And we're out like disco

-Tampa goes with Davin Joseph, tackle, Oklahoma at No. 23 and the group at our draft party says in unison, "what the fuck?"

-Here's some big-name dudes still on the board:

• Winston Fucking Justice, USC
• Chad Jackson, Florida
• Aaron Rodgers, University of We Already Used That Joke
• Sinorice Moss, Miami
• Santonio Holmes, The Ohio State
• DeAngelo Williams, Memphis
• LenDale White, USC

We're gonna call it quits for the day. Four hours of live blogging people's names being called is remarkably tiring. Thanks for hanging out with us and eyeball fucking Suzy Kolber. Enjoy the rest of your day drinking and feel free to leave some comments to generate discussion.

Happy Draft Day! And goodbye Mr. Tagliabue. This is his swan song.

Corey Dillon must be pissed

-New England goes with Laurence Maroney, running back, Minnesota, making the Gopher the second running back taken. Seems strange with DeAngelo Williams and LenDale White still out there, but the Pats apparently know how to draft.

-Captial letters in the middle of a first name is pretty cool. We may try ZaCh out soon.

-Still big WRs on the board, a few good runningbacks and Winston Fucking Justice. Our 49ers are back on the clock and if they fuck this up, Vernon Davis may cry.

-And they go with Manny Lawson, defensive end, NC State. We wanted offense, but we like Lawson over a mid-tier cornerback. Years of drafting an average DB late in the first round who amounted to nothing was no fun. They're saying on the TV that Lawson slipped, so maybe he's good.

-So with Mario Williams and Lawson, why didn't NC State win more games?

Norv Turner update: 12:39 PST and he's still got a job. But Winston Justice may have made his first year in SF easier.

San Diego does not give a fuck if you played last year

-The Chargers pass up on Eli Manning and go with Antonio Cromartie, cornerback, Florida State. Jaws hates the pick -- in part because Cromartie didn't play last year -- but still Jaws is being a douche.

-Cromatie, pictured, was seen with a child on his lap. We think it's his, though it may be Matt Leinart's.

-Chris Berman is not a soothsayer -- he just gets the pick before we do.

-Kansas City decides to pick Tamba Hali at No. 20 and we don't know who he is. But Mel Kiper likes him.

-Mel just mentioned "great motor." Take 1 drink.

-Anyone else getting beer goggles going? Suzy Kolber is looking good! Guess now we know what Joe Namath was thinking.

-Still no WRs taken. Chad Jackson's butting his head against a wall.

-New England is on the clock...time for Tom Brady to get a new butt-buddy (receiver)?

Could Ohio State have uglier linebackers?

-No. 18 has Dallas snagging Bobby Carpenter, linebacker, The Ohio State.

-Here at The Big Picture headquarters, we think ESPN is doing a piss poor job of letting us know what's up with the upcoming picks. C'mon, give us and idea of who's coming or why Winston Justice is slipping.

-Trent Green looks old. Just for Men will be knocking on his door shortly.

-San Diego is on the clock...look for them to take Eli Manning...wait a sec.

Meet the new captain of the Love Boat

-At No. 17 the Vikes snag Chad Greenway who is really, really white. He may get mistaken for the wall in certain buildings. We don't know if he likes strippers and double-headed fuck toys, but we'll find out soon. We expect him to buddy up with Fred Smoot.

-Drinking game update: Berman has flubbed three lines (by our count) and we still haven't seen a war room. Take 4 drinks.

-Dallas is on the clock...why aren't we hearing Ed Werder?

No. 16: Cheech Marin

-Actually Miami goes with Jason Allen, cornerback, Tennessee. But we think Allen should carry on the legacy of Ricky Williams and sell dime bags to the Dolphins' front office. On second thought, bricks of coke would be cooler.

-Some guys who may be slipping:

• Winston Justice, USC
• Antonio Cromartie, FSU
  
• Chad Jackson, Florida
• Aaron Rodgers, Cal
• DeAngelo Williams, Memphis
• Aaron Rodgers, Cal

Minnesota is on the clock...if they draft a dildo, we'll be very pleased. Or maybe they'll just miss the pick.

Jets' fans update: 11:45 PST and we'll assume they're still pissed. At what? Doesn't matter.

Brodrick Bunkley has a cool name

-So no WR for the receiver-less Eagles. But the fans at Radio City Music Hall seemed joyous and Philly fans are rarely joyous.

-Three defensive players from FSU in the top-14. Yeah, Bobby Bowden pumps them out.

-We haven't heard nearly enough of Mel Kiper. Who's with us?

-If we see that Heineken Light commerical again, we're gonna throw one of our obnoxious female roommates out the fucking window. Eh, maybe both of them.

-And St. Louis goes with Tye Hill, cornerback, Clemson. We thought that was going to be Chad Greenway, linebacker, Iowa.

-Miami is on the clock...Ricky Williams will not be the pick. Williams is probably high right now.

Is it pronounced like Cameron?

-And Cleveland goes with Kamerion Wimbley, defenive end, Florida State. The TV guys are excited with the pick. Ok. We may have seen Mel Kiper throw on one of those dog masks.

-Cleveland seems like a team on the rise, though don't they need a QB?

-Trade updates: Denver gave up a third-rounder and Baltimore gave up a sixth-rounder for their respective trades. Speaking of sixth round, you should be on your sixth round of drinks by now. If anyone is drinking shitty beer, whiskey or tequila shots, please let us know. That's awesome!

-Philadelphia is on the clock...WR time.

In other news: We have word that Matt Leinart just had sex with some Arizona coed. We suspect that he raw-dogged it.

Another trade!

-Baltimore and Clevaland swap picks and spit and the Ravens come up to No. 12 and snag Haloti Ngata from Oregon.

-As UW fans, we're conditioned to hate Oregon. And we do. But best of luck to Ngata. We think he'll be good in Baltimore.

-Ngata is getting emotional with a friend. Male emotion is all right by us.

-We'll take this time to remind you that Ray Lewis killed somebody...with Ngata opening up holes on the O-line, Lewis may be metaphorically killing QBs next season.

-Our drinking game is slowing down...take this time to drown your drink, fill back up, say "Yahtzee" and, if you're like us and on the West Coast, remind yourself that it's only 11!

And we have a trade...

-Broncos trade up to No.11 and snag Jay Cutler, QB, team that lost to Middle Tennessee State. Cutler lucks out, getting to go to a good team in a fan-friendly environent.

-We think Cutler will be sorta like a Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, etc. The guy never won at Vandy, so we don't think he'll win in the pros either. Just sayin'.

-As the NFL Draft drinking game suggest, Cutler went to Vandy, so he's smart. Take one drink.

-Details of the trade to come later, but we think Mike Shanahan owes a mediocre handjob to someone in the Rams' organization.

-Ron Jaworski is making us sick to our stomachs. So is drinking before 11 a.m.

-Cleveland is on the clock...

Another WR! Ok, fine.

-Detroit goes with Ernie Sims, OLB, Florida State. We think Sims is pretty cool -- he's probably done some hard drugs in Talahasse and perhaps wrestled a gator.

-Arizona is on the clock and Leinart is there. If he's not the pick here, Will at Deadspin may shoot himself, then whoever the Cardinals' GM is. (But he'd shoot the GM first...kinda hard to do much after you shoot yourself...logicstically and all).

-That was quick! Arizona wastes no time and snags a great QB. And now Leinart has Edge, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. Shit. Watch out for Arizona.

-Leinart will be hollerin' at girls far hotter than this one pictured when in Scottsdale, Ariz. Welcome to the best years of your life, Matt. This should be fun.

-St. Louis is on the clock...Jay Cutler? Wait and see, folks.

Just when we're slowing down...U-turn

Some of the excitement has died down, but we're still going strong...

-The Raiders don't fill their QB need and go with Michael Huff, defensive back, Texas. Charles Woodson anyone?

-No trades yet. Denver coming up to No. 8 to snag Matthew Leinart? Hmm...

-As our drinking pals just noted, Tom Jackson has a very large forehead.

-Kiper just mentioned two-gapper. Take 2 drinks and go plug your woman's two-gap.

-Again, Stubley McStublerson (that's Leinart -- you know, he has stubble) looks nervous. Perhaps he's regretting raw-dogging it last night with that street girl.

-Donte Whitner goes to Buffalo. Ugh, why?

-Detroit is on the clock...Santanio Holmes/Sinorice Moss/Chad Jackson, welcome to the Motor City.

Those aren't tears of joy

-We're clapping at 49ers' headquarters, but we think that Vernon Davis is not crying because he's happy that he got drafted, but rather because he has to go play for the Niners.

-Young Alex Smith is very happy with this pick. He finally has some one besides the other team to throw at. His biggest deep threat is no longer Fred Beasley.

-VD may be the biggest G in this draft. Just look at this guy. He will happily fuck your girlfriend and spread venereal disease all over.

-Jaws said National Football League, instead of NFL. Take 1 drink. (You should be getting pretty loaded by now).

-This draft is going remarkably fast. Cool for you. Not for us. We're developing carpal tunnel syndrome.

Norv Turner update: 10:10 a.m. PST and Norv is still employed by San Francisco.

Brady Quinn's sister will fuck Brett Favre

-The Pack go with the "safest pick," A.J. Hawk. We here at The Big Picture are 49ers' fans and we're excited to see Hawk go because we want the Niners to pick Vernon Davis.

-As you all remember, A.J. dates Brady Quinn's sister. She fucked that dude, so perhaps Favre is next. Eh, more like Aaron Rodgers.


-Another Coors Light commercial. If you're drinking Coors, dump that shit out, fill up a new drink with some non-pussy beer, and drown that new beverage.

-San Francisco is on the clock...if it's not Davis, we're gonna throw the computer out the window.

Here come the boos

-As Sal Pajdfndldjdkdonio reports, the Jets are in a terrible PR position, knowing the fans want Leinart, but thinking that D'Brick may be a better, or at least safer, pick.

-Leinart looks very, very nervous. Perhaps he's wondering if he contracted Hepatits C from the last ho he got up in.

-Good to see at least a few Jets' fans cheering. D'Brick does not deserve the boos.

-The drinking game suggests that you take 1 drink if you hear "war room." Because we haven't heard "war room," take 2 drinks.

-Green Bay is on the clock...

Shave my Bush

-Saints piss off the state of New York by taking Reggie. Good for the Saints. Watch out for these guys next year...ok, in two years.

-We've got some drinking to do folks. A Gale Sayers comparison and mention of Hurricane Katrina relief efforts results in two drinks. Bottoms ups.

-Vince Young is wearing a light gray suit with pinstripes. Snazzy Vince.

-We've seen our first M:I:III update and got us thinking: Texans' Mission Impossible: keep your fanbase.

-The Titans go with Vince Young who is the first guy to look genuinely happy.

-The Jets are on the clock and if it's not Leinart, the Jets' fans may tear down Radio City Music Hall. D'Brick may be the better choice here though.

New York Jets' fans update: 9:37 and they're still pissed.

And with the first pick in the 2006 NFL Draft...

The Houston Texans select Sam Bowie, forward, University of Kentucky. We're sure you've heard the Sam Bowie joke already. For those who don't know, he was picked directly before Michael Jordan. Super Mario won't might not be a bust, but Reggie Bush makes you say holy fuck about six times per game.

-New Orleans is on the clock. If the Saints don't take Reggie, New Orleans may riot...we'll hold off on the horrible Katrina joke, but feel free to add your own.

-So they have the clock graphic going at commercials. Cool.

-Reggie Bush was compared to Bron Bron. Take 2 drinks.

In other news: It's 9 in the fucking morning. Nothing has happened yet.

Draft Day: They're all going to Vietnam

Ok, so this is the NFL Draft, not the military draft. Whoops, our bad. So we got this big day tomorrow. A bunch of amateur athletes will no longer be amateurs. They'll get used to their new colors and will likely break in a new hat.

We like the NFL Draft — like, a lot — and will be watching closely. Since we like it so much, we'll be live blogging the first few hours of the joyous day. (Remember: this shit starts at 9 a.m. our time, meaning this is true fucking devotion. You guys all better appreciate us). We're not sure how we'll actually run the whole live blog thing, but we imagine a new post every few picks.

So stay with us tomorrow because we'll be watching the draft with a watchful (and certainly critical) eye. Hang out, grab some nachos and throw down a few Bloody Mary's. You know we aren't getting up at 9 and doing this shit without a drink in hand. Maybe we can even play the NFL Draft drinking game over the blog.

Stay tuned...

But to get your bodily juices flowing, here's our mock top-10 by Adam Landres-Schnur:

Adam did not go to Essex Community College and does not study draft guruism at the University of Washington, but he thinks he can forecast the draft just as well as this guy.

1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush, running back, USC
Now you can have Michael Michaels (yes, that is this douche bag’s name. His parents probably didn’t like him very much.) buy you a house, Reggie. Now.

2. New Orleans Saints - Mario Williams, defensive end, North Carolina State
The “Freak” take two? 6’7, 295 — no, that’s freakish.

3. Tennessee Titans - Vince Young, quarterback, Texas
Guess offensive coordinator Norm Chow (who wants Matt Leinart and is probably nervous about Young’s poor grade on the wonderlickmyass test) lost in the rock-paper-scissors match with GM Floyd Reese.

4. New York Jets - Matt Leinart, quarterback, USC
This could (and probably should) be D’Brickashaw Ferguson, but Jets fans might burn down Radio City Music Hall if Leinart isn’t the pick. Peer pressure will play a big role in this selection. Kinda like grade school.

5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk, linebacker, (The) Ohio State
Brett Favre returned for him? Could be Vernon Davis here, but Hawk is the Switzerland in this year’s draft — you know, the neutral/safe pick…fine, we just wanted to drop a WWII reference because we know think Hawk is related to Nazis.

6. San Francisco 49ers - Vernon Davis, tight end, Maryland
He’ll catch a lot of passes from Young Alex Smith. If Smith catches V.D. — you know, venereal disease — we wouldn’t at all mind.

7. Oakland Raiders - D’Brickashaw Ferguson, offensive tackle, Virginia
The Raiders simultaneously get the biggest steal and the biggest G in this year’s draft. Ferguson could easily go at No. 2, 4, 5 or 6, but if it’s not Leinart who falls a bit, it could be D’Brick. Want a good laugh? Say Brickashaw D'Ferguson. See, giggles.

8. Buffalo Bills - Haloti Ngata, defensive tackle, Oregon
This is a really boring pick of a guy from a really boring state (where, coincidentally, they have a town named “Boring”). Ngata is referred to as a "two-gapper" which we think means that he fucks people in the ass. (Though it's likely just some football term).

9. Detroit Lions - Santonio Holmes Chad Jackson Sinorice Moss Michael Huff, defensive back, Texas.
The Lions won’t draft a wide receiver. Matt Millen promises. Wait a sec...

10. Arizona Cardinals - Jay Cutler, quarterback, Vanderbilt
Some players just aren’t supposed to play for winning teams. And some teams aren’t meant to win. Ever. (Hint: the Cardinals are one of those teams).

In other news: Ben Broussard had 8 RBIs in Cleveland's win over Boston and has been called before Congress to testify in the Balco case.

Don't sell out (but do join OPR)

We took a lot of guff (guff?) the past few weeks, saying that we've corporatized this site and sold out to the riches that ad dollars can bring. Why have we "sold out?" Because we've been talking up Online Poker Rakeback even more than that chick that you can't stop eyeball fucking.

Well, every man has his price. And ours is $50 per referral. See, every time you go to OPR and sign up using our referral code, "The Big Picture," we get a small sum of money that we will pump back into the site so we can make it bigger, better and sexier. For instance, we've heard that you can play some fun games with Photoshop -- like using those speech/thought balloons -- but we wouldn't know firsthand.

Signing up at OPR is a win-win situation for everyone. (Please be sure to use the referral code: "The Big Picture" when you sign up). To read how OPR works, check out our previous posts on the subject, here and here.

We don't like to think that we sold out. This guy sold out. Not us. We'll still post a good sports story everyday (if not a few) and try to incorporate as many dick, drug and rapist jokes as we can possibly muster. If you think we're a bunch of sell outs, well, so be it. Please just tell us so we know whose girlfriends to fingerblast.

Who the fuck is Mel Kiper Jr.?

In 1994 Bill Tobin, the Indianapolis Colts GM at the time, wondered the same thing: “Who the hell is Mel Kiper?” he questions after Kiper criticized the Colts’ selection of Trev Alberts (his colleague at ESPN now. Hmm, that probably makes for awkward urinal conversation.) over Trent Dilfer. “My mailman knows more about the draft than he does,” Tobin said.

(Thanks to Wikipedia for that juicy nugget. We have no fucking idea what a “wikipedia” is, by the way.)

So we know that he’s the NFL draft guru who uses way too much Dep to slick back his greasy-ass hair.

But seriously, who the fuck is this guy? And what is a draft guru? Can you major in that at college? We’re doubtful he studied draft guruism at Essex Community College where he first became an expert in predicting the outcome of the NFL Draft. (Yes, that's where Kiper went. Essex. All of you high school kids out there, Essex is NOT the school for you).

Wikipedia also tells us that Kiper never played or coached high school or college ball. It seems, then, that one day Kiper decided to become obsessed with something so he could buddy up with some big sweaty men.

As far as we can tell, Kiper has no background as a scout, so he probably just stayed at a Holiday Inn Express one night and woke up being able to semi-accurately forecast the draft.

We have absolutely no idea what this guy does during the off-season. Though we wouldn’t be at all surprised if Kiper already has a mock draft for 2038.

Regardless of his bizarre professional career, we do get a kick out of the way he talks about players.

An Example (if Tennessee is on the clock):

I think Matt Leinart, quarterback, University of Southern California would be a great fit with Norm Chow, offensive coordinator, Tennessee, his old offensive coordinator at University of Southern California. But I think the pick here is Vince Young, quarterback, Texas, because that’s who Floyd Reese, general manager, Tennessee Titans, favors.

Still, after this whole post to break down The Man, The Myth, The Grease Ball, Mel Kiper Jr., we must pose the same question: who the fuck is Mel Kiper Jr.?

Read "Who the fuck is..." Chris Shelton and George Mason.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. He likes to watch Katie and Andy make out.

Delmon Young could play quarterback

Tampa Bay Devil Rays prospect and huge fucking G, Delmon Young, pulled off a move of Carl Everett proportions yesterday.

If you recall, Everett was involved in what was our favorite ejection scene in MLB history. After a called third strike, Everett drew a line in the batter’s box indicating where he thought the ball crossed the plate. The ump wasted no time in tossing him from the game.

Well, Carl, you got one-upped (and for the record, the fact that you don’t believe in dinosaurs is unbelievably awesome, but highly suspect).

After a called third strike in yesterday’s game between Young’s Durham Bulls and Pawtucket, the younger brother of Dmitri argued the call with the umpire.

Young was promptly ejected, causing him to chuck his bat — his bat! — at the ump behind the plate. Yeah, he threw his fucking bat and hit the ump square in the chest.

We just can’t get over how incredibly savage this is and how much it increases Young’s G status.

Unfortunately, Green Bay solved its quarterback issue, but we think this top-overall pick could make a leap into Saturday’s NFL Draft.

(No word on a suspension yet, but we wouldn't be surprised to never hear from Young again).

In other news: Kobe Bryant will change his number next season from 8 to 24 because he really likes that show on Fox.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. He's not a rat, Agent Kujan.

Not a good week to be a Ricky

By this point you know what Ricky Manning Jr. likes to do at 3 a.m. For those of you who somehow missed this story, Manning and some buddies were in a Westwood, Calif. Denny's late at night and beat the shit out of some guy on his laptop.

We're not positive what dialogue transpired, but we're pretty sure that Manning said one of these two things to the Denny's' victim right before he wrecked him:

1. "We're gonna F5 your ass back to the days of the typewriter, you nerd-ass bitch."

OR

2. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

We somehow think Manning said the latter.

Sticking with the famous Rickys, how about Ricky Williams? The Dolphins' running back lost his appeal with the NFL for violating the substance abuse policy and will be ineligible for the 2006 season. This is great news for Williams who just got himself an entire year to smoke/sell/distribute/inject/smuggle
weed/child pornography/shrooms/laundered money/PCP/Opium/Date Rape Drug.

We have the feeling that Williams will take the time to reflect on his wrong-doing over a few bong rips with some monks up in the Himalayas. Williams is surely upset, but hey, worse things could happen to a running back.

To read today

What to read while you slowly learn what icing is...

YAY Sports! NCAA - It's time for another rousing rendition of The Whiskers. Giddyup. (Giddyup? What the fuck?).

The Sports Pulse - Biggest NFL Draft busts? Young Alex Smith will be joining the list in no time.

Insomniac's Lounge - Get a glimpse of this chick! Whoa!

The Hater Nation - The Clippers -- yeah, the Clippers -- are winning. What's that mean for everybody's favorite columnist, Steve Bisheff?

Mr. Irrelevant - They were able to talk with Reggie Bush on Sports Bloggers Live and the Heisman winner wants to buy his parents a house. You know.

The Mighty MJD - Just because the whole Michael Vick herpes case is over doesn't mean that "Ron Mexico" will die with sports bloggers. Not a fuckin' chance.

Like Keith Hernandez, Wimbledon doesn’t like women

Admittedly, we know very, very little about tennis and write about it even less. We are aware, though, of this tournament called Wimbledon, which we are told is a Grand Slam (we’re not entirely sure, but think it’s unrelated to Denny’s breakfast combo, which makes us simultaneously hungry and a “nerd”).

Wimbledon is a grass court in England, we’re told, which makes us nervous for no particular reason. The Brits who run this major tournament, however, might be nervous around their wives, daughters, female pets, trophy wives and trophies today.

According to reports Tuesday, the men’s Wimbledon champion will receive more money than the women’s champ — $53,600 more — also for no particular reason.

The reasoning, we’re guessing, is because Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez is somehow connected to the tournament. (We already know he’s a caveman, but maybe he’s one of English decent).

If you recall, Hernandez made pretty questionable comments during the weekend regarding a woman in the San Diego Padres’ dugout. Hernandez said Kelly Calabrese, the team’s massage therapist, has no place in the dugout, and should cook him some Taradactyl for dinner and scrub his butt flap.

She — and all women — apparently have no place at Wimbledon, either.

“The issue is one of a judgment on fairness,” Hernandez All England Club chairman Tim Phillips told the AP. “We believe that what we do at the moment is actually fair to the men as well to the women.”

We, unlike this sexist British caveman, can’t quite see how.

In other news: Brett Favre has decided to return to the Packers next year after Green Bay said they would let him go on the swings for 10 minutes before every practice.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. From time to time he smears mud on his ass.

Baseball gets philosophical. Ok, not really.

Here’s a philosophical question for all of you philosophers out there: If a baseball game is played and nobody sees it, is it still played?

Well, just ask the Seattle Mariners.

Before we get to the M’s and their attendance woes, there are plenty of good stories in this early season of baseball.

For starters, how about Chris Shelton? Yeah, Chris Shelton. Oh, but you may know him better as “Red Pop.” The Detroit Tigers’ slugger (can we dare call him a slugger?) is leading the American League in homeruns with 9 and doing so with a modest salary. Shelton, in just his second full season, is making $365,000, while Alex Rodriguez is making about 70 times what Red Pop is. Really. Shelton, who hit 18 homers last year, is on pace to hit 86 this year, which we think may set some sort of record.

But our homie Red Pop isn’t alone in this category of “Who the fuck is this guy and why is he hitting homeruns?” Tampa Bay Devil Rays’ DH Jonny Gomes also has 9 homeruns and was leading the American League in RBIs through Sunday. Jonny, not to be mistaken for former relief pitcher Wayne Gomes, makes even less money than Shelton. Perhaps the Mariners should consider drafting well instead of throwing a King’s ransom at a tall, skinny dude with bleached hair (Richie Sexson) and some dude who had one good year and it just happened to be his walk year (Adrian Beltre).

Another good story brewing around this early season of baseball also involves the long ball. But this time it was only one home run. And only one man. Mets’ utility player Julio Franco, 196, became the oldest player to hit a Major League home run when he blasted a two-run shot last Thursday. Franco, who some say came to the Mets looking to get nasty with Anna Benson, is holding up pretty well. He’s still in great shape, he has a winning attitude, and we’re sure that he pulls more tail than Pedro Martinez.

We don’t have any confirmation, but we’ve heard rumors that Franco goes way back to the Pre-Historic days. Perhaps he invented the tool. Or modern-day speech. Or at the least wrestled a saber-tooth tiger.

This whole home run thing is kinda cool. The guy is like real old. His baseball card says his date of birth was 5c. BCE — though we’re not sure what that means. But he hit a homer. By the way, we don’t think we could even reach the outfield grass on a fly, let alone hit one over the fence. And we’re in our athletic prime, while Franco, well, isn’t.

We salute you, Mr. Julio Franco. You have given old guys everywhere a wealth of motivation. Thank you.

(Editor's note: Ok, so we used a few jokes in this post that we also used in our original Franco post. Sue us).

Now back to the original question: If a baseball game is played and nobody sees it, is it still played?

The Mariners are probably rooting for that “no” answer. See, if nobody sees it, meaning the game isn’t played under the “no” answer, the M’s would be 3-4 opposed to 7-13.

At Safeco Field, where the average attendance per game has dropped to 162 (really 26,728), the Mariners are 4-9. The crowds have dropped dramatically from 2002 according to The Seattle Times. The attendance this April is down 37.4 percent from April 2002.

The Mariners’ front office is suggesting that the low turnouts can be attributed to poor weather or class being in session. We’ll suggest that the team sucks dick and nobody wants to watch a bunch of players who couldn’t hit the ball with one of those big, plastic, red bats. But, we’re sure the front office has thought this one out much more than we have.

Anyways, the Mariners might want to get their act together if they plan to keep spending big money in the off-season. Hey, a .203 average and 0 homeruns (Beltre’s stats through Sunday) doesn’t come cheap.

But we all know it’s a long season. We may never hear from Chris Shelton again, Julio Franco may star in Jurassic Park 4 (as the lead T-Rex) and the Mariners may sellout Safeco. Ok, that last one probably won’t happen.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: Ron Artest is suspended for today's game against San Antonio for attacking Spurs' fans during Monday's open practice.

Helton on DL; may be pregnant

Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was put on the 15-day disabled list Saturday with an undiagnosed stomach ailment, The Big Picture has learned.

It’s being reported that Helton has severe stomach cramps and a fever. He is also likely puking and having his wife hold back his hair.

While Helton probably has the flu, bird flu, Tuberculosis, SARS or the Bubonic Plague, we’re not ruling out the possibility that he could be pregnant.

Male pregnancy seems far-fetched, but based on seeing Terminator/Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger carry a child in the god-awful film, Junior (which happened to co-star Danny DeVito who is kinda funny and really, really short), it doesn’t appear to be out of the realm of possibility.

If Helton is indeed pregnant, we expect the child’s name to be Eli Marrero (who slugged the shit out of the ball against the Giants this weekend).

Hopefully Helton just has a mild case of Strep Throat or something and will make a speedy recovery. But if he is pregnant, we wish the Heltons the best during the next nine months (where they will hopefully enlist the help of Hugh Grant who starred in a similarly awful movie by the same name).

In other news: Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell will lead an investigation to see the connection between a home Reggie Bush’s family’s lived in and a man who wanted to handle Reggie’s professional marketing.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the Sports Editor of the University of Washington's The Daily. He enjoys fondling sweaters.

Sports suck when...

... your favorite team blows a 3-run lead in the 9th. (If this was your team, your kitchen table would have these objects on it too).

Hockey (yeah, in America)

The Stanley Cup playoffs are under way, exciting about 27 people in the United States. Ironically, three quarters of this year's playoff squads are from America. Neat.

We won't try to be all cool and pretend that we know hockey. We once watched an NHL game, but that's about all. Though there is a lot about the NHL playoffs that is really kinda cool. There's a ton of energy and excitement, quality play, and there are no fucking ties!

We remember a certain 2000 playoff game between Philadelphia in Pittsburgh that went 5 OTs! That's nearly three hockey games in one! (We think that's a good thing -- as evident by the overuse of the exclamation point -- but perhaps watching a hockey game for the upwards of five hours is more of a punishment than a reward).

We are by no means qualified to make predictions here because, well, we had no idea that Nashville even had a team. But apparently they do and the Predators, as they're called, are playing our hometown San Jose Sharks. We would perhaps make a bold pick and say the Sharks would win it all, but they're already down 1-0 in the series.

So if hockey (or gambling) is your thing, check out some predictions and a good read here. If you want people who actually know what they're talking about, this official source may be more your cup of tea.

By the way, the man in that picture is not a hockey player, but rather a rap artist that goes by the name Lil' Jon. We suggest that he leaves the "Lil'" out of his name when he talks with women. They may get the wrong idea.

In other news: UCLA sophomore guards Jordan Farmar and Arron Afflalo made themselves eligible for the NBA Draft after being informed that they will be paid more money in the NBA than they will be at UCLA.

Julio Franco is old

Our boy Julio Franco (who, oddly, is old enough to be our father) just hit a home run. While this milestone puts him ahead of sluggers like Barry Bonds and Manny Ramirez at one homer on the year, it also marks the Mets' utility man as the oldest guy to ever hit a home run in the Majors.

At 157, Julio Franco is holding up well. His body has been good to him, he can move okay and he still likely pulls more pussy than anyone else on the Mets (minus Mr. Met, of course).

We have absolutely zero confirmation on this lead, but we've heard rumors that Franco and American patriot, George Mason, go way back...like to the 18th century.

We think this whole home run thing is pretty cool. Being a journeyman, we're disappointed we never got to see Franco out here on the West Coast, but we raise our glass to him. If he can hit a deep shot at the age of 157 and we couldn't hit one in our prime, well, Julio is just a better man than we will ever be.

Thank you, Julio, for being a cool, old dude. We salute you.

In other baseball news: Cubs' slugger Derrek Lee will miss 8-10 weeks with a fractured wrist he suffered while socializing with Mark Prior, Kerry Wood and the rest of the injury-plagued Cubs.

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49ers acquire 22nd overall pick; look to draft 'thugs'

ENGLEWOOD, Colo. -- The San Francisco 49ers have added another first round pick in next week's NFL Draft.

The Niners acquired the 22nd overall selection in the draft from the Denver Broncos on Wednesday for picks in the second round and third round. San Francisco already holds the No. 6 selection.

"I'm stoked," said 49ers' coach, Mike Nolan. "Just when I was about to go all apeshit on the front office, they pull off a move that gives me some restored faith in them."

At No. 6 there has been much speculation that San Francisco will pick Maryland TE Vernon Davis.

"It's true that we really like Vernon," Nolan told sources. "The guy's an animal and will bring some serious thuggery to The Bay."

Asked what he meant by "thuggery," Nolan said, "You know, guys who leave it all out there and don't give a fuckdick what the other team throws at you."

Nolan would not comment, but suggested that LenDale White may be on the Niners' radar at No. 22.

"White's a good player," Nolan told sources. "His weight, injury and unwillingness to run for teams is just what we're looking for. He just doesn't seem to care and, frankly, we need a player who just don't give a fuck."

People like T-shirts, condone rape

In a story that has put our faith in human decency into serious question, The Herald-Sun (North Carolina) reported Wednesday that sales for Duke Lacrosse merchandise have increased over the last month as students show -- gasp -- support for the lacrosse squad.

Why? Because people condone (alleged) rape, apparently. We can’t really fathom why people are choosing to associate with Duke Lax right now, opposed to say two months ago when they just played a silly game with netted sticks instead of stirring up racial tensions in what we’ve learned is a really, really fucked up city dynamic.

(Whew. Long sentence. Probably ran on.)

Anyway, this just makes no sense to us. We may suggest some pretty awful stuff on this site, but in no way are we OK with alleged rape. (You already know how we feel about Kobe Brapistyant.)

This is hardly the time to support a program that is making Barry Bonds look only like the Devil’s homeboy (opposed to, you know, the Devil himself). Duke lacrosse fucked up big time, and based on some of the reports coming out of Durham, we should’ve seen something like this coming.

As disgusting as the lacrosse team is to us right now, this story is making us want to puke on mankind.

In other news: The Baltimore Orioles beat the Cleveland Indians 18-9 Wednesday behind six field goals from Miguel Tejada.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

To read today

What to read while you brainstorm objects to throw at Barry Bonds...

YAY! Sports - If Josh McRoberts with Cheese turns pro, Duke may, gasp, head to the NIT!

The Hater Nation - Must-see TV comes in the form of Chargers' cheerleading tryouts. Never put it past NFL Adam and the gang to keep you up to date on the Southern California "sports" scene.

Mr. Irrelevant - Never too early for an NBA Mock Draft. And the steal of the draft? Brandon Roy.

The Sports Pulse - Think you're weird? Well, just read about these players' superstitions and you'll feel normal again.

Insomniac's Lounge - Would the Texans really pass up Reggie Bush? Nah, probably not.
Complete Sports - Who's your MVP? These guys go with LeBron. Sounds good to us.

The Mighty MJD - Adam Morrison is going pro...but the red flag? No it's not the 'stache, but rather the tears.

Hate to say it, but we told ya so

Some loyal readers may recall when we first wrote about everybody's favorite basketball hero, Jason McElwain (pictured far rig...err...center).

The autistic teen from New York was the team manager for Greece Athena High School. Because of his loyalty and hard-work passing out Gatorade, the coach got him in to the team's last game and J-Mac drained six 3's and went off for 20 points. We said that Hollywood would come barking soon after and, well, it happened. Surprise!.

Columbia pictures, with the help of Magic Johnson, will bring the Jason McElwain story to a theater near you.

There hasn't been talk about who will be playing J-Mac, but we have some suggestions for those Hollywood chumps:

• Dustin Hoffman - You know, he already has the role down.
• Macaulay Culkin - Culkin still looks 17, despite being 46.
• Tracy McGrady - T-Mac playing J-Mac. Cute.
• George W. Bush - They look strikingly similar.
• Frankie Muniz - According to our colleague, "Muniz looks slightly retarded." Hey, we didn't say it.

In other news: Gonzaga star Adam Morrison has announced he is turning pro, but did not comment on the future of his mustache.

We're scratching our heads too, Brett

Brett Favre is the last person you want to be behind in the grocery store checkout line. Having him mull over the decision of paper or plastic may take Favre the better part of an hour.

So when contemplating retirement, Favre is, well, taking the better part of a year. The fifteen-year pro is having an internal struggle as to whether or not he should return to the Green Bay Packers next season for one last go around. The three-time MVP led the Packers to a 4-12 record last season and his poor decision-making skills were apparent in his league-leading 29 interceptions.

The Packers’ organization, seemingly in no hurry to get an answer from Mr. Indecision, has pushed back the due date for Brett Favre's $3 million roster bonus - originally scheduled last month - to July 27, giving the three-time MVP more time to make a decision on retirement. As if Favre needs more time to decide — he’s already had about four months. Perhaps he’s weighing some pros and cons.

• Pro: We may be better than 4-12
• Con: We may be worse than 4-12
• Pro: I could break records
• Con: Though it may be the interception record
• Con: I may get hurt
• Pro: They may give me Vicodin for the pain.

(Eeesh…that last one was in bad taste).

Obviously Packers’ faithful want Favre back. The eight-time Pro Bowler leads the Packers in pretty much every passing category — including interceptions.

Which brings up an interesting point. While deciding if he wants the Extra Crispy or Original Recipe at KFC, Favre may be wondering if he’s prepared to break George Blanda’s all-time INT record of 277. At 255 career INTs, Favre, at his recent pace, is only a season away from becoming the interception king.

Perhaps while lying in bed at night, pondering which color bathrobe he will wear in the morning, Mr. Indecision is debating whether or not he wants to break that infamous record.

One school of thought may suggest that Favre doesn’t want to have his name in the record books next to the ugly letters I-N-T. But others may say that Mr. Indecision wants to break any record, and will play another season and look for the opposing cornerback opposed to his own receiver. (Ok, Favre has too much integrity to purposely throw an interception, though a certain six-interception game in the 2001 playoffs against the St. Louis Rams may lead people to believe otherwise).

Aside from a potential record-breaking year, Mr. Indecision may have reservations about coming back with a new coach in Green Bay. After firing Mike Sherman, Favre was upset because he respected and enjoyed playing for Sherman. Then the front office made an Isiah Thomas-esque move and hired Mike McCarthy, who served last year as the San Francisco 49ers’ offensive coordinator. McCarthy had Keith Gilbertson-like numbers in San Francisco, helping the Niners go 4-12 and leading the offense to six performances under 10 points. Though McCarthy worked with Favre as the Green Bay quarterbacks’ coach in 1999, those close to Favre have hinted that he was not enthralled with the McCarthy hire.

As for the Packers’ marketing department, this must be a nightmare. We can just imagine the PR folks trying to put together an ad campaign that goes something like, “We sucked last year, our running back is hurt, our quarterback situation is undecided…but hey, we have the best fucking bratwurst in town!”

But none of this really matters. C’mon, we’re talking about Brett Favre and making a decision. The two are like oil and water. Whatever Favre decides, we’re behind him all the way. But with the season starting in less than a year, Favre may want to start to think about thinking about making up his mind.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

Who the fuck is Chris Shelton?

(We will begin running a regular series called "Who the fuck is...?" here at our site. There are so many unknowns out there that we plan to make known. So enjoy Chris Shelton today and have fun with George Mason here. Any suggestions for future "WTFI...?" shoot us an email or drop off a comment).

The Internet is telling us that Shelton's the 25-year-old, red-headed first baseman for the Detroit Tigers who is hitting the shit out of the baseball — .471 average and nine home runs through Monday (which tied him for second place for a record that someone, somewhere is keeping track of).

Shelton, in just his second full season, is making $365,000. Alex Rodriguez, meanwhile, (.298, three home runs) is making about 70 times “Red Pop’s” salary.

Our good friends at the Internet also told us that Red Pop was born in Salt Lake City and attended college at the University of Utah. We kinda doubt that he’s a Ute (a Native American tribe, we think), cuz, you know, he looks like Casper (that friendly ghost).

What we aren’t ruling out, however, is the possibility that Red Pop is actually Brigham Young.

We’ve never understood why teams like Notre Dame don’t win every championship in every sport. Seriously, how the fuck do you lose when you have Jesus on your side?

If this whole Brigham Young/Mormon thing is true, that might explain why Shelton (still, who the fuck is Chris Shelton!?) is on track to hit 936 home runs.

In Other News: Albert Pujols hit his fourth home run in as many at-bats yesterday and now is under investigation by George Mitchell and Major League Baseball.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

On Huston Street bobblehead day...

Texas 5 — Oakland 3

Street: 0.2 IP, 5 H, 4 ER

Fairleigh Dickinson: Champions

That's right folks, the Fairleigh Dickinson Knights are your women's bowling National Champions. And who better to bring it to you than ESPN?

Being a championship game and all, emotions were high, the suspense was immeasurable and the six people in attendance were silently questioning their sanity. Oh, and ESPN had the audacity to televise it, of course.

Let's just repeat this for emphasis: Women. College. Bowling. Televised. (We have no proof, but suspect that some viewers in attendance were taking lines of coke in the bathroom during commercial breaks).

Being quite unfamiliar about FDU, we were curious as to who Fairleigh Dickinson really is. Well, unlike George Mason, he's just some rich dude who gave a pile of money to the school so they'd name it after him. (Don't get any wild ideas all you bizillionaires out there).

We actually watched a little bit of this title match between FDU and Alabama A&M because, well, it was the National Championship after all and Mr. Fairleigh Dickinson himself had a gun to our head and demanded that we cheer for the Knights. (And also because there was nothing else on TV. We think the ratings for cable television may have actually been higher if they showed a blank screen all day). By the way, FDU won 4-1. (Whatever that may mean).

But hey, these girls could bowl a mean game. They were certainly not The Dude, but hey, at least it wasn't Shabbos. (Though it was Easter. Hmm...).

Norv Turner Update: Late Sunday night and our homeboy Norv is still in as the 49ers' offensive coordinator.

In other news: The Chicago Bulls clinched a playoff spot after Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen combined for 70 points in a win over the Miami Heat.

Brown: 'Sour milk, grapes'

Larry Brown did not coach against the Milwaukee Bucks last night after being taken to a Cleveland hospital Thursday after becoming ill during the Knicks' 278th loss of the season.

"I felt like shit," said Brown, 96. "I couldn't keep the food down and my fucking ass was on fire."

Asked what may have caused the stomach ailment that could keep Brown sidelined for the rest of the year, the coach replied, "It may have been the bean dip, but I don't think so. Likely it was bad milk in the cereal I ate for dinner."

Reporters seemed unsure as to why Brown would eat cereal for dinner, but a box of Marblebury Crunch was found in the Knicks' locker room.

As for Brown returning to the Knicks' bench this season:

"We're gonna take it slow," said Brown from his hospital toilet. "But right now, things are tough and it's hard managing these players. It's like the Bad News Bears." I feel like Walter Fucking Matthau out there.

I don't want to sound too conceited, but when you're a millionaire, future Hall of Fame coach, and have championship rings, things should be better. Honestly, during the last few months, the highlight of my day is taking a shit. It's just been that bad."

In other news: Barry Bonds may face perjury charges because he accidentally told the court that he's only five homeruns away from tying Babe Ruth on the all-time homerun list.

The Toronto “Judges.” What the fuck?

We are well aware (and appalled) that throwback jerseys have become as popular as they have. For some reason unknown to us, people like to wear jerseys that celebrate teams that played before their parents were born. We don’t get it, but if you want to pretend you rooted for a team from the Great Depression, that’s your own issue.

(Side note: We are very, very cool with the Bron Bron throwbacks from his days at St. Vincent-St. Mary’s. Because, you know, he’s a huge G.)

Speaking of St. Mary’s, the idea of teams named after biblical figures is the subject of this post.

A friend of ours brought this bizarre web site to our attention. It seems that the Christian faith likes professional sports and making blood-stained money from the hands of Colossians (the new squad in St. Louis). Apparently, as the title of this post suggests, the Blue Jays are no more. Call them the Toronto Judges. The Spurs are no longer from San Antonio, but rather from Deuteronomy (a book, we think, not a city).

We’re having a hard time deciding if this is the most god (get it, god!) awful, grotesque, blasphemous marketing ploy to come around since the original throwbacks, or if this idea is just so fucking off-the-wall that it becomes slightly amusing.

What we do know is that for a reasonable fee of $75, you can have your very own Baltimore Obadiah jersey.

(Jesus Christ, by the way, is the company’s official sponsor. So… if the company tanks…will there be a cruci…aw fuck, we just aren’t gonna go there.)

In Other News: An MRI revealed that USC back LenDale White tore his hamstring when juking a patron in the Sizzler buffet line.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

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