Tuesday, April 04, 2006

So that sucked

CBS Sports is not happy. People in the wonderful (wonderful? what the fuck?) city of Indianapolis are not happy. College basketball fans are not happy. (Joakim Noah, by the way, is very happy. More to come on Noah later).

So why is everyone upset? Well, for starters, George Mason lost, ending the dream of a Mid-Major winning the title. That alone caused great agony. Seeing Cinderella eaten by an alligator is a horrendously violent sight. But the real reason folks are a bit blue is because the Final Four, arguably the greatest finish to the best postseason tournament in any sport, was about as entertaining as an Adam Sandler movie minus Adam Sandler.

Three games in Indy. Three lopsided outcomes. Three teams who forgot to show up for their final game. There is usually so much anticipation for the Final Four, but this year, it was the Final Bore. (You can pat us on the back later for coming up with that line).

Going into the National Semifinals (just think about it…it’s the same thing as saying the Final Four, but now that we’ve said “Final Four” about 36 times, it’s probably best to switch it up.) there seemed to be two schools of thought on the end to a wild NCAA Tournament: Group #1 thought it was great to have a surprise Cinderella story and no top seeds in Indianapolis. Group #2 was disappointed that they would not see perennial powers square off— say a Duke/UConn final — and thought that the last few games of the college basketball season would be mildly entertaining. Well, it looks like Group #2 kicked Group #1’s collective ass.

The last three games of the season were just awful. No big runs, no buzzer-beaters and, more importantly, no close games. Florida dominated Cinderella Saturday, and UCLA held LSU to a touchdown and a field goal en route to making Glen “Big Baby” Davis look like, well, a baby.

Then Monday, with many UW folks likely rooting for UCLA (and thus for the Pac-10, West Coast and the fact that the Dawgs beat the Bruins twice, making UW the default National Champs had UCLA won), Florida played like the best team in the country, while looking goofing in the process.

Which brings us to the topic du jour: Joakim Noah. If you haven’t watched him play, you’re missing out. But if you do watch Noah, make sure to hide the women and children! He’s perhaps the goofiest fella we’ve ever seen do anything. Ever.

(Side note: We're not exactly sure what Noah is doing in the picture above, but we think he's either practicing a new dance move or in the process of giving birth).

Here’s Noah’s deal: He’s a tall, athletic forward who is remarkably good at blocking shots and looking weird. Good enough at all that he was voted most outstanding player in the Final Four and blocked a championship game-record six shots to propel Florida over UCLA.

He’s the son of a former tennis great, Yannick Noah, and Cecilia Rodhe, a top-five finisher in the Miss Universe competition from Sweden. Though looking at Joakim, we’ll suggest the possibility that the Miss Universe lady is not his biological mother. C’mon, just look at Joakim — there’s no way he’s the son of some hot Swedish babe.

Apparently Joakim has an infectious personality and, based on certain pictures we’ve seen with Noah wearing a long gown, he looks like he may be looking to infect some people with a little “Special Kool-Aid” too. We’re not sure if Noah has any ties to Jim Jones and the People’s Temple, but we’re looking into it.

Noah’s height, quickness and gap in his front teeth helped Florida cruise to the win over UCLA. Now, going from unknown kid to well-known star in the span of one tournament, Noah will likely be a top-20 pick in the NBA Draft if the sophomore decides to leave school early. With his new NBA cash, perhaps he could look into some orthodonture.

Noah was a bright spot in the Final Four, but nothing else really was. It was one of the most memorable tourneys that we can, ugh, remember, but it came to a cheap, disheartening finish — much like a nigt with a hooker. We just wanted one last dance to leave a good taste of the college basketball season on our palette, but, as you all know, sometimes that dance is not meant to be had. We’ll just have to wait until next year.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: Albert Pujols hit two homeruns against Philadelphia Monday after having a playdate with Barry Bonds and Victor Conte.


Benny said...

As a Gator fan, I welcomed a blowout. But if I was an outsider looking in, I'd say it was boring as hell too.

But I enjoyed every minute of it.

Sole Proprietor said...

Come on man! The game was not as bad as it appeared. Was it one-sided? Absolutely.

Give it up to Mr. Noah who threw his own block party and to Taurean Green and Lee Humphrey for awesome plays.

I tip my hat to the Gators chomping on the Bruins[burp].

NFL Adam said...

An Adam Sandler movie without Adam Sandler? You mean Grandma's Boy?

Anonymous said...

At the start of the game...I would swear that I saw Lance Armstrong sitting with Yannik Noah. did anyone else big up on that??

Jack Fu said...

"it looks like Group #2 kicked Group #1’s collective ass"

I totally disagree. The Final Four didn't suck because "there were no perennial powers," it sucked because there were deserving teams there, but, as you said, three of them didn't show up at all in their three biggest games of the year...

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

nice points all around guys.

benny - congrats man. national championship! Wow!

sole prop - true, those gators' stars really showed up and made some great plays.

nfl adam - yes, grandma's boy dumbass.

jack fu - i still hold true to my opinon, but i see your side and you make a completely valid point.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone notice Noah wink and blow two kisses at the UCLA cheerleaders about halfway through the second half? Now that was my highlight of the game.

NFL Adam said...

The UCLA cheerleaders were taunting him during the first half.

Anonymous said...

All D and no scoring makes UCLA a dull team. I hope I never have to see that boring-ass Bruin team again. I blame them for the quality of the game. On the other hand, Florida looked great, and I'd love to see them play a real team.

Philly Dee said...

couldn't agree more that the final four sucked rocks... Florida was the most talented team in the Final Four by far.... got my own comments at www.sportsblogsquad.com

A Seminole!!!!! said...

I think some of the analogies used when describing Noah are very tasteless. He is a "young" man that has come a long way to get to the dance. Stick to the facts and leave his heritage alone. Go Gators!!!!!!

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