1. Houston Texans - Reggie Bush, running back, USC
Now you can have Michael Michaels (yes, that is this douche bag’s name. His parents probably didn’t like him very much.) buy you a house, Reggie. Now.

2. New Orleans Saints - Mario Williams, defensive end, North Carolina State
The “Freak” take two? 6’7, 295 — no, that’s freakish.

3. Tennessee Titans - Vince Young, quarterback, Texas
Guess offensive coordinator Norm Chow (who wants Matt Leinart and is probably nervous about Young’s poor grade on the wonderlickmyass test) lost in the rock-paper-scissors match with GM Floyd Reese.

4. New York Jets - Matt Leinart, quarterback, USC
This could (and probably should) be D’Brickashaw Ferguson, but Jets fans might burn down Radio City Music Hall if Leinart isn’t the pick. Peer pressure will play a big role in this selection. Kinda like grade school.

5. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Hawk, linebacker, (The) Ohio State
Brett Favre returned for him? Could be Vernon Davis here, but Hawk is the Switzerland in this year’s draft — you know, the neutral/safe pick…fine, we just wanted to drop a WWII reference because we know think Hawk is related to Nazis.

6. San Francisco 49ers - Vernon Davis, tight end, Maryland
He’ll catch a lot of passes from Young Alex Smith. If Smith catches V.D. — you know, venereal disease — we wouldn’t at all mind.

7. Oakland Raiders - D’Brickashaw Ferguson, offensive tackle, Virginia
The Raiders simultaneously get the biggest steal and the biggest G in this year’s draft. Ferguson could easily go at No. 2, 4, 5 or 6, but if it’s not Leinart who falls a bit, it could be D’Brick. Want a good laugh? Say Brickashaw D'Ferguson. See, giggles.

8. Buffalo Bills - Haloti Ngata, defensive tackle, Oregon
This is a really boring pick of a guy from a really boring state (where, coincidentally, they have a town named “Boring”). Ngata is referred to as a "two-gapper" which we think means that he fucks people in the ass. (Though it's likely just some football term).

9. Detroit Lions - Santonio Holmes Chad Jackson Sinorice Moss Michael Huff, defensive back, Texas.
The Lions won’t draft a wide receiver. Matt Millen promises. Wait a sec...

10. Arizona Cardinals - Jay Cutler, quarterback, Vanderbilt
Some players just aren’t supposed to play for winning teams. And some teams aren’t meant to win. Ever. (Hint: the Cardinals are one of those teams).

In other news: Ben Broussard had 8 RBIs in Cleveland's win over Boston and has been called before Congress to testify in the Balco case.