Saturday, April 01, 2006

UW athletes to have 8 years of eligibility

The NCAA issued a report yesterday announcing that athletes at the UW will now have eight years of eligibility opposed to the previous four. This restructuring of NCAA rules will not affect any other university.

The change will take effect immediately.

"Boy, did we luck out!" said Athletic Director Todd Turner. "Basically we're just going to beat the crap out of every other school. They won't stand a chance. Their kids will be 18, 19, 20 years old. Ours won't even be kids."

This new clause in the NCAA contract will mean that Husky teams will have players as old as 26 on their rosters and with many years of experience. Turner compared it to when Danny Almonte played for the Bronx Little League team when he was 28 years old opposed to 12.

"What a way to build a team," said baseball coach Ken Knutson. "By the time these guys have played together for seven years, they'll be able to turn a double play with their eyes closed. I wouldn't suggest it, but they would be able to."

No restriction was made on how many years a player would need to stay in college before turning pro. It thus seems possible that a player could just stay four or five seasons."

I'll stay all eight," said point guard Justin Dentmon of the Husky basketball team. "We'll win like four national championships. We'll pull some UCLA shit on the country."

Dentmon referred to the run the Bruins had under coach John Wooden when they won 134 consecutive titles.

The NCAA did express some concern over the fact that many Washington athletes will be playing for four years after they have graduated, but said it wasn't worth stressing over."

I've got way better stuff to do than that," said NCAA Chairman Ralph Cunningham, referring to his Pokemon video game. There was no clear reason as to why no other school was granted the extended eligibility, but it seems likely that the NCAA just picked a team randomly out of a hat.

"Like I said," commented Turner, "we lucked out."

(This article ran in the April Fools edition of the University of Washington's The Daily).

-Adam Landres-Schnur

1 comment:

insomniac said...

Five more years of Isaiah Stanback at QB? Dear God, no!