Saturday, April 01, 2006

UW students to get paid to attend football games

While you can't put a price on winning, it seems that one can be put on losing.

Due to a 3-19 record the last two seasons, the University of Washington athletic department announced yesterday that students and alumni will be paid to attend Washington home football games this autumn.

"Crazy? Yeah, I'm fuckin' crazy!" said Athletic Director Todd Turner pointing to his head. "It's like Looney Tunes up here."

It's unclear as to how much each attendee will be paid for per game, but it's likely in the neighborhood of $10 in unmarked bills coming from a bank in the Cayman Islands.

As a result, the athletic department is bound to take a big hit to its revenue.

"Oh, we'll lose millions," said Turner. "Am I concerned? You bet I am."

Budget cuts are expected to be a casualty of this new plan to boost attendance.

"Don't count on having a basketball team next year," Turner said.

While the athletic department has not yet decided on how to distribute the money, Turner expects that it'll be thrown out after every touchdown, much like the confetti that is currently hurled into the air after each score. For safety reasons, the school will refrain from tossing coins.

The football team, meanwhile, was elated over the decision.

"We'll play in front of a packed-house every Saturday," said coach Tyrone Willingham. "The players deserve this. I deserve this. Shit, I could use the extra cash."

Whether the fans deserve this is yet to be determined. Nevertheless, they are expected to come to Husky Stadium in hoards.

"I'll be there," said half of the U-District's population. "They're paying us to watch football games. They are nuts."

Coincidentally, nuts will also be given out to the first 20,000 fans at the first game of the season.

"So, I like nuts," said an obviously hungry Turner. "Who doesn't?"

(This article ran in the April Fools edition of the University of Washington's The Daily).

-Adam Landres-Schnur


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