Some people just don't know when to quit

Jerry Rice used to be a good NFL receiver. In fact, he was pretty much the best in the history of the game. That was then, this is now. Rice, who hasn't played a game since ending the 2004 season with the Seahawks, signed yet another NFL contract Thursday. This one, mercifully, was ceremonial. You see, Rice wasn't exactly good his last few years in the league. And for us 49ers fans, it was a sad sight to see.

Rice signed a one-day contract so he can officially retire as a 49er, and will get some silly amount of money that refers to his uniform number, weight, hat size, zip code, and favorite radio station. Of course, he won't actually get any of that money, because, as stated, the contract is ceremonial. Pro sports financial rules are beyond us, so we're not sure how this whole thing actually works.

The point is, Jerry can now say he retired as a 49er, and we can forget about the debacle that was the last year or so of his career. It was too bad when he crossed the bay to the Raiders, it was just sad when he played in Seattle and spent training camp with the Broncos. Let's face it, if he couldn't play for the Niners, he shouldn't have been playing at all.

Sadly, Jerry apparently doesn't know how to quit in other aspects of his life. After his success in Dancing Like a Little Bitch Dancing With the Stars, he's now pitching a new reality show called "The Underdog."

-Jameson Costello

A great example of how to burn a bridge

Kevan Barlow used to be a 49er. Then he got traded to the New York Jets. Then he compared his former coach Mike Nolan to Adolph Hitler, and we're pretty sure he wasn't referring to their looks. Eeesh!

Well after getting traded, we can understand that Barlow was upset. He's leaving his first team, his home and it's the Bay Area after all. Though it's not like he was traded to Cleveland or something; New York is among the best cities in the world.

But to compare your coach to Hitler?! Well, that's a bit much. Even for us. And we can handle a lot. Adolph Hitler is the world's greatest villain. He is a cold-blooded murderer, etc., etc., etc.

Mike Nolan is, well, a football coach. And not a great one yet. Though, Kevan, Hitler? That's just out of line. And sure Barlow apologized for his actions, but let's just say that he won't be playing for Nolan again anytime soon.

In other news: Terrell Owens remains sidelined with a hamstring injury caused by an over-inflated ego.

Some may call Alyssa Milano a pioneer, others may call her a whore

Milano (center) with Brad Penny (lef) and Barry Zi, err, some old guy (right)

Alyssa Milano is, what we like to call in the blogging industry, a child star. She was eyeball fucked by starred opposite of Tony Danza on Who's the Boss? for a while and really didn't do much else. Sure, she was in that movie with Marky Mark called Fear and none can forget her role in Dinotopia. But her career was never the same after she stopped calling Tony Danza "Dad."

But now Milano, known in sports circles as that B-list actress who's down to romp with MLB pitchers (read: Carl Pavano, Barry Zito and now Brad Penny), has teamed with some apparel company to start a line of MLB clothes for ladies.

The line of clothes, labeled Touch -- cute, huh? -- will supposedly feature "high-quality fabrics" and "body-contouring silhouettes."

Translated into non-women talk: expensive shit that will hug your body like flies to cow dung.

Really this is a sweet thing Milano is doing. She's trying to get a guy's girlfriend to be more willing to accompany her man to the game by wearing slutty clothes of her (or his) favorite MLB team. She's bringing couples together under the lights.

So, as the headline suggests, Milano is a trailblazer. Or ho. You be the judge.

Norv Turner update: Despite the 49ers' embarrassing 23-7 loss to the Oakland Raiders, our BFF, Norv Turner, is still employed as the Niners' offensive coordinator.

In other news: The Falcons traded running back T.J. Duckett to the Redskins Tuesday for a cup of coffee, a scone and the morning paper.

Ted Lilly and John Gibbons are in a fight

John: I waited up for you last night.
Ted: I know.
John: (looks puzzled)
Ted: You always do that. You pretend to be asleep but I can tell you're awake and angry.
John: Where were you?
Ted: Out.
John: No shit.
Ted: I was out! All right?!

(Beat)

John: Why won't you look at me when we make love?
Ted: We haven't made love...
John: Ssshh.
Ted: It hasn't been the same since the kids.
John: (nods head)
Ted: The passion isn't there anymore. The Honeymoon's over.
John: You don't mean that.
Ted: I know. I know. It's just...
John: What is it?
Ted: It's tough. On the road all the time. Bad outings. Having to look up to the Red Sox and Yankees.
John: Come here.
(They hug).

Ted: I'm seeing someone else.
John: Don't say that.
Ted: It's been going on for a while now.
John: How long?
Ted: Two years.
John: Who is it?
Ted: You won't know them.
John: This is un-fucking-believable.
Ted: Don't be mad.
John: (mockingly) Don't be mad. Don't be mad. You've had your dick in another person. Of course I'm mad.
Ted: You're so fucking insensitive.
John: And you're a tramp.
Ted: I hate you!
John: Get away from me.
(John walks back to the dugout)
Ted: Come back. I'm sorry. I love you!

Check out what really happened here and read a much more proffessional, funnier post of a similar nature here.

In other news: The Yankees swept a five-game series from Boston Monday and proceeded to pour gallons of tea into the Port of Boston.

Start thinking of your Sidney Ponson jokes

Ponson, left, during happier times.

Sir Sidney Ponson: baseballer, knight, and hardcore drinker is no longer a New York Yankee.

After a three-inning, six-run outing Friday night against the Red Sox, Ponson was designated for assignment.

Ponson, now a free agent, will search for his fifth team since 2003. Despite Ponson's virtual ineffectiveness, habit of drinking and driving, and beating the shit out of an Aruban judge, Major League teams seem to find appeal in Ponson.

Perhaps it's because he's a large man. Perhaps it's because he had a few good years in Baltimore. Perhaps it's because he's an Aruban knight. We certainly wouldn't be surprised if a playoff contender decided to offer Ponson a spot in the rotation.

It's too bad Colorado and Milwaukee aren't really vying for a playoff spot; Coors Field and Miller Park would have given Ponson naughty thoughts.

In other news: Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship Sunday after getting a special pep talk from Chubbs Peterson.

Junior Seau is taking lessons from Brett Favre

Linebacker Junior Seau is indecisive.

After the 12-time Pro Bowler retired in San Diego Monday, he has been talked out of it by the New England Patriots and will be back on the field shortly, assuming he passes a physical today.

This is really Brett Favre-like decision making. Favre, who toyed with the idea of retirement for the better part of a year, decided to stay in the league. Now Favre may be tackled by Seau.

It's hard to blame Seau. He was approached by a Super Bowl quality team and an already-superior defense. It'd be hard to turn down the Pats. And $1 million, one-year contract doesn't hurt either.

But still. Three days of retirement? Really? Did Junior even get to the golf course?

As for the picture, well, it's strange. We're not sure who the girl/woman is, but

a. How old is she? She can't be a day past 18.
b. What is she doing on Seau's back?
c. Why is Junior's shirt off?
d. Why was this picture ever taken?

Perhaps he can explain this interesting photo to his new teammates in Foxborough.

In other news: Eli Manning threw a touchdown pass and set up another in a 17-0 win over the Chiefs Thursday after his daddy told him he could.

Vikings continue to be model citizens

Last season there was some news regarding the Minnesota Vikings that you may have heard about. They had this little party on a boat. They got in trouble. Zach mentioned the incident once or twice. Well, guess what? The boys in purple are back in the news again. It seems that Koren Robinson has been taking some driving lessons from Esteban Loaiza. In case you didn't get that joke, it means that Robinson got arrested for drunk driving. Again. No, this was not the first time for Mr. Robinson. Or Koren as they probably call him at the local jail. When you've met someone several times, you're usually on a first name basis.

Robinson made the situation worse by fleeing the police. At least things weren't quite as bad for him as they were for 'Reese (as his lawyer likes to call him).

So what's the lesson we take from this? The Vikings aren't very good at keeping their players in line. This most likely started with Randy Moss, who did pretty much whatever he wanted. I guess firing your coach doesn't always work.

In other news: Terrell Owens missed 2 weeks of practice after his helmet got replaced with the wrong model.

-Jameson Costello

Jason Grimsley is a generous guy (when it comes to money he didn't exactly earn)

Former Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley is back in the news. The 15-year vet who was suspended for 50 games in June after being busted for using illegal performance-enhancing drugs including steroids, amphetamines, horse tranquilizers, RU-486 and Flintstones vitamins, made the doping policy look pretty silly yesterday.

Turns out when you get busted for doing stuff you aren't supposed to do ("cheating," we're told, is the word here) you are still entitled to that year's salary.

During those 50 days of no baseball and Fun Dip, Grimsley was set to make $225,500, which was awarded to him last week as decided by the commissioner's office and the MLB Players Association.

Pretty messed up, right?

Well, Fun Dip lovin' Grimsley has a kind heart (could've been the horse tranqs taking effect) and has decided to donate his "earnings" to a handful of charities.

We aren't really sure what to make of this. We applaud Grimsley's generosity, but then again he's donating thousands of dollars all covered with the residue of a growth hormone and a steroid-infused syringe ("Metaphor." Metaphor is what we were looking for here.) to the Drug-Free Arizona charity.

Got to appreciate the irony.

In other news: Steelers coach Bill Cowher will wait until after the season to discuss a new contract because he intends to ride his motorcycle without a helmet before agreeing to terms.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Update: Barbaro's still alive!

This fucking horse.

To steal a line from the all-powerful MJD, "I wish they'd just put a bullet in him and be done with it."

Hey, somebody had to say it, right?

There's news about the three-year-old making progress. The report says that Barbaro is able to go outside and is walking on grass.

Great. Next he'll be able to suck his own dick.

Really. How much longer will this charade continue? We keep hearing back and forth reports about a horse. A horse. OJ hardly got more publicity.

It's almost too bad Barbs isn't doing something illegal. Then we could just pull a state of Texas on his ass and execute the motherfucker. He seems like a lethal injection kinda guy to us. But whaddya think?

-The chair?
-Firing squad?
-Gas chamber?
-Lynching?
-Hanging?
-Guillotine?

Well, Barbaro won't get the death penalty. But for the hell he's put us through, perhaps he should.

-Pavel Andorra

Joe Buck makes us nauseous

And now we'll be nauseous for two more hours a week.

Via The Mighty MJD, comes the news that Buck, in addition to being the play-by-play guy for the top Fox game each Sunday, will now host Fox's NFL pregame show as well.

Holy fuck!

This is horrible news for most of the country/world/solar system. We don't mind this as much as we should because that pre-game show starts at 8 a.m. on the West Coast, meaning we're still in a deep sleep when Buck is making a mockery of broadcast journalism.

But still, the fact that this douche-weasel is getting what is essentially a promotion is beyond belief. Loyal readers of TBP (that's The Big Picture, smarty) know that we hate Buck with a passion. His voice sounds like sand being thrown against a brick wall. Take the most dull objects you can think of, and, BAM!, you have Joe Buck in a nutshell.

In MJD's post, we compared Buck to Ani DiFranco and then realized if the two mated, their child would be doomed.

Buck doesn't seem destined to have sex with DiFranco, but being the butt-face he is, he doesn't seem destined for sex at all. Loser.

In other news: Matt Leinart and the Arizona Cardinals have finally agreed to terms after Paris Hilton told Leinart that she's only with him for his money.

It's Mascot Monday

We'll stick with the mascot theme today, so we present to you a fantastic video clip courtesy of YouTube.

This video had been around the block much like Christina Aguilera, but still it's worth showing. This is the Atlanta Hawk riding around town on a motorcycle. Two dudes in a car were fortunate enough to have a video recorder handy to capture the magic.

If you're having a case of the Monday's, well, this clip should perk you right up.

Enjoy!

Yes, there is a mascot Hall of Fame

It's been a tough few months for the mascots of America. We've had piles of fun with the Stanford Tree (whether it's drinking or being rebellious) during the winter, Benny the Bull had a brush-in with the law last month, and just this past Saturday night, T-Rac of the Tennessee Titans, plowed his golf cart into the Saints' Adrian McPherson .

But let's take a step back from all the off-the-field drama and recognize six very special mascots that will be inducted into the Mascot Hall of Fame on Tuesday.

As you can see in the photo, we would like to congratulate the following mascots for their superior mascotry:

-Utah Jazz Bear (a fucking bear? Why not, um, a saxophone?)
-The Houston Rockets' Clutch
-KC Wolf from the Chiefs (probably good thing they went with a wolf, rather than, say, a man portraying an indian chief in an overtly stereotypical way).
-Aubie the tiger
-Bucky the badger from the other UW
-YoUDee from Delaware. YoUDee is a Blue Hen. Don't know about you, but we've never crossed paths with a blue hen.

Now we weren't aware that there was a Mascot Hall of Fame. It's one of those things that just goes under the radar, we suppose. But it's good to recognize the best of the best in the world of in-game entertainment. And the Mascot HOF appears to be located in Philadelphia. So if you're in the area...

These mascots have gone above and beyond -- on and off the field -- to bring smiles to children, charity to those in need, and to cuddle with hot chicks without taking any heat for it.

And soon, this mascot will be inducted. It's just a matter of time.

Here's to you, the mascot class of '06! (Clink, clink).

In other news: Longtime NFL linebacker Junior Seau has decided to call it quits after new Dolphins QB Daunte Culpepper didn't invite Seau to the team's boat party.

Rhett Bomar will take your money

We haven't talked much about Rhett Bomar here at The Big Picture. We have Bomar, his scandal and other college football news covered at our other site.

But something like this is too good to go unmentioned here. We know we're late with this, but hey, it's Saturday. Anything goes.

So enjoy a nice photo posted over at a Texas message board. Great stuff.

Banned from your favorite ballpark

In a sad but true tale, Scott Harper (aka Jean Pierre Bosnia) has been banned from the famous Yankee Stadium. Why you ask? Well, because last August, at the house that Ruth built, Scott thought it would be a good idea to jump off the upper deck into the netting behind home plate. What would compel somebody to do something so stupid is beyond us. Perhaps Maurice Clarett could shed some light on the subject.

In any case, we got to wondering: Was it worth it? Was jumping off the upper deck in Yankee stadium worth the lifetime ban? (let's ignore the probable jail sentence) We think not. Sure, it may have been kinda fun, and yeah, the guy's famous, but any die-hard baseball fan would be devastated to learn they could never see their favorite team in person (at home) ever again.

Which brings us to the subject of this post: What could you do that would get you banned from a stadium, but would still be worth it? In order to qualify the act must be either incredibly fun, so spectacular that you instantly become an international sex-symbol, or so bizarre that it makes for a story that never gets old. Gold star if it satisfies all three.

Please share your ideas in the comments section. Some things to get the discussion started:

AT&T Park Mays Field, San Francisco: Catapult yourself off the arcade in right field, catch a Barry Bonds homerun in mid-air, and then complete a triple twisting double backflip dive with no splash into McCovey Cove.

Fenway Park, Boston: Bungee jump off the green monster. Steal Manny's Oakley Thumps when you reach bottom.

Wrigley Field, Chicago: Dress up like ivy. Hide in the center field wall. Scare the shit out of Juan Pierre when he goes to track down a fly ball.

McAfee Coliseum, Oakland: Sneak into the upper deck with a few buckets of water. Turn the baggies into a water slide. Try not to fall into the second deck.

Yankee Stadium, New York: Whip it out. Piss all over the NY logo behind home plate.

-Jameson "Pavel Barbados" Costello

Clarett to star in correctional league

As you probably heard by now (or at least read about courtesy of Deadspin, The Mighty MJD, or Insomniac's Lounge), Maurice Clarett was arrested, yet again, this time for stealing a Robocop costume, driving a tank down main street, indiscriminitely firing guns in the air, and serving drinks to underage women while driving.

Word on the street is that Krister Vietnam (Clarett's Ron Mexico alias), is taking a cue from the movies, and believes that he will turn his life around, in prison, much like Paul Crewe (aka Guy Finland) does in The Longest Yard.

Clarett has had a wee bit of trouble in the past, and we can't help but think this latest incident will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. They're probably gonna lock this guy in prison, and we're not talking white-collar resort prison, we're talking federal pound me in the ass prison.

So what will Clarett do? Well, the only logical thing he can to prevent some guy with no neck from making Clarett his plaything: Become the star of the prison football team. Clarett of course hasn't played organized football for about 12 years, but supposedly he was kinda good once upon a time. Maybe a correctional league MVP award will garner him some attention and when he gets out of the slammer in 10 years, some genius will give him another shot.

Krister, good luck. We toast to you!

-Pavel Barbados

'I'd hit that'

We haven't mentioned Ron Mexico for a while. In fact, the last time we did was when Lil' Mexico, known outside of adultery circles as Marcus Vick, was pulling guns over at the local Mickey D's.

But while perusing Every Day Should be Saturday, we came across the link for Ron Mexico.com, a great website with wonderful merchandise that you should all go buy in bulk.

While checking the site, we noticed a feature where you could type in your name -- or any name, for that matter -- and you'd get your very own Ron Mexico alias. Just like that. You too can mess around with a cheap ho and contract herpes.

So naturally, we dicked (get it?) around for a while and this is the gold we found:

Real Name/Alias:

-Peyton Manning/Maximillian Micronesia
-Marcus Vick/Hank Bosnia
-George Bush/Jorge Iceland
-Barry Bonds/Rod Paraguay
-Michael Jordan/Xavier Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
-Zach Landres-Schnur/Pavel Andorra

Two things can go without saying, but we'll say them anyway:

1. This is the greatest web feature since the invention of porn.
2. We will now be signing our posts, Pavel Andorra.

-Pavel Andorra

Pavel is the alias for Zach Landres-Schnur. He uses the name when he does strange shit with shady chicks.

Team USA means business

There was a basketball game Monday. Not college. Not the NBA. Not even high school.

Though there was some street ball going on. Oh, and this exhibition game between the U.S. and China in the World Championships.

Team USA must've eaten some bad chinese food or something because the Americans sure took out their aggression on Team China. The Americans won easily, 119-73, which, by our math, is a lot. China was without Yao Ming who was sidelined with an MSG-related allergy a foot injury.

It's always nice to have some basketball news in the dead of summer. It seems to be baseball, baseball, NASCAR, baseball, golf, baseball, motorcycle crashes, baseball...you get the idea. But now we have international hoops.

And the best part? Monday's match was played in Guangzhou, China. Yeah. Guangzhou. Just hang a left in Hong Kong and you're there.

If you noticed in the above photo, well, that's LeBron James. He plays basketball. He's pretty good. But his number changed! Whoa! He's no. 6, we suppose, for this little tournament. How 'bout that.

In other news: The Washington Nationals traded Livan Hernandez to Arizona Monday in exchange for a clean-breathalyzer for GM Jim Bowden.

Getting healthy on MLB's sick

Ever consider how the MLB standings would look if the division leader didn't play the last place team? Didn't think so. But maybe you should. Interesting stuff. Really.

Perhaps the standings would look similar if you threw out those games where the first-place team plays the cellar dweller. But not if you were the Oakland A's.

The Athletics -- ironically, not that athletic as far as ball clubs go -- won their 12th-straight against the AL West's last-place Mariners Sunday. The win pushed the A's to 60-51, nine games over .500, and Oakland is now 12-1 against the M's on the year. See where we're going with this?

Good. You do.

The A's are 48-50 against the rest of their opponents, making them a less-than-mediocre team when they aren't beating up on Seattle. And on the flip side, had the Mariners not faced Oaktown 13 times, they'd be seven games over.

Really it's pretty funny. Why? Well, laugh a little, will ya. It's Monday. You need to loosen up a bit. By throwing out those bottom teams and things change a fair amount.

The same can be said for the AL Central, where Detroit has made the Kansas City Royals look like fucking peasants. The Tigers are 11-1 against KC, making the Royals not very good against their division foe. If the Royals got those 11 losses back by not having to face Detroit, well, they'd still suck.

Ok, so this tinkering with results works better with Oakland and Seattle. Still though, it's an interesting way to look at the standings.

In other news: Jeremy Shockey returned to practice Sunday after being held out of practice for nearly a week with a "killer hangover."

For this guy, money does grow on trees

Remember way back when -- like two months ago -- when Barry Bonds hit a home run? No, it wasn't the last time he hit one. He hit one last month too. But on May 28, Bonds hit his 715th shot, which made him that much less popular with fans, media and animals.

Now that ball, caught by some dude waiting in line for a beer, has finally sold on eBay. The historic homerun ball sold for about 220k to eBay ID 52817. Yeah, #52817!

The dude who sold it is named Andrew Morbitzer and he can now afford to buy a house in the Bay Area where the cost of real estate rivals that of a professional athlete's salary.

Scary thing is, "experts" told Morbitzer that they expected the ball to sell between $200,000 and $300,000. And hey, it did! But there are "experts" who project the value of objects like historic homeruns? Really?

In other news: Of the 10 NL teams within five games of the Wild Card spot, one of them is the Oregon State baseball team.

Enough of Jenn

Jenn Sterger, a girl, is at it again. Her latest version of the Jenn Sterger Mailbag on SI.com came out yesterday, and, well, let's just say that it didn't belong on SI.com.

Basically Jenn is just playing the role of a therapist. And a bad one at that.

She takes questions from horny dudes who haven't got laid since 1996 and gives mediocre-to-lame advice. One of the questions was sports-related and that's it. The rest are all about her partying, how she likes her dudes -- we're guessing, by the way, that they're big, buff and rich. But, hey, that's just a guess -- and relationship advice.

So the question becomes: does this girl -- who got famous for looking hot at FSU football games -- deserve to be writing for SI.com? We suppose that isn't exactly a tough question. The better question could be: who did she sleep with and where did he get to put it?

Check out some of our Jenn Sterger Mailbags here and here.

In other news: Chase Utley extended his hitting streak to 34 games Wednesday and is in talks with teammate Brett Myers to take the hitting outside the ballpark.

The NIT is shrinking

It's called the National Invitation Tournament, though the NIT would be more fitting if it was called Not Invited To the Dance Tournament. Oh, that's an extra two "T's" and a "D," you say? Well, come up with your own name, you (enter a insulting/derogatory/racist slur here).

Yeah, the NIT, where stars, such as New York Knicks first-round pick, Renaldo Balkman, are born, is going to expand. The NIT will be cut from 40 teams to a more traditional 32 teams starting next season for various reasons. They mainly include common sense, seeing how now this tournament can have four regions of eight teams each.

Practicality is a pretty neat thing when you really think about it, so for all of you practical thinkers out there, well, the news of the NIT being cut from 40 teams to 32 likely just made your day.

And hey, we just made a connection: Renaldo Balkman -- NIT stud -- had two great games in Madison Square Garden. The NIT's Final Four is played at Madison Square Garden. Knicks GM Isiah Thomas picked Balkman because he'll be great at MSG!

Nah. Isiah's just an idiot.

In other news: Reggie Bush showed up at the Saints practice today with gold cleats, gold spikes and a gold member.

Bowden falls asleep, forgets to trade Soriano

With just minutes remaining before the MLB trade deadline, Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden fell asleep and forgot to trade All-Star left fielder Alfonso Soriano. Experts around the country were convinced the slugger would be traded, with the Minnesota Twins apparently the front-runners leading up to the deadline. Various sources were quoted as saying that a Soriano trade was "imminent," "definite," "a done deal," and even "fo-sho gonna happen."

Bowden held a news conference after the 4 PM EDT non-waiver trade deadline. "Sorry, I just fell asleep. I was up most of the night fielding offers for Alfonso and Livo [Livan Hernandez], and at the last minute I ran out of energy. I had like 3 Sparks Red Bulls, a couple of No-Doz, and a Jolt Cola, but it just wasn't enough. Now we're pretty much fucked."

Bowden was hoping to trade Soriano for a bounty of young prospects, assuming he would not be able to re-sign the free agent to be, despite Soriano's statements that he would prefer to stay in Washington. The Nationals currently sit in last place in the NL East, and are 8.5 games back of Cincinnati in the NL Wild Card race.

Speculation abounds that an AL GM sabotaged a possible deal with the Twins, in an attempt to keep Soriano in the other league. Chicago's Ken Williams, New York's Brian Cashman, and Boston's Theo Epstein have all been implicated, with Williams the prime suspect. Another GM, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Williams is always up to something shady, I wouldn't be surprised at all if he slipped Bowden a sleeping pill. It's obvious he's feeling the pressure the Twins are putting on, and wants to keep it a two-horse race." The White Sox currently sit 8.5 games back of Detroit in the AL Central Division, but are tied with the Yankees for the Wild Card lead, with the Twins just a game back of Chicago after a recent surge.

No details have been offered for how a sleeping pill could have been given to Bowden, who is in San Francisco to watch the Nationals humiliate take on the Giants. Other reports suggest that San Francisco GM Brian Sabean may also have been sleeping, as he forgot to trade ace Jason Schmidt.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig gave the following statement:

"Major League Baseball will not tolerate doping, either in the form of performance enhancing drug use by the players, or in the form of sleeping pills, or other mischievous substances, such as itching powders or laxatives, used by General Managers against one another. I will be putting together a team to conduct an investigation into Bowden's sleep episode, and anyone found responsible for foul play will be punished."

-Jameson Costello

Jameson is a graduate student at the University of Washington. He wishes that Brian Sabean would have traded Jason Schmidt for Lastings Milledge.

Can't we just win a lousy game?

We don't often go on rants at this site. It's not really our thing and it's not fair to you, the reader. We also rarely talk about our favorite teams. We leave the Washington Huskies to our other site and we prefer not to discuss the San Francisco Giants here.

But today anything goes.

The team they used to call the Giants forgot to play baseball last week. They have lost seven-straight, with the last six (two sweeps) coming at the hands of the mighty Washington Nationals and Pittsburgh Pirates. Yeah, two cellar dwellers just wiped their asses with the Giants.

But as the trade deadline comes and passes today, the Giants are in a bind. They are playing well enough to beat a Little League team, but probably couldn't escape a high school team. (And not an all-star high school team. Just the regular high school squad). They haven't won in a week and have a team morale equivalent to that of the U.S. soccer team.

But, playing in the NL West, they're only four games behind first-place San Diego. So they're right in the thick of things despite playing uninspired baseball. So what does the Giants' dumbass GM decide to do? Well, likely nothing.

Though we think it's time to sell, sell, sell. Even Grant, over at the mighty McCovey Chronicles thinks it may be time to lay it down. And Jason Schmidt has gotta be that guy. Pitchers are a hot commodity and there are few good ones available this season.

To give up a front-line guy like Schmidt, the Giants could come away with young, major-league-ready talent. Schmidt, who's a free agent at the end of the year anyway, is likely gone. So trade him now, get overpaid for him and start thinking towards Notthisyear. It seems too obvious, right?

Well, Brian Sabean has been known to do non-obvious things, like trade for a dickhead catcher and give up Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan and the best first name in baseball, Boof Bonser.

And then there's manager Felipe Alou who's about as bright as this breakfast cereal. (Drop a comment if you get the reference. Don't worry if you don't. It's a local thang). Alou makes three pitching changes an inning, always opts for the righty vs. righty matchup rather than going with the hot-hand and rather than having an ace up his sleeve, he has the two of spades.

There's just not a whole lot that makes sense in Giants camp these days. But hey, it's baseball. Just baseball. Oh wait, excuse us while we vomit.

In other baseball news: The Phillies traded Bobby Abreu and Cory Lidle to the Yankees Sunday for a "night on the town" with New York manager Joe Torre.

Another Bengal in trouble with the law

And here's the story.

True Ramonce wants to transfer, smoke weed everyday

We've touched on Texas Longhorn running back Ramonce Taylor often. Some may recall that he had a run-in with some police on a pecan farm a few months back. He then proceeded to get arrested because he possessed 5 ounces pounds of marijuana.

But we mention True Ramonce again, not because he was

a. dealing drugs
b. smoking drugs
c. dealing and smoking drugs
d. feeling inferior to Nate Newton's 213 pounds of pot,

but because he's planning on transferring. Our boy has had all sorts of academic problems as well as the run-ins with pecans, err, the law. Though in his statement, True Ramonce quoted Frederick Douglass. Yeah, Fred fucking Douglass. That seems pretty educated to us.

Specifics of the transfer are unclear at this point, though we think The U, that has pumped out such allies of the law as Ray Lewis, Sean Taylor and the fellas from The Seventh Floor Crew, would be a good fit.

Though our homie the Tar Heel, over at YAYsports! NCAA thinks Jamaica -- you know, the country -- would be a better bet.

We'll just have to wait and see, won't we.

In other news: The Dodgers traded Odalis Perez to Kansas City Tuesday for a package of double-stuffed Oreos.

Barbaro's hanging in there and perhaps fooling us all

There's not much recent news regarding everybody's favorite colt, Barbaro. There's a week-old article suggesting that Barbaro is stable, but still, the outcome's not looking great.

Though we did hear from Barbaro last week and the news was encouraging. He was in good spirits and likely still is. But the Mighty MJD, in an award-winning post last week, suggested that perhaps Barbaro really isn't so damn heroic after all and the whole thing is just a ruse.

Says MJD,

"This whole injury thing may be an elaborate ruse that he's staging because he's unhappy with the amount of apples that he's provided every day. In fact, he might be faking the whole goddamn thing. I don't trust Barbaro. Not even for a second. He's suspect."

This is really starting to make sense. What if Barbaro really faked the entire thing? Sure, the injury looked bad, but who knows, maybe the doc told him he had a twisted ankle, had to sit out the Belmont, and would be fine after that.

But Barbaro, sly as a fox, told the doc that it really hurt and told the horse-equivalent of Dr. Kevorkian to tell the media that he's really messed up.

Stay with us here, folks.

Barbaro's hanging out in the horsey hospital, getting all sorts of attention, watching hot women take on horses on TV from his hospital bed, and getting treated like a fucking rockstar. He's gonna try to milk this thing for all it's worth. Right?

So maybe MJD's right. Why should we trust Barbaro? He was certainly amicable in his letter to all of us, but still. Any horse can turn it on for the fans. He was saying all sorts of nice things, but he really could have just been thinking, "can't these people just leave me the fuck alone?"

Norv Turner Update: It's mid-July, training camps are in sight, and, yes, somehow Norv Turner is still employed by the San Francisco 49ers.

In other news: The White Sox acquired Kansas City closer Mike MacDougal Monday in exchange for technology that will erase any memory of KC's season.

Williams hurt; will seek medicinal marijuana for pain

Ok, so the part about the medicinal marijuana we made up. But c'mon, what's a post about Ricky Williams without a pot joke?

Williams broke his arm Saturday and is undergoing surgery to fix it as we speak. What the hell is Ricky doing playing football in July, you may ask. Well, if you remember, he's being paid by the ounce to play for the Toronto Argonauts.

Williams hasn't exactly been a hit -- get it? hit! -- in Toronto. He's averaging less than 60 yards a game and attendance in Toronto is down by over 3,000.

Guess that's what happens when you sit out on an NFL contract, kick it with monks and prefer the wrong kind of grass. Ain't karma a bitch?

Now he's hurt, adding injury to, um, a poor yards per carry average. But sitting out is Ricky's favorite part about football. It's just one more excuse to have a night in with Cheech, Chong and "True" Ramonce Taylor.
In other news: Floyd Landis won the Tour de France Sunday after removing his left testicle "for fun."

Update: Hillenbrand a Giant

Yesterday we said that Hillenbrand would not end up on a team with a hard-ass manager. Well folks, Felipe Alou is not your hard-ass manager.

Hillenbrand was traded to the Giants Friday for reliever Jeremy Accardo in a three-player deal.

So this is what it feels like to put your foot in your mouth.

In other news: Tiger Woods kept his one-stroke lead in the British Open after having a relaxing night of dinner and a movie with his wife.

Hey Shane, you would've gotten your ass kicked

Word has come out that Blue Jays manager John Gibbons threatened to fight with ex-Blue Jay Shea Hillenbrand after Hillenbrand wrote the "ship was sinking" on a clubhouse bulletin board.

Hillenbrand was a bit sensitive that the team did not congratulate him after his adoption of a little girl. He was on the bench when he returned to the team and just didn't like it. Hey, it's Shea Hillenbrand after all. He deserves the superstar-treatment.

As for why the "ship was sinking." Well, perhaps the Royals ship is sinking. Or KC's ship already pulled a Titanic. But the Blue Jays are 11 over .500. Sinking? Ugh, thanks for the cliché and all, Shea, but c'mon.

You can just about scratch yourself off any team's list which has a hard-ass manager.

And if you've seen John Gibbons, it's probably a good thing Shea's already out of town. Gibbons is not someone you'd like to come across in a dark alley.

In other news: Cleveland traded closer Bob Wickman to Atlanta Thursday for the secret to ex-pitching coach Leo Mazzone's rocking.

Castilla, Padres Break Up

In more sad celebrity break-up news, the whirlwind 9-month affair between the San Diego Padres and 3B Vinny Castilla came to an end yesterday, when the Pads dumped Vinny.

Many experts thought the union between Vinny and the Padres would last after he was acquired through a trade last November. Vinny has bounced between relationships since his long term romance with the Colorado Rockies ended in 1999. Since then Vinny has been linked with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the Washington Nationals, old flame Atlanta, the Houston Astros, and he even briefly reunited with Colorado in 2004. Vinny and San Diego looked to be a perfect match, and it seemed as though Vinny had finally settled down for good.

"It's not him, it's me," said the Padres, "I'm just not ready for that type of commitment quite yet."

Many are now speculating that the division-leading Padres are on the prowl for a younger, sexier third baseman.

"I have this great new ballpark, the weather is awesome, and I want to party!" squealed the newly single Padres. Adding insult to injury, the Padres continued, "Vinny always wanted to cuddle after fucking, and I'm just not into that."

It looks now like Vinny will have to continue his search for a team to settle down with. While several teams are rumored to be in the market for a third baseman, Vinny's sub-par performance in the sack at the plate this season will likely keep the suitors at bay.

Vinny could not be reached via cell phone. Neighbors report that he has been hiding in his house binging on pints of Ben & Jerry's and watching the "Meg Ryan Marathon" on Oxygen.

-Jameson Costello

Jameson is going home this weekend, and is really f-in stoked to kick it with Zach.

Husky hoops may become an impossible ticket

For the last few years, Husky basketball has been cool. Like the new kid at school whose nuts all the girls are on simply because he's the "new guy." Hec Ed is sold out nearly every game and celebrities -- like the recently mentioned Shawn Kemp -- are often in the house.

But now, the other Seattle basketball team -- the Super Sonics -- may be changing their name to the Oklahoma Sonics. Or like the Oklahoma Twisters. Hey, that'd be pretty cool. Helen Hunt was a fox in that movie.

The Sonics were sold to some rich guy from Oklahoma Tuesday, and if the folks in Seattle can't reach an agreement to build a new arena, the Supes are out of Seattle like grunge music.

What's this mean for the Dawgs? Well, probably nothing. Though if the Supes leave, that may make room for the Paul Allen-owned Portland Blazers to become the Seattle Tokers. That'd put Brandon Roy back in Seattle.

(Check out Brandon Roy headquarters and more UW Husky news at our other site, U-Dub Dish. Sorry for the plug. That was cheap of us. But not as cheap as the hooker The Tar Heel from YAYsports! MLB and NCAA has been buying. Zing!)

So yeah, Huskies basketball games might start getting really crowded really soon. That's a good thing. Yeah.

In other news: Despite popular belief, the one-hitter thrown by the Red Sox against the Royals was not by Pedro Martinez.

If MLB playoff contenders were Saved by the Bell characters...

If you don't know what Saved by the Bell is all about, read up on it here.


Detroit:
Lisa Turtle

The Tigers are confident and playing loose. They have the best record in baseball -- far exceeding expectations -- and seem to be having fun out on the field. Lisa is confident -- borderline cocky -- and is loose too. We all know she's been run through like a turnstile.

San Francisco Giants:
Jessie Spano

It's hard to call a team that's been lingering around .500 all season a playoff contender, but playing in the NL West, anything goes. Those following the Giants know that they are old. Real old. They recently had an outfield lineup that consisted of Barry Bonds, Steve Finley and Moises Alou, who are a combined 826 years old. (Our math may be faulty, but they are all over 40).

But with age comes wisdom, much like one Jessie Spano. She's always been bright -- certainly the bookworm of the group. But while the show is about high schoolers, there's no way Jessie was a teenager during the show. She looks like she's 33, divorced twice and has a toddler. To have her roaming high school halls is like Frankie Muniz playing the president on the West Wing.

But in the end, Jessie was always successful. Age can be a hindrance, but it can also be an advantage. We'll see which proves true for the Giants.


New York Mets:
Kelly Kapowski

The Mets are sexy as hell right now. Great lineup, solid pitching and New York is a major media market. There's everything to like about this team and nothing to dislike. They've been featured recently on the cover of Sports Illustrated and superstar David Wright is young, talented and a hit with the ladies. The Metropolitans are a sexy pick for the World Series and Kelly is sexy in every way imaginable.

Chicago White Sox:
Zack Morris

The White Sox have been there before. They're reigning champs and playing nearly as well as they were last season. They have a swagger to them -- likely coming from manager Ozzie Guillen -- and the fans, the media and the actual team knows the potential of the South Siders.

Enter Zack Morris, the star of the show. Zack is confident, suave and a bit rebellious. He can win over any crowd and most girls want to be with him while most guys want to be like him. The White Sox have a team and aura that makes them a popular squad; one that others try to replicate.

Boston Red Sox:
AC Slater

Slater is the token jock of the group and big, strong dude. He doesn't take shit from anyone (though he has a soft spot for Jessie) and there is a daunting presence about him. The Red Sox, anchored by Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, are a powerful squad. They'll out-slug just about any team and love to find themselves in a dogfight. Don't expect Slater to lose a fight (or wrestling match) anytime soon.

Oakland A's:
Screech Powers

Screech is clingy. He sticks to Zack like flies to shit. While the A's aren't exactly a bunch of needy ball players, they are clinging to a playoff spot. The entire AL West is separated by less than five games and the A's are trying to stay on top.

Much like Screech, the A's also have little power. Screech is a scrawny fella who is often picked on and wouldn't win 1 in 18,784,920 fights. The A's weakness is their power -- meaning that it's not there. The A's have had trouble scoring runs all season and also struggle to stay healthy.

But while Screech is clingy, nerdy and goofy, he has a strength, which is his mind. He's a smart guy and uses his brains to stay ahead. While we wouldn't exactly call the A's a brilliant ball club, they too have a strength, which would be their pitching. With a healthy Rich Harden, the A's have among the best rotations in baseball. They have two legit aces (Harden and Barry Zito) and we all know that is a recipe for success in a short playoff series.

New York Yankees:
Mr. Belding

Principal Belding, being a principal and all, is the boss. Though he is often seen as a pushover and a bit unsure of himself.

Sounds like the 2006 New York Yankees. The Bronx Bombers are currently out of playoff position (they're behind the White Sox for the Wild Card spot) and are a team that's not as confident as normal. They have all sorts of pitching woes and opposing hitters are walking all over the Yankees' starting five.

New York is used to living large and in charge -- like a high school principal (kinda) -- but this year's team, with a huge gap in the pitching rotation, is not as powerful as this franchise should be.

If you have different opinions, let's hear 'em. And check out our similar post comparing MLB players to Street Fighter II characters.

In other news: After winning their sixth-straight game, it was revealed that the Atlanta Braves have turned back time to the 1990s.

Celebrity Fans

Sports Illustrated is at it again with a list of the top celebrity fans in sports.

It's a pretty standard set of names; Ashley Judd of Kentucky and Matthew McConaughey of Texas are the one/two punch.

Not too many celebs show up at UW Husky games. Though, a year back, we were just delighted to see none other than the Reign Man, Shawn Kemp, at a basketball game.

We're not sure what Kemp was doing there -- perhaps watching one of his kids play, or just babysitting -- but he was a crowd favorite and a welcome sight.

So commenters, any famous celeb sightings at sporting events? Time to speak up. This is the time for our homies at The Hater Nation to talk about Kevin Costner.

In other news: The 2006 ESPY's aired Sunday night and were hosted by Lance Armstrong's left nut.

A letter from Barbaro

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your support over the last few months. As you know, this may be the last you'll be hearing from me. My leg is infected and it really fucking hurts. The doc may put me down soon.

But I want to thank all of you; fans, friends, peers...you've all been there for me since Day One. I really appreciate reading all of your signs and emails and getting to chat during visits.

Life in the hospital really hasn't been all bad though. The nurses have been treating me well, and one nurse, Patty, has been treating me really well. (Nudge, nudge).

A lot of the other horses have been stopping by to pay their respects, as well. Bernadini, who won the Belmont Stakes, came to visit the other day. He's doing well. We talked about how things are going on the circuit and gossiped about some fillies. We then sat down with some popcorn and Milk Duds and watched Seabiscuit. I liked it. Bernadini cried like a little bitch.

I also get to take a bath everyday. On some days -- usually Saturdays -- I spoil myself and take a bubble bath. Those are fun. I like to play in the bubbles.

My cast is really cool for a cast and I'm learning all sorts of neat stuff about leg injuries and infections. If I pull through, I may look into going into medicine.

Anyway, lots of writing makes me a bit melancholy, so I'm gonna wrap it up. Thanks again for all of your love and support. If I don't make it, I may be better off. It's been a fun ride.

Much love,

Barbaro

In other news: Mark Teixeira hit three homers Thursday after having special iced cream over the All-Star break.

Devil Rays Trade Huff for Juice Box

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, eager to purge their roster of all major-league caliber players, traded the versatile Aubrey Huff on Wednesday to the Houston Astros for one of Roger Clemens' socks and a 6.75 fl oz box of Minute Maid Orange Juice. Further details have not been confirmed, but a reliable Big Picture source indicates that the straw glued to the back of the juice box was intact.

Largely due to deals such as this, the Devil Rays have never had a winning season in their eight years in the league, and are headed to a ninth losing campaign. The Arizona Diamondbacks meanwhile, who also entered the league in 1998, have 3 division championships and the 2001 World Series title.

"We like to look forward, and build toward the future," said Gerry Hunsicker, senior vice president of baseball operations for the Devil Rays. "Heck, we already got rid of Joey Gathright, Fernando Cortez, Mark Hendrickson, and Toby Hall. It was only a matter of time." Hunsicker continued his nonsense press conference, saying "Aubrey was just starting to heat up. We couldn't wait until he was on fire to trade him, we might have received too much talent back in return."

Baseball experts aren't sure if the Devil Rays are total idiots or just modeling their franchise after the Cleveland Indians in Major League. What nobody is arguing about however, is the fact that these recent trades will allow the Rays to become one of the most thuggish teams in baseball, with the impending call-ups of super prospects Delmon Young, BJ Upton, and Elijah Dukes.

In an interesting twist, Tropicana, the company that owns the naming rights to Tampa's stadium, has issued a statement condemning the deal. "We don't understand why the Devil Rays would make such a trade," said a Tropicana Spokesperson, "we would be happy to provide all the orange juice they would like, free of charge. If they prefer Minute Maid products, maybe they shouldn't have sold us the rights to name the park."

In related news, reports from the Tampa area are that Carl Crawford and Jorge Cantu have recently put their homes on the market.

-Jameson Costello

Jameson usually goes by Jamie, but just decided that he prefers the real thing for a pen name.

NL Players Throw Tantrum, Decide to Quit

A day after losing the All-Star game due to a blown save by Trevor Hoffman, the National League players decided to quit the 2006 season and award the World Series to the American League.

“I mean, what’s the point?” said NL manager Phil Garner, “The team that wins the NLCS is just going to get swept by the White Sox, or Tigers, or whoever.”

The National League last won the All-Star game in 1938 1996, and have lost 9 and tied 1 since. They also have lost 6 of the last 9 World Series’ and got dominated in interleague play this season.

“It’s not fair!” wailed NL All-Star Dan Uggla. “The American League gets everything their way! They always win, and they’re really mean! Plus, I didn’t even get to play!”

In a surprising move, the players in the National League decided to vote whether or not to continue competing this season. The Mets and Cardinals were the only teams that voted to keep playing.

“This is really shocking. I can’t believe the NL lost, because they’re usually the better league,” said moron Fox analyst Tim McCarver. In more sad news, the All-Star game and World Series will continue to be broadcast on Fox for some time to come. “You’re stuck with us for the next 7 years” said Joe Buck, in a quote that is real.

After the game, A.J. Pierzynski was seen mooning the NL clubhouse and saying “na na na na na na.” Nomar Garciaparra locked himself in the bathroom and stated that he wouldn’t come out until Michael Young apologized for getting the game winning hit. NL pitcher Bronson Arroyo then sang a shitty blues song, and stated “If only Mike Piazza and Scott Spezio were here, we could really rock out.”

The American League players were disappointed, but not surprised to hear the news. They plan to continue to play and will crown a World Series champion at the culmination of the ALCS.

-Jamie Costello

What Materazzi really said to Zidane

This much we know: France's Zinedine Zidane and Italy's Marco Materazzi exchanged words in extra time of the World Cup finale before the French captain head-butted, judo chopped and roundhouse kicked the Italian defender.

Based on this ESPN article, we also know that Materazzi didn't call Zidane a terrorist, and that the insult was acceptable on the soccer field.

What we don't know are the words actually exchanged. So let's speculate on what one needs to say to get a scissor kick to the chest in the year's most important soccer game:

- Lose your hair in those France riots last year?
- You play futbol like a girl... who's missing her arms and legs and who can't hear and is probably blind and mute too.
- Wanna do dinner later?
- Those shorts really bring out your ass
- I know what your son is really doing at church. (It's the priest!)
- Me: Ozzie Guillen. You: Jay Mariotti. Thoughts?
- Bet your prick is smaller than my pinky.
- "Fuck you, dyke"
- Your team defends worse than France did in WWII. Mussolini, bitch!
- Dude, your daughter. Wow. Just wow. And get this: Our kid will have hair!
- You play soccer like an American!

Fine, so he probably just called him a "dirty terrorist."

Your turn, Big Picture faithful. Let's get some Zidane insults in the comments section. Best one wins a gold sticker. Fuck, make it two stickers.

In other news: The AL beat the NL 3-2 in the All-Star Game after Eric Gagne surrendered a two-out triple to Hank Blalock.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Bode Miller can now fail at baseball

The same guy who won as many medals in the 2006 Winter Olympics as Charlie Sheen has Oscars is now heading from the black diamond to the baseball diamond. (See that last thing about black diamond and baseball diamond? It's using a skiing reference and a baseball reference. There are many professional writers who get paid for coming up with clever shit like that).

Bode Miller, more famous for his diet of beer, tequila and 16-year-olds than for his athleticism, is making his way to the baseball field. Miller signed a one-year deal with the Nashua (N.H.) Pride of the independent CanAm League Monday, which is about 27 steps away from actual baseball. The article does not mention what position Miller will play, but he seems like he'd be an Armando Benitez type -- a high-profile guy with a big salary, lots of blown saves and the hatred of the fans.

As for the picture -- courtesy of those wacky fellas over at Deadspin -- well, let's just say Bode hasn't been seen with girls like that since his shutout in the Olympics. On second thought, these are exactly the girls (or perhaps transvestite) he's been hanging out with since.

Yeah, Bode Miller. Baseballer.

Edit: Ok, it's official. We're morons. It's a one-game contract, not one-year.

In other baseball news: Ryan Howard won the homerun derby Monday after bending David Wright over his knee and snapping him in half.

Italy wins the World Cup...

...and plans to sex each other up later today. (Or eat each other's faces).

(AP Photo)

Kerry Wood loses season, arm

CHICAGO -- Cubs veteran starting pitcher Kerry Wood's season looks to be over after his right arm fell off Sunday.

Wood, the 1998 NL Rookie of the Year, has had two injury plagued seasons in a row, culminating with the news today that his arm actually detached from his body during a series of range-of-motion tests he was undergoing in an attempt to diagnose his latest shoulder troubles.

"I'm pretty fucking pissed," a visibly distraught Wood told sources. "I have a bad feeling the Cubs won't pick up my $13 million option for next season."

The question now becomes whether Wood will be able to pitch again.

"Clearly Kerry is out for the season," Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal told various sources. "But I'm optimistic that the fantastic doctors who have been providing his care will be able to get him back onto the field next year."

Cubs GM Jim Hendry wasn't as sure: "Sadly, I think this might be the end of the road for Kerry. He was a great player for us, and we wish him the best. But let's be real. His fucking arm fell off. It's not attached to his body any more. I'm not sure what Mark (O'Neal) has been smoking, but I'd like some."

Wood has stated that he will undergo arm re-attachment surgery and begin rehab next month. While a major league pitching career may no longer be feasible, he hopes to regain at least partial use of his arm.

Jose Canseco offered his condolences, and stated that "If all else fails, I'm sure the Surf Dawgs will pick you up."

In other news: After the Red Sox and White Sox played 19 innings Sunday, MLB has decided to move the All-Star game to Chicago.

-Jamie Costello

Jamie is a grad student at the University of Washington. He didn't go to work today because, "I didn't feel like it."

Sports you don't care about

Slow news day in the sports world, so we'll turn our attention to the stuff that is boring normally gets neglected here at the Big Picture. A collection of thoughts:

Americans are bad at tennis
It's approaching the finals in this little tennis tournament that is apparently a big deal. Evidently no American singles player (man or woman) made the quarterfinals at Wimbledon, repeating the sad showing at the French Open. We can't really figure out why we suck at tennis, but we think it might be that tennis is only popular among rich snobs, who typically aren't great athletes.

That bike race in France is happening again
Believe it or not, the Tour de France is in progress, and some Belgian guy is in the lead. Americans like us used to at least notice this race because some american guy kept winning the darned thing. Now that he's gone, along with a bunch of other dopers, there's not much reason to watch. We figure pretty soon they'll make this like the World Cup and only run it every 4 years.

They bumped PTI for golf
Our favorite sports talk show, PTI, got bumped again today because there's some golf tournament going on. Everybody seems to care about this one because it's the first time Lefty (that would be Phil Mickelson) and Tiger are playing since they crapped their pants at the U.S. Open. Watching those two actually crap their pants would probably be more exciting.

We refuse to write about NASCAR
Enough said.

In sports-we-care-about news: Nomar Garciaparra and A.J. Pierzynski are going to the All-Star Game, after winning the vote to be the last player selected for each team. A.J. is an asshole and Nomar is a Dodger, so we'd prefer others. Our choices? Francisco Liriano from the AL because he's pitching better than pretty much anyone, and Bobby Abreu from the NL because he should be back in the home run derby.

-Jamie Costello

Those silly Italians

Photo from BBC.

The same country that brought you pizza, the mafia and grease now brings you a soccer team that is pretty good.

Italy got two late goals in OT to knock off Germany and advanced to the finals of the World Cup. They'll face the winner of today's match between Portugal and France.

We had a tough time rooting for either team. Seeing how it was the Fourth of July, and this was a game between two Axis Powers, this game didn't exactly ring, "Go America!" But for another main reason, we just couldn't root for Italy.

Why? Because they're softer than the ice cream at Dairy Queen. An intriguing article in Saturday's San Francisco Chronicle by the always readable CW Nevius discussed how the Italians are number one in the world at the swan dive.

The Italian players will brush up against an opposing player -- in Tuesday's match, a German player -- and fall down like he's been hit over the head with a 2x4. This is sending a terrible message to kids all over the world who now think the way to get a call is to fake an injury or bitch at the ref.

The Italians complain, act, whine, bitch, cry for Mommy, swear, curse, mope better than any other team in the World Cup. And now they're in the finals.

In other news: Takeru Kobayashi ate 53 hot dogs Tuesday at his Fourth of July barbecue.

Happy Fourth of July

When you are spending your holiday doing chores, catching up on sleep and watching re-runs of "Who's the Boss" getting piss drunk, here are some things to think about while feeling so proud to be an American:

-USA Soccer
-USA Baseball
-USA Hockey
-USA Basketball

Wait a sec...

In other news: Jose Canseco returned to the ball field Monday though said he's considering joining the Tour de France because, "I think I'll fit in well."

Batting average doesn't mean shit anymore

So the All-Star rosters were unveiled Sunday and, of course, we have issues with it. The fans did a better job than they usually do -- though five of the eight position players in the AL are from either Boston or New York. But the bigger issues have to do with the current batting leaders in each league.

Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer, hitting an outrageous .392 entering today, was not voted in as a starter by the fans. Tigers catcher Pudge Rodriguez got the nod over Mauer. (Mauer was selected as a reserve).

In the NL, things were significantly worse. Despite leading the national league in batting, Nomar Garciappara's .362 average wasn't good enough to even get selected. Phil Garner, the NL's manager, just put a target on his back for not even choosing Nomar as a backup.

Not that the All-Star game is a big deal -- really it's just for the fans and a good break for the players -- but still, isn't batting average a pretty important category?

Oh, and apparently you could vote for the last two all-stars if that's your thing. Um, ok.

In other news: The Chicago Cubs beat the White Sox, 15-11 Sunday behind five field goals from Paul Edinger.

And then there were four...

...and we imagine this is what Brazil looks like right about now.

In other World Cup news: David Beckham quit as England captain to focus on his acting career.