The once proud and true franchise the Tampa Bay Devil Rays might be going down the tubes. Don’t worry. We’re just as shocked as you are. It seems that their draft picks seem to have a hard time outrunning the long arm of the law. Just in case you don’t have the Internet, here are some of the highlights:
Josh Hamilton — forgot to “Just Say No” and drugs ensnared him just like
B.J. Upton — furious over being named after the act of fellatio, Upton reached a breaking point. One night in North Carolina, he got drunk, got arrested, met J.J. Redick in jail, autographed Redick’s scrotum, donkey punched him, tea-bagged him, slapped him with both an open hand and a closed fist, peed on J.J., and made farting noises with his hand and his armpit.
Toe Nash — the infamous Nash thought it would be a hilarious prank if he assaulted a minor, raped her, and then topped it off with a felony theft. The girl didn’t have quite the same sense of humor as Toe, and failed to see the funniness. Now, he can only hope his cellmate T-Bone shares his sense of amusement.
Delmon Young — everyone is familiar with batgate. Although, in his defense, he did do it all in the name of science.
If a man named Toe Nash can’t succeed in the world, what hope is there for the rest of us? It just makes us count our blessings everyday that instead of buying the Devil Rays when they were offered to us for $129.99 in 1998 we made friends with Bob Sagat. The rest, as they say in Mexico, is history.
-The Tar Heel