Friday, December 29, 2006

Chess player banned. No, not for steroids.

The number one rule in life is, "Don't get caught." And yes, the rule applies to chess players too.

Though Umakant Sharma wasn't listening.

The Indian chess player has been banned for 10 years for cheating after he was caught using his mobile phone's wireless device to win games, chess officials said on Wednesday.

Mr. Sharma was caught at a recent tournament when officials discovered that he had stitched a Bluetooth device in a cloth cap which he always pulled over his ears.

He communicated to his accomplices outside the hall, who then used a computer to relay moves to him, Indian chess federation secretary D.V. Sundar said on Wednesday.

Man, 10 years?! Eeesh. Makes you think that he'll never get his crack at Bobby Fischer. (That was a chess joke. A bad one at that. Our apologies.) Sure it may be a generalization that all chess players are smart, but Sharma broke the number one rule. He got caught. And he's going to pay. With blood. Ok, not blood. But he's gonna pay.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Smoot to have trouble playing, spitting game.

Put the lap dances on hold. One of our favorite characters might need to take a break from the strip clubs for a few weeks. Fred Smoot, of Love Boat fame, broke his jaw in five places in a single-car accident in Mississippi. Smoot was at home for the holidays, and most likely was on his way home from a gentlemen's club when the accident occurred. No word on if he was sober or doing a Dontrelle impression.

Needless to say, Smoot won't be playing in the Vikings' final game on Sunday. Sadly, he'll probably need to stay out of the strips also to make sure the jaw heals properly. In the meantime, he might need some special training in order to spit game the way he's used to.

While it's never good to see a player get knocked out of action, we're resting easy knowing he'll likely be healed in time for next summer's annual boat cruise.

In other news: Chris Simms signed a two-year contract extension with Tampa Bay and will look to lose his kidney next.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Dallas Cowboys are unhappy

Ain't losing a bitch? Especially on Christmas. Man, we almost feel bad for the Cowboys.

But then again, they're from Dallas, have a one Terrell Owens playing for them, and likely make light of Native Americans. Just imagine a Bill Parcell's pre-game speech.

"You guys are the cowboys and the Eagles are the fucking Indians. You know what cowboys do to Indians? They fucking slaughter them! Go play cowboys and Indians. Fuck yeah!"

Well at least Parcells won't get any heat from us for his post-game thoughts. Though Terrell Owens, on the other hand, won't escape our wrath. On dropping yet another pass, he had this to say:
"He bumped me way down the field," Owens said, accusing safety Brian Dawkins of breaking the rules. "By the time I looked up and located the ball, it was right on me. ... I thought they were going to throw a flag."
Well boo fucking hoo. TO, who is more concerned with outing the winning quarterback then dropping passes from the losing one, should really take a lesson in losing. Rather than whine, TO, just cheat. You may as well at this point.

A playoff berth is a win over the Raiders away...

Monday, December 25, 2006

What Santa's brining to the nice boys and girls...and America's athletes

For Timmy, Santa probably will bring a brand new bike. Maybe he'll slip some rubbers in to Timmy's stocking as well, to keep him extra safe.

As for what Santa is bringing to some people we all care about:

-Dennis Green: A fire extinguisher to cool his ass off from that burning chair.

-Matt Leinart: Medication to tame the herpes outbreaks.

-Brady Quinn: An evening with the cast of The Full Monty.

-The Cincinnati Bengals: Some good lawyers

-Harold Reynolds: A gift card to Boston Market.

I'll have a "brief and innocuous hug" with a side of mashed potatoes

-Marcus Vick: A copy of the newest edition of Barely Legal.

-The cast of ESPN's Around the Horn: The latest CD by the Talking Heads.

Listening to the Talking Heads beats Jay Mariotti any day

-The BCS: Only two undefeated teams and the critics to shut the fuck up about a playoff.

-Mike Vanderjagt: An idiot team to hire him.

-Bobby Bowden: A copy of The Internet for Dummies.

You kids must stop listening to the eBay

-Barbaro: Stronger legs. And some Elmer's glue. (Babs always likes a good, practical joke).

-Monday Night Football: A competitive game minus a B-list celebrity in the broadcast booth = better ratings.

-Nate Robinson: Anger management classes.

-Carmelo Anthony: A douche to clean his fucking pussy, pussy.

(Feel free to add some of your own. It's like a game, one the whole family can play. If you're at work, well, we are too. Time and a half, Bitch!)

Happy Holidays!

Fire Millen march about as successful as actual team

There was all sorts of hype surrounding the Lions-Bears football game Sunday. Not because people really cared about the game -- c'mon, you have the best and worst the NFC has to offer, that'll be only as exciting as the cheerleaders can make it. But the boys at Fire Millen had built up excitement for what would be a protest to call out Matt Millen for being as good a GM as Joe Buck is a person.

But turns out that only about 100 people gathered in the second quarter of the Lions' 13th loss to shout, "Fire Millen."

Not exactly the kind of movement that could start a revolution; a revolution the Lions desperately need.

Millen seems safe for now (his job that is. Safe from verbal abuse? Never.), as does first-year coach Rod Marinelli, who may have been better off staying in Tampa. As for the Lions, yeah, Brady Quinn or Troy Smith?

In other NFL news: Denver beat Cincinnati 24-23 after the Bengals were cited for disorderly conduct during their final PAT attempt.

Friday, December 22, 2006

This may just be the coolest thing we've ever seen!

Question: Can you have a wet dream when you're awake?

Answer: Yes. But only when Allen Iverson and Jim Mora are involved.

(Big, giant blogger reach-arounds to With Leather and J.E. Skeets at the FanHouse for finding this staggering work of genius).

BALCO Hunters hate cripples

How do you shoot a BALCO Hunter in the back? What if you miss?

Ever since the BALCO Hunters -- a blanket term for anti-doping organizations and employees -- emerged as a major player in American sporting some years ago, an athlete can't so much take a piss without some BALCO Hunter trying to bottle up the urine and test it for steroids, marijuana, or herpes.

Of course, with the Tour de France soap opera among other events, the BALCO Hunters have taken their act across seas. And now, the BALCO Hunters have it in for handicapped athletes too.

Wheelchair tennis player Meliha Karic was banned for two years after testing positive for a metabolite, the International Tennis Federation announced on Thursday.

We weren't aware that there was such a thing as wheelchair tennis, but that's pretty cool. And this is pretty weak. Karic, French, didn't even mean to break the rules. She took some illegal substance -- and frankly, what the fuck isn't illegal these days? -- with her regular medication, so this isn't a pre-medicated doping scheme or something.

Little does this little tennis minx know, but the joke's on the International Tennis Federation and the BALCO Hunters: she'll be walking in two years when she's again eligible. She just may not know that yet.

(Big ups to "kickers_suck" for that tip). And please head over to Steroid Nation which has a nice -- and much more informative -- take on this. And send a letter to the ITF...those bastards.

In other news: Carmelo Anthony will not appeal his suspension for running like a little bitch, and will sit out for 15 games.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Best-looking female athletes aren't spicy hot was in the "fuck inner-beauty" kind of mood Wednesday and decided to publish a list of the best-looking male and female athletes. You can find your jerk-off material here and the list of males here, if that's your thing.

That woman to your right? That there is tennis player Maria Sharapova, who was voted as the best-looking female athlete. Now don't get us wrong, we'd certainly tear through her, given the chance. But we can think of a few other girls we'd like to have our way with over her. Take any ladies of "Would you do..." fame. C'mon, Sharapova makes Andea Kremer look like a 10.

And if she's No. 1, imagine the other girls. The photo of No. 14 Marion Jones looks a little like the mug shot of Lebron James' mom after she was charged with nearly everything short of running drugs from South America.

As for the guys, err..., we're not going to touch on it. But the list is full of some guys we've never heard of, and the "best-looking" dude is a surfer, which isn't the first thing that comes to mind when you hear "athlete."

Some other notable females on the list:

20. Michelle Wie
17. Lisa Leslie
3. Anna

Though there was one omission we were a bit surprised about: where the fuck was Rebecca Lobo?

In other news: Georgia Tech QB Reggie Ball was declared ineligible for the Gator Bowl after not being able to effectively get the ball to Calvin Johnson.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Michelle Wie is suddenly smart

You'll be lucky if your beer comes in bottles in college

Smart enough to get in to Stanford anyway. (Though we imagine her golf game helped get her admitted. Or she slept with the dean).

The 17-year-old (she's not even legal yet?!) will enroll at Stanford in the fall making one think she won't be concentrating entirely on her golf game for now.

"No one really believed me (because I was high as fuck)," Wie said from Orlando, Fla., where she is working with swing coach David Leadbetter. "Now that I got into Stanford ... it was one of my dreams (along with becoming a man so I can get the hell away from Annika. Fuckin' lesbo.), and I want to go through with it (because I have plenty of money already, so fuck it, why not get an education too?). I definitely want to go there and really try to graduate. (I mean, it's not like I'm actually going to graduate. But this way, some dickhead blogger won't poke fun of me for being rich despite not having a college degree)."

This seems similar to the route of some other famous golfer. Start playing at a young age, go to Stanford, play some more golf, turn pro, win some tournaments, nail some hot supermodels, play some more golf, etc.

Was it Mark O'Meara? Corey Pavin? Fuck no. Pavin would never bang a supermodel. Must've been Ernie Els.

Oh, Tiger Woods, you say? He went to Stanford? Right. Bet he got a great education too. As for the supermodel, yep, she must be with him for his charming personality.

So you may not be hearing from Ms. Wie anytime soon. But if you happen to be a student at Stanford, check in with Michelle for us. See if she wants to go to a frat party. Don't slip her Roofies though. The gal has deep pockets.

In other news: The Denver Nuggets traded Andre Miller, Joe Smith and two first-round draft picks to Philadelphia for the right to claim Rocky Balboa as a native of Denver.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Arizona State women are getting wet

That headline there? Yep, sexually loaded. Fully intentional. But relevant too.

Tenth-ranked Arizona State beat Texas Tech 61-45, in a game made fully possible by those bastards behind Title IX. Kidding! The game was called early, with just over four minutes to play because of rain. Fucking rain!

There's weather in an arena? That sir is where you are wrong. The game was played outside at Chase Field, home of the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Playing outdoors in December -- no matter the location -- seems about as silly as allowing women the right to vote this guy. Though it seems that the teams involved had a merry time playing in the puddles.
"A basketball game has never been rained out before," Arizona State's Emily Westerberg said, "so I think it's really cool to be a part of that."
And we think it'd be really cool if Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba star in a snuff film together, but that just ain't gonna happen.

Glad you were able to be a part of history, Sweetheart, but if we were the Texas Tech coach, we'd be as pissed as, well, this guy. The Red Lady Raiders would have unlikely come back from a 16-point deficit in four minutes, but now we'll never know. And as Gi Joe says, "knowing is half the battle."

Really, whose bright idea was it to schedule an outdoor basketball game a week before Christmas? That person better have been wasted on peyote. The good shit too.

In other news: After losing 34-16 to Indianapolis, the Cincinnati Bengals were charged with a DUI: Defense Under the Influence. (And they probably found an ounce on Chris Henry).

Monday, December 18, 2006

Anthony Morelli is having a tough week

The guy on the Penn State football team who stands behind the center on offense has had a bad couple days. His name is Anthony Morelli and to call him a quarterback might not be the best way to describe him, though that's what he technically is.

Anyway, Nittany Lions fans have noticed the same thing about Morelli that we have -- that he generates about as much offense as someone who's legally blind and doesn't have arms. So livid are certain oddballs in Happy Valley that Morelli has received death threats via email.

Email may not exactly be the most intimidating way to be told someone wants your ass six-feet deep, but a death threat isn't the nicest thing to read first thing in the morning, no matter the delivery.

And turns out, simultaneously it seems, that Morelli is now a bit upset with his former high school coach, Neil Gordon. Says the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

Morelli accused Gordon and a former member of his coaching staff of spreading rumors about his inability to read defenses and his level of intelligence. He also said Gordon kept college recruiting letters from him and tried to sabotage his recruitment.

Messing with Morelli's recruitment seems like a pretty dickhead move, but the whole thing about not being able to read defenses, well, maybe Coach was right on that one. It's one thing for Morelli to fire back at his coach, but ya know, with his 10-8 TD-INT ratio this season at Penn State, it seems like Morelli does in fact have an inability to read defenses. Just sayin'...

As for the death threats, yeah, don't rule out Coach on this one.

In other news: Carmelo Anthony apologized Sunday for not inolving the fans in Saturday's brawl at Madison Square Garden.

Friday, December 15, 2006

The New York Knicks are spending money

And that's not money well-spent either.
released the salary information of all the NBA teams (and also the Knicks), and it's no surprise to see the Knicks at the top of the list.

New York, spending over $117 million this year, are swimming pools of money ahead of the next spendiest team, Dallas. The Mavericks come in with just over a $91 million payroll.

The report also dubbed the backcourt of Starbury and Stevie Franchise the most overpaid players.
All that money and not a single playoff-series victory for either Marbury ($17,184,375 this season) or Francis ($15,070,000), who share the starting backcourt in New York. Marbury is having the worst season of his 11-year career, and Francis, who is suffering from knee tendinitis, hasn't been especially productive when healthy. Both are signed through 2008-09.
Yep, what they said. We all know that Isiah, who seemingly wipes his ass with hundred dollar bills, already has GM/Coach of the Year in the bag with these great contracts. And with his great draft picks.

Segue. Renaldo Balkman, a favorite punching bag around here, is making nearly $1.2 mil! Wow! You've gotta think rich Knicks fans (Spike Lee, we're looking your way) would have paid Isiah $1.2 not to draft Balkman. But hey, the past's the past, right?

Balkman's contract is worth more than our second-year homeboy, Nate Robinson. But good to know Nate's a millionaire. Bet he's buying all sorts of fun toys. For some reason we picture a trampoline.

In defense of Seattle's weather

Thursday night's slushfest between the Seahawks and 49ers was the third prime-time game at Seattle's Qwest Field this season.

The other two? Monday Night Football games against Oakland and Green Bay. And what has the national audience seen? The game versus the Raiders was played in a downpour, and when the 'Hawks took on the Packers, well, just look at the picture above.

And in the 24-14 loss to the Niners last night, there was plenty of rain -- the NFL Network's Rich Eisen wouldn't shut up about it during the pre-game -- and there were legitimate typhoon warnings. Fucking typhoon in Seattle?

Folks across the country must just naturally think that Seattle is a helluva place to live. Wind, rain,, Seattle's got it all. Well, we've been here for about five years and frankly, the NFL television schedule has chosen the worst three days of weather Seattle has seen in years.

A big misconception about Seattle is that it always rains and when it rains, it pours. Seems like that was the case yesterday, but certainly not an overall trend.

Sure, it is often gray -- probably about 75% of the year consist of overcast skies. But it really doesn't rain all that much. And when it does rain, it's often nothing more than a heavy mist.

Seattle, by no means, rivals the weather of Southern California. But after the national football market has watched three games from snowy, rainy and windy Seattle, people probably have a poor image of Seattle's climate.

Would we rather have sunshine and girls running around in short shorts and halter tops? Figuring those girls are freaky, hell yeah. But the weather in this town, well, don't let what you've seen from Qwest Field this season make up your mind.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Blogger Interviews: Matt Ufford's With Leather

We're starting a new segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

Up today is Matt Ufford from, well, where the hell isn't he from? Matt blogs over at the wonderful Kissing Suzy Kolber (under the alias Captain Caveman), talks Seahawks football over at the NFL FanHouse and is the editor of With Leather, a full-time gig. Please welcome Matt with open arms and go support KSK in its quest to win the award for Best Sports Blog.

1. The rundown:

Name: Matt Ufford
Age: 28
Location: Park Slope, Brooklyn
Occupation: Blogger, though sometimes I say "writer" to feel better about myself.
Favorite teams: Seahawks and Mariners.
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5)
-Trash Talking 301: Taking It Up a Notch
- The Manning Bowl: A Look Back on the Greatest Event in NFL History
- The NFL Is Looking for a Few Good Organ Donors
-The Tom Brady Tribute Video (I'm proud of this one -- With Leather was the first site to post it)
Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere: Anywhere from nine to 15 hours, depending on how much is going on and how much coffee I've had.

2. You're a professional blogger. Meaning they're paying you. Like real money. How awesome is this job?

There's no getting around it: I'm a lucky son of a bitch. Like any job, there are things I can complain about -- like, I actually miss the social nature of an office, interacting with people without the aid of a computer -- but that would be pretty shortsighted and ungrateful. I get paid to surf the Internet, check my email, and call rich people assholes. All without having to put pants on. It's a charmed life.

3. How'd you hook up With Leather as a paying gig? Did they approach you? You approach them? Or did you sorta meet in the middle?

It was a combination of dumb luck and me seizing an opportunity. I sent Ryan Perry, who runs the link-dump site GorillaMask and owns Fat Penguin Media, an email last August when he made a passing mention that he was a Seahawks fan. Basically, I said, "Nice to see another 'Hawks fans on the Web, here are a couple links from Kissing Suzy Kolber that I think you might like." He wrote back (I'm paraphrasing), "I know your work from Deadspin, and it's funny that you wrote, because I'm thinking about starting a sports blog, and I'm looking for writers; there might even be a possibility of full-time work."

I think the sports blog was something that was sort of on the backburner for him, something on the horizon, and he was just starting to put out feelers, but I emailed him explaining my vision for the site, the voice that I would use in order to appeal to Fat Penguin's target demographic, how it would compliment the network's other sites, and why I should be the editor. I probably came off as totally insane, but I got the job anyway.

4. Take us through a typical day of blogging for you.

It varies. Lately I've been too restless to sleep past 5:30 or 6:00 a.m., so I've been using that to get a jump start on the day. The first thing I do is go through my email for tips and read all the new posts from blogs I subscribe to via RSS. This helps me organize my thoughts as I try to figure out what stories I'll address throughout the day, which posts I need to do first, et cetera. Then coffee and a light breakfast. My first post usually goes up around 9:30, give or take a little bit, and I post about every 45 minutes to an hour (sometimes a little longer) until I'm done with the days' posts.

Once I'm done with my WL posts, I go to the gym, eat, then come back home and take care of the rest of my writing -- I usually write between two and four posts a week for KSK, about three a week for the Seahawks FanHouse, and I dump little bits of ephemera that amuse me on my personal blog, Karmic Payback. (Or sometimes I say "Screw it" and go out with friends. That's a lot more pleasant.) I try to go to bed by 2:00 so I can (in theory) get six hours of sleep.

5. How'd you get involved in the blogosphere? It seems that you and other avid Deadspin commenters started Kissing Suzy Kolber and from there things took off, but how'd you first start getting involved at Deadspin?

I found Deadspin because I used to read Gawker. I'm not sure I was even really aware sports blogs existed until I found Deadspin. It was great; it changed the way I wasted time at work.

Not long after that, I started writing for 12 Seahawks Street (Captain Caveman's still on the roster there, but I haven't written anything for them since I joined the FanHouse). From there came the Deadspin comments section, where Big Daddy Drew and I became virtually acquainted. He thought that the NFL, for all its popularity, didn't have a worthy representative in the blogosphere, so he recommended we start a blog that was strictly devoted to making fun of the NFL, because the league takes itself so seriously. We recruited Unsilent Majority, Monday Morning Punter, and Footsteps Falco to start the site, then Christmas Ape and flubby joined us after Falco disappeared and we started getting stretched too thin.

6. Dream job? Go.

Does Scarlett Johansson need a breast polisher?

Seriously, I've got my dream job. Although if it were a better dream I'd be making a lot more money and have a book deal.

7. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few of your favorites?

Oy, there are so many. I'm really happy and proud to be a part of KSK; now that I work from home, the email threads I have with those guys substitute for hanging out at the water cooler in a real office. Every time somebody writes "New post is up" I go there immediately.

For general sports: Deadspin and The Big Lead deserve special mention. For the NBA, I'm astounded by the depth and volume and quality that TrueHoop produces. In MLB, it's all about The Dugout, which I think is actually the single-best sports blog in terms of originality, creativity, and humor -- I can't say enough about how much I like it. And Every Day Should Be Saturday makes me want to be more of a college football fan.

I subscribe to a lot more than just these, and I refer you to With Leather's blog roll for the rest of my favorites, because I already feel like an ass for not mentioning The Mighty MJD and The Basketball Jones and We Are the Postmen.

Oh, and The Big Picture, of course.

8. Quickly explain your ties to the Northwest and being a Seahawks fan. With that, the NFC is weaker than Barbaro's legs. Who's your pick to rep the NFC in the Super Bowl?

I was born just outside of Tacoma, and my parents live in western Washington again after a two-decade detour around the country (my dad was in the Air Force). I've never really had a home with roots, so I've always considered the Northwest my default home. Plus my dad was born in Oregon and raised there and in Washington, so I inherited his teams.

I don't dare make serious predictions: I'm always, always wrong. As good as the Bears are, I don't see Grossman raising his game to a playoff level. The Saints have a very good QB, they look really solid and generally play hungry, but they seem too recently cobbled together. The Seahawks could conceivably get everything together and get the #2 seed, but even now as they get healthy they've been barely pulling out games. I guess that leaves Dallas: a very tough D, and I've heard Romo is the second coming of Christ. I guess I'll pick them if my jinxing powers are in effect.

9. Your sites, from the get-go, seemed to get tons of traffic and comments. A piece of advice to some smaller sites how to get prolific readership?

Well, it helps when a more heavily-trafficked site likes the work you do. For a couple months, we'd have (relatively) slow traffic days on KSK unless we got a link from Deadspin. And now that I write With Leather, I get help from GorillaMask, which links to my posts a couple times a week.

But writing a blog shouldn't be about getting linked to by a bigger site or feeling good because you got X number of page views or 10 or thirty or a hundred comments on a post. It should be about putting forth your best work with every post and consistently creating original, passionate content that people can't get anywhere else. That, I believe, is what will keep people coming back once they find a site.

10. What's the ultimate goal of running your sites?

I'm not entirely sure. I really enjoy blogging, and I take a lot of pride in the work that I do, but I don't want my blogs to be the end-all be-all of what I write. I moved to New York a little over two years ago with vague aspirations of being a writer. More specifically, my memoir about my experience in Kuwait and Iraq is sitting half-done, waiting for me to finish checking my email so I'll finally finish it. So I guess that's a specific goal: to write something that gets printed on real paper.

11. With Leather gets all sorts of strange, funny stories from the world of sports. Where the hell do you find these stories to fuel 8+ posts per day?

The very best things I get are from readers who send me tips; I get really incredible links from people who search out the oddest little nuggets on the Net. And I've learned to let myself wander around YouTube, where I've found some pretty good stuff. And of course -- it's the go-to place for sports rumors.

12. KSK was recently nominated for Best Sports Blog and may even win the damn thing. Cool feat or just some BS award?

Oh, both. Definitely both. It's funny because we're absolutely NOT the best sports blog. Friends of mine who aren't fans of the NFL but have gone to the site to see what I'm doing have no idea what the hell we're talking about. We post photos of cheerleaders and make up new words for parts of the human anatomy. Big Daddy Drew wrote an entire post about defecating into a Tupperware container and giving it as Christmas present to a kid he didn't like.

Which is precisely why I'd love for us to win. I think we'd have a lot of fun with it. We're probably the only blog that would inappropriately bathe in the extra attention and heap imagined glory upon ourselves. Sites like Deadspin and Baseball Musings offer readers worthwhile insight and information. We'll stick with the gay innuendo, thank you very much.

13. We'll get you outta here on this: who'd you rather do? Suzy Kolber or Bonnie Bernstein?

What, Siragusa's not an option?

I have to say Suzy, not because she's thick in the britches or because she's cuter, but because I'd feel like a traitor if I chose Bonnie. But who knows? Maybe a new generation of roughnecks can start a competing blog called Banging Bonnie Bernstein, and they'll feel differently.

(Past interviews: Dawizofodds).

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Next they'll bottle the smell of sulfur

Two NASCAR-related stories in two days? You're probably thinking we relocated from the city to the sticks, are drinking heavily again, and started sleeping with our cousin.

Only the last part is true. (Not really...that's sorta not OK, we're told).

Anyway, the creative fucks that call themselves the Elizabeth Arden marketing team have dug deep to come up with this staggering work of genius: Daytona 500 cologne.

The new fragrance for men -- which, turns out, debuted at this past Daytona 500 -- supposedly has a nice citrus aroma, according to Elizabeth Arden executive Ron Rolleston, who seemingly forgot he had a penis.

Citrus seems nice. Daytona, Florida-like. Many have made jokes already suggesting this should smell like gasoline, burning tires or beer. Not so sure the new scent -- which better be worn by NASCAR drivers -- will help get these gals, as they probably care for the smell of money over citrus anyway.

But yeah, next time you're at the track or wanna pick up a girl with one front tooth who calls her brother, "Dad," stop by your local department store and buy some Daytona 500 cologne. Hey, and with Christmas right around the bend, what better time to drop $30 so you or your loved one can wear the scent of the Daytona 500?

Looks like the Jersey Mafia got to the NFL Network

Great news coming from NFL Network headquarters (if such a thing exists).

Remember last week when Rutgers's devastating loss to West Virginia not only cost them a BCS bowl game but also a chance to be seen on TV when they landed in the Texas Bowl, televised by the NFL Network

Well, Rutgers is still in the Texas Bowl, so that stills sucks for them. But it appears now that folks on the East Coast will actually be able to watch their Scarlet Knights.

The NFL has offered one free week of its network programming to two cable TV operators who do not carry the channel in hopes of breaking a deadlock.

Commissioner Roger Goodell told The Associated Press on Tuesday that the week of Dec. 24-30 would be offered as a "free view" for customers of Cablevision and Time Warner Cable, two of the nation's largest cable carriers.

From what we hear, neither Cablevision nor Time Warner Cable ordinarily carry the NFL Network. Now the people who get one of these two providers will get to watch the NFL Network for a week.

Comcast is the monopolistic cable provider out here on the West Coast, and most Comcast subscribers get the NFL Network. Our question to you is: why the fuck is a college bowl game on an NFL-only station?

As for the man pictured? No idea. But he looks like he could be in the mafia, right? For the sake of everyone here, let's say yes. And let's give this man all the credit for "negotiating" with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to open the airwaves for a week.

The Milwaukee Bucks have discolored hard wood

We're like waaaay late on this story (as in since the start of the NBA season, this is outdated), but when watching the Sonics play the Bucks Tuesday (it was the only, and we mean only, sporting event on TV), we noticed that Milwaukee has a new court. And we can assume -- a rather safe assumption too -- that somebody was probably fired over the design of this one.

Who's to say why the area inside the three-point line is one color while outside of it is a darker shade? Though if we were to speculate, we'd probably suggest the designer was colorblind. The new court is about as attractive as Kirstie Alley on the "Donut, Pizza and Mayonnaise Diet."

Head over to the always-wonderful YAYsports! NBA for their thoughts on this -- a post that ran nearly two months ago. (Like we said, we're waaaay late on this)! They even have a fun version of the new court. And nearing Holiday time, nothing says Ho Ho Ho like the new Bucks court. (Nothing quite says, "hideous" either, but that's well beside the point).

In other news: Minnesota Vikings defensive backs coach Joe Woods was charged Tuesday with two counts of drunken driving after he was found partying on a boat with Fred Smoot.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Jimmie Johnson can't handle the truth

Monday, Deadspin was kind enough to share a tale of NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson falling out of a golf cart and breaking his wrist.

But later reports explain that perhaps Johnson's injury happened when he was "horsing around," rather than when the cart made a sharp turn, causing him to fall out. Said his spokeswoman (is "spokeswoman" a euphemism for "sex slave?") Kristine Curley:

"Jimmie was horsing around and was on top of the golf cart when he fell off. He wasn't trying to deceive anyone and is sorry if anyone believes he was being untruthful."

Does this story just scream Jeff Kent to anyone else? Remember back in 2002, Kent, then a member of the Giants, broke his thumb during Spring Training? He said the accident occurred while washing his truck. (What kind of uncoordinated bastard breaks his thumb while washing his car?) But later evidence leaned towards Kent getting hurt when he had a motorcycle accident -- a motorcyle he was forbidden to ride in his contract. (Cue the scary music).

Sure we kid here; breaking your wrist must suck. But next time Jimmie, rather than lying about the whole thing, just tell people you were dicking off. Or that you were drunk. Yeah, drunk. That'd work.

In other news: After Chicago demolished the Rams, St. Louis coach Scott Linehan admitted that he had no idea who Devin Hester was.

Monday, December 11, 2006

This ain't the 7th Floor Crew

Meet 108 Tongues. They're a Yale rap group and let's just say, um, they don't like Harvard.

Just prior to The Game between Yale and Harvard, 108 Tongues recorded the third version of their song, "Fuck Harvard," which can be heard here.

While a bunch of Yale students rapping is already basis for endless jokes, the lyrics in this year's version of "Fuck Harvard" are no laughing matter for the folks in Cambridge, Mass. According to The Harvard Crimson article:
"Eliot’s Students Assault Sexual Harassment (SASH) group met last night, focusing on a few infamous words in the song “Fuck Harvard 2006” that was released shortly before Saturday’s Harvard-Yale game: “I will rape you repeatedly and stain your linens crimson.”

While apologetic about any offense taken in response to their lyrics, members of the band, 108 Tongues, said the song was intended to amuse and entertain, rather than to cause harm."
Two things:

1. This song has certainly amused and entertained. Otherwise we wouldn't be writing about it.

2. If this SASH group is dwelling on that one line about rape, perhaps they should look at the bigger picture. Some other questionable lines:

"With thousands of pounds I got a mack 10/ Attackin' from the front and the sides/ With rims on my ride/ Riding up to Cambridge commitin' homicide."

Somewhere the boys in the 7th Floor Crew are laughing.

[Update: The gents over at We Are The Postmen have a nice take on this too.]

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

Break up the Cardinals. Arizona, winners last week over divisional foe St. Louis, let the Seattle Seahawks know not to mess with Green and the Cards, beating Seattle 27-21 Sunday. Arizona is now 4-9 with three of those wins coming against the NFC West. Think the division crown's in the bag do ya, Mike Holmgren. Just wait...

As for Green, well, he remains on safe ground. Last week he was given the Princess Level Ranking and he's heading in the right direction for the second straight week.

Let's call it the Count Level Ranking this week. What's a Count? Don't have the slightest clue. Though they did make a movie about some Count from Monte Cristo or something. If you're curious as to what a Count is, just read here.

After tireless research, we've come to the conclusion that a count is some form of a nobleman. We could see Green being a nobleman. We would much rather call him an earl...not really sure why, just would.

The Cardinals play on the field has been remotely noble lately. And Green, as the commander of the ship, seems to be righting the vessel in the right direction.

In other news: After throwing for nearly 400 yards and five touchdowns Sunday, Drew Brees' birthmark has seemingly disappeared.

Friday, December 08, 2006

You'd have to have a fat head to buy a Fathead

Show of hands: who watches ESPN News during the middle of the day? You in the corner, don't be shy.

Well, we do. (Our relationship with Steve Bunin and Michael Kim is borderline unhealthy). But we swear that The Hot List has only two sponsors: one is for some dick-hardening pill, while the other is for Fathead.

What's Fathead? Well, it's probably the stupidest fucking thing we've ever seen advertised or sold or created. Ever.

It's a player, a logo, a helmet...really whatever. And it's sticky on the back. So you peal it off and stick it on your wall -- a life-like wall covering, if you will. (Though Matt Leinart doesn't come with herpes).

Can you imagine having a giant replica of Ben Roethlisberger or Chad Johnson (their prime spokesmen) in your living room right next to the Marc Chagall?

We're just speculating here, but the company has gotta be losing money. With celebrity spokespersons and endless advertising, we imagine that these things must need to sell like fucking malt liquor in Compton circa 1990 to break even.

And at $150 a pop ($150 for a sticky version of Chad Johnson?!) who's buying these? Readers, if you are the owner of a Fathead, please let us know. We won't judge you. We really just want to know if anyone's buying these. (OK, we may judge you a little).

The company, seemingly doomed, did get smart and created cheerleader Fatheads. Now hornbags can presumably jerk off to a life-size version of your favorite Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

Hmm, that may make both sides of a Fathead sticky...

In other news: The San Francisco Giants resigned Barry Bonds for one year and gave a second-year option on his oversized head.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

The Big Picture Anniversay Spectacular Year-In-Review

The year was 2005, the date December 7th, and the time 8:44 pm. A man by the name of Zach Landres-Schnur, for the first time, hit the "Publish Post" button in his browser, and The Big Picture was born.

That fateful event was one year ago today. And in that year, we've seen this little blog grow. You've been there through the good times and the bad, through football, baseball, basketball, and everything in between, through guest writers and vacations, through the funny, the poignant, the sad, and the offensive. And we the contributors of The Big Picture would like to thank you for your loyalty. And we'd like to thank Zach for allowing us to be part of this blog that has allowed us to waste countless hours instead of doing our jobs or school work. So on this anniversary we'd like to look back at what made this past year so special.

And we now present to you, The Big Picture Anniversay Spectacular Year-In-Review:

Features: Since The Big Picture started, several features have been born. Some appear often, some rarely, but all of them are dear to us.

- Would you do...? Written by the first TBP contributor, Adam Landres-Schnur, Would you do...? has become one of the most popular features, often getting more comments than any other post. Erin Andrews and Melissa Stark are highly recommended, if you know what we mean.

- Who the fuck is...? Debuting with George Mason, Who the fuck is...? has investigated people you've never heard of, but are making news anyway.

- Hating Fox Sports. A sentiment it seems everyone who knows two shits about sports shares, TBP has been an outspoken critic of Fox Sports and the horrible coverage they provide of just about any sport they can get their hands on. We started talking shit about Tim McCarver and never looked back.

-To read today. This little feature appeared every time Zach felt like circle-jerking with the other sports bloggers out there. He'd put up a bunch of links to other blogs.

Topics Zach Loves: There are some things that Zach can't get enough of, and we're not talking about Milwaukee's Best or blondes with fake tits. We're talking about the the following:
-Marcus Vick
-The "Love Boat"
-Jenn Sterger
-Online Poker Rakeback (fucking sellout)

Other Highlights: Many other wonderful things have appeared on the site, and here's a quick list:
-The Norv Turner Update
-The Dennis Green Survival Rating
-Fake news (My favorite of which is this)
-Fun with pictures
-Made up conversations
-In Other News: Home of many of Zach's best one-liners
-Zach became famous and was picked up by SportsBlogs Nation and AOL

This is by no means a comprehensive list. If I didn't have a job, I might have been able to truly catalog all the wonderful content that's on this site, maybe even come up with a top ten posts list. But fortunately for me I do have a job, so this is all you're getting.

So thanks again Zach for putting so much of yourself into this blog. It's certainly made life more fun. Keep up the good work!

Comment Starter: If there were a top ten BP posts list, what would be on it?

Happy Fucking Birthday!

The naked woman will pop out in 3, 2, 1...

Yeah, it's our birthday! Today marks the one-year anniversary of The Big Picture and after 365 days of pure and utter crap, we're still going strong. (It's also Pearl Harbor Day. We find the coincidence sorta odd).

This site started as a way to keep our writing fresh in between columns at the UW paper, but has evolved into something that is far beyond just a hobby. Starting with about two and half readers, TBP has evolved in to a daily stop for a nice chunk of sports fans.

We're still writing and updating daily thanks to all of you. Your emails, comments, links, etc. are our motivation to keep doing this. While blogging has helped us pick up chicks (we tell them we own a website -- hey, it's true ya know), we're not exactly getting compensated for our time. It's the readers, commentors and funny ass stories in the world of sports that keep us going.

No presents necessary today, but if someone can arrange Jenn Sterger to jump out of that cake, that'd be pretty cool.

As we keep saying, if you like the site, that's awesome! We can't thank you enough.

If you don't like the site, well, that's cool and thanks for reading anyway, you fucking assholes. Love us or hate us, pass on this site to your friends, family, boss, the woman your boss is nailing on the side, her friends, your secratary, your legitimate (and illegitimate) children, and anyone you know who owns a computer.

Thanks again for everything, folks. And hey, it's a birthday party after all, so go have some cake and go pin the tail on the ass of that hot chick from Marketing!

Be sure to sign the birthday card.

(And a huge, giant high five to JMC, who threw us a big b-day bash in the post above!)

The top 40 sports figures of 2006

Our homie Mr. Irrelevant has put together a list of the most-talked-about sports figures from 2006. He asked about 50 bloggers (including us) to submit their top 10 most-covered figures from the past year.

It's a great list and we strongly encourage you to go check it out. Below is our submitted ballot and commentary that we emailed Mr. Irrelevant's way last week. Also, each sports figure is linked to our archives on that certain person (or horse).


1. Barbaro - Who thought a horse could be the butt of so many jokes? We had a letter from Barbaro, wrote a letter to Babs in the hospital, and had more glue jokes than you'd expect from a sports blog. When lacking a story to write, hey, just check in with Barbaro. It's bound to get a laugh.

2. Joe Buck - The only thing positve we wrote about Mr. Buck was that we said a nice word about his father. Yeah, that's it. If a sports blog could have a villain, Buck would be ours.

3. Jenn Sterger (Cowgirl) - The quickest way to get an SI column? Skimpy clothes and plastic surgery. Sterger's Mailbag at SI On Campus led to plenty of fictional letters to her. But hey, she went to Florida State and knows that a football field is 100 yards. Those credentials speak for themselves.

4. Norv Turner - When Norv was the coach of the Raiders, we started a Norv Turner Update, letting readers know that he still, somehow, had a job. When he was fired from Oakland, it was a sad, sad day. But his hiring across the bay in SF was a joyous occasion. It's not so much that we ripped Norv, we like to think of it has employment information.

5. Dennis Green - DENNIS GREEN IS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS! That is a mediocre-to-bad coach who couldn't un-sink the Arizona Cardinals' ship. And Green's press conference? Let's just say it was like a train wreck: we couldn't turn away. His humorous, yet pathetic news conference and inevitable firing has led to a weekly post at The Big Picture called The Dennis Green Survival Rating.

6. "True" Ramonce Taylor - The former Texas running back got busted by cops at a pecan farm and possessed five pounds of marijuana. He's been a running joke for anything drug- or pecan-related.

7. The Mexicos - Michael and Marcus Vick, if only people knew the truth. We had all sorts of fun with Michael, err..., Ron and then with Lil'Mexico stomping on someone's leg and then pulling a gun on some teens at a the local Mickey D's. The wonderful has a feature where you can type in a name -- we did our name and some famous athletes -- and you get your Ron Mexico-like alias. Great stuff. Just like Mike and Marcus Vick.

8. Erin Andrews - Our signature feature is "Would you do..." where we pick a female sportscaster or sideline reporter and evaluate whether or not readers may like to, well, do her. Andrews has been the most popular and has led to other coverage of her and her reportings. She's hot and knows sports. What's not to like?

9. Bode Miller - The big drinking, big partying, big losing skier got plenty of attention during the Olympics. Miller said some strange things, had a poor showing in the 2006 Winter Games, and then signed a one-day contract with a baseball team as some promotion. Ugh, Miller wouldn't exactly be our first choice as a publicity stunt. Unless it was for tequila, of course.

10. Ricky Williams - We touched on Williams plenty of times, though we don't think we once mentioned him actually playing football. That says it all about our grass-loving friend.

TO wasn't listening in Mr. Parcell's class

Word has it that Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells said some pretty motivational/important shit the other day about what it takes to win a championship.

But Terrell Owens, who has never won a championship -- well, maybe in high school. Or flag football. Or on Madden '06. But never where it really counts. -- wasn't listening. Said Owens:
"The championship speech? I must have went to sleep on that one. I can't remember. I had my mind on the party. I have no earthly idea of what you are possibly talking about. I don't remember. I was already in L.A. ... He'll have to redo it."
This, Terrell, is what we call daydreaming. We know you were excited about your party and all. Sounds like it was fun. But the number one rule of daydreaming is don't get caught.

Terrell, you dumb fuck, you got caught. Openly admitting you weren't listening is a weakness. When we would daydream in school, and the teacher would call on us, we would:

1. Give the "dear in headlights" look
2. Come up with a generic answer, like, "The author makes a good point there."

TO needs to take a class on dicking off. Will there be repercussions for Owens the Party Animal? If we were Parcells, we'd probably squash TO's nuts with a mortar and pestle. But expect the player and coach just to laugh this one off.

In other news: The Chicago White Sox traded pitcher Freddy Garcia to the Phillies for pitcher Gavin Floyd and an unlimited supply of Philly cheese steaks.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Blogger Interviews: The Wonderful Wizard of Odds

We're starting a new segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

And who better to kick off this feature than our pal Dawizofodds? He runs the great college football site, The Wizard of Odds, "A College Football Site for Winners," and has a wealth of knowledge for the college game. Strap on those seatbelts...

1. The rundown:

Name: Dawizofodds
Age: Classified
Location: Parts Unknown
Occupation: Journalist
Favorite pro or college team: Temple. Or maybe Duke. Actually, I'm a huge Buffalo Bulls fan. OK, throw Stanford in the mix, or Florida International (is this a football team or an airport?) ... Any team that is a big loser. I love losers because without losers there wouldn't be winners. Losers make better stories. There's nothing quite like covering one, especially when it all starts to unravel. Those are moments to cherish.
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5): I've had over 1,500, so this is tough. In the past month:
-The brilliant move by Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema that exploited the stupid 3-2-5-e rule designed to shorten games.
-Butt, (cq) how can you not like Erin Andrews?
-A streaker at a Montana game.
- A USC Song Girl celebrating after Texas scored in the Rose Bowl.
-Plus all the 3-2-5-e stuff that put the site ahead of the curve and the recent coverage of coaching moves.
Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere?
Too much. Too much. Am considering detox. In fact, two men with a straitjacket just knocked on my door.

2. Take us through a typical day of blogging for you.

A typical "day" starts at 1 a.m. I put on the vampire garb and start surfing. Currently, I put in 3-4 hours a night or as long as I can go. The idea is to be the first site with all the news.

3. The Wizard of Odds is so good at finding the underreported story. How do you do it?

First, I watch a ton of football. In fact, you know that computer-generated yellow first-down line? The other day I got up from the sofa while watching games and saw that line as I walked to the kitchen. ... The other trick is volume. I try to process between 150-200 sites a night on my trusty PowerBook. If it weren't for scripting, spiders and a few other tricks, I would not be able to do this. That said, the best stories come from tips I get from readers. I can't say enough good things about the knowledgeable people who frequent the site. Put it all together and it comes down to news judgment.

4. Florida, jumps Michigan. Controversy infiltrates the BCS again. We're not going to put you on the spot by asking who you think is more deserving. Better, are you happy about the controversy or did the BCS system actually work?

I'm not necessarily a fan of the BCS system, but it works in one regard: It creates controversy, and this is a good thing for college football. For example, if we had an eight-team playoff, would we be arguing over who is the more deserving No. 8 team?

What I am a fan of is moving the bowl games after Jan. 1. Crazy? Just try to book a flight right now for your team. It's expensive, for one, plus having the bowls during the holidays disrupt many a family gathering. And besides, after spending the holidays with relatives, many of us are ready for a vacation...

5. Dream job? Go.

I already have a dream job, but am open to new challenges. :-)

6. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few of your favorites?

What I look for in a blog: Daily postings, with information I can't get elsewhere. Clear, crisp and clean writing. Perspective is important. Opinionated. Educational and entertaining. As for favorites, any blog that meets the above criteria will draw my interest.

7. What's your ultimate goal at The Wizard of Odds?

Continue what I am doing and hopefully became a destination point for college football fans. I'm a big fan of Jim Romenesko's site and in a way, the Wiz of Odds has become the Romenesko of college football. I have a gazillion ideas for the site but only so much time.

8. It's August 29, 2005. Do you just roll out of bed that morning and say, "I'm feeling a bit saucy today. You know what, I'm gonna go start a blog. Fuck yeah!"? Or did starting your site play out a bit differently?

The idea was to do a podcast and blog, but I found out that doing the blog right took considerable effort and time and the podcast never got started. The site did help in getting a gig on "Sports Overnight America, Saturday Edition" on Sports Byline USA, available on Sirius 122, over the Internet, affiliates and Armed Forces Network. Shameless plug: Tune in around 11:30 p.m. (Pacific) on Friday. You could say the radio gig has become the podcast.

9. How did you build your readership and establish The Wizard of Odds as a daily stop for many readers?

Will at Deadspin loves the site and has been a tremendous help. Links on Deadspin helped bring exposure to The Wiz and it became a daily stop for football writers who in turn spread the word. Bottom line is that it takes time to build readership.

10. Most rewarding thing about blogging/your site? Most frustrating?

Rewarding? The learning experience and the network that has been built. I'm amazed at the contacts I have in a short time. Frustrating? Frequent problems with Blogger. I'm planning to switch the site in the offseason to an independent platform and urge everybody to use the following URL, as that will carry over:

11. We'll get you outta here on this: Biggest joke this college football season: John L. Smith, the Miami football program, or something else?

John L. Smith, while certainly entertaining, could not top the antics of Nevada Las Vegas coach Mike Sanford, who went nuts after the loss at Iowa State. You can watch the video here.

And Mike Valenti's meltdown on Detroit's XYT.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Dirtiest names in sports

We're not big on lists around here -- mainly because we can never come up with enough to make a round number, like 10 -- but this one was too good to pass up. Via the site Flumesday (whatever it is that they do over there) comes the names of the gentlemen you would naturally think were just a joke. It's not a joke. But some of these athletes are.

Here's their list, with our commentary.

10. Gregor Fucka - The Italian basketball player calls his mom, Mother Fucka.

9. B.J. Johnson - His play hasn't exactly gotten him ahead. (Or any head).

8. Peter LaCock - He played baseball for Kansas City, making him a Royal LaCock.

7. Danny Shittu - He's Nigerian, he plays soccer and he's Shittu, not shitty.

6. Harry Colon - This Lion really was a Harry Colon.

5. Lucious Pusey - Deadspin was all over this one, but there's not much of a joke to make about this one. Just look at his fucking name!

4. Dick Pole - The former San Francisco pitching coach was a Giant Dick Pole.

3. Dean Windass -- Bet he's friends with Danny Shittu.

2. Misty Hyman - She's a U.S. Olympic swimmer and we bet Hyman broke all sorts of records.

1. Rusty Kuntz - You've gotta be fuckin' kidding?! Kunzt has brilliant parents. Just brilliant.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

What have we here? The Cardinals won?! On the road?! Against the Rams?! Strange, indeed. Arizona beat St. Louis 34-20, keeping Green's ass cool for another week.

The win couldn't have been the work of Edgerrin James, who's at the top of our list of "people single-handedly fucking our fantasy team." While James had a decent game yardage wise, it was his counterpart, Marcel Shipp, who was scoring on (and probably off) the field.

And thanks to Marcel, Green's proverbial ship is still afloat.

Green, who was pushed all the way to the brink last weekend, getting a Queen Level Ranking, has settled down this week with the nice win. He's moving in the right direction as he gets the Princess Level Ranking this time around.

But Green is no Princess Leia. Leia is at the top of the Princess hierarchy as the sexy bitch has every guy rocking with that get-up she wore when chillin' with Jabba the Hutt. He's more of a Princess Padme, who's rigid and falls in love with the Dark Side.

While Green's sitting pretty (or prettier) this week, he's not out of the woods yet.

In other news: The Eagles beat the Panthers 27-24 Monday, as Philadelphia QB Jeff Garcia outed Carolina's defense.

Monday, December 04, 2006

It's Ohio State and Florida; controversy on red alert

We're just guessing here, but we imagine that Ann Arbor, Mich. looks something like this right now.

After Florida leapfrogged Michigan in the polls, Florida will play Ohio State for the BCS Championship, while the Wolverines will take their anger, rage and potential rioting to the Rose Bowl.

Here's what the fans are saying.

From our favorite Michigan blog, The M Zone:
"It's not just fucked up because choosing a championship game entry essentially comes down to being a beauty pageant.

It's not just fucked up because coaches have to act like politicians to get their teams into the championship game.

It's not just fucked up because people actually think they can accurately judge who's better between Florida and Michigan.

It's not just fucked up because when explaining this system to your mom you have no answer for when she asks "Why don't they just do it like every other sport?"

The most fucked up thing about the way Division I college football crowns their champion is that it allows the coach of one of the championship game teams to actually influence who his team is going to play."
From Brian at MGO Blog:
"It's over. I'm pissed."
But it's not all bad news in the blog world. The fellas at EDSBS -- who love the Gators the way the man loves a woman -- are at a loss for words.
We're not going to leave our personal thoughts about Florida playing in the title game over Michigan. Better to just stay out of this one. Though we are thrilled to see more horrible controversy in a system that was destined for failure from the get-go. We're one step closer to a playoff.

But feel free to leave your thoughts, justifications, or words of anger in the comments.

To sum up all the controversy that has become inevitable in the BCS Age, here's The Wizard of Odds to put it all in perspective.
"The system designed to take politics out of college football is coming down to — you guessed it — politics."

This, folks, is what you call a blowout

You know how when you used to play NCAA Basketball '98 for Playstation I and be Xavier, you could score like 50 points with James Posey? OK, so you don't. That's cool.

But Lincoln University, the latest team on the D-III national radar, confused Ohio State Marion for the Playstation computer Saturday, as Sami Wylie scored 69 (!!) points to lead the Lions in a 201-78 rape, pillage and burning of Salem, West Virginia (the game's location -- we hear Salem, think of witches and get to the pillage and burning analogy. Good times).

Yeah, Lincoln U (the ever-mighty Lincoln U) won a college basketball game by 123 points and scored 201! We, for one, can't count that high. And we certainly have no idea how a college team drops 201 points in a 40-minute game.

Here's one explanation: Marion had just six players in uniform and the report does not mention as to whether those six were men, women, children, apes, the Generals or G-I Joe action figures.

Another is Wylie, who hit 21 3-pointers. That, we're told, is some sort of D-III record, and don't know exactly what to make of it besides that.

Though we suppose the reality is that the Lions' pressing defense forced enough turnovers that they somehow averaged 5.025 points a minute.

And to think Lincoln lost it's game Friday night (they scored a wimpy 79, by the way). Guess coach Garfield Yuille knows how to rally his team.

We don't know if James Posey was somehow involved in this game, but he probably wasn't, and we should really stop playing video games from 1998.

Rob Bironas would like to tell the Mannings to burn in hell

After Music City Miracle #2 last week, when the Titans staged an epic comeback to stun the New York Giants with a game-winning field goal by Rob Bironas (who the fuck is Rob Bironas?!), the fun should have stopped there.

Tennessee was up against a daunting Indianapolis Colts team Sunday and again were faced with a double-digit deficit. But again, the Titans used a titanic-sized comeback, and game-winning 60-yard field goal to beat the Colts, 20-17.

The common tie here? The quarterbacks for both losing teams go by the name Manning. It's not like Eli (Giants) and Peyton (Colts) exactly cost their respective team the game, but both took crushing losses to a mediocre Tennessee club in back-to-back weeks.

Said Bironas about his franchise-long 60-yarder:
"I needed that wind behind me today. It was all at my back ... I let the wind take it the rest of the way. Oh, and Eli and Peyton can go suck a dick."
That last part we made up, but you get the point. Two star QBs, two consecutive weeks, two gut-busting losses. Manning-haters (NFL Adam, we're looking your way), aim your "thank you's" in the direction of Mr. Bironas.

In other news: Florida Gators fans have jumped in a tub of bittersweet chocolate after the Gators earned a BCS Championship Game berth, but lost in basketball to Florida State.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Pete Carroll to coach Arizona?

Carroll, intrigued by the Arizona job, is also intrigued by the USC Song Girls

Matt Leinart, quarterback, father, and party animal, now has insider information too. According to The Arizona Republic, Leinart said he wouldn't be surprised to see Carroll make the jump from the college ranks to the NFL.

"The Cardinals reportedly are interested in hiring Carroll should Dennis Green be fired at the end of the season. Carroll, according to sources, is intrigued with the Cardinals job."

Get right the fuck outta town. Dennis Green may be fired?! How could that be?

As for Carroll bolting to the NFL, don't think so. Sure, he may be intrigued by the job. But he's also likely intrigued when his wife mentions having a menage-a-trois. Hey, if he reunites with Leinart maybe he could be like the fun non-related "uncle" to Matthew's kid, Cole.

Though leaving USC seems far-fetched at the least. He's got a great thing going in LA and if Sweet Pete watched TV on Sundays, he'd know that the Cardinals' ship sunk long ago.

Could he restore the Cardinals with a solid core in place? Maybe, but why even try? Money isn't exactly an issue as he's built an empire at USC. And if you recall, Carroll's coached in the NFL before, a stint about as successful as Pauly Shore's career.

Look for Carroll back on the sidelines in the Los Angeles Coliseum next season. But thanks to Matt Leinart, we now know that Arizona may be an option.

Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' like a brand new stolen Xbox

Brotherly love is a great thing. Especially around Holiday Time. Families mesh, spend countless hours with each other, and drink eggnog with their regularly scheduled rum or whiskey.

But the holidays mean something different for the Ikegwuonu twins. Jack, a corner for Wisconsin, and brother William, a safety at Northern Illinois have been accused of breaking into an off-campus apartment in DeKalb, Ill. and trying to steal an Xbox game console.

As a twin, you'd expect us to know what these guys were thinking, right? Well, sorta.

We can assume that Jack's the mischievous one -- call it a hunch -- and forced William to tag along when he pulled off the theft. But of all things to steal, just an Xbox?

They didn't think to get some money, cook-ware or a new tube of toothpaste? Nah, straight for the video games.

Had the twins not had their party broken up by the police, wonder who the recipient of the game console would've been.

Our guess is Barry Alvarez. Just cuz.

The photo, coincidentally, is of Jack, ironically on the cover of NCAA '07 for Xbox. Maybe a copy of the game is what he was really after.