Thursday, December 15, 2005

NFL's bad side vs. NFL's loud side

Michael Irvin's recent arrest that got him suspended from ESPN for a week, coupled with charges against passengers of the SS Love Boat on Lake Minnetonka, confirmed my previous belief that not all athletes are role models.

Too bad.

But they sure do make for entertaining games and stories.

Then there are those players who don't have run ins with the law -- just with the NFL -- as they are constantly fined for their ludicrous behavior. Endzone dancing, unnecessary hits...the list goes on. But, again, these talkers and bad boys also make for entertaining games and stories.

So what if there was a game between the Jailbirds and the Loudmouths? It would make for a helluva Sunday. Here's how it might play out:

The rosters:


QB: Adrian McPherson, Saints - theft; forgery; gambling; passing bad checks
QB: Daunte Culpepper, Vikings - Love Boat passenger
RB: Jamal Lewis, Ravens - drug conspiracy and attempt to possess cocaine
RB: Moe Williams, Vikings - (see Culpepper)
WR: Michael Irvin, Cowboys - cocaine possession
WR: Rae Carruth, Panthers - conspiracy to commit murder
WR: Koren Robinson, Vikings - served a day in jail for DUI and apparently went smelling of booze
TE: Mark Chmura, Packers - acquitted of charge that he had sex with his 17-year-old baby sitter
OL: Nate Newton, Cowboys - conspiracy to drive a load of marijuana for sale and distribution
OL: Barret Robbins, Raiders - attempted murder; marijuana possession
LB: Ray Lewis, Ravens - obstruction of justice; (murder charges dropped)
DB: Fred Smoot, Vikings - organizer of SS Love Boat
DB: Adam "Pacman" Jones, Titans - arrested for assault and felony vandalism in a Nashville club


QB: Eli Manning, Giants - suck it up and play for the team who wants you -- not who you want
QB: Joe Namath, Jets - history of alcohol problems and was very eager to kiss ESPN's Suzy Kolber
RB: Ricky Williams, Dolphins - retired for a year and took a road trip with Cheech and Chong
WR: Terrell Owens, Eagles(?) - pom poms, Sharpie, dancing...oh, and bad-mouthed his team
WR: Chad Johnson, Bengals - mouth runs faster than he does; but recently engaged to cheerleader
WR: Randy Moss, Raiders - the moon was shining extra bright one evening in Green Bay
WR: Joe Horn, Saints - endzone cell-ebration
WR: Keyshawn Johnson - he just wanted the ball
TE: Jeremy Shockey, Giants - brings whole new meaning to the word "arrogant"
LB: Bill Romanowski, Broncos - the guy is dirtier than the passengers of the Love Boat...oh, and he's more juiced than Tropicana

The recap:

The Jailbirds, with only three defensive players, have a tough time stopping the Loudmouths' five receivers, and the 'Mouths roll to a 38-14 win. The halftime show featured the cast from the original Love Boat and Janet Jackson.

In other news: The man behind the denigrating remarks about Donovan McNabb was not actually NAACP Philadelphia chapter president J. Whyatt Mondesire, but rather on-air personality Rush Limbaugh.

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