Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Wayne Gretzky is 'Takin' Care of Business'

(Click for larger view)

Sometimes a gift just falls in your lap. Maybe it's karma. Maybe it's because it's Wednesday. Who really knows?

But that tough-to-see image is Wayne Gretzky's playlist, courtesy of Coyotes Trax. What is Coyotes Trax? We better let them explain.

With "Coyotes Trax," you can purchase your favorite Coyotes players' entire playlist, or individual songs at the iTunes Store ( You can also enjoy a wide range of music including songs which get players pumped in the locker room as well as the music they enjoy away from the rink.

We're the least bit surprised the Great One listens to Bachman-Turner Overdrive. "Takin' Care of Business" fucking kills.

Though Gretzky having a Sarah McLachlan song on his playlist definitely threw us for a loop.

Beware of dog

"Man's best friend" no longer.
A hunter is recovering after he was shot in the leg at close range by his dog, who stepped on his shotgun and tripped the trigger, an official said Tuesday.

No one else was hurt, and the dog was not injured.
Sounds like an accident, right? Wrong. Dead fucking wrong.

Michael Vick has pissed off dogs everywhere and now the entire canine community is turning on humans.

No longer are dogs cute, cuddly house pets. They're fucking hunters.

Thank you, Michael Vick. Dog lovers will forever live in fear...

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Halloween Costumes

Tomorrow's Halloween and creativity is running low. We're considering going out wearing jeans and a shirt and saying we're dressed as Brad Pitt, but we don't think that'll fly. Going as Barbaro might not work either.

So, we need some help. Any good ideas out there? A past favorite of ours is putting on a UW Huskies football t-shirt and then putting a bag over head like those two upset Bengals fans.

But help. Please. Bonus points for sports-related costumes. Your creativity in the comments.

And since we're talking costumes, we highly suggest you go back and check out last year's post at The M Zone. Fantastic.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Patriots cross the line; and other cheap thoughts without much thought

Bill Belichick and the Patriots pushed us further than we've been pushed in a while. We can't remember the last time a game with no direct ties to our rooting interests bothered us so much. Sure, there were some fantasy football implications (which, lately, has been the cause of instant anger), but this time it was beyond that.

The Pats, late in a rout, were showing no signs of sportsmanship, no signs of remorse, no signs of fucking humanity. They were disrespecting a good team with a better coach. They saw the line, laughed, and crossed it by a fucking mile.

The Pats shouldn't have had Brady in at the start of the fourth quarter. Up 38-0, they certainly shouldn't have had him passing. Then, on fourth and one, you kick the fucking field goal. And once you convert said fourth down they shouldn't have been attempting in the first place, do not keep passing. Fucking ridiculous.

New England then went for it again on fourth down, up 45-0. Forty five to fucking nothing! Call the Mercy Rule or something. And even with Brady out, the Pats were still throwing the ball. We don't give a fuck if they wanted to give the backup work. Run the ball up the middle for three plays and then punt the ball. Anything else is bullshit. Motherfucking, ass-raping bullshit.

In college, where running up the score actually matters for something, you won't see coaches passing up by 40 points. Those collegiate coaches certainly wouldn't go for it on fourth down.

We kept watching, glued to the TV expecting something big to happen. New England's antics were the type that would result in the 'Skins starting a brawl. Seriously. We were waiting for a cheap shot, late hit, helmet-to-helmet. Something. We were curious if Gibbs would still have enough class to shake Belichick's hand after the game. (He did, quickly).

You know -- you just fucking know -- that those cock-sucking Boston fans were rooting for the Pats to run it up too. They wanted 100. There probably wasn't one person in the state of Massachusetts who was thinking that Belichick was taking this one too far.

The statement was made by halftime. When the game was really out of hand late in the third, put in the backups, call dives, off-tackles and fucking QB kneels.

We're very disappointed, and that's not a common emotion of ours. Usually it's as simple as happy, angry or horny. But this went too far. The Patriots used to be a classy organization. Now they're callous assholes who couldn't tell sportsmanship from arrogance.

Fuck you Mr. Belichick. You should be ashamed. May you get hit by a car. Scratch that. Bus. A big fucking bus.

(Here's an article by our former colleague Les Carpenter, now with the Washington Post [Registration required, but do it. It takes 30 seconds and it's worth it]. It hints at what we feel, though most of the players and Gibbs gave the quotes you'd expect, and blamed themselves more than anything).


-The lady pictured is British hottie Keely Hazell. After watching the National Football League from London, it's clear that there is only one attractive person in all of England.

-Tony Siragusa's meat of the day: salami.

-Be honest. You thought Cleo Lemon was white.

-Two teams heading in the right direction: Saints and Chargers. Looks like natural disasters can have their positive effects, after all.

-Did David Carr start hanging out in San Francisco's Castro District? That long hair and glove has Lance Bass wet.

-Shannon Sharpe said 11 words clearly during halftime off the Colts-Panthers game. Last week: nine.

-That fucking obnoxious FOX robot? Really Terry Bradshaw.

-Oh, the 49ers have seemingly forgot how to play football. Young Alex Smith and David Carr would be a cute couple.

-With the Pats up by 600, we're still at Gillette Stadium. And while Jacksonville-Tampa is the only legit game going and it's on CBS, you'd think that FOX would at least mention that there is competitive football being played Sunday.

-Vinny Testaverde joke of the day (no, not his stats or us foolishly starting him in one fantasy league): Testaverde hurt, Panthers turn to "Western" medicine.

-At a dinner party next week, when Bob Griese is asked how his son is, he'll reply, "what son?"

-Willie Parker, after multiple 100-yard-no-TD games, has decided that scoring is cool too and got in the endzone. Elsewhere, man walks on moon.

-Were the Brits booing the Giants taking a knee or Eli Manning throwing for 58 yards?

-Seen the movie Smoking Aces? The day a hit is put out for Brady or Belichick the same way it is for Buddy Israel, rain drops will turn to fucking jelly beans.

-We didn't see pictures from the Minnesota-Philly game, but word has it that Kelly Holcomb was playing, so we'll just assume an Eagles win and 78 carries for Adrian Peterson.

Holy Shit!

Trinity College (San Antonio) sure knows how to lateral -- it led to a 28-24 win on the last play of their D-III win over Millsaps (Jackson, Miss.)

You just know Millsaps fans went home and stared at two things: a.) an empty glass of Scotch and b.) the barrel of a gun.


More, accurate, actual information at your home for college football, The Wizard of Odds.

Blah blah blah...Red Sox win...Blah blah blah

One silver lining: those fuckhead Sox fans didn't get to see the celebration at Fenway.

Congratulations to the World Champion 2007 Boston Red Sox. Thanks for ending the MLB season on a bad note for just about every one outside of New England.

As for the goggles, well, that's one redeeming quality. Awesome! They remind us of the guy in the back left of this photo.

Joe Buck is exciting

Burly Sports comes up with this great video of what certain historic sporting events might sound like if they're dusted with the monotone of Joe Buck.

Buck, a personal favorite or ours, never quite learned the use of voice inflexion. But monotone is good. As is cauliflower, BET and high cholesterol.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Fuck Boston, Part Deux

By request from readers John and Josh...

Fuck the Red Sox.

Game 2 can go eat an asshole. We don't care that Curt Schilling still plays baseball or that Matt Holiday got caught leaning. Sox fans can wipe their pansy-ass smiles off their faces and learn how to fucking talk right.

Fuck Boston College.

Was Doug Fluke-ie playing QB for the Eagles Thursday? This is not good for the purity of college football. Or maybe it is. You know there'll be hell to pay if BC and Ohio State are playing for a National Championship. Meanwhile, No. 32 loves the cock.

Fuck onside kicks

Fuck spelling "calendar" wrong.

Fuck Ben Affleck

Fuck the River Dance

Fuck chowder

Fuck Samuel Adams Boston lager

Fuck those alcoholics who order Sam Adams in the commercial.

Fuck Haaar-vad

Fuck Fleet Bank

Fuck KG

Fuck Bunker Hill

Fuck Aerosmith

An interview with author Steve Reilly

A few weeks back, our people were contacted by Steve Reilly's people about setting up an interview at this site. Since we usually approach others about an interview and the Reilly Party thought high enough of this blog to approach us, we welcomed a Q&A.

The Fat Lady Never Sings is about a high school baseball team that makes up for a disappointing year on the football field. If you like sports, high school and things that involve sports and high school, this book is for you. If you don't like those things, this book is still for you.

Reilly has spent the last 20 years as an assistant high school baseball coach in Connecticut. He lives in Seymour, Conn. where he has spent the last 10 years coaching. You can buy your copy of The Fat Lady Never Sings
here. If you don't? Your penis might fall off.

1. Steve, take us through a typical day of writing, if such a thing exists.

I haven’t had a typical day of writing yet. The first draft of The Fat Lady Never Sings was written on nights and weekends and whenever else I could sneak time in at my office computer or my laptop. My numerous rewrites post a professional critique, a professional full edit and a professional proofread were done during lunchtime at a local Subway restaurant (which resulted in my clothes usually reeking of baked hearty Italian or parmesan oregano bread), and at home at night on my laptop. I made great use of thumb drives. Sometimes, I had pulled an Al Bundy and retreated to the bathroom to review and rewrite draft pages clipped to a cheap clipboard.

Most of my writing about the book (including the blog tour I’m currently on), as well creation and development of the book’s website and my MySpace account, is done either at night or on weekends unless I can sneak a few minutes in during the day.

2. You're a high school baseball coach and also an author. How do you juggle the two?

You mean, how do I juggle all three? I am also a lawyer with a solo practice.

During baseball season, my life’s really imbalanced. Before the spring season starts, I try the best I can to maneuver my law schedule to have mostly early day and night appointments and Court matters after the spring season ends. During the spring season, I get up, go to my office, work my tail off. At about 1:45 p.m. I change out of my suit as fast as I can, put on sweats and sneaks and my baseball cap (unless it’s a game day where I throw on the uniform), jump in my car and head out for our field or our opponent’s field. If I’m not late, I’m sometimes lucky enough to stop for some coffee or bottles of Snapple and some Bazooka Joe or Big League Chew to get me through wacking fly balls, ground balls and pitching batting practice. After practice or a game, I drive back to the office where I meet my wife and then we go out for dinner, followed by my return to the office to work or meet clients. Sometime around midnight I finally go home and watch Yes Channel reruns.

If I’m lucky enough to not have any work to catch up on and my wife doesn’t either (she’s the Executive Director of a local YMCA) we also take in a movie. I’ve been lucky to have a very supportive wife. It may sound strange, but although its hectic during a baseball season, I actually relax more. During the games or practice, I’m able to concentrate on what’s happening and not worry about the stress of practicing law. The diamond never changes. That’s one of the great things about baseball, it’s timeless.

3. What was the process like, not only writing a book, but publishing, marketing, etc. Tell us about the entire process.

After I decided to write the book, I mulled over an outline for a few weeks. At the same time, I starting reading every book and magazine I could get my hand on about writing. The book On Writing Well by William Zinsser was probably the first. Its one of the classic guides on writing non-fiction. It has a chapter in it about sports writing. Almost every issue of Writers Digest and The Writer has something helpful in it. I also downloaded Nick Daws e-book Write Any Book In Under 28 Days; it was helpful. Take a look at his synopsis of the e-book here and you’ll see what I mean. ( No, I’m not a reseller). I played with the outline trying to see how the story might sound from different starting points and different points of view. One weekend, my wife had to go to a YMCA conference in Albany so I decided it was a good time as any to start the book. Once I started, I couldn’t stop.

It took me about six to seven weeks to write the first draft. I sent the manuscript to a professional editor in Washington state and asked him to critique it. After I got back his critique, I asked him to give me a more in-depth critique which goes chapter by chapter. It was then that I learned the difference between a critique, a full edit and a line by line proofread. (Industry lingo, which if I had fully understood before jumping into publishing might have saved me some cash). My editor was very adept at not discouraging me while at the same time offering very insightful as well as constructive criticism. Critiques and edits can take months to complete. I had three goals for the book. The first was to get the book out by the 15th anniversary of the season I was writing about. The second, was to get the book out before I turned 50 (just a life goal I guess) and the third was to get the book published before the World Series began last year because I felt that once the World Series was over, no one was going to care about baseball anymore and the launch of the book would most likely have to be delayed. Fortunately, my editor was not insulted by a cash offer to complete his full critique faster.

While I was awaiting for the full critique, I started reading everything I could about the publishing field and its inherent delays as well as other options. I decided -- after having it critiqued by the first editor -- to publish it through iUniverse, where, after an additional full edit, a professional proofread and some prodding by myself to have the book out before the World Series, it came out on October 2, 2006. After that, it ended up being an Editor’s Choice, Reader’s Choice and Publisher’s Choice Book of iUniverse and was a finalist in’s 2006 Indie Excellence book contest.

As for the marketing aspect, I think the biggest challenge any author faces is to get someone to actually buy their book. People will read my book, tell me they love it, but then tell me they got it from somebody else and are passing it on to someone else. I think people love to read books; stories are what life is all about. They just don’t want to pay for them. You know what I’m talking about. Go into any Barnes and Noble or Borders any day of the week and its like a library with benefits. You can talk all you want and sit and read, at least until the store starts to experiment and slowly pull away the chairs without any music to see how it affects sales.
I’m just as guilty. I went to a Barnes and Noble last night and thumbed through about ten magazines and about ten books, (after checking my book out -- I just can’t help it) but at least I bought two magazines albeit with my wife’s discount card.

What most people don’t realize is that unless your somebody like John Grisham, or a celebrity, the marketing is mostly done by the author. Whether or not your book sells is up to you. It won’t sell itself. So after reading several books on book marketing ( the best is John Kramer’s book 1001 Ways to Market Your Book), I started on a campaign to get book reviews posted on, online interviews and radio and Internet radio interviews and advertised on a great Connecticut Internet sports radio site: where this past summer I was a commentator for them on broadcasts of American legion baseball games. I created a web site through a company called and also created a MySpace site.

I had book discussions at the public and a private library in Derby where I was able to have many of the characters of the book show up and converse with readers and also gave talks at Derby High. I contacted the local Rotary Clubs and they were very receptive to allowing me to speak and get a free lunch. I consigned the book at a local Sports store (mentioned in the book), a hospital gift shop, a train station coffee shop, a local newspaper stop (mentioned in the book), and a Hallmark card shop. I sent an advance copy of the book to a local newspaper who ran a column about it and helped publicize my speaking engagements.

In addition, since iUniverse has an affiliation with Barnes and Noble, I was able to get the book into three local Barnes and Noble stores. I also had bookmarks professionally printed up which I left at libraries and printed up postcards myself and sent them out to everybody I thought might be interested in the book. I also printed up business cards for the book which I passed out and put into my bills payment envelopes and stuck them on every info board I could find in the surrounding area.

I purchased a giant baseball glove from a company called Akadema (it’s the same company that produces Manny Ramirez’s glove) and I use it as a prop at all my events. It’s an instant conversation piece to lead into the subject of the book. I just got back from “The Big E,” the largest fair in New England. I was one of the featured authors in the Connecticut Author’s and Publisher’s bookstore in the Connecticut Building. I met hundreds of people, many of whom loved baseball, pitched my book, allowed many of them or their kids to have a picture taken with the gigantic Akadema glove, talked to them about how Jason Giambi of the Yankees could use it or how the Red Sox catcher could snag Tim Wakefield’s knuckleball easier with it, five hours only sold four books. To sell those four books was a challenge.

From everything I’ve read and learned about writing and publishing, it seems as if the secret is to get the book published in New York but market it in Hollywood. If you can get a celebrity to endorse it, any celebrity, even My Life on the D-list Kathy Griffin, I believe your book will outsell over ninety percent of them out there.

4. Why write The Fat Lady Never Sings nearly 15 years after that remarkable 1992 season?

I always thought the story of the team should be told. I think all of us have unique experiences we want to share and say to ourselves “I should write a book.” After fourteen years of thinking about these remarkable young men and their coaches and what they went through, I decided to do write the book and try to get it published before the season’s 15th anniversary. (Also before I turned 50).

5. Ever check out sports blogs and websites? If so, which ones? If you don't, why not?

Sure. Who doesn’t? I regularly review all kinds of sports websites, but the ones I save as favored sites are about high school or college sports such as,, , or about baseball or teaching baseball such as,,,,, and a host of others I use to keep me updated about what other baseball coaches are doing or thinking or find new drills.

Some of my favorite baseball blogs are ,,, I just added yours to the list. (I’m not a Red Sox fan either and I like your polls).

6. What was the hardest part about the writing process?

The editing process by far. Sometimes it felt as if I was dragging my feet in a desert without a compass or a hat. It sucks the life out of you. Each time I looked at all the red lining, arrows and highlighted areas of a draft, it was just a mirage. The end was never really near. But every once in a while, I’d see a new sentence that I created and think, hey that sounds pretty good.
Early on in the process, whenever I sent a draft, I would hear back, “you need more dialogue, you’ve got to have more dialogue.” I felt like I was listening to Christopher Walken on Saturday Night Live. “More cowbell, Steve, more cowbell!”

During my editing process, James Frey’s memoir A Million Little Pieces got trashed when it was discovered he exaggerated some of the events he wrote about. It forced me to do a lot of thinking and research about what actually transpired back in 1991/1992 so that my book was as accurate as I could possibly make it. I can see where Frey probably got tempted and may have convinced himself he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He might have been hearing a similar voice telling him, More cowbell Jim, it needs more cowbell.

7. If you could go back and change one thing about the book, what would it be, if anything?

I would have started on a cover concept earlier as that aspect took more time than I thought it would. Unless a cover designer has read your book, it took me more time than expected to get across the book’s concept. For example, the first cover submitted to me contained a rather large football helmet on it. Although my book does have a football aspect to it, the predominant story concerns a baseball team. The concept of putting a football on a baseball field’s homeplate was suggested to me by a separate cover designer. But due to my own self-imposed time constraints, I took a picture myself and after it was changed a bit, it was used for the cover. If I had more time, I think I would have a professional photographer also help with the cover.

8. You're on a deserted island with three famous people, dead or alive. Who are they?

I assume you meant to ask about anyone other than Jesus Christ. I wouldn’t have anything to worry about if he was there with me.

Otherwise, you know this question is a mindfield for any happily married man. Depending on who I name, I think I could end up on a deserted island alone so I’m going to avoid naming any actresses from Son of the Beach or The Girls Next Door or any models or singers either dead or alive. You guys are probably going to rank on me for this answer but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Not Gilligan because he’d do something stupid and I’d never be able to leave the island. Myself and the third person would vote him off. Perhaps Tom Hanks as he figured out a way to get off a deserted island with a volleyball and Abraham Lincoln as he was as wise and persistent as any famous person and I could talk to him about law; he could also chop wood for the raft.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Johnsons in the NFL

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

The NFL is littered with players whose last name is Johnson. Go up and down every roster and if you don't come across at least one Johnson, you're probably looking in the wrong place. And speaking of Johnson, remember the Big Johnson t-shirt line. Good shit, friends. Good shit.

Honoring Big Johnson tees and professional football, today's category is naming those NFL players whose last name is Johnson. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up will be thrown in a dark alley with the man pictured.

We'll start things up with our boy from U-Dub: Tank Johnson.

All right, football fans. Prove you know your nameology in the comments.

Where was the Happy Ending?

Getting haircuts are awesome. We feel 900 times sexier when our hair is short, neat and clean. When we're freshly groomed, we know we could totally bag Carmen or Stokke or Archuleta's boo boo. But due to budget restraints, we get lined up about every five weeks, rather than the every two weeks we'd prefer.

The place we go is close to UW, so it's usually filled with students. But the people cutting hair are not students. No, no, no. They're these young-ish Japanese women whose English is a three out of 10 and hair-cutting skills aren't much better.

But it's cheap. Cheap is good. We're paying for the use of fucking scissors and clippers. We once got a $30 haircut and expected a New York steak and glass of Merlot when we were done. Didn't happen.

This place is about $15 and they even include a wash. That's huge. Having some one else wash your hair is fucking ecstasy. Why people pay good money to get a massage is crazy. Just have some one wash your hair. Talk about relaxing.

OK. After the hair cut, the woman -- maybe 30ish -- walks us back to wash our hair. It's awesome. All soothing and shit with the smell of peaches and sunflowers in the air.

When the wash was done, the hair cutter gave us the eye. We returned it. We were both thinking the same thing.

Her: You know what $20 more will get you, right?
Us: Price does not matter.

It all was about to go down, but some one else entered the shop and the masseuse barber thought better of it. And that was that.

Let's just say the tip was minimal.

Yi Jianlian would totally hit it

This, apparently, is the largest woman in the world. She's 7-foot-4, 320 pounds and lives in Holland. Who knew the Dutch liked their hookers so big?

WNBA, sweetheart. Take your game (game?) to the WNBA.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

You might want to start wearing bullet-proof vests to Raiders games

Listen carefully, people: Do not -- we repeat: do not! -- get mistaken for gang members’ rivals while tailgating in Oakland.

Otherwise, you could end up in the hospital.
Four football fans tailgating Saturday night outside an Oakland Coliseum parking lot in preparation for Sunday's sold-out Raiders game were shot by suspected gang members who mistook them for rivals, police said. None were killed.
Yes, yes, there are gangs in Oakland. Please understand this; we're trying to raise awareness. We're not happy about it either, being born there and all, but it's a fact that we've come to terms with.

That wasn't the end of the weekend fun:
In an unrelated incident Sunday, a man was shot in the upper thigh or groin area after the Raiders game, police said. The shooting happened in the 66th Avenue parking lot about 4:30 p.m.
The man pictured is not considered a suspect, though he did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Monday, October 22, 2007

Update: Mowatt vs. Cohen

Holy bukkake! Sasha Cohen took about a 20-vote lead over Ms. Taryne Mowatt over the weekend -- a huge swing! Either the lobbying of certain commenters helped or Mowatt doesn't know how to close a game.

With such a close race, we're gonna leave the polls open for another day. If you haven't voted yet, you can do so from this post.

May the best woman win...

Fuck Boston

Fuck the Red Sox.

Enough of their shit. Really. At this point, the Sox are just as bad as the Yankees. Their payroll is second in the Majors and is nearly $100 mil more than that of the Rockies. So -- and stick with us here -- wouldn't a Colorado victory in the World Series be 100 million times more valuable than a Sox win?

Fuck the Patriots.

Go after Brady's fucking knees already. And can't Belichick show some class? Running it up against the hapless Dolphins? Pfft. He'd be the type of high school coach who drops 80 points on that pathetic team which starts all underclassmen and then call his own kids pussies after the game for having to punt twice.

Fuck Boston College.

Beating Georgia Tech is not beating someone. If the Eagles somehow sneak in to the BCS title game, we're gonna have to hire Frank Costello to whack Matt Ryan before kickoff.

Fuck tea.

Fuck the Bean Pot.

Fuck Bill Simmons.

Fuck phony accents.

Fuck Thomas M. Menino. (Don't know who he is? Look it up.)

Fuck the Celtics.


Fuck Fever Pitch.

And, somehow, we think Johnny Damon must be to blame for all of this.

And please, feel free to leave your own hate in the comments. Get it all out, people. It's therapeutic. Really.

Friday, October 19, 2007

An interview with's Jimmy Traina

Jimmy Traina is a man all bloggers should befriend. In addition to being a totally stand-up guy, he could make your traffic blow up with the click of a mouse. He's a producer at who writes the always-fun Hot Clicks and runs the Extra Mustard page. He's a MSM guy who has connected with bloggers; a real winner in our book. His words speak wisdom in Q&A form. Make friends in the comments.

1. The rundown:

Name: Jimmy Traina
Age: 33
Location: Long Island, N.Y.
Occupation: Producer,
Favorite team: Yankees, Dillon Panthers, Any team I bet on

2. Aside from being the man behind Hot Clicks, tell us your other roles at

I run the Extra Mustard page. That entails editing all the copy for the page, handling photos and putting the content on the page. I also write occasionally and put together photo galleries.

3. Your résumé must've been loaded to end up where you have. Take us through your career path, starting with your schooling, internships, first jobs, etc. And how'd you get the call to the Bigs at

Let's see...I was a broadcasting major in college. I worked at the radio station and newspaper. I interned at WFAN (which was great because I'm a Mike and the Mad Dog addict.) Right after graduating, I got a job at a smaller than small Long Island radio station doing news. It sucked. I hated doing news. I wanted to do sports. And the money REALLY sucked. So I left there and ended up at Scorephone, just so I could stay in sports and make some money while I looked for something longterm. From there, I got a job at the Associated Press in their sports department. I became friends with a co-worker there, who eventually left for Shortly after he was there, there was an opening and he let me know about it. So I interviewed and got the job. This was 7 and a half years ago. I started out as an editorial assistant. Eventually I became an associate producer and now a producer. So the moral of this boring story is that who you know is more important that anything else. At least that's been my experience in this business.

4. Take us through a typical day of work for you, if such a thing exists. And give us some insight to how Hot Clicks is put together. Do you always just go off what is emailed to you? Ever scour the depths of the Internet looking for the best content?

I have a long commute (I'm on the train for an hour), which helps because I read the Daily News and the Post every morning on the train (yes, I still read newspapers) and they're good for a couple of Hot Clicks items a week -- at least. Then I get into the office at 8am and after checking work email, personal email and my fantasy teams -- and not necessarily in that order -- I start going through my bookmarks. I have about 200 Web sites bookmarked for Hot Clicks but I probably only get to check 100 or so just because of time constraints. There's really no method to the madness of putting them together. If I see something I find funny or interesting or unique or original, I put in it. I try to keep things light and fun. Obviously I love lists, celebrities, pop culture and hot chicks. There are also certain things that I'm into -- for example old school wrestling stuff, basically anything having to do with the '80s and gambling -- that end up creeping into the Clicks. I try to make the Clicks appeal to the broadest audience possible, but it's only natural that if I'm compiling the Clicks everyday, some of my personality is gonna get in there.

I have tons of links emailed to me, which is great, but I'd say 70 percent of those are from bloggers. I'd love to get more random things from regular readers, but I haven't focused on that enough. Luckily, I have friends and co-workers who are always alerting me to links, too. I try to get Hot Clicks posted by 10:30 (we have a daily staff meeting at that time), but plenty of times they end up getting posted between 11-11:30. Once they're up, I get started on the rest of the Mustard content. I usually have to edit a Daily List and post it, find a photo for our daily Caption This feature. Find photos for our weekly Caught in the Act gallery. Edit a column or two.

5. Dream job? Go.

Honestly, my dream job would be no job. Who wants to work? I've never understood people who said they'd be bored if they didn't work. I'd be fuckin' thrilled to not have to be somewhere every single day. But if I had to pick an actual job, I'd say either play-by-play man for the New York Yankees or manager of the New York Yankees or a professional gambler or the third co-host on the Mike and the Mad Dog show. If I had to pick a realistic job, I'd say media critic. Since I was in high school, I wanted to have Bob Raissman's job.

6. From an outsider's perspective, it appears you have the power to link to whatever you want. Yet, you always link to many blogs. Why have you become such a liaison from the MSM to blogs?

Hmm...interesting question. I think there are several answers. One, I'm pretty amazed by how creative and original a lot of bloggers are. Two, I'm amazed by how often bloggers break news. Three, I love the fact that if anyone who has anything to do with sports is out in public, fans will either take a pic or write up a report and send it to a blog. For example, last week I linked to a photo album someone put together of the Red Sox partying in a bar after they clinched the AL East. To me, that stuff is gold. And who can forget that great pic of bombed Kyle Orton that Deadspin posted a while back. Stuff like that is just tremendous.

I also realized long, long ago that just because someone is on TV or on the radio or writes for a newspaper or magazine, that doesn't mean they know more about sports than die-hard fans. So I appreciate what bloggers are doing.

7. How heavily are you edited? Especially at Hot Clicks, are there editors telling you what to link to at all, or is it pretty laissez-faire?

I've been lucky. I've been able to link to whatever I've wanted (minus the NSFW sites). I basically edit myself, which isn't hard because I (usually) know what will fly and what won't with the powers that be. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to realize that has advertisers and appeals to a mainstream audience. Believe me, every single day when I'm compiling the Clicks I find something that I really wish I could put it in, but I know I can't. For example, a few weeks ago, all those college "poon" sites -- SEC poon, ACC Poon, etc., etc. -- started up. I saw the link, I think on Mac Gs World blog, and would've loved to put it in Hot Clicks. I know people who read Hot Clicks would be all over that stuff. But the fact of the matter is, I can't link to something titled "SEC Poon" on It's just the way it is. And I don't have a problem with that. There are also certain topics I'll stay away from. For example, anything with a political slant. You can't win in those situations. You're automatically gonna piss off half your audience. So to answer your question, I'm not edited but in a way I'm edited.

8. Where you are at, at your age and with your experience, what's the next logical career step?

I wonder that myself. I actually have no idea.

9. How often do you get to hang out or chat with the other SI writers? Any cool stories? Who's the most fun to chill with?

I don't really have a relationship with any of the magazine writers, except for Dr. Z. I used to be his editor and we still chat from time to time. He's a total character, very funny and very unique, and totally real. No phonieness about him at all. The people I'm closest with here are the other Web site producers. I don't really have specific stories to tell you. We just do what I think most guys do all day -- we talk about sports, our fantasy teams, tv shows etc. We argue about nonsense (for example, our NFL producer Andrew Perloff thinks Tom Brady is overrated, so that's been good office fodder lately) and bust each others balls all day. For the most part, it's pretty fun.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Triple-A teams

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Keeping track of Triple-A teams is about as easy as keeping the Missus happy. They seem to relocate all the time and the affiliates frequently change.

Let's make a game out of it then. Today's category is naming all Triple A teams with its corresponding affiliate. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. Whoever blows it first has to move to Albuquerque.

We'll say our favorite (because we have a t-shirt!): Albuquerque Isotopes (Marlins).

All right, baseball fans. Slang your minor-league knowledge in the comments.

Captain Pussyman strikes again

We know just over 800 blogs picked this up yesterday, but really any excuse to use "Captain Pussyman" in a headline is reason enough for us.

From the New York Daily News via Deadspin, via With Leather via blah blah blah:
Our spy in the lobby of the Shore Club in Miami early Sunday morning spotted "two scantily clad women screaming at the front desk because they had spent the night at Jeter's penthouse and were then charged for parking. The girls were wearing what looked like the same clothes they wore the night before - a tight cocktail dress and a mini-skirt. They were making a huge scene because they were asked to pay for parking.

"Obviously, they'd spent the night there," giggled the onlooker, who noted that one of the overnight guests was screaming into the phone, "After last night, he'd better [bleep]ing take care of it!"
So what did they do last night? Drink hot cocoa? Play Chutes and Ladders? Our money is on them having wild, hot, monkey, anal, NC-17 fun. But really, our guess is as good as any one's.

Shouldn't Capt. Pussyman be like upset that his team lost and all as recently as a week ago? That his manager is probably out the door? That the organization isn't sure where it's headed?

In all fairness, maybe he is upset. How would you make yourself feel better? Threesome!

Oh yeah, and why would he pick up their parking bill? It's not like it was his car. Two points, Pussyman. Two points.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Tuitama: 'Going long is for pussies'

Ooh, Jennings is open down the left sideline. Ooh, I got Reese on the seam. But fuck that, I'm gonna check down.

Throwing the ball deep is for the faint of heart. For guys who don't know how to properly make love to a woman. For people who clap at the end of a movie.

Chicks dig guys who check down. Guys who complete 30 passes for 233 yards. Guys who average seven yards per pass. Checking down will get you laid faster than giving blow to a stripper.

I don't care that I have my tight end over the middle. Fuck my tight end. I don't give two shits that my speedy wide receiver has a step on an undersized DB. I'd rather throw a swing pass. My dick hardens at the thought of a swing pass.

Fourth and eleven? Fuck throwing the ball down field. I'm dumping it off, bitch.

So what that we lost? Certainly wasn't my fault. You complete 70 percent of your passes, asswhipe.

I'm the check-down king. And you better kneel in front of me. I can throw a screen better than Elway. Swing pass better than Montana. Quick hitch? Broadway Joe can go fist himself.

It's not about winning and losing. Not about Xs and Os. It's about the thrill of completing a four-yard pass. It's knowing that after the game, pussy will find me. I am King Check-Down and I will beat the fuck out of anyone who tells me to throw the ball downfield.

(Related: F--k It. I'm Throwing It Downfield.)

Morning headlines - Testaverde wins, has ED

Vinny Testaverde is back in the league! And he won!

When Testaverde signed with the Panthers last week, we had a hilarious email string with some of our buddies from home, coming up with the most outrageous headlines possible for a QB who is older than time. So today, fun with Vinny headline form.

Here are some of the best from said email string. Leave us your best in the comments.

-The British Are Coming! Testaverde Signs With Panthers! One If By Land!

-Columbus finds new world, new quarterback for Panthers

-Testaverde Signs, to Dress in "White" locker room

-Carolina to battle Tampa Sunday with Testaverde, muskets

-Panthers sign Testaverde, league to abandon leather helmet

Friday, October 12, 2007

Blogger Interviews: Awful Announcing

We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

Joining us today is Brian from the always on-point Awful Announcing. AA's been at it for a long time, as he's kept announcers on notice since 2006. Be careful what you say or you might just end up the subject of a post over at AA. So go easy on him in the comments. Aw, who are we kidding? Rip in to him!

1. The rundown:

Brian Powell, BP, AA
Age: 29
Location: Metro DC/Baltimore Area
Occupation: Does anyone ever answer this question?
Favorite team: Redskins, Terps Basketball, Wolverines Football, Orioles
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5)

The one that really put me on the map...

The one actual piece of journalism that I attempted...

And I’m extremely proud of the work that I and the Channel 4 News Team did Live-blogging just about every First Round NCAA Tournament game last year which we dubbed “Liveblogapocalypse.”

Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere: 4-8 hours a day

2. Take us through a typical day of blogging.

This is probably the hardest question on the list for me. I don’t want to reveal all of my secrets, but it’s TBP, so I’ll spill the beans. The thing is...I don’t ever have a plan. Some may view this as cocky and/or ill-prepared, but unless I’m doing a review of a MNF game the next day, I have no idea what I’m posting that day.

With that said, I have the sites I go to first in the morning (don’t believe in RSS Readers), and from there I plan out my day. Here’s how it goes...Get the first post (something substantial) down around 9/10 a.m. Usually when I find the first post I instantly find the second to throw up, but I have real work for my “real” job in between. I’ll post the second story at around 11...I’ll do some more real work, and then look for a third story around noon. Here’s where it gets tricky...

If I have a story at noon...I go with it...if I don’t you get the “Create the Caption” bit a little early, and then it’s a free for all the rest of the day. Whatever and whenever I find it. If I’m watching games that night and anything grabs a hold of me I’ll put it up around midnight or 1 a.m., so it’s the first thing people see when they head to AA in the morning.

3. What made you start a blog focused on announcers and media figures? Did Chris Berman touch you the wrong way when you were a kid or something?

Fuck if I know really. One (Playoff NBA) day, Hubie Brown used the word “Wideopenshotability”, and I lost it. From there it’s been a cluster fuck (I can curse here, right?) of nonsense, announcing, and bad writing (mostly from me).

I always wanted to do something in sports (hence working for the WUSA), but blogging was nothing that I planned for. I’d love to give you some Steve Jobs type vision that I once had, but I was just an idiot with a computer and Google. Blogger came up as a sponsored link and the rest is Cheerleader Ass and History.4. Awful Announcing is full of rare videos and transcripts of what announcers said during a certain broadcast. How do you get all of that material? Are you TIVOing games, then breaking down all the fucked up things these guys say?

One day when I write my memoirs everyone will see the notes that I take for each game. They’re pretty off the wall and scary actually. It would be a great read.

As far as videos...I’d like to have a fancy answer for this question too (something along the lines of 40 minions with laptops and a network of TVs), but you hit the nail on the head. I watch any and every sporting event that’s on television. It’s not an easy thing to do, The Awful Girlfriend hates me during Football Season, and I get about four hours of sleep a night. No offense to the love of my life, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

On a side note: I’ve had one YouTube account closed because of “legal issues”, so I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to get away with what I do. It sucks to have a video, that was viewed over 300,000 times like “Ty Thomas twisting his ankle after proclaiming he’s only entering the Dunk Contest for the Money”, removed forever...but such is life. Until the lawyers come knocking I think I’m good...although that could be any day now.

5. Dream job? Go.

Going back through the transcripts of previous interviews you either got “I love what I’m doing now” or “I want to sexually assault a female actress for a living,” so I’m going with something different. I’m going with what I wanted to be as a kid. As a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murray. Eddie Murray was the best switch-hitter that ever lived (fuck you Mickey Mantle) and hated the bastards in the media. There was something that I loved about him just ignoring the lemmings that were hounding him after verbally fellating Cal Ripken.

So when I grow up, TBP...I want to be Eddie Murray. Wait...what was the question?

6. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?

First of all let me say that this question is the easiest to answer. Why? I love every blog. I love everyone who takes the time to write/type their thoughts down to express their feelings (90% for little or no money). Doesn’t matter if the writing is good, if it’s satire, or it’s just recapping the day. Having options is not a bad thing, and with the monopoly that is “The Leader” trying to shove shit down your throat everyday...blogs are amazing and a necessity for any sports fan.

With that said I’m breaking this into two parts...

First of all have to thank Deadspin before anyone else. I emailed Will with the weakest of intros ever and he linked me in Blogdome with a tagline something along the lines of “Hey, A Blog Completely Devoted to Crappy Announcers, Bill Simmons Would Be Jealous.” I couldn’t think of a better intro into the ‘Sphere. Second, I have to thank Brooks from SbB. He may not want to admit this ever happened, but for one day I wrote for his site. He was trying to find people to fill in the holes when he couldn’t and he gave me a shot. I failed miserably. I wrote a perfect piece on Michele Wie and her competition, but mistakenly named Morgan Presell, Paula Creamer, or vice versa (whatever). Brooks got probably a million emails calling him out on what was actually my mistake, and even though I completely botched that first post he gave me a second try. Well guess what? I fucked that up too....Really, really, really badly. Brooks still gave me pointers and politely gave me advice as he kicked my ass out the door. If it wasn’t for SbB, I wouldn’t even know how to write a post or what was relevant in Media.

Okay, now that my slurping is done I’m taking a page out of my boy NFL Adam’s book by not mentioning the sites that you go to everyday (my dad actually asked me about a site called Deathspin the other day), but maybe pointing out the ones you don’t go to everyday...I hope you can take this in list form...

100% Injury Rate, Babes Love Baseball, Blog of Hilarity, Bugs and Cranks, Bullets Forever, Deuce of Davenport, Digital Headbutt, Flyers Fieldhouse, Joe Sports Fan, Ladies..., Larry Brown Sports, Leave the Man Alone, Lion In Oil, Mondesi’s House, More Credible, My Brain Says Rage, NOIS, One More Dying Quail, Red Sox Monster, Run Up The Score, Signal To Noise, Strikezones and Endzones, Sons of Sam Malone, Stupid Sideline Reporters, Storming the Floor, The 700 Level, The Big Picture, The Hater Nation, The Money Shot, The Sports Hernia, The Wayne Fontes Experience, Thunder Matt’s Saloon, and With Malice.

7. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?

The most rewarding part is the easiest...I love what I do. And that’s not working full time at a bullshit job and making a salary. I love blogging. I love that I’m (somewhat) respected in the “Industry.” I love making people take notice. I love my commenters. I love the people that link to me and vice versa. I love my “Friends of AA” section because every single one of those people have helped me at one point or another whether I mentioned them in the last question or not. I love run-on sentences. I love using...

The most frustrating? Three things...1.) Trying to gain and keep respect 2.) Getting people to comeback after I’ve been linked somewhere huge, and 3.) The lack of understanding from Mainstream Media...

(Without getting too preachy) Mainstream Media likes to throw around the word credible. Well what the fuck is credible?! WHO is credible? The person who touched me when I was young Chris Berman, Peter Gammons, f’ing Chris Mortensen?!?! How about Deadspin who had some stories proven to be false, or when I fuck something up?! Everyone makes mistakes, but people seem to take stock in the fact that blogs are rumor and garbage. Well you know what? (Most of) Mainstream Media is nearsighted, stubborn, and weak. Blogs aren’t your run of the mill spin that you read every f’ing day at ESPN, and I f’ing love that! I think it’s awesome that I have options. Blogs are perfect in their chaos because they are a self-regulating community. Anons told me 1,000 times over that I was wrong for praising TBS’ No. 1 MLB Playoff Team of Caray, Gwynn, and Brenly. I went back and watched them again, saw that they were right, and admitted I was wrong and that I was too quick in my judgment. When has that ever happened to Stuart Scott after he’s done his horrible poetry session on Sports Center, or Chris Mortensen when he reports incorrectly for the thousandth time? It doesn’t. Well it didn’t until sports blogs came along.

8. This might be a loaded question, but, in your opinion, what's the future of sports blogs? Enlighten us.

Fuck...I just blew my load on that one. I’ll make this answer short...just like any medium you have to eliminate the spin and nonsense and that’s what blogs do. Newspapers are a dying breed, but some get know what...see Dan Shanoff’s interview for this answer. He summed it up better than anyone else ever could...he’s badass and went to Harvard.

9. What's the ultimate goal of your site/your writing?

When people use the term “writing” regarding me I just have to laugh. Just read the answers above and below...grammar is thrown out and English is questionable (although I am trying to get better. I actually proofread this interview before sending it to you, and I’m even taking English classes at the local Community College...okay, that’s a lie). It might surprise you, and the AA audience, but I don’t have it out for ESPN. They just make it so much easier than any other entity. All I want is magical land where not everything a sports network does is about the bottom line. There is someone always better and faster out there than you and I think ESPN is losing sight of what made them the great destination they once were.

It’s a double-edged sword (obviously) because if ESPN cleans up its act then I’m out of the job, but alas...I don’t see that happening. The main goal is and always has been to just have fun, make a few people laugh, and never take myself too seriously (something which I can’t say for most of the announcers out there today).

10. AA gets a great readership now. The content speaks for itself, but it needs to get out there somehow -- especially at first. How'd the initial promotion of the site go? Message boards? Email strings? And a piece of advice, if you will, for some smaller sites how to build a steady, interactive readership?

I can’t stress hard work enough. You’re not just going to gain respect overnight, and you have to put the time in. Hell, that’s something I’m still struggggggling with. Everyone knows who works hard and who doesn’t in the world of blogging so if you post something one day, and then wait three days and post’re going to lose readership. You don’t have to be FanHouse, but you need a few items/opinions each day. Another thing is to network and make friends. Email people, ask questions, ask for everything. It’s grass roots marketing at its finest, and people will almost always help you out.

A term I hate is “finding your voice”, but it’s really what will set you apart from millions of websites out there. Having a niche was a blessing for me because people say stupid stuff year round, so it’s easy for me. What I find amazing is when football blogs keep their readership up year round. KSK and EDSBS are f’ing genius at what they do to keep people constantly checking in the offseason, but that’s a hard thing to do. I’d never tell anyone what to cover or not to cover, but make sure you think about it ahead of time.

Lastly, (and I learned this from MJD’s interview) don’t ever let anyone discourage you from doing what you want to do. Do you know how many “Industry” people have emailed me asking me what business I have in judging them? A ton. And you know what I tell them...I’m a fucking fan and I have an opinion. You don’t have to read it, but I know you will.

11. There are a lot of awful, awful announcers out there. But there are some damn fine ones too. Personally, who makes you grateful for the MUTE button? Who would you want calling any game? And who's been the most fun to poke fun at since you started the blog?

I’ll give you a top 10 of who I can’t stand and then a list for the good ones...

10. Chris Spielman
9. Andre Ware
8. Paul Maguire
7. Charles Davis
6. Emmitt Smith
5. Pam Ward
4. Tim McCarver
3. Chris Berman
2. Joe Buck
1. Joe Morgan

Good Announcers/Analysts/Hosts: Gus Johnson, Pam Oliver, Matt Vasgersian, Troy Aikman, Sean McDonough, Kirk Herbstreit, Craig Bollerjack, Rece Davis, Brad Nessler, Marv Albert, Erin Andrews, Steve Kerr, Steve “Snapper” Jones, Ernie Johnson, Ron Pitts, JC Pearson, Ian Eagle, Chris Fowler, and Petros Papadakis (I’m probably missing a few, so sorry if I left anyone off).

The most fun to poke at is a three-way tie with Joe Buck, Pam Ward, and Joe Morgan. (Honorable Mention: Chris Berman). And If I had to choose one a team for one game...Marv Albert would be on the call, Gus Johnson would be the analyst, and Erin Andrews would be on the sideline (for journalistic purposes of course).

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Big Picture Categories: NFL players from USC

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Stanford really beat USC! Ho-ly shit! OMG! AAGGHHH! We don't want to talk about the magnitude of the upset, so instead, let's discuss the Trojans and the depth of their storied program by playing a round of Categories.

Today's category is naming current NFLers who went to SC. O.J. doesn't count. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. Whoever messes up first has to babysit Leinart's kid.

We'll keep it simple: Matt Leinart.

All right, football fans. Brag about your USC knowledge in the comments...

Torre done with the Yanks?

I know what you're thinking. That I'm out of New York like Lance Bass and the closest. Fuck that. If the Yanks don't want me, I don't want them, motherfucker.

If the Boss wants to blame another playoff series loss on me, he should be nervous to fall asleep at night. What about the players?

We were loaded this year. A-Rod, Captain Pussyman, Matsui... But come playoff time, Pussyman couldn't' tell the difference between a double play and a threesome. Alex's postseason woes continued. And the Rocket's rocket can't fire the heat anymore, if you catch my drift, motherfucker.

Let's remember here: we started 9-14, were 14 and a half back before nearly winning the division and had a pitching rotation even the D-Rays could rough up. I'm a fucking saint, motherfucker. Not a goat.

Verducci even picked me for Manager or the Year in last week's SI. You hear that. Fuckin' Manager of the Year. Verducci. We didn't even fuck or nothin'.

If the Yankees want to move in another direction, that's their loss. C'mon. Mattingly? He couldn't find his ass with a square of toilet paper. Girardi's the same way. And La Russa's a drunk.

Is this the end? That's like asking if the sky is green, and we all full well know it isn't green, motherfucker. I might be done in New York, but Joe Torre is never done. I'm the Manager of fucking Managers. I'm not done until I say I'm done. And that's the way it's gonna be. Motherfucker.

Monday, October 08, 2007

A letter to Willie Parker

Dear Mr. Parker,

Fuck you, asshole. If you run for over 100 yards again and fail to get in the endzone, we'll kill your fucking dog. Don't get to the century mark and fail to score? First born, bitch. (OK, not really. Just your dog.)

You are making Najeh Davenport look like a first-round fantasy back. That's bullshit, Willie. You're a first-round fantasy back and you're more useless to our teams than Steven Hawking.

Take some initiative, Willie. We don't give a fuck if you're tired or if Mike Tomlin hates fantasy football owners, but if the Steelers are inside the 10, you need to put the football in the motherfucking endzone.

We don't care how you do it. If you need to turn Davenport into Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable, so be it. You do what you need to do to win. And to help us win. And nothing less.

So we'll give you one more week. Yeah, that's an ultimatum. After your bye week, go for 100. Score. Fuck it. Score twice. And pretend, for just one game, that you're a legitimate first round pick. If you don't? You're fucking toast.

All of your Fantasy Football owners

A Sunday afternoon at the gym

We choose to go to the gym sometimes. Not usually on the weekends -- those are reserved for football and masturbation -- but we went yesterday.

We don't mess around with a 24-Hour Fitness or Gold's or some shit like that. YMCA is the spot. It's a bit ironic belonging there being Jewish and all, but the price is unbeatable, equipment's fine and it's usually really empty.

Going to the gym is OK. It's pretty time consuming, but it's worth it. Chicks fucking dig dudes who lift weights. Our amount of ass has increased exponentially since going to the gym. And if we were to ever have a chance with Carmen or Jenn, well, working out will help. Carmen and Jenn are suckers for dudes who pump iron.

Sunday was a quiet day at the gym. Just a few other people lifting and there was actually this pretty cute girl working out. She was small, fit and looked like the type who'd love to be thrown around the sack. We gave her bedroom eyes, she returned them, but we both kept our collective sexual organs away and went back to our workout. Nothing happened, but in a porno, we hands down would've been doing it doggy on the incline bench. But we worked out in peace, away from the 49ers' offense, fantasy football bullshit and Joe Buck. It was therapeutic.

Hot doggystyle girl left, but then in comes this guy we'd seen around the Y before. Older dude...maybe late 50s, but he coulda passed for 125. He was Nicole Richie-thin, had wispy, graying hair and an unkept beard. Man, this beard was fucking awesome. If there were birds living in there, we'd be the least surprised. He probably hasn't shaved since '72.

Anyway, this guy starts doing some stretches and shit. We usually mind our business at the gym, try to keep our head down, avoid eye contact. But as this hombre was stretching, we couldn't help but stare.

It sure looked like this older man was trying to suck his own dick. Like actually. He was really going after it. He even had the facial expression showing his hunger. Of course, he would've said he was just stretching or doing some yoga or pilates or whatever the fuck it is that older people do at the gym. But he was hands down trying to suck on his own cock. He would've done it too if we weren't there. He was craving it. We were the only thing in his way.

We're never quite sure what to think of a man trying to suck his ding dong. A BJ sure does feel good. But giving yourself one is a little, ugh, you know...

So yeah, that was a chunk of our Sunday, working out and watching a man aggressively go for his own joystick. What'd you do? Watch football? Pfft.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Relocated franchises

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

In every major sports league, there are a slew of teams that started in one city and moved to another. Like the BASEketball joke goes, "the Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music."

So today's category is naming those teams that started in one city and moved to another. It's OK if the mascot name has changed (i.e. Houston Oilers became the Tennessee Titans). We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. There are fucking hundreds of these! Blow up the comments. Whoever messes up first has to move to Salt Lake City.

We'll keep it simple: San Francisco Giants (Original City: New York).

All right, folks. Girls dig a man who knows where the Carolina Hurricanes originated...

Robert Swift is having identity issues

Once upon a time, the Sonics' Robert Swift was a young man with a dream. He dreamed of forgoing college, missing endless sorority pussy and warming the end of an NBA team's bench.

Swift was tall, sure, but he was not big. He didn't think big, play big, act big. He was a boy among men, cub among bears, A cup among DDs.

But Swift now is a changed man. From The Seattle Times:

A series of intertwining black tattoos cover large swaths of his body. He's forgotten how many tattoos he has, but knows he's spent 108 hours under the needle. Swift is wearing his shoulder-length red hair in a ponytail and has significantly bulked up in his upper body, adding about 40 pounds to his 7-1 frame during a nine-month rehabilitation, bringing him up to 280 pounds.

"I'm certainly more comfortable with my body now than I ever was before," he said. "It's an adjustment for me and for everybody else. I get a lot stares and comments, but I like it."

Robert Swift might never touch a woman again, but he has found himself. And his identity.