Friday, March 31, 2006

Hansbrough just needs some booty, education

Tyler Hansbrough, freshman/alien on the North Carolina basketball team, said Thursday he'll skip the NBA draft and return for his sophomore season at UNC. We don't know why he made this decision, but we're guessing he had a conversation something like this:

Friend (also an alien): So Tyler, you think you're comin' back next year?
Tyler: I'm thinkin' about it. I bet I call pull some sweet Carolina pussy if I come back.
Friend: But what if the only thing you're pulling is a groin?
Tyler: Like because I'm having too much intercourse?
Friend: No, fucknut, because you injure yourself on the court, which could hurt your draft stock for next year's draft.
Tyler: I probably won't, though. Besides, I really wanna get laid.
Friend: If you go pro you'll be makin' millions and could pay to get laid.
Tyler: You mean pay my momma?
Friend: Wow, Tyler, you are a fucking retard.
Tyler: I think I'm gonna to come back to school because I'm still pissed that Jai-tea Lewis and George Mason beat the shit out of us in the tourney.
Friend: Dude, but think: in the NBA, you can have a "sweatheart" in every city!
Tyler: I'm afraid though that my teammates would make fun of my bug eyes.
Friend: Well, that's a given. You have the most gigantic fucking eyes known to man, beast or alien.
Tyler: Yeah, I have some large eyes. But I think I'm gonna stay in school. I get reacharounds from Coach W. after every practice and sometimes when we play at Duke.
Friend: Does he give a good handjob?
Tyler: The best.
Friend: Oh, does he only give them to players?
Tyler: I'm not sure...But anyway, I'm going back to Carolina.
Friend: Suit yourself, pal.
Tyler: I'm not wearing a suit.

Clearly, Hansbrough is returning to school because he has the intelligence of a potato . It's unclear as to whether he's ever paid his mother for sex, but the possibility exists.

-Adam Landres-Schnur wrote about 95% of this post. He didn't finish because he realized the NIT Championship was on. He admires South Carolina coach, Dave Odom, very much. Really, he does.

‘He’s the new Indiana coach!?’

We here at the Big Picture usually don’t have any problems forming an opinion. Kobe Bryant, for instance, will be a really good basketball player (rapist) until he dies, as far as we’re concerned.

Then we heard that the University of South Carolina (USC — no, not that one, though Matt Leinart was seen there frolicking with hot chicks) won its second straight NIT in New York Thursday night.

Really, we just don’t know how to feel about this.

On one hand, you have a team that plays great under tournament pressure, going on an impressive run to cut down the nets at Madison Square Garden.

On the other, shit-palmed hand, you have a team who can’t even make the real tournament and is getting way too used to having bragging rights about being No. 66.

What we do know is that Gamecocks’ (oh, and we’re so fucking sick of those hats that say ‘Cocks’ on them. That’s not how you spit game, fellas.) head coach Dave ‘Weirdo’ Odom has fighting words (like a Gamecock, we presume) for the Indiana athletic department.

“I win two straight NITs and I don’t even get a lousy phone call?” he said after the 76-64 win over Michigan Thursday. “Kelvin (Sampson) loses in the first round and wears denim shirts and gets the job? He’s the new Indiana coach? Weird.”

Making things more complicated is that Odom also won the NIT in 2000 when coaching Wake Forest, where, coincidentally, he turned into a Demon Deacon. His solid 21-3 NIT career record furthers our predicament.

We’re still trying to decide if winning consecutive NIT titles is bogus. Feel free to weigh in on this one, ‘cause we sure as hell can’t make up our minds.

In other news: BALCO dude Victor Conte said Thursday that he didn't supply Barry Bonds with any steroids, just lots of cupcakes.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Thursday, March 30, 2006

In other news:

A long list of them by UW's most famed hooker:

-The Timberwolves' Kevin Garnett said Tuesday, "I don't want to go through this anymore," referring to the difficulty he's recently had feeding Latrell Sprewell's family on $14 million.

-LeBron James scored 46 in Cleveland's win over Dallas Wednesday night, while his mother scored a .08.

- George Mitchell, the former U.S. Senate majority leader, is heading the MLB steroid investigation because he's somehow related to Victor Conte.

- Seahawks head coach Mike Holmgren is mulling retirement (due to the officiating at the Super Bowl) and is considering becoming a zebra. It's believed his mustache told him to do so.

- Notre Dame safety Tom Zbikowski will make his boxing debut June 10 against an Irish guy who fights.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

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Phillies' fans must like cock (fighting)

We're a day late on this story, but that's nothing new for us.

Via Mr. Irrelevant and Deadspin comes a tale of those crazy Philadelphia Phillies.

The fine PR folks at Phillies' headquarters thought it would be a good idea to send out a promotional DVD to season ticket holders to help sell tickets, generate excitement for the upcoming season and help fans repress the fact that reliever Ugueth Urbina attempted to kill some farmers with a machete last year.

Phillies' fans likely expected to see first base sensation Ryan Howard plow homers (among other things) on the free DVD, but instead they saw an extended video of cock fighting! In Spanish!

According to Mr. Irrelevant, the team sent out 4,000 of these videos with cocks beating the fuck out of each other and the Phillies have only heard two complaints. Perhaps the team would sell more tickets if they put nine cocks on the field instead of, you know, the actual team.

In other news: Details are still fuzzy on the Duke lacrosse rape story, but police have said their prime suspect at this point is Kobe Bryant.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

To read today

What to read while you drink some Kool-Aid with Joakim Noah:

YAY Sports! - These fellas got all the Final Four teams right! Wow. They're not full of shit or anything.

The Hater Nation - Will Aaron Brooks save the day for the Raiders? Just ask our homeboy, Lil' Hater.

Mr. Irrelevant - He was in D.C. for the Regional Semis and Finals. Wow! Real reporting. Cool.

Deadspin - They were mentioned in Sports Illustrated. Now that's big time.

Insomniac's Lounge - He's the only UCLA fan we know. Congrats! (We guess...fucking Bruins).

The Sports Page - Jeff's got the best banner in the biz. Now if only he'd make one for us... (nudge, nudge).

The Mighty MJD - This story is old, but perhaps the funniest thing we've ever read.

The Sports Pulse - They dig deep to find famous alum from George Mason. The results are by no means impressive.

Romar: 'My dreams are getting bigger'

SEATTLE, Wash. -- After four years of coaching the University of Washington men's basketball team, Lorenzo Romar has decided to reach for new heights.

"I think the Final Four would be cool," Romar told sources, "but enough of this basketball shit. It's just too emotionally draining. So, starting now, I'm turning my focus to politics."

Romar did not discuss what office, if any, he was planning on running for, and did not seem to even know when the next election is, but he was to be taken seriously. He also left in unclear whether or not he'd coach UW next season.

"Lynn (Swann) is running for the governor of Pennsylvania," said Romar. "And look at the guy. He could catch passes ok, but he was a fucking terrible sideline-reporter. If he can run for office, so can I."

The support for Romar, despite the thin political background, would be tremendous.

"I don't give a shit if he doesn't know the difference between a republican and a democrat," said a member of the Dawg Pack. "Romar's the fuckin' man."

Added another fan: "I'd vote for Coach (Romar) in a sec. Just look at the guy. He breathes success."

The officiating of the Huskies' Sweet 16 loss to Connecticut does not seem to be a factor in Romar's decision.

"Sure, the refs sucked, but that's the nature of the game," said Romar. "But in politics, you control the shots yourself. No damn zebras will be getting in my way. I just can't wait. I haven't been this excited since I first came to U-dub."

There will be no peace in Indiana, Kelvin

Indiana has found its replacement to Mike Davis. His name is Kelvin Sampson and he likes denim dress shirts.

Sampson, who has been the coach at Oklahoma for the past 12 years, found it fitting to leave his solid program to go to one where he'll be expected to fill the shoes of this guy.

As the Sooners' coach, Sampson had gotten used to red ties. Whether he'll be allowed to wear a denim shirt at IU is still unclear, though he may be expected to a wear a V-neck sweater.

Sampson being named the Hoosiers' coach seems a tad odd for several reasons. First, his name isn't Steve Alford. And second through fourth, his name isn't Mark Few (Gonzaga), John Calipari (Memphis) or Randy Wittman (Orlando Magic assistant).

Sampson is a very good coach and an excellent dresser. Any man confident enough to wear denim above the waist is ok by us. Way to go Mr. Sampson! Best of luck at Indiana. No pressure or nothing. C'mon, Mike Davis got to the Final Four just four years ago and is now out of work. No pressure at all.

In other news: Suns' forward Amare Stoudemire received treatment on his knee Tuesday after Tanya Harding had the young superstar beat up.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Redick: 'I didn't do it, you can check my DNA'

No, he didn't rape an exotic dancer on March 13 at an off-campus party in Durham, N.C., but apparently members of the Duke lacrosse (shortened, LAX -- we don't know why, either) team did.

The school canceled the remaining games on the lacrosse team's schedule and said they can't mess with LAXatives or fly through LAX airport anymore. The victim said three white men pulled her into a bathroom and beat, choked, raped and played 10 fingers with her.

Police took DNA samples of 46 of the team's 47 players. The 47th, the team's only black player, is probably SheldenWilliams. No one has been charged yet, but it seems likely that CoachKskldrhuhuidg27987569826jd;fskldjghh will make a commercial about it.

Read more here.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Comments welcomed

So all this time, we keep hearing how only people with a blogger ID can comment on our nonsense that we call The Big Picture. Well, those days are gone.

While playing around the site, we found a button that will allow everyone to comment; not just our fellow folks.

So comment. Do it early and often. We respect all of your opinions and everything. (Ok, that's not true, but we do like to read what you have to say and tear it a new asshole).

The All-Bad Tournament Team

This year's tourney has seen some great teams and players play like bad teams and bad players. Really, it has. Guys who have total talent just have been sucking much like Billy Packer. So we thought we'd compile a team of dudes who, well, kinda had a shitty tournament.

J.J. Re(small)dick, G, Duke - Small dick Redick shot 3-18 and scored a mere 11 points in Duke's loss to LSU in the Sweet 16. And he cried. Perhaps he was the "Big Baby" against LSU.

Gerry McNamara, G, Syracuse - Looks like the Little Engine that Could ran out of steam. After propelling the Orange ("men" was dropped from the name for obvious racial and political reasons...but don't worry, they're still a bunch of bigots) to a thrilling Big East Conference title, McNamara scored 2 points, had 3 turnovers and didn't make a field goal in the Orange's opening round loss to Texas A&M.

Tyler Hansbrough, F, North Carolina - The super freshman, who sort of resembles this guy, had a whopping 10 points on 5-13 shooting in a second-round loss to perennial power, George Mason.

Rudy Gay, F, UConn - Possibly the first overall pick in the upcoming NBA Draft, Gay must start showing up for games. While his body appears on the court, his mind is in fucking outer space hanging out with Tyler Hansbrough's look-alike. Gay's disappearance is a big reason UConn diarreheaed in D.C.

Joakim Noah, F/C, Florida - Actually, Noah has had an outstanding tourney and, if Florida wins it all, will be a huge reason why they do
. He's just too fucking weird not to put on this team. Look at this picture and then convince yourself that Noah had no ties to Jim Jones and The People's Temple. If Noah offers you Gatorade (or Kool-Aid if they serve that shit on the team bench) run for the fucking hills!

Jim Calhoun, Coach/Butt-weasel, UConn - Calhoun may just be the worst motivator in the history of the game. To have a team loaded with future NBA players lose to an 11-seed (no matter how good GMU is) is absolutely unacceptable. They wouldn't have even had the chance to blow it against Mason if Rashad Anderson doesn't pull a rabbit out of his ass and take UW to overtime. And Calhoun was bitching about the pod system because GMU was virtually at home. Maybe if you coached, dickhead, the home game wouldn't have mattered.

This post was brought to you by Joakim Noah's hair.

Who the fuck is George Mason?

Well, people who know a bit more than we do about history say he was somehow involved with the Declaration of Independence and the Virginia Constitution. We aren't exactly sure what he had to do with it or what the fuck the Virginia Constitution is, for that matter, but we're guessing he played a big part and that he wore a wig.

What we do know is that he's helping the school named after him win college basketball games.

"You better believe they're getting a little help," Mason's risen ghost said. "What, you think they'd reach the Final Four all on their own!?"

It's unclear as to how exactly an old, white, dead dude helped the Patriots win four games some 200 years after he died, but we're pretty sure the answer lies in the Virginia Constitution.

We're betting Nicolas Cage would be willing to find out for sure.

Regardless of which famous Founding Father figure is helping these little guys from the CAA (GMU isn't even from a conference! And what the fuck is an Association anyway? Again, our guess is that the Constitution has the answer and that Disney would pay Cage to find out.), we're on board with them.

We especially like Jai Lewis, mainly because he's a big fucking G, and also because he's named after an Asian tea or something.

The Mighty Motherfucking MJD has a similar story about Old Man Mason.

In other news: The Red Sox Julian Tavarez punched the Devil Rays Joey Gathright in a Spring Training game Monday because Joey wouldn't share his grapefruit with Julian.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the sports editor at the University of Washington's The Daily and will start contribituing to our little site often. He's also a giant douche bag.

Monday, March 27, 2006

The Big Dance: Who spiked the punch?

(Thanks to Deadspin for the picture).

The game of basketball hasn’t been this crazy since Ron Artest went all Bruce Lee on Detroit Pistons’ fans last season. And that was the NBA.

Now, seeing how it’s still March, the only thing we have on our minds, aside from where to go for Happy Hour, is the NCAA Tournament.

This year’s dance has seen it all, from tearing down the nets to tearing at mid-court. There have been buzzer-beaters, overtimes and full collapses. We had a couple Cinderella’s escape the first weekend and squeeze their way into the Sweet 16. Now we have Cinderella, her stepsisters, the fairy godmother and a slipper that more than fits make a miraculous run to the Final Four. (Cinderella and her entourage is George Mason, if you didn’t know).

To think that we would have a Final Four of UCLA, LSU, Florida and George Mason is beyond outrageous. If we could predict the future (which, by the way, we’re heavily researching because we think looking into the future would be pretty sweet) and we literally saw that the Baby Bears, Bayou Bengals, Swamp Things and Old White Dudes were going to be playing in the Final Four in Indianapolis, we still wouldn’t believe it.

This damn tournament is so unpredictable, that in ESPN’s tournament challenge, of over three million entered brackets, four (as in 1, 2, 3, four) had the correct teams in the Final Four. How even four brackets saw the combination of these teams playing this deep into the tournament is beyond us.

March Madness didn’t just get crazy this past weekend. The first round saw blown leads and clutch shots. The second round saw big upsets and more clutch shots. Then the Sweet 16 saw top-teams escape, perhaps the best performance of a #5 seed (our Huskies!) since Indiana was the national runner-up as a number five in 2002, and grown men cry. Yes. Cry. Like little fucking kids.

We’ve thought a lot about the whole crying game that took place in the Round of Sixteen. We came to a consensus that it’s ok to cry, but not during the game. The Big Picture nemesis, Adam Morrison, broke down in tears against UCLA after he had a sudden realization that he was the most ugly man to ever do anything related to living. We’re all about his epiphany, but Adam, do it after the game. Morrison basically conceded defeat prematurely…and we’ll take a guess that that’s not the only thing that Adam Mor-ugly-than-you does prematurely.

You must be thinking that we’ve gotten sidetracked. You’re absolutely right. Back to the column.

So crying is fine by us. Bawl, weep and sob all you want. We like seeing emotion in sports and that’s what really makes college sports different from pro sports. These kids are perhaps playing their last games of organized basketball (well, not Morrison) and it’s understandable to be upset when your career is done or when you fucking blow it like Gonzaga did against (F)UC LA.

But, as we already said, it must be done after the game. Oh, and if Morrison and J.J. Redick (Duke’s star who also found it appropriate to leave his emotions on the court after Duke was upset by LSU) plan to play in the pros, they may have to get used to losing because they’ll likely be chosen in the top-ten where lowly teams like, ugh, the Sonics will be picking.

Yeah, so just a wild, wild tournament. If a tournament, as a whole, could be loaded, well, this one was…and probably took keg stands from a keg filled with Three Star Vodka. Hey, it’s been fun. We’d say it’s been a lot of fun, but having Rashad Anderson rip your heart out isn’t exactly our idea of a good time.

This is the beauty of March: meaningful basketball, gripping story lines, and this year especially, the entire cast and crew from Cinderella.
Since we won’t be with you until next Wednesday, after the tourney will be all said and done, we’ll give you our picks now.

UCLA over LSU. Florida over George Mason. UCLA wins it all, and because the Dawgs beat UCLA twice, UW shares the National Championship in spirit.

If we’re right with our picks, we expect you all to be helping us take down our keg of Three Star.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other tournament news: The UConn Lady Huskies beat Georgia 77-75 after Rashad Anderson hit a game-winning three pointer as time expired.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Fun with pictures

Wait, Josh Boone wasn't in Star Wars...or was he?

Check out more fun with pictures here.

In other news: Barry Bonds plans to sit out the rest of Spring Training after hurting his elbow in a street fight with the authors of Game of Shadows.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Washington vs. Connecticut

Yeah, it feels something like that.

In other news: The Atlanta Falcons gave coach Jim Mora Jr. a three-year contract extension after Mora bet the Falcons' GM that LSU would beat Duke.

Friday, March 24, 2006


Couldn't have happened to a better team...well, maybe UCLA woulda been better.

Dawgs are apparently having a pants party

Our UW Sweet 16 preview is up at Deadspin. Check it out. And if you know if the Huskies and Huskies plan to have a "pants party," please be the first to tell us.

Yeah, so Sweet 16: Day 2

This is what we have decided to do. Since there are two days of Sweet 16 action, and little else going on in the world of sports (minus a few NFL off-season moves), we're going to do a preview for today's games today, and tomorrow's games, well, tomorrow. Writer's block is creeping in, so we figure it best to spread out material when it's right there in front of us. Anyway, meaningful basketball. Cool.
Washington D.C. Region:

#1 Connecticut vs. #5 Washington:

Huskies vs. Huskies. How cute. So we really, really like UW. Not to win this game per se, just in general. If they win this game, we may attempt a cart wheel. But UConn is bigger than Dirk Diggler. Big man, Hilton Armstrong, and ugly big man, Josh Boone, are likely gonna squash UW inside, forcing the Dawgs into an endless amount of threes. If I'm Coach Romar, first I'd be a huge G and second, I'd be studying film from the first Villanova/UConn contest. ''Nova was much smaller than UConn, much like the Dawgs, but somehow beat them. Romar better figure out how the Wildcats did that if our Dawgs have a shot. We don't want to see the season come to an end, but getting this far was more than we could have asked for.

The Big Picture pick: UConn (unfortunately)

#7 Witchita State vs. #11 George Mason:

WSU's mascot is the Shocker. That's just awesome. If only the players performed shockers on George Mason would WSU win. We really don't know any players on either team, and we're ok with that. Really, we are. But the Patriots are at home in D.C. and they're hot as a Swedish swimsuit model.

The Big Picture pick: George Mason

Minneapolis Region:

#1 Villanova vs. #4 Boston College:

Here we go with big vs. small again. 'Nova plays four guards and BC has Jared Dudley and Craig Smith to bust your ass inside. We kinda like BC because coach Al Skinner is like an actor you'd see in an 80's Vietnam movie. Oh, and he can coach ok too. Villanova's tough to root against because they play a unique brand of baketball and hell, Allan Ray had his fucking eye poked out. And now he's aiming for the Final Four. We salute you, Mr. Ray's eyeball.

The Big Picture pick: BC

#3 Florida vs. #7 Georgetown:

Joakim Noah looks like someone who is preparing to drink that special Kool-Aid. He's just a fucking weirdo. But he's pretty good. So is Florida guard Taurean Green. We haven't seen too much of either of these teams all year, but we just have this feeling that if Florida doesn't win, Gators' coach Billy Donovan will make a few calls and get John Thompson III whacked.

The Big Picture pick: Florida

In other news: The Cowboys signed kicker Mike Vanderjagt to a multi-year contract with a clause that forbids Vanderjagt from acting like an idiot.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Yeah, so Sweet 16

This is what we have decided to do. Since there are two days of Sweet 16 action, and little else going on in the world of sports (minus a few NFL off-season moves), we're going to do a preview for today's games today, and tomorrow's games, well, tomorrow. Writer's block is creeping in, so we figure it best to spread out material when it's right there in front of us. Anyway, meaningful basketball. Cool.

Atlanta Region:

#1 Duke vs. #4 LSU:

So Duke has this guy JJ Redick. He can shoot the ball pretty well. He's white. He's a dickhole. He spoons with Josh McRoberts. LSU has this guy Glen "Big Baby" Davis. Why "Big Baby?" Well, he's fat as fuck and he looks pretty young. That'd be our guess. This Big Baby fella is pretty good though, and we think he may be able to stop Shelden Williams, who is Duke's most likable player. But we have this feeling that Redick is gonna go off (and jerk Greg Paulus off) and be the difference. Oh, and Duke's Coach Krz... is like pretty good at coaching.

The Big Picture pick: Duke

#2 Texas vs. #6 West Virginia:

West Virginia is hard to root against seeing how they are full of inbred hicks and we think those people are kinda funny. But Texas, with LaMarcus Aldridge and PJ Tucker, will give the Mountaineers a good ol' fashioned out-bred fucking and just pound them down low. WVU relies on the three and if it's not falling, this game won't be close.

The Big Picture pick: Texas

Oakland Region:

#1 Memphis vs. #13 Bradley:

We really kind of like Memphis. The Tigers have Rodney Carney who's a huge G and Darius Washington Jr. is your guy if the you need a clutch free throw. Bradley is somebody's name, we guess. Um, ok.

The Big Picture pick: just foolin'. Memphis, of course.

#2 UCLA vs. #3 Gonzaga:

This is hands down the best game on paper, but, as our associates tell us, a basketball game is played on a court. You're the first to know that our associates are now our former associates. Bastards. As for the game, we hate both of the teams a lot. Jordan Farmar is a cocky, Hollywood bitch. Adam Morrison is a cocky, rapist bitch. We hate these teams too much to even put into words. We're rooting for the rare, but not impossible, double-forfeit. Who's with us?

The Big Picture pick: (F)UC LA

In other news: Alfonso Soriano suited up in left field for the Washington Nationals yesterday after President Bush told him, "Play left, motherfucker, or I'm raising taxes."

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Making sense of the Stanford Tree

For years we here at The Big Picture have been taught to hate Stanford. It's just how it goes growing up in the East Bay: root for Cal, hate Stanford. But lately, we have developed a sort of secret crush on the Cardinal. Well, it's not so much the team that we like (we think Chris Hernandez is a dick-wad), but that obnoxious tree mascot is perhaps the coolest one in the college ranks.

Last month, during a basketball game with Cal, Tree, as drunk as Eddie Sutton, blew a 0.157, puked on Leon Powe and then lost control of her bowels on the court. (The 0.157 part was true...the other stuff we're sure is just didn't get reported). The person in the suit, Erin Lashnits, was then fired, expelled and killed. (Again, only the first part of that sentence was actually reported).

And now Monday, just a little over a month after the drinking, puking, shitting incident, the newest Tree was tossed out of the Stanford women's tournament game against Florida State for refusing to clear the floor at halftime.

We saw some video of this, and Tree was really just dancing around, being obnoxious and probably taking hits off the crack pipe. But to eject a mascot? You may call it harsh, we'll call it un-American.

As for Tree, well, it may be our new favorite mascot. Prior to the shenanigans that Tree pulled this year, our hands-down favorite was the St. Joseph's Hawk. It's not so much that Hawk is a boozer or clown, it's Hawk's dedication that we love so much. See, during a St. Joe's' game, Hawk stays in constant motion by flapping its wings throughout the entire basketball game. The whole fucking thing! You know how strong you have to be to flap your wings for two hours straight? Go ahead and try for two minutes. It's tough we tell ya.

But Tree is certainly more rebellious than Hawk and we like rebellion as much as the next guy. But if Hawk decides to get loaded, flap his wings, yak, and keep on flappin', well, Tree would take a backseat to our flappin' friend from Philly. (If you get the chance, slug us for that alliteration).

In other news: The Indianapolis Colts signed kicker Adam Vinatieri after the Colts' front office decided they didn't want an "idiot kicker."

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

We're back!

It was a long trip of sitting in the sun, watching baseball and getting happy at our free (!) Happy Hour at the Embassy Suites in the delightful town of Paradise Valley, Ariz.

Here's a rundown of what happened during our little getaway:

-Our first day in town we watched the Giants take on the Rangers in Surprise, Ariz. Why is it called Surprise, you ask? Well, our best guess is that it was just open desert before some developer came along and built a town. Then passer-byers were, well, surprised when they all of sudden saw a new town. Surprise!

-We got very good at following basketball games via internet phone because they weren't exactly keeping us updated with scores at the ballpark. This whole internet on the phone thing is really pretty cool. During the game, we were screaming at the phone, yes, the fucking phone, rooting for Chris Lofton to hit a game-winner to propel Tennessee over Winthrop not to obliterate our bracket too much. We didn't see it live, Lofton heard our cries.

-Later Thursday evening, we followed our beloved Huskies by that same phone as they beat Utah St. in opening-round action. Most people were asleep on the East Coast while we were following the score and nervously sweating like Bruce Pearl .

-At the Cubs/Giants' matinee Friday, we got an autograph by Juan Pierre. It's not really that we get off to famous people writing their fucking name on a ball, but we admire a guy who's first name is Juan and last name Pierre. It just defies all laws of heritage. C'mon, is he Latin American or is he French? Who knows? Oh, and Pierre is just about the weirdest looking dude to ever play anything, anywhere.

-This trip has taken place for the last eight years or so, and every time we go to the same damn restaurant (often twice) that is more known as a ballplayer hangout than as a place that actually serves good food. But on night number two, while waiting in the lobby for our table to be ready, who else but Cubs' reliever Scott Eyre comes through the door and starts talking with us. Eyre is no comedian, but he does has a good sense of humor and was telling us that when he gets a rare at-bat, he has absolutely zero intention of swinging. The guy is just looking to strike out and do it without looking like too much of an ass. Well Scott, we appreciated the time and the story.

-While no ballplayer blatantly told us to fuck off, Greg Maddux didn't exactly sign our ball. Prick.

-Speaking of fucking and pricks, there is some real talent in Arizona and we eyeball-fucked about 26 women over the course of the weekend and about 24 returned the favor.

-All in all, a wonderful weekend of baseball, basketball (we watched some during our very Happy Hour) and fun for the whole family. We're glad to be back and we'll start yapping about the Sweet 16 and other related news all week. Until then, enjoy the NIT.

In other news: Japan beat Cuba to win the World Baseball Classic after the United States placed an embargo to halt good Cuban pitching.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Spring Break! (Well, when are we gonna get excited?)

Yeah, so Spring Break. Cool. We'll finally get some time off from school, work and the rain (well, maybe not the rain) and try to kick back with some margaritas, baseball, and $8 hookers.

We're off to the great city of Phoenix to catch some meaningless baseball games that mean the world to us. What could be better?

We're heading out early Thursday and will be in the Valley of the Sun (perhaps the title of the next Indiana Jones movie?) through Monday.

The computer is staying in Seattle so that means the chances of us updating our little site are about as good as actually kissing that cheap call girl. (Word has it that they don't like to kiss. Who knew?).

Our friends have alternate Spring Break plans that will put them in situations like this. But something about drinking 'til 5 a.m. and waking up next to some girl who looked way hotter when you weren't sober isn't exactly our idea of a good time. Besides, the talent in Arizona is spectacular, and we even know a few girls from the area.

Hang in there without us. We know we're a big part of your life and things may not be so smooth while we're away, but sit tight. Oh, and watch some basketball. Apparently there's this tournament that will be going on.

Check back in with us in the rare chance that we'll get lonely and feel the need to post during our little trip. If not, we'll be back with you Tuesday with a full update and details about our elusive kiss with the $8 ho.


Wait, that's not a drinking fountain.

In other news: Turns out that the "receiver" (which we think is a horse, by the way...but who knows, it may be a Minotaur) is none other than free agent wide receiver, Terrell Owens.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Packer: 'It slipped'

INDIANAPOLIS -- Billy Packer is a bit delusional, The Big Picture has learned. During Sunday's Tournament Selection Show on CBS, Packer made some odd comments when discussing his initial thoughts about the brackets. He called out the Wisconsin-Arizona pairing before it was unveiled to the world.

"I just blew it," Packer told sources. "I don't know what got into me. Yeah I was a little buzzed, but it's not like I was trippin' on shrooms."

Added broadcast teammate Jim Nantz, "I've never seen him like this, and we've done some wild shit together. Sure Billy put some of 'Grandpa's Old Cough Medicine' in his beverage, but Billy calls most games pretty loaded."

Nantz and Packer were calling the Big Ten Championship Game from Conseco Field House. The 'Cough Medicine' Nantz referred to was actually Jim Beam.

"I just jumped the gun," said Packer, short and bald. "I don't usually do that. Well, except in the bedroom, but Cialis is helping with that."

Packer also interrogated Selection Committee Chairman, Craig Littlepage, Sunday about questionable seeding and certain bubble teams being left out of the tournament.

"He's a fucker," said Packer. "Put me in that committee room, put me on deadline, give me some speed and, dammit, I'd get it done."

While it is unclear at this time if Packer is on medication for his height problem, some speculate that Packer is taking the Cream and the Clear to bulk up.

As for his comments, "He just let it go," said Nantz. "I don't think he'll get fired (for the comments) but if word gets out about his excessive drinking, that may be the last straw."

Norv Turner Update: It's been a while, but reports early Tuesday morning say our homeboy Norv Turner is still in as offensive coordinator of the 49ers.

In other news: Redskins' owner Daniel Snyder continued his spending spree by signing WR Antwaan Randel El and by building hotels on Park Place and the Boardwalk.

Monday, March 13, 2006

It's time to start betting

Selection Sunday has come and gone and now the only thing that's important in the world is studying the bracket.

Our bracket is by no means filled out, because we figure we could pick the games based on the cooler sounding mascot and we may win our pool -- it's that wide-open this year. (By the way, if you pick the Great Danes of Albany -- hands down our favorite mascot -- you'd be better off spending the extra five bucks on a "tip" at an Oriental massage parlor.

We'll get to our well-thought out picks in just a bit, but first some analysis on the brackets.

-The four #1 seeds have been set since mid-February, so no surprise there.

-We think Tennessee getting a #2 has to be a direct result of Bruce Pearl and his orange blazer. That's absolutely no other explanation because their record and late-season performance would merit more like a four-seed. (Florida, winning the SEC tourney, probably would've been a better fit).

-Absolutely no gripes around these parts about Gonzaga getting a #3. If they need overtime and a missed layup to win the WCC tournament (at home!), they don't deserve more than a six in our opinion. (We will strongly root against them because we don't like child molesters or spanish porn stars).

-George Washington definitely got screwed. They have two losses and are now shown respect with an eight seed?! Looks like the ride is over for the Colonials. But we just love Pops Mensah-Bonsu. His name is fucking Pops!

-The Washington D.C. region is unbelievable! First, it's home to our fifth-seeded Washington Huskies, and second, this region includes four National Champions from the last 10 years! Watch out for Michigan State in this one.

-We're pretty much okay with the last few teams who grabbed at-larges. Utah State and Texas A&M are solid. But George Mason lost twice to Hofstra in the last few weeks, and it's the Pride that got relegated to the NIT. And Air Force took a coveted spot from Cincinnati from the daunting Big East or Missouri State from the MVC. Um, ok.

-So who do we endorse? Well, we like Iona (Gaels) from Atlanta, Alabama (Crimson Tide) from Oakland, Albany (Great Danes) from D.C., and Wisconsin (Badgers) from Minneapolis.

Remember we pick winners based on team names alone, nothing else. We hate money, by the way. (Real picks to come later. Hint: Albany will not beat UConn).

In other news: After signing with the Cardinals, running back Edgerrin James told sources, "Fuck, I thought they were in St. Louis."

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Fun with pictures

Lorenzo Mata provides visual proof that man did evolve from ape.

In other news: Xavier won the A-10 championship when they realized that "X" does mark the spot.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Because even athletes fail

Deadspin had a post yesterday about how the NFL Network will pursue Ryan Leaf to be an analyst during next month's draft. While we find nothing about Ryan Leaf remotely humorous, the post prompted us (and Deadspin commenters) to think of ways to bring back old athletes (or in our case, current athletes too) to provide commentary at the site of their biggest failures/embarrassments.

Here's what we got:

-Mitch "Wild Thing" Williams can be a special guest in the Phillies' broadcast booth the next time Philly plays Toronto in the World Series.

-Darius Washington Jr., a sophomore guard at Memphis, can comment on making timely free throws at next year's Conference-USA tournament.

-Young Alex Smith on the football field.

-Allen Iverson at practice.

-Matt Millen, well, doing anything anywhere.

-Jim Mora at a press conference nearing playoff time.

-Bode Miller on a mountain.

-Marcus "Lil' Mexico" Vick at McDonald's.

And from Deadspin commenters:

-Isiah Thomas at the GM meetings.

-John Rocker reporting on the transit strike for NY1.

-Vince Young at the National Spelling Bee.

Oh Vince. Just precious.

If you got any others, drop them off in the comments section.

In other news: The United States beat South Africa 17-0 in the World Baseball Classic after Montana hooked up with Rice for two second half touchdown passes.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Broken bubbles (among other things)

Yesterday was a wild, wild day in college basketball that went very poorly for us Seattle folk. We're actually shocked we got a post up because all we could really do is break shit. (The computer, wisely, stayed intact...but we'll have a burial service for a chair, two cups and the coffee table leg tomorrow).

The biggest thing that happened bubble-wise Thursday was that George Washington was upset by Temple in the A-10 tournament. GW is a lock being 26-2 and all, but the A-10 was looking at just one bid. They'll now get a second with the winner of that tourney.

This is bad news for, say, Michigan who's lost 7 of 9, Seton Hall, Cincinnati and pretty much any Missouri Valley Conference team other than Southern Illinois (which has the auto-bid). There's now one less spot for a team trying to dance via the elusive at-large bid.

If I were a coach or player for a bubble team, I'd start baking cookies (and maybe some "special" brownies -- wait, make that shit "extra special") for the selection committee.

Or, as the Mighty MJD points out, send a cheerleader with some kneepads and that'd do the trick.

In other news: Like we're in the mood for a joke. Please help us mourn the Washington Huskies (who are now looking at a 6-8 seed and probably an early exit based on their performance last night) and our chair, cups and coffee table. They'll be missed.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

O Canada! O shit!

We gratuitously rip into the country of Canada because they're all just slow Canucks. Vancouver is a beautiful city (as is Montreal apparently...or is it Toronto?...well, one of the two), but the Country prides itself on hockey (in terms of sports) and it's really just kind of a big, cold open space. And people are just slow and fucking say "eh" as if "E" and "H" were the only two letters in the alphabet.

But now those Canadians have something to be proud of: Team Canada beat the U.S 8-6 in World Baseball Classic action yesterday. "Oohhhh yeeeaaahh," Canucks must be thinking at a word-an-hour rate. This is somewhat shocking seeing how the American players make only about $65 million more a year than the Canucks.

Team Canada does have some notable MLB players like Twins' first baseman Justin Morneau and Pirates' outfielder Jason Bay, but the Team We're Gonna Blow It has some notable MLB players like A-Rod, Ken Griffey Jr., Derek Jeter, Derrek Lee and this guy who calls himself The Rocket (which seems a bit arrogant if you ask us).

So yeah, upset city. At 1-1 the U.S. is in trouble and Canada, at 2-0, is sitting pretty. Go Canada! Go Northwest Territory. Go Canucks.

Syracuse beats Cincy with only one player

Well that's how 'Cuse coach, Jim Boeheim, sees it.

The Orange (Syracuse dropped "men" from their name because it was, you know, horribly offensive) beat Cincinnati 74-73 in the opening round of the Big East tournament on a game-winning three-pointer by senior guard Gerry McNamara.

McNamara (who, by the way, is not gay despite this picture that would lead one to think otherwise) was ripped in local papers this past week, being called "overrated."

Coach Boeheim didn't like that, so he responded by saying, "Without Gerry McNamara, we wouldn't have won 10 games this year."

How do you think this made the rest of the team feel, Coach? C'mon they probably are going to go home and cry. You are basically giving McNamara a handjob and telling the rest of your team that they are, well, a 10-win team.

That'd make for a great locker-room speech. Way to rally the troops. Nice goin', Coach.

In other news: The NFL completed its labor deal Wednesday after Keanu Reeves told NFL Commissioner, Paul Tagliabue, that he refuses to play quarterback for the Raiders.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

What to read...

...while you take the Cream and Clear and proceed to do an "American Idol" parody in full drag:

-The Hater Nation likes to compare J.J. Redick to Peyton Manning. Fair. Mean. But fair.

-Deadspin's Will "the thrill" Leitch looked like an aging Will Clark against John Rocker on Monday.

-The all-powerful Mighty MJD plays Merriam-Webster and tells us what is and what is not a sport.

-The Insomniac's Lounge has had a facelift...and it looks great! See for yourself.

And some newcomers this week...

-The Sports Page is up and kickin' and the layout is looking real nice.

-The Zany Sports Lady blogs and has a radio show. Multi-tasking at its finest.

Bruce Pearl: 'I don't do crack too much'

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Tennessee basketball players Anthony Passley and Jordan Smith were charged with possession for resale on Sunday when the two were discovered in a parked car with 15.2 grams of crack cocaine.

"I am very disappointed in these young men," Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl told the AP.

Pearl continued, "Why the hell didn't I know about this? I'm always looking for a fix. We're gonna have to punish these young men, but I can understand where they're coming from...crack's some good shit."

Passley and Smith were suspended indefinitely from the team.

Pearl has no history of drug use, but based on his profuse sideline-sweating, one may conclude that Pearl coaches high.

"I don't usually fuck around with crack," Pearl told sources. "With this new contract I got here (at Tennessee) I can afford the real shit."

Pearl was referring to powder cocaine.

Passley, a redshirt transfer from UW-Milwaukee -- where Pearl coached last season before coming to UT -- was released on bond, as was Smith.

"I came to UT with Coach P.," Passley told sources. "I knew we were goin' big time. D-I baby. It's like goin' to the show. Now we could move away from soft shit like mushrooms and get a real good ring goin'. I never thought we'd get caught. Fuckin' crack will do that to you."

Pearl denied being involved in any sort of drug ring, but he was in deep sweats while talking to reporters. The sweats are thought to be genetic, not drug-related.

Asked if he had a crack pipe in his pants or he was just happy to see reporters, Pearl said, "both."

Big shock: Bonds took steroids

By now we're sure you've heard that SI is running an excerpt of a new book revealing that Barry Bonds has done steroids.

It's all over the news, websites and the radio. Thing is, does it really matter? Well, most people will say, "damn-straight it matters."

Deadspin has a headline that reads, "The end of Barry Bonds."

Now we saw this story first on Deadspin and read that headline and thought, "oh shit, Barry is pulling some RuPaul-crap again." But then we read further and smiles turned to frowns turned to tears turned to broken chairs.

Loyal readers of The Big Picture will know that we are anything but impartial, and root harder for the Giants than any other sports team (though the UW basketball team is surging at the two-spot). This is not good news mainly because who knows what Barry will do? Will he snap and say he's retiring? Will he strangle the new Woodward and Bernstein? Will he -- gasp -- do nothing?

But here's our take on this: It's no surprise that Bonds is juiced. We've known it for a while and so has anyone else who follows baseball. Regardless of the use, he's still the best hitter of our time. Steroids make you bigger and stronger (and apparently cause sexual dysfunction), but they don't help your mechanics. More impressive than his 73 home runs in 2001 is his .370 batting average the following year. Many guys in the Majors are (or were) on the juice, (remember Marvin Benard?), but none can hit as well as Bonds can and change the way opposing teams react to his presence in the lineup.

This new book is a big blow to Bonds' credibility, but, as fans, is this even news?

In non-drug-related baseball news: The U.S. beat Mexico 2-0 in the WBC behind a goal from Freddy Adu and Landon Donovan.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Hassan Adams must know Eddie Sutton

Arizona Wildcats' swingman Hassan Adams was pulled over Sunday on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Booze: so great 98% of the time, so bad that other 2%. Just ask former Oklahoma State coach Eddie Sutton. He loves the taste, but can't handle the effects.

Because Hassan likes to drink an occasional Sea Breeze and then be an idiot and get behind the wheel, Arizona coach, Lute Olson, won't allow the drunk to accompany the team to LA for the Pac-10 Tournament.

As UW Huskies' fans, this is probably good news (though the chance of UW and Arizona meeting could only happen in the championship game), but we really like Hassan. They call him "Hot Sauce" which is just about the funniest nickname we know of.

Hot Sauce though may start getting called just "Sauced," cause he, you know, likes to get fucked up.

In other news:
No attempt at humor here today folks. Let's all pour one out (even you Hassan and Eddie) for hall of famer Kirby Puckett, who passed away last night at the age of 45. The Big Picture salutes you, Kirby.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Conference tourneys need to go

For those of you who spent most of the weekend curled up on the couch watching some college basketball between two schools you never knew existed, good for you — you’ve successfully gotten into the spirit of Championship Week.

We have too.

And for those of you who only think basketball is played in big conferences (Pac-10, Big East, Sec, etc.), well, you’re horribly wrong.

Contrary to popular belief, there are many conference tournaments being played in the armpits of the U.S. – like Tennessee. (Honestly, we really don’t have anything against the state of Tennessee. Really.). According to ESPN, there are 30 — count ‘em, 30 — conference tournaments that will take place in the next week (or that have already finished this past weekend). That’s a lot of conferences. A lot of teams. And a lot of brackets.

For those readers under 21, we have found a new alternative to booze for you. (Like we already said, we’re always looking out for the little, or in this case, the younger guy): Just try to figure out all of the seeds of the teams in these smaller conference tournaments and keep the brackets organized in your mind. We guarantee at least a buzz.

With so many conferences (that all sound similar — like the SWAC, MAAC and MEAC) it’s nearly impossible to keep them all straight. But that’s part of the fun. C’mon we already have teams dancing. Belmont (that’s your cue to say, “what the fuck is Belmont?”) is representing the Atlantic Sun, Murray State will be playing in the Big Dance from the Ohio Valley Conference (we didn’t know Ohio had a valley either), and Winthrop got its ticket punched from the Big South conference. What’s big about the Big South? Certainly not the teams. (By the way, we were rooting against Winthrop in the title game because they were playing the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers and we badly wanted a definition on “Chanticleer.” If you know, drop off a comment).

So we’re about half way through this column and all we’ve done so far is figure out a new way to get a hammered and talk about some small schools that you would never consider attending. (Though we did think about applying to UT-Chattanooga — you know, for kicks — but then realized it was in Tennessee. We swear, nothing against Tennessee.).

No point made yet, no problem. That’s what the rest of this column is for.

Here we go. If you can’t handle a strong argument sober, grab a Captain ‘n’ Coke or just use our new method of getting fucked up, mentioned above.

So the Ivy League — the conference of the likes of Harvard, Yale, Princeton…you know, the indoor kids — has it all right. Penn was the first team technically in the Big Dance because they won the Ivy League by having the best conference record during the regular season. And that’s the way every league should do it. Get rid of these conference tourneys. They’re fun, but they’re not fair and we love sports justice. Those brainiac kids always seem to get it right.

Here’s a good example. In many of these smaller leagues (like the SWAC, MAAC and MEAC to name three of many) the winner of the conference tournament is the only team that earns the right to have a team like Duke or UConn laugh at them (and beat them by 178 points).

So what does having the best league record in the regular season mean then? Well, it gives that team the top-seed in the conference tournament and thus the best theoretical chance to get the shit knocked out of them by the Dukes of the world.

But this doesn’t always go as planned. It rarely does. Davidson, which will be dancing via winning the Southern Conference tournament this past Sunday, was shafted last year. The Wildcats went a perfect 16-0 last season in the SoCon (drop that “n” and you have yourself a cool name!), earned the top seed, but was upset in the semifinals. Did they get the at-large bid to the Big Dance? Of course not. Davidson’s spot likely went to a 10+-loss team from a major conference and they were relegated to the NIT.

The whole conference tournament thing must be about money. It always is. And really it’s the only logical reason we can think they exist. Why does a team that won the regular season have to prove themselves for a second time and re-win the conference? For these small conferences that only get one team in the NCAA tournament, it gives a chance for many teams to get that automatic bid. But hey, if they weren’t good in the regular season, why give them a second chance?

But not much we can do about it now. So watch these games because they’re fun, after all. Pick a team and root hard. But when they make the Dance, don’t pick them in your tourney pool. Unless you hate money.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: The Oakland Raiders have cut QB Kerry Collins and plan to sign Norv Turner to play quarterback.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Hating Fox Sports Net, Part 1: Basketball coverage

Usually we don't have much of a problem with FSN. During the basketball season, we get lots of coverage of our Washington Huskies and during the summer, it's Kruk and Kuip calling Giants' games five days a week or so.

But yesterday, while watching the Dawgs play Arizona, the coverage was absolutely awful. In the first half, the camera wouldn't follow the ball, so you'd see a shot go up and couldn't tell what happened next. Strange.

Then, with the Dawgs up 3 and U of A with the ball and 9.9 seconds, the TV turns the same color of that image above. We ran and checked the radio to find out that the Dawgs prevailed like the mighty men in purple they are, but if radio wasn't invented, we may never have known that the Huskies had won.

Nice going FSN.

Read more about how fucking terrible Fox Sports is here, here, here, here and here.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Can The Big East Send 11 Teams Dancing?

Anyone who makes a bet on college basketball at BetUs during the next month will likely run across a team from the Big East, which has to be considered the best conference in the country. They already hold the record when it comes to having the most teams in the NCAA Tournament with eight in 2006 and 2008. This year, they look ready to shatter that with a mind-blogging 11 teams, and not only is it possible, it’s likely.

Right now, there are eight Big East teams in the top 25: Pittsburgh, Notre Dame, Connecticut, Georgetown, Syracuse, Villanova, Louisville and St. John’s. The shakiest team in this list is Villanova thanks to a late-season slide, but a good showing in the Big East tournament will make everyone forget about that. Next is Cincinnati, West Virginia and Marquette, who all have nine wins in the Big East heading into the final weekend of the regular season, and you have to think that 10 wins would clinch their spot. The Bearcats will host Georgetown, the Mountaineers will welcome Louisville to Morgantown, and Marquette will wrap up the regular-season slate at Seton Hall, so all three have games that are winnable and in the case of Cincinnati and West Virginia, they would be another win over a ranked team.

As for Seton Hall, it really is a shame that they’re in the Big East as they’re likely the best 18-12 team you have ever seen. However, when you’re five games below in your conference, you’re not going to get a ticket for the Big Dance. Rutgers would even prosper in another conference, which shows you just how deep and grueling the Big East is. Remember, there is a committee who makes the picks for Selection Sunday and like the SEC in football, biases can be swayed if you are constantly called the best conference in the country, which the Big East has going for it. If they don’t put at least 10 teams in the NCAA Tournament, we would be shocked and stunned.

To watch today

What to watch while NFL Adam and The Bish act out scenes from Brokeback Mountain.

-College basketball: West Virginia at Cincinnati; North Carolina at Duke. If only they had a special camera at Kevin Pittsnoggle's wedding. (ESPN)

-College basketball: Washington at Arizona. Contrary to popular belief, they play basketball on the West Coast too. (FSN)

-NBA: Detroit at Los Angeles Lakers. Detroit is a perfect example of chemistry while the Lakers are more like a zoology project gone terribly, terribly wrong. (NBA TV)

Stackhouse likes to give money to the NBA

And $30,000 is the amount that he's donating. After an incident against the Spurs Thursday night, Mavericks' guard Jerry Stackhouse made some comments about referee Dick Bavetta that likely hurt Dick's feelings.

"It's tough to come on the road in this environment and have to play against the refs, too," Stackhouse told The (Fort Worth) Star-Telegram. "(Expletive) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (expletive). It's like the game is about him. He just needs to call the game and call the fouls."

We're not sure what expletive means, but we'll take some guesses at what was actually said.

1. Going with the obvious: "(Fuck) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (shit). It's like the game is about him..." We love gratuitous swearing and now like Jerry Stackhouse much more than we used to. Fuck shit fuck.

2. And now let the madlibs begin:

-"(Suck) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (penis). It's like the game is about him..."

-"(Finger your butt) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (asshole). It's like the game is about him..."

-"(Arrest) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (massages). It's like the game is about him..."

-"(Fire) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (bitch-ass attitude). It's like the game is about him..."

-"(Sit down) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (hairy legs). It's like the game is about him..."

-"(Lick my nuts) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (witchcraft). It's like the game is about him..."

-"(Stop) Dick Bavetta. I'm tired of his (lies). It's like the game is about him..."

Also during Thursday's game, Robert Horry appeared to be chewing on Stackhouse's arm much like it was corn on the cob. While it wasn't corn, that (and physically shaking Bavetta), cost Horry a two-game suspension.

And, by the way, Bavetta's age is unknown, but we think he's actually older than time. That's pretty darn old.

In other news: In the aftermath of the Vince "Wonderlic-my-balls" Young test score fiasco, the NFL has declared Young "legally stupid."

Friday, March 03, 2006

Baseball! Yeah, baseball!

The World Baseball Classic, which hasn't exactly gotten a warm reaction here in the U.S., started last night with two teams from Asia duking it out.

There have been many complaints about the WBC, mainly due to its poor timing, but still, (somewhat) meaningful baseball in March! We're excited. Who's with us?

There are some pretty good players on different squads and we're rooting to see a bench clearing brawl between the U.S. and Cuba -- which won't likely improve our relationship with Fidel et al. (American and Cuba are in different pools, so we're not even sure they'll have the chance to play, but just imagine The Rocket intentionally throwing at a Cuban player. The Bay of Pigs ain't shit compared to the turmoil that would follow!)

Certain teams' rosters just look loaded. Let's take a look at some notables:

Team U.S.A. - The stars and stripes are a longshot to win this thing, but with an infield of Jeter, A-Rod, Derrek Lee and Michael Young, they could be tough. Oh, and former MVP Chipper Jones and current slugger Mark Teixeira are reserves. Powerful. Pitching is a bit of a weakness, but they do have Clemens, Jake Peavy, and Dontrelle as starters and pick your favorite closer and he's probably on the squad. (See the complete roster here).

Team Venezuela - They say pitching wins championships, but do they win world championships? Um, maybe. Venezuela will be throwing Carlos Zambrano (and Victor), Johan Santana, and F-Rod out of the 'pen. Their outfield is more stacked than Pam Anderson, with Bobby Abreu, Miguel Cabrera and Magglio Ordonez. They play baseball good in Venezuela. (See the complete roster here).

Team Dominican Republic - Beltre at third, Soriano at second, Tejada at short, Pujols/Big Papi at first. Yikes! (They also have Manny in the outfield, but big names Vlad Guerrero and Pedro dropped out). These guys are gonna fuck some shit up. (See the complete roster here.)

Let's say Team Dominican in six. Wait a sec...

In other news: Sources say that the NFL is consulting NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to deal with the free agency problem.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Bonds to star in own show (no, not Giants Idol)

ESPN is just getting desperate. Desperate for what, we're not sure.

Ratings? Nah.

An MTV-generation audience? Eh, maybe.

Mind blowing entertainment? Well, maybe something else that blows.

ESPN 2 will have a show, titled "Bonds on Bonds," that will offer a weekly behind-the-scenes look at Bonds and the San Francisco Giants throughout the season. Bonds, who turns 42 in July, enters 2006 with 708 homers, seven shy of passing Babe Ruth and 48 from breaking Aaron's mark.

So this whole Giants Idol crap that Bonds has pulled the last few days may be the man trying to plug his new show. But we think the only kind of plugs Barry is into are butt plugs; not TV plugs.

We're still convinced that Barry was either trying to lighten the mood in a normally conservative clubhouse or that this was just the result of Barry mixing opium and crystal meth. Likely the latter.

You have to play EVERY game

In a classic case of overlooking the opponent, Duke had their asses wiped by the Florida State Seminoles last night.

We prefer not to discuss specific games here at The Big Picture, but with ESPN telling us every 45 seconds that Duke is playing North Carolina Saturday, we knew that the Duke/FSU had "trap game" written all over it.

Of course the students rushed the court, but the dumb asses who go to Florida State -- a school where athletics come first, Jenn Sterger comes second (well, sometimes first apparently), and academics come in somewhere around third -- ran and celebrated before the fucking game was over. Apparently they don't even know that a basketball game is over when the clock reads 0.0, not 1.7. But hey, while teaching a math lesson to FSU fans, someone should chime in and let Coach Kdzv@#lpzw*o&zx$^%ski and the rest of the Dukies know that they have to play basketball when there is another team on the court, even if that team isn't UNC.

In other college basketball news: Texas A&M beat No. 7 Texas last night after Vince Young let the shot clock run out because he thought that the 0 was really a 6.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Going around the horn (of Africa!)

Well, not really the horn of Africa. We've never actually been to Africa, and according to some friends of ours, we haven't even left the house in three days.

But here's what we've been reading while pondering which Around the Horn talking-head we'd feed to the polar bears first...

-The Hater Nation has been writing about NASCAR. Why? Don't ask.

-The Sports Pulse doesn't have much sympathy for the guy Kevin Garnett hit with the basketball. Nor do we.

-Deadspin is gearing up to preview March Madness and they want our help! How sweet.

-The all-powerful Mighty MJD is really against storming the court at college basketball games. Maybe he's worried the floor will get ruined.

-Over at the Insomniac's Lounge, we keep hearing all about hot maids and Cinemax flicks. Man, that must be the life.

Readers can be so funny

We received this email late last night and thought it was just too darn funny not to share. It's nowhere near sports-related, but you could say it's out of left field.

"I was recently discussing the theory of sushi and realized that I have no idea what 'sea urchin' is. More curiously, however, the prefix 'sea' would imply that there is also a 'land' urchin — something that sounds pretty savage, but low in protein and vitamins. Since we all know that there is no land urchin (much like there is no fossil evidence of dinosaurs, minotaurs and saber-tooth tigers) why is it called a 'sea' urchin opposed to, say, just an 'urchin?' I mean they call it a 'sea horse' because there is a 'land' horse -- more commonly referred to as Seattle Slew."


Who knew a race horse could be so comical?

Play the lottery (the NBA one, silly) is back again with their simulated NBA lottery and mock draft. It's really a cool feature. You press a button and, voila!, you have a scenario. Press it again and a new set of teams appear, with a new mock draft.

This thing, while simply clicking the mouse, has kept us entertained for hours! It appears that there are three guys who could go number one. Those fellas are Gonzaga's Adam Morrison (who, we've decided, may be the ugliest motherfucker to ever fuck his mother), UConn's Rudy Gay (who, based solely on his name, may have nailed Morrison a few times in an empty gym) and Texas' LaMarcus Aldridge (who, we hear anyway, is tall. Go figure).

There's certainly no clear-cut number one this year, and overall, it's a pretty weak draft with no high school players and the Euro trash being from, well, Europe. But draft time is the only time that we are remotely interested in the NBA, so hats off to ESPN for getting us somewhat excited.

This post was brought to you by Adam Morrison's mustache: giving out mustache rides to all those who dare.

Barry is on more than just steroids

By now we're sure you've heard about Barry Bonds -- yes, the same guy who has hit 708 home runs, won 7 MVPs and is the only member of the 500/500 club -- dressed up in drag yesterday as part of a fundraiser called "Giants Idol."

As big Giants' fans ourselves, we find this:

1. Disturbing,
2. Disturbing, and
3. kind of cool. Kinda.

Of course this is beyond bizarre. Bonds is known for being cold to the media and to fans, and he's certainly not the best clubhouse guy there is. So to do something like this, which brings out his "other side" (whatever the fuck that may be), at least shows camaraderie.

Looking at the picture, well, it's terrifying. But take a look at his! Barry could probably kill a man with his bare hands. The size of Barry definitely leads us to believe he's still 'roided up, but based on him doing this stunt, he's likely on some much harder shit than just the juice.

In other news:
Dick Bennett is retiring as the coach of the Washington State basketball team and will be replaced by this heart left in San Francisco.