Monday, December 31, 2007

Hot Sports Wives, New Year's Eve and other fun shit

Been sorta crazy around here the last week or so as we've been on vacation for the holidays.

We'll be off tomorrow (who works on New Year's Day?), but then Wednesday we'll be back to a regular Monday-through-Friday schedule.

So we're curious what athletes do on New Year's Eve. Peyton Manning stay home and watch a movie and then turn to Dick Clark at 11:45? Tom Brady try to pull a three-way? Stephen Jackson try to light up a strip joint?

NFL coverage is making us un-fans of the NFL. Fuck the NFL. Fuck CBS and FOX. Why should we be stuck watching meaningless games when there are only like three ones worthwhile in the first place? Bullshit.

The NFL is considered the best league in the world, but until it starts getting televised the same way as college football, with like 15 games per day, we won't be believers. (We know this will never happen...)

Meanwhile, Armchair GM has compiled a list of the hottest sports wives ever. We don't agree with most of the list, but check it out for yourself and enjoy Lisa Guerrero, who could be covered in feces and still be hot as fuck.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The NFL is a friend of the environment

Great news, people: The NFL is going green for the Super Bowl!

The NFL is planting thousands of trees in Arizona forests blackened by wildfires
to help offset greenhouse gas emissions from the Super Bowl, to be played in Glendale in February. The league will also power University of Phoenix Stadium with clean energy sources from wind turbines to geothermal plants.

Wait, there are forests in Arizona? Really? Like, with trees? We fuck around in ‘Zona every year and it’s flush with cacti, but those are plants, which are smaller, less cool trees. Perhaps the NFL is planting a cacti forest. That, actually, would be pretty rad.

Turns out the tree-planting effort will offset the 350 tons of greenhouse gas produced by ground transportation during Super Bowl week, which, we’re told by scientists, is a lot.

We still aren’t buying this global warming business – the high in Seattle this summer was 68 degrees (we kid: It was 74) – but, hey, score one for nature.

So there you have it: NFL, environment -- BFFs. Al Gore must be so proud.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Giants fans don’t give a shit about history

That end zone there? Might as well say “Patriots.”

Thousands of New York Giants fans -- in a move that screams passion, loyalty, dedication and other nice descriptors -- are selling their tickets to Saturday’s game against New England, when the Pats will attempt to be the first NFL team ever to complete a 16-0 regular season.
More than 200 [Giants fans] put tickets for the Patriots game up for auction on eBay within 24 hours of the 38-21 victory over the Bills. There were also 3,000 tickets up for auction Monday afternoon on StubHub.
Frankly, we can’t blame them. The Giants clinched the 5-seed in the playoffs and a first-round match-up against the Bucs. They’re going to rest their starters. And geez, New York’s a freakin’ expensive place (we’re vacationing there in January and might have to mortgage our future to do so. But we kinda can’t wait). Given the chance to make a buck, we might jump at it.

But to aggressively shop them?
One sales pitch urged potential buyers to ‘BE A PART OF HISTORY!’ Others offered parking passes.
The game's on NFL Network...a chance to BE A PART OF HISTORY! parking passes...

We’re there!

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas

Enjoy your trees, presents and Eggnog, assholes.

We'll be going to a movie, eating Chinese foods and doing other stereotypical things Jews do on Christmas.

Monday, December 24, 2007

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Holiday cards.

I mean, what the fuck? I don't care if you're sending me your Christmas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, or Labor Day card. I don't want to stare at your family on a vacation, or by the fire place, or with fingers in each other's asses.

Really, what a pompous thing to do: "Look how perfect my family is." I could give two shits about your family. I don't care that you have a fucking Yellow Lab and your baby is adorable. That kid's gonna turn in to a coked-out, cum-gargling hooker anyway. So fuck you.

What if I took a picture of my balls and sent that out? Nothing says Happy Hanukkah like a fat nut sack. It's better than taking a posed photo with my family and then sending it out so all of the other families know that ours isn't quite as dysfunctional as theirs.

And while we're on the topic of holidays, you know what else fucking grinds my gears? Nativity scenes.

That's just fucking strange. And when you put it up in your front yard? Yikes. Try a basketball hoop or white picket fence. Nativity scenes scream, "Wackos live here."

Seen the movie Arlington Road? You should. Good movie. Anyway, one seemingly happy family (with a cheerful couple of Tim Robbins and Joan Cusack as the parents) are actually terrorists and fucking creepy as hell. They're the type of family that would put a Nativity scene up come Christmas time.

"Jingle Bells" fucking does some grinding too, but you already know that.

So if you're thinking about sending out your Holiday Card, well, don't. You're family isn't really that happy, not really that attractive, and certainly not that functional. Instead, send me a picture of your wife. Naked.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Bowl gifts are fun and neat and free

The Poinsettia Bowl is this evening.

Utah. Navy. Pre-cum is forming.

The games don't mean very much and watching Utah and Navy play a meaningless football game, in a half-empty stadium with a shitty flower for a name might be as exciting as watching your pubic hair grow.

Rather than watch the game, just know that the players, regardless of the outcome, will score some pretty cool gifts, just for showing up. Go 8-4, get a free trip to San Diego and receive a PSP Slim, Madden '08 and some clothing. Not bad for lousy bowl.

iPods and other electronics (camcorders, game consoles, GPS) are big this year. And clothes. Lots of clothes. You can see the full list of bowl shwag here.

Some other hightlights:

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: Apple iPod touch; Under Armour Aero sackpack; Cap. That iPod touch is probably pretty cool and the cap is probably instant pussy. The players could probably do without the sackpack though. Maybe something more Las Vegas-related would be better. Say, oh, a Penn & Teller show.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Nintendo Wii, Madden NFL 08; Fossil watch; Sweatshirt or polo (TBD), cap. Again with the cap. These must be fucking awesome caps. Total pussy-finders. And you know that ASU coach Dennis Erickson will be losing sleep not knowing if he's coming up on a sweatshirt or polo.

Champs Sports Bowl: Party at Best Buy; $400 Best Buy gift card for each player; Timely Watch Co. watch; Panama Jack sunglasses; Panama Jack T-shirt, hat. A party at Best Buy?! Whoa! We're envisioning dancing camcorders, singing TVs and laptops trying to spike the punch. With plenty of streamers and party hats, of course.

Texas Bowl: Watch; Duffel bag; Hoodie, T-shirt, cap, Nocona cowboy boots. It's too bad Bill Snyder doesn't coach K-State anymore. He would've been a knock out in the cowboy boots.

The National Championship game isn't that sweet. Pretty much just a Wii and some games. You know that Les Miles was holding out for that party at Best Buy.

Wanna go to the Pro Bowl?

State Farm Insurance is sponsoring this season's Pro Bowl and wants us to help create awareness of it's new promotion. Why are we telling you about it? Because that's what we do; we're a puppet for advertisers. (They're also mailing us two surgically-enhanced hookers and some blow).

If you sign up...well, we better let them explain.
Fans can enter the promotion daily through January 6 at for their chance to win a trip to Hawaii or one of 35 other great prizes. The 2008 Pro Bowl will be played on February 10 and televised by FOX. The grand prize package includes:

-Round trip air transportation for four to Honolulu Hawaii
-Four tickets to the 2008 NFL Pro Bowl presented by State Farm
-First class hotel accommodations in Honolulu (five days/four nights)
-Meet-and-greet with NFL Hall of Famer, Howie Long
-A $1,000 State Farm VISA gift card

In addition to the five grand prizes, fans have the opportunity to win one of ten first place prizes consisting of an autographed Howie Long football and a $250 gift card. Twenty-five $100 gift cards will also be awarded to second prize winners.
So go sign up. Maybe you'll win. Probably not. But maybe...a "maybe" that could change your life.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Feline-family mascots

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

If you're talking about sports teams, you'll undoubtedly mention a team whose mascot is from the feline family. Ya know, cats.

Today's category then will be naming all those teams -- let's stick to colleges and the big four pro leagues (yes, the NHL counts) -- whose mascot is from the feline family. There are 800 of these, so don't be shy. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to blow it gets a cheetah for a pet.

We'll start with an easy one: Detroit Lions.

All right, folks. Slang some mascot-knowledge in the ol' comments.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Yahoo's 'projected' fantasy points are bullshit

In the land of projections, hypotheticals and unicorns, we are 6-5, hung like Ron Jeremy and have the looks of both Brad Pitt and Denzel.

And our fantasy football team, clearly, wins all the time.

But we don't live in that magical world. Rather we live in an "actual" world, where Willie Parker doesn't score touchdowns and Jeff Reed takes pictures of his penis instead of kicking field goals.

Fantasy Football has pissed us off all season; we see it as a sure-fire way to be in a pissed off mood on Sundays.

But our team is raw. C'mon, look at that team. Indestructible.

Naturally, we were "projected" to win our playoff game because Reggie Wayne was "projected" to go for about 80 yards and a score and Willis McGahee and the hapless Ravens were "projected" to be a professional football team.

We went down in the playoffs; bitterness followed. We were "projected" to win. "Projected" to take home the hot chick with big cans in the halter top from the bar. "Projected" to fall in to piles of money like those kids from Cruel Intentions.

But life isn't about projections. It's about actuality. And our team can go "actually" fuck themselves.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Vote for us...or else

There's this site called Busted Coverage that has a great idea that's terribly executed. They neatly put 64 blogs in an NCAA Tourney-like bracket to duke it out for bragging rights.

Though, rather than go with readership, talent or penis size, they went with Ballhype rankings, which are about the biggest load of shit on the Internet.

Anyway, we're a No. 16 up against FanHouse. We need lots of your help, though we'll totally lose, regardless. But make it more respectable. (Vote for us here). And feel free to leave a comment over at Busted Coverage about how the seedings are bogus.

Because they are. If seeding was done strictly on penis size, we'd be a top seed. We'd probably, somehow, be all four top seeds.

NBA coach drops f-bomb, world stands still

In an effort to get trite quotes from coaches during games, NBA commish David Stern has teamed with TNT and ESPN to mike coaches for certain games. Jazz coach Jerry Sloan was one of those lucky few, and, well, it backfired a bit.

From the Rocky Mountain News via Ben Maller:

During a Wednesday ESPN game, a miked Jerry Sloan used a four-letter word after addressing his team at halftime.

What makes it such a problem is Sloan's speech wasn't live.

"We apologize for the inadvertent expletive during a taped halftime segment Wednesday night during the Utah-Phoenix telecast," ESPN spokesman Mark Mandel said, reading a prepared statement. "It was said quietly, and we missed it."

ESPN and NBA officials have been in communication with the Jazz. NBA spokesman Mark Broussard said it was a "mistake" in that the "approved segment ran two seconds too long."

Ground-breaking stuff.

This post without video is about as meaningless as a porn website without porn, but hey, we like to swear too, so Jerry Sloan is our new favorite coach. YouTube is failing us though, so if you have super powers, send video ASAP!

So yeah, a coach said "fuck." Or "fucking." Either way...

In related news, the sun rises in the east.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Blogger Interviews: Matt Mosley

We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

Joining us today is Matt Mosley of's Hashmarks. Mosley's a former newspaper guy, but recently jumped over to the Net and the riches of blogging. Since he's a real journalist, he talks to real people and does real life reporting.
So play nice in the comments.

1. The rundown:

Name: Matt Mosley
Age: 34
Location: Dallas
Occupation: Sportswriter
Favorite team: Baylor
Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere: I spend at least 10 hours a day on the Internet.

2. Take us through a typical day of blogging.

Wake up at 6:30 a.m. and see if I missed anything overnight. Spend a couple of hours reading stories from around the nation. I start with newspaper stories and then try to look at some blogs. Sometimes I'll drive out to Valley Ranch and check in with the Cowboys. Most of the times I take a break from blogging at noon and start making calls. I call scouts, players and coaches. I do a lot of local radio and some national, so I'm having to constantly work around that.

3. Your résumé us loaded. Take us through your career path, starting with early internships, first jobs, etc.

I went to law school after graduating from Baylor. My father's a lawyer and it seemed like the best path. About a year and a half in, I decided to bail. I took a job with a popular local sports radio show in Dallas called The Ticket and started free-lancing for the Dallas Morning News. At first, I covered primarily high school athletics. In 2003, I worked on the Baylor basketball scandal. Just before Carlton Dotson confessed to killing his teammate, he called one of my old professors to let him know. That professor called me, and we had a national scoop the next morning.

I suppose that was my "big break," although it was a tragic story to cover. We won a couple of national awards for our efforts, and soon I was asked to become a Cowboys beat writer for the Dallas Morning News and In 2006, I became a columnist and launched a Cowboys blog called "Matt Mosley's Cowboys Blog." The blog had a nice following, and it's probably the reason eventually hired me. It didn't hurt that my old DMN editor John Banks had become the NFL editor at

4. How'd you hook up with last January? You approach them?They come to you? Was the original agreement that you'd be the NFL blogger, or was it going to be primarily columns at first?

They hired me to blog and write columns. It took us a while to get the blog up and running, so I focused on writing columns for the first two months. approached me in late October and the process lasted until December. Again, they liked the Cowboys Blog and wanted me to do something similar for the entire league.

5. Talk about some similarities and differences between working for a newspaper and working for a major website. Are you edited the same way? Do you have more freedom at the .com?

I have a lot more freedom now. No one has to approve my entries. I have editors who might back read things, but I automatically post my entries. Just like a newspaper, I do have deadlines for most of my columns. With the DMN, I had my own niche. With, it's a lot larger playing field. I loved the newspaper business, but the Internet gives your work a lot more immediacy. And quite frankly, I just feel a lot better about where is headed than I do newspapers.

6. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?

I like a lot of the same blogs I'm sure you guys like. Deadspin is always fun and Kissing Suzy Kolber, The Big Lead and With Leather are all regular stops. I really like what my friend Dan Steinberg has done with the DC Sports Bog. He's an excellent writer and he's funny. My pal Ethan Skolnick does a really nice job with his blog on the Sen-Sentinel Web site. I also love The Bastard Machine, which Tim Goodman does for the San Francisco Chronicle. If you're not on the blogroll, don't read anything in to it. I just haven't done a good job of adding links.

7. The blogroll on Hashmarks has a lot of well-known blogs, but --correct us if we're wrong -- the site doesn't seem to reference or link to that many blogs or non-MSM sites. Any reason for that? Does your background in MSM and not as a blogger (like TrueHoop Henry) influence it?

It's a good question. Quite honestly I need to become a lot more efficient in my research process. The problem with my gig is that I'm asked to express an opinion on pretty much every major story that comes along. Sometimes I couldn't care less about a story. I think I should be issued some free pass. You want me to write my 500th entry on Mike Vick? Nope, I"ll pass.

8. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?

Most rewarding is that you have a constant outlet. Most frustrating is that you have a constant outlet. We just had our first child and the time that a blog requires really dominates my days. It's frustrating when you to try to keep 32 fan bases happy.

9. This might be a loaded question, but, in your opinion, what's the future of sports blogs? Enlighten us.

I think sports blogs could end up making newspapers obsolete. Right now, the good ones do a nice job of posting pics and other features. I would like to be a blogger who continues to break news instead of simply linking to other newsbreakers. There are a lot of great blogs, but not many of them take the time to do original reporting.

10. What's the ultimate goal of your site/your writing?

I'll eventually return to a normal life of writing features and columns when I burn out from blogging, which could happen as soon as Monday.

11. You're having dinner win an NFL coach, NFL player and a super hot babe. Who are they and why?

Cardinals center Al Johnson, Seahawks special teams coach Bruce DeHaven and 49ers offensive line coach George Warhop.

If you want me to name a head coach, I have to go with Mike Holmgren.

Hot babe? Meredith Mosley

(Past interviews; also found on right sidebar: Dawizofodds; Matt Ufford; The Mighty MJD; Jamie Mottram; The Big Lead; The Cavalier; Will Leitch; Dan Shanoff; Dan Steinberg; Brooks; Unsilent Majority; J.E. Skeets; Henry Abbott; The Dugout; NFL Adam; Bethlehem Shoals; Orson Swindle; Big Daddy Drew; Brian Cook; Awful Announcing; JoeSportsFan).

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

It's funny because the kid's a hick

Just when you thought 5-year-olds weren't dangerous, think again.
A 5-year-old Arkansas County boy killed a black bear Sunday weighing more than 400 pounds.

Tre Merritt, a descendant of Davy Crockett, was hunting with his grandfather Mike Merritt when a black bear happened upon their stand.
A number of questions arise, but the one we'll focus on is, why was a 5-year-old hunting? Maybe the obvious answer is that he is a descendant of Davy Crockett, who fucking slayed hundreds probably killed some people in the Texas Revolution.

Regardless, wild shit happens in Arkansas. And here's a quote that will likely further current stereotypes of Southerners.

"I was up in the stand and I seen the bear," Tre Merritt said. "It came from the thicket and it was beside the road and I shot it."

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who use their brights on the freeway.
That's fucking stupid. It's like turning on a flashlight in the middle of the day.

Now I'm not talking about one of those deserted highways where if your car breaks down, you'll end up walking to a hotel where you'll be killed, raped or killed then raped. If you use your brights on one of those roads, you're prolonging your life. All the power to you.

I'm talking about the freeway. With lots of fucking cars and lots of street lamps and shit. Then turning on your brights fucking grinds my gears.

I mean, is the douche who's tailgating me trying to get in an accident? I look in the rear view mirror and I'm blinded by his lights. That's bullshit. I don't go up to a coworker and start flashing a light in his eyes. That's for doctors and assholes.

Flashing your brights on the freeway is different. I do that shit all the time. Especially in Seattle where everyone drives like a student driver. I'll come up behind a cockweasel who's doing 55 in the fast lane. I'll flash my brights at him to change lanes so I can continue driving like a person who has a sack. If he moves over, a courteous wave follows; flashing the brights worked. If he doesn't get over, I'll honk as I pass him, take down his license plate number, track him down and kill his fucking dog. (Just kidding. I love dogs. But his cat is fucking toast.)

So don't use your brights on the freeway. There are reflectors, lamps and other cars to illuminate the road just fine. If you keep those lights on, and you hurt my eyes, well, you've officially grinded my gears.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Monday, December 10, 2007

'Real Men of Genius': Notre Dame Sucks

"BC's got better Christians." Fucking classic!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

You hiring?

Happy birthday punks!

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

My jerkin' hand is covered with rings!

Happy b-day, motherfucker.
Blow me,
Joe Torre

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

You guys are shallow, chauvinistic and rude.

Happy birthday!

Happy Fucking Birthday!

The Big Picture turns two today! Happy Birthday to us!

Two's really a special number. Two arms, two legs, two breasts. We once heard about a porno where a dude had two fully-functionally penises. That could be kind of neat.

So we've officially been at this blogging thing for two years. That's 730 days of our life we've thrown away. Whoa. The fuck are we doing with ourselves?

Thanks for hanging out with us most of that time. The comments, the emails, the means a lot. We certainly don't do this for the money or sex or fame or drugs or sex.

We have some birthday visitors today too, inspired by the hilarious jerkoffs at KSK. Some have already dropped by. Some will be by later today. So check back early and often.

If you have presents in the form of prostitute, ad leads or hookers, drop us a line. Otherwise, let's celebrate! It's our fucking birthday!

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

I just had an important birthday too!

Happy birthday!

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

Thanks for stealing our day, asshole.

Happy birthday!
Pearl Harbor Day Committee

Happy Birthday, Big Picture!

The pussy up here is to die for!

Happy b-day!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Heisman Talk

Instead of watching competitive football Saturday, we'll see four guys who play competitive football wearing suits and looking nervous, scanning the room for the guy who snuck in a flask.

For how wide-open this Heisman race is supposed to be, it sure seems that Florida's Tim Te-boner is gonna be the guy.

But should he?

It depends on how you interpret the award. By definition, the Heisman Trophy is awarded to “the outstanding college football player in the United States.” Under that definition, we'd go:

1. Te-boner
2. McFadden
3. Brennan
4. Dorsey
5. Ugh, Daniel?

But what if you interpret the Heisman as the most valuable player? Then, our ballot looks like this:

1. Dixon
2. Brennan
3. Dorsey
4. Daniel
5. Te-Boner

Big difference. Oregon had trouble completing a screen pass once Dixon got hurt. You say that Brennan's a system guy, and we'd tell you to put Brady Leaf in that system and see what happens. Glenn Dorsey showed just how valuable he was when his gimpiness (gimpiness a real word?) caused distress in the Bayou.

Let's play hypotheticals. If you get a vote, who you got? Give your winner (or list) based on both "most outstanding" and "most valuable" players.

Troy Smith, who gets a vote, is going with Dixon. Yeah. Fuck Te-boner. Though he's totally gonna win.

Yi Jianlian likes steak

Ni hao. (Nee-ha-ow). It's me again.

Things I like: steak, the Michigan Lake, analogies, cashmere, slang, sitcoms, Mrs. Dash, hiking boots, NBA, iambic pentameter, E!, Cherry Garcia.

Things I don't like: preservatives, the Eerie Lake, slam poetry, The Hills, serrated knives, Reese Witherspoon, Nutter Butter, jealousy.

I also like fitting in. And I'm really starting to fit in, on and off the court in Milwaukee. I'm adjusting well.

I joke around with my teammates, I practice hard and I know that "fuck" is a noun and a verb. I though Chinese was a difficult language, but boy is English sure tough.

I'm doing OK on the court too. I score some points, make some rebounds and fuck the other team's player, which makes them shoot free throws. My coach is telling me to not fuck so much, especially late in the game.

My "basketball" English is improving fast too. I know that Marbury is 非常疯狂. Look that up. I also know pick and roll. I do both!

I also like sarcasm. And Tiramisu.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Athletes with legal problems

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Pretty much the third thing that came to mind when watching the Pats-Ravens game Monday was, "seems like half of the Ravens' D has had a run-in with the law." (The first two things that came to mind were "this is a surprisingly good game," and "those all-black unis are fucking raw!"

Today's category then will be naming all those notorious athletes who have had legal problems. Going to jail or court isn't even a prerequisite. Any run-in with the law counts. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to blow it has to come across Ray Lewis in a dark alley.

We'll start with one of those that never saw jail time: Ray Lewis (obstruction of justice after avoiding murder charges).

All right, folks. Help make the all-criminal team in the comments.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Mike Lowell's jock not appropriate for eBay

Because the undergarments of Major Leaguers is newsworthy...From the Boston Herald (Boston Herald?) via Ben Maller:
Red Sox captain Jason Varitek's game-used spandex undies sold for $255 on eBay the other day, but the cyber auction site couldn't support the sale of World Series MVP Mike Lowell's jock.

SportsWorld memorabilia man Phil Castinetti said eBay yanked Mike's well-used athletic supporter -- with his number on it -- from the site the other day, saying it was "adult-oriented" material.
Other things that eBay considers "adult-oriented" material: Pornography, Grape-Nuts and Brave New World.

Meanwhile, if you want a crash course in how not to get hired by a newspaper, click that Boston Herald link above. Really quality stuff.

Monday, December 03, 2007

College football is bowl of mayhem

Photos courtesy of Big Ten Poon and SEC Poon.

Get ready for six weeks of hearing how Ohio State will deal with LSU's speed. Or how Les Miles isn't going to Michigan. Or how Bo Pelini is going to Nebraska. Or how Jim Tressel once touched a choir boy.

The BCS games are set, there will be other bowl games too, and we won't have D-1 football for about three weeks, when Utah takes on Navy in the San Diego County Credit Union Bukakke Muff-Divers Poinsettia Bowl.

With all the mess that occurred Saturday evening, there weren't too many surprises during Sunday's selection show. It is what it is, and what it is is apathy. One game matters, the other BCS games aren't terribly appetizing and it's now time for college hoops, NBA action and meaningful NFL games.

For a full list of bowl match ups, click here.

BCS Got it Right (?)

Do we think Ohio State and LSU are the two best teams? No way. (We're still convinced Florida would win a tournament, if such a thing existed in a world where raindrops were strippers and strippers were made of gold).

But the BCS, evaluating records, schedules, conferences, etc. made the right call. Oklahoma's the only team who might have a gripe and they played in the far inferior Big XII. Sure, the Sooners beat Mizzou twice, but that's a Tigers team that beat, ugh, Kansas?

Who got jobbed?

Arizona State and Missouri are the biggest losers. ASU is a two-loss team from what was considered the second best conference. Nobody really thinks the Sun Devils are all that good, but that same argument goes for Kansas and Hawaii.

Missouri controlled its own destiny and destiny blue-balled them. Essentially playing in the Big XII Championship cost the Tigers a BCS berth.

Tradition is Bullshit

We like Illinois. Juice Williams is a fucking p-i-m-p. And anyone, in this day and age, who goes by Juice has some serious balls. (Or is unaware that O.J. Simpson killed somebody and stole some shit). We respect that. And Ron Zook gets points in our book for his gutsy calls against Ohio State.

But three losses in a weak Big 10 should get you a trip to the Citrus Bowl. Going 9-3 is usually good for a Citrus Bowl trip, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. The Citrus Bowl is like cubic zirconium to the BCS' diamond. (That's a good thing, we think).

But the Illini have no right to be in the Rose Bowl. Oh, Pac-10 vs. Big 10 tradition? Fuck that. Tradition went out the door when the BCS starting rotating the championship game between the four major bowls. Arizona State, with one less loss, in a much better conference, should be furious.

Virginia Tech, Anyone?

Any voter in their right mind put LSU ahead of the Hokies on their ballot because the Tigers mauled Tech earlier in the year, 48-7.

But if this was just any other week, VA Teach would have still been ranked higher in the human polls than LSU. The Hokies won the ACC Championship game against a good team and would naturally move up -- or at least not get hopped by LSU, which did not win decisively.

Not sure if this really means anything, but perhaps voters should have kept LSU ahead of the Hokies in every poll after LSU's 48-7 win.

Strength of Schedule Means Nothing

Northern Colorado, Charleston Southern, Youngstown State, Akron, Southeast Louisiana, Florida International.

Those are six teams that were beaten by Hawaii, Ohio State and Kansas, respectively. Shows the insignificance of strength of schedule this season. Play cupcakes, go to BCS bowl. Pretty simple.

Put Hawaii or KU in the SEC, they might -- might -- be bowl eligible. Ohio State would probably lose two to three games.

BCS Games You Should Not Skip in Favor of Hour-Long Masturbation Session

Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
BCS Championship: Ohio State vs. LSU

BCS Game You Should Skip in Favor of Hour-Long Masturbation Session

Orange: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas

Best Non-BCS Games

Holiday Bowl: Texas vs. Arizona State
Citrus Bowl (Capital One can shove their $500 limit up their asses): Michigan vs. Florida

Enjoy the games, folks. It's been a fun season. Crazier than Lindsay Lohan on uppers.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Tipping a bartender for a bottle of beer.

That's fucked up. It's like reverse-etiquette bending you over and sticking a Louisville Slugger in your ass.

I know you're supposed to tip a bartender, it's how they make their money, yada, yada yada. But sometimes they have to work for a tip, they can't just expect it.

Like say I walk in to Trendy Bar A where I have to pay $5 for a Bud Light. Paying $5 for a Bud Light fucking grinds my gears too, but that's for different post.

So I pay my five bucks and then have to tip the bar keep a buck to twist off the fucking cap?! That's bogus, man. I mean, I guess you're paying for the service and courtesy of some one twisting that cap off for you. Sometimes I need to use my shirt, and then I look like a fucking pussy. Nobody ever wants to look like a pussy. Especially out at a bar.

Now, what if I'm ordering some local microbrew from the tap? Then I'm paying for the douchebag bartender to tilt my fucking pint glass while he pulls a lever? That's sorta messed up too.

If he's gonna make me a Martini or a Mojito or put some top shelf rum in my Rum 'n' Coke instead of the crap on the rail, then I'll happily tip him. I'll even send a hooker his way if that's what he wants. I want to be able to feel good about giving a tip.

Once I was at a trendy Irish bar that sucked my cock. I fucking hate this bar, yet often end up there. I ordered a shitty bottle of beer and it was like $4.50. Even though all the bartender did was twist off the cap, I still tipped him, even though it fucking grinded my gears. I respect etiquette, even when it assrapes me.

But I gave him a five, he gave me back 50 cents and I left the two quarters on the counter. He looked at me, gave me fuck-you eyes, and then splashed the coins back in my direction.

That really fucking grinded my gears. Asshole was expecting a buck for twisting off a cap. That's bullshit. Work for your tip. I'm gonna fucking end that guy. He was a total cock-weasel who has an inverted penis.

Yeah, so tipping for a bottle of beer is pretty week. Especially when they expect it. That's fucked. Asshole bartenders suck, too.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Rumor: Erin Andrews to be in Playboy

That rumor? We just started it. Quick, spread the word. Maybe we can make it happen!

But isn't that where this is going, anyway? Andrews, who prior to winning Playboy's Sexiest Sportscaster, got some recognition on this site by beating out other female sportscasters in a 16-person tournament. But with her Internet fame, good looks and interesting sideline reports, what's next?

Gotta be Playboy. You just know the popular magazine is offering her at least a million to do a nude spread. And with her soaring popularity, Andrews' cover would fly off newsstands.

But maybe she doesn't want to pose nude. Agggh, who are we kidding? She's gonna do Playboy. Oooh, or Hustler. She should totally do Hustler.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Former bowl games

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

It's coming time for bowl season, the most wonderful time of the year (says ESPN). While there are about 800 bowls from December until early January, there are plenty of others that were either short-lived or had a name change. It's time we remember those fallen bowls.

Today's category then will be naming all those former bowl games that no longer exist. Ones that are still around in the same location, but have changed names totally count in today's game. So mention 'em. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up gets a free trip to Hell...err...the Sun Bowl in El Paso.

We'll start with one of those bowl games you'd usually pass on in favor of Seinfeld reruns: the Copper Bowl. (Currently called the Insight Bowl).

All right, football fans. Spew your bowl knowledge in the comments.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Juan Palacios is a party animal

Photo courtesy of See more pics here.

We have no idea who Baldy on the right is, but on the left is Louisville 6-foot-8 forward Juan Palacios. In the middle is the woman both are trying to get lucky with.

The Cardinals were in Vegas last week for some preseason tournament and it appears that Palacios and some coaches made the most of the Sin City nightlife.

From some Las Vegas publication, via the invaluable Ben Maller:
Our sources say assistant coach Walter McCarty and Palacios were in the LAX nightclub's VIP section early Thursday with several male friends, including a young white man who appeared to be a seven-footer. Palacios, 22, is injured and has not played this year. Sixth-ranked Louisville lost to unranked Brigham Young University on Friday, 78-76.

A bottle of $400 Patron was charged to an Eric Scott's credit card and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, which goes for about $300, was paid for in cash.

The school's basketball media guide lists an Eric Scott as director of basketball operations.

A bottle of Patron is $400? Fuck. Do they lace it with heroin?

And Walter McCarty is with Louisville? Isn't that like sacrilegious for a guy who went to Kentucky?

We have a hunch too -- always trust a hunch -- that Palacios' pickup line to the pictured woman went like this:

"Hey. I'm Juan and I'm black. Once you go basketball player you never go back. Wait. Fuck...I have a gigantic penis."

Monday, November 26, 2007

The 2007 college football season is on Angel Dust

A major hat tip, reach-around and high five to The House Rock Built and EDSBS for the fantastic picture of your college football Turducken. That's why rich people created Photoshop.

Anyway, for how much we love college football -- we've probably spent more time watching CFB this season than we have spent sleeping -- we don't really talk about it around here too much. Maybe it's because it's already covered by blogs, the .com's and the talking box.

But we need to sort some things out. So let's all talk together.

National Championship (Big) Picture:

-We can all agree that Mizzou and West Virginia control its own destiny.
-But here's what could likely happen: WVU beats Pitt in the Backyard Brawl. The Mountaineers are in. Mizzou loses in the Big XII championship game to Oklahoma (the Sooners already beat the Tigers 41-31 in Norman). Then theOhio State backdoors its way in to the title game.
-If the Mountaineers lose and Mizzou wins. It's the Tigers and Ohio State.
-But what if both West Virginia and Mizzou lose? Ohio State is probably in, but who does it play? Kansas becomes your only other real (Hawaii is not a real football team, says the computers. They must all be June Jones' robots.) one-loss team. But would two-loss teams like USC or Georgia hop the Jayhawks? Crazy!

Saturday's winners:

-Georgia is the surprising winner. With Tennessee's thrilling win over Kentucky (easily Saturday's best game), the Bulldogs avoid an SEC championship game with an angry LSU team. UGA will finish with just two losses and avoiding the SEC championship game spells BCS for the Dawgs. (Though, an SEC championship game win would have been huge if WVU and Mizzou both lose).

-Hawaii. The Rainbows Rainbow Warriors Flaming Homos Warriors might not be considered National Championship caliber, but they are a win away at home against lowly Washington from going to a BCS game. Fiesta Bowl? Against Georgia?

-USC. A terrible loss to Stanford. A loss at Oregon. Finally, a changing of the guard in the Pac-10. But Dennis Dixon goes down like a Vietnamese prostitute and in comes Brady Leaf and other inept quarterbacks who don't know a football from their penis. Oregon's out, Arizona State is bullshit and the Trojans are a win away against inconsistent UCLA from another BCS bowl. Amazing.

Yes, they have to award someone the Heisman Trophy:

Our ballot would look like this:

1. Chase Daniel
2. Darren McFadden
3. Dennis Dixon
4. Tim Tebow
5. Colt Brennan

Disagree all you want. We want to hear dissenting opinions.

We value a team's record pretty highly, so that's why Tebow is lower. If he's the best player in the country, shouldn't the Gators still be in National Championship talks? Especially with the talent around him?

Brennan's numbers are fantastic, but he won't be considered highly until Hawaii starts playing other universities.

Daniel has good numbers, No. 1 team in the country and...well, he has good numbers and he's the best player on (currently) the top team.

Wow! College football is fun. Almost better than Meth. It's fun until you start caring about teams. Then it fucks you in the ass. (See: Washington and Cal). So the moral of the story: be objective fans and drink yourself in to a coma. Or try Angel Dust.

An afternoon at the gym

All people at the gym should look like this chick. Fake tan, fake cans and fuck-me eyes.

The people who go to our gym were not only beaten by the ugly stick, they ran through a fucking forest full of ugly sticks.

Seriously, we don't go to the gym to get strong or to feel good or to be in shape. That shit is for fucking body builders or people desperate for a hobby.

We go to the gym looking for some jerk material. C'mon, what's hotter than seeing some fine piece of ass in tight pants doing squats or stretching? The resulting camel toe is amazing!

If you remember from this post, we saw a girl a few weeks ago who was totally cute, totally fit and wanted it right there. (She must be the only one who belongs to our gym). We 69ed each other with our eyes and thought about making an adult film right there without a camera, but instead collected ourselves and went on with our workout. But we haven't seen her since. It can pretty much go without saying, but masturbation has been really boring lately.

Though we haven't seen our hot friend, we did see a familiar face at the gym this weekend.
Older dude...maybe late 50s, but he coulda passed for 125. He was Nicole Richie-thin, had wispy, graying hair and an unkept beard. Man, this beard was fucking awesome. If there were birds living in there, we'd be the least surprised. He probably hasn't shaved since '72.

Anyway, this guy starts doing some stretches and shit. We usually mind our business at the gym, try to keep our head down, avoid eye contact. But as this hombre was stretching, we couldn't help but stare.

It sure looked like this older man was trying to suck his own dick.
It looked like this guy has since gotten a hair cut and maybe found a hedge clippers for the beard, but, sure enough, there he was going after his meat again. This guy was really getting after it. Attacking ferociously. If he were a prehistoric animal, he'd certainly be a pterodactyl.

He'd be the type of guy to remove a rib too in order to give himself a cock-sucking advantage. Hard to blame the guy. He knows what he wants. He comes to the gym to give the perception that he's doing an abdominal workout or doing some core stretches, but he's really just trying to give himself some oral relief. We respect that.

49ers stick it to New England

That headline is a stretch, at best, but remember that the Pats get SF's first-round draft pick in the '08 NFL Draft.

So every Niners' win means a slightly worse pick for New England, making the 49ers' 37-31 victory over Arizona that much more satisfying.

Though tough luck for the Cardinals. Chip-shot field goal is good in OT, but DELAY OF GAME!!! Second chip-shot field goal + five yards = no good. Then after a punt + penalty = an Arizona possession starting on its own two, there's a SACK and FUMBLE and CAPS LOCK!!!! NINERS WIN!! NINERS WIN!! MATH IS FUN!

This post isn't for us to gloat about our 3-8 49ers, but after a brutal Cardinals loss, it's really just an excuse to play this clip . (Just replace "Bears" with "49ers." And pretend for a second that Dennis Green is actually a slim white guy with a gotee).

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ever been to Mt. Shasta? It's nice. Active volcano. Could blow at any moment. (Not really, but that shit in "Dante's Peak" was dormant too and then went off. Scary.)

Anyway, as turkey, stuffing and buckets of alcohol infiltrate Big Picture land, here is a list of things we're thankful for:

-"Half your age plus seven." Only way we could justify hittin' it with Stokke.

-This video of Joe Buck by Burly Sports. Friggin' hilarious.

-Silicon and saline. Masturbation sessions would never be the same.

-Booze. How else to get over miserable years by Bay Area and University of Washington teams?

-Gateway drugs. How else to get involved with hard drugs to watch these bullshit NFL games today.

-Our wonderful commenters. You guys fucking rock! Really, especially when we play Categories. You all kill at that. So thanks.

-Emailers. More, more, more! We're always looking for strange stories around the country. Tip us off by emailing us here.

-Slingbox. That thing is the shit. We can watch Bay Area TV from Seattle. Hellooooo Warriors!

-Firefox. Using Internet Explorer is like counting grains of sand on Miami Beach.

-Pocahontas. Pocahontas is fucking fine. She has something to do with Thanksgiving, right? We really thought that Disney flick about her woulda made for a good porno.

We're taking Friday off, so we'll see you Monday. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and we encourage hour-long jerk sessions all weekend.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cam Cameron is not on the hot seat

I'm fucked. I was fucked since birth. Who names their child Cam Cameron? You know what Cam is commonly short for? Cameron. Yeah. My parents named me Cameron Cameron. I mean what the fuck? Are they kidding?

John Johnson is bad. Matt Matthews is stupid. Dick Dickson sounds like a pornstar. But Cameron Cameron? I was never given a chance.

And now I can't win a football game. Maybe it's because I have the fucking stupidest name in the history of time. Maybe it's because Ronnie Brown's hurt. Maybe it's because Cleo Lemon is now my starting quarterback. Cleo Lemon! Why don't I just cut off my arms and try to get a job as a tennis instructor.

Hey, I'd make a great tennis instructor. People love tennis. Especially rich, white people. Like me. I'd be awesome at teaching tennis. I'd tell people they'll be like the next Andre Agassi or Steffi Graf or whoever the fuck it is that plays tennis these days. And it may be an empty promise, but that's OK. It's all about confidence. You gotta sell it, baby.

And I'm confident that my job is secure. So what that we're 0-10? C'mon, it's Miami. People have more important shit to do than bitch about a football team. There are clubs and beaches and blow and people Rollerblade. Rollerblading is new to me, but I think I'll come to enjoy it.

It's a good thing I'm not Mangini. I'd be pissing myself if I was Mangini. And pissing myself because I'm nervous. Not because it's Wednesday. That New York media is harsh. They'd tear your new asshole a family of new assholes.

I like it here in Miami. We'll win sooner rather than later. People will get confused that Cleo Lemon is black and overplay the run, setting up the pass. Yeah. Play action. I'm a fucking offensive genius. I'll turn Lemon in to the next fucking Marino. And we get the Jets in two weeks. When we beat them, then Mangini will really piss himself.

Mangini's a pretty silly name. But Cameron Cameron? Fuck.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Jennie Finch, Lennox Lewis, UFC dude to be on 'The Apprentice'

If you were wondering what former softball star Jennie Finch and heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis were up to, you now have an answer: they're going to be reality TV stars!
The 14 celebrities won't be vying for a job with Donald Trump, as in the previous six "Apprentice" seasons, but instead will compete in business-oriented tasks around New York City to raise money for their favorite charities. The official "Celebrity Apprentice" will win a $250,000 bonus to donate.

Other cast members include country music star Trace Adkins, Olympic gymnastics gold medalist Nadia Comaneci, Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon, Olympic softball gold medalist Jennie Finch, heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis, "America's Got Talent" judge Piers Morgan and Ultimate Fighting Champion Tito Ortiz.
That's great that Finch and Lewis can continue to be in the spotlight. And hell, maybe they'll be good at business-y stuff.

Finch would be a great sales woman. She could sell ice to an Eskimo. Or sex to a hooker. Yeah. Jennie Finch would be great at selling sex.

And who the fuck is Nadia Comaneci? She's totally hot. Nobody mentioned her for our little game. Meanwhile, Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon is flawless. Here are some sorta safe for work pictures of her, because looking at that picture of Finch has surely made your pants fit funny.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Put your life savings on New England

We're just as fucking sick of the Patriots as much as the next hate-filled sports fan. But rather than venting about New England running it up week after week, or making fun or Bill Belichick for having more affairs than Super Bowl rings, let's try to swing the Pats' success in our favor.

Sports betting has never been our thing; we figure watching hours of sports is investment enough. But we did some digging and found that the Pats have only failed to cover the spread once (at Indy). So take this neatly compiled information and bet the fuck out of New England. You'll win money and the only person who likes winning money more than you is the woman you're sleeping with.

Week 1: -6.5 at Jets (won 38-14)
Week 2: -3.5 vs. Chargers (won 38-14)
Week 3: -16.5 vs. Bills (won 38-7)
Week 4: -8.5 at Bengals (won 34-13)
Week 5: -16 vs. Browns (won 34-17)
Week 6: -5.5 at Cowboys (won 48-27
Week 7: -16 at Dolphins (won 49-28)
Week 8: -15 vs. Redskins (won 52-7)
Week 9: -5.5 at Colts (won 24-20 -- didn't cover! World stands still!)
Week 10: Bye (beat Dolphins)
Week 11: -16.5 at Bills (won 56-10)

The Pats play Philadelphia next week. Donovan McNabb will probably get hurt. Tom Brady will probably throw for five touchdowns, run for another and sit out the fourth quarter. Bet away.

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day

Tony Siragusa's Meat of the Day is just what it sounds like: the meat that Siragusa enjoyed Sunday while covering NFL action for FOX. Siragusa's weekly meat will be released on Mondays.

Tony's meat of the day: pepperoni

Last week: King Cotton thick sliced bologna.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Barry Bonds did some lying

We'd be shocked if Bonds ends up in jail, but this indictment certainly isn't good news.

Seeing how Barry's been the face of our favorite team since we first really fell in love with baseball in 1993, we should be extremely disappointed. Really though, we're pretty indifferent.

He took some steroids, hit some home runs and has the biggest fucking head we've ever seen. But good news is, we won't be hearing about steroids this offseason. Oh fuck.

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Brady Leaf.

I mean, have you ever played organized football? You looked like your brother out there. A fucking quadriplegic could throw better than you.

Brady Leaf is nobody's friend. If Brady Leaf were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

Pinch your penis, ass clown. That's the last time you'll touch it. Or any one will touch it. You will never feel the warmth of a woman again. The ladies at Oregon will turn to masturbation and lesbianism before sleeping with you. They don't fuck losers.

I don't even like Oregon, but watching you "play" is like watching a fucking glacier melt. Throwing three-yard dump passes with the clock ticking down grinds my gears. That's bullshit, man. Throw it downfield. You should have benched yourself. Jonathan Stewart could play QB better than you.

So enjoy being a failure. It runs in the family.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Big Picture Categories: Pornstars

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Fuck sports for a day. What have sports ever done for you anyway? It won't get your rocks off, that's for sure.

Today's category then will be naming female pornstars. Since there are hundreds of 'em, start off the comments with the famous ones and your personal favorites. We'll then work our way down to the barely legal ones who you'd likely catch herpes from just by being in the same room as them. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up gets to star in "A Few Hard Men."

We'll being with a hotty (and former Cowboys cheerleader -- see, this is a sports site): Kira Kener.

All right, sports fans. Show off your porn knowledge in the comments.

Playboy takes a page from our book

Our friends at Playboy (note: Playboy is every man's friend, but we have actually been in talks with Playboy trying to put together some good stuff for the upcoming Playboy U) clearly read this site and have put together a contest of hot sportscasters. (Link won't get your fired from work, but conversely will not make you want to rub one out).

Playboy's contest isn't as crass as ours and doesn't suggest that Rachel Nichols is a lesbo, but still, this is our turf.

Anyway, go vote or something. We'll be pulling for Hazel Mae. We somehow think she knows to cup the balls.

(Reach-arounds for Awful Announcing and With Leather).

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The 49ers couldn't score with an Indonesian hooker

The 49ers are pathetic. Pull your pubes out one by one pathetic. And after a 24-0 loss to the Seahawks, where San Francico may or may not have had positive yardage, it's time for finger pointing. And fucking ultimatums.

Here it is: if the Niners run the Spread Option for one full half of real, NFL football, we won't drop an F-bomb for a week.

Why run the Spread Option?

Young Alex Smith used to be a football player before he was drafted by the 49ers. When he played at Utah, he successfully ran the spread under Urban Meyer's innovative offense and led the Utes to an undefeated season and Fiesta Bowl win. With a mobile Smith coupled with Frank Gore, there's enough speed in the backfield to at least attempt running it.

Because NFL defenses are so fast these days, there's a chance that Smith orchestrating the spread option will lead to him being in a coma. But that might not be such a bad thing, though his guaranteed money could fuck the franchise.

Coach Mike Nolan needs to take some hints. Running up the middle isn't working. I-Form isn't fucking working. Young Alex Smith taking the ball under center isn't fucking working. So try something new.

It might fail miserably. It might work wonderfully and we'll be asked to be an offensive consultant for the rest of the season. Just give it a chance. If the 49ers do, we'll clean up the language and fucking write this site in perfect prose and iambic pentameter.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Happy Veteran's Day

We're not really sure the difference between Labor Day, Memorial Day and Veteran's Day, but any chance to get a three-day weekend is awesome.

We're traveling today, so enjoy the lovely Denise and we'll see ya tomorrow.

Enjoy the day off, knuckleheads.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

People who wear sunglasses inside. I mean, what the fuck? Is the sun shining in the restaurant? Can you not do your bicep curls without your shades on?

Unless you don't have a left eye or something, take your fucking glasses off inside.

I mean, whaddya want? You want attention? You want me to look at you because you're wearing fucking sunglasses indoors? You want me to tell you that you have good form when you do squats?

I was at the gym and there was this douche-gremlin with sunglasses on. It was fucking dark outside, so unless this guy was sensitive to 100-watt light bulbs, he was grinding my fucking gears. Maybe he got his ass kicked and didn't want to show his black eye. But F that. Be a man. Show your war marks. Don't cover that up with sunglasses. That's what makeup's for, sweetheart.

You gonna wear your glasses to the bar? Is that a fashion statement? You know what else is a fashion statement? Jeans and fucking blazer. Try that next time.

So take your sunglasses of inside and show your pretty little eyes.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Holy Shit!

Bored? Need a change in your life? Kinda need to take a dump? Look no further.
Police in Naples, Fla., are on the lookout for users of "jenkem," a homemade drug created by allowing human urine and feces to ferment in a bottle with a balloon covering the opening. Users inhale the released methane gas from the balloon to get a "euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine, but with strong hallucinations of times past."
This seems like the perfect thing for Mike Vick to do in prison. And it's a helluva lot cheaper than blow.

[There's a good chance this is just a hoax, but we highly encourage you try for yourself.]