Thursday, January 31, 2008

Mr. Kool-Aid doesn't have a back pocket. But what if he could? What if he could?

What do the days of the week mean? Mon-day. Tues-day. Wednes-day. Thurs-day. Fri-day. Satur-day. Sun-day.

It would make more sense the days were called Workday, Secondworkday, Stillfuckingworkday, Theresnotenoughboozeintheworldforthisday, Almostweekendbutstillworkday, Funday and Restday.


That dotted line, which signifies a change in thought, looks like the beginning of a hangman game.

Kids probably shouldn't play hangman. It sends mixed messages about word puzzles.


Storming the court is one of the coolest tradition in sport. Kansas State gets a 9.3 for its storming after beating KU. That was a good rushing of the court.

How do you get a 10.0? Tear those motherfuckers down. In football they tear down the goalposts. In basketball, they just come out on the court? Bullshit. Cause some destruction.


We have to submit our absentee ballot tomorrow (Almostweekendbutstillworkday). We don't know who to vote for. (Thoughts?)

If a candidate suggested changing the name of Thursday to Theresnotenoughboozeintheworldforthisday, said candidate has our vote.


Why don't all pants come with pockets? Not talking about jeans, khakis, etc. But sweats. And athletic pants and shorts. Pockets should be mandatory.

If I went to the gym with my athletic shorts that don't have pockets, where do I put my membership card? Where does my iPod go? What if I want to play pocket pool?

Just imagine life with pockets. And a removable back pocket. That would be huge.

The ad slogan: "What if you could? Yeah. What if you could?"


Here's a neat story about the adopted son and grandson of infamous cult leader Jim Jones. We usually like Gary Smith's work more, but this piece is interesting, nonetheless.

Kool-Aid used to be good when you were like 5. Absolutely nothing about the spelling of Kool-Aid makes sense.

Though the Kool-Aid man could nail any cartoon character he wanted.


This dividing line isn't as long as the other ones because it isn't a complete subject change.

If you could bang any cartoon character, who would it be?

Our list:

1. Jessica Rabbit (hotter than most pornstars)
2. Daphne from Scooby Doo (closet freak)
3. April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
4. Ariel from The Little Mermaid
5. Belle from Beauty and the Beast


If we read one more thing about Tom Brady's fucking ankle, we're going to go all Philip Rivers on someone.

The media is making the Super Bowl (as always) one of the worst weeks in sports.


The rule in the NBA where a timeout gives a team the ball at halfcourt is the silliest rule in sports. Do they have a timeout in the NFL where you advance to field goal range for a game-winner?

Bron Bron got the ball at halfcourt, passed Go, collected $200 and hit the game-winner. Would've been much tougher had he been forced to go the length of the court.

Silly rule.


Ever consider legally changing your name? We haven't given it nearly enough thought.

If we could, we'd go with: Bigge Cauck.

Or change the spelling of our name to Xaque. Think about it.


We're just three days away from Super Bowl Restday! Get excited!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Big Picture Categories: Super Bowl MVPs

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.


With XLII just a few days away, we're starting to get Super Bowl fever. We have our potato chips, deep fryer and butt groove ready. To get even more in the mood, today's category will be naming all the Super Bowl MVPs. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. One -- one! -- answer per comment, assbags. If you look these up at some reference site or something, your penis will fall off. Honor system, people. First person to mess up has to deep fry a beer.

We'll start with a random one: Dexter Jackson (Tampa Bay, Super Bowl XXXVII).

All right, Super Bowl nuts. Brag about your useless knowledge in the comments.

Santana accepts trade to Mets to save goatee

In a blockbuster move that shocked the baseball world yesterday, Johan Santana waived his no trade clause to accept a trade to the Mets pending a physical and a contract extension. Many people have questioned why the Twins would take the Mets trade offer when the players offered by other large market teams like the Yankees and Red Sox were superior.

Sources close to The Big Picture have confirmed that the Twins were set to accept the offer from the Yankees, rumored to include star pitching prospect Phil Hughes, a potential ace, but the trade was nixed by Santana. The reason Santana wouldn't go to the Bronx? They would have made him shave his goatee.

The Yankees have a history of making the more wild haired members of the baseball world look like total pussies, including the most infamous of the bunch, Jason Giambi. Santana evidently had no interest in giving in to the aesthetic requirements of the Yankees.

Rumors have it that not only does Santana think he's pretty fly with the facial hair, but that his goatee is actually the secret to his great success that has garnered him two American League Cy Young Awards. It may even have secret powers.

Santana now takes those secret powers to Queens to play for the Mets, making sure he's as close as possible to the team that he spurned. The Mets now appear once again to be a front runner to take the National League crown, goatees included.


Movie Review: The Game Plan

The fine folks at Disney contacted us a few weeks ago about promoting the release of the new "sports" flick, The Game Plan. They offered us some money, blow and 15 minutes with Minnie Mouse to do "anything." Naturally we accepted.

So, The Game Plan. Yeah. It has The Rock in it. And Roselyn Sanchez. Roselyn Sanchez is fucking hot! And she plays a ballerina instructor. She basically struts around in tight pants and skimpy tank tops for most of her scenes. And you can totally see her nipples at one point! Schwing!

Oh. The movie. Let's let Disney take it away:
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stars as Joe Kingman, the high-living star quarterback for the Boston Rebels. Kingman is called upon to make his most important play in a position for which he has no practice when his seven year-old daughter unexpectedly shows up on his doorstep.
You can pretty much predict how this one ends up. And the daughter is one of the most fucking annoying girls in the history of acting. If The Rock would've thrown her off the Empire State Building, few would've faulted him.

She's rude, obnoxious and conniving. All by age 7. By the time she's 18, she'll probably have broken more hearts than Jessica Simpson.

The Rock is fine. We think he's better suited for steroids commercials or touching other men in a wrestling match, but he has some charm in this.

Charm. That's a good word to describe The Game Plan. It's charming. We'll leave it at that.

The Ladies... had the same offer from Disney, so read their much better review here.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears? People who write dashes instead of swear words, like f--- or sh--.

That's bullshit. I know what you're saying. What do those dashes do that the actual letters don't? It's like if I wrote, "I went to t-- store to buy some m--k." It doesn't make any fucking sense.

I've often seen headlines in newspaper or on websites that read something like, "Brady is a real b-tch," or "Manning is a f---ing douchenob." The article or whatever then proceeds to swear like Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa. That makes as much sense as Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End. If you're going to use naughty language in the body of the story, why avoid it in the headline?

It's not that swearing is a good thing. I'm the last person to condone that shit. But if you're going to swear, come out and say it. Your dashes don't fool me, man. I'm easily fooled, but I'm not falling for you game this time.

So liberate yourself. Speak your mind. Say the real words. It'll make everybody feel better. No secrets, no dirty laundry, no holding back. Let yourself go. The world will be a better place.

Dwyane Wade is happy to smile for the camera...

...But it won't come at a small price. From the Miami Herald via Ben Maller:
Dwyane Wade was celebrating his 26th birthday with about 20 family members at DeVito South Beach when an unidentified Canadian man approached general manager Chris Cuomo and asked to meet Wade in exchange for paying half of Wade's $4,500 bill. Wade had the fan sent to his table and took a photo with him.

There ya go, folks. Wanna take a photo with an NBA star? It'll only cost you $2,250.

We once stood in an empty waiting area at a restaurant with A-Rod. He had a camera and asked to take a picture with us, but seeing as our bill was only about 100 bucks, we declined.

Really though, we did stand in a waiting area with A-Rod a while back around when he signed that $252 million deal. We nearly asked him to buy our meal, but thought better of it.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Sub-aqua ice hockey: all the cool kids are doing it

If you're an extreme sports enthusiast or just looking for a way to kill yourself but make it look accidental, sub-aqua ice hockey is for you. Reuters reports:
Sub-aqua ice hockey is the latest craze for extreme sports enthusiasts

Forget ice skates, helmets and padding, all you need to have a go at sub-aqua ice hockey is a wet suit, flippers and a good set of lungs.

Played under the ice of a frozen lake and upside down, the sport is proving to be a big hit among extreme sports enthusiasts.
After banging head against a brick wall, playing sub-aqua ice hockey would probably be No. 7 on the list of things not to do. It would move to No. 4 if they threw some sharks in the rink.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Thursday is one day closer to Friday than Wednesday

We had to improvise with our editorial plans for today. We have a really awesome Blogger Interview lined up that we were going to run today, but instead we're going to run it tomorrow.


That dotted line signifies a change in thought.


Do you ever wonder what it'd be like to have two dicks?

We don't ask that hypothetically. What if you really had two dicks? Would that not be the most awesome thing in the history of history?

You could masturbate twice as much.

Women might find you weird.


Baylor is our new favorite team. We're going to root for them in everything they do that isn't against the Washington Huskies.

Five OTs is 25 minutes of free basketball. The players probably felt like Gumby afterwards, but they put on a helluva show.

Probably should be spelled probabbabbly.


Our Presidential vote is up in the air. Whichever candidate (in our registered party) says that the work week will now be Monday through Thursday has our vote.


Here are two funny pictures from reader JMC's Flickr page.

Flickr should have an E in it.


We play in a Pac-10 fantasy basketball league at work.

Ten teams, five players per team. Scoring is like this: 1 point per point; 1.5 points per rebound; 2.5 points per assist.

That makes guys like Jon Brockman, Kevin Love and Ryan Anderson hugely valuable because they're all good for a double-double every time out.

Our top player is O.J. Mayo. (We got him at No. 4 behind Brockman, Anderson and Love). He should stop hanging out with Carmelo Anthony. The party they were at was probably pretty fun if 'Melo stayed up past his bedtime.


We don't really understand tennis -- how it works or why people like it. It seems redundant, no? Suppose basketball is too. OK, throw that last point out.

We watched both women's semifinals matches of the Australian Open. People have been talking how all four are total hotties.

We'd need a pitcher of Long Islands and some date rape drugs before we served any of them.

Though the one with the white outfit in the second semi (starts with an H, ends with a OVA???) totally had hard nipples. Hot.

The other one was sweating from her breasts.


Our buddy Josh of The Beautiful Game brought up a great idea: what if instead of the Super Bowl, the Patriots played the NFC Pro Bowl team?

That would make for a much better game.

We're not one for predictions, but NE: 31, NFC: 24. A late Favre interception seals it.

Really though, it would be a neat experiment. The Patriots are essentially a Pro Bowl squad already and they have chemistry that you don't see from All-Star teams. And defense. The NFC Pro Bowlers probably don't play defense.


Our boy GMoney of The Money Shot fame had a great suggestion to give a shameless plug for The Hater Nation and its wonderful roast of Georgia Frontiere. That site just doesn't hold back. Spectacular.


Tomorrow is Friday, which is one day closer to Saturday.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Big Picture Categories: Super Bowl sites

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

We're less than two weeks away from the Super Bowl and we're about as it excited for it as we are a trip to the dentist. Nonetheless, it is the Super Bowl which is a great excuse to drink piss beer on a Sunday afternoon. Not that you needed an excuse...

With the big game on the horizon, today's category will be naming all the cities that have hosted a Super Bowl. This is Super Bowl XLII, but with all the repeat cities, we're guessing that there have been about 30 host sites. So let's get 'em all! We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. One -- one! -- answer per comment, assbags. First person to blow it gets to have a run-in with Ray Lewis in a dark alley.

We'll start with a recent one: Detroit (Super Bowl XL).

All right, football fans. Show off your Super Bowl knowledge in the comments.

Eddie Murphy is prophetic

The guy sees the future and shit while being pleasantly entertaining.

We want one of those vests.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

If Philip Rivers died a famous movie death...

Don't read too much in to that headline. We do not want Philip Rivers to die a tragic, gruesome movie death. Frankly you could insert any athlete/sport figure's name who you dislike for Rivers'.

It's just Rivers is sorta in people's minds and he's really a cock-fuck who can go fuck himself. But, we must reiterate for you literal readers out there: we do not want bad things to happen to Rivers beside multiple interceptions and abstinence. This is just a fun way to talk about some awful things that could fictitiously happen to him in a fictitious movie world.

So here's a list! Everyone loves lists. The top 10 ways to die a famous movie death...

10. Alan Rickman falls from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard.

There's nothing like a long fall for Mr. Rivers. And who better to throw his ass out of a window? John McClane. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. You, Philip, are the motherfucker.

9. Jon Voight gets eaten by an Anaconda in Anaconda.

Makes sense that Rivers, a giant dickbag, gets fucked up by an animal that is often used to describe a gigantic penis. Go eat a dick, Phil. Or, in this case, vice versa.

8. John Travolta gets shot while taking a shit in Pulp Fiction.

Rivers is probably like one of those rich guys in that Family Guy episode who claim his bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls. Except this time, you get pumped full of led while taking your pleasant-smelling dump.

7. Elijah Wood gets his limbs cut off in Sin City.

Wood's character in this surprisingly good movie was annoying as hell and the first thing we said when we saw it was, "it'd be cool if this guy gets his limbs sawed off." Low and behold... But hey, it'd cut down on Rivers interception numbers.

6. Jaws explodes in Jaws.

Jaws was a badass. He probably pulled tons of fish pussy. And he went out epically. Rivers doesn't deserve this hero's fall, but getting your shit blown to eight million pieces is savage.

5. Dennis Hopper gets decapitated in Speed.

Yikes. This is like the one cool thing Keanu Reeves ever did. Phil's IQ seems pretty equivalent to Keanu's -- "if this bus slows down, we are all going to die" -- so a wrestling match on top of a speeding train would be pretty entertaining.

4. Steve Buscemi gets axed up and put through a wood chipper in Fargo.

This would make it hard to taunt fans...

3. Bad guy's face melts off in Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This is one of the scariest scenes in cinema. Holy crap this freaked us out when we were 22. Man, imagine seeing this as a kid. Scary as hell. But Rivers sorta resembles our wide-mouthed friend in the photo above, so his face melting would be the obvious next step.

2. Guy gets curbed in American History X.

This is actually pretty fucked up. Yeah, this wouldn't be funny to joke about.

1. Guy gets heart ripped out in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Rivers either doesn't have a heart or it's black and covered in ice. So to call upon the bad guy from Temple of Doom seems appropriate. Pull that shit out and set it on fire. Not like Rivers needs any more fire in him, though.

We're sure we've left some good ones off the list. Yours please in the comments.

Monday, January 21, 2008

We're on the hot seat

The kind gents at Sports Tech Now run a great interview series and posted a fun Q&A with yours truly.

Go read it. Leave a comment. Feel free to make fun of us. We're surprisingly comfortable with it.

Enjoy it now, Giants fans

Remember what happened last time the Giants were in the Super Bowl?

Yeah. Ravens 34, Giants 7. And that was a Baltimore team that didn't have an offense. One's gotta think that New England, on its quest to piss off the rest of the country and go undefeated, is going to make short work of New York.

Unless Brady gets picked off six times, the defense only goes hard for two downs at a time and a few guys get arrested in Phoenix, this game won't be close.

So enjoy it now, Giants fans. There won't be much to cheer about on Feb. 3.

Archie Manning has it good these days

Fuck. Two kids go to the Super Bowl in back-to-back years? He's like the Father of the Decade. You know Archie lives through his two NFLers, so to see each reach the Super Bowl in consecutive years, he's got to be creaming himself.

In fact, you'd think he's taking frequent trips to sperm banks to get more winners out in the world.

Another reason for Bostonians and New Yorkers to want to jab each other in the eye with a pencil

There doesn't seem to be as strong a Boston-New York hatred in football as there is in baseball. But here we are again: a huge game between the two most obnoxious fan bases in the country. The shit talking will be going on for two weeks while the rest of America just sort of shrugs its shoulders and turns the other way.

The happiest Giant? The long snapper.

The only time the long snapper is mentioned is when he fucks up. And he did. But he (and kicker Lawrence Tynes) righted the ship and got the Giants the win.

Thing is, read just about any recap of the game, and we dare you to find the long snapper's name. We just tried and failed. That's why we're not referring to him by name because we don't know who the fuck he is!

Had the Giants lost in OT after missing the very makeable game-winner in regulation, we bet the long snapper's name would've made most articles. Better believe he's happy in his anonymity.

Joe Buck can lie in the middle of the fucking freeway

We know we rip on Buck a ton, enough to merit his own tag, but c'mon, this was the NFC Championship Game, and a fucking good one at that. And we might as well be watching preseason amateur bowling.

Holy fuck is Buck hard to listen to. We had the game on in the background for a while because we had some work to do. The only way we knew what happened was based on the crowd reaction. That's not right.

Does this get Eli off the hook?

It should. Maybe he's taken too much heat all along. But don't think for a second The Hater Nation will let up. No way.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Rumor: Osi Umenyiora likes to give Cleveland Steamers

Cleveland Steamer \Clee-ve-lande-stee-mer\, noun: A Cleveland Steamer is when a man defecates on a woman's chest after some period of intercourse. A variation of this is the "chili dog" which takes the Cleveland Steamer one step further by "titty fucking" the woman using the feces as lubricant.

New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora may have a fetish. According to a model's website (NSFW) found by With Leather and Kissing Suzy Kolber, Umenyiora likes to, ugh, well, hmm, better let her explain.
Now let's talk about Osi Umenyiora of the New York Giants. He does likes it nasty in the bedroom. As a magazine model i get introduced to him last summer in NY by a friend of his who also used to play football for a team that I can't remember. We hooked up and he had an unusual request. He wanted to pee on me. I thought it was weird but I did so because he said he it would really turn him on and he would see me again if I did. After I did so in his bathroom he handled his business and asked me how I liked it. I said, "I don't know how I feel about it. It was kind of crazy."

The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing.
Now there's a very good chance that this actually did happen and Umenyiora gets off by dropping a pile-driver shit on a woman's chest. No way that this is just a swirling Internet rumor. There's all sorts of credibility behind this. C'mon, there's a model who has one blog post about the time she got shat on by an NFL player. She's probably the real Deep Throat.

Sometimes this site writes itself. But this isn't one of those times because this is hard-hitting news. Yes, hard-hitting. Especially if it's a tightly-packed turd.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Big Picture Categories: Quarterback Busts

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

[Editor's note: We're running low on these, so if you have any good future Categories (preferably sports-related), leave a comment or send an email to]

The NFL Draft is right around the corner -- frankly it's like the only sporting event that gets us really excited this time of year, besides March Madness, of course. That's right, fuck the Super Bowl. Corporate bullshit overshadows the game. Anyway, when you think NFL Draft, one of the first things to come to mind is QBs who went bust.

Today's category then will be naming all those first-round quarterbacks that never panned out. What's considered a bust? Well, use your judgment. But if a guy was picked three years ago (2005 Draft) or more recently, he's not eligible. So Young Alex Smith won't count...yet. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up has to convince his team's GM to take on Smith's $50 million contract.

We'll start with another 49er who sucked goat nuts: Jim Druckenmiller.

Let's go, Draft fans. Slang your QB-bust knowledge in the comments.

(Big ups to James of for the idea).

Ines Sainz is a hard-hitting sideline reporter

Meet TV Azteca's Ines Sainz who is a combination of Cindy Crawford, Jenna Jameson and Michelle Tafoya. She's a sideline reporter that looks like a mix of supermodel and pornstar and would give Erin Andrews a run for her money.

Why's she relevant? Because it's Whack-It Wednesday! No, not really. Well, it is Whack-It Wednesday. But pretty much every day is Whack-It Wednesday even if it's not Wednesday.

Actually, Terrell Owens got taped talking to her last week.

T.O.: Hey, Ines. I got a scoop for you.
Ines: OK. (Walks over).
T.O.: Once you go black...
Ines: I've already been.
T.O.: Oh.
Ines: Yeah.
T.O.: My ankle doesn't hurt anymore. I'm 100 percent.
Ines: Sure.

(See more whack material at With Leather).

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sports fan? Avoid these cities

The Big Lead brought up a good question yesterday: what's the most tortured sports city? We'll let them explain the criteria:
What hurts more, a team that hasn’t won a title in 50 years (but is never really close), or a team that hasn’t won in a decade, but is always on the cusp? And the nominees for most Championship-starved city (requirement - minimum of three pro teams necessary).
Their nominees are Cleveland, Atlanta, Dallas, Philadelphia and New York. (Go read The Big Lead's post to get each city's résumé).

OK, fine, whatever. But we think the two cities we call home deserve adequate mention.

Seattle - Seahawks have been in the playoffs five years in a row, made the 2006 Super Bowl, but have never won a championship. Mariners won 116 games in '01, lost ALCS, and haven't been to the playoffs since. No championships. The Sonics won the NBA title in '79, but have only won one playoff series in the last 10 years. UW won the '91 National Championship and, most recently, '01 Rose Bowl, but has been miserable since.

Bay Area - Giants brutally lose 2002 World Series, haven't won WS since 1954. Niners last Super Bowl title came in '94. Only one playoff win in last nine years. Missed playoffs last five years. Warriors' last title came in '75. Haven't been to conference finals since '76. Went 12 seasons without making playoffs before beating Mavs last season. A's haven't won World Series since '89 (beat Giants). Lost ALDS four years in a row, 2000-2003. Cal last played in Rose Bowl in '59, last won Rose Bowl in '38.

Make the case for your tortured sports city in the comments.

Glen Rice beat the shit out of monster in wife's closet

This is a few days old and monsters don't actually exist, but former NBAer Glen Rice found himself in some legal trouble after he kicked the hell out of a man (likely nude) hiding in his estranged wife's closet.
Former Miami Heat star Glen Rice was arrested Friday on a felony battery charge after police say he beat a man he found hiding in his estranged wife's closet.

Rice went to the home of estranged wife Christina Rice and punched Alberto Perez several times, police said. Perez fled the home and called police. He received a cut to his forehead that needed nine stitches, police said.
Just like a scene out of The Last Boy Scout, an awesome '90s shoot-'em-up with Damon Wayans as a washed up, coked-up former football star, Bruce Willis as a tired, disgruntled detective and Halle Berry as a stripper. (You get to see her cans, sorta. NSFW video action here!)

Anyway, Bruce Willis goes into his estranged (perhaps divorced?) wife's house, talks to her, gets all detective-y, sees the toilet seat up in the bathroom, opens the closet, sees his best friend (or something like that) naked, knocks him around, and then said best friend gets blown up in a car by the bad guys.

The moral of the story? The guy who got his ass kicked by Glen Rice is going to get blown up by the bad guys from The Last Boy Scout.

Oh, and Rice's wife is a total MILF. Why Glen ever let her become estranged boggles the mind. We'll happily get our ass kicked by him to hump with her.

Monday, January 14, 2008

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears? These new game shows.

TV programming is getting butt slammed by the writer's strike, so networks are turning towards cheap, easy-to-produce television which has resulted in the stupidest fucking shows ever. (Note: I haven't watched any of them, I'm simply playing the odds, inherently knowing that watching porn with six other dudes would be more enjoyable than watching 1 vs. 100).

Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? Who the fuck are you to ask me that, FOX? Is the sky blue? Is your shit brown? I'm in fucking 18th grade, if such a thing existed. I'm smarter than a fucking 7th grader at least, asshole.

There's also Duel, which is hosted by Mike Greenberg. Super.

And CBS' Power of 10 is actually about my cock.

This new wave of primetime game shows is dragging the good name of classic game shows through the dirt. Remember the good ol' days of Family Feud (not the version with Louie Anderson. He's more annoying than hangnails. Ray Combs was the fucking man!), The $10,000 Pyramid and the original The Price is Right? Those shows were a.) awesome and b.) not in fucking primetime. I could watch those when I was sick and stayed home from school and then I could watch my fucking 90210 and Seinfeld at night, when real TV is supposed to be on.

These writers on strike are really bending over the collective TV audience. They fucking grind my gears as much as the shitty programming that's a result.

The answer to all of this is really porn. Just go out and rent lots of pornography. Or watch sports, which has always been the best game show of them all.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

American Gladiators Welcomes Corporate Sponsors

The new American Gladiators debuted this week on NBC, and was a hit among adults 18-49, the prime targets of advertisers. Due to this strong start, the network has quickly decided to infuse future episodes of the program with corporate sponsorship, product placements, and related tie-ins. The first agreement will make-over the Joust event, finally allowing the Gladiators who fight with giant Q-Tips to actually use giant Q-Tips®.

NBC reached an agreement with the Q-Tips® brand, and parent company Unilever, to create giant Q-Tips® to be used in place of the pugil sticks that have been a staple of the Joust event since the series' conception in 1989. The event itself will change little, other than the name which will change from simply "Joust," to "Joust presented by Q-Tips®."

Other events will also receive similar corporate sponsorship. Although not yet confirmed by NBC, sources indicate that the following agreements are in negotiation:

-Assault will now use exclusively Wilson brand tennis balls and will be known as "Wilson® Assault."

-Hang Tough will become "The Krazy Glue® Hang Tough Event."

-Hit and Run will be sponsored by Geico car insurance and the Geico gecko will be painted on all the demolition balls.

-Powerball will become "Powerball presented by the Multi-State Lottery Association" and will feature winning lotto numbers being drawn based on the balls used to score during the event.

-The Eliminator will become the "Depend® Eliminator" with the new slogan: The Obstacle Course so difficult, it might make you go in your pants.

-And of course the show itself will change titles to "American Gladiators presented by BALCO."


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Big Picture Categories: ESPN Analysts

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

[Editor's note: We're running low on these, so if you have any good future Categories (preferably sports-related), leave a comment or send an email to]

When you start breaking down the big games, there are none better than the gargantuan crew of ESPN analysts. They range from bull riding to the law and everything in between. Most of them are pretty good, though there are those few former athletes who can't properly form a sentence or speak coherently.

Since we've been seeing plenty of ESPN "talent" on TV lately with the NFL playoffs, BCS shit and the NBA in full swing, today's category will be naming all analysts on ESPN and the ESPN family of networks. Let's keep this current, meaning everyone's favorite, Harold Reynolds, doesn't count. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to blow it gets to play spin the bottle with Sean Salisbury.

We'll start with one of our favorites: Kirk Herbstreit.

All right, TV fans. Spill your ESPN knowledge in the comments.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

A FOX producer was either in a marching band or plugged up a band member with a clarinet

Our friends at Awful Announcing told you all about how ridiculous FOX's coverage of the Orange Bowl was last week. According to AA, FOX cameras found a band member from either team 110 times, which is about 108 times too many.

Things weren't much better for Monday's National Championship. Those fucking bands were on TV more than the teams. We didn't count the shots, but it was probably about two hundred thousand. Bloody hell.

American Pie told you all the goodies that happen at band camp, so we were crossing our fingers we'd get a shot of a trumpet player getting sodomized with a trombone or a shot of the sultry saxophonist getting a facial from the drum line.

Meanwhile, after about 900 looks at the Ohio State band, we've fully decided they are dressed more appropriately for war than for football. They look like the French fucking army. Those berets are a combination of hideous and horrendous.

But hey, Thom Brennaman was fucking great. The same enthusiasm you'd hear for a preseason game. Thanks, Thom.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Monday Night Football, without Kornheiser being awkward with some fucking random halftime guest

Photos courtesy of Big Ten Poon and SEC Poon.

There's a football game tonight. We'd be lying if we said we were excited. Really just wanted an excuse to show those LSU girls again.

Feel free to leave your picks for the game (all LSU, right?), and how many Long Islands you'd need to do the Ohio State girls.

UNC escapes Clemson, Lou Gossett Jr. look-alike

On the left is Clemson coach Oliver Purnell who has a website and blog and an orange blazer that he wore when his Tigers took on North Carolina Sunday night. Brutal loss for the Tigers, by the way. That Wayne Ellington sure can play.

On the right, is famed actor Louis Gossett Jr. who you probably know best from the "Iron Eagle" movies. Though our fondest memory of Lou is from "Toy Soldiers," a fucking awesome semi-shoot-'em-up with an early Sean Astin as a bad ass before he sold out and became a fucking elf or whatever he was in those Ring movies.

We haven't quite gotten in to the spirit of college hoops yet (anyone share that same sentiment?), though Sunday's ACC thriller certainly was fun. But for how much the BCS ruins college football, that every-game-counts mentality definitely makes the regular season interesting. Even though conference play has begun, we're just not sold on the story lines yet. Maybe it's just a down year. Thoughts?

Though our Washington Huskies (5-13 from the line won't beat a top-5 team, dammit!) have given us reason early on to tear our apartment apart...what reader JMC refers to as an "Ikea game." Think about it...

Snoozer of an NFL Sunday

Some things that might have been more entertaining than either of Sunday's playoff games:

-playing Checkers with your dog
-taking a perfect, one-wipe shit
-making objects out of clouds
-listening to Joe Buck call a city council meeting
-local car commercials on loop

On a related note, we fucking hate Philip Rivers. Lot of talk for a guy who isn't really an established stud yet. His arrogance and cockiness is completely uncalled for.

We would do some fucked up shit to him involving a lead pipe, rope or wrench if we ever came across him in the kitchen, library or billiards room.

We didn't really watch either game, for said reasons above, like they were more boring than watching your fingernails grow. Instead we had a Lost Season 3 marathon and thought about masturbating.

Friday, January 04, 2008

There are still two more bullshit bowl games

Once upon a time, in a land of chocolate waterfalls, talking animals and rainbows made of cake frosting, lame bowl games were played in December.

Those simpler times are, unfortunately, long gone. With the conclusion of the non-championship BCS games, we should be gearing up for the final college football game of the 2007-08 season. But wait, jolly chaps, there are still two lousy games to go.

Saturday is the International Bowl, a boner-popping match up between Rutgers and Ball State -- in Toronto! Whoa! Toronto!

And Sunday, ditch the NFL playoffs for Bowling Green vs. Tulsa in the GMAC Bowl.

Speaking of the GMAC Bowl, remember the '01 game between East Carolina and Marshall? Fucking awesome game. Marshall, behind Byron Leftwich, came from about 100 points down and the teams combined for about 800,000 points with the Thundering Herd edging the Pirates in double OT. But perhaps the best thing about that one: it was played on Dec. 19!

Meanwhile, ESPN and FOX Sports are reporting the BCS Championship game is going to be played Monday in New Orleans. We somehow think Chris Mortensen and Jay Glazer combined for the scoop.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Blogger Interviews: Chris Mottram

We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

On the hot seat today is Chris Mottram of the recently-started The Sporting Blog at Sporting News; a blog with the corporate backing we all long for. He also co-writes Mr. Irrelevant with his brother, Jamie. Chris is like from the first family of blogging, if such a thing exists. So make sure you let him have it in the comments.

1. The rundown:

Name: Christopher Andrew Mottram aka C-Mott aka Lil’ Train aka Doctor aka Lil’ Pistol Starter
Age: 25
Location: Charlotte, NC (Northern VA at heart)
Occupation: Community Product Manager,
Favorite team: Redskins, Nationals, Orioles, Maryland, Mason, Wiz (in that order)
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5)

Because I don’t really feel like digging through three years worth of Saved By the Blog content, I’ll limit it to just my favorites since my brother and I joined in July to re-launch Mr. Irrelevant.

The Dead Tree Crew Gives Exclusive, All Access Look at Their Notorious Tailgate

Urlacher Tit Grab Girl Is on 'Rock of Love'

Hot Fitteds

I realize that last link is kinda cheating, but I’m quite proud of all the Hot Fitted entries. Look for that series to make a comeback in some form soon (that’s what we call a “tease” in the biz).

Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere: About 10 hours.

2. We're quite curious how you landed at Sporting News. But first take us through your time in college, meaning. we want to know what you studied, internships, first jobs, what bosses you slept with, etc.

This exchange from “Tommy Boy” applies quite literally to my college experience:

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors.

I too went to school for seven years. And I only have a Bachelor’s degree.

I attended four different schools, and changed my major as many times. In order, I went to the University of Rhode Island, Northern VA Community College, Blue Ridge Community College, and George Mason University.

I majored in Sport Management at Mason, mostly because it was easier than anything else (no math or language requirements), and it had “sport” in the title. Needless to say, school was never my thing.

Writing always was, however. I was the front page editor of my (award winning, I might add, no big deal) high school newspaper. During my three years at Mason, I was an intern at AOL where I started Show Me Your Blog -- later called Saved By the Blog -- in 2004 and co-hosted “Sports Bloggers Live” with my brother, among other, less exciting, duties.

I have never hooked up with any of my bosses that you know of.

3. Now that that's established, how'd you hook up with Sporting News and create the awesome new The Sporting Blog?

Once I graduated from Mason, I could no longer suck on AOL’s corporate teet as an intern. I was thanked for my three years of service there by not being offered a job.

After being unemployed for about a month (blogging is A LOT easier without a job or school to worry about) I came to Charlotte to interview for the position of Blogging Overlord (paraphrased). I found out about the position from Shawn Schrager, who had been at for a couple months as their Director of Product Development. I worked with him at AOL and on “Sports Bloggers Live.”

I was offered the position, accepted it, and moved to Charlotte in late October.

As for The Sporting Blog, it’s still in “beta” mode, if you will. We’re still bringing in contributors (already have EDSBS’ Orson Swindle, No Mas’ Large and AA’s Brian Powell writing for it), and figuring out the exact direction of the Blog.

Although “the Internet does not need another sports blog” is mockingly hidden within TSB’s header, we’re hoping that’s not entirely true. I think there’s a place for us, and we’re still trying to carve it out. With the bloggers we have, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

We will also be launching First Cuts sometime after the New Year. I’m pretty excited (see also: stoked) about that blog. It will cover “sports culture,” to put it simply. Clothes, shoes, cars, hot fitteds, etc.

I feel like you’re being sarcastic when you say “awesome new The Sporting Blog.” Are you? If so, this interview is over.

4. Are you edited at SN or do you have the same liberties you do at Mr. Irrelevant?

I’m definitely edited, as is to be expected. I was reprimanded during the second week of The Sporting Blog’s existence for referring to a high school coach as a “fascist.” But the fact of the matter was that the coach was a fucking fascist, so I didn’t think it was too bad. I understood where they were coming from though. [Takes sip of corporate kool-aid.]

5. Take us through a typical day of blogging. Balancing The Sporting Blog and Mr. Irrelevant is probably time consuming, no?

I’m either blogging or searching for things to blog about from the time I arrive at work until when I leave. I try to post on Mr. Irrelevant in the evenings once I get home, but I’m usually drunk, asleep or drunk and asleep anytime after about 6 p.m. This would be why Mr. I is back to being almost all Jamie lately.

I love Mr. Irrelevant though, so getting back to posting more often there is, like, a goal of mine, or something.

6. Dream job? Go.

Senior Editor of Blogs & Community at Yahoo! Sports. The guy who currently holds that position has his head up his ass.

7. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few of your favorites?

I’d so much rather just list the ones that irritate the shit out of me, but then I’d make enemies, and I have enough of those already.

So let’s stay positive. My favorites would have to be, but not limited to, D.C Sports Bog, We Are the Postmen, Deadspin, With Leather, Awful Announcing, 100% Injury Rate, EDSBS, Hogs Haven, Scott Van Pelt Style, Bugs & Cranks, Sports by Brooks, KSK…shit, maybe I should just send you a screen grab of my Bloglines.

8. How'd you go about promoting the new SN digs? Email blasts? Word of mouth? And, if you'd be so kind, a piece of advice to some smaller sites how to build an audience.

First off, I would never do email blasts, so don’t insult me like that. People who do email blasts should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. In case I’m not being clear here, I hate email blasts.

I have, however, shamelessly begged certain people (Will Leitch) for links. Other than that, I live by the same rules that all new sites should: If you build it, they will come. Post frequently. But it’s also about quality. Some sites (again, I’m not going to name names) don’t get that. Making 15 posts a day that are complete shit is not better than making three really great ones.

I guess what I’m saying is post a lot and don’t be shitty. Sorry, unlike my brother, I’m not good with the advice stuff.

And for the record, The Sporting Blog is still a “smaller site” itself. Sure, it has corporate backing, but the numbers aren’t changing the world. Yet.

9. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?

Most rewarding: When Hot Clicks features one of your posts. Most Frustrating: When Hot Clicks doesn’t feature one of your posts.

10. This might be a loaded question, but, in your opinion, what's the future of sports blogs? Enlighten us.

I can’t say for sure, but I’m hoping it involves YouTube videos in full 1080i HD quality. That would be awesome.

11. You're having dinner with four people -- two athletes, one hot chick and a dead president. Name 'em. And, of course, why?

This is a tough question. What is the hot chick’s reason for being there? Is she my significant other, or just a friend? Because if I’m going to get to sleep with her after we eat, then I’m gonna go with someone smokin’ hot who likely has a shitty personality and an annoying voice. If it’s just a friend, then I’ll go with a cool and funny chick, assuming that exists.

And do the athletes have to be alive? If so, do they have to be in their current state? In other words, can I go with 1982 Joe Gibbs, or would I have to go with 2007 Joe Gibbs?

Forget it. I’m just complicating a rather straightforward question, so here goes: Allison Stokke, Anna Kornikova, Elisha Dushku, and JFK. This way I have three hot chicks and one dude who probably knows more hot chicks.

(Past interviews; also found on right sidebar: Dawizofodds; Matt Ufford; The Mighty MJD; Jamie Mottram; The Big Lead; The Cavalier; Will Leitch; Dan Shanoff; Dan Steinberg; Brooks; Unsilent Majority; J.E. Skeets; Henry Abbott; The Dugout; NFL Adam; Bethlehem Shoals; Orson Swindle; Big Daddy Drew; Brian Cook; Awful Announcing; JoeSportsFan; Matt Mosley).

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Big Picture Categories: Sports families

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

No too relevant, but damn, there are a lot of families who have had multiple members play sports. Brothers, father and sons, cousins...sports are a big, incestuous community.

Today's category will be naming all players, coaches, etc. who have had a relative play in a professional sports league. Let's keep it to the big four (MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL). Relatives don't have to have played at the same time. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to fuck up has to pound some bottom-shelf vodka and chase it with bottom-shelf gin.

We'll start with an obvious one: the Griffeys.

All right, people. Spit your knowledge of sports' best families in the comments.