Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Best: college football helmet

Welcome to "The Best," a new series from the people who brought you "Would You Do," "Blogger Interviews" and "What Really Grinds My Gears."

It's just what it sounds like: what's the best ______? "Best" is such a subjective word and that's really the point -- let's get you guys talking! If this works, there will be intelligent, thoughtful debate on the day's topic. And if it doesn't work, well, back to the drawing board.

College football starts today! HOLY SHIT! OMG!!!! AGGGHHH!!!! If eight and a half months without college football hasn't got you drooling over the upcoming season, perhaps some good uniform talk will.

But rather than talk about a full uni, let's stay specific to one part: the helmet. It's the most recognizable feature of any football uniform and can make or break a team's look.

So, the best college football helmet?

Some things to consider:

-tradition/history of helmet

Here's how we'd go:

5. Alabama
4. Michigan
3. Georgia
2. Texas
1. Penn St.

Debate away.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Chiefs take Jay Feely on emotional roller coaster

You might say it's been an up-and-down summer for NFL kicker Jay Feely. Despite drilling 21-of-23 field goals last year for Miami, he was cut two weeks back as the Dolphins attempt to get younger.

Not surprisingly, the veteran was picked up -- by the Chiefs, two days ago. Happy day for Jay. Monday, August 25: A life starts anew. From The Kansas City Star: "Chiefs hope veteran kicker Feely helps."

Why that's exactly what he must've been thinking: "I'm a darn good kicker, dammit, I can help." And to help a team whose kickers made only 66.7% of their kicks last year couldn't be too hard. Besides, he would only have to beat out Nick Novak and Connor Barth.

Jay Feely: A life back on track. A journeyman kicker in a new home with a new team. His team. His time.

Then this from The Star on Tuesday: "Feely's out of here."

Oh. Hell. Cut one day after being signed. Losing out to Nick Novak and Connor Barth. These are hard times for Jay Feely. We hope he's not pointing to anyone particular in that photo. After yesterday, we're not sure anyone is pointing back.

Pretty awful day for A-Rod

So you're in a pennant race (sort of), you're the best player in the game (maybe) and you're battling your heated rival for the final time at your historic park (true).

You're Alex Rodriguez and things are fine. Until you go 0-for-5 with two strikeouts and two double plays, leave seven on base, commit an error, and lose the game to Boston to fall six games back of the wild card.

Oh, and you get booed throughout the game, drop to 1-for-10 on the season with the bases loaded and continue an August slump that has your team headed for an early autumn vacation for the first time since 1993.

Yow! So, Yankees done? Does A-Rod bounce back from one of his worst days as a pro to take the team into October. We don't think so. You?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

In other news, Beethoven told to stop composing

By now you've probably seen this story. You know, the one about the 9-year-old pitcher in Connecticut who was told to stop pitching because he was too good (that's him over there). This is ridiculous. What's he supposed to do? Move to another town where the other kids aren't so damn crappy? Maybe these wimps should suck it up and learn to hit some real pitching. Maybe these parents should get over themselves. I got it, tell a bunch of kids that are lousy to stop playing because they're not good enough. Wouldn't that be nice? Idiots.

This just in: I.M. Pei told to stop designing buildings, Ron Jeremy told to stop fucking, and God asked (very politely) to stop being so almighty.

It's time we start talking about college football

That's a photo of some of the Preseason All-Americans, highlighted by Ohio State's James Laurinaitis on the right, doing some Rock Band action. Our money has them playing along to either "Cherub Rock" by the Smashing Pumpkins or "Epic" by Faith No More. But it could be "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet.

The picture comes courtesy of our friends at Playboy and you can see many more photos of the All-America weekend at PlayboyU. And because it's college football time -- the first game is in two days! -- Playboy has its college football preview edition out on newsstands, which is sorta like the SI and ESPN editions, except with naked pictures.

We're not really into doing team-by-team previews or predictions, but we do like to talk about college football because college football is fun and we like fun.

So, let's just talk on a broad level.

Teams to beat? National Championship contenders? Biggest offensive threats? Darkhorses?

We'll just say this, because we feel like we only ever have about one decent point to make about anything: we'll be shocked if Ohio State isn't in its third-straight National Title game.

The Buckeyes will lose to USC in a primetime game in LA on Sept. 13, but then they'll run the table against a disgustingly-weak Big 10 (Wisconsin on the road will be their biggest test) and get back to the BCS championship game with one-loss and a date with _____?

(Our guess is a two-loss Florida.)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Osi Umenyiora out for season; more time for Cleveland Steamers

Osi Umenyiora, of New York Giants and Cleveland Steamer fame, is going to miss the upcoming NFL season with a knee injury.

We'll let the Yahoo! report sum it up:
Osi Umenyiora is out for the season with a knee injury.

This is devastating news for the defending champs as they'll now be without a Pro Bowl blah blah blah...

Osi Umenyiora once shat on a girl! Like what the fuck! That's degrading and awful and crass and animalistic and...fuck! Osi Umenyiora once dropped a duke on a woman! We find this inherently the funniest thing ever.

This kind of reminds us about our own bowel movements. If we were to defecate on a woman -- which we wouldn't, by the way, because we have all sorts of issues with shitting when women are present and it's horribly degrading -- it would be like an hour-long process.

Osi shits on a woman for pure, sexual pleasure. Nothing about our shits are pleasurable. Not even close. It's like we would do our thing on her chest (which, again, we absolutely would never do) and she would be like, "you're an asshole, but let's move on." And we'd be like, "baby, it's gonna be a while. Maybe you should go for a run or read a magazine or go to a movie or something cuz this is gonna take a bit."

So, yeah, Osi Umenyiora is out for the year and the Giants' pass rush isn't going to be very good.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Olympic outfits are pretty hot, athletes in them are not

We, the model citizens of appropriateness and good judgment, would never ever take note of a female athlete’s body or the clothing that accentuates it. Not us. You must be thinking of someone else. Lots of perverts out there.

That’s why we have not even remotely noticed that many of the Olympic events showcase scantily-clad athletes. Women, namely. Scantily-clad women. We like women.

Track, gymnastics and beach volleyball. Each event features women in revealing attire, skin-tight clothing or little covering at all. This concept is good. Because, as said before, we like women. We like good-looking women.

Thing is, many of the aforementioned events feature athletes who are
A. Not hot
B. Old
C. Illegal

These are not traits we desire in women who are half naked. When we look at these women and get a little half-woody in our trousers we feel like perverts. We don’t like perverts. We like women.

Can Usain Bolt catch a football?

We know, we know: Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt is super-mega-ultra fast. Like lightning, they say. He's a lightning Bolt.

You know this, we know this, the world knows this. Good.

But does the NFL know this? Or, to put it another way, does Bolt know that his speed could be a huge weapon on a football field?

We don't know if the kid can catch (or knows what football is, for that matter), but if he could, wouldn't he make for an intriguing wide receiver prospect? If he can catch, and could translate his straight-ahead speed into diagonal cuts and breaks, what defensive back could cover him?

Those are some big "ifs," sure, but there has to be a number of teams out there intrigued by the raw speed of the world's fastest man.

And with his show-boating tendencies, he'll fit right in with other NFL wideouts. Or we'll just see Chad Johnson doing the "lightning bolt" after scoring TDs this season.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Weighing in on the Olympics coverage

We’ve hardly touched on the Olympics around here the past couple of weeks, but that’s not to say we haven’t been watching them. We’ve tuned in nearly every night, and, for the most part, have enjoyed what we’ve seen. The coverage, however, has detracted from the overall experience, and the following observations hopefully support that claim.

The time difference is a nuisance – China is a day ahead of the United States. We understand this. But NBC doesn’t want to acknowledge the time difference. When we see an event, we don’t know when it's actually happening. Could be yesterday morning, could be tomorrow night. Might have been last month. It’s hard to tell, really. It’d be nice if the broadcast gave us a little clock and date on the bottom of the screen saying that the said event is happening at 9 a.m. Beijing time or 7 p.m. or whenever.

- The media needs to be synced - A delay in Olympic coverage is understandable based on the time gap. We aren’t that bothered seeing an event nearly a day after it happens as long as it still feels current. But when media as a whole doesn’t abide by this, we get spoilers. Other news outlets are breaking the results in real time which is making the prime time telecast untimely and irrelevant. We saw on ESPN that Nastia Liukin and the 11-year-old Chinese girl tied in the uneven bars. It didn’t register then, but when we watched the event later that night the potential excitement of the competition was lost.

- The medal events don’t have enough context – Due to the magnitude of the Games, it’s impossible to cover every single round of each event. We aren’t going to see all the qualifying rounds of an event unless Michael Phelps is involved. That’s fine. It’d be nice, though, if in the five-plus minutes of pre-coverage before the actual medal competition we were informed – either by graphic or video (if the video exists) – of the preceding rounds that set the final field.

Dara Torres’ silver medal, for example, might have been even more impressive if we knew that she beat out 40 women just to get to the medal round. But this wasn’t made abundantly clear. We may have seen a semi-final heat, but that might have been days ago. It would’ve been helpful for the broadcasters to provide this info. at the top of the race coverage, even if it's just a refresher. Providing substantial context would enhance the excitement surrounding the medal round.

Some other observations:

- 11:30 p.m. is not prime time. Please don’t show important events then. This is a good time for events that people don’t watch or qualifying heats. Just make sure to replay those heats when the final airs.

- Don't assume the viewer is an expert in each event. The commentators should explain the rules and scoring so the viewer has an idea as what to look for. For instance, all the high dives look pretty damn similar. Explain why points are deducted for having the feet spread apart.

- NBC should be giving us a rundown at the top of the telecast as to what and when we’ll be seeing each event. This is commonly referred to as a schedule. They should do this throughout the night. At the top of the program isn’t sufficient. Just a simple sidebar on the screen with something like:
8:36 p.m. – 100m hurdles semifinals
9:06 p.m. – men’s vault finals
9:55 p.m. – Women’s beach volleyball: United States v. Brazil

NBC is doing a nice job of informing us of the top moments – we get about a 20 minute warning that Phelps will be swimming (useful when it comes to bathroom planning), but that’s about it. Constant scheduling updates would be easy, and the network shouldn’t be worried about losing the viewers by sharing the broadcast’s schedule. It’s the Olympics. People are going to watch.

Don’t get us wrong, we like the Olympics, even if we find them to be more spectacle than sporting event. This is the only athletic competition in the world that can get the average sports fan interested in men’s gymnastics or women’s diving. There’s merit to that. But these Games could be even more exciting, more inspiring, more breathtaking, if the coverage was more complete.

Those are our gripes. Yours?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Kyle Orton goes to Kyle Borton...

Perhaps the funniest thing we ever heard was a game created by a friend called "Six Degrees of Boner."

It'd work like this: Zach goes to Bach goes to Boch goes to Bonh goes to Boner.

It's so funny because it makes little sense and you're trying to get to the word boner, which is inherently hilarious.

But really, that sort of game is necessary when talking about Kyle Orton. He turns women into sex slaves, men into jealous lovers and dogs into...well...makes a dog's red rocket appear.

If there's anything sexier than Kyle Orton on this planet, we'd be hard pressed to find it. He's a symbol of anything and everything sex related.

Meanwhile, Grossman goes to Bossman goes to Bonnman goes to Bonnerman goes to Boner.

(Kyle Orton was named the starting quarterback of the Bears Monday, which in no way is relevant to this post).

Monday, August 18, 2008

Is J.T. O'Sullivan a starting NFL QB?

The name J.T. O'Sullivan isn't thrown around too much among NFL fans. Unless you enjoy talking about former presidents of the Phi Delta Theta fraternity.

The soon-to-be 29-year-old is a journeyman, having spent time with nine NFL teams and having played in NFL Europe. (Did we mention he was the president of the Phi Delts? That frat got kicked off our school's campus a few years back. Good guys, though).

But he was a killer collegiate quarterback. After throwing for a record six TDs in a playoff game for Miami USC Ohio State LSU Texas UC Davis (it's kinda like a football school, except it isn't and it offers a class called Tractor Driving, which we hear is fantastic!) he was drafted in the sixth round of the 2002 draft. And then he bounced around from team to team as you'd expect a player from UC Davis would.

But then you see sentences like this written by a good columnist from a respectable newspaper and you have to wonder if your favorite team's offense can put together scoring drives in back-to-back games this season.
With all but the most outlying counties still to report, we can now project a winner in Mike Nolan's preferred method of migraine management. J.T. O'Sullivan has pretty well nailed down the starting quarterback spot.
At least it's not Alex Smith! But still...

It appears that J.T. O'Sullivan is going to be the San Francisco 49ers' starting quarterback.

J.T. O'Sullivan plays football. J.T. O'Sullivan is on the San Francisco 49ers. J.T. O'Sullivan players quarterback. J.T. O'Sullivan is going to be the San Francisco 49ers' starting quarterback.

Oh dear.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Adam Jones to "Make it Rain" for charity

Adam "Pacman" Jones is infamous for making it rain in the strip clubs. Now that old grumpy-pants Goodell won't let him play that way anymore, he's decided to take matters into his own hands, and Make it Rain for charity.

Roger Goodell has not officially reinstated Jones, although he's being allowed to practice after his trade to the Dallas Cowboys. As part of his court sentencing for his various offenses, and in an attempt to appease Goodell, he's decided not only to donate money to charity, but to start his own.

Staying true to himself, Jones has started the Make it Rain foundation, an organization that provides money for cloud-seeding over drought ravaged areas of North Texas. In a somewhat ironic turn of events, he hired 4 "dancers" from Diamond's Cabaret in Dallas to participate in an introductory press conference.

The Make it Rain Foundation will use silver iodide dispersed by a plane bearing Make it Rain, Dallas Cowboys, and Diamond's Cabaret logos to create ice crystals that will induce rain. Drought conditions have caused major problems for the agriculture industry in Texas in recent months.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Best: Rivalries

Welcome to "The Best," a new series from the people who brought you "Would You Do," "Blogger Interviews" and "What Really Grinds My Gears."

It's just what it sounds like: what's the best ______? "Best" is such a subjective word and that's really the point -- let's get you guys talking! If this works, there will be intelligent, thoughtful debate on the day's topic. And if it doesn't work, well, back to the drawing board.

From the moment we became sports fans, we've been conditioned to hate the uniform. It started early with the Dodgers. Being Giants fans, no matter who played for LA, we had to hate them. Take the entire Giants 25-man roster, put them in Dodger Blue and we'd root against them any day of the week.

And while the Giants-Dodgers is a pretty decent rivalry, there are some out there that tear apart families, torch friendships and make you shit blood. (That last one we made up. We have been trying to work "shit blood" into a post for like two months now).

The best rivalry in sports?

Some things to consider:

-Length of rivalry (how much time has it spanned?)
-Team's success
-Hatred between fans

Here's how we'd go:

5. Auburn-Alabama football
4. Giants-Dodgers
3. Michigan-Ohio State football
2. Duke-Carolina hoops
1. Yankees-Red Sox


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The state of the blogosphere

Things are much different around here in the summer. We're often taking mini-vacations, going on camping trips and aren't at a computer eight hours a day. We're disconnected to say the least.

Our posts are often less timely and our reading list is shrunk down to just about nothing. Many other people are like this, too, as traffic numbers across the blog world are down this time of the year.

But it seems, from our perspective, that things in the blogosphere have gone stale.

The big sites are still big, but haven't had anything to really boast about in a while. The smaller sites have sort of stayed put, with no true growth. The mid-tier sites have also sorta maintained a status quo.

Do things need to change? Has making jokes about news that the mainstream media breaks become old? Have certain features/segments grown tired? Are fictional dialogues and fake news just not really relevant anymore?

We feel that blogs are at the point where something needs to happen. A new way of reporting news or a new way of analyzing it.

Are we on our own here or is it time to start shaking things up?


Monday, August 11, 2008

The state of my bowels

It's been a while since my last update, and sadly, things haven't gotten much better.

You'd think that you'd naturally come out of a phase like that, where every time you sit down on the toilet, the biggest mystery is which leg will fall asleep first.

While the shitting hasn't improved, things have changed a bit. I've gotten in this mode -- usually like three days a week -- where I take one in the morning that sets fire to the bathroom. But then, throughout the day, I have multiple shits where I just fire off nuggets and pellets. I'm like a fucking rabbit or something. Those aren't horrible in the time-consuming, asshole-ravaging way that my hour-long morning dumps are. But they're unsatisfying and constant. I've had days where I sat down five times. That's at least three too many.

And things have gotten worse being around the girlfriend all summer. I've always had this thing where I get uncomfortable when people know I'm pouring gasoline all over my asshole and then blasting off. It's a major insecurity of mine.

So when the girlie's around and I need to blast off, I often hold it in.

Bad move.

The next morning, not only do I have feces wrapped around my intestines like fucking sausage links, but I'm backed up to next Tuesday. When I go for the pinch the next morning, I often lose half of it, which stays smeared across my taint and merits a shower that I often can't take.

But what if, and this is a big if...what if you could shit ahead of time. It'd play out like this:

So your girlfriend is coming into town for four days at the end of the week. Not wanting to deal with the chaos in the bathroom while she's there, you take eight shits on Monday that cleans you out for the whole week.

Or you know next month is gonna be brutal work-wise, so you knock out all of September on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Brilliant, right?

That'll make me my second million. (The first is on Pizza in a Cup®).

But the future is bright, friends. I'm now on fiber pills to start getting my loaves tightly packed. Will they work? Will my days continue to get off to a bad, messy start? Or is this where we, as a team, turn the corner? Time will only tell...

Your guide to cheaper and better tickets

We haven't had a book review in a while, but we were sent a nice, quick read and got to it over the weekend.

Max Deale's "Sold Out So What!" is a guide to getting better deals on tickets to sports events that we all enjoy going to.

It's a fun, comprehensive, resourceful book to help us beat fucking scalpers, beat the ticket brokers and even give us some nice suggestions how to upgrade from the nosebleeds to the high-roller seats.

You can get the book through Max's site and Amazon and we recommend checking it out. For the cheap price, you can potentially save hundreds from getting better deals on tickets.

And yes, Max gave us many sexual favors for this plug. The Cleveland Steamer was top notch.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

The Best: Stadium name

That, as you're well aware, is The Colosseum in Rome, where they no longer host sporting events, but is the first real athletic stadium known to man. They also used to have death matches there (fine, gladiatorial contests) to which people cheered. Savage, those Romans.

Not only is it a monument to sport, it also has a great name: The Colosseum. Such a nice ring to it. It just sounds good.

Which brings us to today's topic: What stadium -- professional or collegiate -- has the best name. Not: Which is the best looking, but which one sounds the best.

Not included on this list are Quicken Loans Arena (Cleveland Cavaliers), Comerica Park (Detroit Tigers) or any other stadium with a bank sponsor, for that matter.

We also don't want to take into account the things that have happened at the stadium. Whether it's a classic (Yankee Stadium) or a more modern one (Great American Ballpark) doesn't matter to us. Frankly, we think Great American Ballpark has the better name of the two.

Some ground rules to keep this from getting out of hand:

- No nicknames. As cool as "The Swamp," "Death Valley" and "The Horseshoe" are, they don't count in this little game of ours.
- Currently-used facilities only. No old names. Mile High Stadium and Candlestick Park were aptly-named homes until they gave way to corporate sponsors.

We think that's it. Here's our list.

5. Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles)
4. The Palace of Auburn Hills (Detroit Pistons)
3. Freedom Hall (Louisville basketball)
2. Camp Randall Stadium (Wisconsin football)
1. Soldier Field (Chicago Bears)

Now you play (but no gladiatorial slaying. That wouldn't be very nice).

Guess Mother Nature is on vacation

... So Beijing meteorologists are lending her a helping hand. Smart scientists, those Chinese. Controlling the weather.

Seems they'll do their damndest to prevent it from raining for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics Friday night.
Eager to ensure rain comes before -- not during -- the Olympics, the Beijing Weather Modification Office plans to seed the clouds that float by beforehand, hoping to wash the pollution from the air and wring out any event-delaying precipitation.
Frankly, we're kind of disappointed they didn't just build a big bubble over the city or ask Yao Ming to hold up a tarp.

Now let's see if these scientists can make our neighbor disappear.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Order restored in Baltimore: Boller back at QB

We'll guess that photo's from 2005. Could be 2004. Doesn't matter much. It's Baltimore quarterback Kyle Boller in a familiar position: getting pummeled by an opposing player and fumbling. We know there's no ball in that photo, but rest assured, it's probably on the ground in the hands of another San Diego Charger. Boller is pretty good for that. Incomplete passes and interceptions, too. Really, if you think of things that don't make you a good quarterback, you'll find Boller doing them.

With that we're overjoyed to hear he is back where he belongs: At the helm of the Ravens, a franchise marred by quarterback futility. For the first preseason game, anyway.
Kyle Boller's 42 career starts won't necessarily land him the job as Baltimore Ravens quarterback. His experience did, however, earn him the start in the preseason opener at New England.

"Experience." Good one. We have a hard time thinking of Boller as an "experienced" quarterback, but when Troy Smith and Joe Flacco are the alternatives, Boller looks like a seasoned veteran. Like a Trent Dilfer or Jay Fielder. So: been in the league a few years, not very good and white.

Unproductive QBs seems to be the m.o. of this team. It's like they go out looking for a gunslinger who will be just good enough to put 10-14 points on the board, which keeps the game in hand so the defense can win it and Ray Lewis can tear someone's head off. It's a backwards strategy that has worked well enough that they keep adhering to it. Kudos for the consistency.

Some of their former starters: Eric Zeier, Tony Banks, Elvis Grbac, Anthony Wright. A real who's who of quarterback elites.

So Boller is right where he belongs, we guess, the latest in line of a group of prolific passers. Enjoy the game against the Pats, pal. And if you can't locate the ball within five seconds of the snap, it's probably in the other team's hands.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Big Picture Categories: Horse-related mascots

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Didn't see any of the Colts-'Skins game Sunday, but, hey, football! With real, professional athletes. And Brett Favre had nothing to do with it. Hooray!

Thinking about it, we realized that while the Colts are, well, colts, there is no team in sports called the Horses. But many mascots are a form of horse. Kind of like Barbaro. Barbaro was a horse. A great one.

But we're not talking about real (or dead) horses today. We're talking about mascots. Horse-related mascots in any sport, pro or college. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. One -- one! -- answer per comment, assbags. First person to blow it has to fuck a horse. On a related note, we once wrote a post about this. We thought it was perhaps the funniest thing ever published in the history of the Internet or history itself.

We'll start with one that doesn't give any more away: Indianapolis Colts.

All right, animal lovers. Slang your horse-mascot knowledge in the comments.

Prince Fielder fights like a girl

That is to say he shoves instead of punches. Manny Parra probably said he was going to have eggs and bacon for breakfast in the morning. Freakin' vegans.

Breaking facial-hair news

That image you see, go ahead. Click it. Then pause. And realize that a major sports Internet site just wrote a front-page headline and dedicated space to a story about a man's fucking mustache.

Good. Bet writing that article wasn't humiliating for the AP writer who likely thought to himself afterward that it's better than covering a city council meeting.

But, hey, an athlete's facial hair situation is just as hard-hitting and relevant as parking ordinances.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Unsolved Mysteries: Mickey Tettleton

Unsolved Mysteries was one of those TV shows that you had no interest watching, but somehow you ended up glued to Lifetime, longing for more Robert Stack. Many sports figures haven't had the sad fates of some of the cases on Unsolved Mysteries, but there are those athletes who make you say, "where the fuck is that guy?" Many mysteries are unsolved -- that's why they're mysteries -- but with your help, we could solve them.

Mickey Tettleton

AGE: 47
DOB: 9/16/60
HEIGHT: 6'2"
WEIGHT: Like a brick wall
HAIR: Light brown
EYES: Diamonds

Mickey Tettleton was known for being an offensive-minded catcher and being able to crush the ball when he made contact, which was rare because he struck out all the fucking time. But he will be remembered as a big-leaguer for his unique, upright batting stance and a wad of chewing tobacco he kept in his cheek.

Tettleton played 14 years, spending time with Oakland, Baltimore, Detroit and Texas. He hit 30+ homeruns three-straight years with the Tigers, from 1991-93.

Tettleton was last seen in a Texas Rangers uniform, where he played 17 games in 1997. Many witnesses saw him driving away from the Ballpark in Arlington at approximately 11 p.m. on September 3, 1997. He was driving a black Dodge RAM pickup with big red dice hanging from the rear view mirror.

An artist rendering, which takes takes age, weathering and time into account, has Tettleton looking like this today.

Tettleton is large and looks like a former ballplayer. He will likely be wearing a smile, but may have a hole where his cheek once was, making it tough to smile or do anything with his mouth. He has no known piercings. He has a tattoo of Tucan Sam on his left ankle and a heart with a K in the center on the small of his back.

If you have any information about the disappearance of Mickey Tettleton or know anyone who knows where the fuck he is, please leave a comment or call the Unsolved Mysteries hotline.