Thursday, August 31, 2006

The WNBA Finals: Thanks, Title IX

Most sports fans are focused on three main things right now:

1. Major League Baseball
2. The upcoming NFL season
3. NCAA Football.

What people are not talking about is the major championship that began Wednesday night: the WNBA Finals! Ok, so maybe it's not major, but it is a championship nonetheless, so it merits a little attention. Right?

The Sacramento Monarchs -- the defending champs, apparently -- took it to the Detroit Shock last night in Game 1 of the Finals, 95-71. We suppose the Shock were menstruating or something.

So what happened in the game, you ask. C'mon, Big Picture, give us some hard-hitting analysis.

Well, we frankly have no idea what happened in the game. You think we were watching? Fuck no.

We were watching the Giants/Braves game, studying for our upcoming fantasy football draft and talking college football over at our other site.

But you can find out what happened right here. There's no word if Ron Artest -- now a member of the Sacramento Kings, if you recall -- was in attendance. Though the game was in the lovely city of Detroit, so we imagine Artest didn't make the trip...on second thought, that's where he's happiest: in The Palace at Auburn Hills!

Game 2 is Friday, so be sure to go out to dinner, see a movie, read a book; just get the hell away from your TV set. Or, if you're feeling particularly audacious, ugh, watch the game. It'll probably be on ESPN. Yeah, the WNBA Finals.

Who, exactly, is managing the New York Yankees?

Those in Major League Baseball upper management positions have pretty clear-cut roles, if you ask us. The general manager uses the owner's money to obtain players that the manager then coaches. Duties shouldn't overlap, much like tequila shots should not be taken after shot-gunning a cold one. Or vice versa, of course.

Simple, right?

Well, it seems the mighty men running the New York Yankees are a bit confused about their duties. On Aug. 15, starting pitcher Carl Pavano got in a car accident that left him with a mutulated jaw and on the brink of death a couple of broken ribs. Pavano, that sly cat, opted not to tell his employer until well after the accident.

Now, Brian Cashman, New York's G.M., says Pavano can't pitch for two weeks. If you remember from above, the G.M. obtains players. The manager coaches those obtained. Yet the G.M. in this situation decided who plays and who doesn't.

So, getting back to the subject of this now wordy and somewhat dummied-down post, who the fuck is managing the Yanks? We'd sure like to know Joe Torre's take on his boss making his decisions for him. From the linked article, it's rather clear that Cashman won't be inviting Pavano to Sunday night dinner this week. (Meatloaf, by the way, is the probable for the main course.)

We can't really figure out how this managerial decision falls under Cashman's so-called jurisdiction. If the dude can/can't/doesn't know how to/doesn't want to/forgot how to/is scared to pitch, shouldn't that be Torre's call as the manager?

Cashman also said that if Pavano can take the hill that it will be in a relief role, and that "discipline" is a possibility. Again, basic baseball convention would suggest that the manager -- it's Torre, remember him? -- decides what role that player has, not the G.M.

As for the discipline thing, based on Cashman's kind words about Pavano, it could be something like this.

In other news: Despite being in the hospital for an irregular heartbeat, David Ortiz hit his 48th homerun Wednesday in a 7-2 loss to Oakland.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Renaldo Balkman: WTF?!

Wonderful stuff is happening over at YAYsports! NBA. Not only are they making a movie, Who Shot Mamba?, but they also have created an online store that rivals any good sweatshop.

Their latest: this nice little shirt you see in the picture to the right.

Don't live in New York? No problem. Wear the shirt anytime the Knicks come to your town. Isiah Thomas will love to see the nod of support. Yeah. Support.

Get your new gear here.

Don Nelson doesn't know what he's getting into

We suppose Don Nelson thinks that the members of Run-TMC -- Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullin -- are still playing for the Warriors.

And at 66-years-young, who can blame him for being a bit out of the loop? Hardaway and Richmond are long out of basketball and Mullin is now, ironically, calling the shots for the Warriors. Unfortunately for Nellie, there's not a whole helluva lot of talent on the floor for the Not-so-Golden State Warriors.

Baron Davis has all sorts of issues, Ike Diogu isn't seeing enough court time and Jason Richardson...well, he's fucking solid!

But the Warriors haven't seen the postseason from the first person since 1994 and the front office thinks that Nellie is the guy to get them back there. He'll try at least. He'll also get a $1 million incentive if the Warriors make the playoffs.

The amigos over at Golden State of Mind like that little clause.

"Simply marvelous! Absolutely amazing! FAB-YOU-LESS! Maybe Cohan (aka the worst owner in all of sports) is ready to actually give winning a serious try instead of just looting Warriors Nation. I never thought I'd say this, but props to Warriors owner Chris Cohan. This doesn't make up for 12 horrendous years, but it's a start."

The City also likes the move, but more because, well, Monty was a wee bit better at Stanford than with the Warriors.

"By parting ways/firing/kicking to the corner/buying out Montgomery, Chris Mullin admitted his second of four mistakes as GM of the Warriors. The first was signing Derek Fisher to a six-year deal. The second was the Mike Montgomery signing."

So, yeah. Nellie. Back in the Bay. Monty back to the Pac-10? Oregon? We'll just see. If only Garry St. Jean were still around to mock.

In other news: The Jets named Chad Pennington their starting QB only because they missed out on the Jeff George sweepstakes.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

No. The Raiders aren't joking

If you haven't heard by now, you've been either swamped at work all day or have been having sex for 18 straight hours. Jeff George -- Jeff Fucking George! -- was signed yesterday by the Oakland Raiders.

And who else but Al Davis to bring George back to the NFL? Really, could you picture George, 87, playing for a legit team? You know a team is desperate when they turn to a guy who hasn't thrown an NFL pass since 2001.

But hey, if he's in the league he might as well play. And we're gonna root for him. Hey, why the hell not?

Aaron Brooks could get hurt, Andrew Walter could go back and play QB for Arizona State, Marques Tuiasosopo could play baseball like his bro, and then George is your starter.

Watch him get in there and lead the Raiders to the Super Bowl. Stranger shit has happened. The guy was the No. 1 overall pick in 1962 after all. We can just see the fans in the Black Hole calling for George like he's fucking Rudy.

And at this point, he may as well be Rudy. He's old, he's ugly and now he's an Oakland Raider. He's as big of an underdog as they get.

In other football news: The Titans signed former Raiders QB Kerry Collins to play the vacant role of their mascot, T-Rac.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Jeff Reardon is insane. Really.

Some may recall that former MLB pitcher Jeff Reardon had a brush in with the law in late December.

He was arrested for stealing money from a jewelry story, which sure seemed funny at the time, because who the hell would steal money from a jewelry store? Well, that was answered today.

Reardon was found not guilty of the crime by reason of insanity. Now this makes too much sense -- he's fucking insane! The guy better be if he doesn't think to rip off the actual jewelry.

Of course this is sad and we shouldn't be making light of it. But insane or not, a tip of the cap to the lawyers who got Reardon off. Does this remind anyone else of Primal Fear?

Here's to having Edward Norton play the part of Reardon when the movie comes out. (Clink, clink).

If the Stanford Tree falls in the forest...

Well, it's probably just drunk again.

You may recall a while back that Tree drank a bit too much at a game between Cal and the Cardinal last February and made a bit of a scene. Erin Lashnits, who wore the tree suit, was then fired. Yes, mascots can get fired.

Then, just a month later, the new mascot -- played by Stanford student Tommy Leep -- got in trouble for refusing to leave the court after halftime of Stanford's women's tourney game against Florida State.

And just this past weekend, the NCAA came down with the penalty. Stanford University was fined by the NCAA and Tree was suspended from the 2007 Women's NCAA Tournament.

Now really, isn't this just a little silly? We're talking about a mascot after all. But at this point, with Tree being so unique and rebellious, we wouldn't be at all surprised to see the mascot show up at Stanford's Oct. 7 meeting with Notre Dame and beat the hell out of the Notre Dame leprechaun with a giant pot of gold. Really just wallop the guy.

Or, if the Stanford Tree is gonna get suspended, it may as well do something that validates the suspension. C'mon, dancing on the court at halftime is nothing.

Why not a felony? Shit, rob a bank. Pull a Maurice Clarett and get pulled over with four loaded weapons, a bulletproof vest (!) and a bottle of Goose. Launder some money.

We respect Tree greatly -- don't get us wrong here -- but cowboy up and get busted for something worthwhile already.

In other news: The Dallas Cowboys fined Terrell Owens $9,500 for missing cheer practice.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Some people just don't know when to quit

Jerry Rice used to be a good NFL receiver. In fact, he was pretty much the best in the history of the game. That was then, this is now. Rice, who hasn't played a game since ending the 2004 season with the Seahawks, signed yet another NFL contract Thursday. This one, mercifully, was ceremonial. You see, Rice wasn't exactly good his last few years in the league. And for us 49ers fans, it was a sad sight to see.

Rice signed a one-day contract so he can officially retire as a 49er, and will get some silly amount of money that refers to his uniform number, weight, hat size, zip code, and favorite radio station. Of course, he won't actually get any of that money, because, as stated, the contract is ceremonial. Pro sports financial rules are beyond us, so we're not sure how this whole thing actually works.

The point is, Jerry can now say he retired as a 49er, and we can forget about the debacle that was the last year or so of his career. It was too bad when he crossed the bay to the Raiders, it was just sad when he played in Seattle and spent training camp with the Broncos. Let's face it, if he couldn't play for the Niners, he shouldn't have been playing at all.

Sadly, Jerry apparently doesn't know how to quit in other aspects of his life. After his success in Dancing Like a Little Bitch Dancing With the Stars, he's now pitching a new reality show called "The Underdog."

-Jameson Costello

Thursday, August 24, 2006

A great example of how to burn a bridge

Kevan Barlow used to be a 49er. Then he got traded to the New York Jets. Then he compared his former coach Mike Nolan to Adolph Hitler, and we're pretty sure he wasn't referring to their looks. Eeesh!

Well after getting traded, we can understand that Barlow was upset. He's leaving his first team, his home and it's the Bay Area after all. Though it's not like he was traded to Cleveland or something; New York is among the best cities in the world.

But to compare your coach to Hitler?! Well, that's a bit much. Even for us. And we can handle a lot. Adolph Hitler is the world's greatest villain. He is a cold-blooded murderer, etc., etc., etc.

Mike Nolan is, well, a football coach. And not a great one yet. Though, Kevan, Hitler? That's just out of line. And sure Barlow apologized for his actions, but let's just say that he won't be playing for Nolan again anytime soon.

In other news: Terrell Owens remains sidelined with a hamstring injury caused by an over-inflated ego.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Some may call Alyssa Milano a pioneer, others may call her a whore

Milano (center) with Brad Penny (lef) and Barry Zi, err, some old guy (right)

Alyssa Milano is, what we like to call in the blogging industry, a child star. She was eyeball fucked by starred opposite of Tony Danza on Who's the Boss? for a while and really didn't do much else. Sure, she was in that movie with Marky Mark called Fear and none can forget her role in Dinotopia. But her career was never the same after she stopped calling Tony Danza "Dad."

But now Milano, known in sports circles as that B-list actress who's down to romp with MLB pitchers (read: Carl Pavano, Barry Zito and now Brad Penny), has teamed with some apparel company to start a line of MLB clothes for ladies.

The line of clothes, labeled Touch -- cute, huh? -- will supposedly feature "high-quality fabrics" and "body-contouring silhouettes."

Translated into non-women talk: expensive shit that will hug your body like flies to cow dung.

Really this is a sweet thing Milano is doing. She's trying to get a guy's girlfriend to be more willing to accompany her man to the game by wearing slutty clothes of her (or his) favorite MLB team. She's bringing couples together under the lights.

So, as the headline suggests, Milano is a trailblazer. Or ho. You be the judge.

Norv Turner update: Despite the 49ers' embarrassing 23-7 loss to the Oakland Raiders, our BFF, Norv Turner, is still employed as the Niners' offensive coordinator.

In other news: The Falcons traded running back T.J. Duckett to the Redskins Tuesday for a cup of coffee, a scone and the morning paper.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Ted Lilly and John Gibbons are in a fight

John: I waited up for you last night.
Ted: I know.
John: (looks puzzled)
Ted: You always do that. You pretend to be asleep but I can tell you're awake and angry.
John: Where were you?
Ted: Out.
John: No shit.
Ted: I was out! All right?!


John: Why won't you look at me when we make love?
Ted: We haven't made love...
John: Ssshh.
Ted: It hasn't been the same since the kids.
John: (nods head)
Ted: The passion isn't there anymore. The Honeymoon's over.
John: You don't mean that.
Ted: I know. I know. It's just...
John: What is it?
Ted: It's tough. On the road all the time. Bad outings. Having to look up to the Red Sox and Yankees.
John: Come here.
(They hug).

Ted: I'm seeing someone else.
John: Don't say that.
Ted: It's been going on for a while now.
John: How long?
Ted: Two years.
John: Who is it?
Ted: You won't know them.
John: This is un-fucking-believable.
Ted: Don't be mad.
John: (mockingly) Don't be mad. Don't be mad. You've had your dick in another person. Of course I'm mad.
Ted: You're so fucking insensitive.
John: And you're a tramp.
Ted: I hate you!
John: Get away from me.
(John walks back to the dugout)
Ted: Come back. I'm sorry. I love you!

Check out what really happened here and read a much more proffessional, funnier post of a similar nature here.

In other news: The Yankees swept a five-game series from Boston Monday and proceeded to pour gallons of tea into the Port of Boston.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Start thinking of your Sidney Ponson jokes

Ponson, left, during happier times.

Sir Sidney Ponson: baseballer, knight, and hardcore drinker is no longer a New York Yankee.

After a three-inning, six-run outing Friday night against the Red Sox, Ponson was designated for assignment.

Ponson, now a free agent, will search for his fifth team since 2003. Despite Ponson's virtual ineffectiveness, habit of drinking and driving, and beating the shit out of an Aruban judge, Major League teams seem to find appeal in Ponson.

Perhaps it's because he's a large man. Perhaps it's because he had a few good years in Baltimore. Perhaps it's because he's an Aruban knight. We certainly wouldn't be surprised if a playoff contender decided to offer Ponson a spot in the rotation.

It's too bad Colorado and Milwaukee aren't really vying for a playoff spot; Coors Field and Miller Park would have given Ponson naughty thoughts.

In other news: Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship Sunday after getting a special pep talk from Chubbs Peterson.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Junior Seau is taking lessons from Brett Favre

Linebacker Junior Seau is indecisive.

After the 12-time Pro Bowler retired in San Diego Monday, he has been talked out of it by the New England Patriots and will be back on the field shortly, assuming he passes a physical today.

This is really Brett Favre-like decision making. Favre, who toyed with the idea of retirement for the better part of a year, decided to stay in the league. Now Favre may be tackled by Seau.

It's hard to blame Seau. He was approached by a Super Bowl quality team and an already-superior defense. It'd be hard to turn down the Pats. And $1 million, one-year contract doesn't hurt either.

But still. Three days of retirement? Really? Did Junior even get to the golf course?

As for the picture, well, it's strange. We're not sure who the girl/woman is, but

a. How old is she? She can't be a day past 18.
b. What is she doing on Seau's back?
c. Why is Junior's shirt off?
d. Why was this picture ever taken?

Perhaps he can explain this interesting photo to his new teammates in Foxborough.

In other news: Eli Manning threw a touchdown pass and set up another in a 17-0 win over the Chiefs Thursday after his daddy told him he could.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Vikings continue to be model citizens

Last season there was some news regarding the Minnesota Vikings that you may have heard about. They had this little party on a boat. They got in trouble. Zach mentioned the incident once or twice. Well, guess what? The boys in purple are back in the news again. It seems that Koren Robinson has been taking some driving lessons from Esteban Loaiza. In case you didn't get that joke, it means that Robinson got arrested for drunk driving. Again. No, this was not the first time for Mr. Robinson. Or Koren as they probably call him at the local jail. When you've met someone several times, you're usually on a first name basis.

Robinson made the situation worse by fleeing the police. At least things weren't quite as bad for him as they were for 'Reese (as his lawyer likes to call him).

So what's the lesson we take from this? The Vikings aren't very good at keeping their players in line. This most likely started with Randy Moss, who did pretty much whatever he wanted. I guess firing your coach doesn't always work.

In other news: Terrell Owens missed 2 weeks of practice after his helmet got replaced with the wrong model.

-Jameson Costello

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Jason Grimsley is a generous guy (when it comes to money he didn't exactly earn)

Former Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley is back in the news. The 15-year vet who was suspended for 50 games in June after being busted for using illegal performance-enhancing drugs including steroids, amphetamines, horse tranquilizers, RU-486 and Flintstones vitamins, made the doping policy look pretty silly yesterday.

Turns out when you get busted for doing stuff you aren't supposed to do ("cheating," we're told, is the word here) you are still entitled to that year's salary.

During those 50 days of no baseball and Fun Dip, Grimsley was set to make $225,500, which was awarded to him last week as decided by the commissioner's office and the MLB Players Association.

Pretty messed up, right?

Well, Fun Dip lovin' Grimsley has a kind heart (could've been the horse tranqs taking effect) and has decided to donate his "earnings" to a handful of charities.

We aren't really sure what to make of this. We applaud Grimsley's generosity, but then again he's donating thousands of dollars all covered with the residue of a growth hormone and a steroid-infused syringe ("Metaphor." Metaphor is what we were looking for here.) to the Drug-Free Arizona charity.

Got to appreciate the irony.

In other news: Steelers coach Bill Cowher will wait until after the season to discuss a new contract because he intends to ride his motorcycle without a helmet before agreeing to terms.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Update: Barbaro's still alive!

This fucking horse.

To steal a line from the all-powerful MJD, "I wish they'd just put a bullet in him and be done with it."

Hey, somebody had to say it, right?

There's news about the three-year-old making progress. The report says that Barbaro is able to go outside and is walking on grass.

Great. Next he'll be able to suck his own dick.

Really. How much longer will this charade continue? We keep hearing back and forth reports about a horse. A horse. OJ hardly got more publicity.

It's almost too bad Barbs isn't doing something illegal. Then we could just pull a state of Texas on his ass and execute the motherfucker. He seems like a lethal injection kinda guy to us. But whaddya think?

-The chair?
-Firing squad?
-Gas chamber?

Well, Barbaro won't get the death penalty. But for the hell he's put us through, perhaps he should.

-Pavel Andorra

Joe Buck makes us nauseous

And now we'll be nauseous for two more hours a week.

Via The Mighty MJD, comes the news that Buck, in addition to being the play-by-play guy for the top Fox game each Sunday, will now host Fox's NFL pregame show as well.

Holy fuck!

This is horrible news for most of the country/world/solar system. We don't mind this as much as we should because that pre-game show starts at 8 a.m. on the West Coast, meaning we're still in a deep sleep when Buck is making a mockery of broadcast journalism.

But still, the fact that this douche-weasel is getting what is essentially a promotion is beyond belief. Loyal readers of TBP (that's The Big Picture, smarty) know that we hate Buck with a passion. His voice sounds like sand being thrown against a brick wall. Take the most dull objects you can think of, and, BAM!, you have Joe Buck in a nutshell.

In MJD's post, we compared Buck to Ani DiFranco and then realized if the two mated, their child would be doomed.

Buck doesn't seem destined to have sex with DiFranco, but being the butt-face he is, he doesn't seem destined for sex at all. Loser.

In other news: Matt Leinart and the Arizona Cardinals have finally agreed to terms after Paris Hilton told Leinart that she's only with him for his money.

Monday, August 14, 2006

It's Mascot Monday

We'll stick with the mascot theme today, so we present to you a fantastic video clip courtesy of YouTube.

This video had been around the block much like Christina Aguilera, but still it's worth showing. This is the Atlanta Hawk riding around town on a motorcycle. Two dudes in a car were fortunate enough to have a video recorder handy to capture the magic.

If you're having a case of the Monday's, well, this clip should perk you right up.


Yes, there is a mascot Hall of Fame

It's been a tough few months for the mascots of America. We've had piles of fun with the Stanford Tree (whether it's drinking or being rebellious) during the winter, Benny the Bull had a brush-in with the law last month, and just this past Saturday night, T-Rac of the Tennessee Titans, plowed his golf cart into the Saints' Adrian McPherson .

But let's take a step back from all the off-the-field drama and recognize six very special mascots that will be inducted into the Mascot Hall of Fame on Tuesday.

As you can see in the photo, we would like to congratulate the following mascots for their superior mascotry:

-Utah Jazz Bear (a fucking bear? Why not, um, a saxophone?)
-The Houston Rockets' Clutch
-KC Wolf from the Chiefs (probably good thing they went with a wolf, rather than, say, a man portraying an indian chief in an overtly stereotypical way).
-Aubie the tiger
-Bucky the badger from the other UW
-YoUDee from Delaware. YoUDee is a Blue Hen. Don't know about you, but we've never crossed paths with a blue hen.

Now we weren't aware that there was a Mascot Hall of Fame. It's one of those things that just goes under the radar, we suppose. But it's good to recognize the best of the best in the world of in-game entertainment. And the Mascot HOF appears to be located in Philadelphia. So if you're in the area...

These mascots have gone above and beyond -- on and off the field -- to bring smiles to children, charity to those in need, and to cuddle with hot chicks without taking any heat for it.

And soon, this mascot will be inducted. It's just a matter of time.

Here's to you, the mascot class of '06! (Clink, clink).

In other news: Longtime NFL linebacker Junior Seau has decided to call it quits after new Dolphins QB Daunte Culpepper didn't invite Seau to the team's boat party.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Rhett Bomar will take your money

We haven't talked much about Rhett Bomar here at The Big Picture. We have Bomar, his scandal and other college football news covered at our other site.

But something like this is too good to go unmentioned here. We know we're late with this, but hey, it's Saturday. Anything goes.

So enjoy a nice photo posted over at a Texas message board. Great stuff.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Banned from your favorite ballpark

In a sad but true tale, Scott Harper (aka Jean Pierre Bosnia) has been banned from the famous Yankee Stadium. Why you ask? Well, because last August, at the house that Ruth built, Scott thought it would be a good idea to jump off the upper deck into the netting behind home plate. What would compel somebody to do something so stupid is beyond us. Perhaps Maurice Clarett could shed some light on the subject.

In any case, we got to wondering: Was it worth it? Was jumping off the upper deck in Yankee stadium worth the lifetime ban? (let's ignore the probable jail sentence) We think not. Sure, it may have been kinda fun, and yeah, the guy's famous, but any die-hard baseball fan would be devastated to learn they could never see their favorite team in person (at home) ever again.

Which brings us to the subject of this post: What could you do that would get you banned from a stadium, but would still be worth it? In order to qualify the act must be either incredibly fun, so spectacular that you instantly become an international sex-symbol, or so bizarre that it makes for a story that never gets old. Gold star if it satisfies all three.

Please share your ideas in the comments section. Some things to get the discussion started:

AT&T Park Mays Field, San Francisco: Catapult yourself off the arcade in right field, catch a Barry Bonds homerun in mid-air, and then complete a triple twisting double backflip dive with no splash into McCovey Cove.

Fenway Park, Boston: Bungee jump off the green monster. Steal Manny's Oakley Thumps when you reach bottom.

Wrigley Field, Chicago: Dress up like ivy. Hide in the center field wall. Scare the shit out of Juan Pierre when he goes to track down a fly ball.

McAfee Coliseum, Oakland: Sneak into the upper deck with a few buckets of water. Turn the baggies into a water slide. Try not to fall into the second deck.

Yankee Stadium, New York: Whip it out. Piss all over the NY logo behind home plate.

-Jameson "Pavel Barbados" Costello

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Clarett to star in correctional league

As you probably heard by now (or at least read about courtesy of Deadspin, The Mighty MJD, or Insomniac's Lounge), Maurice Clarett was arrested, yet again, this time for stealing a Robocop costume, driving a tank down main street, indiscriminitely firing guns in the air, and serving drinks to underage women while driving.

Word on the street is that Krister Vietnam (Clarett's Ron Mexico alias), is taking a cue from the movies, and believes that he will turn his life around, in prison, much like Paul Crewe (aka Guy Finland) does in The Longest Yard.

Clarett has had a wee bit of trouble in the past, and we can't help but think this latest incident will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. They're probably gonna lock this guy in prison, and we're not talking white-collar resort prison, we're talking federal pound me in the ass prison.

So what will Clarett do? Well, the only logical thing he can to prevent some guy with no neck from making Clarett his plaything: Become the star of the prison football team. Clarett of course hasn't played organized football for about 12 years, but supposedly he was kinda good once upon a time. Maybe a correctional league MVP award will garner him some attention and when he gets out of the slammer in 10 years, some genius will give him another shot.

Krister, good luck. We toast to you!

-Pavel Barbados

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

'I'd hit that'

We haven't mentioned Ron Mexico for a while. In fact, the last time we did was when Lil' Mexico, known outside of adultery circles as Marcus Vick, was pulling guns over at the local Mickey D's.

But while perusing Every Day Should be Saturday, we came across the link for Ron, a great website with wonderful merchandise that you should all go buy in bulk.

While checking the site, we noticed a feature where you could type in your name -- or any name, for that matter -- and you'd get your very own Ron Mexico alias. Just like that. You too can mess around with a cheap ho and contract herpes.

So naturally, we dicked (get it?) around for a while and this is the gold we found:

Real Name/Alias:

-Peyton Manning/Maximillian Micronesia
-Marcus Vick/Hank Bosnia
-George Bush/Jorge Iceland
-Barry Bonds/Rod Paraguay
-Michael Jordan/Xavier Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
-Zach Landres-Schnur/Pavel Andorra

Two things can go without saying, but we'll say them anyway:

1. This is the greatest web feature since the invention of porn.
2. We will now be signing our posts, Pavel Andorra.

-Pavel Andorra

Pavel is the alias for Zach Landres-Schnur. He uses the name when he does strange shit with shady chicks.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Team USA means business

There was a basketball game Monday. Not college. Not the NBA. Not even high school.

Though there was some street ball going on. Oh, and this exhibition game between the U.S. and China in the World Championships.

Team USA must've eaten some bad chinese food or something because the Americans sure took out their aggression on Team China. The Americans won easily, 119-73, which, by our math, is a lot. China was without Yao Ming who was sidelined with an MSG-related allergy a foot injury.

It's always nice to have some basketball news in the dead of summer. It seems to be baseball, baseball, NASCAR, baseball, golf, baseball, motorcycle crashes, get the idea. But now we have international hoops.

And the best part? Monday's match was played in Guangzhou, China. Yeah. Guangzhou. Just hang a left in Hong Kong and you're there.

If you noticed in the above photo, well, that's LeBron James. He plays basketball. He's pretty good. But his number changed! Whoa! He's no. 6, we suppose, for this little tournament. How 'bout that.

In other news: The Washington Nationals traded Livan Hernandez to Arizona Monday in exchange for a clean-breathalyzer for GM Jim Bowden.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Getting healthy on MLB's sick

Ever consider how the MLB standings would look if the division leader didn't play the last place team? Didn't think so. But maybe you should. Interesting stuff. Really.

Perhaps the standings would look similar if you threw out those games where the first-place team plays the cellar dweller. But not if you were the Oakland A's.

The Athletics -- ironically, not that athletic as far as ball clubs go -- won their 12th-straight against the AL West's last-place Mariners Sunday. The win pushed the A's to 60-51, nine games over .500, and Oakland is now 12-1 against the M's on the year. See where we're going with this?

Good. You do.

The A's are 48-50 against the rest of their opponents, making them a less-than-mediocre team when they aren't beating up on Seattle. And on the flip side, had the Mariners not faced Oaktown 13 times, they'd be seven games over.

Really it's pretty funny. Why? Well, laugh a little, will ya. It's Monday. You need to loosen up a bit. By throwing out those bottom teams and things change a fair amount.

The same can be said for the AL Central, where Detroit has made the Kansas City Royals look like fucking peasants. The Tigers are 11-1 against KC, making the Royals not very good against their division foe. If the Royals got those 11 losses back by not having to face Detroit, well, they'd still suck.

Ok, so this tinkering with results works better with Oakland and Seattle. Still though, it's an interesting way to look at the standings.

In other news: Jeremy Shockey returned to practice Sunday after being held out of practice for nearly a week with a "killer hangover."

Friday, August 04, 2006

For this guy, money does grow on trees

Remember way back when -- like two months ago -- when Barry Bonds hit a home run? No, it wasn't the last time he hit one. He hit one last month too. But on May 28, Bonds hit his 715th shot, which made him that much less popular with fans, media and animals.

Now that ball, caught by some dude waiting in line for a beer, has finally sold on eBay. The historic homerun ball sold for about 220k to eBay ID 52817. Yeah, #52817!

The dude who sold it is named Andrew Morbitzer and he can now afford to buy a house in the Bay Area where the cost of real estate rivals that of a professional athlete's salary.

Scary thing is, "experts" told Morbitzer that they expected the ball to sell between $200,000 and $300,000. And hey, it did! But there are "experts" who project the value of objects like historic homeruns? Really?

In other news: Of the 10 NL teams within five games of the Wild Card spot, one of them is the Oregon State baseball team.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Enough of Jenn

Jenn Sterger, a girl, is at it again. Her latest version of the Jenn Sterger Mailbag on came out yesterday, and, well, let's just say that it didn't belong on

Basically Jenn is just playing the role of a therapist. And a bad one at that.

She takes questions from horny dudes who haven't got laid since 1996 and gives mediocre-to-lame advice. One of the questions was sports-related and that's it. The rest are all about her partying, how she likes her dudes -- we're guessing, by the way, that they're big, buff and rich. But, hey, that's just a guess -- and relationship advice.

So the question becomes: does this girl -- who got famous for looking hot at FSU football games -- deserve to be writing for We suppose that isn't exactly a tough question. The better question could be: who did she sleep with and where did he get to put it?

Check out some of our Jenn Sterger Mailbags here and here.

In other news: Chase Utley extended his hitting streak to 34 games Wednesday and is in talks with teammate Brett Myers to take the hitting outside the ballpark.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The NIT is shrinking

It's called the National Invitation Tournament, though the NIT would be more fitting if it was called Not Invited To the Dance Tournament. Oh, that's an extra two "T's" and a "D," you say? Well, come up with your own name, you (enter a insulting/derogatory/racist slur here).

Yeah, the NIT, where stars, such as New York Knicks first-round pick, Renaldo Balkman, are born, is going to expand. The NIT will be cut from 40 teams to a more traditional 32 teams starting next season for various reasons. They mainly include common sense, seeing how now this tournament can have four regions of eight teams each.

Practicality is a pretty neat thing when you really think about it, so for all of you practical thinkers out there, well, the news of the NIT being cut from 40 teams to 32 likely just made your day.

And hey, we just made a connection: Renaldo Balkman -- NIT stud -- had two great games in Madison Square Garden. The NIT's Final Four is played at Madison Square Garden. Knicks GM Isiah Thomas picked Balkman because he'll be great at MSG!

Nah. Isiah's just an idiot.

In other news: Reggie Bush showed up at the Saints practice today with gold cleats, gold spikes and a gold member.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Bowden falls asleep, forgets to trade Soriano

With just minutes remaining before the MLB trade deadline, Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden fell asleep and forgot to trade All-Star left fielder Alfonso Soriano. Experts around the country were convinced the slugger would be traded, with the Minnesota Twins apparently the front-runners leading up to the deadline. Various sources were quoted as saying that a Soriano trade was "imminent," "definite," "a done deal," and even "fo-sho gonna happen."

Bowden held a news conference after the 4 PM EDT non-waiver trade deadline. "Sorry, I just fell asleep. I was up most of the night fielding offers for Alfonso and Livo [Livan Hernandez], and at the last minute I ran out of energy. I had like 3 Sparks Red Bulls, a couple of No-Doz, and a Jolt Cola, but it just wasn't enough. Now we're pretty much fucked."

Bowden was hoping to trade Soriano for a bounty of young prospects, assuming he would not be able to re-sign the free agent to be, despite Soriano's statements that he would prefer to stay in Washington. The Nationals currently sit in last place in the NL East, and are 8.5 games back of Cincinnati in the NL Wild Card race.

Speculation abounds that an AL GM sabotaged a possible deal with the Twins, in an attempt to keep Soriano in the other league. Chicago's Ken Williams, New York's Brian Cashman, and Boston's Theo Epstein have all been implicated, with Williams the prime suspect. Another GM, who wished to remain anonymous, said "Williams is always up to something shady, I wouldn't be surprised at all if he slipped Bowden a sleeping pill. It's obvious he's feeling the pressure the Twins are putting on, and wants to keep it a two-horse race." The White Sox currently sit 8.5 games back of Detroit in the AL Central Division, but are tied with the Yankees for the Wild Card lead, with the Twins just a game back of Chicago after a recent surge.

No details have been offered for how a sleeping pill could have been given to Bowden, who is in San Francisco to watch the Nationals humiliate take on the Giants. Other reports suggest that San Francisco GM Brian Sabean may also have been sleeping, as he forgot to trade ace Jason Schmidt.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig gave the following statement:

"Major League Baseball will not tolerate doping, either in the form of performance enhancing drug use by the players, or in the form of sleeping pills, or other mischievous substances, such as itching powders or laxatives, used by General Managers against one another. I will be putting together a team to conduct an investigation into Bowden's sleep episode, and anyone found responsible for foul play will be punished."

-Jameson Costello

Jameson is a graduate student at the University of Washington. He wishes that Brian Sabean would have traded Jason Schmidt for Lastings Milledge.