Thursday, May 29, 2008

What happened to Pronk?

It was just a few years ago that Travis Hafner was arguably baseball's best DH. He hit for average, power and in the clutch.

Then something happened. Maybe SI doomed him. Perhaps there were problems at home. Juice?

It's not that 2007 was a bad season -- hell, for anyone else it would've been a solid year. But Pronk's .266 average was about 40 points lower than what he averaged from 2004-06 and his 24 home runs (in approximately 100 more at-bats) were nearly half of his '06 total. More alarming, Hafner finished by hitting .186 in 11 playoff games. This article (scroll down a ways) has a nice chart.

Hafner's slump has continued throughout the first quarter of the 2008 season. He's hitting .217 with four homers and is on pace for over 150 strikeouts. That is if he can stay off the DL, which is a possibility after missing his third straight game with a bum shoulder.

But hey, cool jacket, man.

All-Star voters like the Yankees and Red Sox, don't follow baseball

Here's what we've learned from the first balloting results for the 2008 MLB All-Star Game:

1. There are a lot of Yankee and Red Sox fans. (But you already knew that. We did, too. So we guess we didn't learn that. Sorry.)
2. Voters don't have any fucking idea of who deserves to be representing the American League.
3. Voters have a much better idea of who deserves to be representing the National League.
4. Raisins are just dried grapes.
5. Perennial sluggers are having lousy seasons.
6. There aren't that many players who are having non-lousy seasons.
7. If these votes stand, the National League might finally win this thing. (This time it counts!)

We've listed the people you've selected first and listed who should be selected below. There's more than a month left before ballots must be submitted, so these names will/should change.

Fan voting:

C - Jason Varitek -- .268, 6 HR, 19 RBI
1B - Kevin Youkilis -- .306, 9 HR, 35 RBI
2B - Dustin Pedroia -- .289, 3 HR, 27 RBI
3B - Alex Rodriguez -- .286, 7 HR, 17 RBI (DL stint)
SS - Derek Jeter -- .286, 2 HR, 24 RBI
OF - Manny Ramirez -- .292, 9 HR, 34 RBI
OF - Ichiro Suzuki -- .292, 3 HR, 14 RBI, 22 SB
OF - Vladimir Guerrero -- .258, 7 HR, 28 RBI
DH - David Ortiz -- .253, 12 HR, 40 RBI

Should be:

C - Joe Mauer -- .329, 0 HR, 20 RBI
1B - Youkilis
2B - Ian Kinsler -- .294, 7 HR, 32 RBI, 15 SB
SS - Michael Young -- .279, 5 HR, 24 RBI
3B - Miguel Cabrera - .275, 8 HR, 29 RBI
OF - Josh Hamilton - .329, 13 HR, 58 RBI
OF - Carlos Quentin - .297, 14 HR, 44 RBI
OF - Carl Crawford - .281, 4 HR, 29 RBI, 14 SB
DH - Ortiz

*All stats through Tuesday.

Funny, too, is that all those Red Sox fans didn't vote for their most legit candidate: outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury. And Carlos Quentin isn't even on the ballot! Write him in!

All-Star ballots must be submitted by July 3. So go support Democracy. Like, now!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Best: Album

Welcome to "The Best," a new series from the people who brought you "Would You Do," "Blogger Interviews" and "What Really Grinds My Gears."

It's just what it sounds like: what's the best ______? "Best" is such a subjective word and that's really the point -- let's get you guys talking! If this works, there will be intelligent, thoughtful debate on the day's topic. And if it doesn't work, well, back to the drawing board.

Some great music over the years. And we don't listen to that many types -- Country, R&B and Pop have never really caught our ear. But there are some very successful artists from those genres. And then there's the stuff we do listen to.

Some of the top albums ever recorded that come to mind:

-Dr. Dre: The Chronic
-Pearl Jam: Ten
-Snoop Dogg: Doggystyle
-Nirvana: Nevermind
-The Beatles: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Wow! Some great music. The best album ever made? Yours please in the comments.

A friendly face

We've told you about our gym friend before -- you know the one. If you don't, here's a reminder.
In comes this guy we'd seen around the Y before. Older dude...maybe late 50s, but he coulda passed for 125. He was Nicole Richie-thin, had wispy, graying hair and an unkept beard. Man, this beard was fucking awesome. If there were birds living in there, we'd be the least surprised. He probably hasn't shaved since '72.

Anyway, this guy starts doing some stretches and shit. We usually mind our business at the gym, try to keep our head down, avoid eye contact. But as this hombre was stretching, we couldn't help but stare.

It sure looked like this older man was trying to suck his own dick. Like actually. He was really going after it. He even had the facial expression showing his hunger. Of course, he would've said he was just stretching or doing some yoga or pilates or whatever the fuck it is that older people do at the gym. But he was hands down trying to suck on his own cock. He would've done it too if we weren't there. He was craving it. We were the only thing in his way.
We saw this man again last week, but in much different circumstances: he was flossing.

But he was doing it with the same ferocity and passion that he displays when trying to suck his own cock. This guy is a fucking awesome flosser. Bent over the sink, chin turned up, he nearly had his entire fist in his fucking mouth, trying to get all those tough-to-reach spots. And you better believe he got them. He's that good.

We're not sure if a dentist would be proud or appalled -- like this guy was breaking all conventional rules of flossing but he was doing it with a passion that prevents a dentist from committing suicide. (Dentists, ya know, have one of the highest rates of suicide by profession).

We've gotten to the point that we think we could make an honest pitch to make a successful reality show out of following this guy around. If he goes after the cock and flosses with such intensity and passion, imagine him doing the other daily rituals that we take for granted.

Look for the show soon. We'd probably call it something like "Man really likes to suck his own cock and floss" or "Daily Life."

But probably "Man really likes to suck his own cock and floss."

MTV will eat it right up.

Here we go on the Reds again

About two months ago we got really excited about the Reds. Cincinnati is loaded with young talent, the Great American Ballpark is gorgeous (and is the best-named stadium in baseball) and Cincinnati is a blossoming city. That last part we made up.

So when the Reds' young talent makes as big of an impact as it did Tuesday, we can only help but get excited.

In his MLB debut, Jay Bruce went nuts, going 3-3 with a double, two RBIs and a handful of other nice stats helping the Reds to a 9-6 win over Pittsburgh.

He wasn't the only youngster doing wonders. Joey Votto went 3-5 with a run and Johnny Cueto gave up two earned over five innings for the win.

Hey, all their names start with a J. Steve Rushin would probably make a play on words about that.

Start rooting for the Reds. Seriously. They're going to be fucking raw. Same with the Rays. They're raw, too. And young. Maybe we should be writing about the Rays.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Get Well Big Brown

Big B, what's happenin', Buddy? Barbaro here. Listen I just wanted to tell you to get well soon. I heard you were hurting, but that things seem to be going OK. Look, we all know what can happen to a horse when their rehab doesn't go well, so do what you can to get better. You don't want to end up here with me. Well maybe you do -- the pussy's to die for. (Get it?! Get it?!) But only after you've won the Triple Crown and studded about 1,000 kids. I never got to do all that shit. But I want to see you do it. So get better. And kick some ass in the Belmont. Do it for Barbaro.

P.S. Eight Belles says she's got somethin' special for ya if you win.

At least I'm not Geremi Gonzalez

Hello Big Picture readers. Allow me to address you directly. I'm having a hard time right now. Ever since I experienced the ultimate high of all highs upon meeting Bobby Hebert, things haven't been so great. The next day I got sick (I think it was food poisoning). Then my summer job tried to low ball me with a shitty salary. Then, as if things weren't bad enough, some asshole broke the window in my car. For the second time.

See this is weird. I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. It's near the university, full of students, and generally pretty safe. But for the second time in two months somebody smashed the very same window in my car -- the right rear door window. What did they take, you ask. Nothing. The first time my digital camera was in the car. The second time a set of golf clubs. Not nice ones or anything, but still. Why do you smash a car window and not take anything? And should I count myself lucky that nothing was stolen or unlucky that someone thinks my car is a glass punching bag? The worst part? That very same window got broken last summer by a total fluke accident when a friend of mine tapped the window with an empty bottle.

So what does this have to do with sports? Well, nothing. But after this happened I was pretty upset, until I realized that when you put things in perspective, getting a broken window isn't that bad. At least I wasn't killed by lightning. So, condolences to the Gonzalez family. And remember kids, there's more to life than car windows.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day. Woohoo!

Happy Memorial Day, fellow patriots. Now go honor those who gave their lives fighting for democracy.

Or go to the beach. We might be at the beach.

And that's Denise Milani, if, ugh, you don't make it to the beach.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Best movie series of all time

Last Indiana Jones post, we swear.

Speaking of Indy, anyone see it yet? Spoiler-free reviews? How's Harrison Ford look at 96?

Our excitement over the new movie is clear and it got us thinking if it's the best movie series of all time. Very well might be.

Some other trilogies/series that come to mind:

Die Hard
Lethal Weapon
Star Wars
Care Bears

So, the best movie series of all time...?

I'm in a slump and I can't get out

That's a picture of a generic bathroom and toilet.

Mine looks nothing like it. My bathroom has a TV, stereo, PS3, bookshelf and full bar. OK, there's no bookshelf.

I made my bathroom like this because I spend more time there than I do anywhere else. The bulk of my time is spent on the toilet because I haven't taken a proper shit in about 18 years.

I swear, I need to make a fucking appointment now to drop a deuce. Trying to run out to the 9 a.m. meeting? 7:30 date with the pot. Girl friend coming over in the evening? Cut work early and carve out time for a second shower. Having company? Make a "beer run."

At first it was funny. And I could catch up on reading material, which is always nice. But every morning (and sometimes afternoons, nights, weekends, anniversaries, holidays) I just roll my eyes and think, "here we go again." I've considered anorexia to mitigate my problem.

Sometimes things are just going well: your team is winning, your sex life is at the twice-a-day level and you're pumping out those well-packed, one-wipe shits. Really, when things are good, they're good.

But when things aren't good, it just becomes embarrassing. At work, if you duck away for 45 minutes, you better have a fucking excuse.

"I was at lunch."
"It's 10:15."
"I was at breakfast."
"No you weren't. Were you taking a crap? You were! You were taking a crap!"

I get really good at looking at my cell phone when I go back so it looks like I had a real important call that I needed to take elsewhere. But people see right through that. They know the truth...that I just set fire to the corporate john.

This Memorial Day, may your day off be nice. Mine will be spent in the bathroom.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

If Indiana Jones characters were MLB players

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens today and we are whip-lashing, grail-seeking ecstatic (whatever that means. But "that belongs in a museum!")! We have a big-time man crush on Indy and watched the first three installments of the series the past two weekends to get us all riled up.

Now we want to share the excitement with the Nazis Kali Ma you by comparing the most memorable Indiana Jones characters to Major League Baseball players.

Indiana Jones:
Greg Maddux

Indy, besides being a Nazi and cult-killing badass, is a charming professor of archeology. Dr. Jones uses his historical knowledge and wits to outsmart the bad guys before pulling out the signature whip to finish them off. And he hates snakes. Enter Maddux, whose nickname is “The Professor.” Like Indy, Maddux uses his smarts to beat the opponents. His stuff isn’t overwhelming, but he keeps batters off balance and has pinpoint control. During his span of four consecutive Cy Young Awards from 1992-1995 he maintained a walks and hits per innings pitched under 1.00, so he’s equally effective with the WHIP. Now that he’s in the NL West pitching for the Padres, he hates the Diamondbacks. And they're both ancient.

Arnold Toht:
Marty Cordova

Toht is the creepy Nazi character who is remembered for:
1. Being really freakin’ creepy
2. Burning his hand on the medallion while torching Marion’s Nepal tavern
3. Having his face melted by the spirits of the Ark (1981 special effects!)
We don’t know Cordova to be creepy, but the former outfielder once missed a game in 1992 after burning his face in a tanning bed. So, in a way, his face melted. Sort of. Maybe. We think.

The Ark of the Covenant:
The Major League Baseball Players Association

The power of the Ark is said to make any army invincible -- possess the Ark, control the world. In baseball, the players control the union -- the ark -- that has prevented a salary cap in the league. The ark looks cooler, though.

Mola Ram:
Joe Carter

The villain in Temple of Doom is the cult leader and brainwashes people with the blood of Kali Ma. The guy’s a total wack-job and is best remembered for making human sacrifices by ripping out peoples’ beating, burning hearts. Joe Carter is no cult leader, but he ripped out the hearts of Philadelphia fans in Game 6 of the 1993 World Series with a series-clinching walk-off homerun. That blast, in a way, killed Phillies pitcher Mitch Williams.

Kevin Youkilis

Shorty’s the happy-go-lucky sidekick of Indiana Jones in Temple of Doom. He’s a scrappy little fella who’s always there to give Indy a hand, and is a nag on the bad guys. In baseball terms, Shorty would be the “tough out.” He’s not the best hitter in the lineup, but he sees a lot of pitches and can hit with two strikes. That’s Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis. His average is steady and he averages more than 4.0 pitches per at-bat, putting him in the top 10 in the league. He’s that guy who always seems to get the key hit. And the two look a lot alike.

Henry Jones:
Cecil Fielder

Played masterfully by Sean Connery, Henry Jones is the father of Indiana Jones. He’s a religious man who has dedicated his life to finding the Holy Grail instead of raising his son, causing an estrangement between the two. Cecil and his son, Milwaukee slugger, Prince, have a rocky relationship. They like don’t get along at all. Kinda sad, really. But the younger Fielder seems to have surpassed his father’s ability -- like Indy. (See, we draw parallels.)

The Holy Grail:
Julio Franco

The Grail is said to give eternal life to whoever drinks from it. In the baseball world, that’s Julio Franco who just retired after a 23-year career. We have a suspicion he’ll still be playing when he’s 65.

Now go see the new Indiana Jones flick. Their marketing people didn’t pay us for this healthy promotion. They probably should have. (Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.)

Your comparisons in the comments please.

The Sonics would be better off moving to Chernobyl

According to this list, wonderfully titled "Hells on Earth," Oklahoma City ranks ahead of the likes of Baghdad and Chernobyl as one of the top five worst cities in the world.
While it may be all hunky-dory on the musical front, Oklahoma City isn’t the kind of place you’d want to hang out in for too long if you like to keep your feet on terra firma. The weather is frighteningly unpredictable, with blizzards often descending on the city and winds that could knock a high rise clean off its feet. It is, after all, located in the direct path of “Tornado Alley.”
So, yeah, Kevin Durant is going to be blown away by a tornado.

South American soccer fans like flares, riots

Big Picture dad was in Santiago, Chile last week and went to a soccer game. He tells the tale aided by some photos.

My friend's favorite soccer team played a semi-final game last night at their National Stadium in Santiago. Fearing fights and damage to the stadium -- from the home fans! -- the place was filled with cops in full riot gear. Fans for each team were separated by police trucks and fences. These photos show the home team’s end zone, packed with fans. The team is La Universidad de Chile, known affectionately by their fans as The U. By the way, the rest of the stadium was essentially empty.

In the first photo you can see the cops in riot gear. Also note that the track is covered with plywood, to protect it from flares that the fans throw.

In the second photo, the “U” was made with flares that the fans organize on their own. What you can’t see are the fans singing and chanting the entire game. Very, very cool. (The home team lost -- but I was lucky enough to have to leave early and miss the inevitable damage to the stadium.) To say soccer fans in Chile are passionate is the understatement of the year.

[Correction: A terrible error was made in yesterday’s story of soccer in South America. The U is the University of Chile, not the University of Santiago. Our apologies. Anything to prevent these passionate U fans from coming here and messing with us.]

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My night with Bobby Hebert

[Clarification: Big Picture correspondent JMC was the lucky one spending the night with Hebert. I had a date with my right hand. - ZLS]

From the time his name was immortalized on Seinfeld, Bobby Hebert has been kind of a legend to us here at The Big Picture. In fact, we once made up a game at the summer camp where we worked called the Bobby Hebert Quarterback Challenge. Never in our wildest imagination did we ever think that we would some day get to spend an evening, shoot the shit, and have some beers with the great Bobby H. But last weekend, I did.

Now in respect for Mr. Hebert and his privacy I won't divulge exactly how or why or where I had the chance to meet him, but I will say that the night involved a nice meal on Bobby and a hell of a good time.

Some things I learned about Bobby Hebert:

-He's tall, but not giant. He could be a regular guy.
-He dips.
-Even though he dips, his teeth are really white.
-His accent is totally awesome.
-Not afraid to drop an f-bomb (or any other swear word).
-Can tell some great stories.
-When telling you great stories, he likes to get real close and tap you on the arm with the back of his hand again and again.
-He will always refill your beer when it's empty.
-Although I didn't get to see it first hand, apparently he's a stud at beer pong.
-His ex-wife is a total MILF.
-Got promoted from doing just pre/post game radio to doing the weekly commuter show because somebody at the radio station died.

Some stories Bobby told:

-The one about the guy who played tackle, but after getting completely demoralized by Lawrence Taylor, moved to guard and never played tackle again. Here's how it went: on the first play he tried to get a quick start and block LT off the play, but LT used a swim move and sacked Bobby. The next time he stayed back, LT saw he was on his heels, drove right into him, and dropped him onto Bobby's legs. He was never the same.
-The one about Jack Del Rio getting traded because Jim Mora didn't like him being too casual during a walk through.
-The one about going fishing with Deion Sanders. Apparently Deion is actually fairly down to Earth and a really good clubhouse guy. He would say "Hey Hebert, let's go fishing." And then they did.
-The one about getting sacked by Lawrence Taylor and how it hurt like shit. In fact, if I remember correctly he said that LT was the only guy he was ever genuinely scared of, because he had such a crazy look in his eye. He also said that a friend of his played with LT and told him stories about LT being all strung out and sleeping during practice, slumped over a blocking dummy, while the offense was on the field.
-The one about the guy who was hung like a clydesdale. Get this: apparently this guy's wang wouldn't fit in his jock, and if he had it going down his leg he couldn't run. So he taped it to his hip, and one time he got hit in the side. He came off the field in agony, and everyone thought it was a hip pointer, until he said "I got my dick taped over here and it just got crushed." By the way I almost choked and fell off my chair when he told this story I was laughing so hard. The best part might be that he said they met this guy's wife at the team Christmas party and she was so tiny that they all wondered, "How can she take that?"

Best parts of the night:

-Seeing Bobby standing outside the restaurant dipping, then going back inside to check out the group of transsexuals that walked in after us.
-Hearing Bobby do his impression of Jim Mora saying "Playoffs?!?"
-Trying on his jersey.
-Hearing how excited he was that his son T-Bob (that's right, T-Bob) plays for LSU. He even told us his jersey number so we could watch for him.
-Telling Bobby about how we named the Quarterback Challenge after him. He was stoked. And maybe even a little honored.
-Hearing a story from a family friend about when he was a kid and Bobby was still playing -- one day the friend went over to the Hebert house and Bobby was on the treadmill and he said "Look at my calves! They're as big as you!"
-Hearing him complain about how good the 49ers were, and how he could never beat them. If he had been in the AFC he could have gone to the Super Bowl.
-Telling Bobby that we will call into his show and rag on T-Bob if and when he gives up a sack. He loved it.
-All of it.

So Bobby, thanks for making our night. And good luck T-Bob, we'll be watching for you.

Wake us up when it's Bobcats-Clippers

Yawn. When the Spurs finally took out the Hornets the other day, we rolled our eyes. When, oh when, will the NBA have the parity that has made MLB and the NFL so fun to watch in recent years? Spurs again? Lakers again? Pistons again?

Let's review. The Spurs or Lakers have been Western Conference champs nine of the last 10 years, with only the Mavs breaking through that one time. Surprisingly, they've only met head to head in the Western Conference Finals once during that span, so that makes this matchup at least a tiny bit interesting, but not really.

Detroit has been in the Eastern Conference Finals for six straight years and frankly the act is getting boring. At least we haven't seen the Celts this far in a while, but we're talking about a team with SIXTEEN NBA titles. Second to them? The Lakers with 14. In fact, the final four NBA teams are 1st, 2nd, 4th, and 5th, on the list of most titles all time.

We're ready for something new. Where are the Hawks, and the Raptors, and the Grizzlies? When do the Knicks finally get good? Why the hell can't the Nuggets win with Melo and AI? Oh well, once again we'll have the same damn teams in the NBA conference finals. Wake us up when it's over.

And another thing -- what's with all the anti-Celtics sentiment? Are they a particularly unlikeable team? Or do people just like to root for the underdog? Fuck Boston? At least they're not the Spurs.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What the hell was Jannero Pargo thinking?

That's Hornets guard Jannero Pargo, who surely is missing a shot in New Orleans' Game 7 loss to San Antonio.

We don't care that Pargo had 16 of his 18 points in the fourth quarter. He had those points because he was chucking up the ball like he was playing a fucking pickup game.

He set up isolation for himself and took terrible shots and got bailed out by a few cheap fouls on what should have been turnovers.

He shot 6-16 from the floor which is absolutely inexcusable when you have an MVP candidate in Chris Paul and ultra-talented inside threat in David West on the floor. Why was Pargo even on the court?

This AP writer
was clearly watching a different game.
Buoyed by a home crowd that stood throughout the fourth quarter, the Hornets fought back to make a game of it, largely behind Pargo, who had done little in this series. He scored seven straight on four free throws sandwiched around a 3-pointer, pulling the Hornets to 81-77 with 3:10 to go.
Paul Forrester's quick hits on were, unlike Pargo's shots, on target.
Every team shortens its rotation at this time of year; the difference for the Spurs is that the selected few who come off Gregg Popovich's bench at crunch time hit multiple threes, like Robert Horry and Michael Finley each did in Game 7...In short, they place the bow on the Spurs' biggest wins. They did so again Monday against a New Orleans club who could only counter with the bombs-away approach of Jannero Pargo, whose scoring was welcome, but whose lack of much else wasn't.
Don't know if we would go as far as saying Pargo blew that game, but for a guy who didn't do anything in the team's biggest ever series, why he chose to make himself the go-to-guy with the season on the line seems nothing short of ridiculous.

(Getty Image)

Tom Brady...not so bad after all

We always considered Tm Brady evil. He wins MVPs, Super Bowls, has millions of dollars, endorsement deals and doesn't exactly struggle with the ladies.

If that's not the epitome of evil, we don't know what is.

But then the above photo appeared on The Big Lead Monday and we remembered that Brady is a Bay Area native. He rides BART, witnessed "The Catch" in person and roots for the Giants. Now what could possibly be evil about that?

We believe that lady next to him is his sister, who we would consider after, oh, two Long Islands.

Is Jim Edmonds the best centerfielder of this era?

Or does he just make some spectacular plays, like this one Monday.

Edmonds is also known for these spectacular catches when he was on the Angels and Cardinals.
(Video anyone?)

We've always loved the way that Andruw Jones plays center and Griffey Jr. was magnificent in his prime.

Sometimes players who make fantastic diving catches just aren't fast enough to track the ball and get under it -- Jones used to have that speed that he made any play look easy.

Edmonds is one of the best for highlight reels, no doubt. The best centerfielder though? Certainly debatable.

NBA Lottery! (Exclamation point!)

We feel like we're bad sports fans this time of year: we couldn't get into the NBA playoffs if every game came down to the last shot and every series went seven; we're only a quarter of the way through the baseball season; and college sports aren't exactly relevant in May, unless the NCAA Women's Softball Tournament does it for you.

But today is the NBA Lottery, which we will get (and already are) very excited for. The only better use of ping pong balls is throwing them into beer-filled cups.

Miami's odds are the best, with Seattle also having a pretty legit shot at the top pick in June's draft. Although the Warriors missed out on the playoffs, there are five silver linings, coming in the shape of five bouncy balls. (Complete odds list here).

Common logic right now has Miami taking K-State's Michael Beasley, but has the Heat going with Memphis' Derrick Rose and the Supes taking Beasley. Holy moly! Beasley and Kevin Durant together in Seatt...err...Oklahoma would be nuts!

So yeah. Ping pong balls! If that doesn't get you excited, don't forget about the NBA Lottery Drinking Game.

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Best: Uniforms

Welcome to "The Best," a new series from the people who brought you "Would You Do," "Blogger Interviews" and "What Really Grinds My Gears."

It's just what it sounds like: what's the best ______? "Best" is such a subjective word and that's really the point -- let's get you guys talking! If this works, there will be intelligent, thoughtful debate on the day's topic. And if it doesn't work, well, back to the drawing board.

There are so many different categories of uniforms: classics, throwbacks, modern and downright hideous (Oregon Ducks, we're looking at you).

It's so subjective; do you like the traditional Yankees pinstripes, the more modern looking Seahawks unis or the simple Carolina Blue?

Here are some of our favorites:

-Cincinnati Reds white jerseys with pinstripes
-Texas Longhorn football all whites
-Ravens all blacks

Oh boy. There are so many good ones! Yours please in the comments.

One more leg for Big Brown

America is on board with a horse whose name sounds like either a pornography actor or a weak attempt at toilet humor.

Big Brown, after crushing the field in the Preakness, is one win away from joining the likes of Seattle Slew, Affirmed and Secretariat by winning the first Triple Crown in 30 years.

The way Big Brown is running, it doesn't seem like we'll have a repeat of 2002-04 where War Emblem, Funny Cide and Smarty Jones, respectively, won the first two legs before losing the Belmont Stakes and being forgotten like the loser of any championship series.

It's nice to see a horse running so well, and for people to rally behind an animal. For some reason though, we're half expecting Big Brown to break a leg. Literally, unfortunately.

Friday, May 16, 2008

President Bush fond of Chase Utley, Roy Halladay

President Bush got to talking baseball earlier this week (not like there’s anything more pressing to discuss) and said the first position player he’d want if he owned a baseball team again is Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley.
“I like Utley from the Philadelphia Phillies," Bush said in a transcript at "He's a middle infielder, which is always - you know, they say strength up the middle. There's nothing better than having a good person up the middle that can hit."
We like Bush’s middle-infielder mentality, but we’d probably go with Hanley Ramirez who’s five years younger. We can't tell from the photo how Adam Dunn reacted to the news. But he's tall.

The first pitcher he’d want is Toronto’s Roy Halladay.
“He’s a steady guy,” Bush said. “He burns up innings.”
Sure does. But, and we say this with all due respect Mr. President, that’s a bogus choice. Johan Santana!?! Brandon Webb!?! Jake Peavy!?!

In case you were wondering, when asked the same question, Utley said he'd take Cole Hamels. Fuckin’ homer.

OK, folks, tear up G.W.’s predictions. You’re starting a baseball team. You get one position player and one starting pitcher. Who you taking?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Sports' biggest non-stories

Sometimes there just isn't news. It's the sad reality of the media. And it's ethically incorrect to make stuff up, we're told.

But blowing shit out of proportion isn't against the rules, and it has happened far too often lately. It leads to drawn out, meaningless "stories" that have little-to-no effect on, well, anything.

Sounds like a list.

The biggest non-stories in sports from the last year or so:

8. Barbaro

Nope. Very much a story.

7. Joba Chamberlain's antics.

Fans, too, no longer should pump fist, yell or gyrate. Gyrate?

6. What to do with 756?

Send it to Cooperstown? Send it to the Hall with an asterisk? Launch it into space?

Ah. Mark Eckō. Fashion designer. Baseball purist.

5. Jessica and Tony split.

Good for US Weekly, People or National Enquirer. Bad for ESPN, SI or Fox Sports.

4. Clemens sleeps with unknown country singer.

Clemens joins probably about, oh, a thousand other professional athletes who have had affairs. But, hey, he also allegedly took steroids! Let's make him wear an "A "on his chest and then burn him at the stake!

3. Earnhardt joins Hendrick Motorsports.

We once met a cabbie who went from Orange Cab Co. to Yellow Cab Co. Riots ensued.

2. Matt Leinart likes to fight for your right to paaar-taaay.

Elsewhere, young superstars have just started listening to the devil's music, called "Rock 'n' Roll."

1. Spygate.

If we are subjected to this one more time, we're going to commit seppuku with a parking meter.

We're missing some. Surely. We always do. No need to make a big fuss. Just let us know other big sports non-stories in the comments.

Kentucky recruits: They keep getting younger, college girls stay the same age

We knew Kentucky basketball had fallen on tough times, but we had no idea it was this bad. Seems that Coach Billy Gillispie is doing all he can to get an edge on his competition. And by edge we mean offering scholarships to kids who can’t grow hair on their balls chin.
On Sunday, UK offered a scholarship to Jeremiah Davis III, who is completing his ninth-grade year at Muncie (Ind.) Central High School. Gillispie saw Davis play in the same recent Akron, Ohio, basketball event that led to commitments from eighth-grader Michael Avery and ninth-grader Vinny Zollo.
Davis didn’t verbally commit like the other two juveniles, but there are a number of reasons that they won't officially sign with the Wildcats -- academic issues, Gillespie’s future, the state of Kentucky basketball or the fact that they’re freakin’ freshmen in high school (or younger!) AND MIGHT CHANGE THEIR MINDS DURING THE NEXT THREE YEARS.

But don’t expect Gillispie to withdraw the offers. That would set an awfully bad precedent. We’ll just cross our fingers and hope that the trio blossoms into D-II talent.

Oh, sorry: That's Gillispie in the photo there holding up eight fingers. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. He's holding up eight fingers.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

An upside to repeated losing?

We've all been there. Head in hands, swearing off fandom for good. It's the nature of sports; something we can only fault ourselves for getting so invested in.

Our heart has been ripped out and trampled by two teams: the 2002 San Francisco Giants and the 2005-06 Washington Huskies basketball team.

In the first few months of our freshman year, the Giants were making a run we had never seen. They blew through the National League and took a 3-2 lead into Game 6 of the 2002 World Series.

Then this happened.

We're not sure if we, or the Giants, have ever recovered.

As a fitting end to our college days -- some of that full-circle bullshit -- our beloved Husky hoopsters were in the Sweet 16 for a second-straight year. There was no way the Dawgs could beat tourney-favorite UConn, right? No way. But it's so tempting to look ahead, and UW fans knew that if the Dawgs could pull the upset, they could very well then beat Cinderella George Mason and make the Final Four.

Then this happened.

Really, it was a strange reaction to a gut-wrenching loss. When the Giants blew that five-run lead, we tore apart our dorm room. When Rashad Anderson made a 3-pointer with 1.8 seconds left to send the game to OT, there was no sound. Standing up in anticipation of an Elite Eight appearance, we just crumbled to the floor.

After the game, of course, we drenched our pillow in tears. Don't laugh. It's OK to cry in sports.

But this horrible decision to recount our lowest moments in fandom is leading to a point.

Lately, our teams have been fucking miserable. The Giants can't hit, the Huskies can't hit free throws, the 49ers don't have a quarterback...the list goes on.

But rooting for terrible teams has been uplifting; we're not angry all the time! We don't break windows now when the Giants lose a July game to the Pirates. Or when the Dawgs miss a free throw to lose the game a la Darius Washington Jr.

Are we nuts? It's not that we want our teams to suck, but sucking has its perks. Really. We don't think a Royals fan would skip a party with strippers and blow to watch KC take on Minnesota in June. A die-hard Cubs fan might. To have a conference hoops game ruin your Saturday night is not fun, but it's the reality of a Duke fan. When Florida loses on the football field, Gators fans feel like the world is coming to an abrupt end.

Sports just set you up for heartbreak anyway. Unless you live in Boston, where teams are rarely mediocre.

Boston. Fuck.

Shawn Estes. Shawn Estes!

It's always a good thing when you read a Padres-Cubs recap and get all exclamation point-y! Because longtime Giant Shawn Estes is back in the league -- and got his 100th career win. Yay!
Estes pitched 5 1/3 innings and the Padres' bullpen secured the win with 3 2/3 innings of hitless relief.

Estes (1-0), who pitched 1 2/3 innings in relief on Thursday, only made one start in 2006 for the Padres and missed the 2007 season recovering from Tommy John surgery.
Comeback stories are always fun and Estes was one of those good guys in baseball, with little ego, a sense of humor and some charisma.

So welcome back, Shawn Estes. If that is your real name, Aaron!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

...And the Lost feature film will come out in 2025

We're incredibly stoked about the new Indiana Jones movie -- we even re-watched the trilogy on USA last weekend.

But it's another example of a bizarre trend of movies being made about 15 years too late. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was made in 1989, so to wait nearly 20 years to make the next one in the saga seems strange. And now Harrison Ford is like 80.

Speed Racer was a show in the late 60s and again in the late 90s that, from what we've heard, was never exactly popular. It'd be like making a How I Met Your Mother movie in 30 years.

Also in this wave of movies made too late: Live Free or Die Hard, Nancy Drew, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Shaft, Transformers, Get Smart.


Been saying "good deal" a lot lately. Not really sure what the fuck that even means.


To say the NBA Playoffs are long and boring would be like beating Barbaro or Eight Belles. (Get it?! Get it?!)

Believe it or not, we like the seven-game format; we think it ensures the best team will win. And as we've written plenty times before, we like sports justice.

But the time between games is absolutely absurd. When the Lakers and Jazz play Sunday in Utah and wait until Wednesday to play in LA is aggravating. Last we checked, it takes about, oh, two hours to fly from Utah to LA.

Conspiracy to rest Kobe's back?


Fun game: to sleep with Erin Andrews -- one night, no strings attached, no anal -- how far would you go? Would you...

-Give up red meat for a year?
-Lose (without pain) your left small toe?
-Go to work naked?
-Not have any other sex the rest of the year?
-Watch an entire hockey game?
-Admit to liking Jack Black?


We're admittedly frugal at times. But nothing fucking grinds our gears like paying for parking. Paying for a motherfucking space next to a curb. Or on a giant, flattened slab of concrete with white lines. Ridiculous.

And we're not talking about paying for parking at like a game or concert or something. But like on a fucking city street.

Absolutely outrageous. Not only is gas $4 a gallon, they bend you over when you reach your destination and stick a parking meter in your ass.


Nothing about getting a parking meter stuck in your ass sounds pleasant. Except you may then start shitting coins, which, we suppose, could have its perks.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Best: MLB Ballpark

Welcome to "The Best," a new series from the people who brought you "Would You Do," "Blogger Interviews" and "What Really Grinds My Gears."

It's just what it sounds like: what's the best ______? "Best" is such a subjective word and that's really the point -- let's get you guys talking! If this works, there will be intelligent, thoughtful debate on the day's topic. And if it doesn't work, well, back to the drawing board.

Perhaps the best vacation we ever took was a nine-day tour of eight Major League ballparks. We took redeyes through lightning storms, got free umbrellas in Houston and hung out in the dugout with Jon Miller and Joe Morgan in Colorado.

We've seen a lot of ballparks and we bring many factors into play when thinking of our favorite. Appearance, food, fans, location, special features (like the pole in centerfield at Minute Maid!).

With all things considered, here's how our top five would play out:

1. PNC Park (Pirates)
2. AT&T (Giants)
3. Camden Yards (Orioles)
4. Ballpark in Arlington (Rangers)
5. Wrigley Field (Cubs)

Your turn. Make your case for the best ballpark in the comments.

NFC North QBs can't throw very well

That's Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna. You may remember him from making bold preseason predictions, wearing a naked suit for Halloween and getting absolutely pummeled by Shawntae Spencer.

And Jon Kitna is the best quarterback in the NFC North. Take that in for a minute. Deep breath. Good. Now send a letter to the NFL asking if it can realign so that your favorite team can move to the NFC North.

Names to know: Aaron Rodgers, Brian Brohm, Tavaris Jackson, Kyle Orton, Sexy Rexy. Their career stats:

Rodgers, Packers: 0 games started, 59.3 completion %, 1 TDs, 1 INTs, 329 yards, 73.3 rating.
Brohm, Packers: 0 GS, n/a completion %, 0 TDs, 0 INTs, 0 yards, n/a rating.
Jackson, Vikings: 14 GS, 58.1 completion %, 11 TDs, 16 INTs, 2,386 yards, 69.0 rating.
Orton, Bears: 18 GS, 52.0 completion %, 12 TDs, 15 INTs, 2,347 yards, 62.2 rating.
Rexy, Bears: 30 GS, 54.3 completion %, 31 TDs, 33 INTs, 5,907 yards, 70.9.
Kitna, Lions: 111 GS, 59.9 completion %, 147 TDs, 146 INTs, 26,535 yards, 76.9 rating.

Holy fuck-fust! Is the 2008 NFC North the worst quarterback division of all time? Well, not if Jon Kitna has something to say about it!

Couple has 18th child so they can field two full baseball teams

Have you heard of the Duggars? Well if you haven't, here you go. Michelle and Jim Bob (you read that correctly) already have 17 kids, and are expecting No. 18, due on Jan. 1. Why so many kids? It seems clear to us at The Big Picture that they want to be able to field two full baseball teams.

This is the kind of thing you have to do when all your 17 kids are home schooled. Not to mention all of their names start with J, so clearly they're too religious to let the kids have fun.

Of course, it will be about five years until the youngest one is old enough to play ball, and by that time the oldest will be 25 and there will probably be three or four more kids. Maybe we're wrong about baseball and they just want to play some 11 on 11 football. Mom and Dad get to coach. Of course, Mom will probably miss the game because she'll be in labor.

The only question now is, what name will they give the newest addition to the family? We're thinking if it's a boy it should be Jango, for this guy, and if it's a girl? Easy, Jessica! Those are just OUR ideas... let's hear yours in the comments. Or you could go vote for the lame ideas the Discovery Channel has.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Who's got the edge? Jeter or Mayer

Hot Clicks' Jimmy Traina sparks very provocative, intelligent debate: who's dated the hotter women: Jeter or Mayer?

We would probably do all of them. We just thought we'd let you know a little bit about us.

So, the hotter bunch of ladies? Make your case in the comments. Our thoughts will lead things off...

The Pirates could be World Champions (if they played the Giants more often)

No need to sugarcoat this: The Pittsburgh Pirates are a very bad team and have been for a very long time. They haven’t had a .500+ season since 1992. That was only a year after the fall of the Soviet Union! Yeeesh.

Normally, we’d sympathize for an organization in such shambles. But not the Pirates. We fucking hate the Pirates. If their sunflower seeds tasted like spoiled sour cream that’d be fine. We’d also like it if they never learned to read.

Because, Jesus, they fucking kill our San Francisco Giants.

After the Pirates 5-4 win yesterday, which completed a three-game sweep, they are now 20-8 against the Giants dating back to 2004. That’s a .714 winning percentage. Their winning percentage over that five-year span is .427.

The Giants haven't exactly been a successful team during that time period, either. But still. They're the Pirates.

Now please, Pittsburgh, go lose 10 in a row. And may your iPods only play Hannah Montana songs.

Gorgeous park, though.

Juuuust a bit...well, it's high. Kinda over the plate. High, yes. But not really too close to Richie. Little lower and it's a strike.

Maybe that's the natural way to react when you're hitting .209 and your team has scored a combined one run in three straight losses to the lowly Rangers. Or, ya know, Richie wanted to keep his throwing arm warm between innings.

On SI cover jinxes

We're about, oh, two years late on this, but noticed this while scanning the many SI covers that litter the walls of our penthouse apartment: Albert Pujols was on the Baseball Preview issue in 2006. The 2006 World Champs? The St. Louis Cardinals. Well how about that?

The SI vault, which is perhaps the best thing on the Net short of porn, also shows that Pujols graced the cover of the May 22, 2006 issue.

Though the notorious cover jinx seems to be going strong, if you're the type to believe in jinxes, curses and vampires. After the Cubs' Kosuke Fukudome was highlighted on the cover last week with the headline, "It's Gonna Happen," the North Siders have gone 3-5 and lost control of first place in the NL Central -- to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Full circle, bitches. Full circle.

The Lehigh Valley IronPigs are not very good

It's a good thing for Phillies fans that Double-A has become the new breeding ground for the top talent in baseball because the Phils Triple-A affiliate, Lehigh Valley, is off to, well, a slow start.
So we want to point you toward those International League standings where, in scenic Allentown, Pa., the Lehigh Valley IronPigs are off to kind of a rough start:

As in 5-29.

Amazingly, one pitcher -- Brian Mazone -- has four of their five wins. Which means the other 14 men who have gone to the mound for those IronPigs are a combined 1-26.

But here's the good news: Their magic number is 14.

Not to make the playoffs, obviously. To avoid going down as the worst team in minor-league history.

If they win just 14 more games -- which would compute to a 19-125 season -- they would guarantee themselves a higher winning percentage than the late, great 1951 Granite Falls Graniteers of the Western Carolina League.

That team roared to the finish line, losing its last 33 games in a row to finish at 14-96.
Must be lots of fun to be in the clubhouse right now. Wait, what's that you say? Kris Benson's on the team?! Wow! Get him to cheat on Anna and it will be lots of fun in that clubhouse.

[Un-sexy update]: The Bensons got divorced. Like two years ago. Fuck.

[SEXY UPDATE!!!!]: Our boy Frigidevil points us towards this fantastic news!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

What's the most you've ever lost on a coin toss?

Call it. You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn't be fair.

What in the world has happened to Andruw Jones?

That there is Andruw Jones. We're pretty sure that he's either dreaming about striking out or just did strike out.

He's done that 36 times this season. He's had 106 at-bats. That's about one strikeout every three times up, which is only two-thirds better than we could do (If Train A leaves station 1 at 9:45 a.m. and Train B...oh, never mind.).

Other troubling statistics:

Batting Average: .170
HRs: 1

RBIs: 4

OPS: .543

These are the other big-leaguers with one homerun and four RBIs:

Raul Casanova
Ryan Raburn
Morgan Ensberg

Gregg Zaun

Mike Rivera

Elite company.

Jones is just three years removed from a 51-homer season, but can't lay off the outside breaking ball in the dirt. He looks lost at the plate. (Good thing he's a Dodger!)

So, baseball fans, we ask you: What in the world has happened to Andruw Jones? Launch The Big Picture investigation in the comments.

Think that copy editor had one thing on his mind?

Wouldn't "returns home" have sufficed? Way to go CBS 13!

Guest Post: Cowboys should make for good TV

A few weeks ago we challenged readers to a friendly game of Torch Run. Those who beat our ridiculously good score were offered porn links, a free subscription to the site or a guest post.

And our boy Chris Stuckey took us up on the free post! Chris is a 20-year-old Texan who's well, from Texas. Chris roots for the Cowboys, Rangers, Stars, Mavericks and even the AFL's Desperados. Chris has met Quincy Carter and Nate Newton, who may or may not have tried to deal him 50 pounds of grass. Chris gives his take -- from a Dallas fan's perspective -- on the Cowboys being the subject of "Hard Knocks." Take it away...


HBO and NFL Films nailed it. Could they have chosen a better team to feature on their annual training camp documentary "Hard Knocks"? The Dallas Cowboys are probably the most intriguing team in the league when you combine both the on- and off-the-field elements. My sources informed me that the Bengals were also in running, but supposedly COPS already had dibs on them.

The possible storylines for HBO and NFL Films to follow are endless…

Tony Romo: He has obviously been one of America’s endless “feel good” stories that subsequently gets shoved down by your MSMers, but I must admit this…I have a ginormous man crush on him. I’ve never had feelings like this before and I’m actually starting worry about myself.

Jessica Simpson: Even if you hate the Cowboys, you have to like Jessica. What could be better than combining football with a hot, large-breasted blonde? Who from last year’s edition of “Hard Knocks” featuring the Chiefs got the most pub on the blogosphere? That’s right, it was Brodie Croyle’s hot ass wife. The Cowboys training camp site for 2008 is Oxnard, Calif., which is about an hour outside of Los Angeles. We have to have a Jessica sighting in one of the episodes.

Terrell Owens: I’m already getting my popcorn ready… When you put T.O. in front of a camera, you never know what might happen.

Jerry Jones: Is there an owner that craves attention more than Jerry? Jerry has recently been talking in vivid detail about Felix Jones’ butt quite a bit. Frankly, it makes me pretty uncomfortable.

And last but not least…

Pacman Jones (possibly): How could you not feature this guy? He is bound to get caught in a strip club before the end of the year. From what I hear, Zach has pledged to monitor as many strip clubs as possible throughout the US and plans to keep Jerry informed.

Bottom line: Kudos to HBO and NFL Films for locking down the ‘Boys. The prominent personalities combined with Jessica and the inevitable story about an undrafted free agent’s attempt to make the team should make for must see TV.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Frequently Asked Questions

The longer this site goes on, the more curious people get about what drives it; the motivation, the ideas, the stories.

So we'll respond to a series of emails that have come in over the last few months. Of course Lozo gave us the idea, and you guys the emails.

Why call it The Big Picture?

It was the name of our column at the college newspaper. And we wanted to write about national sports, so we thought of a cliché that could sum it all up. And it sounds better than, "Our Broad Take on Sports."

What teams do you root for?

The Giants, the Huskies and Barbaro -- even if he's dead.

If you could change one thing in sports, what would you change?

Joe Buck and the Marlins' uniforms. That was two.

What really pisses you off?

Not scoring a runner from third with less than two outs, overpriced drinks, the NBA, Joe Buck, American Idol, people who speak badly of Carmen Electra, prude girls, MTV.

What's your beef with Joe Buck?

He touched us when we were little. No really, he tried to show us his penis once. No really, he's just the most mundane sportscaster and can turn the most exciting event into a snoozefest. And he tried to have sex with us.

So who's your favorite sportscaster?

Mike Patrick, Gus Johnson, Ron Franklin and pretty much any CBS college football broadcast team.

Best chain restaurant?

Oxymoron, but we sure feel like family at the Olive Garden.

Has the blog helped you with girls?

Wilt Chamberlain has been asking for advice.

Why do you like fake breasts so much?

The same reason we like when girls wear make-up: it makes them look better. Have you seen Kim Kardashian without makeup? Holy shit! Run for the hills!

Would you rather witness the Giants winning the World Series or have sex with Carmen Electra?

Wow...both are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities and both will get you bragging rights for years. Though the Giants win would stay with you forever while sex with Electra would probably last about two minutes. And she might have Hepatitis.

If you could do anything, and money wasn't an issue, what would you do?

Go on a road trip and catch a different college football game every week, stopping at a local strip club along the way.

Why do you blog?

For the money. Obviously.

Are you serious?


Oh. You want us to play Fantasy NASCAR. Sure thing! Where do we sign up?

Jump off a bridge? You got it! Sign over our life savings? You betcha! Feed you grapes? Thought you'd never ask.

So, do we like pay you now or something?

(Big ups to Jay Busbee -- yes, that Jay Busbee -- for the find at From The Marbles).

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Barbaro 'just tryin’ to get by' in Horsey Heaven

Trust us when we say this: Horsey Heaven might not be as rosy as you think. We have proof!
Hey The Big Picture! Wassup!? It’s me, Barbaro. I saw what you wrote about Eight Belles yesterday and decided to stop by, say hi and set the record straight: Horsey Heaven is a fucking sausage fest. I’m just tryin’ to get by.

You think, “Oh now that Barbaro has a foxy filly up here he’s all set to make some little Barbaros.” But it ain’t like that.

I’ve got some serious competition, bro. Just ‘cause I’m all famous and shit you forget about the other stallions that died racing just like me. Funfair ate it at the Breeders’ Cup Mile in 2005, so he has an extra year of experience. Then there’s Pine Island who came up after the '06 Breeders’ Cup Distaff. And don’t forget about George Washington who ate shit at the Breeders’ Cup Classic in '07.

So if you think I’m going to be “tappin’ that ass” or “hittin’ it” or whatever it is you jackoffs say, think again. I’ve barely got a word in to Belles. And I see the way she looks at the other horses. It’s like I don’t even exist.

And maybe I don’t want Belles. You ever think about that, dipshits? I don’t need no second-place horse. Besides, the way we keep droppin’ on the track, another filly will be up here in no time. I’ll land me a winner.

Sorry if I came off rude or disrespectful. Things just aren’t what you might expect. But good will prevail. I will prevail. Because I am Barbaro.

Take care, The Big Picture.

Warm regards,
So that’s that. Call us corrected.

'Late Night Talking': Perfect for Mother's Day and other reading needs

Over a year ago we told you about our aunt's second novel, "Late Night Talking."

Well good news, it's now in paperback! Today you can buy your softer, lighter, cheaper, equally-as-good version of the book here, here, here or at any major or non-major bookstore. Or you could buy online AND at a bookstore. That'd probably be best, thanks.

If you want the 411 on Ms. Schnur, check out her website here, which sadly does not have pictures of us.

"Late Night Talking" is a fun novel that is good for you, your girlfriend or your mother. Your mother! It's Mother's Day Sunday! Don't forget!

So go buy a book or 10. If you don't, well, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus are going to gang up to cut off your penis and play badminton with it.

You don't want that.

Guns don't kill people, drunk idiots kill people

By now we're sure you've all heard about the Yankees fan who ran over a group of Red Sox fans, killing one of them. Not that we really want to make light of death two days in a row, but, well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

This further proves our longstanding credo: Guns don't kill people, idiots kill people. And in this case, drunk idiots.

There are two lessons that can be learned from this tragedy. One, don't be a drunken idiot. Two, don't take sports so darned seriously. Rivalries are supposed to be, ya know, fun. You're supposed to give your buddy a good natured ribbing, and point out that their team is inferior. And if you're a Giants fan, you can always make the point that, well, every time a Dodger scores a run, an angel has its wings ripped off by a demon. You're not supposed to kill each other.

This lady took things a little too far. And let's face it. We see this much too often. People getting into fights outside stadiums or in bars, little league coaches berating their players or an umpire, stampedes outside of soccer games, or Ozzie Guillen losing his fucking mind. Chill out people, chill out.

Of course, there may be another side to this story. Maybe she was a little tipsy, and thought she was the driver, and the Red Sox fans Kobe Bryant, filming a commercial. She thought wrong.

And now she has a Band-Aid on her nose.