Friday, May 29, 2009

It's like if Yao Ming grew three inches. And became slower. And looked different. And was named Sun Mingming.

World, meet Chinese center Sun Mingming. He's 7-foot-9, plays professionally in Japan and wears number 79 (maybe because he's 7-9? That would be a bit contrived.) Did we mention he's tall?
His size has led to the comparisons with his compatriot Yao of the, but Sun’s lack of speed is considered by some experts as a barrier to a career in the NBA.

If he ever makes it to the NBA, Sun would be the tallest player in the league’s history, overtaking Manute Bol and Gheorghe Muresan, who both stood 7-foot-7. Yao, at 7-foot-6, is the tallest active NBA player.

You'd think someone would take a waiver on him. If he can hold a basketball with two hands and walk without falling over, he's good for at least 15 and 10 a game.

Though his imposing figure could become a rude welcoming for some of the league's shorter players. Much like the defender picture above, fighting off a screen might turn into the 15-year-old's equivalent of second base. Though things could probably work out well for Sun's girlfriend: knee pads not necessary.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Fuck You, Bird

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Take a fucking hint, Bird. We don't like you and you don't like us. People don't go get all up in your shit by sitting on telephone wires and FLYING THROUGH THE FUCKING AIR. So when you enter our space, we'll hit you with a MOTHERFUCKING BASEBALL and make you explode like fireworks.

Oh yeah, that was on purpose, Bird. Consider it a message from man to bird. We're watching you. You may be watching us from the sky, plotting to take over the world one public park at a time. But you're doomed. Stay the fuck up in the air where you belong, Bird, because hitting you with baseballs is just the start.

Mount Davis really isn't cool and it sucks and it's awful

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I hate Mount Davis. Not in the “sports hate/I don’t really hate this” kind of way. I flat out HATE Mount Davis.

I was born an A’s fan in 1987 when I went with my preschool playground and sat in the right-field bleachers watching A’s baseball. This was one of the purest experiences of baseball: sitting on metallic or wooden benches elbow-to-elbow with your fellow fans in the warm afternoon sun. This is what makes Wrigley the greatest party alive and makes me envious every time I watch a 1:20 CST Cubs game on WGN. Sauced up Cubs fans sitting on ancient wooden benches surrounded by a basket with ivy below them.

The Oakland version of this was metallic bleachers with a combination of ice plants and the Oakland hills in the background. My childhood is built around memories of this Oakland Alameda Coliseum. And in 1996, with one swift and petulant move, Al Davis and his silver jumpsuit squashed it.

It was in that year that the once Oakland Raiders (1960-1981) cut ties with the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum and returned to Oakland. The caveat was this: the Coliseum needed more seats because the triumphant return of the Raiders demanded the now infamous “Personal Seat Licenses.” Bear in mind that these were not the Raiders of Kenny Stabler, Fred Biletnikoff, Dave Casper, or Cliff Branch. I can’t even tell you who was on the 1996 Oakland Raiders. I’m not sure George Atkinson or Greg Poppa could. Nevertheless, Al had to have an extra two decks of seats and pull-out bleachers.

Since 1996, the best season the Raiders had was 2002 when they went to the Super Bowl and lost to Chucky Gruden and the Bucs. Since 1996, I have had to stare at two decks of seats primarily empty each night at the Coliseum. The only time I saw a giant crowd that filled these seats was an A’s-Giants tilt in 2004 (I believe) when they had 55,000 and change. A’s attendance hasn’t been stellar since and in general isn’t for a variety. I could harp on Schott and Hoffman or Billy Beane’s trading prowess, or even “the tarps.” I can’t speak with great expertise on these subjects but I can say this: the Coliseum changed when the Raiders moved back.

A prime example occurred a month or so ago when MLB network showed the 1989 ALCS. There, in all its glory, was the Oakland Alameda Coliseum as I remembered it. Green grass, ice plants, metallic bleachers, and views of the Oakland hills all in the afternoon sun. As I watched the game, which I didn’t remember because A) I was six at the time and B) I was in school and not at the game, I got nostalgic and angry. I wanted my Coliseum. I wanted the metallic bleachers, the Oakland hills, and the ice plants. Sure, I wanted Rickey in left, Hendu in center, and even Jose “Juiced” Cancesco in right.

We can argue forever about what to do about the A’s stadium issue. As someone who hopes to one day take his son to the Coliseum, either demolish the Mountain or give me a ballpark in the old vision of diamond-shaped stands and a completely open outfield bleachers. Please.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Here comes the Ticket Mobile

With ticket sales down throughout baseball, marketing and sales departments are getting creative to get more butts in seats. Take the Dodgers' new strategy:
Call it the latest in mobile marketing. In an effort to sell more tickets to minorities, the Los Angeles Dodgers are taking to the streets with a ticket sales truck that next month will begin patrolling Hispanic and Asian neighborhoods in Los Angeles. Fashioned somewhat after the many taco vending trucks that roam the city's streets, the truck is intended to give the Dodgers a presence at shopping areas.
Taco trucks are nearly as good as side-boob and slightly better than chocolate-covered gummi bears. This promotion, albeit creative, would be a zillion times better if your upper-deck-behind-the-left-field-foul-pole seats came with tacos for four.

[Sports Business Journal via Ben Maller]

Your 2009 National League All-Star: Manny Ramirez

Always thought it would be funny to get a guy who's spent the entire first half of the season elected to the All-Star game to expose how stupid fan voting is.

Others, clearly, are with us as Vote For Manny 2009 has popped up. The site's goal:
To highlight the silliness that are the MLB rules towards PED users as well as their "head in the sand" approach to this situation. Rather than confront it head-on, MLB is choosing to do nothing and simply hope there are three higher vote getters in the NL OF.
Yeah! Let's stick it to baseball one vote at a time. Voting in any Giants position player would be funny, as well.

[Via our friends at Busted Coverage].

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Worse loss?

Two IKEA games Monday. Neither involved teams we care about. We still have a coffee table. Phew. Others might not be as lucky.

1. Syracuse defeats Cornell 10-9 OT in NCAA lacrosse championship:

No. 5 Cornell had defending champs Syracuse on the ropes. The Big Red (their mascot should totally be a big, bad fire truck) led 9-6 with 5:31 to play. The game seemed over. The Cornell players were nearly celebrating on the field, the announcers were saying the next few minutes were all but a formality; the game was over.

But the Orange cut the lead to 9-8 with about two minutes left. Syracuse had its chances in the final minute but TURNED IT OVER with like 25 seconds left. GAME OVER!!!!! THEY'RE BURNING DOWN ITHACA!

But as the Big Red tried to run out the clock, they TURNED IT BACK OVER, Syracuse made two passes -- one nearly intercepted by Cornell -- and tied the game with FOUR SECONDS!!! Dude, HURL THE FUCKING BALL TO THE OTHER END OF THE FIELD. Or throw it in the FUCKING SKY. GAME OVER!

Syracuse finished it off about two minutes into OT and got its second-straight title. Cornell and its fans bought every bottle of whiskey and ever 9mm in all of New England.

Why it's so bad: Huge stage and the game was virtually over.
Why it isn't that horribly awful: Blowing a three-goal lead in five minutes isn't that unreasonable in lacrosse.

2. Indians beat Rays 11-10:

Who says every game doesn't count in baseball?

The Rays jumped out to a 10-0 lead and led 10-2 entering the bottom of the eighth. The Tribe, trailing 10-5 heading to the home half of the ninth, rallied for seven runs and walked off on Victor Martinez's two-run single.

The 10-run comeback is the largest in baseball in over five years.

Why it's so bad: NINE RUNS IN TWO INNINGS! Tampa relievers couldn't manage six outs.
Why it isn't that horribly awful: One of 162.

Worse loss? Debate in the comments.

Fuck You, Phanatic

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Oh, you think you can pull off the, "I dunno, I'm just a silly mascot," look, Phanatic? WRONG, FUCKER.

That bewildered look, the sideways cap, the big belly might play nice with the fans but you don't fool me for a damn second. There's a word for a normal person who has those same qualities: FUCKING RETARDED!

You are like a big, green, dumb mascot who rode the short bus when you were younger. It's nice that you try to brush off your kind demeanor and general wackiness to an adoring fan base, but I can see right through you, Phanatic, and I don't like what I see.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Happy Memorial Day

Enjoy your day off with penis in hand. See ya tomorrow.

Friday, May 22, 2009


Costco's samples today consisted of three types of grilled tri-tip, bacon-wrapped steak, chili cheese dogs, hot links and Chinese chicken salad. I also saw a chick with obvious fakies.


Years later, Ryan Leaf is still making the San Diego Chargers look stupid

If being one of the most notorious NFL busts wasn't enough, Ryan Leaf has ventured into the underbelly of society that involves drugs and crime and sleeveless t-shirts.
Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a Randall County grand jury on drug and burglary charges.

The indictment was handed up Wednesday in Canyon. It charged the 33-year-old former San Diego Chargers quarterback and former West Texas A&M football and golf coach with one count of burglary to a habitation, seven counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud and delivery of a simulated controlled substance.

Canyon police Lt. Dale Davis said Leaf is suspected of breaking into a Canyon apartment on Oct. 30 and stealing the painkiller Hydrocodone, which had been prescribed to an injured football player.
He was a golf coach?

Sad thing, Leaf is only 33. He could still have a good four years of interceptions, bad reads and losing in the NFL if he, ya know, didn't have a history of interceptions, bad reads and losing.


Morning Headlines: Minnesota 20, Chicago 1

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Wednesday's winner: Anonymous with this gem from the NBA Lottery: 'Dream scenario' unfolds for Memphis.

[Twins-White Sox box score].

-Blackburn pitches seven scoreless in win

-Quentin records 19th RBI in loss

-Gardenhire: 'Situational hitting was the difference'

Your MLB best in the comments.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Fuck You, Marlin

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Don't point at me, Marlin. I am not your friend. I will never be your friend. You don't have any real friends, YOU FUCKING PHONY.

You think you're so cool because of your googly eyes, gaping smile and baseball glove. But I'm on to, Marlin. Don't think I don't know that real marlins don't wear baseball gloves. And your whole two legs thing isn't fooling anyone.

Even your name is bullshit. Billy the Marlin. That's just inaccurate. Real marlins aren't called Billy or John or Frank. They have names like, "The Short One That Just Got Hooked By That Fucking Fisherman," "The One With Stripes," and "The Slow One With The Blue Tail That's Going To Get Eaten By The Great White Any Motherfucking Day."

So don't test me you two-legged asshole. I know who you are and what you stand for, Marlin, and I don't like it one bit.

Where we request your radio expertise

Our pal Doug from the boner-popping On 205th Magazine emailed us saying that our Top 5 Mexican Athlete post that we ran on Cinco de Mayo was mentioned and credited on WSCR The Score 670 AM in Chicago late afternoon yesterday (we think).

Anyone who can find audio of this gets a king's ransom which will be in the form of five great porn sites. (Or a link to your site. Or both. Who are we kidding? Maybe we'll even get you a disease-free hooker).

Go to it, sleuths.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Life is Average

Lot of great websites out there that nobody has really heard of. And my "nobody," I mean "me," because the only non-sports websites I've heard of usually have the suffix XXX or cumonmyface.

One of those sites that I have heard of is Fuck You, Penguin. I don't think PETA would like this site.

Another was found by Jimmy at Hot Clicks yesterday: It basically has submissions about mundane and average things in someone's life, because, well, most people live average lives.

Here are some to get the ball rolling:

-Today, I thought about taking an alternate route to work but instead took the normal one. My life is average.

-Today, a coworker said, "Have a good one." I said, "Thanks, you too." MLIA.

-Today I ran out of a jar of tomato sauce but found another one in the cupboard. MLIA.

Your MLIA's in the comments as well as other fun sites that nobody's heard of.

Morning Headlines: NBA Lottery

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[NBA Lottery].

-Overcoming odds, Oklahoma City gets coveted third pick

-Webber, Love and company enjoy Secaucus, N.J., nightlife

-Majority of teams picking where expected

-Clippers front office: 'The odds were with us'

Your ping-pong ball headlines in the comments.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The 2009 NBA playoffs have seen two of the worst seven-game series ever

I can stretch my arms this high!

This is about as close as we'll get to the NBA Playoffs -- pretty much just to slam them.

Remember the Atlanta-Miami series that finished about two months ago? That seven-game series saw seven lopsided games.

Ending yesterday, the Houston-LA series, which will seem like ancient history by the time the Finals start, saw six of the seven games decided by double-digits. The only game that wasn't was Game 1, which Houston won by eight.

If we cared about the NBA, we would probably analyze how Houston twice beat the Lakers by double digits without Yao and McGrady. An Aaron Brooks-Luis Scola-led team would probably lose 50+ games in the regular season, right?

But hey, two Game 7s! Those series couldn't possibly be bad. Rather, with the NBA, we find the black lining in the silver cloud. Two seven-game series that are just absolute duds. If the NBA playoffs are usually a bane to society, the 2009 edition is responsible for the economic downturn, political turmoil and swine flu.

Fernando Tatis plays shortstop

Fernando Tatis, who once hit two grand slams in one inning, made his first start at shortstop since 1998 Sunday against the Giants. It was only his fourth ever start at the position.

Fernando Tatis is still in the league?!

Boomer Wells: Bear Hunter

Former Yankees pitcher and current TBS broadcaster David Wells seems to enjoy big-game hunting now that he isn't pitching every fifth day.
He went bear hunting in Alaska, shooting a brown and a black bear -- only the black, he says, "is good eating" -- and tent-camping. His postcard: "If you aren't prepared for Alaska, it can eat you up in a heartbeat -- pretty gnarly."
Black bear is not a delicacy in New York, but perhaps in the Wells household. The brown bear, not good for eating, was shot because, "it was fucking with me," he said.

[USA Today]

Friday, May 15, 2009

Professional athletes you know

We got to thinking the other day about the professional athletes we once knew in college. "Knew" meaning more than "brushed shoulders with on campus," "sat next to in Psych 101" or "shouted encouragement to during a game." Like actually talked to. Like they would recognize you. Might know your name. Maybe even have their digits.

Our Top 5:

1. Tim Lincecum, San Francisco Giants pitcher -- interviewed a number of times while working at the college paper. Real cool dude. Once seen practicing the art of robbing a home run while other pitchers lobbed "homers" from the warning track.

2. Brandon Roy, Portland Trail Blazers stud; -- interviewed him a couple of times and partied with him on occasion. Used to tell college girlfriend that banging B-Roy wouldn't be cheating.

3. Nate Robinson, New York Knicks dunk guru / spark plug -- interviewed him once and couldn't understand 98% of what he said. Seemed friendly, funny and cocky all at once. That's a skill. Last encounter with Nate was a drunken night on campus when he stopped my twin brother and me and said, "Hey, you're the guys in the picture hanging in our locker room." YES! WE! ARE! (He was also wearing a San Francisco Giants hat. I nearly came in my pants).

4. Brent Lillibridge, Chicago White Sox utility infielder -- Best interview on the University of Washington baseball team. Never thought he'd make the bigs. Probably why I'm teaching baseball to 3rd graders.

5. Emmanuel Burriss, San Francisco Giants shortstop -- One of our good buds played high school ball with him in D.C. That's sorta like knowing him.

Honorable Mentions:

-Will Conroy, NBA D-League superstar -- Talked to him at bars a few times. Got his digits. Thought about using them. Didn't.

-Bobby Jones, Back-and-forth between NBA bench warmer and D-League contributor -- Possibly the biggest partier on the basketball team. Did not tell college girlfriend that banging Bobby wouldn't be cheating. She came very close to anyway. Also dated the hottest girl on the UW pom squad (the non-dyke-y cheerleaders) who I once danced with at a party and masturbated to like at least 26 times. I have her phone number.

We feel like we've got a pretty good list here. Yes? No? Can this be topped? Anyone friends with a pro? Anyone have a better list than we do? Have at it, wannabee entourage members.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Saving the NHL

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

Okay, maybe “saving” is a strong word -- look at it as helping to get the NHL back on ESPN. I mean, John Saunders loves the hockey talk just as much as Barry Melrose’s cream pinstripe suit in HD does.

What follows then is a quick and dirty plan to contract and/or move teams in the NHL to take it from a thirty team league down to twenty-two teams. This is brought on by the chatter around the Phoenix Coyotes nee Winnipeg Jets filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Most people -- including interested buyer Jim Balsillie, chairman of Blackberry/Research in Motion Ltd. -- want to move the Coyotes to Hamilton, ON. As a hockey novice, but a history intermediate and a slight sports purist, I have other ideas.

Firstly, the Coyotes should be returned to the place of their birth: Winnipeg, Manitoba. The next several moves are all entirely too easy as all the following teams would be contracted: Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Atlanta Thrashers, Nashville Predators, Columbus Blue Jackets, Anaheim (Mighty) Ducks, Los Angeles Kings, and Minnesota Wild. I understand that the Kings were in the first wave of expansion in 1967, I don’t care. If it weren’t for Gretzky, nobody in L.A. would ever have cared about hockey.

To salve the wound of ripping the Wild from Minnesota, the Northstars will be returned and the Dallas Stars shall cease to exist. The general rule of thumb with NHL expansion should be this: look at the NCCA top 25 hockey standings and try to find a warm weather college. Go ahead. When you do, you can expand there. Along with the Northstars relocating back to Minnesota, the Whalers will be reunited with Hartford, the aforementioned Coyotes with Winnipeg, and the Avalanche to Quebec City.

Additionally, the NHL shall rename the Western and Eastern Conferences the Campbell and Wales Conferences respectively. You must embrace your individuality Gary Bettman. The A’s aren’t ducking the fact they wore Kelly Green, Fort Knox Gold, and Wedding Gown White. Just another Charley Finley strategy; although to be fair Charley O. also thought having a Donkey as a mascot and not paying Catfish Hunter and Reggie to stay was a good idea.

Sorry, back to the point. The most important part of the NHL makeover is getting back on ESPN. Yes, I know that ESPN runs the sports world to the point that it feels like the Red Sox and Yankees are playing every day and the only teams that matter on the West Coast are the Lakers, Dodgers, Angels, Raiders, and 49ers. That’s true. It is also true, however, that as good a job as Versus does, people are not seeking it out unless they're hockey fans. As a result, coverage of the NHL on ESPN is usually limited to ESPN news or an occasional segment with Barry Melrose’s suit (see above). The NHL needs exposure and ESPN can provide it 24/7. All it takes is a phone call and hello again “NHL2night.”

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

5 Fantasy Baseball players you want to bludgeon with, well, a baseball bat

Two fantasy posts in one week? What are we? Baseball Prospectus? Oh, heavens, no. We have far less credibility, money and stale writing. But yes, two fantasy posts in one week. That's what happens in May when you refuse to touch the NBA Playoffs.

Clearly our fantasy team sucks more dick than a pornstar, so one of these guys is naturally on our team; surprisingly not more. The top five guys who are ruining your fantasy team (stats through Monday):

5. Lance Berkman, OF, Houston, Average Pick 20.4:

Berkman fell to you in the third round and despite taking Grady Sizemore in the first round, you had to take a second outfielder because you went with the best player available. Instead, you have a .184 average, seven homers, and 16 RBI. But cool catch, dude.

4. Josh Hamilton, OF, Texas, Average Pick 9.9:

No alcohol or cocaine jokes here. The .242 average, two homers and 10 RBI are funny enough. More of a laughing matter: Hamilton missed the last two weeks with strained rib cage. (He'll be back any day now).

3. B.J. Upton, OF, Tampa Bay, Average Pick 17.1:

We could easily go the B.J. ain't getting any BJs with a .167 average, no homeruns and three RBI route, but instead we'll suggest he needs the extra BP and maybe a new set of batting gloves.

2. Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees, Average Pick 12.5:

New contract, new ballpark, new struggles. $180 million now buys a .198 average, seven homers and 17 RBI.

1. Jimmy Rollins, SS, Philadelphia, Average Pick 13.4:

If the umpire had Rollins on his fantasy team like we do, he'd call that pitch a strike. A .195 average, one homer and only one stolen base make Rollins the top bust of the early 2009 season. We spent a first-round pick on him; others did too. And now we want to beat him with a rosin bag.

Your praise, hate-filled disagreement and fantasy angst in the comments, please.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

How do you watch an important game?

Had a big discussion a few weeks ago about how to watch a game that really matters. Being a Giants and Washington Huskies fan, I haven't had to worry about where or how to watch an important game because the Giants score less than than the Red Wings and the Huskies no longer play football.

Nonetheless, I have witnessed important games as a sports fan. The Giants played in the World Series in 2002, the Huskies played in multiple NCAA Tournament games and the UW football team went to meaningful bowl games once upon a time.

Having the discussion, it came up that one of my buddies loves to drink during games and wants to watch around others rooting for the same team -- like at a bar. Even if it was Game 7 of the World Series and his team was in it, he would drink and party and try to have a good time.

Not me. If I'm watching a very important game -- let's take Game 6 of the 2002 World Series as an example -- I would (and will) pretty much sequester myself with maybe my dad and brother in a room and watch nervously, quietly and certainly soberly.

If there's a big-time game, I want no distractions. I don't want to be fucked up, I don't want some asshole "fan" jinxing it and I certainly don't want random people interrupting my watching.

There is nothing fun about watching an important game. There is nothing fun about leadoff walks, silly turnovers or terrible fouls. If the team wins, it's a relief more than anything; I can then go have my fun. But the event of watching a tense or important game: not fun. It's just a necessity of my life.

I was a college freshman during the 2002 World Series. I would watch the WS games in my door room with my brother and that's it. I told my roommate that he wasn't allowed in the room. He didn't like that. He secretly wanted to kill me. Closing my door during a precious time to meet new friends was so secondary to watching a very important game the way I prefer to.

Now your turn. How do you watch your team's important games? Locked away by yourself? Surrounded by loyal fans? At a bar? Don't give a fuck as long as you're drinking beer served by waitresses who have no business NOT having sex with you during the game? Please explain your way of life in the comments.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Why your fantasy team sucks

My fantasy team sucks. This isn't going to be a "My Fantasy Team Sucks" post. But my fantasy team fucking sucks. I just picked up Joel Hanrahan because he got a save Saturday and I feel like he might be the difference in me being a bad team and being a mediocre team. My team is that fucking dreadful right now that picking up Joel Hanrahan is warping my mind. I also fear dropping Andy Pettitte because Joel Hanrahan has warped my mind thinking that Andy Pettitte is still a good pitcher.

In the main three fantasy sports, you often have these moments -- much like picking up Joel Hanrahan and feeling good about it -- where you realize down the road that your team is just terrible. Like you can't believe that a knowledgeable sports fan like yourself could possibly draft and manage a team that is this bad. You've hit rock bottom and have become desperate.

To help us all rationalize with a good laugh, here's a list of desperate moves and characteristics of shitty fantasy teams that will put in perspective just how bad your fantasy team really is.

Fantasy Baseball:

-Having a middle reliever in one of your RP slots
-Carrying Tim Wakefield's catcher
-Juan Pierre
-Having an N/A on your roster in hopes he'll help you out later on. (Ed. note: I had Barry Bonds all of last season).
-Trying to trade for Manny Ramirez despite a lengthy suspension. Hey, bargain shopping!
-Juan Pierre
-Having more than one Washington National on your team (Ed. note: I have two).
-Drafting and refusing to drop Mark Prior thinking this is finally the year he gets back to his 2003 form.

Fantasy Football:

-Starting a QB on a bye because Brian Griese would get you negative points
-Playing a second tight end in your TE/WR slot
-Starting a fullback in one of your RB slots
-Drafting Brett Favre this season as a late-round steal
-Carrying two kickers or two defenses
-Thinking this is the year that Denver won't platoon running backs

Fantasy Basketball:

-Starting a backup center who gets blocks; Theo Ratliff was born for this.
-Having a FT% specialist
-For head-to-head leagues: Benching Kobe late in the week to try to win the Turnovers category.

Your characteristics of a shitty fantasy team in the comments, please.

Thirty-four points and a win doesn't make a red tuxedo OK

Nice outfit, kid. That's what Colonel Sanders would look like if he wore a red tuxedo. And didn't have that white beard. And looked more like Aaron Brooks. And was alive and spoke at a press conference.

Why Manny's suspension will help the Dodgers

That headline isn't as crazy as it sounds. The Dodgers could actually benefit from Manny's suspension. Here's why: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

With the $7.7 million Ramirez is forfeiting, the Dodgers will have the money to go get a starting pitcher if things get interesting in the NL West during Manny's absence.

Not that they will.

The Dodgers, sans Ramirez, still have the strongest lineup in the division. By far. Despite being 1-3 since the suspension, the Dodgers have scored five or more runs in three of the four games.

With a 4.5 game lead on the second-place Giants, and 8.5 on everyone else, L.A. will most likely still be in first when Manny returns. And if they are, they'll have $7.7 million they didn't have before, when they were also in first place. Same position in the standings, more money.

Manny's suspension is good for the Dodgers. Fuck.

Friday, May 08, 2009

You know those stupid Snickers ads? Here are some that are slightly less stupid.

From Ramblings of the Unmotivated, via Punte's Twitter, comes some fantastic Photoshop work regarding those stupid as fuck Snickers ads that say shit like Peanutoplis. That shit doesn't even make sense, man. You know how you see monkeys smoking cigars while pounding away at the typewriter in cartoons? Well, those ads weren't written by them. They were written by children who cry on airplanes, unnecessarily long traffic signals and reruns of Laguna Beach.

These ads would be much better in every way. Your favs in the comments.

Morning Headlines: Manny Suspended

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Manny suspended].

-Former Indian out until July for undisclosed reasons

-Torre: 'Ethier will bat third'

-Dodger slugger out of lineup Thursday

Leave your roid-y headlines in the comments.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Sports Hate

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I have always been cautious to say that I “hate” a team or a player. Hate -- I have always thought -- was the singular domain of people or things you truly despised: illegal wars, Republicans, the cast of The Hills, that kind of thing. That being said, reading a recent column by Bill Simmons, I came across the phrase “sports hate.” I felt this phrase allowed me the opportunity to properly classify all the disgusts I’ve ever had with a team, player or group of fans.

I could list out each and every one of these and I would like to think that I would go on forever, but I will try to confine it to one general area: Los Angeles. As a Bay Area native, I have had an almost inborn “sports hate” of Los Angeles. When I was five years old, I watched Kirk Gibson and the Los Angeles Dodgers beat the “Bash Brothers” and the 1988 Oakland A’s. Yes, I know that Canseco and McGwire juiced and I’m still angry. My “sports hate” lay dormant in terms of Los Angeles until the “Los Angeles California Angels of Orange County near the 55 and the 5” and the Oakland A’s became rivals starting in 2002.

My “sports hate” for the “Los Angeles California Angels of Orange County near the 55 and the 5” crystallized for me every time I watched Francisco Rodriguez pitch. I “sport hated” every gesticulation he made so much that I not only relished beating him but took to referring to him as a “petulant child.” Any A’s fan who remembers Jason Kendall racing home after Rodriguez got squeezed on a curveball on a Wednesday afternoon at the Coliseum knows what I talking about and is smiling. The other particulars are John Lackey and Darin Erstad but I’ll spare them -- for now.

I’ll end with a fresh wound: the Anaheim Ducks and their fans. I am not an old school San Jose Sharks fan. I don’t remember them coming into the league in 1991 or that they played at the Cow Palace. My early hockey knowledge starts with seeing the back of Toronto Maple Leaf enforcer Wendel Clark’s jersey with a blue “17” and the name “Clark” on the back. In the past year plus, however, I have jumped in with both feet. Watching Game 6 of the Western Conference semifinals last year only bolstered this enjoyment. This year, I watched almost every Sharks game and was fully fired up to watch the Sharks dismantle the Ducks. Instead, I watched as Ducks “fans” celebrated goals in the deciding Game 6. As I watched, I seethed with “sports hate.” I refused to believe these people were hockey fans or that they could name the “original 6.” (Toronto, Montreal, Boston, Detroit, Chicago, and the New York Rangers).

This, then is the LA sports “fan” a front-running bunch who know little to nothing about the details. BEAT LA! (And share your sports-hate, ugh, hate in the comments).

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Taking "stud" to a new level

The "Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports" got us thinking. After a thoroughbred horse is finished with his racing career, he'll often be put out to stud. In other words, to live a long life on a nice farm eating hay and running through a couple hundred mares a year. Mine That Bird is probably looking at a future quite like that. Scratch that, he's a gelding -- and no balls means no stud. Speaking of 50-1 longshots, those are about my chances of getting laid on any given weekend. And I live with my girlfriend.

So why do horses get to have all the fun? I mean, look at the society we live in. Doesn't it just naturally follow that someday soon we'll start putting human athletes out to stud? First on the list? LeBron, of course. Let's face it, dude is a specimen. People would probably pay millions for some of his sperm. How could his kid NOT be a champion?

We've seen this a thousand times -- father and son both amazing athletes -- think about these names: Griffey, Bonds, Hull, Manning. But what if you not only got a great male athlete to be the sire, but a great female athlete to be the dam. Think about Mia Hamm and Nomar, Sheldon Williams and Candace Parker, Misty May and Matt Treanor -- the kids these couples are gonna pop out are bound to be athletes too.

I'm thinking of starting a stud farm for athletes. After they retire I'll have them come stay at a big party house, and then I'll charge people exorbitant sums to let these guys father their children. And if we get the female athletes we'll have thoroughbred people. It will be awesome. Bron Bron, as soon as you're done ballin' give me a call.


-A guy at the gym yesterday made the sound of pigs getting slaughtered as he was doing squats. He was wearing a bandanna.

-This list of seven horrific places to drop a deuce is pretty accurate and funny. Not included: shitting in your own apartment while your girlfriend is home.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Top 5 Mexican athletes

Today is Cinco de Mayo, which celebrates the Mexican army's unlikely defeat of French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. But you know it better for margaritas and tequila shots. It's also a way to celebrate Mexican heritage and show pictures of Salma Hayek, who is Mexico's gift to the world. Mexico hasn't turned out many successful pro athletes, but there are some, listed here. CINCO DE MAYO!!!!!

Honorable Mention: Eduardo Nájera, forward, New Jersey Nets

Nájera would have made the top-five -- he's only the second Mexican-born NBA player -- yet he averaged 2.9 points and 2.5 rebounds this past season. Ain't gonna cut it, Eddie.

5. Jorge Cantú, infielder, Florida Marlins

This Texas-born Mexican-American hit 28 homeruns and drove in 117 runs in his first full season in the majors with Tampa in 2005. He belted 29 homers last season for Florida and has represented Mexico in the WBC in 2006 and in 2009. He once had cool, Captain-Morgan-like facial hair.

4. Adrián Gonzalez, first baseman, San Diego Padres

The first overall pick in the 2000 MLB draft (by the Marlins), Gonzalez has become the best Mexican-American baseball player in the world. He was born in San Diego, but lived in Mexico for 12 years as a kid. He was a 2008 All Star and Gold Glove winner. He also was involved in one of the most lopsided trades in recent memory, with the Rangers trading Gonzalez, pitcher Chris Young and outfielder Terrmel Sledge to the Padres in return for Adam Eaton and Akinori Otsuka. Worked out really well for Texas. Gonzalez is also known for hitting a double every time he's at bat, especially against the Giants. Despite his .282 lifetime batting average, it's a proven fact that he's doubled every time he's ever been up.

3. Lorena Ochoa, golfer

Ochoa is the No. 1 ranked female golfer in the world. As the first Mexican golfer of either gender to be ranked No. 1, she's considered the best Mexican golfer of all time. This doesn't change the fact that we've never heard of her.

2. Lee Trevino, golfer

Clearly not as highly regarded as Ochoa, but Trevino has faced stiffer competition -- and we'd heard of the guy, dammit. Trevino won six majors (never got that green jacket, though) and has a winning smile. Always thought he was Italian based on the name. Clearly mistaken.

1. Oscar De La Hoya, boxer

The Golden Boy had a 39-6 career record and won 10 world titles in six different weight classes. De La Hoya made nearly $700 million from pay-per-view income having gone to work 45 times in a 17-year career. Sweet deal. He may or may not have a weird fetish.

Your thoughts and Salma pictures in the comments, please.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Big Ten (12?) Up for Grabs in 2011

Ohio State has been the story of the offseason in college football because of their violations that have netted a suspension of five games, minimum, for coach Jim Tressel, quarterback Terrelle Pryor and a few others. The Buckeyes have won the Big Ten title for six straight years, either outright or shared, but now they’re in a hole and that means the league championship is up in the air. It should be a wild year in the Big Ten.
The Buckeyes shared last year’s title with Michigan State and Wisconsin, and both of these teams should be in the hunt once again. But those who bet on college football predictions at BetUs will also put Nebraska into the mix as the Cornhuskers finished first in the Big 12 North last year and narrowly lost to Oklahoma in the conference title game, which would have sent them to the Fiesta Bowl. Michigan and Penn State look to improve after lackluster seasons, especially the Wolverines, who have the most explosive player in the conference in quarterback Denard Robinson. Illinois, Purdue, Northwestern and Indiana are also in the hunt, but they’ll probably bring up the rear.
This means we could have another three-way tie atop the Big Ten, and Ohio State may not be any of them as they have to figure out how to overcome the loss of their coach and offensive leader, and we wouldn’t expect the Buckeyes to be challenging for the conference title. It’s not clear whether or not there will be a team who can compete for the national championship, but if you can manage to get through the Big Ten with a perfect record, you have an excellent chance of winning a spot in the BCS championship game, which the Buckeyes proved in 2006 and 2007, when they got romped by Florida and LSU in consecutive years. Nebraska moved out of the Big 12 in order to get a better shot to reach the title game, and with Ohio State likely on the downslide, the Cornhuskers may have the best chance in what will be a wide-open Big Ten.