Tuesday, September 30, 2008

WaMu advertising on blogs

We noticed a WaMu ad on our right sidebar yesterday. We thought that was funny for some reason.

This is really funny! LOL! LMFAO!!!

Great find by SI.com's Campus Clicks Monday.

It's a website called Don't Fire Al Groh, but it's not some narrow-sighted, falsely-optimistic site how the Cavaliers should keep their coach. Instead, it's just a fake Facebook profile of the beleaguered Virginia coach.

When's Don't Fire Ty Willingham coming? (There already is Bye Bye Ty).

We haven't seen social-networking technology used this effectively since Joe Sport Fan's brilliant Mediaspace profiles.

Monday, September 29, 2008

SI's kiss of death hits USC in non-cover form

Andy Cripe | Gazette-Times

The real reason USC lost to a middle-of-the-pack Oregon State team Thursday? SI's Phil Taylor, folks.
Last week's conference results make the road to the BCS title game look awfully smooth for the Trojans. It's hard to imagine how USC, which has only one nonconference opponent remaining (Notre Dame), could stumble in the Pac-10, not after the teams presumed to be its main threats -- Arizona State, Oregon and Cal -- looked so vulnerable. Of course, the Trojans should know better than to take the rest of the Pac-10 for granted, particularly after the shocking 24--23 upset that Stanford handed them last year, but the bottom of the conference doesn't seem likely to hit the lottery again this year.
That article, which ran in the Sept. 22 issue of Sports Illustrated, pretty much doomed a Trojans team that has had its problems in Corvallis, Ore.

While the nation's reaction to this upset was complete and utter shock, Pac-10 fans weren't nearly as surprised as USC has struggled the last three years against mid-tier programs.

In 2006, the Trojans lost to the unranked Beavers and then to UCLA in the final regular-season game.

In 2007, the Trojans' hiccup was a one-point loss to Stanford. Fucking Stanford.

And now this latest loss to OSU. While not a huge surprise to us, it's a loss that will mess with USC's National Championship bid unless the Big 12 and SEC powerhouses all manage to lose twice.

And that's assuming, too, that the Trojans win out. But that shouldn't be hard as the Trojans' road to the BCS title game has never been easier. Just ask Sports Illustrated.

Brewers baby!

What an exciting day of baseball Sunday was! We'll be pulling for the Brewers and Rays...like you didn't know that already.

All day we were craving video of the end of the Mets game from the jumbo-tron at Miller Park. YouTube is fucking brilliant.


Friday, September 26, 2008

Not sports, but funny

We would do Sarah Silverman. You?

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

Pre-gaming: Dress code

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

That's a picture of some University of Virginia students, courtesy of this fun SI On Campus article, prior to what was likely a home football loss to another mediocre ACC school. Big Picture super commenter and contributor JMC, a UVA alum (with a Master's from UW -- go Dawgs!), was the first to inform me about this great tradition.

It used to be tradition for UVA students to dress up before home games. Guys would do the shirt and tie thing while the girls went with sundresses. The tradition has deteriorated with coach Al Groh trying to get the students to wear a "Sea of Orange," but that had mixed reviews and now students just aren't really sure what to do.

Those who honor tradition still rock the shirt and tie or sundress, which I think is the best attire for a college football game. To dress up for a football game -- especially in the South -- just strikes me as the perfect game-day garb. The guys look cool (add a backwards hat, boat shoes sans socks and khakis and you have the perfect East Coast frat boy look -- a look I try to replicate far too seldom) and the ladies, well, if you could see them wearing a sundress or jersey, what would you prefer? A no-brainer, right?

(I should note that UVA is not the only school with this great tradition. I wanna say Clemson, Auburn and some others have this, too. Let me know who I'm missing in the comments).

That leads us to more common football attire, which I'll break into three groups:

1. School spirit.

Usually, it's a mishmash of jerseys, hoodies and t-shirts all in your school's colors. Fine. That's what we did for four years. Got very comfortable in purple. Absolutely nothing wrong with donning the school colors. Not particularly exciting, but totally legit.

2. The Chest-Painters.

A desperate cry for attention, the Chest-Painter sometimes risks weather factors to paint his chest for the world to see. Often, like in the photo above, it has something clever written -- like the name of the school. But, hey, you're bound to make it onto the jumbo-tron, which, for the Chest-Painter, is more important than the outcome of the game.

So that's how you spell Texas.

3. The Hot Chicks.

Then there are the girls who got dolled up, wear skimpy clothes and pretend that they know what's going on. Jenn Sterger is the best example.

Much like the Chest-Painter, the Hot Chicks are there to grab the attention of students, alumni and perhaps even the players. Again, the main objective is camera time and turning some heads. But unlike the Chest-Painters, I'm all about the Hot Chicks, because, well, they're freakin' hot!

So who's wearing what during Saturday's games? Games which I'll break down on a one-to-four bunny scale of watch-ability.

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it.

Three bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games.

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Here we go. All times Eastern.

No. 8 Alabama at No. 3 Georgia, 7:45 p.m., ESPN: Just another top-10 game in the unbelievable SEC. Sanford Stadium will be blacked out, which is one of those things that gives the home team an extra umph for no real reason. Georgia looked good against an average Arizona State team while Alabama has looked good all year. Nick Saban: Asshole. Sellout. Coach of the Year? Alabama 21, Georgia 20.

No. 22 Illinois at No. 12 Penn State, 8 p.m., ABC: I constantly talk about my distaste for the Big 10 and how much Penn State's offense has infuriated me the last few years, but those complaints are no longer valid. Penn State is putting up points. Juice Williams has the best first name in college football. Happy Valley is the best name of a college area. This sounds that I like the Big 10. Don't fool yourselves... Penn State 31, Illinois 21.

Tennessee at No. 15 Auburn, 3:30 p.m., CBS: If Phil Fulmer isn't already fucked, he will be when the Vols look pathetic for a second-straight week. And we should expect another press-conference gem like this one:
"We’ve won 148 football games in my time here at Tennessee and lost a little bit less than that -- a lot less than that, actually -- and we didn’t all of a sudden get stupid as coaches."
As the guys at Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain would say, Fulmer's stupidity was more gradual. Like hair loss or back problems. Auburn 13, Tennessee 2.

No. 24 TCU at No. 2 Oklahoma, 7 p.m., FSN?: In a week with only one marquee game, you'd think that a game between two ranked teams could at least hit three-bunny status. But while the Mountain West is probably better than the ACC, Big East and Pac-10, I just don't see TCU staying within three touchdowns of an Oklahoma team which has been nothing short of impressive. Oklahoma 48, TCU 21.

No. 9 Wisconsin at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC: Michigan is fucking terrible and Rich Rodriguez is learning the hard way that his spread option offense requires talent and speed to be successful. Still, anytime Wisconsin goes to the Big House, it's bound to be an old-fashioned, Big-10 slugfest, which is a euphemism for a really boring game with like 110 combined rushing attempts and less than 30 points. Wisconsin 14, Michigan 9.

No. 13 South Florida at North Carolina State, 7:30 p.m., ESPN U.
Colorado at Florida State, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

Virginia Tech at Nebraska, 8 p.m., ABC:
This game would've been relevant in 1999. Now, one-bunny status. How quickly some teams can fall. Nebraska 21, Virginia Tech 10.

No. 25 Fresno State at UCLA, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Arkansas at No. 7 Texas, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

North Carolina at Miami, 12 p.m., ESPN 2.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Adios Motherfucker

1/2 oz Vodka
1/2 oz Rum
1/2 oz Tequila
1/2 oz Gin
1/2 oz Blue Curacao
2 oz Sour mix
2 oz 7-Up

Don't worry that it's fucking turquoise. It's not a girls-only drink. It's totally cool for dudes, too.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Xwoiljsaaei@b;o]wpm#je" (If you aren't bruised, you aren't playing).

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon (-21.5) at Washington State. Oregon is coming off a loss and is without starting QB Justin Roper for the second-straight week. Still, 21.5 points should be plenty for the Ducks. Washington State is beyond awful and is starting backup QB Marshall Lobbestael. If the Cougs can score 10 points we'd be shocked. So if the Ducks can put up 34, they should be solid. Bet it and bet it hard. Did we mention that Wazzu is fucking terrible? Like just awful. De La Salle could fuck them up.

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

I play in a Pac-10-only fantasy league at work. In a weak conference, the 10 players in the league have some pretty lousy players on their team.

The player I want to hang with a fucking jump rope this week is Stanford quarterback Tavita Pritchard, my starting QB.

Pritchard, who is actually from the Seattle area, is one of the most mind-fuckingly bad players I've ever seen. I could play quarterback better than him. He's the kind of guy who plays those arcade football toss games where you try to throw a football through a different sized circles and earn tickets that you cash in for prizes that cost about $.001 to make. And when he plays those games, with the best defense being the net enclosing the game, he still can't hit his fucking target.

Through four games, he's thrown for 469 yards and one TD to four INTs. Helen Keller would be more effective for the Cardinal.

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Employee of the Month, Amanda Pogrell.

OMG! I've met my first ex-wife. What the fuck? This is unfair. No chick should be this hot. I would do things to her.

More sorta-safe-for-work photos here.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, friends.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Shoot me now

The Dodgers clinched the NL west today when the Diamondbacks lost. The Giants are once again among the worst teams in the league. Enough said.

What Realy Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Stop signs.

Fuck that. Fuck stop and go. Fuck you for killing my gas mileage. Fuck having to look both ways.

Stop signs should be a suggestion. Like, "It'd probably be a good idea if you stop or even slow down to consider the other friendly drivers on the road. But if you don't want to, that's fine too."

Say you're in suburbia and come to a four-way stop. You can see that there are no cars to your right. There are no cars to your left. And there are certainly no cars straight ahead. Nevertheless, I'm supposed to stop?! For what? The fucking air?

Stop signs make sense on a busy road where a traffic light would be superfluous. Makes sense. Sure, good to regulate traffic safety.

But when there's no one at a four-way stop and you're sure of it, you should be able to blast through that intersection. And if you feel the urge to slow down, do it. Live a little. But screw stopping. Roll that shit like a joint.

I roll stop signs more often than I masturbate and I'm masturbating right now. And I gotta start being careful. The police will pop you for that. You're more likely to get caught in America for rolling a stop sign than you are for rolling a blunt. Seems backwards. (But maybe that's a good thing! Snoochies!)

So next time you have to stop at a stop sign, wear down your breaks and decrease your gas efficiency, think about this post. Maybe change will come. Maybe. Stay strong, America.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

100 = 117

Much like the Rays' 9 = 8 slogan (yeah! Rays!), the Seattle Mariners could have a new one of its own: 100 = 117.

One hundred losses with a $117 million payroll.

The M's are the first team in Major League history to be so miserable and to spend so much doing so. No other team has ever lost 100 games with a nine-digit payroll. You could make the argument that this is the most disappointing team in the history of baseball.

Lots of people to blame. Probably should start with former GM Bill Bavasi who sank big bucks into Adrian Beltre, Richie Sexson, Carlos Silva, Erik Bedard and Kenji Johjima.

The deals made little sense at the time -- Beltre had a good walk year (2004) after multiple seasons of mediocrity; Sexson is good for 30+ homeruns and 100+ strikeouts; Carlos Silva was given a four-year, $48 million contract (one more year and three less million bucks than Jake Peavy) to not walk guys; Johjima was unproven coming from Japan and after two decent seasons, couldn't remember how to hit a baseball in 2008; and the Bedard deal was bad luck as he's been hurt much of the year.

Still, Matt Millen could have made better moves than Bavasi.

It's almost comical to see a team worth so much do so little. Truly a pathetic showing by a team that was supposed to compete, even though the fact that Seattle overachieved last season and upgraded by adding a middle-to-upper-class pitcher made people think the M's were World Series contenders.

On the bright side, at least Seattle has the Seahawks. Oh. The Huskies. Oh. The Sonics. Oh. (Oh fuck!) At least the sun shines often in Seattle. Oh. (Sigh.)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

An interview with Nina Reyes of Playboy's Girls of the Big 10 issue

As part of the gig at PlayboyU, we get access to Playmates, Cybergirls and, most recently, Girls of the Big 10. Access does not mean: in-person interviews, party invites or mouth sex. Access does mean: email contact, promotional photos and that's it. No mouth sex. Fuck.

Still, it was pretty cool getting to fire some questions at Selina "Nina" Reyes. She's a grad from the University of Illinois where she studied Media Studies and spent a lot of time being really hot. If you're in the Chicago area, you're likely to run into her dancing the night away. You can see more safe-for-work photos of her here.

1. For the record:

Name: Selina "Nina" Reyes
Age: 22
Occupation: College Graduate. I'm on the job search right now, but I have a few jobs/ internships to keep me busy!
Location: Chicago

2. You're in the new Girls of the Big 10 edition. Awesome! Tell us about the process. How'd you hear about the opportunity? What was the process like of being selected? How long did the shoot take?

I had previously modeled for a company called Tempe12 in Tempe, Ariz. I was Miss July for their Girls of the Big Ten calendar. Tempe12 contacted me about Playboy holding auditions for their Girls of the Big Ten issue, and I was sooo excited! I've always wanted to pose for Playboy, so I contacted Playboy on my campus and set up an audition.

The process was short and sweet. I filled out some paper work, then did some test shoots with the photographer David Rams -- who made the photo shoot extremely comfortable. Playboy told me right at my practice shoot that they wanted to use me for the issue!

Playboy then asked me about my interests, hobbies, etc. I told them that I enjoyed to kick box as a workout, so they found a martial arts gym with a boxing ring to hold my shoot in! The photo shoot was a lot of fun and only lasted about an hour to an hour and a half.

3. Now that you've been in Playboy, what's the reaction like now around town? Are you like a minor celebrity? More heads turning now?

I've always been a celebrity in town!!!! lol But now that more and more people -- especially guys -- know that I posed for Playboy, they react differently to me. They treat me like a total movie star! And some are even more intimidated to approach me than they were before!

I've always been a head turner, but now, guys are not only turning their heads, they are asking for my autograph! It's so funny!

4. Have any other modeling opportunities come up since you posed for the premiere men's magazine?

As a side job (even before posing for Playboy), I do a lot of promotional modeling. My most recent gig was an ad in the Chicago Scene Magazine for the new A:M energy cocktail.

I think since the issue just hit stands a week ago, it will take a while for more opportunities to come. I'm pretty optimistic about it though!!

5. Hypothetical situation (sort of). You're out a bar. You have like 20 guys approach you throughout the night:

a. Which ones will you let buy you a drink?

I will let guys who can make me laugh buy me a drink. If he can't make me laugh, then I don't want to be around him!

b. How do you let them know you're not interested?

When I'm not interested, I will signal my friends to snatch me away or simply thank him for the drink and walk away!

c. Which one are you going home with?

None!! lol But if I MUST choose, the one with the best sense of humor. A tall, dark,handsome, and intelligent guy with a good sense of humor preferably!! Oh yeah, and he has to know how to dance!!! I am a dance machine at night!! (This is probably IMPOSSIBLE to find!! )

6. Word around campus is that you're training for boxing. True story? What's the story behind that?

I'm not a hardcore boxer at all, but when I work out, I love to kickbox. It helps me release all of my stresses and frustrations!

7. Dream job? Go.

I graduated this year with a degree in Media Studies, so I plan on working at a huge PR firm one day. BUT my dream job is to open my own nightclub in Chicago! Chicago nightlife is amazing, but it has it's gaps! Plus, I think I would be the first woman to own a nightclub in Chicago!

8. It's Saturday night, 10 p.m. What are you doing?

Hmm...10 p.m. is still kind of early for me! But I'm usually getting ready for a girls night out! I've always had a "passion for fashion", so I make sure all of my night outfits are up to par!! lol.

9. You're stuck on a tropical island. You can have two people with you and three objects. Who and what are they?

I would have my best friend Sara and the guy I described in question 5c. As for three objects, I would have my CELL PHONE because I couldn't live without it, an iPod because I love music and dancing, and a boat for when I've just about had it on that island and I need to sail back home!!!

10. Quick hitters:

a. Favorite drink? Grey Goose/ Cranberry
b. Favorite sport to watch? It's a tie between baseball and basketball Go SOX!!!
c. Favorite sport to play? I LOVE playing hockey!! (not so good at it, but it's so much fun)
d. Favorite late-night food? Steak tacos with cilantro, onion, and that green hot sauce :)
e. Favorite position? I call it the scissor lol!
f. Granny panties or g-string? Boy shorts make my butt look the best, but g-string I guess...
g. ESPN or E!? E! I'm a celebrity gossip junkie!!
h. Jeans or sweats? My True Religion Jeans
i. Your preference: all natural or fake it? I prefer to be all natural as in NO plastic surgery. However, I AM such a girly girl when it comes to getting dolled up for a girls night out! I love my mascara and lip gloss!!

Hi, I'm Zakumi. I like soccer and little boys. Let's be friends!

Friends, meet Zakumi, the mascot for the 2010 World Cup. Zakumi, meet our friends. Take a few moments to introduce yourselves and get acquainted. We hope you get along.

Now play nice with South African Barney. Make sure to introduce your sons and younger brothers. Zakumi is kid-friendly. Have the boys bring their balls. Soccer balls. Zakumi likes young dick soccer balls.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Millen continues to help the 49ers

Matt Millen is a fucking terrible GM. Once again the Lions suck. And because they suck so bad they lost 31-13 to the 49ers, and they're now 0-3. So you could say that Millen, a former 49er, is still helping them by putting together another lousy team. He drafted a receiver in the first round like 12 years in a row. And yet Matt Millen still has a job. Even though the team's vice chairman wants to get rid of him.

We just want to remind you that Matt Millen was, once, good at something. And that something was football. OK, he wasn't that good, but he was a pro-bowler once. In fact, he's still pretty good... in Tecmo Super Bowl. So thanks Matt, for everything you've done.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Rays. The fucking Rays!

Eleven seasons. 1,033 losses. And the Tampa Bay Rays are in the playoffs.

We can't think of a better story in baseball since Sosa and McGwire chased and caught history in 1998. Probably the best season in sports since the New Orleans Saints captured the affection of a battered city in 2006. Last to first is trite as hell, but Tampa was a fucking doormat for years, and they started to believe, have a wealth of young talent, and shit, they're in the playoffs!

Go Tampa! Go Rays! World Series or bust! We're getting our playoff mohawk tomorrow.

Worse: Kansas City or St. Louis?

Clearly the Rams and Chiefs have emerged as the doormats in their respective conferences and liquor sales have subsequently risen in the state of Missouri. The Rams and Chiefs are so bad, Mizzou could probably put up a decent fight against either one.

Kansas City has lost by two touchdowns or more to both Oakland and Atlanta, who will both struggle to win six games. The Chiefs are starting Tyler Thigpen at quarterback. Tyler Thigpen. Who the fuck is Tyler Thigpen?! Larry Johnson isn't what he used to be and Tony Gonzalez is more occupied with his hot-as-fuck girl than he is catching passes (see: Tyler Fucking Thigpen).

St. Louis' results are worse. The Rams have played what are likely three playoff teams (Giants, Eagles, Seahawks), sure, but haven't gotten closer than 24 points. What's disturbing is that St. Louis still has what seems like good talent at the skill positions. Marc Bulger is two years removed form throwing for 4,300 yards with a 24-8 TD-INT ratio. Torry Holt is a Hall of Famer. And Steven Jackson has run for over 1,000 yards the last three seasons. The defense though. Eeesh.

We see Kansas City's first win coming Nov. 30 at Oakland. If the Chiefs can't beat the Raiders, they'll try to avoid a winless season with a Week 15 home date against Miami or a Week 16 trip to Cincy. St. Louis, which has a far easier schedule in the weak NFC West, has a winnable game Nov. 2 at home vs. Arizona.

So. Worse team?

Friday, September 19, 2008

Pre-gaming: SEC Showdowns

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

Here's the thing about the SEC: it's such a fucking good conference, that you have a showdown of two top-10 teams like every other week.

I've been to Louisiana and once saw an LSU game in Baton Rouge. Fucking different breed down there. It was a 7 p.m. game against Houston in like 2001. LSU was lousy that year and you saw all sorts of signs trying to fire the current coach. The best sign: DiNardo must Geaux.

Despite the Tigers being lame and it being a non-conference game with a lamer Cougars squad, the tailgate was crazy. All day, homemade gumbo, more booze than a fucking alcohol warehouse...it was a great experience.

I've seen typical tailgating on the University of Washington campus and it's fine and people can drink with the best of them up here, but, man, the South is different.

Most games down there are starting at 3:30 p.m. or later and people are up at 7 a.m. going to town on Bloody Mary's and bourbon. Love it!

Which brings us to Saturday's games.

I'll break down some of the day's games on a one-to-four bunny scale of watch-ability.

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it.

Three bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games.

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

So here we go. All times Eastern.

No. 6 LSU at No. 10 Auburn, 7:45 p.m., ESPN: Like I've said now seven times, I fucking love the SEC and get a mild hard-on for night games down south. This one features two stellar defenses and two offenses that will make you want to tear out your pubes one at a time. It is very realistic that the winning team could score six points, much like when LSU beat Auburn 6-3 a few years back. Same deal. Atrocious offense, great defense. Defense wins championships, right? LSU 10, Auburn 6.

No. 3 Georgia at Arizona St., 8 p.m., ABC: The forecast in Tempe calls for 97 degrees. Fucking hell! That's kind of what Tempe's like. It's like a hot, devil-free hell. Will Matthew Stafford be able to throw the ball in 97-degree heat? Can Knowshon Moreno get 150+ yards and a score? I think yes. And I also think Dennis Erickson's face might fall off. Like the dude from Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

The Sun Devils' loss last week was no good -- and probably a sign of things to come. It'll be an electric crowd, but I like the SEC over the Pac-10 any day. Georgia 28, Arizona State 17.

No. 18 Wake Forest at No. 24 Florida State, 7 p.m., ESPN 2: On a weekend with few marquee match ups, two ranked teams playing might get four-bunny status. But shit, I just can't get excited about the ACC. Either of the teams could win the league and be a bottom-tier team in the SEC. The Deacon's Riley Skinner has been in college for like nine years, but nevertheless, he's a pretty decent quarterback. Florida State, meanwhile, hasn't had a decent passer since Chris Weinke, who appears to be approaching his mid-50s. Wake Forest 21, Florida State 17.

No. 4 Florida at Tennessee, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I fucking love the SEC on CBS because I get to listen to Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson and see the lovely Tracy Wolfson. Great crew.

I honestly think that Florida, on its best day, is the country's top team. But Percy Harvin's been banged up and Tim Tebow hasn't quite been at his 2007 Heisman form. Neyland Stadium will be rockin' and trying to chomp on some Gator...but can the Vols get their QB situation in order? Florida 35, Tennessee 20.

Notre Dame at Michigan State, 3:30, ABC: Already touched on this one, but I have a two-word reminder for you: Javon Ringer. (And Charlie Weis' knee has been through a fucking meat grinder. That won't have any impact on the game, though). Michigan State 21, Notre Dame 13.

Boise State at No. 17 Oregon, 3:30 p.m., FSN?: One of the better games on the West Coast, the Duckies are down to their third-string QB but still have a solid offense. At home, against a worse-than-normal Broncos team, gotta go with the Pac-10 in this one. Oregon 34, Boise State 24.

No. 20 Utah at Airforce, 4:00 p.m., TV?
No. 9 Alabama at Arkansas, 12:30 p.m., Gameplan.

Arizona at UCLA, 3 p.m., FSN?
: The Wildcats lost to New Mexico. UCLA lost 59-0. 59-0!

Miami at Texas A&M, 3:30 p.m., ABC

Tailgate Beverage of the Week

Long Island Iced Teas. No reason to fuck around on game day.

1 part vodka
1 part tequila
1 part rum
1 part gin
1 part triple sec
1 1/2 parts sweet and sour mix
1 splash Coca-Cola®

Ladies, feel free to substitute Ocean Spray Cranberry for the Coke and make a Long Beach Iced Tea.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote

"dkjljplkz&ooipqpx@*al,mzii_`mxkoi" (Run first, pass second).

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Ohio State's Jamie Graham. A PBU member and Girl of the Big 10.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, knuckleheads.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Blogger Interviews: Hugging Harold Reynolds

We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

We're joined today by Ren McCormack from Hugging Harold Reynolds. HHR Consists of three Editors, co-founders Ren McCormack (General/Philly Sports) & Fat Willard (General/NY Sports), and the chief (Offbeat/Boston Sports); as well as regular contributors: Rev. Shaw Moore (NCAA), Rusty (NASCAR), CR Dunbar (Horseracing/Michigan Sports), Cadillac Mescallade (General/NBA), Ariel (Pop Culture), Cubbie Chaser (Female PoV/Chicago Sports) & Throw the Flag (NCAA FB). HHR is one of the best blog names in the business and attracts readers on name alone. With the solid feature, Iron Ref, HHR is a staple of the sports blog community. Welcome them with open arms...

1. The Rundown:

Name: Ren McCormack

Age: 29
Location: Trenton, NJ
Occupation: Highly Trained Political Operative
Favorite team: Philadelphia Eagles
Favorite posts(3-5):

Our First Big "Find":
Any of the cheif's Power Rankings:
HHR's White House Visit:

GMT Fave:http://gemmintten.blogspot.com/2008/05/senior-superlatives.html


Time spent per day blogging/reading blogs: 3-4 hours

2. HHR is gotta be one of the best blog titles in the sports world. Explain how you came up with that gem.

I came up with the name before the idea of actually creating a blog entered my mind. I really think it just came to me in the shower one day. It's stuck, though. People that may not read the site but who have heard the name, remember it.

For the record, HR got a raw deal, but continues to persevere.

3. Iron Ref is a brilliant idea. Do tell the thought process behind it and how you go about get guests and coming up with topics.

First of all, Iron Ref IS a brilliant idea. But only 25% ours. As we said in the beginning, the idea comes from a site called Iron Clef, which uses a similar format - only related to music. One of our editors has contributed a few times to it, and enjoyed doing it so much he figured we should do something like that. Then instead of doing something like it, we decided to basically do the exact same thing only with sports.

After receiving the blessing and encouragement from Iron Clef, we launched Iron Ref. At first we thought we needed big names every time - which is a tall order for three at a time. Then we realized it would be better to mix it up, older blogs vs. new blogs, high traffic ones vs. smaller ones. It's great. People get to meet people and put out some damn fine content as well. Plus everyone links everyone else and you get one of the few situations where everyone involved wins. Plus the Chief - who organizes it for the most part - doesn't have to do all that much work.

We put out an initial "want ad" to some of our favorite blogs & blogger friends. The response was tremendous. Going on the 9th installment (at 3 writers a pop), we still have people in the queue.

4. HHR began in July, 2007. You just roll out of bed, shout a, "fuck yeah!," and start a sports blog? Or did the creation of the site come about in a more well-thought-out way?

Before starting the site, our "sports blog" exposure was limited to Page 2 and message boards. We had no idea what we were getting into.

Fat Willard, after stints as a personal trainer and thermometer salesman (both true), was able to convince a newspaper group (despite no formal training or experience) that he was "editorial material" and got a job as an actual blogger (also true).

(We had toyed around with a website similar in content probably about a decade ago – long before the term "blogging" was in the popular vernacular. It pretty much centered around fantasy league exploits that no one but league members "got," and it eventually died a quick, painless death).

Anyway, shortly after Willard got the aforementioned job he asked, "Want to do a sports blog?" I responded, "I have the perfect name for it." Like most sports blogs, it started as a place to rant and for our own personal amusement. To our knowledge readership was limited to a circle of about 20 friends (half of whom were contributors).

One morning I got a frantic call from Willard screaming that we had over 100 hits already (big traffic for us at the time). Turns out SportsbyBrooks had picked up a story. Shortly after that, we got a link on Hot Clicks (a story my wife - of all people – had penned). We still have no idea how either of them found us.

5. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?

Once we got going, we learned of the sports blog hierarchy, and realized our place in it. Problem in this "biz" is that with most stories and features that are newsworthy, everyone's doing it; everyone has their take on it – bloggers big and small. We realized two things: 1. If we posted some big news item, our handful of readers probably already saw it at one of the top blogs already; and 2. There are some seriously creative and off-beat sites doing some damn fine work that I actual like as much, if not more.

The Sports Hernia and Tirico Suave are hands-down my two favorites. Dreamboat Baby is one-of-a-kind and in a class by itself.

Of the "big boys," I prefer The Big Lead and Awful Announcing.

In terms of those associated with papers, I like RandBall (Star Tribune) & Jim Baumbach (Final Score at Newsday) – both honest and accessible, and, despite their old-media affiliations, still "keep it real."

As a Philly Sports fan, The 700 Level is a daily stop.

6. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?

Rewarding: the clichéd "escape from reality." One thing our site prides itself on is that, save Willard (and that's debatable), we all have jobs independent from either journalism or sports – thus truly making us feel we are still "common fans." Yet, I think we've held our own.

The frustrating part is when you actually put time and effort into a well-thought out piece and no one bothers to read it. But if you bang out a top-10 list or find a video of a dog pooping on Tito Landrum's lawn, it spreads like wildfire.

7. Dream job? Go.

I'd love to find a way to make this blogging gig allow me to quit my day job. Having a political science degree has more than prepared me for the life of a sports blogger – it's opinionated and total bullshit. Think about it poli sci folks out there: every paper you ever wrote in college was nothing more that your spin on someone else's philosophy and work.

That said, I've always wanted to run the community relations shop of a pro team.

8. What's the ultimate goal of your site/your writing?

When we started picking up steam we were worried that our lack of any kind of focus or direction would hinder us. Whether it has or hasn't, we're not sure.

What started out as a senseless hobby became a hobby requiring more consistency, time and thought. We're still naïve to a lot of the financial and structural elements of the site, so we have been reluctant to tamper with the current format too much.

The first goal is to continue to put out good, creative content.

Second, is to continue to grow in terms of keeping referred readers. I'm sure this is a challenge for all bloggers.

Lastly, we hope to be able to build more content-specific sites off of the "HHR Brand" (see: GemMintTen.com).

We have a forthcoming site that we have spent a lot of time developing in terms of usability, content and (more importantly) marketability. Essentially we have used our real-life knowledge and created a business plan for it, and are in the process of lining up authors and investors, and studying competition and market trends.

9. Baseball's coming down to the wire. Let's get some picks for the four playoff spots from each league and then a World Series pick.

Granted, I pray for and anticipate a Mets collapse, but I'll try not to play homer…

AL EAST: Red Sox


AL WEST: Angels

AL WC: Rays



NL WEST: Dodgers

NL WC: Phillies

World Series: Angels

10. You're on a deserted island with a dead president, athlete, celebrity and hot chick. Who are they and why?

I'm all about surviving.

Dead President: Abe Lincoln. He was 12-feet tall and could help me pick fruit and coconuts from high tree branches. Plus, maybe he could build a log cabin.

Athlete: Michael Phelps so he can swim his gangly ass off the island and find me some help. Plus, he wouldn't render any competition with my "Hot Chick."

Or did you want a dead athlete?

Celebrity: Jane Goodall.

Hot Chick: I take my wedding vows very seriously. But if my wife is lucky enough to not be stranded with me, I'll take Amanda Beard. See Michael Phelps.

Football player gets busted driving moped; also plays D&D and puts on his sister's lip gloss

Fine, the D&D and lip gloss part isn't true, but Wisconsin linebacker Jonathan Casillas did get busted for being sloshed out of his mind while riding a moped. A fucking moped.
The alleged incident occurred on the morning of Aug. 24, less than a week before UW opened the season at home against Akron. A preliminary report showed Casillas had a blood alcohol level of .15. The legal limit in Wisconsin is .08.
C’mon, pal, you’re a football player. You are the poster child for all things tough and manly. You like meat and potatoes, 5 o’clock shadows and Steven Segal movies. Not mopeds. Mopeds are for Lloyd and Harry, Europeans and guys who use moisturizer.

You’re screwing it up for all of us, Jonathan. If you’re gonna ride your moped, don’t get caught, dammit. We hope you weren’t drinking wine coolers that fateful night. Or wearing strappy sandals and listening to Collective Soul.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

We're up and running at Playboy U

We have a new partnership with PlayboyU.com. Maybe we told you. Maybe we didn't. Maybe fuck your mother.

We'll be writing for them a minimum of three times a week, doing things all college football. Come check it out. It'll be 100% new material, except for interviews with Playmates, which we might run here, too, so you can masturbate to two different sites.

You can read our intro post here and our first real post here.

PlayboyU.com (safe for work, in that there's no tit or bush, but there are some suggestive photos) should now be your one-stop-shop for college football insight, humor and poon. Lots of fucking poon!

I feel like it's 1991 and I love it

I don't know about the rest of you, but my "gaming" ability maxed out with the original NES. I still remember the day when we woke up on Christmas morning to find the Nintendo under the tree complete with the gun and the power pad. My brother actually fell to the floor, clutched the box in his arms, and kissed it. Our lives were never the same.

A few short years later my greatest love came into my possession, Tecmo Super Bowl. I played countless seasons with my beloved 49ers, sometimes going with the traditional Montana-led team, sometimes switching it up and letting Young lead the way. I'd always go into the offensive starters and switch Rice and Taylor so that Jerry could be at the top of the screen on the bootleg; worked every time.

Ever since the day the Nintendo stopped working right (you know what I'm talking about, blinking red light, damn thing won't stay on), I've always dreamed of the ability to play limitless Tecmo Super Bowl once again. A few years ago I got the dang thing to work long enough to play a whole season and win the championship, but it didn't last.

Well the other day all my prayers were answered in the form of RockNES, a NES emulator for Mac OS X. I found Tecmo Super Bowl and I'm back in the saddle. It's glorious. I've also found Kung Fu, Ice Hockey, Rampage, and, heck, tons of others I haven't even tried yet. I've tried to get an emulator before but never found anything that really worked or had Tecmo Super Bowl. This is the one. And I might never get anything else done for the rest of my life.

Fantasy Throwdown Update

I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath to find out who won the Fantasy Throwdown we described to you a few weeks ago. The flood of emails demanding to know the results has been overwhelming, so here you go, the results.

Sadly, Yahoo! won't let us look at the actual matchup results from week 1, so all you get is the score. JMC "Daddy's got a Zikpah" won 82.74 - 51.38 over Zach "The Pink Tacos." Willie Parker's 24.90 points might have had something to do with the lopsided score. So there you go. JMC won. Zach owes him a beer. By the way, Zach, loser buys the winner a beer. We made that bet. You might not remember it, but it happened. Trust me.

Oh and for those with inquiring minds, Zach is now 0-2 and in last place. Loser.

[Editorial note:] Derek Anderson can eat the inside of my asshole, thanks.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

F-Rod for MVP? (But not the Cy Young?)

Three schools of thought when it comes to MVP voting:

1. The stat-heavy voter -- "who has the best numbers on a decent (usually playoff) team?"
2. The best-player-on-best-team voter -- "best player on the best team." (We just said that).
3. The literal-interpretation voter -- "who was most valuable to his (usually playoff) team?"

We've always leaned the way of No. 3 -- take said player away from his team and see if that team remains highly successful.

So when talk of the AL MVP comes along, not too many names jump out at you. There's Dustin Pedroia (.327 average, 200 hits, 17 homers, 78 RBI), a hurt Carlos Quentin (.288 average, .571 slugging, 36 homers, 100 RBI) and Francisco Rodriguez (2-2, 2.38 ERA, 58 saves).

Voter No. 1 would vote Pedroia or Quentin.

Pedroia arguably has the best numbers of any AL position player and is on a sure playoff team. However, Kevin Youkilis (.312 average, 26 homers, 105 RBI) arguably has better numbers than Pedroia.

Quentin, too, has solid numbers, but he's now out for the year, his team might miss the playoffs and, fuck, it's Carlos Quentin. We're still mildly unsure where the hell he came from.

Voters No. 2 and 3 would vote F-Rod.

He's been the best player on what's been the best team in the AL (if not all of baseball) all season. He set the saves record and, in as many close games as the Angels have had, is probably the reason why they've already clinched a playoff berth.

So, we would vote Rodriguez (in what's been a very down year for individuals in baseball).


Could F-Rod win the MVP and not the Cy Young?

We say yes, yes, yes. (The three yes's was for emphasis, assholes). The way most look at the Cy Young (like Voter No. 1 -- strictly on stats since there's no mention of "valuable" in the award), Cliff Lee should be a unanimous choice.

Lee is 22-2, has a 2.36 ERA, 157 K's and a WHIP of 1.06. Gotta be one of the best individual years since 2000.

To not give Lee the Cy Young would be about as criminal as drinking and driving (Lawyer Milloy, we're not looking at you). That kind of season deserves recognition in award form.

But Lee, of course, won't be in MVP talks because his team is way out of the playoff race and because his team is way out of the playoff race. (Would make things interesting if the Tribe were in the playoff race right now).

So, there. We just solved the World's problems in one, relatively-short blog post.

F-Rod for MVP. Lee for Cy Young. Obama for President.

The state of some one else's bowels

Looks like reader, commenter and regular contributor JMC has been having some problems of his own.
I was so sick the last two days that I literally had liquid pouring out of my anus. It was as if I was urinating through my ass. Pure liquid. Not a chunk to be found. I'm somewhat recovered. Now when I sit on the can I shart a little bit and then some mildly solid chunks come out. It takes about half an hour and hurts a hell of a lot. Luckily the frequency of my visits has decreased quite a bit. Still, I probably have spent enough time in the bathroom recently that I could have read War and Peace cover to cover about three times. This all started Monday night, I had the runs a little, ate dinner, my stomach hurt a lot, I went to bed, got up a few hours later and threw up my Athenian pizza from La Val's. I had a pretty bad fever all day Tuesday and my doctor told me there's nothing I can do except wait it out.
Stay strong. We know what you're going through, man. We've been there, too.

Milloy's gonna need a good lawyer

Hey-o! We're here all week, folks. Tip your waitstaff.

[Falcons' Milloy faces charges on DUI, speeding]

Monday, September 15, 2008

It's the SEC, Big 12, USC and everybody else

Fucking love college football, even when it bends you over a guardrail and shoves a garden hoe in your ass.

We spent about 12 hours Saturday on the couch, watching multiple games, penis in hand (literally, at times) and screaming at the TV how our Pac-10 fantasy team is fucking terrible. (Stanford's Tavita Pritchard is our QB. What the fuck were we thinking?)

While Saturday's results were unkind to our rooting interest, the nation learned a lot:

USC could beat the Miami Dolphins

Jesus Christ! We knew Ohio State was a joke, but Beanie Wells plays, the outcome is the same. USC beat the shit out of what most people thought was a top-five program -- and what will be a BCS bowl team -- and did so with America watching.

College football now knows that the only team that can beat USC is USC.

The rest of the Pac-10 is not good

Mountain West > Pac-10.

Sad, but true.

Thanks to SI's Stewart Mandel, one of the country's best college football writers, we know that the MWC and Pac-10 went heads up in four games Saturday and the Mountain West won all of them.

Way for the Pac to flex its muscle. Shit. UCLA was embarrassed more than a second-grader who shit himself in class, ASU got caught looking ahead to Georgia, New Mexico surprised Arizona and TCU beat Stanford and Tavita Pritchard who is a fuck-cunt.

Oregon, the lone bright spot Saturday besides USC, somehow left West Lafayette, IN. with a win, but looked anything but impressive. Where'd the offense go against a middle-of-the-road Big 10 team?

It took Cal three quarters to show up against a Maryland team that had struggled with Delaware and lost to Middle Tennessee. But it was too late and the Bears lost...to fucking Maryland!

A Bears team that beat Washington State 66-3 the previous week. The Cougs, meanwhile, got blown out by Baylor, which isn't good at anything.

Washington State might be the worst team in the country. We're not kidding.

And the Huskies. Boy, the Huskies...

Here's how our conversation with our brother went when debating to go to the UW-Oklahoma game:

Him: Wanna go to the Dawgs game?
Us: Maybe. How much?
Him: $50.
Us: Well...
Him: Should I get them or not?
Us: Well, OU is going to go up 7-0. Then we're gonna to say, "Hey, only down a touchdown. Still in it."
Him: Totally.
Us: Then the Sooners are going to score again and we're gonna be like, "Just 14. If we score on this possession..."
Him: Yeah.
Us: Then they're going to go up by three scores and we're gonna be like, "Fuck."

The Sooners were leading 20-0 with 9:45 left in the second quarter. Call us bad fans, but we would have spent $50 to enjoy the game long enough for two quick pulls from the flask; not going was the best decision we made all weekend.

Aside from the SEC, the Big 12 is the only legit conference

It's been established that the Big East is no longer a real conference (West Virginia goes whoops, South Florida is South Florida and Rutgers...Rutgers. WTF?)

It's been established that the ACC is no longer a real conference (Week 1: Clemson goes whoops, Virginia Tech goes whoops; Week 2: Miami shows it can't compete with Florida. Week 3: Maryland (and Wake, we suppose) emerge as the teams to beat. Daunting.)

The Big 10 is bad and terrible and we hate it. Michigan, Ohio State, Purdue all lose big games and Wisconsin escapes in what was an entertaining game with Fresno State.

Perhaps the Mountain West should be getting an automatic BCS bowl berth. Just sayin'.

Friday, September 12, 2008

The Rays are not losing ground

The Rays were off Thursday.

Thank you for continued support of Rays week at The Big Picture.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Blogger Interviews: ?

We haven't run a Blogger Interview in a while and we're itching to get back in the saddle to get all journalist-y and shit.

But we're low on names. You can find previous guests here or low down on the right sidebar.

We're looking for well-known bloggers -- which is an oxymoron, but you get the point -- who we have yet to be on the hot seat. Timeliness is good too -- a top college football blogger might be more relevant right now than an NBA guy. Make sense? Good.

So? Suggestions, please.

Joe Maddon looks like Gene Hackman from Enemy of the State


Thank you for continued support of Rays week at The Big Picture.

Another gym moment

I saw a guy today at the gym who looked like the bad guy, pictured above, from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, except, of course, his face hadn't fallen off. And he was pretty yoked.

Maybe they were cousins.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

It's a fire sale for Arkansas State gear

It's not necessarily the most popular school in the country, but shit, if you want some Arkansas State clothing it won't cost ya much.

Funny side note: Arkansas State's mascot is the Red Wolves, but the team's athletic site is asuindians.com. Those pesky southerners always find a subtle way to poke fun at history. And it's hard to imagine why they changed the name to something more PC. It's not like the old logo, seen to your right, could possibly have been offensive...

Back on topic, a local store has a neat little promotion that, well, let's let them explain:
Hoppy Hoffman, who owns The Design Shoppe, which sells Arkansas State apparel, came up with a new promotion this season: 1 percent off after each home
football game for every point the Red Wolves win by.

Then Arkansas State won its home opener 83-10 on Saturday.

The discount is offered the Monday after each home game, and shoppers might never find cheaper prices than they did after Arkansas State scored more points in a game than any major college football team this decade against Texas Southern.

Combine 73 percent off with the fact that Arkansas State is 2-0 for the first time in 22 years, and business was booming Monday.
We're never one to pass on a good deal, even if it's 2224.81 miles away. (We looked it up. Mapquest gives us wood.)

Everything cost us $12.47.

Randy Shannon would be pissed

Fun story out of Europe.

Slovakia and Bulgaria played some women's hockey, which, in itself, is a bit humorous, and Slovakia won 82-0, which is more humorous.

(Man, we would plow the shit out of appositives).

But yeah, 82-0. Jeez.
With more goals than minutes in the game, Slovakia's women's ice hockey team claimed an amazing 82-0 victory over Bulgaria in Olympic qualifying.

Slovakia outshot the Bulgarians 139-0 during the 60-minute game, played in Latvia. The margin of victory is a record for a women's International Ice Hockey Federation-sanctioned event.

Janka Culikova led Slovakia with 10 goals, while Martina Velickova scored nine. Fourteen different players scored at least one goal.
When it comes to Olympic qualifying, you can't mess around -- margin of victory is huge. Just ask The U's Randy Shannon.

Holy crap!!! The Rays are going to win the World Series!!! AAGGHH!!#6!!! The Tampa Bay Rays are going to win the World Series!!!1@!!5!

Multi-tasking: jumping AND high-fives!

We don't really mean that, but a little overreaction from time to time never hurts.

Huge win Tuesday over the Sox. Blown lead in the eighth, just to win it in the ninth. Hats off to you, Tampa. Nicely done.

And the Rays tagged Papelbon with the loss. Nice. Papelbon's a cunt.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Mike and Mike. And Mike?

Didn't see much of the Broncos rout of the Raiders, which was probably a good thing because, jeez, Mike and Mike were calling the game? Ouch. Talk about ESPN's B team.

And to make things more mike-y, ESPN added Mike Ditka to the booth. Intentional? We have to believe so. Mike, Mike and Mike! M3! Some one got promoted over that one.

Speaking of Ditka, well, broadcasting probably isn't for him, as he puts a sentence together as well as a third-grader with a speech impediment. But perhaps ownership is in his future.

We saw the other day, and naturally commented, that the Bears probably shouldn't be owned by Virginia Halas McCaskey, who NFL Adam would do after two drinks. Ditka would be the quintessentially owner of the Bears, right? He is like Mr. Bear.

And what's a Ditka post without a nice little clip? Enjoy. And feel free to whack it to Virginia Halas McCaskey. Lord knows we might.

The Rays are fucked...and why America should care

Well, America shouldn't necessarily care. That was just being hyperbolic and magazine-y. You could totally see that as an SI headline, right? Totally.

But, yes, the Rays are screwed like a pornstar and it's bad for baseball.

After a 3-0 offensive-awakening Monday against Boston, the Rays have lost six of seven and hold only a half game lead over Boston, which, as a city, is collectively mourning the loss of Tom Brady by drinking and talking with poor accents.

The Sox win the East by three-plus games, no question, but with a 7.5 game lead over Minnesota for the final playoff spot, you'd think the Rays would be able to clinch their first playoff berth in franchise history. Not much of a consolation, though, will be having to go to Anaheim and face the Angels in the ALDS.

Tampa has 20 games left (seven at home, 13 on the road): five with Boston; three with New York; four with Minnesota, Baltimore and Detroit.

Minnesota has 19 games left (nine at home, 10 on the road): three with Cleveland, Baltimore and Chicago; four with Tampa; six with Kansas City.

Hard for any team to make up 7.5 games with 20 to play -- especially with that team has only been 13 over through 143 games.

But Baltimore might not win another game and Kansas City hasn't been good in like 80 years. And the Rays could very well lose 12-14 of those remaining 20 games.

Considering most people thought that Tampa was still a year or two away from competing -- in what's easily baseball's toughest division -- the fact that the Rays would have to hang themselves from the ceiling fan to choke as badly as they'd need to choke to miss the playoffs is a pleasant surprise.

But kiss the AL East crown goodbye. But the playoffs are looking good, Tampa. Though they could totally blow it. What if they blow it? That'd suck. Big time. Fuck. They might blow this thing.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Ellen, College Football Live and the gym

I was with my girlfriend all summer which was great because she's amazing and wonderful and smart and funny and hot as fuck and I got to do R-rated things to her often.

But now I'm in Seattle, and she's in a galaxy far, far away. And now I'm horny as fuck all the time.

I wake up with wood and I'm fucked from there. I swear, all I think about is sex. I turn on the TV and Ellen is on and I find myself wondering what it'd be like to fuck Ellen DeGeneres.

By 12:30, I'm masturbating to College Football Live.


I go to the gym for two reasons:

1. To get big and strong so girls want to have sex with me and I don't need to masturbate as much.
2. To look at hot girls in spandex so I can masturbate more.

But the only people I'm seeing in spandex are old men and women who have no business wearing spandex and should probably not be out in public. (Not really. That was mean.)

The people at my gym, though, look like they've rolled around in an ugly forest, where they were beaten by ugly sticks and then got makeovers to look even fucking uglier.

It's like depressing. Sort of, I guess. I mean, I go in there and my ugly ass feels pretty good about myself. But then I want to go home and rub one out to the hot girl who used to make bedroom eyes at me, but she's not there and instead there are like 15 people who give you a reverse boner.

Seattle must be the ugliest major city on a coast.


I would probably masturbate to the people who go to my gym.


Bad weekend for Seattle sports. Eeesh.

The Dawgs have a disheartening loss at home to a ranked BYU team, Brandon Morrow loses a no-hitter after 72/3 for the Mariners, then the Seahawks make the Bills look like an early 90s Buffalo team who would go on to a lose a Super Bowl.

In better Seattle news, the sun has shone two days in a row, a September record.


Worse weekend for the AFC's big three contenders.

Jeez, San Diego loses at home on the last play, Indy looks pitiful against a clearly better-than-you-thought Bears squad, and the Patriots, well, Matt Cassel, welcome to the NFL.

The AFC now appears to be wide open.

Our Super Bowl pick after Week 1: Buffalo 27, Atlanta 20.

No, not really. Buffalo and Atlanta fucking suck.

Let's do this instead: Pittsburgh 24, Philadelphia 17.


Been seeing previews for Richard Gere's new flick, Nights in Rodanthe, which also stars Diane Lane who, at 43, is bangable beyond belief.

The movie looks awful -- it's a straight-up romance -- but got us thinking about the Romance genre.

What if basic romance movies were nice romantic stories, but filled with graphic sex scenes? And not like in porn. Beyond that shit. Like fucking obscene. Like you would get to see Diane Lane turned inside out by Richard Gere. That would probably resonate more at the box office.


This paragraph, from a Lozo political post, made me laugh pretty hard:
McCain’s people decided this person, Sarah Palin, should be next in line behind a guy who has absolutely zero shot of living for another eight years. I can’t think of anyone I would draft before McCain in a death pool right now. He maybe makes it through four years. Maybe. But I doubt it.

John McCain would fit in nicely at my gym. I would not masturbate to him. (I don't think, anyway.)

And the winner is...

Ace, of The Ace of Sports, is the winner of Friday's little caption contest, offering up this gem:

"And that, gentlemen, is how you make Campbell's Chunky Soup."

Thanks to all for playing. We'll do it again soon.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Fun with pictures

If captions are your thing, we suppose this would be an appropriate time to leave one in the comments.

Best caption gets choice of:

1. A link
2. A shoutout
3. Porn links


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Fantasy Throwdown!

As you all know, the NFL season kicks off this week, and that means fantasy football. In what's probably not a surprise to anyone, the writers of this blog are in a fantasy league together with a bunch of other schmucks. Lo and behold, two of us are matched up in week 1. Zach (The Pink Tacos), and JMC (Daddy's got a Zikpah) will face off this Sunday. Here are the lineups -- it's projected to be a close game, who do YOU think will win?

Click the picture for a larger size!

Oklahoma City Thunder: It rolls right off the tongue

The Seattle SuperSonics are officially dead: welcome to the NBA, Oklahoma City Thunder.

Thunder? Really? Daunting. Scary. Intimidating.

And there is thunder in Seattle, too. And in Miami. And in just abut every fucking city that has weather or the sky.

What's even more humorous than actually referring to a professional basketball team (that does not contain women on it) as the Thunder is the other names OKC brass were considering.

They were Wind, Barons, Marshalls, Energy and Bison.

One by one:

-Wind. OMG! WTF! LOL! The wind. DURANT FOR THREE AT THE BUZZER...WIND WIN! WIND WIN! Yeah, that would work for a WNBA team.

-Barons. Like it. A title of nobility. Beer baron. Baron Davis.

-Marshalls. Not bad. A western term. A form of authority. Carry guns.

-Energy. No. No. No. Kinetic energy. PG&E. Energizer.

-Bison. Safe. Go the animal route. Fine. Plural without an S. Love it.

Going the path of storms or thunder or weather, we thought Twisters could've been good. Or Tornadoes. Why not? Kind of trite, but pertinent to the region, daunting and easy to turn into a logo.

But instead we now welcome the Oklahoma City Thunder to the NBA. And we officially say goodbye to the Seattle SuperSonics.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Dr. Williams, Medicine Man

This is a funny article. And it's about sports. So we wanted to put our stamp on it, FJM style.

The pre-algebra teacher was just making small talk when he approached Dolphins running back Ricky Williams on the star's first day of school at Nova Southeastern University last week.

Three things:

1. Ricky Williams is back in school. Wonder what he wore to his first day of class.
2. Nova Southeastern University is a place of higher learning. Really. This is not a joke. Seriously.
3. We took pre-algebra in seventh grade. Just saying.

Yes, Williams is just a regular student these days, apparently unrecognizable to dozens of students and his teacher as he pursues an undergraduate degree he never got during his tenure at the University of Texas.

Going back to school is important. Nova Southeastern University. One more time. Nova Southeastern University. Probably has a great business school.

Perhaps the most intriguing reason, though, is Williams' return to school. Currently enrolled in a pre-algebra class and a writing class, Williams only devotes two hours per week on the evening of his off day from the Dolphins.

In "writing class," Williams is learning the difference between nouns and verbs.

Next semester, he'll become a full-time student, needing 74 more credits to graduate. But he doesn't plan to stop there. Part of his reason for wanting to stay in South Florida is his desire to enroll in Nova's medical school.

Surely a top-tier program.

Williams wants to become a doctor, and Nova has a program that will allow him to study Osteopathy.

This is not going towards medicinal marijuana. Uh uh. No way.

These are obviously high aspirations,

See, not going towards medicinal marijuana.

but Williams said he realized he was gifted in the field of holistic medicine, which is encouraged in Osteopathy, during his world travels.

Holistic medicine, n.: a philosophy of medical care that views physical and mental aspects of life as closely interconnected and equally important approaches to treatment.

World travels refer to the time he traveled the world. He may or may not have smoked a joint that was, "sturdy enough to prop open a door."

''I like seeing people feel better, and I know what it feels like to deal with pain,'' Williams said.

He is in no way referring to medicinal marijuana. Absolutely not. No dope. Drugs are bad. DARE.

Whatever happens after his career, though, is not what the Dolphins necessarily care about.

Be a doctor. Be a monk. Smoke some doobies. It's all good, brah.

If Williams and Brown can remain healthy -- and if Williams can continue to show his current level of dedication to football -- the controversial star said he believes the Dolphins are on the right track to success and he can help them get there.

Here's to 3-13, bitches!

Then, Williams' teacher might start to know his name.

If 4x = 8, what is the value of x?