Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

That pilgrim woman probably used to give great head...

We'll be off the rest of the week, eating like Charlie Weis, drinking like Robert Downey Jr. and boning like Ron Jeremy.

We'll leave you with this absurd Sarah Palin video to take you through the long weekend and crown a WYD champion on Monday...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Upper Deck has made better choices

This photo of a '91 Jim Abbott Upper Deck baseball card popped in our inbox yesterday and boy is it a doozy.

-It's an American League pitcher batting.
-This is well before Interleague play began.
-It's probably taken during a Spring Training game.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

There's no R you fucking asshole

Those of you who watched the Washington Huskies fire up brick after brick against the defending champion Jayhawks also heard Bobby Knight repeatedly refer to the Dawgs as WaRshington. The WaRshington Huskies.

"It's been a long night for the WaRshington Huskies."
"Brockman's having a tough not on the block for WaRshington."
"Romar's going to have to get WaRshington back on the free throw line."

It's WASH-ington you cocksmoker. Go throw a chair and see a speech therapist, you old bastard.

Hawaiian shirts, big games and tropical drinks with tiny umbrellas: It's the Maui Invitational!

Been having a hard time getting into the young college basketball season; with so much important football being played, the only hardwood we're interested in is that in our right hand. (Zing! Hey-o! Yahtzee!)

But, jeez, gonna be some pretty good games today in Maui. We're in the semis of the tournament and No. 6 Texas and No. 8 Notre Dame tipoff at 4 p.m. Pacific while top-ranked UNC and Oregon will play in the nightcap.

We're not sure why non-conference college basketball doesn't get the same love as non-conference college football. Probably has to do with a lot of other sports going on right now (CFB, NFL, NBA action) while those big non-conference college football showdowns happen in the slower part of the year.

But a main reason, too, is that a loss ain't so bad in college hoops. If Notre Dame gets tagged with a loss in November, not gonna be a big deal come March. Whereas Ohio State was dismissed pretty early from the BCS championship discussion after dropping the soap against USC. Would a college football playoff take some meaning away from those marquee non-conference showdowns?

Year after year Maui brings out the big boys. Love it. Big-time hoops before Thanksgiving. Enjoy it.

Can UNC be stopped -- even with Tyler Hansbrough less than 100% (if at all) and Tyler Zeller out? Will Texas give reason to be a trendy Final Four pick? Will Luke Harangody steal the stage? Or will this finally be Chaminade's year? Oh.

Rabbi wins date with Oksana Baiul and her penis

A New York rabbi won ice skater Oksana Baiul at an auction and will likely try to have sex with her, which sounds sort of like prostitution.
What's a date with ice skating queen Oksana Baiul worth? To an Upper West Side rabbi, $2,500. At the other night's Spicerack Fashion Show, host Ray Ellin auctioned off a dinner date with the Ukrainian, who was celebrating her 31st birthday. The winning bidder, a 40-something rabbi, said, "Well, I'm single, it's for charity, and she seems like a nice Jewish girl. I guess I'm the luckiest guy in my congregation."
That's exactly what the rabbi is looking for: a nice Jewish girl. Or some hot, steamy, expensive sex. Take that, celibacy! Who wouldn't want to bump uglies with this hot, sultry...

Wait a sec. Oksana Baiul looks like a man. Like what the fuck? Didn't she used to be hot? She looks like she got steamrolled by an ugly machine. And then she was beaten with a series of blunt objects. And then maybe she suffered some scarring. And maybe she's an amputee. And she might have a penis.

[NY Post via Ben Maller]

Monday, November 24, 2008

Ohio State, the Granddaddy would like to extend a middle finger to Arizona and a teeth-clenching smile to Oregon State

Arizona coach Mike Stoops shares the same feeling as Ohio State, the Rose Bowl committee and fans of competitive football.

Solid Prevent defense, Arizona. Really fundamentally sound.

With the Wildcats leading Oregon State 17-16 and the clock ticking down on the scoreboard and the Beavers' Rose Bowl hopes, Sammie Stroughter snuck behind the Arizona defense for a 47-yard gain and set up a chip-shot, game-winning, Rose-Bowl-still-alive field goal for Oregon State.

Ohio State, the Rose Bowl committee and college football fans collectively sighed. It's now up to you Oregon, as the Beav are now a Civil War win at home from going to the Rose Bowl.

And if USC wins out (scrimmages against Notre Dame and UCLA), they'll likely get an at-large BCS bid sending two teams from the very mediocre Pac-10 to the BCS. An OSU Rose Bowl appearance would likely cost Ohio State (and a long-shot Boise State) over $10 million.

Of course Ohio State is openly rooting against Oregon State. While it would be fun to see a non-USC Pac-10 champion, college football fans aren't pushing for that scenario either. Nor are the rich men in fancy suits who want to make $$$ off the Rose Bowl.

But the suits won't say that. They'll gladly welcome in the Beavers, who would meet Penn State in Pasadena only a few months removed from getting bent over in a 31-point loss in Happy Valley. They'll be thrilled to have a team from insignificant Corvallis, Ore. rather than Los Angeles. And they'd be thrilled to see a rematch of a blowout than a more traditional USC-Penn State slugfest. They'll just welcome Oregon State with a forced grin and say nice things through clenched teeth.

The Pac-10 would be happy though. Conference money from two BCS bids would be nice. And every bowl-eligible team would essentially move up on the bowl ladder. (For example, the Pac-10 3 would go to the Holiday Bowl rather than the Pac-10 2).

Everybody else? "Fuck you Oregon State. Fuck you."

Friday, November 21, 2008

Pre-gaming: The 101st Apple Cup

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

On the bright side, one team will feel good Saturday night. The down side? They have to play the game.

Welcome to the shit-show that is the 101st Apple Cup, a battle of ineptitude, incompetence and horror. Winless Washington (0-10) travels to the ugly part of the state to take on 1-10 Washington State, who has no business having that 1 in front of the 10. (The Cougs beat a 3-7 1-AA Portland State).

Wazzu, who I'm convinced is the worst team to play major college football in my lifetime, has been outscored in their losses an average of 52-9.

The Dawgs? The only winless FBS team.

It's kinda like the BCS Anti-National Championship. Instead of No. 1 playing No. 2, this is like No. 119 playing No. 120. UW and WSU hold the top two spots in's Bottom 10.

Despite the inferior play on the field, the Apple Cup is the Apple Cup; people give a shit about this in the Northwest. I'm a bit bummed I won't be in Seattle Saturday -- just to gauge the level of excitement or lack thereof.

There was a time that I would tell a WSU student to bag my groceries. Or refuse to put my penis anywhere near a girl wearing crimson and gray. Or roll off a number of anti-Coug jokes.

But now? Misery loves company and there'll be an orgy of misery at Martin Stadium.

I'll root like hell for my Dawgs, but there are no bragging rights beating a team that probably would lose to a few Washington high schools.

I'm pretty sure the rule book states that two teams can't lose the same game, but when these two teams play, I wouldn't put any sort of failure past them.

While the Apple Cup will be carried nationally by FSN, there are some games Saturday between two, actual college football teams.

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 2 Texas Tech at No. 5 Oklahoma, 8 p.m., ABC: I think this is like the third "Game of the Year" in the Big 12 this season, which takes away some meaning from the phrase.

But fuck! This should be good. If you like college football, make sure you carve out four hours of your Saturday night to watch it.

If your girlfriend wants to bring home two of her girlfriends for you to have your way with, see if they'll make you some nachos be your personal waitresses.

If your buddies are offering to pay your way into the strip club and buy your first lapdance, ask if they can send the strippers to your living room.

If there's a family emergency...well, that wouldn't be good. But a portable TV runs as low as $50. A backup plan is never a bad thing.

The other two Big 12 Game of the Years (Texas vs. Oklahoma; Texas Tech vs. Texas) have both lived up to their billing. No reason to think otherwise here. Oklahoma 35, Texas Tech 31.

No. 14 BYU at No. 7 Utah, 6 p.m., The Mtn.: Nobody has your fucking channel! Thanks for spoiling the MWC Game of the Year, Mountain West Sports Network. Utah 28, BYU 27.

No. 20 Pitt at No. 19 Cincinnati, 7:15 p.m., ESPN 2: This game probably means something in the Big East. Nobody else fucking cares! Cincinnati 21, Pitt 14.

No. 15 Michigan State at No. 8 Penn State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: Ya know who's to fucking blame for this not being a four-bunny game? Iowa. Thanks for fucking up Penn State you assholes.

No. 21 Oregon State at Arizona, 7 p.m., FSN?:. Oregon State has a legitimate shot at going to the Rose Bowl. For a team that opened the season with a loss to Stanford, that seems wrong. Tucson isn't an easy place to play. But fuck, this is the kind of roll a team needs to get on to the Rose Bowl. Oregon State. Rose Bowl. Wasn't Mike Riley supposed to have been fired like three times by now? Oregon State 42, Arizona 34.

Michigan at No. 10 Ohio State, noon, ABC.
Just cuz.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:


This malted energy drink will fuck you like a Peruvian prostitute. It'll hit you hard and fast. Four flavors of 9.0%-9.9% alcohol goodness. And it'll keep you going from dusk 'til dawn on a loaded college football Saturday.

And you can make jokes like, "the Joose is loose." Or "He's on the Joose." Or "Look at that cunt-goblin drinking that pussy-ass shit."

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"¿jkV%kzQ†M~b" (The team that scores more points will win).

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Washington (-7) at Washington State. It's pretty amazing that a winless team can be a touchdown favorite on the road, but welcome, Huskies, to the "feel-good game of the season against Washington State."

For how bad the Huskies are...well, the Huskies are mind-numbingly terrible. But they'll cover. Washington State is that much worse.

2008 Bet It Hard Record: 6-1, 5-1 against Washington State.

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Keola Antolin, RB, Arizona.

This scum-fuck can't take a motherfucking hint. I wanted to hang him with a jump rope weeks ago after he fucked up Cal with nearly 150 yards yards and three TDs and, most importantly, prevented any Nic Grigsby action. Now I want to hang him with a jump rope and bludgeon him with a fucking tetherball. (Hey, playground games can be dangerous!)

In a 55-45 loss to Oregon, this piece of fuck ran for 87 yards and four TDs. To reiterate, my two Pac-10 fantasy backs are UofA's Grigsby and Oregon's Jeremiah Johnson. The two teams combined for 100 points. Neither of my backs scored. If Antolin got a flat tire every day for the rest of his life, I think the world would be a better place.

(Oregon's Jeremiah Masoli gets an honorable mention for rushing for 89 yards and three TDs and throwing for 298 yards and two more scores. A jab to the throat with the jagged edge of a hoola hoop sounds appropriate).

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Mary Alejo

This exotic, nicely-enhanced sex kitten will stiffen you up faster than a speeding bullet and make you more powerful than a locomotive.

NSFW photos here and a huge sorta-kinda-SFW gallery of tiny bikinis here. Enjoy. Pervs.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.

Texas Tech basketball scores 167 points; Harrell throws 11 TDs

This is a real college basketball score in a regulation 40-minute game, played on a regulation-sized court with five players on each side who breathe oxygen and put on their pants one leg at a time:

Texas Tech 167, East Central, 116

Forty minute game. Five players a side. No quarterbacks and wide receivers and seven-point plays.

East Central, for those of you not up on your East Central sports news, is the Tigers. They're from Ada, Oklahoma, which, as you'd expect, is in the east central part of the state. And they sound like a high school team in a Disney movie.

They're not and they gave up 167 points in a college basketball game with two baskets and one ball.

The best thing about the Denver Nuggets

From reader Taylor comes this boner-popping video.

Slow motion and silicone. A match made in Heaven!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hey, so Ball State...

We've written nearly 40 college football posts as part of our PlayboyU gig thus far and have been covering the sport plenty here the last 12 weeks. And this is the first time we've used the words "ball" and "state" sequentially.

Hard to take the Cardinals that seriously since they've beaten just three teams with a winning record and play in a mediocre-at-best MAC. But good win Wednesday in Mount Pleasant (great name for a college town) against a solid Central Michigan team. Ball State, at 11-0, is a win away from sealing up a perfect regular-season and going to...the GMAC Bowl? The Cardinals host 9-2 Western Michigan Tuesday.

Player to watch? Running back MiQuale Lewis, who rushed for 177 yards Wednesday. MiQuale. Awesome.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The game's tied, silly. DON'T FOUL!

Some of you West Coasters might have seen the end of last night's preseason NIT game in Tucson, Ariz. UAB was leading Arizona most of the night until a late second-half comeback brought the Wildcats to the line down two with about 30 seconds to play. The free throw shooter misses the front end of the one-and-one, but the 'Cats get the rebound and the put-back to tie the game. That's when the fun begins. This is unreal.

A short string of shitting emails

This is just too funny not to share with you.

Had a string of emails today from some buddies discussing the state of all of our bowels.

This email, in response on how to pump out better, cleaner shits, got me going pretty good:
Eat "good friends" Kashi. It's great. It has a picture of these two old people on the front. I guess because old people tend to have shitting problems. But the stuff is great. Start your morning off with 15 grams of fiber. I take these huge, red-ish shits and when I get off the pot I feel like Jared from the Subway commercials.

I eat beans galore, too. Beans don't have as much of the kind of fiber that makes you shit, but they have the kind that prevents heart attacks. So that's good too. At least that way you won't have a coronary while you're working out another disastrous turd.
I countered with this:
My shits have been strange lately.

often, i have to go like within an hour of when i get up. they're usually really fucking huge logs that get broken off and then smear mud-shit all over my asshole. it's usually like a half-roller and sometimes my ass starts to bleed cause i've wiped too much.

but lately, i haven't had the luxury of shitting in the morning because of work and not having the courage to shit while my lady's home. so i've been holding my shits in for up to like 3 hours. it's an awful feeling, but when i finally release my doom on the bathroom, my shits are more packed and crystallized. it's great. sometimes i think i have some feces wrapped around my intestines, but for the sheer convenience, it's a much quicker shit.
So there. A quick update on the state of my and my friends' bowels. Your sentiments welcomed in the comments.

Is the MVP award losing its value?

In a season where there were no true offensive standouts, it's hard to feel some sense of satisfaction or closure with the MVP choices.

But when the NL winner was a player from a fourth-place team and the AL winner wasn't even his team's consensus best player, it raises some eyebrows.

Giving Albert Pujols his second MVP is all right, especially in a watered-down National League. Pujols hit .357 with 37 home runs and 116 RBIs, which are certainly MVP-worthy numbers in this Steroid-free era. Ryan Howard, had he been able to hit for average, would have run away with the award, we suspect. Howard had 48 homers and 146 RBIs, but hit .251.

We have said that Manny probably shouldn't get the award since he was on the Dodgers for less than half the year. But if you look at the most valuable player...just sayin'.

In the AL, Dustin Pedroia's league-leading 213 hits, 118 runs and 54 doubles were MVP worthy. A .326 average, 17 homers and 83 RBIs aren't bad either.

But we wouldn't even be able to make a firm argument that Pedroia was the Sox's best player. With Kevin Youkilis' .312 average, 29 jacks and 115 RBI, he would be just as strong as an MVP candidate. Those who watch Boston regularly could probably tell you that Pedroia was the spark plug and all that shit, but looking at the stats, Pedroia certainly doesn't leap off the page.

It's not so much that Pujols and Pedroia were bad choices -- we'd probably have voted for them both -- but perhaps it's the new trend in this post-Steroid era where there are no players having overwhelming years. Perhaps the days of a .330+ average, 40+ homers and 130+ RBI are gone.

It's good to see the playing level evened, where you have a superstar like Pujols and a smallish, second-year second baseman getting honored in the same way. But the 2008 MVP winners don't carry the same weight as those in years past.

Ugh, bring back the juice?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

BCS Championship Doomsday Scenarios

Nothing like hypothesizing and speculating to find ways for the BCS to become a mess of chaos. Everyone likes a little mayhem this time of year, and especially those haters of the current system will root for things to get flipped upside down in the coming weeks.

Word right now is that we'll see the Big 12 champ vs. the SEC champ in the BCS title game in Miami on Jan. 8. That's pretty likely unless the following scenarios play out (assuming that the BCS title game will feature conference champs, though ESPN's Brad Edwards says otherwise):

Scenario 1: Missouri wins the Big 12.

It's still unclear who will represent the Big 12 South in the Big 12 championship game if Oklahoma beats Texas Tech Saturday in Norman. Moot point in this scenario, though.

Let's say that two-loss Mizzou wins the Big 12, the BCS title game will likely be without a Big 12 rep.

: USC.

Scenario 2: Florida loses again in the regular season (at Florida State?) then beats Alabama in the SEC championship game.

Totally legit that the Gators could lose to FSU. Not likely, but not improbable either. If a two-loss Florida then beats 'Bama, which we'd bet a paycheck on, the SEC is probably out of the BCS title game.

Advantage: USC.

Scenario 3: Oregon State wins out, claiming the Pac-10 crown.

Would send the Beavers to their first Rose Bowl in over 40 years and spell disaster for USC's title chances.

Advantage: Penn State, Utah, Big 12 South team(s)

4. Scenarios 1, 2 and 3 all happen.

If scenarios 1 and 2 both go down, are we without a Big 12 and SEC team in the championship game? Quite possibly.

Add in scenario 3 to the mix, that would, theoretically, eliminate the Trojans from any BCS title game arguments since USC would be the Pac-10 No. 2. (If the Beavers lose -- next week at Arizona and then the Civil War against Oregon -- this is moot. USC could sneak back into title discussions.)

But who else? Does Penn State get back in the mix? A one-loss Big 12 South team that didn't even get to play for the conference title? Undefeated Utah? Does the world just implode?

Thoughts, analysis and chaos theories in the comments, please.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Has Seattle sports reached rock bottom?

After another miserable weekend in the Emerald City, there are very strong arguments that Seattle is the most miserable city to be a sports fans.


Thought to be a sure-fire playoff contender, the Seahawks have brought the worst kind of hurt: unexpected failure.

In Mike Holmgren's last season, the Seahawks seemed poised to make another run at the NFC West crown (not exactly bragging rights, but still a guaranteed playoff spot) and maybe make some noise in the playoffs.

But after Sunday's loss to Arizona, the 2-8 Seahawks are all but done and will now start analyzing an aging quarterback, mediocre running game and lousy receivers. Arizona is now the class of the NFC West, which is perhaps the worst division the NFL has seen in years.


We wrote a few months ago 100 = 117.
One hundred losses with a $117 million payroll.

The M's are the first team in Major League history to be so miserable and to spend so much doing so. No other team has ever lost 100 games with a nine-digit payroll. You could make the argument that this is the most disappointing team in the history of baseball.
Thank you very much, Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre and Kenji Johjima.

Washington Huskies (football):

Now 0-10 after a 20-point loss to hapless UCLA, the Dawgs are the lone winless FBS team. They've only been competitive in two games, losing by a touchdown or less to BYU and Stanford.

There's a lame duck coach, the "star" quarterback is hurt and recruiting is looking bleak. Not exactly the prestigious program that UW once was.

And Husky Stadium still has a fucking track circling the field. Disgusting.

Washington Huskies (basketball):

After a two-year hiatus from the NCAA tournament, the Husky hoops squad was supposed to be in the top half of the Pac-10 and make a push for a tourney bid.

But after Saturday's loss to Portland, the Dawgs' confidence is in the gutter and they'll have an eyesore of a loss to an RPI 100-200 team on their bubble résumé. Not the start that U-Dub envisioned.


Now known as the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Sports fans in Seattle are losing their minds. Apathy, depression and anger has set in and Seasonal Affect Disorder is looking like a pretty good alternative right now.

If Seattle isn't the worst city to be a sports fan currently, we don't know what is. (Though the Bay Area isn't that distant of a second. Perhaps bad sports just follow us around!)

The Oregon Ducks, now with wings

Our pals at The Victoria Times are all over Oregon's new mess of a uniform.

If Donald Duck appears on the helmet next week, we'd be the least surprised.

Like, seriously, what the fuck? Someone, somehow, thought that this was a good idea. If you like change, though, perhaps Oregon's unis are for you. Something different on a weekly basis.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Not to say I told ya so...but, I told ya so!

I really should start betting.

No. 25 South Carolina at No. 4 Florida, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I guess this is a good game on paper. Ol' Ball Coach going back to the Swamp. Saturday's only game with two ranked teams. Verne and Gary and The Wolf(son). South Carolina has a good offen...who am I kidding? Florida's gonna win by 50. Florida 63, South Carolina 13.

And if there's still any doubt about Florida being the best team in the land, you need to wake the fuck up.

Florida 56, South Carolina 6.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Pre-Gaming: A Saturday to go shopping, see a movie and masturbate seven times

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

If there's ever a Saturday to run errands, clean your place or have continuous rabbit sex for eight hours, Saturday is your day.

I can't remember a college football Saturday so light on good games. Like fuck. There's only one game between two ranked foes and it'll be a massacre. And there are very few attractive alternatives.

Saturday will be like the rest of the year that lacks college football. You wake up and discover you have nothing to do. You flip on the TV, see a mediocre game, and you realize that you don't know what to do besides form an ass groove in your couch while watching 10-straight hours of football.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'll probably still watch football all day, but boy, I'm not happy about it. I might get a haircut. I might go to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Have you ever been to Bed, Bath and Beyond? It's an evil store. The bath mats and towels are covered in barbed wire, the cups and bowls are all laced with Cyanide and the clerks are Anti-Semitic.

I might go to the movies. Maybe I'll read a book. Masturbate? I do that anyway in the gap between the 3:30 and 8pm games. But, Saturday, maybe I'll do it twice. It could be that kind of day.

I don't think I've even left the house between the hours of 9 a.m. and 8 p.m. on a Saturday the last nine weeks. Is the sky still blue? I bet it's like dark and red and has flames and shit. And everyone who's outside are skeletons and the only people driving are elderly Asian women (in skeleton form).

But it's important to step outside of comfort zones, expand your horizons and take a chance. If that means leaving the house, wish me luck. I'll need it.

Will you watch Saturday's shitfest of a schedule or will you, too, have to take a risk?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None (sigh.)

None (FUCK!)

No. 25 South Carolina at No. 4 Florida, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I guess this is a good game on paper. Ol' Ball Coach going back to the Swamp. Saturday's only game with two ranked teams. Verne and Gary and The Wolf(son). South Carolina has a good offen...who am I kidding? Florida's gonna win by 50. Florida 63, South Carolina 13.

No. 11 Ohio State at Illinois, noon, ESPN.
They played a good game last year. That's all. I was taught to only speak when I have nice things to say.

Arizona at Oregon, 3:30 p.m., FSN?
Here's how it's gonna play out: Arizona's Nic Grigsby will rush for 470 yards and six TDs. Oregon's Jeremiah Johnson will run for 350 yards and four TDs. Nobody else will touch the ball. One team will win. Probably. Grigsby 42, Johnson 28.

Boston College at No. 19 Florida State, 8 p.m., ABC.
No. 10 Georgia at Auburn, 12:30 p.m., ESPN 360.
No. 16 North Carolina at Maryland, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Zach's Blastin' Lemonade

-3 oz. shitty vodka (Popov, 3 Star, Taaka all do the trick).

-4 oz. lemonade (powder is OK, liquid or frozen preferred).
-1 0z. strawberry margarita mix

-Optional: add a dash of Sprite or Club Soda to carbonate.

Pour vodka and lemonade over ice. Add strawberry margarita mix. Stir. Get tossed.

I first made this drink when I was 16-years old. I was hanging out with some cute girls who I sorta knew, sorta didn't, and fully wanted to stick my penis in.

The three ingredients to what later became known as Zach's Blastin' Lemonade were around and I mixed them together, thinking they might help get me laid or a mediocre-to-bad handjob.

I gave them to the girls and they loved them! Couldn't stop drinking them. Then I think they puked. I went home and masturbated. Story of my adolescence.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"+Dkx|mc%oqiuq0@!0X~sx*" (Keep your feet moving.)

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

BYU (-4) at Air Force. The Cougars are averaging 36.2 points per game, tops in the MWC, and are only giving up about 18. The Falcons score about 29 and give up about 17. I'm playing averages, folks. I got BYU by about a TD.

Meanwhile, Washington State covered the spread last week. I know. I punched a hole through a wall. Fuck that. So, Washington State, you're off the hook this week. Still, if it's your thing, the Cougs are a 36.5 underdog at Arizona State.

2008 Bet It Hard Record: 5-1. (All picks against WSU).

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

USC Defense

I'm so fucking smart sometimes, I end up fucking myself.

So in like the fifth round of my Pac-10 fantasy draft, I took the draft's first defense, USC. I knew they were gonna be solid and clearly the league's best defensive squad.

And sure enough, I was fucking right. The Trojans' D is allowing a ridiculous 6.7 points per game, tops in college football. USC has pitched three shutouts and has only given up more than one touchdown once -- in the loss to Oregon State.

But, in this backwards-ass league, only touchdowns matter. And USC, despite the ridiculous scoring defense, has only scored two TDs.

So stop shutting teams out you spoiled dick-grabbers and give me some pick sixes.

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Lauren D'Marie

This PlayboyU babe is also the Cybergirl of the Week. This also gives you all-natural types a break from all my silicone-filled friends. Safe-for-work photos here. NSFW photos here if you have a Cyberclub pass.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

NFL Midseason MVP?

Ugh, who wants it?

The Hater Nation brings up the compelling question: who's the leader for the MVP right now?

For how prestigious the NFL is -- easily the most popular league -- we feel that the MVP race is often overlooked. More of a team game than baseball is, we guess. But c'mon, who was the MVP of the '06 season? See, can't even go back two years. (It was LaDainian Tomlinson, by the way. But we had to look it up.)

Some of your candidates for this year's trophy:

Drew Brees: Possibly record-breaking numbers, but team might miss the playoffs.

Clinton Portis: Largely responsible for the Skins' (and Jason Campbell's) success, but he's been hurt.

-Kurt Warner: It's Kurt Fucking Warner and he's on the Arizona Cardinals. The last time the Cardinals won anything?

-The best teams -- Tennessee, NY Giants, Pittsburgh, Carolina -- don't really have any one person who's putting up huge numbers. Manning? Roethlisberger?

-Douchebag Rivers and Jay Buttler: Both are putting up some numbers for decent teams...but better than Brees'?

Unless someone emerges in the second half of the season, the award will be pretty forgettable. Much like the time Rich Gannon won the award. (2000 AND 2002!)

Notre Dame could be dangerous in the West

Joe Lundardi's been busy. With college hoops officially underway (even though few teams have actually played games that count) it seems appropriate that we get a November edition of Bracketology.

Some observations:

-Top seeds of UNC, UConn, UCLA and Louisville seem about right.
-The South Region (Memphis) and East (Boston) could play big advantages if L'Ville and UConn, respectively, can get top seeds.
-The loaded Big East has nine teams in. The Big 12, with seven teams, is second.
-Somehow, many teams' stock is either rising or falling. Not too sure what to think about that.
-The Washington Huskies, which should be pretty OK this season, aren't even on the bubble.
-Washington State, along with Alabama, LSU and Oklahoma State, is one of the last four in.
-Maryland and Dayton got snubbed.

So, who's ready for March?!?!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

BCS out of Joe Buck's hands???

According to this report, ESPN is the top bidder to take over the BCS television rights when the current deal with Fox runs out after next season. If they get the deal, we won't have to suffer through Joe Buck ruining another championship.

PLEASE, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, come true!!!!

The best college football game you've ever seen in person

We've been to some pretty good sporting events -- Giants and Niners playoff games, great college hoops games and even some fun hockey action.

But it's college football season now and it's time to talk about some of the best college football games you've seen in the flesh.

Ours? Probably the 2003 Apple Cup:
In the 2003 Apple Cup, Washington State (ranked No. 8) entered the game with a 9-2 record and a shot at the Rose Bowl while Washington, at 5-6, were trying to avoid their first losing season since 1976. WSU had a six-point lead until UW true freshman Corey Williams caught a diving pass in the end zone with 1:10 remaining in the game, which gave the Huskies a 20-19 lead after a successful PAT. On the ensuing drive, the Huskies' Marquis Cooper intercepted a pass by WSU quarterback Josh Swogger and returned it 38 yards for a touchdown, which after a successful PAT resulted in a final score of 27-19.
It's the only time we've been on collegiate goal posts. Fun times.

So, the best college football game you've ever been to? Make us envious in the comments.

'Rockies, playing for future, deal for Smith, others'

Remember our fun headline game from the World Series? Let's play again, Matt Holiday trade Style...

-Smith era ends in Oakland; starter headed to Colorado for outfielder
-Hello Huston! Closer dealt to Colorado in two-team trade
-Geren: 'Embree to close'
-A's, Rockies swap outfielders to start off-season deals; Peavy trade on tap?
-Rockies acquire Smith, O'Dowd says, 'Pitching wins championships'
-Rockies' '09 strategy: Francis and Smith and pray for rain
-'Takin' it to the Street:' Reliever dealt to Rockies for outfielder
-Gonzalez: 'Oakland was never home'

Yours, please, in the comments.


Cool hat.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Throw the fucking ball!

You fucking fuck. Two straight running plays on the 2-yard line? One to a college quarterback. FUCK.

On that hot Eagles cheerleader...

My name is Maria and I am a cheerleader for the Eagles. YAY EAGLES!!!

Before I joined the team, I went to Bishop McDevitt High School in suburban Philadelphia. Boys were interested in me since I was 14-year-old because I developed early. I used to have braces and was a tomboy, but the boys still would flirt with me. What can I say, I liked the attention.

My high-school sweetheart was named Sebastian and we dated for a year after high school.

I remember one time going to a party with some of our friends and there were some McDevitt alum there, too. I wasn't much of a drinker at the time, but I had a few Mike's Hard Lemonades and was feeling tipsy. I think some people might have been smoking pot, but it might have just been a skunk.

I told Sebastian I was going to go upstairs and lie down. He said that sounded like a good idea. But a while later, my head was swimming and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. Sebastian came up and started to stroke my hair. He then put his hand on my leg and started inching his hand up my skirt.

I didn't want my first time to be like this, but he was sooo cute. And I really liked him. He was sooo popular. And cute. Did I mention he was cute?

So I let it happen. In retrospect it probably wasn't a great idea, but Sebastian was so good to me. We recently broke up because I have access to about 50 heat-packing football players. But to this day, I think of him when I'm on the sidelines shaking my early-developers. Maybe he's out there watching, waiting.

By the way, I still like Mike's Hard Lemonade but I also like Sauvignon Blanc.

(KSK with the masturbation material).

Monday, November 10, 2008

Has Tennessee completely quit?

A week after forcing out longtime coach Phil Fulmer, the Vols, once a proud program, are reaching new lows.

Not only is UT 1-5 in the SEC, but the Vols are now 3-7 after losing to...wait for it...WYOMING! THE WYOMING COWBOYS! TENNESSEE LOST TO THE WYOMING COWBOYS! OMG!!! LMAO!!!! LOL!!!! WTF!!!! CAPS LOCK!!!!!!

It's possibly signs of a lame-duck coach or, according to's Chris Low, a team -- with one of the country's most unwatchable offenses -- giving up. The Vols could only muster 219 yards of offense against a Cowboys team that was 3-6 entering the game. Tennessee lost to WYOMING! THE WYOMING COWBOYS!!! WTF?!?!?!>(A!<@#>

What may be the bigger question now is if the Vols can recover over the next few years. Will one dreadful season go the route of Washington and Miami -- programs, once so high, that have yet to stop the bleeding? Or is this just one of those seasons that gets repressed and doesn't alter the state of the program in the long run? Time will tell. But for now, Tennessee is a bottom-tier Mountain West team. A disappointing way for a legendary coach to go out.

Tennessee lost to fucking WyoMInG! WTF>!^&M!@?"?!?

Friday, November 07, 2008

Pre-gaming: Yes We Can (Get a Playoff!)

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

No matter your political affiliation, college football fans of any color, socioeconomic status and faith can agree that college football needs a playoff to conclude the season.

So when President Elect Barack Obama goes on ESPN and announces that he would get rid of the BCS and implement a playoff in college football, we, as a nation of football fans, can rejoice.

Others more connected to college football have also been outspoken this week about the desperate need for a more conclusive finish to what's perhaps the best regular season in all of sports.

Penn State coach Joe Paterno, who is still confused by the "World Wide Web," had a fun speech stating his dislike for the BCS. USC's Pete Carroll, at the end of the same video, mentions how he is none to pleased with the current format after his Trojans fell in the rankings after destroying a winless Washington team.

I should mention, that Oklahoma's Bob Stoops also was in the news this week speaking out against the BCS. Both Stoops and Carroll have won National Championships in the BCS Era.

Will any of this matter? Probably not. It's one of those systems that just about everyone knows is bad and wrong, yet nobody does anything about it. For now, unless Obama acts fast in this matter ("Fuck it! Screw the economy. Who cares about the wars? We gotta fix college football, baby!"), expect your college football season ruined come December for the foreseeable future.

But don't expect games to be ruined this weekend. Unless, of course, your team loses in which case you might want to go mix uppers and downers.

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 9 Oklahoma State at No. 2 Texas Tech, 8 p.m., ABC:

I would have loved to be Red Raiders' stud receiver Michael Crabtree after TTU's thrilling win last week over Texas. One of the heroes of the game, I somehow think that Crabtree went back to his dorm room later that night and had a three-way à la Ray Allen in "He Got Game." (Link NSFW!!!)

No threesome for Crabtree this week as Tech should take care of business at home and set up a possible BCS Championship play-in game against Oklahoma on Nov. 22 after a bye next week. Texas Tech 38, Oklahoma State 24.

No. 1 Alabama at No. 16 LSU, 3:30 p.m., CBS
: 'Bama's biggest test before the SEC Championship game, can the Tide escape the Bayou unblemished? LSU is by no means dominant this year -- the offense is pathetic and the defense has declined with some key draftees. Alabama is not the best team in the country. No way. The Tide is ranked No. 1, but I'd put the Tide's chances to win a playoff at like 15:1, giving better odds to Florida, Oklahoma and USC

This is also a return to Baton Rouge for Alabama coach Nick Saban. Expect signs that read: "Saban can geaux fuck himself" and "Saban bleauxs" or "Saban: you meauxfucker." That last one might be a stretch. Alabama 21, LSU 12.

No. 20 Georgia Tech at No. 19 North Carolina, noon, ESPN 360: The only thing I know about either one of these teams is that Georgia Tech now runs the triple option. There's a blast from the past that I can respect. Georgia Tech 30, North Carolina 17.

Wyoming at Tennessee, 1 p.m., ESPN 360.
If the Vols somehow lose this game, Phillip Fulmer might have to go into a witness relocation program. Tennessee 6, Wyoming 3.

Notre Dame at Boston College, 8 p.m., ESPN

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Caucasian (White Russian)

2 oz vodka
1 1/2 oz Kahlua coffee liqueur
1 - 3 oz half-and-half
Ice cubes

Pour vodka and Kahlua over ice cubes. Add desired amount of Half-and-Half.

Watch "The Big Lebowski" on Friday night and you'll crave one of these meauxfuckers first thing on Gameday. Proceed to make people call you "The Dude."

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Ma/oa01?@x{d,rop" (Play like a champion today.)

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Arizona (-41) at Washington State. I gotta start taking my own advice and betting my paycheck against Wazzu. They are perhaps the worst team to ever play college football. Like really. I did some actual work and found that WSU, minus its win over Division 1-AA Portland State, has been outscored 434-63, an average game score of 54-8. If the metaphorical "competitive line" was in Pullman, Wash., the Cougars would be on fucking Pluto.

2008 Bet It Hard Record: 5-0. (All picks against WSU).

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford

You pretty boy fuck, stop doing so well.

The Cardinal's bulky back has 13 TDs and six games with 100+ yards. Not only is he probably the best statistical Pac-10 back, but he's fucking stealing touchdowns from my quarterback Tavita Pritchard, who is currently masturbating to film of his three-TD game at Washington.

Get a high ankle sprain, Tobias. Or a sports hernia. Or sodomize yourself with some pvc pipe. I don't care. But stop scoring, dickface. And instead let Tavita throw the ball unsuccessfully.

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Sheena Lee, Playboy Cybergirl of the month, June, 2006.

Yes, hot Asian poon. Very nice.

Try a NSFW gallery here. If that link blocks you, just Google her and masturbate responsibly.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.

Thursday, November 06, 2008


That's me and fellow Big Picture cumslinger JMC on Halloween. I dressed as Daniel Plainview and JMC went as my son and business partner, H.W. former Niners coach Mike Nolan. He did a bang up job!

We both drank a lot. I think J might have drank less. I got kicked out of the bar for going out the emergency exit. The bouncer was a fucking tool about it, too. Bro, that shit happens to the best of us. Thought it was the patio. Dick.

I don't think JMC got kicked out, but I'm not really sure of anything anymore except that I'm a lightweight and I couldn't eat or drive until 4 p.m. the next day.

By the way, that mustache isn't my version of a Photoshop attempt. It was real. Well, it wasn't real, but it was tangible. It made my face warm as fuck and I got throw up all over it. I think I might have thrown up on the bouncer. That would excuse him from being a total cunt. But I'm pretty sure I didn't, so the bouncer can go shove a flagpole up his ass.

Next year, if I puke milk, I could go as the Monopoly Man.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Man, 73, records points in college basketball game, able to get to AARP meeting on time

Just when you thought college hoops were getting younger with the impact of so many freshman, a JC game in Tennessee got significantly older. From Yahoo!:
Ken Mink, a 73-year-old full-time student, scored two points Monday night in Roane State Community College's 93-42 victory over King College's junior varsity. Mink entered the game with about 16 minutes left in the second half and attempted one shot in about three minutes. Seven minutes later, he went back in the game, was fouled and made two free throws.
The underclassman on Roane State CC have been known to use Mink for shoulder tapping. And as a wing man. Mink can really pull...

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Please Vote

On a day where the most important thing you'll vote for is clearly two first-round match ups in the "Would you do..." Tournament of Champions, remember that there are a few other teeny, tiny reasons to go vote today.

And if you are California readers (and voters), please make sure to do the right thing on some of these propositions. Some pretty important ones...please do the right thing. Like really. Some pretty fucked up shit got on the California ballot.

And for our Ohio friends and readers out there (there are an alarming number of you!), make sure your state goes the good direction. You know which way that is if you've been reading closely!

So make us proud, sweet country. Vote and vote right. Don't fuck this thing up.