Thursday, August 30, 2007

Yi Jianlian is a Buck

Hi. It's Yi again.

Things I like: diverse cities, Golden Retrievers, rice wine vinegar, practical jokes, fashion sense, courtroom dramas, Nike, unwritten laws, interpreters, Eggs Benedict.

Things I don't like: confrontational people, "Orange" Chicken from Panda Express, Milwaukee, light beer, Nancy Drew, sluts, Radiohead, cynicism, tapioca.

Things are better now than when we last talked. I just signed a contract with the Bucks and I will, in fact, play in Milwaukee.

I mean, it's hard not to be happy about it. It's bittersweet, if you will. I have the financial comfort that every person longs for. But I have to spend the next few years of my life in Wisconsin.

I don't like Wisconsin. I guess I should have told you that in my list above. I like diversity. I want to walk down the street and see people who don't look like me or you. I guess there aren't a lot of people who are 6-foot-11 and Chinese, so really not too many people look like me. But you know what I mean.

The Census said there are only 27,500 people of Asian descent living in Milwaukee. That's not a lot. Not enough. I suppose I could do something about it. I could create more people of Asian descent. I'm an NBA basketball player. I could walk down the street and make a child.

A big part of life is how you deal with the obstacles that life throws your way. I've been given a hurdle. Milwaukee is gross. But now I'm here. And I'm going to make it better. One game, one step, one child at a time.

I also like improv comedy and after-dinner drinks.

College Football is here! And so is the poon!

College ball kicks off today which is just about the coolest thing we've heard since a girlfriend of ours once asked, "Do you mind if I bring a friend?"

To get juiced for the season, we want to point you in the direction of the new site, wonderfully titled, SEC Poon.

Here's what it's all about:
Face it - your team will suck ass. Maybe not this season, maybe not even next. But eventually you’ll be stuck grinding through a brutal conference schedule, like a dead man walking. And during these days of despair, when all hope seems lost, The Poon shall be thy comfort. Because some days its not about the final score.
Yeah. And if any of you Southern Big Pic readers get some good tailgate photos of hot SEC poon, send those photos to And CC us too.


Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to by Tuesday night.

College football starts today! Holy shit! Get your big foam finger, Bloody Mary and ass-groove ready for what should be a helluva season. Predictions and rankings aren't really our thing, but watch out for those Big East powerhouses to make a run at the National Championship. And Hawaii is totally our sleeper to make a BCS game.

Just got back from a two-day road trip where we might have drank all of the alcohol in the entire world. Nothing better than drinking with some homies on (in?) a river.

That's Amber. We're not sure that's her real name or not, and we're told that people often have last names. But here's some NSFWish pics of this "Amber." And don't even think about touching her...

1.) We're with our buddies over at Rumors and Rants: Lou Holtz is a fucking moron. And he probably has ED.

2.) The Money Shot tells us how the Tigers helped bury the career belonging to Mike Mussina.

3.) Our Book of Scrap finds more Madden stuff that will help destroy any shot of you getting laid.

4.) Stiles Points breaks down some of the big Week One college football games. We're not sure why Washington-Syracuse isn't on this short list.

5.) Flyers Fieldhouse has a fantastic list of the top 75 sports -- yeah, sports! -- of all time. While a great list, we think Flip Cup over Beer Pong is bullshit. You hear that Flyers Fieldhouse? Bullshit.

6.) If a blogger got his proverbial hands on Michael Vick, this is what the interview would sound like. Stupid Sideline Reporters, ugh, reports.

7.) Epic Carnival sits down with KSK's Unsilent Majority. Hey, we once talked to Unsilent...

8.) The Hater Nation should be your first stop for NFL previews. And satire. And cynicism.

9.) How hot chicks might be placed on a soccer field. The Beautiful Game provides your Thursday hard wood.

10.) Just Call Me Juice puts a smile on our faces: the shitty sports season is over!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Big Picture Categories: college football stadiums

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

We had a good back-and-forth about college football rivalries a few weeks ago and today -- because we're so fucking juiced that CFB is starting! -- we'll talk about college football stadiums.

There are some good names of stadiums out there and you guys need to come up with those names without stumbling. And don't look them up. We'll fucking kill you if you do. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person who can't name one has to take a shot of bottom-shelf tequila. Without lime. Or salt. And take it off of a male coworker.

We'll start with a familiar site: Husky Stadium (University of Washington).

Spit off your stadium knowledge in the comments.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Pacman could take some notes from this guy

Fun story out of Nashville Sunday from Yahoo! via SI's wonderful Hot Clicks:
A man who authorities say used his computer to make fake $100 bills to buy lap dances at a strip club has pleaded guilty to counterfeiting charges, federal prosecutors said.

Strippers at Deja Vu in Nashville were suspicious of the bills and called police after Damon Armagost spent $600 of the fake money April 16, authorities said.
MLK. Ghandi. Mother Theresa. Those historical figures are no longer our heroes. Welcome, Damon Armagost to an elite club of Big Picture idols.

We find it funny that he was spending the money on strippers opposed to, say, food, booze, hookers, arms, butt plugs or bootlegged DVDs from the Far East, but anytime you can throw down the Benjamins at a strip club, well, you're a good man.

As for Pacman Jones, well, he has nothing to do with this story. Frankly, this story is not even sports-related. Hmm. We're having blog identity issues right about now. Well, there are some girls who look like they might play sports. There. Sports-related. Don't judge us.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Mark Cuban will continue to get his freak on

Here’s some mental imagery that might have you reaching for a mind eraser: Mark Cuban. Dancing.

Oh, wait.

Following in the illustrious footsteps of athletes Apolo Ohno, Clyde Drexler and Laila Ali, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will become the next cast member of Dancing With the Stars, a source told

Jennie Garth and Wayne Newton are also in this thing (awesome!), so, geez, Cuban could stick around for a while.

We pretty much do anything we can to avoid reality television, but, boy, this could actually be pretty fun.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Friday, August 24, 2007

This is the funniest thing we've seen in a long, long time

Happy Friday, from EDSBS via With Leather.

Have a wonderful, sex-filled weekend, you rotten scoundrels.

Mike Modano's wife = 0 Long Islands

That lovely lady to the right is Willa Ford. She's well-known for having blond hair, blue eyes, and what's likely a very knowledgeable tongue. She may or may not have been on a TV show or two. Probably not though.

Anyway, she's marrying Mike Modano who we think is the actor who starred in The Mighty Ducks. Or is he a singer? Ugh, soccer player?

Well, whatever it is that this Mike Modano does, he bangs Willa Ford. And, if he's anything like us, the banging would pretty much parallel every meal, which is -- give or take -- 10 times a day.

Yeah. This Modano fellow probably plows this broad 10 times a day. Whoa. Whoa.

And if masterbation's your thing, you can find some jerk-material from the link above.

Andy Reid can't control his kids

Just when you thought the roads were safe in the middle of the afternoon comes this disturbing tidbit:

Britt Reid, 22, of Villanova, failed a sobriety test in a store parking lot around 3:45 p.m. and was given a blood test, Assistant Police Chief Joseph Lawrence of Plymouth Township said.

Britt (ugh, girl's name?) also struck a shopping cart. Sick. Fuck. Day-drinking has been a hobby of ours for the last, oh, 23 years. It's pretty fun to get toe-up and then check your watch and realize your hangover's starting at 4 p.m. But you can't drive while day-drinking. Self control, man.

Andy Reid's kids in trouble with the law sounds familiar, no?

Reid is free on bail pending sentencing in the Jan. 30 road-rage case, in which police said he brandished a handgun at another driver. He pleaded guilty last week to gun and drug charges and faces a possible six to 14 months in jail.

Reid's 24-year-old brother, Garrett, faces at least three days in jail after pleading guilty last month to drug and traffic offenses. Garrett Reid admitted to using heroin the day he ran a red light in Plymouth Township and hit another car.

Andy Reid. Parent of the Year.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Spend your day...and night...and following day with ESPN

Good news, people! If you didn’t have plans for August 29th and 30th, now you do! And hey, you don’t even need to get off the couch.

ESPN's Twenty-Five Hours of College Football Presented by TiVo starts at 7 p.m. ET Aug. 29 and continues until the Tigers-Bulldogs kickoff 25 hours later.

Hard to think of a better way to get ready for College Football 2007, unless, of course, you only watched for, say, an hour and a half.

Luckily, Rece Davis will be your emcee for the evening, and, considering some of the folks on the family of networks these days – we’re talking to you Kirk Jimenez! -- the event seems to be in pretty good hands.

We can’t stay awake for 25 straight hours, so we’ll probably just tune in at 3 a.m. ET to watch the Hawaii team practice live. The Warriors moved their practice just for ESPN, so, really, it’s the least we can do.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Sul Ross State University must be pretty bad at football

Give a 59-year-old grandfather a D-III college football tryout, and, damn it, he’ll make the team.

That is, of course, if your name is Mike Flynt and you’re trying to win a spot on the Sul Ross State University roster.

Flynt played for the Lobos 37 years ago until he was kicked off the team right before his senior year for fighting. Turns out he still had eligibility, so he tried out and made the cut (though his position is yet to be determined). Now he’s a senior and just six years away from being a senior.

We’re pretty skeptical about the coach’s decision to give Flynt a spot on the roster. The guy’s 59 for crying out loud. He’s a card-carrying member of AARP. His dad was in the Battle of the Bulge.

This is either a great marketing move by the university, or the Lobos are gonna go winless this season.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

That's one way for the Rangers to take out their frustration during a shitty season

10-3 15-3 20-3 30-3.

Hang with Urban Meyer. It'll be fun! And really expensive!

If you happen to have $1 million lying around – and who doesn’t? – you can experience the pleasure that is hanging out with Urban Meyer.

In a prime example of creative fundraising, wealthy boosters can pay $1 million to share a meal in the home of Florida football coach Urban Meyer and spend the day with Meyer and his staff, complete with a session breaking down film. The Gainesville (Fla.) Sun reports this and other fundraising efforts will help a major renovation project at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

Watching film with Coach Meyer sounds more like work than pleasure to us, but we imagine this could be the thrill of a lifetime for a Gators fan. The day-after conversation could go something like this:

Donor: Honey, it was... [catches breath and collects thoughts] ... Urban Meyer! He was right there! And we watched film! On Ole Miss! And he was wearing sweats!

Donor's Wife: What did Mrs. Meyer make for dinner?

Donor: Meatloaf! Best I've ever had! It was coated with ketchup! Heinz ketchup! Not that Albertson's-brand shit you buy! And Urban Meyer was there! In his sweats!

Donor's Wife: Get out.

That, folks, is the most expensive piece of meatloaf a man may ever eat. But...Urban Meyer! In sweats!

-Adam Landres-Schnur

If Stanford wins the Pac-10 this year, some people are going to be very rich

We, admittedly, know very little about sports gambling – how to bet, where to find Tim Donaghy, etc.

But the college football odds against winning conference championships are out, and, would you know it, Stanford is a real long-shot to top the Pac-10.

That is assuming you call 1 billion:1 a long shot.

(Editor's Note: Odds are according to yesterday’s USA Today on page C11, which are done by – sorry, we couldn’t find a link to the online text box.)

We’re certain Jim Harbaugh is feeling pretty good about his Cardinal these days. Hey, they’re a pesky team. And they might be smart enough to rig the thing. *

We, for the aforementioned reasons, aren’t big sports gamblers, but with these odds, hell, we could throw down a few bucks.

*Probably not true.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Big Picture Categories: sex positions

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Sports are just about the most important thing in the world. Family and friends might edge it out, but sports are awesome. And then there's sex. Perhaps the pinnacle of everything. Watch a good game or have sex? Have a great conversation with a close friend or have sex? Do we need to keep going?

So today's category will focus on the fun ways people do the nasty. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person who blows it shotguns a beer. At work. In front of your boss.

We'll keep it simple: missionary.

Get freaky in the comments...

Monday, August 20, 2007

Micah Owings is 'roiding...

...Or he just had a helluva game Saturday.
In his first game in his home state as a major-leaguer, Micah Owings had perhaps the game of his life, pitching seven innings and going 4 for 5 at the plate with two home runs and six RBIs as the Diamondbacks trounced the Atlanta Braves 12-6.
Going 4-5 with two jacks and six RBIs doesn't happen too much, so when it does happen and it's a pitcher doing it, well, people like us take note.

We think it's really cool. Oh shit. That's a great game. He surely had a threesome later that night.

But there are skeptics out there these days, and as our homeboy Josh at The Beautiful Game would say about Owings' colossal game, "he's juiced!"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Meet Sophie Simone Cortina

The lady pictured goes by the pseudonym Sophie Simone Cortina, though her real name is Hot Sexy Babe.

Among her interests:

-Being the little spoon
-Being the little spoon with sexy bloggers*
-Morning sex with sexy bloggers*
-Breakfast in bed after morning sex with sexy bloggers*

Cortina is in the news because, as our friends over at Awful Announcing point out, she's now a sideline reporter for ESPN. Her first assignment is the prelims of the Little League World Series, so we'll quickly figure out which players -- who, we remind you, wear tight pants -- have hit puberty and which haven't.

Cortina, who has both French and Spanish blood, would have given Erin Andrews a run for her money in the "Would you do..." Tournament, but she'll have to wait for her another time to have a catfight.

And we're curious, what would a hummer be like from a woman who speaks the Spanish tongue?

*Statement is undoubtedly true.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Best sporting day of the year

Holy shit! The summer can be soooo boring. Like nothing happened yesterday. We don't think. A new video game was like the big story. We found ourselves watching the Food Network, followed by some shit on Oxygen, followed by Sportscenter fucking Sponge Bob.

To revert to happier times, back when watching TV was fun, Hypothetical Wednesday will focus on the best sporting day of the year from the perspective of a TV-watching fan.

Some things to consider:

-multiple games on said day?
-big party event?
-are tits somehow involved?
-could you, theoretically, watch a sporting event from the time you wake up, until the time you go to sleep?

We long for a day full of sports viewing, so bring back that loving feeling in the comments.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to by Tuesday night.

Man, football has begun. Our fantasy draft isn't for a few weeks, but the research has already begun. Things don't seem as clear cut to as up top as last year. And maybe we should stay away from Vince Young.

Went to Reno, Nev. last weekend. Might be the armpit of the Western U.S. But $5 blackjack tables and free drinks are hard to turn down.

That's Gemma Atkinson. Say what you will about the British looking at some pics of this minx.

1.) Check out the football coverage over at The Hater Nation. While satirical, NFL Adam is a professional NFL writer who knows his shit. Funny and informative blogging at its best over at THN.

2.) Our Book of Scrap's hottest wife/girlfriend tourney is still going on. Go vote. And Jennifer Walcott better fucking win. She's a walking wet dream.

3.) Mondesi's House scores an interview with an ESPN radio host. No, it's not Colin Cowherd.

4.) Stupid Sideline Reporters with a preview of the Seattle Seahawks, that may or may not make a crack on Matt Hasselbeck's receding hair line.

5.) The Pig Pen ranks the American League uniforms.

6.) Could D.C. blogger Dan Steinberg and Padres infielder Kevin Kouzmanoff be related? Rumors and Rants investigates.

7.) Nyjer Please with a review of Madden '08. Sorry. We know people are hell of juiced about this, but we just can't get excited for an updated version of a game we already have. (We fucking kill at '07, by the way.)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Big Picture Categories: college football rivalries

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Last week we went the whole contraband route and discussed names for herb. Since this is a sports site after all, we'll ditch the drug and sex talk today (it'll be back. Don't you sweat...) and talk about the actual games.

Today's category is the names of college football rivalry games. We're not looking for match ups (e.g. Auburn vs. Alabama) but rather the names of said rivalries. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to fuck up has to do a body shot off of Fat Bill in HR.

We'll go with our favorite name: the Backyard Brawl (West Virginia vs. Pitt).

Drinks are won and lost in the comments...

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Yankees are coming on strong

I recognize that smell, motherfucker. It's the smell of fear. And you all are living in fear. We're coming faster than a 15-year-old getting his first tugjob.

Eight of nine, motherfucker. Sweep the Tribe. We go from 14 and a half back to just four games behind the Sox. Don't even try to wipe this smile off my face, motherfucker.

They could just give me Manager of the Year right now. If they don't want to, that's fine. I don't need a trophy to validate how fucking awesome I am. I can get a hooker to do that. Or Jeter. Captain Pussyman would tell me my ass looks good in baseball pants if I asked him to. I wouldn't. That'd be fucked. But you get the point.

And don't think for a second I'm concerned about Seattle. C'mon, Richie Sexson? He might be the worst hitter to ever hold a bat. And Weaver?! Don't get me started. Getting rid of him was the best thing this franchise has done besides hiring me.

We might as well just call the season right now. I mean, they can finish out the season and all, but they should just hand over the World Series trophy now. My fingers are feeling a bit bare. It's either another ring or I'm going to go splurge on some blow. A man has needs, ya know? Buying myself gifts from time to time is completely normal.

Did we get sidetracked? We did. Sorry. Let's talk more about how my team is gonna make your team look like the fucking Pony League All-Stars. We're so strong right now, we might never lose again. Fuck it. We'll rip off 50 in a row. Think that might be a record. But records are meant to be broken, bitch.

Don't even bother looking over your shoulder. Give us a week, and you'll be looking straight ahead. Motherfucker.

Friday, August 10, 2007

The U is a team of 'butt buddies'

Randy Shannon is the new man leading the troubled Miami football program, and, after just a few months on the job, he's blogging gold.

From The Miami Herald's Eye on the U, comes this quote from the first-year head coach:
When asked about Graig Cooper in the spring, Shannon said: "I think Coop did a great job. He brought some excitement to the team. And he's a calm guy. He's not an arrogant or flamboyant guy." It was going well, then coach goofed. "Believe it or not, he and Javarris James are kind of like butt buddies."
Either Shannon doesn't fully understand the use of the term "butt buddies" or he openly told reporters that Graig Cooper and Javarris James fuck each other in the ass.

Huge props to overly sexy reader John Boyle for the find. John is the University of Washington beat writer for The Everett (Wash.) Herald. You can find some of his soon-to-be Pulitzer work

Oh, and EDSBS
beat us to this earlier in the week.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

An interview with Frank Deford

We recently finished sportswriter Frank Deford's latest novel, The Entitled. We reviewed the book and thoroughly enjoyed it. Since we're in the business of asking questions, we thought this would be an ideal time to score an interview with Deford himself.

Deford is arguably the best sportswriter of all time. He's a six-time National Sportswriter of the Year, Senior Contributing Editor at Sports Illustrated, a regular on NPR's Morning Edition and a correspondent on
Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. His words speak wisdom....

1. Go back to when you were writing The Entitled. Take us through a typical day of writing, if such a thing exists.

I think when you're writing any novel, so much of the writing work involves thinking about the story before you sit down to write. Something might occur to me as I'm lying in bed at night or in the bathtub or driving in the car. You never fully get away from the book. So when you physically sit down to type you may already have something of a head-start in your mind. That said, I would usually work in the morning, after breakfast, and go for as long as things were moving -- usually three or four hours. You get lost in a novel, become quite friendly with your characters.

2. Early in the book, you mention how the protagonist, Indians coach Howie Traveler, would give beat writers two quotes before the game: one to be inserted if the team won, one if they lost. Are coaches really that considerate or was this just wishful thinking?

Most managers probably wouldn't do this. One I know did -- so it was based on fact.

3. Are the characters based on actual people? A combination of certain ballplayers? Which ones? Was the plot inspired by actual events?

The characters are cumulatively based on people I've known, then overlaid with my own original characteristics. I don't think it would be any fun just to take a real person and make him a character. What's the art in that?

4. Why the Cleveland Indians? And why a picture of Sammy Sosa on the cover?

The Indians were actually my third choice, and it's pretty ironic how I got there. I needed a loser of a team to be more realistic. An untried guy like Howie wasn't going to get a shot at the Yankees. So, in 2004 when I was first conjuring up the novel, I picked (naturally) the Red Sox. And, of course, they then go out and win. So, when I actually wrote the bulk of the book in '05 I changed to another loser. You guessed it: the White Sox. Suddenly, I'm Nostradamus without meaning to be. Then I had to go through the whole manuscript and change it to another loser. I picked the Indians. As I have assured the good people in Cleveland, when I visited there on book tour, they are guaranteed to win the World Series this October. I can be very big in Cleveland.

The cover is picked by the publisher strictly for reasons of marketing. This is just a generic shot with good design for a jacket. I didn't even know who the player was until somebody pointed it out to me.

5. Please describe some of the glaring differences between being a sportswriter and novelist?

The greatest difference between writing fiction and non-fiction is that the writing matters so much more in fiction. It's your story. You may do some background reporting, but it's you alone. In non-fiction, the reporting counts as much as the writing -- often more. Fiction is more gratifying. It's all you, sink or swim by yourself.

6. Say you went to speak to some J-school students. With the state of print journalism (especially newspapers), whaddya tell them? Advise them to head towards the online game? Magazines? Blogs?

Given the flux in the whole journalism industry, I'd be presumptuous to advise any young student quite what to do. It's too fluid right now. All I could safely say is that if you have talent, you will succeed, but in what venue I have no idea. You got to be quick on your feet now and be instinctive in choosing the right journalistic path for you. And then it will probably require a switch somewhere down the road.

7. What do you think of sports blogs? Will they ever compete with mainstream media? Are they refreshing after glazing over a dry AP story? Read any?

I don't read any particular blog on a regular basis. I do read some newspaper columns on-line. Blogs are opinion. The AP is providing you news. It's not fair to compare the two. I'm also very dubious about how accurate the facts are in blogs, which gives me pause. As for the future, I believe newspapers will become more mediums of opinion, that we'll get breaking news on-line (and from radio/TV of course) and then newspapers will provide more context. But it's an evolving process.

8. Are there any athletes you've gotten close to over the years -- sorta like a Mickey Huey situation? Any players or coaches you've had beef with?

When I was younger, which is to say, closer to the age of the athletes I covered, I grew very friendly with many of them. When we run across each other now, we greet each other more as, say, old fraternity brothers than as writer-subject. I believe, though, that writers and athletes were inclined more to be good friends in years back. It's more of an adversarial relationship now, which is too bad.

Sure, I had beefs with a few athletes. Nobody ever took a swing at me, though. Wilt Chamberlain once kicked me out of a locker room (not literally, of course), but Wilt and I became close after he finished playing. So, you never know.

9. You're stuck on a deserted Island with three public figures (athletes, celebrities, politicians). Who are they. Why?

I'd want three people long dead. Jesus, for sure. And one great American. Probably George Washington, but Ben Franklin would probably be more fun. Then Shakespeare. If you gave me a fourth, I'd like it to be a woman. Maybe Mary Magdalene could answer the same questions as Jesus. Joan of Arc. Cleopatra. Or maybe just a great, clever femme fatale like Agnes Sorel. Benjamin Franklin and me could both flirt with her and see who she liked best.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Big Picture Categories: marijuana names

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

This week's category is names for marijuana.
We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. When some one fucks up, pound a beer. Or take a shot from your hidden stash of Beam in the top drawer of your desk.

We'll keep it simple: weed.

Your turn...

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Thoughts on #756

The wait is over.

The post-home run ceremony was tasteful, we think, especially the Hank Aaron video-message tribute. It was a nice touch.

We aren't feeling anything, good or bad. Our reaction wasn't one of excitement or disapproval, joy or anger. We didn't cheer or boo. It was a feeling best expressed by a favorite quote: "So that happened."

Some fan -- not even a Giants fan -- just won the lottery.

And Mike Bacsik is the answer to a trivia question.

Erin Andrews is like so hot

Erin Andrews really is the foundation of this site. We like to think that it's witty writing, good pictures and some neat interviews. But who the fuck are we kidding? Erin Andrews is the straw that stirs the drinks.

And no matter what NFL Adam thinks, she's a 10. Waaay hot.
So what better than a collection of hot pictures of Erin? Barstool Sports -- brilliant devils -- did the work for all of us and put together a post with a lot of pictures of Erin giving us (not you, asshole. Us.) bedroom eyes.

Check out the link and then go relieve some stress in the bathroom in Accounting. Don't fucking dare do it in the john in your department. That could get, ugh, messy.

And that picture is one of our favs of Erin. You can practically read her lips: "You and me. Right now."

Jermaine O'Neal is pretty much done with Indiana

About the only thing we appreciate more than athletes mouthing off is the reporters who listen to them. They are performing a necessary service and we thank them profusely.

Our fun today comes courtesy of Pacers forward Jermaine O’Neal. Seems he wants out of Indiana and in with the Lakers.

It’s time for me to move on. And the Lakers are the team I want Indiana to trade me to… I can’t be in a rebuilding mode right now. I’m at a point in my career where I can’t wait another five years to contend. I’m not in a position physically to take in five years of losses and downtime.

Hard to argue with O’Neal on the “five years of losses” thing; Trading for Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy can do that to a team.

A trade might not be so easy, though.

Larry Bird is a hard man to deal with,” O’Neal said. “He tries to make unfair trades. He wants to gut a team, but the Lakers are trying to get over the hump. I want Indiana to benefit, but with some nice young players and draft picks. I want to make it clear that I don’t want to gut a team that I come to because then it’ll be like I’m in Indiana all over again.

We fully expect to see O’Neal in a Celtics jersey next season.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Monday, August 06, 2007

Paris Hilton is talking to NASCAR drivers. And spreading the herp.

From the New York Daily News, via Ben Maller, comes tragic news that Paris Hilton is anorexic. No. That was last week. Actually it was that she has SARS. Fuck! That was two weeks ago.

Here's what supposedly happened:
Driver Kasey Kahne was out at Les Duex in Hollywood Wednesday night when he bumped into the ubiquitous celebutant. "The two of them chatted for a while, and before they parted ways for the night, she leaned in and whispered ‘God, you're cute' and kissed him!" says our source.
Our source -- fucking 100 times more reliable than the Daily News' -- told us that Kahne responded to Paris' whisper and said to her, "Can you get syphilis from oral? No?! Right on!"

It's unclear if Hilton and Kahne will get married, but our money is on a shotgun wedding in the next few days. Perhaps from a Planned Parenthood clinic.

NFL players are not tipping their barbers enough

From comes these vicious pictures of two NFLers who either a.) lost a bet; b.) caught their hairdresser right after happy hour; or c.) started dating blind chicks.

Anyway, here's Lions linebacker Ernie Sims, whose hair is taken to new heights.

And Cowboys lineman Doug Free who missed a spot.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Hey, that's not how it ended

Seen the new NCAA '08 ads? You should. Pretty, pretty, prettaaay good.

You can see all of them here, but our favorite is below.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Give the Dodgers an A+ for timing

Sometimes the marketing/promotions department for Major League Baseball teams just doesn’t get the credit it deserves.

The Giants find themselves in Los Angeles tonight with Barry Bonds on the brink of breaking some sort of record. And, would you believe it, there’s a steroids awareness clinic taking place on the field before the game!

About 100 kids from area Little League teams are expected for a two-hour steroid awareness clinic to be held on the field during the afternoon. Dodger outfielder Juan Pierre, hitting coach Bill Mueller and former Dodger Lou Johnson are to participate in the clinic.

We can’t think of a better spokesman for steroids than Pierre. You know, with his 12 career home runs and all. He should have no problem filling the two hours allotted to the event.

It’s unclear whether Bonds will participate, but the kids will receive a Dodger goodie bag!

Did we mention the Giants are playing in Los Angeles tonight? Wait, Bonds plays for the Giants! He’s about to break the most cherished record in all of sports! He allegedly took steroids!

Those Dodger marketing folks: smart people they are.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

RIP Bill Walsh

We grew up in the Bay Area when the Niners were in their prime. When Bill Walsh was implementing the best offense of all time. When Super Bowls became an expectation.

We're not good with obituaries, so we'll provide you with an email exchange with a close friend and diehard 49er fan.
let's all pour one out for the greatest coach of all time. in any sport. it's not really even possible to do what he did in any other sport. you can't invent an offense in baseball. even in basketball, if you invent an offense nobody in their right mind will actually be able to tell the difference. there's no equivalent to the west coast offense. and it's not just that he invented it, it's that it dominated football for damn near 20 years. g. he was a pure g.

i need to shit. it's going to be a bad shit. a hot one. messy. i have a day off from work today. too bad. i could have annihilated my work toilet.
Goodbye, Bill. You will not be forgotten.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to by Tuesday night.

That's Carmella Decesare on the cover of a PG-13 magazine, evidently post boob job. You may know her as the 2004 Playmate of the Year or as Jeff Garcia's front for being gay. We can't believe that Garcia can go 10-25 with three INTs and go home to that. Sums up pretty much all that's wrong with this world.

Finished up Weeds Season 2 the other day. Certainly not as good as the first season, but Kevin Nealon could say just about anything and we'd crack up.

Hey, it's August! If that's not a legitimate reason to take a trip to the Adult Video Store, we don't know what is.

1.) Blog Show 17 is out, now with less Big Picture mentions. (The show's great though!) At this point, Mottram and Steinz could say, "The Big Picture is a terrible fucking blog and we hate it and Zach's a cocksmoker," and as long as we get a shout out, we'd be content.

2.) Stupid Sideline Reporters with a touching story of the Iraqi soccer team winning the Asian Cup. We wouldn't mind being touched by a fine Iraqi woman.

3.) The Pig Pen with the nice story of those SMU Mustangs who did some cheating.

4.) Stiles Points continues a good preview of the upcoming college football season with a look at the LSU Tigers. Geaux Tigers!

5.) Even ESPN thinks the new redesign is weak. Flyers Fieldhouse reports.

6.) The reign of Roger Goodell continues, says Signal to Noise. The Denver Broncos o-line no longer has the right to remain silent.

7.) See ya, Scott Proctor. Just Call me Juice is, ugh, juiced.