Thursday, July 13, 2006

Devil Rays Trade Huff for Juice Box

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, eager to purge their roster of all major-league caliber players, traded the versatile Aubrey Huff on Wednesday to the Houston Astros for one of Roger Clemens' socks and a 6.75 fl oz box of Minute Maid Orange Juice. Further details have not been confirmed, but a reliable Big Picture source indicates that the straw glued to the back of the juice box was intact.

Largely due to deals such as this, the Devil Rays have never had a winning season in their eight years in the league, and are headed to a ninth losing campaign. The Arizona Diamondbacks meanwhile, who also entered the league in 1998, have 3 division championships and the 2001 World Series title.

"We like to look forward, and build toward the future," said Gerry Hunsicker, senior vice president of baseball operations for the Devil Rays. "Heck, we already got rid of Joey Gathright, Fernando Cortez, Mark Hendrickson, and Toby Hall. It was only a matter of time." Hunsicker continued his nonsense press conference, saying "Aubrey was just starting to heat up. We couldn't wait until he was on fire to trade him, we might have received too much talent back in return."

Baseball experts aren't sure if the Devil Rays are total idiots or just modeling their franchise after the Cleveland Indians in Major League. What nobody is arguing about however, is the fact that these recent trades will allow the Rays to become one of the most thuggish teams in baseball, with the impending call-ups of super prospects Delmon Young, BJ Upton, and Elijah Dukes.

In an interesting twist, Tropicana, the company that owns the naming rights to Tampa's stadium, has issued a statement condemning the deal. "We don't understand why the Devil Rays would make such a trade," said a Tropicana Spokesperson, "we would be happy to provide all the orange juice they would like, free of charge. If they prefer Minute Maid products, maybe they shouldn't have sold us the rights to name the park."

In related news, reports from the Tampa area are that Carl Crawford and Jorge Cantu have recently put their homes on the market.

-Jameson Costello

Jameson usually goes by Jamie, but just decided that he prefers the real thing for a pen name.


SAMO said...

Was the juice box Mott's? Cause Mott's Apple Juice tastes really good so maybe the deal was worth it, if it was Mott's.

wjackalope said...

as it says in the post, it was a "6.75 fl oz box of Minute Maid Orange Juice."

Anonymous said...

I guess you thought the team should get something like Dontrelle Willis for a free agent-to-be that is making $7 mill a year and hitting .240 with 9 home runs? Glad you arent GM for the Rays...or this the former Rays GM Chuck LaMar? that explains it.

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It sounds quite weird to exchange that kind of things. As expected for players.

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