Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Lorenzo Mata is probably wishing he was in the NBA already

Good news, NBA players! If you’re single, have a “huge ego” and happen to have read the classifieds of the most recent Sports Weekly, surely you know you’re being “sought by beautiful woman, 41.”

We can’t imagine a more successful way to court an NBA star. Because, you know, NBAers check out the personals in Sports Weekly pretty regularly.

Oh, sorry for teasing you this long. telitsyn@shaw.ca

Comment starter: Which huge-ego NBAer hits this first?

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Monday, July 30, 2007

SaberCats champs! Destroyers fucking destroyed

To the right is a picture of the current scene in San Jose, Calif. after the San Jose SaberCats brought home the title for the third time in six years. They torched the Columbus Destroyers 55-33 in ArenaBowl XXI in the Big Easy.

If you look real close, you can see us doing some looting and throwing a Molotov cocktail in the direction of a gas station.


Man, winning is fucking amazing. Think of the feeling you get after having a threesome with two married chicks. Then multiply it by 10, add 26 and then a happy ending on top. That's the feeling.

We haven't been this excited about something since Saturday. Talk about a way to spice up a Monday morning.

It's a good thing we don't live all that close to San Jose. After lighting that shit up, it might not be there by this afternoon.

Oh, and Mark Grieb went 24-29 for 218 and four TDs. Some other players did other things.

Hot chick wins something, somewhere...

...And that's apparently a big deal. Because now people will completely forget that Natalie Gulbis is a babe and recognize her strictly for her golf skills.

So goes the first two sentences in this AP story:
Natalie Gulbis finally can be known for winning, too.

Famous mostly for her looks through five-plus seasons on tour, Gulbis broke through Sunday, winning her first LPGA Tour title blah blah blah.

We choose not to acknowledge golf and to especially acknowledge hot chicks. So here's to Natalie Gulbis being nothing more than a hot chick who handles a nine-iron. Sha-wing.

And here are some more pictures of Gulbis to erase any thought of golf from your mind.

(The stuff you could give two shits about: Gulbis won her first LPGA Tour title at the Evian Masters, beating some un-hot broad on the first hole of a playoff. Gulbis had a final round 70. Afterwards she may or may not have masturbated).

Friday, July 27, 2007

This is Jerame Tuman. Wait, no it's not!

The name Brian R. Jackson probably doesn’t sound too familiar to you; there’s no real reason it should.

But maybe Jerame Tuman registers. Or Ben Roethlisberger.

The latter two are both Steelers. Jackson, well, he’s just a guy from Pittsburgh who happens to sort of look like both players. So much so, it turns out, that he was able to convince a woman to loan him $3,200 while impersonating Tuman.
The woman told authorities a mutual friend introduced her to the man who said he was Tuman, and Jackson then convinced her to loan him the money over the course of a couple months in early 2006. Jackson was arrested after the woman sent a letter to Tuman through Steelers headquarters, asking for the money back, and Tuman turned the letter over to the head of Steelers security.
Jackson was also charged back in 2005 for impersonating Roethlisberger. He didn’t want money then, just to “meet and date women.”

We credit the guy for trying. We’re told we look like “Ross” from “Friends” quite often and nearly scored with a girl the other night by telling her she looked like “Rachel.”

As you might expect, this kind of behavior is frowned upon in the legal system, and Jackson’s going to the clink for a few months where he'll do his best Michael Vick impersonation.

Sports are just plain fun sometimes, aren’t they?

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Thursday, July 26, 2007

We can answer questions too

Our pal Jon from Pyle of List runs a great series called A Guide to Recognizing Your Bloggers, where he does some fun Q&As with the guys who run blogs.

It was our turn today and the interview is up. Go stop by, see what we have to say and leave a comment.

If you don't, you'll never get pussy again.

Bonds guessing game

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to zachls5@gmail.com by Tuesday night.

Jennifer Walcott might just be the hottest chick on Earth. HOLY SHIT!!! What we'd give for five minutes with her in a dark closet. Adam Archuleta is a.) really lucky and b.) can go fuck himself. Yes we get jealous. It's natural, right?

We have a week off from work which is pretty cool and neat. We just got back from the mountains and plan to further our ass groove which hasn't gotten enough action this summer.

Juiced for the Simpson's Movie? Seems about five years overdue, but still, we'll see it. We just got Premonition on Netflix. Skip it. The plot has more holes than Swiss cheese and Sandra Bullock is about an eighth as fuckable as she is in Speed.

1.) What's better than one Mottram? Two Mottrams and some Indonesian prostitutes! The brothers have combined and the new site looks great.

2.) The Pig Pen has a picture of Darren McFadden's new tattoo, which, unfortunately, does not say, "I Heart Bloggers."

3.) Stiles Points, gearing up for college football season, has an outsider tell about the Washington Huskies. Word has it the guest author is strikingly handsome and hung like Barbaro.

4.)Epic Carnival has a list of the hottest MLB concession workers. Lunch Lady Doris anyone?

5.) A serious question that could really get some good debate: are African Americans better athletes? Pyle of List analyzes.

6.) From 100% Injury Rate, via Larry Brown Sports, a headline that would probably now get an editor fired.

7.) Winning the Turnover Battle has analysis of the San Jose Sharks' new, attemped bad ass logo.

8.) In California, you can no longer turn Kangaroos into items in your wardrobe. The Beautiful Game laments.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Bonds' former mistress likes talking and being naked

We find it perfectly reasonable that Barry Bonds’ ex mistress is willing to talk to the public about her relationship with the soon-to-be home run king; she did testify in front of a grand jury after all.

And hey, who better to talk to than Playboy! While naked!

The Playboy article, accompanied by a nude pictorial of Kimberly Bell, is scheduled to hit newsstands Oct. 1. The 37-year-old Bell said the article will cover details of her relationship with Bonds that she told a grand jury investigating the perjury allegations in 2005.
We’re happy to report that the photo shoot was “one of the most liberating experiences” of her life. Removing your clothing has that effect, we’re told.

Oh, and for the record, when we venture a peek at Playboy we don’t read the articles. Like ever.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Bonds should break record on the road

Barry Bonds has come out and said that he'd like to break this HR record at home, in front of a loyal SF crowd which likes home runs and prefers to sweep steroids, Balco and shrunk testicles under the proverbial rug.

And while it would be nice for Barry to hear the roar of the home crowd when 756 is launched, things aren't looking so sunshiny. The Giants have six games left of a seven-game homestand, and Barry jacking three in six games is tough -- even the way Barry has been known to smack them -- and isn't that likely.

And after the ATL and Florida visit AT&T, the Giants play 15 of 21 on the road, which is good for us. As general baseball fans, we want to see Barry hit his record shot in an opposing ball park.

Why? Well, what the hell's the reaction gonna be like? Do people boo? Do they stand, but don't clap? Applaud?

The home run record is the most hallowed record in all of sports, so to see it change hands in our lifetime is something special. To see what will likely be a controversial reaction if it's done away from SF would make it that much more special.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Yankees are scoring runs

Hi, motherfuckers. It's me again. Have you checked the boxscores lately? You should. That's if you can count high enough.

Can you count to 25? Bet you can't, motherfucker. That's how many hits we smacked off the Devil Rays yesterday. And we had 20 hits the day before. I coulda put Helen Keller in there and she woulda gone 4-5 with a jack and six RBIs.

Probably a good thing Keller's not on our team. Otherwise Jeter would go off being all Captain Pussyman and try to get his knob slobbed.

It's also a good thing Alex is hitting because otherwise I'd stick a bat up his ass. Should see that guy's ego. Fucking bigger than my johnson. He demands we call him A-big-Rod. Narcissistic fuck. But he hits home runs. I like that in a man.

So people were saying the playoffs were out of reach. Well I say fuck that, motherfucker. We're five over, only seven and a half out of first, still in the Wild Card hunt. You know what "hunt" sorta sounds like? No. Not that. You sick fuck. It's sounds like bunt, something we haven't been having to do much of lately. We just hit homers and doubles and fucking more homers. Barry Bonds should be looking over his shoulder because Shelley Duncan's coming for him.

Speaking of Shelley, I like that he's been hitting home runs, because if he wasn't, I'd probably have Matsui take a fucking Samurai sword to his johnson. What kind of name is Shelley? Grow a pair of tits and I'll call you Shelley, motherfucker. Until then, I'm calling your ass Joe. Cuz that's a fucking man's name. Guy's named Joe hit home runs.

This hit parade the last few days was all my doing. Four rings can do that. I tell 'em to go hit the fuck out of the ball and they fucking listen because I have four fucking rings, motherfucker.

We'll be in this thing by the end. We're hotter than Damon's last piece of ass. When this thing's said and done, each finger on my right hand will be covered in jewelry. Oh, you think I'm arrogant? I'm confident, motherfucker. And confidence wins ball games. So does 25 hits. Motherfucker.

Friday, July 20, 2007

In-person: the Home Run Derby

A wee bit late on this, but still, first-hand experience is sorta cool.

One of the very few perks about having Giants season tickets these days is that we had the strip to the All-Star game festivities. We sold the tickets to the actual All-Star game (covered nearly the cost of the season tickets!) and went to the Future's game last Sunday. We missed out on the Derby, but our bro and dad were there to soak it all in.

It was pretty much what we all expected: cool to be at the party, but the home-run hitting was pretty redundant. And no water shots. WTF?

We told our bro and dad to take pictures, pictures, pictures, and the ones here are three of many from the day.

McCovey Cove was packed like a bowl, the field looked great and Erin Andrews (bottom photo...it's like finding fucking Waldo) was there! Click each photo for a closer look.

We weren't really that upset about missing a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see grown men hit small balls awfully far, but it woulda been cool to be there and be part of the fun. And we would have liked to tell Erin that she's a fucking champion. She just doesn't know it yet.

Thursday, July 19, 2007


We know things have been sorta weak lately; things are a bit different for us in the summer. Our social life is at an all-time high and we're on multiple vacations and camping trips, making full-time blogging pretty tough. It's not the day-long stints at a computer we're normally used to.

Adam was a big G and stepped in nicely yesterday, but no time for a real post today with all sorts of shit keeping us from the Internets....

But spare time is approaching soon, starting with tomorrow. We promise to start sucking less ass.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Don't ask for vinegar at a Hagerstown Suns game

Next time you’re at a Hagerstown Suns game, you should probably just ask for ketchup on your fries, opposed to, say, vinegar.

We aren’t big on putting vinegar on our chips like some are (Brits, namely), but Stephen Parrotte and Brian L. Marquiss were intent on it April 24 of 2003 when they were attending a Suns game at Municipal Stadium -- a Class A affiliate of the Nationals.

Turns out the concession stand didn’t have vinegar, but was stock full of oven cleaner which they received on their fries instead.

The Hagerstown men claimed they suffered serious, permanent injuries to their mouths, throats and digestive tracts from ingesting sodium hydroxide that a Hagerstown Suns concessions worker poured from an unmarked plastic jug.

We’ve mistaken an “unmarked plastic jug” for vinegar on a number of occasions. It can happen to anyone at any time. You really should mark your plastic jugs; let this be a lesson to you.

The dousing was inadvertent, thankfully, but a lawsuit was filed nevertheless. And sure enough, the plaintiffs won! The ruling came down Monday, but terms of the settlement weren’t released.

We sort of hope a lifetime supply of vinegar-scented oven cleaner was part of the deal.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Getting a tooth stuck in your head is more common than you may think

Frankly, we’re a little disappointed rugby has yet to catch on in the states the way soccer has. (That is to say, we wish it existed here so we could very loosely follow it and give a collective sigh when our team moves to Houston. See: Earthquakes, San Jose.)

Our rugby days were short; numbered after a hard fall as a kid during summer camp one day. But we find it hard not to like a sport where brawny men wrap their arms around each other and rock back and forth (they call this a “scrum,” no?) only to be followed by spine-bending, bone-crushing hits.

And sometimes hits that leave a tooth in your head without you even knowing it.
Ben Czislowski was playing for Brisbane team Wynnum during the April 1 incident involving Tweed Heads forward Matt Austin. He had a head wound stitched up afterward, the Australian Associated Press reported Tuesday.

Czislowski later suffered an eye infection and complained of lethargy and shooting pains in his head.

Then last week, his doctor found a tooth embedded in Czislowski’s head.

Seems plausible, if you ask us. How Austin didn't notice a missing tooth raises some concern, but we can just write that off as rugby players being rugby players.

We have an inkling the tooth will be available on eBay shortly.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Book Review: Frank Deford's 'The Entitled'

We were sent legendary sportswriter Frank Deford's latest novel, "The Entitled," to review, and two and a half months later (we read at a third-grade level...not really true. It's more like a grad-school level. We're fucking great readers! Just awfully busy...), we're ready to go.

Good, good read. If you like sports, sex and some inside info on what it's like to live the life of a superstar, this book's for you. Buy your copy here.

What's the book about?
"The Entitled" is a tale of modern baseball that takes you deep inside America's game; inside a ball club and inside the mind of a defeated manager and a champion slugger. Deford's writing is authentic and emanates today's baseball.
"The Entitled" is right down our alley too. We like baseball, we like sex, we like swearing. This novel has it all.

One scene describes how the protagonist -- Cleveland Indians manager Howie Traveler -- finds it strange how he acknowledges his daughter's great tits.

There's also a part that has narration of how Traveler doesn't like to swear. Meanwhile, the paragraph is loaded with enough f-bombs to make this website read like a script from fucking Sesame Street.

The book's definitely worth a read. It's a fun summer book that will get you thinking baseball and perhaps wanting to jerk it to Traveler's daughter.

We're working on setting up an interview with Deford, so be on the lookout for that in the next few weeks. And while we're on the topic of good books, go buy our aunt's latest novel. If you don't, your penis is going to fall off.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The ArenaBowl is set!

It's finally here! Finally! After weeks (weeks? months?) of build-up, the big game is upon us. And our team is in it! Sabercats, bitch! They'll fucking kill your team and then kill them again. Mark Grieb is the Joe Montana of the Arena League and our receiver is cool too.

With ArenaBowl 21 (Roman numerals are for pussies) two weeks away in New Orleans, it's time for the media to start its orgy of coverage. And if it's anything like coverage fro the Super Bowl, we're in for a special treat -- in July, no less! The upcoming schedule looks something like this:

Today: A look at how both San Jose and Columbus got to the big game. And an in-depth look at how Arena Football differs from normal football.

Tuesday: An in-depth look at the contrasting styles the teams used to get to the big game. Columbus is a No. 6 seed and took the upset path, the Sabercats took no fucking prisoners.

Wednesday-Sunday: Analysis on Sabercats coach Darren Arbet being black and Destroyers coach Doug Kay being white.

Next Monday and Tuesday: Xs and...O shit, the Sabercats coach is black!

Next Wednesday: Predictions, position analysis, coaching edge. How the short field could be the factor.

Next Thursday: Human interest stories, focusing on how Coach Arbet's family is black.

Next Friday: New Orleans as the host city. Sites to see, parties to go to, food to eat. Jokes not to make.
Next Saturday: Celebrity predictions. Jimmy Kimmel likes San Jose in a rout!

Game day: Analyst predictions. Position by position breakdowns. Whose uniforms are cooler.

This is for you, poker fans

Play online poker? The non-strip poker kind? Well if you do, you can get a lot of your money back by signing up with our friends at Rake Rebate Review, a really cool rakeback site.

When you play poker online you pay a fee to the poker room for each hand you play. Many players pay several thousand dollars in rake each month. The good news is that you now can get up to 60% of your rake back.

Pick a poker room from below and click on it for instructions on setting up a rakeback account with that specific room. With an account in place, your rakeback money will be paid automatically to your poker account once a month.

Reading comprehension's never really been our thing, but this sounds like free money to us. And with free money, you could invest, save or donate. (Or buy hookers, drugs and drugs for the hookers).

So sign up with Rake Rebate Review. If you don't, the bad guys have won. You don't want that...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Beckhams are getting provocative

This isn't exactly something a sports blog should be picking up on, but a soccer player is in a magazine taking some spicy photos with his wife. We said he's a soccer player. And SI totally tipped us off about it, so that's justification right there.

Anyway, some magazine called W has pictures (and maybe an article) of the Beckhams...

...preparing for oral sex...

...preparing for backside sex...

...and looking for some cigarettes after sex.

From the SI.com article about the sultry photo shoot:
"I think people are really going to see me for the first time," Victoria Beckham tells the magazine. "I think they have this impression that I'm this miserable cow who doesn't smile. But I'm actually quite the opposite."
The opposite being one who's a freak-a-leak in bed! If you ever wondered what the Beckham's sex life was like, well, now ya know.

In other news: The Oklahoma Sooners were put on probation for "failure to monitor" the employment of the players and cannot acknowledge that 2005 ever existed.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to zachls5@gmail.com by Tuesday night.

Jessica Biel's never really done it for us. Don't get us wrong, she's hot, but we can think of plenty of girls who'd we rather get up on. But this picture is helping change our mind. Quickly. Look at that tongue! Holy fuck! We can think of a few things she could use that for.

We'll be back with some Would you do... action tomorrow. Ever camp in the rain? Kind of a bitch. Especially with 50 12-year olds whining. The lack of Internet porn was also a bitch.

These paragraphs sounds sorta like The Big Lead's "The Roundup"? It should. That's one of our favorite reads each morning.

1.) Pyle of List has an interview with KSK's Big Daddy Drew. Meanwhile, our Q&A with ESPN, SI and Yahoo! Sports is scheduled for next week.

2.) Deuce of Davenport with a report of the Redneck Games. Incest was not one of the events.

3.) That Coors commercial with Kobayashi, courtesy of SimonOnSports. Like he really drinks that piss. Sapporo all the way!

4.) Unitas or Manning? Coke or Pepsi? Strap up or raw dog? Stiles Points with the answers. (To the first question. The other two are obvious).

5.) Our boy Brian from One More Dying Quail is a father! Consider this link a baby shower gift.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

There are no sports today

Quick, Big Picture loyalists: There are two days every year that never have any major sporting events slated on the calendar. Name ‘em.

[Silence. Mumbling. More silence]

If you said today and Monday (the day before and the day after the MLB All-Star Game), TBP owes you a moderate-to-bad reach-around when he gets back tomorrow.*

Call bullshit on that, we dare you. And please, take either angle you like. Think there is a sporting event today? Think there is another day during the year without a sporting event? Let us have it in the comments.

Oh, and don’t even try the AAA All-Star Game or Tour de France. We’re not gonna buy that shit.

Whatcha got? Bring it mother fuckers.

*TBP is not contractually obligated to follow through with this. The reach-around might be good.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

All-Star game: you watchin'?

We can't remember the last time we saw the All-Star game. 1998 maybe.

Our job often has us on a camping trip that un-magical Tuesday in July. Maybe it's a good thing. The game's never done anything for us except leave us longing to end Joe Buck's life with a rubber band.

For the first time, we had a chance to go the game. Though we won't be going. (See the first sentence of the above paragraph). Being Giants season ticket holders has a few perks. And by a few, we really mean All-Star tickets. And seeing Bonds crack No. 756 could be cool and historic and controversial and historic.

Our opinions are clear, but it don't mean shit. We're much more interested in what you think. Are you folks fans of the MLB All-Star game? Will you watch the whole thing? First three innings? Watch until you can't stand Buck and Tim McCarver anymore. So like two and a half minutes?

Let us know. In the comments.

Oh, and our dad and brother went to the Home Run thingy. We'll try to have a full report with lots of pictures later this week. Until then, go National League. Though we're really rooting for a brawl. Or a tie.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Alex Rios is in the Homerun Derby

[Looks at self in mirror]
I can do this.
[Lifts up sleeve to reveal bicep. Flexes.]
I can do this!!!

I know I'm not your typical home run hitter. They say chicks dig the long ball. Fuck that shit. Chicks dig gap hitters. Cuz they fuckin' dig me, all right. And I prefer singles and doubles to home runs and, ugh, home runs.

So what that I've hit 45 career homers? I'll hit 45 in the first round tonight. I can turn it off and on. Like a light switch. Really, I can do whatever I want. I'm that good. I'll probably hit 800 home runs by the time I'm done. Fuck it. I'll hit 800 tonight! That BP pitcher will get rocked harder than a White Sox starter in a double header.

OK. So I'm a little nervous. But just a little. I already know what the fans will say. "Vlad, Howard, Prince, Pujols, Alex Rios, Maggs... Wait, Alex Rios? Who the fuck is Alex Rios?"

But that's why I have to prove 'em all wrong. I have more than a chip on my shoulder. I have an entire fucking tree. And I like it that way.

I know that when I win, my name is gonna join the Luis Gonzalez', Garret Andersons and Bobby Abreaus as unlikely Derby winners. That's fine. I might be the underdog now, but when this thing's over tonight, all those other guys are gonna be my bitch.

[Raises bicep. Kisses it.]
I'm gonna do this!

Friday, July 06, 2007

Yi and the Bucks are not getting along

Hi. I'm Yi Jianlian.

Things I like: the color blue, subtle humor, taquitos, unscented lotion, books on tape, Alfred Hitchcock films, barbecued dog, Timex, Capitalism, loose-fitting jeans, big media markets, Aspirin, ESPN Classic, non-fiction.

Things I don't like: sand, aggressiveness, off-white, vampires, curry, too much makeup, Milwaukee, Tylenol, Imperialism, CNN, Care Bears, kids, loose-fitting women, Tom Clancy novels, novels, nose rings, satire.

Now that we're friends, let's talk about another thing I like: basketball.

You'd never know I'm a basketballer by looking at that photo of me. I'm wearing enough blue to be mistaken for a fucking Smurf. But I'm really tall. And I have gigantic feet. You know what they say about guys with big feet, right? Yeah. Elephant cock.

I probably should've included this in my, "Things I don't like:" Bucks GM Larry Harris. He's mean and I hate him. He said that Milwaukee isn't going to trade me. But I told him that I wanted to be traded. And I hate him.

I don't know what I'll do if I remain a Buck. Maybe I'll commit Seppuku with an ironing board. Oh, Seppuku's Japanese, you say? Well 我不喜欢你. You don't know what the means? Good. You don't want to. My words are filled with hate. Especially towards Milwaukee. I fucking hate Miller. It's piss beer. I'd love to drink some and then piss on Larry Harris.

I also like jigsaw puzzles. And nutmeg.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

If the RGX Body Spray Girl jumped off a bridge...

...we'd make sure to bang her first!

This commercial was on like all day yesterday, so if you were BBQing, parading or fireworking and missed it, here she is below.

Gotta say, the ad folks at Right Guard are doing a helluva job. Rachel Spector (we were disappointed too when we learned she had a real name) could tell us to smear shit all over ourselves and we'd do it complaint-free. So when she wants us to put on good smelling body spray, that's a no-brainer. (Truth: we don't fuck around with the body spray. OLD SPICE FOR LIFE, BITCHES!!!)

If the Right Guard team wants to go a step further in advancing their product, they should do a Willy Wonka-esque contest where 10 lucky buyers of RGX get to stick it in RGX Body Spray Girl's ass. We'd surely buy a few cans.

(And we just got a call from the HR people at Right Guard about or idea. We're talking money as we speak).

Blogger Reach-Arounds

"Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to zachls5@gmail.com by Tuesday night.

1.) Take a piss. Score a goal. SimonOnSports explains.

2.) Stupid Sideline Reporters ponders what Joe Buck would sound like calling a soccer game. We think the only way we'd ever listen to Buck if he'd call the games in Spanish.

3.) A solid interview with Deadspin comment dude, Rob Iracane at Pyle of List. And we're still eagerly waiting by the phone...

4.) Keep knives away from this clown. BlownCoverage on the trial of a troubled college punter.

5.) A week late, but nonetheless, Insomniac's Lounge with the most comprehensive draft coverage. Like ever.

6.) Some songs you'd rather not hear at a strip joint, courtesy of The Musings of GMoney.

The only Kobayashi we'll acknowledge

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Happy Fourth!

Go to a fucking parade or something. We'll see ya tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Getting blog traffic 101

A combination of things recently got us thinking about how to keep increasing our traffic. Those things, namely, are good posts at You Been Blinded and Five Tool Tool, our fucking link on SI.com (!!!!), and really trying to game on this new girl who we feel will bang us soberly if we get 10,000 hits a day. (Drunk banging at 7,500 a day).

The posts at You Been Blinded and Five Tool Tool were tips -- in list form -- about how to increase traffic, and since we make lists about as often as we ponder if we'd do male athletes, we'll use our new favorite "blockquote" button to credit the work of others.

YBB's list:
1. Good Material
2. Ass Kissing/Get Links
3. Be Social
4. Spread Love
5. Cheap Heat/Keywords/Window Shoppers/Current Events
FTT's list:
1. Ass Kissing
2. Current Events
3. Whore Yourself
4. Whore Others
5. Whore Strangers
6. Tech Fun
7. Cheap Heat
8. Keywords
9. Gambling
10. Lists!
Both are solid lists and good tips to get more traffic. We'd also add on that being a commenting slut -- n. one that drops off a comment at many blogs per day -- is really a good way to get your name out there.

Having regular features also helps, in our humble opinion. We think our Blogger Interviews and Would you do...? series are responsible for a lot of our traffic. (The Would you do...? also hits on No. 5 in the first list. For example, our Erin Andrews post gets a ton of hits whenever she's live on ESPN because hornballs are looking her up on the Net so they can rub one out. Our page comes up relatively high in a Google search for her.)

So, what do you folks think? Best ways to increase traffic? Non bloggers, why are you reading certain blogs but not others? Light up the comments section the way you would the secret bathroom at your office.

And, as always with intentionally unfunny posts, above is a spicy picture to prolong your morning wood.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Because boxing is a sport...

Happy Monday, motherfuckers! Here's a neat little video to get some action in your trousers. If you fast forward to the 3:22 mark, you'll see hot French maids boxing. If you don't skip to that spot, you'll see hot French maids doing various other things that are nothing short of awesome.

We're aware that the boxing segment only lasts about 30 seconds, thus making up approximately 1/13 of this clip. But The Big Picture is a sports website. Nothing else. Just sports. So we'll focus on boxing. That's it. And that's the only reason we chose to share with you this video. Because of the boxing. A sport. Boxing is a sport.

Yanks' Scott Proctor has a fiery personality

And let the fun headlines begin: "Proctor is fired up!" "Yankees reliever burns down house." "Proctor is fucking awesome and loves to burn shit!" "Proctor burns equipment, has E.D."

The 30-year old right-hander has been struggling and thought that setting fire to his personal belongings would, ya know, prevent him from hanging more breaking balls.

From The FanHouse:
The Yankees turned up the heat a notch when the game ended. Scott Proctor threw all of his equipment out of the dugout and onto the field. He then proceeded to light it on fire for a little post-game bonfire!
We once burned some ants. We were young. Stupid. Didn't appreciate the preciousness of life, whether human or, ugh, ant.

But burning inanimate objects is awesome. No other way about it. Next time Proctor's 3-2 pitch paints the outside corner and he doesn't get the call, we expect him to burn home plate. Or the umpire. But probably home plate.