Tuesday, March 31, 2009

People I Want to Kill: Kid Rock

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

I don't know if it's strictly the appearance of Kid Rock, if it's his disgusting music or if it's a combination of those things plus him banging hot chicks, but I think the world would function better, the sun shine brighter and the air be fresher if he would just go away.

His real name, Robert James Ritchie, was definitely crafted by two parents who were either farmers or carnies. Really, Kid Rock looks like he belongs operating a Ferris wheel on fairgrounds in rural Alabama.

But he decides to call himself Kid Rock, which he seems to drive home in this song where he screams, "MY NAME IS KID ROCK!"

But his name isn't Kid Rock, it's Robert (or Bob), and he's 38 years old. So he's a fucking liar, too.

Naturally, with people I want to kill, it's not the actual person who fucking gets me, it's the people who make him or her a star. Kid Rock, for example, flies a confederate flag, drinks pig's blood mixed with vodka, and masturbates to pictures of his sister. He also plays music that resembles the noises made by crying babies, lawnmowers and static on your television. But people have bought into this. Mr. Rock appeals to a certain type. Granted that type has the IQ of nutmeg, but he's clearly made it big enough for me to want to go all Natural Born Killers on him.

He also kinda looks like Sawyer from Lost but I wouldn't kill Sawyer from Lost because Lost is fucking awesome and Sawyer is fucking awesome and Kid Rock is busy fucking his cousin.

But then there are the women. He was briefly engaged to Pamela Anderson who we think had Hepatitis C, which isn't cool, but the blonde hair, red bathing suit and plastic tits are. We would certainly do things to Pamela Anderson. And Rock did those things to her. We're not sure if they're related (second cousins?), but we're trying to dig deeper and find the truth.

His clothing of choice is a trucker hat, his beer of choice is Piss Light and his word of choice is Bawitdaba." Fuck you, Kid Rock. You give music, trucker hats and hicks a bad name.

Preferred method of death: Wrath.

18 comments:

rstiles said...

I will say this, his gig sure got him a TON of pussy...

You forgot to mention Joe C, the midget who used to hang with him until he died a few years back...

Anonymous said...

I'm from Michigan and I think his gimmick has grown old...his music was never really any good.

JMC said...

kid rock is pretty much the definition of a douche bag

GMoney said...

He sucks at everything but I do give him credit for one thing...you have to respect a man that drinks Stroh's. It's fire-brewed!

Bazooka Jones said...

He is the real-life Joe Dirt.

What I hate about him is that he used to do pop/rock and call it rap. Then after two albums of that, he did the same music and started calling it country.

Anonymous said...

Jealous little people with there jealous little blogs crack me up. Grow up peeps. lol Bob Ritchie spends every Christmas with our troops in Iraq. His live show is the best in the world. And he laughs at idiots like you when he climbs into his private jet with his super model date. lol

Angel

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davidfincher said...

Hi I think gimmick has grown old his music is very good
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Anonymous said...

OMFG. This was hilarious. Thank You.

"But his name isn't Kid Rock, it's Robert (or Bob), and he's 38 years old. So he's a fucking liar, too."
= <3<3


I think if I took a shit in Kid Rocks Mouth and he regurgittated it back it would make better music than the no-talent trash he is sellin to retards.

I really did not know that anyone person alone could possess the douchebaggery to worsen the already existing ill-repute of trucker hats and hicks!

To Rstles, any pussy with hep C shouldn't exactly evoke awe in anyone, especially a Hep C infected twat thats been pounded so many times *even if some of the wee ones bangin that shit were kid cocks*
It certainly does not evoke any awe in me because I am a girl and I would not let this piece of shit anywhere near my genetalia lest it be infested with crabs from a long distance range. Plus I don't think I'm his type since I have more than half a brain and a pussy that hasn't undergone the stresses of streetwalking, drunken fisting and sex with horses.

As for the anonymous one who says this post was made out of jealousy, I beg to fucking differ. I ask you to take another look at that picture and ask how ugly would this poster have to be to be jealous of that carnie bastard.

If anyone needs to grow up its KID Rock, have you seen the little bitch fits he has thrown since his insecurity issues and low self esteem led to his break up w Pam?

I feel fucking sorry for the troops having to see that, I bet they wish they were back on the frontlines being shot at. And to think if that was the last thing they had to see before they did die?? NO ONE DESERVES THAT KIND OF TREATMENT.
I can only conclude that he must be a TERRORIST. Thats why he has that private jet so he can hi-jack it into a nuclear power plant... but come on, I know that "super model" (who is fucking retarded for being with him, if its not by force) isn't one of his virgins that he'll get for the Jihad.

Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU... You sure seem to know an awful lot about someone you dont like. I would fuck him in a heart beat.

Anonymous said...

FUCK YOU IS RIGHT! YOU COULD ONLY WISH YOU WERE AS HOT AND TALENTED AS KID ROCK. GO FUCK YOURSELF, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE GONNA GET LAID.

Anonymous said...

Maybe this is me talking nonsense, but it seems like Google isn't a company run strictly by the top and they seem to be doing quite well.

Anonymous said...

Anyone know how to do things like this?

Anonymous said...

Money is so intangible, its almost like a promise and a piece of paper.

Anonymous said...

keep quoting these dead white guys for a reason. We seem to be repeating some particularly nasty history, right now.

Anonymous said...

First girl to get sacked on Facebook!
'I had to tell the owner bout u losin that tenner coz obviously the till was down at the end of day. she wasn't very pleased at all and despite me trying to persuade her otherwise she said I have to let u go. I'm really sorry.'

Gotta love that grammar and spelling. Or should I say:

Gtta luv dat grammer nd splling :))

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