People I Want to Kill: Kid Rock

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

I don't know if it's strictly the appearance of Kid Rock, if it's his disgusting music or if it's a combination of those things plus him banging hot chicks, but I think the world would function better, the sun shine brighter and the air be fresher if he would just go away.

His real name, Robert James Ritchie, was definitely crafted by two parents who were either farmers or carnies. Really, Kid Rock looks like he belongs operating a Ferris wheel on fairgrounds in rural Alabama.

But he decides to call himself Kid Rock, which he seems to drive home in this song where he screams, "MY NAME IS KID ROCK!"

But his name isn't Kid Rock, it's Robert (or Bob), and he's 38 years old. So he's a fucking liar, too.

Naturally, with people I want to kill, it's not the actual person who fucking gets me, it's the people who make him or her a star. Kid Rock, for example, flies a confederate flag, drinks pig's blood mixed with vodka, and masturbates to pictures of his sister. He also plays music that resembles the noises made by crying babies, lawnmowers and static on your television. But people have bought into this. Mr. Rock appeals to a certain type. Granted that type has the IQ of nutmeg, but he's clearly made it big enough for me to want to go all Natural Born Killers on him.

He also kinda looks like Sawyer from Lost but I wouldn't kill Sawyer from Lost because Lost is fucking awesome and Sawyer is fucking awesome and Kid Rock is busy fucking his cousin.

But then there are the women. He was briefly engaged to Pamela Anderson who we think had Hepatitis C, which isn't cool, but the blonde hair, red bathing suit and plastic tits are. We would certainly do things to Pamela Anderson. And Rock did those things to her. We're not sure if they're related (second cousins?), but we're trying to dig deeper and find the truth.

His clothing of choice is a trucker hat, his beer of choice is Piss Light and his word of choice is Bawitdaba." Fuck you, Kid Rock. You give music, trucker hats and hicks a bad name.

Preferred method of death: Wrath.

People I Want to Kill: Paris Hilton

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

If there is one person on Earth that is dumber than a mentally retarded rock, it's Paris Hilton.

Really, Hilton acts like Barbie on meth. And she looks strung out, too. Paris Hilton is ugly as fuck. If you think otherwise, you're probably on some form of a hallucinogen. She's way too skinny, has a fucked up face and the body of a 12-year-old. On meth.

A police sketch of her might look like this:


Paris Hilton, much like pal Kim Kardashian, has the professional credentials of a piece of bubble gum. Yet, Daddy was rich and bought her fame. Now she struts around, swimming in money, and spending it all at fancy Beverly Hills boutiques while hopped up on uppers, downers and everything in between. Hilton claims she's a model, but unless she's modeling in one of those "Cigarettes will kill you and turn you into Paris Hilton" ads, she is horribly miscast.

Then there's The Simple Life. I have never seen The Simple Life. It's the show where Hilton and her friend Nicole Richie make believe that they aren't autistic. Ever seen The Ring? The Simple Life is kinda like The Ring. If you watch the show, you'll die in seven days.

On the bright side, Hilton is like an educational video. (And she's starred in one, too). When 9th-grade Health teachers are instructing about sexually transmitted diseases, they show pictures of Hilton.

Student: What's that on her lip?
Teacher: That's herpes, Tommy.
Student: Why is she holding her crotch so uncomfortably?
Teacher: Because she just urinated and it felt like she pissed fire.

Yeah, she's got everything imaginable. Like everything. She has STDs that haven't been discovered yet.

She claims that she's like the "it" blonde of this era, whatever the fuck that means. She idolizes Marilyn Monroe, Barbie and pet rocks, because, "They look so real," she says.

Go jump in a hole and try to dig out, you dumb bitch. Think about that one for a while.

Preferred method of death: Envy.

People I Want to Kill: Dr. Phil

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I would love to meet Dr. Phil and ask him why he's such a pretentious prick while punching his teeth through the back of his head. But I wouldn't be able to reach because he's on such a high horse.

Dr. Phil is Jerry Springer with a fucking Ph. D. He stirs up unnecessary drama, is a yelling-screaming hypocrite and will do anything for ratings.

Ever listen to him talk? He sounds like he swallowed a family of Texans.

I don't watch Dr. Phil. I've seen him on some talk shows and caught a few minutes of his show from time to time. I've tried to wash those few moments away with a bar of soap.

What a sleaze. He'd bring a struggling couple onto his show -- the hot girl is being neglected by the drug-slinging boyfriend. Oh no! -- and break up the relationship just to bang the girl in the dressing room.

And a hypocrite! He'll yell at that douchebag husband who hits his wife after drinking and gambling and womanizing, yet Phil was accused of physically abusing his first wife and also his staff!

Dr. Phil is a fucking hoax. He'd bring on a fat chick with her unappreciative husband who just cheated on her with her sister. Rather than try to rectify the marriage, he'd try to push his diet plan on her in order to help finish up his new industrial kitchen.

Then again, Dr. Phil, in the same scenario, might make the cheating husband sound like the second coming of Hitler. He, though, was once accused of banging a 19-year-old client. Naturally.

Dr. Phil is just as bad as the trash on his show. The difference? He has a doctorate.

Preferred method of death: Pride.

People I Want to Kill: Jett Travolta

The title of this post has two inaccuracies:

1. I don't actually want to kill Jett Travolta.
2. I'm a little late in the game.

Seems a little callous, yes? It is. I was going for shock value with the headline. And I'm in a rather surly mood today.

I have no problems with Jett, or John Travolta or anyone else connected to this tragedy for that matter. This is a very sad, unfortunate event that has caused much pain and suffering. Nothing funny about that.

Who I do want to kill with a nine-iron is the media which has paid this story an unnecessary amount of attention. During the week of the 16-year-old's death, this story was all over the papers, tabloids and talk shows. And it was treated as a major story.

And why would anyone think otherwise? This is probably the biggest story in the history of the world. It's not like the struggling economy, fighting in the Middle East and the transition of a new president is important news. Fuck that. The son of a celebrity died! The world has officially stopped!

How many 16-year-olds die a year? Maybe 5,000? Disease, car accidents, etc. Awful. Really fucking awful. But did you hear about the kid who was killed by a drunk driver in Omaha? How about the kid with terminal cancer in Atlanta? The victim of gang violence in Baltimore? NOT A FUCKING MENTION!

Maybe it was the cause of death and Jett's lengthy medical history that garnered the media attention.

Travolta, a notorious Scientologist, might have refused to believe that Jett was autistic, yet believed that aliens were building a Disneyland on Neptune. Celebrities at the funeral included Garth Brooks, Kirstie Alley, E.T., Alf and Spock.

Of course there was a slew of media and paparazzi trying to get photos and news about the funeral. Makes sense. I'm pretty sure it was the only funeral taking place that day.

But when John Travolta's kid dies prematurely, it's like we need a national day of mourning. Well, go fuck yourself for caring. And fuck the media for making you care. If you really want to feel sad, go visit a Children's Hospital or read some police reports. But stay the fuck away from TMZ and People.

People I Want to Kill: Queen Latifah

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

Queen Latifah isn't really a queen and she really is a fucking cunt. I hate her the way a man hates his wife.

She's loud, obnoxious and always tries to talk cool. I hate that shit. Don't fucking try to connect with me by speaking in hip hop. You're 38, bitch! Act your age.

Why the sudden death wish for Queen Bitch?

I was watching the People's Choice Awards.

DON'T FUCKING ASK! Somehow my girlfriend got away with this on the TV and there wasn't a blowjob involved. I am either stupider than Queen Latifah or I pissed off the girlie. Because few are stupider than Queen Latifah, I'll go with the latter.

Now don't get me started on the People's Choice Awards. My faith in people was already low, yet after seeing the results of the People's Choice Awards, I think that a country run by almonds, pistachios and walnuts would function better than ours.

Here were the nominees for Favorite Comedy Movie:

-"27 Dresses"
-"Get Smart"
-"Mamma Mia!"

If you want to watch three movies that will spark as much laughter as a funeral, watch those. Seriously, if you ever wanted a reason to throw a vacuum cleaner through your TV, turn on one of those three movies.

Yet, "27 Dresses" was your winner! Congrats! You've been recognized as a successful comedy by the dumbest fucking people on Earth.

Back to Latifah. That song UNITY was big like 20 years ago. And you somehow managed to turn that into a lucrative career. And you act? And host shows?! Is this a joke? That's easily more funny than "Get Smart." Did you see "Get Smart?" If there's a script that can make Steve Carell un-funny, that was it.

Wanna hear something else funny? Her Wikipedia page lists her as a rapper, singer, actress and model. MODEL? For what? Maternity clothes?

Preferred method of death: Gluttony. Duh.