Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Reardon: 'Ugueth made me do it'

Former relief pitcher Jeff Reardon was arrested yesterday for robbing a jewelry store in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla.

Reardon, 50 and bearded, starred with the Expos, Twins and Red Sox and retired sixth in career saves in 1994. Reardon takes medication for his depression, and some think the pills were the culprit for the crime. But The Big Picture has dug deeper to discover that the pills were just Tylenol Cold and Flu for his stuffy nose and that it was, in fact, current relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina who put Reardon up to the task.

"Ugueth made me do it." Reardon said, "I don't know why I listened to him, but if I didn't rob that store, I was afraid he was going to take me to his ranch in Venezuela and cut me with a machete."

Coincidentally, Urbina is serving time in jail for last month's attempted murder of employees of his family's ranch in, none other than, Venezuela. Urbina and a group of men wielded machetes and poured gasoline on the employees in an attempt to set them on fire (CBC Sports).

According to Reardon, Urbina used telepathy to communicate with Reardon from behind bars on another continent using Relief Pitcher ESP.

Asked why he stole $170 in cash from a jewelry store, Reardon said, "That's a great fucking question."

Urbina apparently failed to tip Reardon that jewelry stores contain jewelry which is often worth much more than $170. He also forgot mention that most people don't buy jewelry with cash, but rather with a credit card.

Urbina, asked to discuss his motives for using Reardon as his pawn to commit the theft, had no comment, but made a throat-slitting motion with the machete he uses to clip his toenails.

Reardon was released on a $5,000 bond and has asked Urbina to apologize for making him do it.

In other news: Turns out that Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn's mother is none other than Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.


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