Thursday, January 22, 2009

People I Want to Kill: Dr. Phil

This is a new feature. It's pretty self-explanatory. If you're in law enforcement, I don't really want to kill people. I would rather someone else do it for me. If you have suggestions or want to guest-write one, email me. If you see your name appear on this feature, hide.

I would love to meet Dr. Phil and ask him why he's such a pretentious prick while punching his teeth through the back of his head. But I wouldn't be able to reach because he's on such a high horse.

Dr. Phil is Jerry Springer with a fucking Ph. D. He stirs up unnecessary drama, is a yelling-screaming hypocrite and will do anything for ratings.

Ever listen to him talk? He sounds like he swallowed a family of Texans.

I don't watch Dr. Phil. I've seen him on some talk shows and caught a few minutes of his show from time to time. I've tried to wash those few moments away with a bar of soap.

What a sleaze. He'd bring a struggling couple onto his show -- the hot girl is being neglected by the drug-slinging boyfriend. Oh no! -- and break up the relationship just to bang the girl in the dressing room.

And a hypocrite! He'll yell at that douchebag husband who hits his wife after drinking and gambling and womanizing, yet Phil was accused of physically abusing his first wife and also his staff!

Dr. Phil is a fucking hoax. He'd bring on a fat chick with her unappreciative husband who just cheated on her with her sister. Rather than try to rectify the marriage, he'd try to push his diet plan on her in order to help finish up his new industrial kitchen.

Then again, Dr. Phil, in the same scenario, might make the cheating husband sound like the second coming of Hitler. He, though, was once accused of banging a 19-year-old client. Naturally.

Dr. Phil is just as bad as the trash on his show. The difference? He has a doctorate.

Preferred method of death: Pride.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my brother tesitfy....home run here. Dr. Phil is the most annoying talk show. He is such an arrogant prick.

rstiles said...

Dr. Phil can go fuck himself!

But I would do his wife in a second!!!!

Chris said...

Dr. Phil wins no points in my book, that being said; Zach could you really punch his teeth in?

I just have to be honest here, he's a big guy and has like 80lbs on you. Also I bet he's a scraper when it comes to a street fight.

Bokolis said...

This is a case of hating the playa and not the game. As I'm reading all this, it dawned on me that the main reason we can't stand this fat fuck is because it's a freddy fatfuck bald prick with a fucked up accent being high and mighty.

If it were someone cooler- like your local pimp or some shit- that was doing the shit mentioned in the post, it'd be the funniest shit ever.

JMC said...

yeah he sucks. His whole thing is about trying to fix people's relationships, but didn't his wife file for divorce?

GMoney said...

Wait a minute, do you want to kill the real Dr. Phil or Frank Caliendo's Dr. Phil. And if you could only kill one, which would you choose?

HM said...

The mention of Frank Caliendo makes for a good follow up "I want to kill" column. If Rich Little were dead, Caliendo would make him spin in his grave. How about Frank's "awesome" Charles Barkley (where he just says the word "turrible" 18 times in 3 minutes)?

I will be Dr. Phil and give Zach Dr. Phil-like advice -- "Zach, you can't really kill people, you know that, right? Why so much anger? You are acting like a boll weevil on top of an ant hill with jelly smeared on his ears..."

Dean Martin said...

I agree.

Prince Gomolvilas said...

"He'd bring on a fat chick with her unappreciative husband who just cheated on her with her sister. Rather than try to rectify the marriage, he'd try to push his diet plan on her in order to help finish up his new industrial kitchen."

...Ha ha ha ha ha! (And so true.)

The Big Picture said...

chris,

um, yeah, phil could probably wallop me. but i could kick his ass from my coach with laptop in hand!

hm,

that's good! but dr. phil would somehow play up my anger as a way to sell his anger management books.

Anonymous said...

I have this nagging suspicion Dr. Phil is a child molester.