Monday, January 26, 2009

An interview with Troy Polamalu

The week(s) leading up to the Super Bowl are among the worst of the year. Endless hype, bullshit storylines and no fucking football! We'll try to mitigate that for you.

The Big Picture:
Thanks for joining us, Troy.
Troy: Who are you?

TBP: Good, good. We're glad to be here, too. So this is your second Super Bowl. Is it easier to score weed in Tampa or Detroit?
Troy: I don't do that.
TBP: Is it Detroit? It's gotta be Detroit.

TBP: You're a famous football player.
Troy: Yes.
TBP: What's the most chicks you've been with at once?
Troy: I'm married.
TBP: So three?

TBP: We did some background research and discovered you like to grow flowers.
Troy: Yes.
TBP: How many times has James Farrior called you a fag?
Troy: He has never called me that.

TBP: Do you think Roethlisberger's going to have a three-way tonight?
Troy: Maybe.

TBP: You went to USC. Rey Maualuga currently goes there. Are you guys brothers?
Troy: No.
TBP: Are you sure?
Troy: Yes.

TBP: James Harrison was named the NFL's Defensive Player of the Year. Have you since farted on his pillow in attempt to give him pink eye?
Troy: No.

TBP: So what's the story with Hines Ward?
Troy: How do you mean?
TBP: You know, what's his deal? Does he smile when he takes a shit?
Troy: I've never seen him do that.
TBP: Smile?
Troy: No, the other thing.
TBP: Does he smile when he beats off?
Troy: I don't know.

Troy: Aren't you supposed to asking questions about me?
TBP: We'll get there...How fast is Santonio Holmes?
Troy: He's very fast.
TBP: Do you think he could outrun the police?
Troy: Maybe.

TBP: Troy seems like an uncommon name for someone of Samoan descent. Did you make up that name?
Troy: No.
TBP: Don't you think if it was spelled T-R-O-I people would believe you more?
Troy: No.

TBP: Ken Whisenhunt used to coach in Pittsburgh. Did he ever eyeball your wife?
Troy: I don't think so.

TBP: Which STD does Big Ben have?
Troy: He doesn't have one.
TBP: Are you sure?
Troy: Yes.
TBP: C'mon, pick one.
Troy: Syphilis.

TBP: So Mike Tomlin's an asshole, right?
Troy: No.
TBP: Really? He seems like he'd be an asshole.
Troy: He's not.

TBP: Did you know that 80 percent of Steelers fans can't read?
Troy: No.

TBP: We know a good barber. Will you take his number?
Troy: No.
TBP: Maybe just a trim?
Troy: I like my hair the way it is.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Troy. Best of luck Sunday.
Troy: Thank you.

(Read KSK's 10 Yards of Awkwardness).

1 comment:

GMoney said...

For the record, Santonio Holmes has proven that he can not outrun the police.