Thursday, January 29, 2009

An interview with Hines Ward's knee

The week(s) leading up to the Super Bowl are among the worst of the year. Endless hype, bullshit storylines and no fucking football! We'll try to mitigate that for you.

Hines Ward sat out Wednesday's practice nursing his injured right knee. We were able to catch up with his knee afterward. How it was able to talk is nothing short of a miracle.

The Big Picture:
Thanks for joining us, Hines Ward's knee.
Knee: No problem. It's great to be here.

TBP: You are attached to Hines Ward? Do you often face the similar questions about your ethnicity?
Knee: No. I'm just a knee.

TBP: How often do you smile?
Knee: Since I don't have a mouth, I've never smiled.

TBP: It must be hard to breathe with that brace on.
Knee: I can't breathe anyway.

TBP: Do you sometimes pretend you have an eye when you're in the locker-room shower?
Knee: Sometimes.
TBP: So you could be face to face with Willie's willy?
Knee: No.

TBP: When you get injected with cortisone, do you take it personally and lay in bed thinking how you could brutally murder the doctor?
Knee: No.

TBP: When Hines is on his knees doing...ya, do you, ugh, touch yourself?
Knee: That wouldn't be biologically possible.

TBP: When people talk about "knee-jerk" reactions, do you take offense?
Knee: Not really.

TBP: Many of the linemen have bad knees, too. Do you guys get high together?
Knee: No.
TBP: What about with Santonio Holmes?
Knee: Sometimes.

TBP: OK, a quick round of "would you rather..."
Knee: All right.

TBP: Would you rather tear your ACL or MCL.
Knee: ACL.

TBP: Would you rather share a hot tub with Jeff Reed or James Farrior?
Knee: Reed. Farrior might call me a fag.
TBP: Don't elaborate.
Knee: Sorry.

TBP: Has Farrior ever called you a fag?
Knee: No.

TBP: Has he called Reed that?
Knee: I don't know.

TBP: Would you rather watch Titanic or The Reader?
Knee: Oooh, ugh, do I need to answer?
TBP: No.

TBP: Would you rather do Kate Winslet the woman or Kate Winslet the man?
Knee: The woman, I guess.

TBP: Do you see the resemblance between Winslet and Philip Seymour Hoffman?
Knee: No.

TBP: Are you envious of Hines' healthy left knee?
Knee: It's a love-hate relationship.

TBP: We once saw a porno that had the slogan: "Bringing the Oval Office to its knees." Does that saying give knees a bad name?
Knee: Sort of.

TBP: Someone once joked that Joe Buck had Down syndrome. Do you agree?
Knee: That isn't very funny.

TBP: Pittsburgh is famous for nothing. But they have a restaurant with good-looking sandwiches. Have you ever had one?
Knee: Yes.
TBP: Are they AWESOME!

TBP: Do you think Dick LeBeau will die tomorrow?
Knee: No.

TBP: Do you find it ironic that you're attached to Hines and the Steelers play at Heinz field?
Knee: A little.

TBP: Have you seen the movie Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee?
Knee: No.

TBP: It's been fun. Get some rest and we'll see ya for the big game.
Knee: OK.

(Read KSK's 10 Yards of Awkwardness).


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JMC said...

YES! Public affairs! YES!

GMoney said...

I would have liked to hear his opinion on his owner's tendency to cheap shot people.

THN said...

Don't hurt yourself, Ward's knee! Or do, actually.

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