An interview with Celine Dion

The week(s) leading up to the Super Bowl are among the worst of the year. Endless hype, bullshit storylines and no fucking football! We'll try to mitigate that for you.

Today Celine Dion will bring her Taking Chances Tour to the St. Pete Times forum. No one is really sure why.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Celine.
Dion: It's a pleasure to be here.

TBP: You're Canadian.
Dion: Yes, I was born in Quebec.
TBP: Is that why you're so fucking weird?
Dion: No.

TBP: Your music has a polarizing effect in the States. How often do people tell you to fuck off?
Dion: No one has ever said that.

TBP: Was the day the Nordiques moved to Colorado the worst day of your life?
Dion: No.

TBP: What about the day someone told you to fuck off?
Dion: No one has ever said that.

TBP: You've sold more records than any other woman in the history of music. How did that happen?
Dion: I've been blessed with a talent that people are attracted...
TBP: No, really, how did that possibly happen?

TBP: You're song "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic won an Oscar. Is Leonardo DiCaprio gay?
Dion: No.
TBP: Does Kate Winslet do guys?
Dion: Um, yes, I think so.
TBP: So she's gay, too?

TBP: Who do you think is going to be the Super Bowl MVP?
Dion: I'm a big Kurt Warner fan.
TBP: Would you fuck him?
Dion: No.


TBP: In this picture you look really scary. When was the last time you ate?
Dion: Earlier this morning.

TBP: You're worth about $250 million having sold tons of records and having a successful show in Las Vegas.
Dion: I'm very fortunate, yes.
TBP: Don't you think that proves the theory that people are fucking stupid?
Dion: No.

TBP: You were in Vegas for five years. Did you ever try to climb the Luxor?
Dion: No.

TBP: You speak French. How often did you shower in the Bellagio fountain?
Dion: I never did that.

TBP: Are you envious of musicians who are more praised for their looks than talent?
Dion: No.
TBP: Really?
Dion: Yes.

TBP: What about Beyoncé? Would you do her?
Dion: No.

TBP: Mariah Carey is a tricky one.
Dion: Yes, her career has been up and down, but she's doing great.
TBP: Do you think her tits are real?
Dion: I don't know.

TBP: Let's talk football.
Dion: OK.
TBP: Did you ever nail a hockey player on a football field?
Dion: No.

TBP: Are you offended when people call you a filthy canuck?
Dion: No one has ever called me that.

TBP: You also won an Oscar for your work on Beauty and the Beast.
Dion: That was a great honor.
TBP: Have you seen that animated porn where Belle gets drilled by the candlestick?
Dion: No.

TBP: Did you watch that show Northern Exposure?
Dion: Yes.
TBP: Because it took place in Canada, right?
Dion: I think it was Alaska.
TBP: What's your point?

TBP: Did you know that male pornstar Peter North was Canadian?
Dion: No.

TBP: Have you ever fantasized about making love in a field of maple leaves?
Dion: No.

TBP: Santa Claus is apparently believed to be Canadian. Is that why you hate Jews?
Dion: I don't feel that way.

TBP: We've already stated that you have a lot of money.
Dion: I like to think of myself as fortunate.
TBP: Whatever. Have you thought about pulling that move from Face/Off so maybe you wouldn't be so ugly?
Dion: No.

TBP: Thanks for your time.
Dion: Alright.

(Read KSK's 10 Yards of Awkwardness).