Thursday, August 30, 2007

College Football is here! And so is the poon!


College ball kicks off today which is just about the coolest thing we've heard since a girlfriend of ours once asked, "Do you mind if I bring a friend?"

To get juiced for the season, we want to point you in the direction of the new site, wonderfully titled, SEC Poon.

Here's what it's all about:
Face it - your team will suck ass. Maybe not this season, maybe not even next. But eventually you’ll be stuck grinding through a brutal conference schedule, like a dead man walking. And during these days of despair, when all hope seems lost, The Poon shall be thy comfort. Because some days its not about the final score.
Yeah. And if any of you Southern Big Pic readers get some good tailgate photos of hot SEC poon, send those photos to secpoon@gmail.com. And CC us too.

Perverts.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to zachls5@gmail.com by Tuesday night.

College football starts today! Holy shit! Get your big foam finger, Bloody Mary and ass-groove ready for what should be a helluva season. Predictions and rankings aren't really our thing, but watch out for those Big East powerhouses to make a run at the National Championship. And Hawaii is totally our sleeper to make a BCS game.

Just got back from a two-day road trip where we might have drank all of the alcohol in the entire world. Nothing better than drinking with some homies on (in?) a river.

That's Amber. We're not sure that's her real name or not, and we're told that people often have last names. But here's some NSFWish pics of this "Amber." And don't even think about touching her...

1.) We're with our buddies over at Rumors and Rants: Lou Holtz is a fucking moron. And he probably has ED.

2.) The Money Shot tells us how the Tigers helped bury the career belonging to Mike Mussina.

3.) Our Book of Scrap finds more Madden stuff that will help destroy any shot of you getting laid.

4.) Stiles Points breaks down some of the big Week One college football games. We're not sure why Washington-Syracuse isn't on this short list.

5.) Flyers Fieldhouse has a fantastic list of the top 75 sports -- yeah, sports! -- of all time. While a great list, we think Flip Cup over Beer Pong is bullshit. You hear that Flyers Fieldhouse? Bullshit.

6.) If a blogger got his proverbial hands on Michael Vick, this is what the interview would sound like. Stupid Sideline Reporters, ugh, reports.

7.) Epic Carnival sits down with KSK's Unsilent Majority. Hey, we once talked to Unsilent...

8.) The Hater Nation should be your first stop for NFL previews. And satire. And cynicism.

9.) How hot chicks might be placed on a soccer field. The Beautiful Game provides your Thursday hard wood.

10.) Just Call Me Juice puts a smile on our faces: the shitty sports season is over!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Big Picture Categories: college football stadiums


King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

We had a good back-and-forth about college football rivalries a few weeks ago and today -- because we're so fucking juiced that CFB is starting! -- we'll talk about college football stadiums.

There are some good names of stadiums out there and you guys need to come up with those names without stumbling. And don't look them up. We'll fucking kill you if you do. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person who can't name one has to take a shot of bottom-shelf tequila. Without lime. Or salt. And take it off of a male coworker.

We'll start with a familiar site: Husky Stadium (University of Washington).

Spit off your stadium knowledge in the comments.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Pacman could take some notes from this guy

Fun story out of Nashville Sunday from Yahoo! via SI's wonderful Hot Clicks:
A man who authorities say used his computer to make fake $100 bills to buy lap dances at a strip club has pleaded guilty to counterfeiting charges, federal prosecutors said.

Strippers at Deja Vu in Nashville were suspicious of the bills and called police after Damon Armagost spent $600 of the fake money April 16, authorities said.
MLK. Ghandi. Mother Theresa. Those historical figures are no longer our heroes. Welcome, Damon Armagost to an elite club of Big Picture idols.

We find it funny that he was spending the money on strippers opposed to, say, food, booze, hookers, arms, butt plugs or bootlegged DVDs from the Far East, but anytime you can throw down the Benjamins at a strip club, well, you're a good man.

As for Pacman Jones, well, he has nothing to do with this story. Frankly, this story is not even sports-related. Hmm. We're having blog identity issues right about now. Well, there are some girls who look like they might play sports. There. Sports-related. Don't judge us.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Mark Cuban will continue to get his freak on

Here’s some mental imagery that might have you reaching for a mind eraser: Mark Cuban. Dancing.

Oh, wait.

Following in the illustrious footsteps of athletes Apolo Ohno, Clyde Drexler and Laila Ali, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban will become the next cast member of Dancing With the Stars, a source told SI.com.

Jennie Garth and Wayne Newton are also in this thing (awesome!), so, geez, Cuban could stick around for a while.

We pretty much do anything we can to avoid reality television, but, boy, this could actually be pretty fun.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Friday, August 24, 2007

This is the funniest thing we've seen in a long, long time


Happy Friday, from EDSBS via With Leather.

Have a wonderful, sex-filled weekend, you rotten scoundrels.

Mike Modano's wife = 0 Long Islands

That lovely lady to the right is Willa Ford. She's well-known for having blond hair, blue eyes, and what's likely a very knowledgeable tongue. She may or may not have been on a TV show or two. Probably not though.

Anyway, she's marrying Mike Modano who we think is the actor who starred in The Mighty Ducks. Or is he a singer? Ugh, soccer player?

Well, whatever it is that this Mike Modano does, he bangs Willa Ford. And, if he's anything like us, the banging would pretty much parallel every meal, which is -- give or take -- 10 times a day.

Yeah. This Modano fellow probably plows this broad 10 times a day. Whoa. Whoa.

And if masterbation's your thing, you can find some jerk-material from the link above.

Andy Reid can't control his kids

Just when you thought the roads were safe in the middle of the afternoon comes this disturbing tidbit:

Britt Reid, 22, of Villanova, failed a sobriety test in a store parking lot around 3:45 p.m. and was given a blood test, Assistant Police Chief Joseph Lawrence of Plymouth Township said.

Britt (ugh, girl's name?) also struck a shopping cart. Sick. Fuck. Day-drinking has been a hobby of ours for the last, oh, 23 years. It's pretty fun to get toe-up and then check your watch and realize your hangover's starting at 4 p.m. But you can't drive while day-drinking. Self control, man.

Andy Reid's kids in trouble with the law sounds familiar, no?

Reid is free on bail pending sentencing in the Jan. 30 road-rage case, in which police said he brandished a handgun at another driver. He pleaded guilty last week to gun and drug charges and faces a possible six to 14 months in jail.

Reid's 24-year-old brother, Garrett, faces at least three days in jail after pleading guilty last month to drug and traffic offenses. Garrett Reid admitted to using heroin the day he ran a red light in Plymouth Township and hit another car.

Andy Reid. Parent of the Year.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Spend your day...and night...and following day with ESPN

Good news, people! If you didn’t have plans for August 29th and 30th, now you do! And hey, you don’t even need to get off the couch.

ESPN's Twenty-Five Hours of College Football Presented by TiVo starts at 7 p.m. ET Aug. 29 and continues until the Tigers-Bulldogs kickoff 25 hours later.

Hard to think of a better way to get ready for College Football 2007, unless, of course, you only watched for, say, an hour and a half.

Luckily, Rece Davis will be your emcee for the evening, and, considering some of the folks on the family of networks these days – we’re talking to you Kirk Jimenez! -- the event seems to be in pretty good hands.

We can’t stay awake for 25 straight hours, so we’ll probably just tune in at 3 a.m. ET to watch the Hawaii team practice live. The Warriors moved their practice just for ESPN, so, really, it’s the least we can do.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Sul Ross State University must be pretty bad at football

Give a 59-year-old grandfather a D-III college football tryout, and, damn it, he’ll make the team.

That is, of course, if your name is Mike Flynt and you’re trying to win a spot on the Sul Ross State University roster.

Flynt played for the Lobos 37 years ago until he was kicked off the team right before his senior year for fighting. Turns out he still had eligibility, so he tried out and made the cut (though his position is yet to be determined). Now he’s a senior and just six years away from being a senior.

We’re pretty skeptical about the coach’s decision to give Flynt a spot on the roster. The guy’s 59 for crying out loud. He’s a card-carrying member of AARP. His dad was in the Battle of the Bulge.

This is either a great marketing move by the university, or the Lobos are gonna go winless this season.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

That's one way for the Rangers to take out their frustration during a shitty season

10-3 15-3 20-3 30-3.

Hang with Urban Meyer. It'll be fun! And really expensive!

If you happen to have $1 million lying around – and who doesn’t? – you can experience the pleasure that is hanging out with Urban Meyer.

In a prime example of creative fundraising, wealthy boosters can pay $1 million to share a meal in the home of Florida football coach Urban Meyer and spend the day with Meyer and his staff, complete with a session breaking down film. The Gainesville (Fla.) Sun reports this and other fundraising efforts will help a major renovation project at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

Watching film with Coach Meyer sounds more like work than pleasure to us, but we imagine this could be the thrill of a lifetime for a Gators fan. The day-after conversation could go something like this:

Donor: Honey, it was... [catches breath and collects thoughts] ... Urban Meyer! He was right there! And we watched film! On Ole Miss! And he was wearing sweats!

Donor's Wife: What did Mrs. Meyer make for dinner?

Donor: Meatloaf! Best I've ever had! It was coated with ketchup! Heinz ketchup! Not that Albertson's-brand shit you buy! And Urban Meyer was there! In his sweats!

Donor's Wife: Get out.

That, folks, is the most expensive piece of meatloaf a man may ever eat. But...Urban Meyer! In sweats!

-Adam Landres-Schnur

If Stanford wins the Pac-10 this year, some people are going to be very rich

We, admittedly, know very little about sports gambling – how to bet, where to find Tim Donaghy, etc.

But the college football odds against winning conference championships are out, and, would you know it, Stanford is a real long-shot to top the Pac-10.

That is assuming you call 1 billion:1 a long shot.

(Editor's Note: Odds are according to yesterday’s USA Today on page C11, which are done by http://www.dannysheridan.com/ – sorry, we couldn’t find a link to the online text box.)

We’re certain Jim Harbaugh is feeling pretty good about his Cardinal these days. Hey, they’re a pesky team. And they might be smart enough to rig the thing. *

We, for the aforementioned reasons, aren’t big sports gamblers, but with these odds, hell, we could throw down a few bucks.

*Probably not true.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Big Picture Categories: sex positions


King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Sports are just about the most important thing in the world. Family and friends might edge it out, but sports are awesome. And then there's sex. Perhaps the pinnacle of everything. Watch a good game or have sex? Have a great conversation with a close friend or have sex? Do we need to keep going?

So today's category will focus on the fun ways people do the nasty. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person who blows it shotguns a beer. At work. In front of your boss.

We'll keep it simple: missionary.

Get freaky in the comments...

Monday, August 20, 2007

Micah Owings is 'roiding...


...Or he just had a helluva game Saturday.
In his first game in his home state as a major-leaguer, Micah Owings had perhaps the game of his life, pitching seven innings and going 4 for 5 at the plate with two home runs and six RBIs as the Diamondbacks trounced the Atlanta Braves 12-6.
Going 4-5 with two jacks and six RBIs doesn't happen too much, so when it does happen and it's a pitcher doing it, well, people like us take note.

We think it's really cool. Oh shit. That's a great game. He surely had a threesome later that night.

But there are skeptics out there these days, and as our homeboy Josh at The Beautiful Game would say about Owings' colossal game, "he's juiced!"

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Meet Sophie Simone Cortina

The lady pictured goes by the pseudonym Sophie Simone Cortina, though her real name is Hot Sexy Babe.

Among her interests:

-Sports
-Exercise
-Bloggers*
-Being the little spoon
-Being the little spoon with sexy bloggers*
-Morning sex with sexy bloggers*
-Breakfast in bed after morning sex with sexy bloggers*

Cortina is in the news because, as our friends over at Awful Announcing point out, she's now a sideline reporter for ESPN. Her first assignment is the prelims of the Little League World Series, so we'll quickly figure out which players -- who, we remind you, wear tight pants -- have hit puberty and which haven't.

Cortina, who has both French and Spanish blood, would have given Erin Andrews a run for her money in the "Would you do..." Tournament, but she'll have to wait for her another time to have a catfight.

And we're curious, what would a hummer be like from a woman who speaks the Spanish tongue?

*Statement is undoubtedly true.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Best sporting day of the year


Holy shit! The summer can be soooo boring. Like nothing happened yesterday. We don't think. A new video game was like the big story. We found ourselves watching the Food Network, followed by some shit on Oxygen, followed by Sportscenter fucking Sponge Bob.

To revert to happier times, back when watching TV was fun, Hypothetical Wednesday will focus on the best sporting day of the year from the perspective of a TV-watching fan.

Some things to consider:

-multiple games on said day?
-big party event?
-are tits somehow involved?
-could you, theoretically, watch a sporting event from the time you wake up, until the time you go to sleep?

We long for a day full of sports viewing, so bring back that loving feeling in the comments.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to zachls5@gmail.com by Tuesday night.

Man, football has begun. Our fantasy draft isn't for a few weeks, but the research has already begun. Things don't seem as clear cut to as up top as last year. And maybe we should stay away from Vince Young.

Went to Reno, Nev. last weekend. Might be the armpit of the Western U.S. But $5 blackjack tables and free drinks are hard to turn down.

That's Gemma Atkinson. Say what you will about the British looking at some pics of this minx.

1.) Check out the football coverage over at The Hater Nation. While satirical, NFL Adam is a professional NFL writer who knows his shit. Funny and informative blogging at its best over at THN.

2.) Our Book of Scrap's hottest wife/girlfriend tourney is still going on. Go vote. And Jennifer Walcott better fucking win. She's a walking wet dream.

3.) Mondesi's House scores an interview with an ESPN radio host. No, it's not Colin Cowherd.

4.) Stupid Sideline Reporters with a preview of the Seattle Seahawks, that may or may not make a crack on Matt Hasselbeck's receding hair line.

5.) The Pig Pen ranks the American League uniforms.

6.) Could D.C. blogger Dan Steinberg and Padres infielder Kevin Kouzmanoff be related? Rumors and Rants investigates.

7.) Nyjer Please with a review of Madden '08. Sorry. We know people are hell of juiced about this, but we just can't get excited for an updated version of a game we already have. (We fucking kill at '07, by the way.)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Big Picture Categories: college football rivalries


King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Last week we went the whole contraband route and discussed names for herb. Since this is a sports site after all, we'll ditch the drug and sex talk today (it'll be back. Don't you sweat...) and talk about the actual games.

Today's category is the names of college football rivalry games. We're not looking for match ups (e.g. Auburn vs. Alabama) but rather the names of said rivalries. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to fuck up has to do a body shot off of Fat Bill in HR.

We'll go with our favorite name: the Backyard Brawl (West Virginia vs. Pitt).

Drinks are won and lost in the comments...

Monday, August 13, 2007

The Yankees are coming on strong

I recognize that smell, motherfucker. It's the smell of fear. And you all are living in fear. We're coming faster than a 15-year-old getting his first tugjob.

Eight of nine, motherfucker. Sweep the Tribe. We go from 14 and a half back to just four games behind the Sox. Don't even try to wipe this smile off my face, motherfucker.

They could just give me Manager of the Year right now. If they don't want to, that's fine. I don't need a trophy to validate how fucking awesome I am. I can get a hooker to do that. Or Jeter. Captain Pussyman would tell me my ass looks good in baseball pants if I asked him to. I wouldn't. That'd be fucked. But you get the point.

And don't think for a second I'm concerned about Seattle. C'mon, Richie Sexson? He might be the worst hitter to ever hold a bat. And Weaver?! Don't get me started. Getting rid of him was the best thing this franchise has done besides hiring me.

We might as well just call the season right now. I mean, they can finish out the season and all, but they should just hand over the World Series trophy now. My fingers are feeling a bit bare. It's either another ring or I'm going to go splurge on some blow. A man has needs, ya know? Buying myself gifts from time to time is completely normal.

Did we get sidetracked? We did. Sorry. Let's talk more about how my team is gonna make your team look like the fucking Pony League All-Stars. We're so strong right now, we might never lose again. Fuck it. We'll rip off 50 in a row. Think that might be a record. But records are meant to be broken, bitch.

Don't even bother looking over your shoulder. Give us a week, and you'll be looking straight ahead. Motherfucker.

Friday, August 10, 2007

The U is a team of 'butt buddies'

Randy Shannon is the new man leading the troubled Miami football program, and, after just a few months on the job, he's blogging gold.

From The Miami Herald's Eye on the U, comes this quote from the first-year head coach:
When asked about Graig Cooper in the spring, Shannon said: "I think Coop did a great job. He brought some excitement to the team. And he's a calm guy. He's not an arrogant or flamboyant guy." It was going well, then coach goofed. "Believe it or not, he and Javarris James are kind of like butt buddies."
Either Shannon doesn't fully understand the use of the term "butt buddies" or he openly told reporters that Graig Cooper and Javarris James fuck each other in the ass.

Huge props to overly sexy reader John Boyle for the find. John is the University of Washington beat writer for The Everett (Wash.) Herald. You can find some of his soon-to-be Pulitzer work
here.

Oh, and EDSBS
beat us to this earlier in the week.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

An interview with Frank Deford

We recently finished sportswriter Frank Deford's latest novel, The Entitled. We reviewed the book and thoroughly enjoyed it. Since we're in the business of asking questions, we thought this would be an ideal time to score an interview with Deford himself.

Deford is arguably the best sportswriter of all time. He's a six-time National Sportswriter of the Year, Senior Contributing Editor at Sports Illustrated, a regular on NPR's Morning Edition and a correspondent on
Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. His words speak wisdom....

1. Go back to when you were writing The Entitled. Take us through a typical day of writing, if such a thing exists.

I think when you're writing any novel, so much of the writing work involves thinking about the story before you sit down to write. Something might occur to me as I'm lying in bed at night or in the bathtub or driving in the car. You never fully get away from the book. So when you physically sit down to type you may already have something of a head-start in your mind. That said, I would usually work in the morning, after breakfast, and go for as long as things were moving -- usually three or four hours. You get lost in a novel, become quite friendly with your characters.

2. Early in the book, you mention how the protagonist, Indians coach Howie Traveler, would give beat writers two quotes before the game: one to be inserted if the team won, one if they lost. Are coaches really that considerate or was this just wishful thinking?

Most managers probably wouldn't do this. One I know did -- so it was based on fact.

3. Are the characters based on actual people? A combination of certain ballplayers? Which ones? Was the plot inspired by actual events?

The characters are cumulatively based on people I've known, then overlaid with my own original characteristics. I don't think it would be any fun just to take a real person and make him a character. What's the art in that?

4. Why the Cleveland Indians? And why a picture of Sammy Sosa on the cover?

The Indians were actually my third choice, and it's pretty ironic how I got there. I needed a loser of a team to be more realistic. An untried guy like Howie wasn't going to get a shot at the Yankees. So, in 2004 when I was first conjuring up the novel, I picked (naturally) the Red Sox. And, of course, they then go out and win. So, when I actually wrote the bulk of the book in '05 I changed to another loser. You guessed it: the White Sox. Suddenly, I'm Nostradamus without meaning to be. Then I had to go through the whole manuscript and change it to another loser. I picked the Indians. As I have assured the good people in Cleveland, when I visited there on book tour, they are guaranteed to win the World Series this October. I can be very big in Cleveland.

The cover is picked by the publisher strictly for reasons of marketing. This is just a generic shot with good design for a jacket. I didn't even know who the player was until somebody pointed it out to me.

5. Please describe some of the glaring differences between being a sportswriter and novelist?

The greatest difference between writing fiction and non-fiction is that the writing matters so much more in fiction. It's your story. You may do some background reporting, but it's you alone. In non-fiction, the reporting counts as much as the writing -- often more. Fiction is more gratifying. It's all you, sink or swim by yourself.

6. Say you went to speak to some J-school students. With the state of print journalism (especially newspapers), whaddya tell them? Advise them to head towards the online game? Magazines? Blogs?

Given the flux in the whole journalism industry, I'd be presumptuous to advise any young student quite what to do. It's too fluid right now. All I could safely say is that if you have talent, you will succeed, but in what venue I have no idea. You got to be quick on your feet now and be instinctive in choosing the right journalistic path for you. And then it will probably require a switch somewhere down the road.

7. What do you think of sports blogs? Will they ever compete with mainstream media? Are they refreshing after glazing over a dry AP story? Read any?

I don't read any particular blog on a regular basis. I do read some newspaper columns on-line. Blogs are opinion. The AP is providing you news. It's not fair to compare the two. I'm also very dubious about how accurate the facts are in blogs, which gives me pause. As for the future, I believe newspapers will become more mediums of opinion, that we'll get breaking news on-line (and from radio/TV of course) and then newspapers will provide more context. But it's an evolving process.

8. Are there any athletes you've gotten close to over the years -- sorta like a Mickey Huey situation? Any players or coaches you've had beef with?

When I was younger, which is to say, closer to the age of the athletes I covered, I grew very friendly with many of them. When we run across each other now, we greet each other more as, say, old fraternity brothers than as writer-subject. I believe, though, that writers and athletes were inclined more to be good friends in years back. It's more of an adversarial relationship now, which is too bad.

Sure, I had beefs with a few athletes. Nobody ever took a swing at me, though. Wilt Chamberlain once kicked me out of a locker room (not literally, of course), but Wilt and I became close after he finished playing. So, you never know.

9. You're stuck on a deserted Island with three public figures (athletes, celebrities, politicians). Who are they. Why?

I'd want three people long dead. Jesus, for sure. And one great American. Probably George Washington, but Ben Franklin would probably be more fun. Then Shakespeare. If you gave me a fourth, I'd like it to be a woman. Maybe Mary Magdalene could answer the same questions as Jesus. Joan of Arc. Cleopatra. Or maybe just a great, clever femme fatale like Agnes Sorel. Benjamin Franklin and me could both flirt with her and see who she liked best.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Big Picture Categories: marijuana names

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

This week's category is names for marijuana.
We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. When some one fucks up, pound a beer. Or take a shot from your hidden stash of Beam in the top drawer of your desk.

We'll keep it simple: weed.

Your turn...

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Thoughts on #756

The wait is over.

The post-home run ceremony was tasteful, we think, especially the Hank Aaron video-message tribute. It was a nice touch.

We aren't feeling anything, good or bad. Our reaction wasn't one of excitement or disapproval, joy or anger. We didn't cheer or boo. It was a feeling best expressed by a favorite quote: "So that happened."

Some fan -- not even a Giants fan -- just won the lottery.

And Mike Bacsik is the answer to a trivia question.

Erin Andrews is like so hot

Erin Andrews really is the foundation of this site. We like to think that it's witty writing, good pictures and some neat interviews. But who the fuck are we kidding? Erin Andrews is the straw that stirs the drinks.

And no matter what NFL Adam thinks, she's a 10. Waaay hot.
So what better than a collection of hot pictures of Erin? Barstool Sports -- brilliant devils -- did the work for all of us and put together a post with a lot of pictures of Erin giving us (not you, asshole. Us.) bedroom eyes.

Check out the link and then go relieve some stress in the bathroom in Accounting. Don't fucking dare do it in the john in your department. That could get, ugh, messy.

And that picture is one of our favs of Erin. You can practically read her lips: "You and me. Right now."

Jermaine O'Neal is pretty much done with Indiana

About the only thing we appreciate more than athletes mouthing off is the reporters who listen to them. They are performing a necessary service and we thank them profusely.

Our fun today comes courtesy of Pacers forward Jermaine O’Neal. Seems he wants out of Indiana and in with the Lakers.

It’s time for me to move on. And the Lakers are the team I want Indiana to trade me to… I can’t be in a rebuilding mode right now. I’m at a point in my career where I can’t wait another five years to contend. I’m not in a position physically to take in five years of losses and downtime.

Hard to argue with O’Neal on the “five years of losses” thing; Trading for Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy can do that to a team.

A trade might not be so easy, though.

Larry Bird is a hard man to deal with,” O’Neal said. “He tries to make unfair trades. He wants to gut a team, but the Lakers are trying to get over the hump. I want Indiana to benefit, but with some nice young players and draft picks. I want to make it clear that I don’t want to gut a team that I come to because then it’ll be like I’m in Indiana all over again.

We fully expect to see O’Neal in a Celtics jersey next season.


-Adam Landres-Schnur

Monday, August 06, 2007

Paris Hilton is talking to NASCAR drivers. And spreading the herp.

From the New York Daily News, via Ben Maller, comes tragic news that Paris Hilton is anorexic. No. That was last week. Actually it was that she has SARS. Fuck! That was two weeks ago.

Here's what supposedly happened:
Driver Kasey Kahne was out at Les Duex in Hollywood Wednesday night when he bumped into the ubiquitous celebutant. "The two of them chatted for a while, and before they parted ways for the night, she leaned in and whispered ‘God, you're cute' and kissed him!" says our source.
Our source -- fucking 100 times more reliable than the Daily News' -- told us that Kahne responded to Paris' whisper and said to her, "Can you get syphilis from oral? No?! Right on!"

It's unclear if Hilton and Kahne will get married, but our money is on a shotgun wedding in the next few days. Perhaps from a Planned Parenthood clinic.

NFL players are not tipping their barbers enough

From SI.com comes these vicious pictures of two NFLers who either a.) lost a bet; b.) caught their hairdresser right after happy hour; or c.) started dating blind chicks.

Anyway, here's Lions linebacker Ernie Sims, whose hair is taken to new heights.


And Cowboys lineman Doug Free who missed a spot.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Hey, that's not how it ended

Seen the new NCAA '08 ads? You should. Pretty, pretty, prettaaay good.

You can see all of them here, but our favorite is below.


Thursday, August 02, 2007

Give the Dodgers an A+ for timing

Sometimes the marketing/promotions department for Major League Baseball teams just doesn’t get the credit it deserves.

The Giants find themselves in Los Angeles tonight with Barry Bonds on the brink of breaking some sort of record. And, would you believe it, there’s a steroids awareness clinic taking place on the field before the game!

About 100 kids from area Little League teams are expected for a two-hour steroid awareness clinic to be held on the field during the afternoon. Dodger outfielder Juan Pierre, hitting coach Bill Mueller and former Dodger Lou Johnson are to participate in the clinic.

We can’t think of a better spokesman for steroids than Pierre. You know, with his 12 career home runs and all. He should have no problem filling the two hours allotted to the event.

It’s unclear whether Bonds will participate, but the kids will receive a Dodger goodie bag!

Did we mention the Giants are playing in Los Angeles tonight? Wait, Bonds plays for the Giants! He’s about to break the most cherished record in all of sports! He allegedly took steroids!

Those Dodger marketing folks: smart people they are.


-Adam Landres-Schnur

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

RIP Bill Walsh

We grew up in the Bay Area when the Niners were in their prime. When Bill Walsh was implementing the best offense of all time. When Super Bowls became an expectation.

We're not good with obituaries, so we'll provide you with an email exchange with a close friend and diehard 49er fan.
let's all pour one out for the greatest coach of all time. in any sport. it's not really even possible to do what he did in any other sport. you can't invent an offense in baseball. even in basketball, if you invent an offense nobody in their right mind will actually be able to tell the difference. there's no equivalent to the west coast offense. and it's not just that he invented it, it's that it dominated football for damn near 20 years. g. he was a pure g.

i need to shit. it's going to be a bad shit. a hot one. messy. i have a day off from work today. too bad. i could have annihilated my work toilet.
Goodbye, Bill. You will not be forgotten.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to zachls5@gmail.com by Tuesday night.

That's Carmella Decesare on the cover of a PG-13 magazine, evidently post boob job. You may know her as the 2004 Playmate of the Year or as Jeff Garcia's front for being gay. We can't believe that Garcia can go 10-25 with three INTs and go home to that. Sums up pretty much all that's wrong with this world.

Finished up Weeds Season 2 the other day. Certainly not as good as the first season, but Kevin Nealon could say just about anything and we'd crack up.

Hey, it's August! If that's not a legitimate reason to take a trip to the Adult Video Store, we don't know what is.

1.) Blog Show 17 is out, now with less Big Picture mentions. (The show's great though!) At this point, Mottram and Steinz could say, "The Big Picture is a terrible fucking blog and we hate it and Zach's a cocksmoker," and as long as we get a shout out, we'd be content.

2.) Stupid Sideline Reporters with a touching story of the Iraqi soccer team winning the Asian Cup. We wouldn't mind being touched by a fine Iraqi woman.

3.) The Pig Pen with the nice story of those SMU Mustangs who did some cheating.

4.) Stiles Points continues a good preview of the upcoming college football season with a look at the LSU Tigers. Geaux Tigers!

5.) Even ESPN thinks the new ESPN.com redesign is weak. Flyers Fieldhouse reports.

6.) The reign of Roger Goodell continues, says Signal to Noise. The Denver Broncos o-line no longer has the right to remain silent.

7.) See ya, Scott Proctor. Just Call me Juice is, ugh, juiced.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Lorenzo Mata is probably wishing he was in the NBA already

Good news, NBA players! If you’re single, have a “huge ego” and happen to have read the classifieds of the most recent Sports Weekly, surely you know you’re being “sought by beautiful woman, 41.”

We can’t imagine a more successful way to court an NBA star. Because, you know, NBAers check out the personals in Sports Weekly pretty regularly.

Oh, sorry for teasing you this long. telitsyn@shaw.ca

Comment starter: Which huge-ego NBAer hits this first?

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Monday, July 30, 2007

SaberCats champs! Destroyers fucking destroyed

To the right is a picture of the current scene in San Jose, Calif. after the San Jose SaberCats brought home the title for the third time in six years. They torched the Columbus Destroyers 55-33 in ArenaBowl XXI in the Big Easy.

If you look real close, you can see us doing some looting and throwing a Molotov cocktail in the direction of a gas station.

SET THE CITY ABLAZE!!!! AAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!!! (PSYCHOTIC, RIOT-HAPPY LAUGHING).

Man, winning is fucking amazing. Think of the feeling you get after having a threesome with two married chicks. Then multiply it by 10, add 26 and then a happy ending on top. That's the feeling.

We haven't been this excited about something since Saturday. Talk about a way to spice up a Monday morning.

It's a good thing we don't live all that close to San Jose. After lighting that shit up, it might not be there by this afternoon.

Oh, and Mark Grieb went 24-29 for 218 and four TDs. Some other players did other things.

Hot chick wins something, somewhere...


...And that's apparently a big deal. Because now people will completely forget that Natalie Gulbis is a babe and recognize her strictly for her golf skills.

So goes the first two sentences in this AP story:
Natalie Gulbis finally can be known for winning, too.

Famous mostly for her looks through five-plus seasons on tour, Gulbis broke through Sunday, winning her first LPGA Tour title blah blah blah.

We choose not to acknowledge golf and to especially acknowledge hot chicks. So here's to Natalie Gulbis being nothing more than a hot chick who handles a nine-iron. Sha-wing.

And here are some more pictures of Gulbis to erase any thought of golf from your mind.

(The stuff you could give two shits about: Gulbis won her first LPGA Tour title at the Evian Masters, beating some un-hot broad on the first hole of a playoff. Gulbis had a final round 70. Afterwards she may or may not have masturbated).

Friday, July 27, 2007

This is Jerame Tuman. Wait, no it's not!


The name Brian R. Jackson probably doesn’t sound too familiar to you; there’s no real reason it should.

But maybe Jerame Tuman registers. Or Ben Roethlisberger.

The latter two are both Steelers. Jackson, well, he’s just a guy from Pittsburgh who happens to sort of look like both players. So much so, it turns out, that he was able to convince a woman to loan him $3,200 while impersonating Tuman.
The woman told authorities a mutual friend introduced her to the man who said he was Tuman, and Jackson then convinced her to loan him the money over the course of a couple months in early 2006. Jackson was arrested after the woman sent a letter to Tuman through Steelers headquarters, asking for the money back, and Tuman turned the letter over to the head of Steelers security.
Jackson was also charged back in 2005 for impersonating Roethlisberger. He didn’t want money then, just to “meet and date women.”

We credit the guy for trying. We’re told we look like “Ross” from “Friends” quite often and nearly scored with a girl the other night by telling her she looked like “Rachel.”

As you might expect, this kind of behavior is frowned upon in the legal system, and Jackson’s going to the clink for a few months where he'll do his best Michael Vick impersonation.

Sports are just plain fun sometimes, aren’t they?

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Thursday, July 26, 2007

We can answer questions too


Our pal Jon from Pyle of List runs a great series called A Guide to Recognizing Your Bloggers, where he does some fun Q&As with the guys who run blogs.

It was our turn today and the interview is up. Go stop by, see what we have to say and leave a comment.

If you don't, you'll never get pussy again.

Bonds guessing game

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Blogger Reach-Arounds

Blogger Reach-Arounds" is The Big Picture's link dump that runs every Wednesday. But sometimes Thursday. But usually Wednesday. Send your links -- current posts or those within the last week -- to zachls5@gmail.com by Tuesday night.

Jennifer Walcott might just be the hottest chick on Earth. HOLY SHIT!!! What we'd give for five minutes with her in a dark closet. Adam Archuleta is a.) really lucky and b.) can go fuck himself. Yes we get jealous. It's natural, right?

We have a week off from work which is pretty cool and neat. We just got back from the mountains and plan to further our ass groove which hasn't gotten enough action this summer.

Juiced for the Simpson's Movie? Seems about five years overdue, but still, we'll see it. We just got Premonition on Netflix. Skip it. The plot has more holes than Swiss cheese and Sandra Bullock is about an eighth as fuckable as she is in Speed.

1.) What's better than one Mottram? Two Mottrams and some Indonesian prostitutes! The brothers have combined and the new site looks great.

2.) The Pig Pen has a picture of Darren McFadden's new tattoo, which, unfortunately, does not say, "I Heart Bloggers."

3.) Stiles Points, gearing up for college football season, has an outsider tell about the Washington Huskies. Word has it the guest author is strikingly handsome and hung like Barbaro.

4.)Epic Carnival has a list of the hottest MLB concession workers. Lunch Lady Doris anyone?

5.) A serious question that could really get some good debate: are African Americans better athletes? Pyle of List analyzes.

6.) From 100% Injury Rate, via Larry Brown Sports, a headline that would probably now get an editor fired.

7.) Winning the Turnover Battle has analysis of the San Jose Sharks' new, attemped bad ass logo.

8.) In California, you can no longer turn Kangaroos into items in your wardrobe. The Beautiful Game laments.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Bonds' former mistress likes talking and being naked

We find it perfectly reasonable that Barry Bonds’ ex mistress is willing to talk to the public about her relationship with the soon-to-be home run king; she did testify in front of a grand jury after all.

And hey, who better to talk to than Playboy! While naked!

The Playboy article, accompanied by a nude pictorial of Kimberly Bell, is scheduled to hit newsstands Oct. 1. The 37-year-old Bell said the article will cover details of her relationship with Bonds that she told a grand jury investigating the perjury allegations in 2005.
We’re happy to report that the photo shoot was “one of the most liberating experiences” of her life. Removing your clothing has that effect, we’re told.

Oh, and for the record, when we venture a peek at Playboy we don’t read the articles. Like ever.


-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Bonds should break record on the road

Barry Bonds has come out and said that he'd like to break this HR record at home, in front of a loyal SF crowd which likes home runs and prefers to sweep steroids, Balco and shrunk testicles under the proverbial rug.

And while it would be nice for Barry to hear the roar of the home crowd when 756 is launched, things aren't looking so sunshiny. The Giants have six games left of a seven-game homestand, and Barry jacking three in six games is tough -- even the way Barry has been known to smack them -- and isn't that likely.

And after the ATL and Florida visit AT&T, the Giants play 15 of 21 on the road, which is good for us. As general baseball fans, we want to see Barry hit his record shot in an opposing ball park.

Why? Well, what the hell's the reaction gonna be like? Do people boo? Do they stand, but don't clap? Applaud?

The home run record is the most hallowed record in all of sports, so to see it change hands in our lifetime is something special. To see what will likely be a controversial reaction if it's done away from SF would make it that much more special.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Yankees are scoring runs

Hi, motherfuckers. It's me again. Have you checked the boxscores lately? You should. That's if you can count high enough.

Can you count to 25? Bet you can't, motherfucker. That's how many hits we smacked off the Devil Rays yesterday. And we had 20 hits the day before. I coulda put Helen Keller in there and she woulda gone 4-5 with a jack and six RBIs.

Probably a good thing Keller's not on our team. Otherwise Jeter would go off being all Captain Pussyman and try to get his knob slobbed.

It's also a good thing Alex is hitting because otherwise I'd stick a bat up his ass. Should see that guy's ego. Fucking bigger than my johnson. He demands we call him A-big-Rod. Narcissistic fuck. But he hits home runs. I like that in a man.

So people were saying the playoffs were out of reach. Well I say fuck that, motherfucker. We're five over, only seven and a half out of first, still in the Wild Card hunt. You know what "hunt" sorta sounds like? No. Not that. You sick fuck. It's sounds like bunt, something we haven't been having to do much of lately. We just hit homers and doubles and fucking more homers. Barry Bonds should be looking over his shoulder because Shelley Duncan's coming for him.

Speaking of Shelley, I like that he's been hitting home runs, because if he wasn't, I'd probably have Matsui take a fucking Samurai sword to his johnson. What kind of name is Shelley? Grow a pair of tits and I'll call you Shelley, motherfucker. Until then, I'm calling your ass Joe. Cuz that's a fucking man's name. Guy's named Joe hit home runs.

This hit parade the last few days was all my doing. Four rings can do that. I tell 'em to go hit the fuck out of the ball and they fucking listen because I have four fucking rings, motherfucker.

We'll be in this thing by the end. We're hotter than Damon's last piece of ass. When this thing's said and done, each finger on my right hand will be covered in jewelry. Oh, you think I'm arrogant? I'm confident, motherfucker. And confidence wins ball games. So does 25 hits. Motherfucker.

Friday, July 20, 2007

In-person: the Home Run Derby


A wee bit late on this, but still, first-hand experience is sorta cool.

One of the very few perks about having Giants season tickets these days is that we had the strip to the All-Star game festivities. We sold the tickets to the actual All-Star game (covered nearly the cost of the season tickets!) and went to the Future's game last Sunday. We missed out on the Derby, but our bro and dad were there to soak it all in.

It was pretty much what we all expected: cool to be at the party, but the home-run hitting was pretty redundant. And no water shots. WTF?

We told our bro and dad to take pictures, pictures, pictures, and the ones here are three of many from the day.

McCovey Cove was packed like a bowl, the field looked great and Erin Andrews (bottom photo...it's like finding fucking Waldo) was there! Click each photo for a closer look.

We weren't really that upset about missing a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see grown men hit small balls awfully far, but it woulda been cool to be there and be part of the fun. And we would have liked to tell Erin that she's a fucking champion. She just doesn't know it yet.



Thursday, July 19, 2007

Sorry

We know things have been sorta weak lately; things are a bit different for us in the summer. Our social life is at an all-time high and we're on multiple vacations and camping trips, making full-time blogging pretty tough. It's not the day-long stints at a computer we're normally used to.

Adam was a big G and stepped in nicely yesterday, but no time for a real post today with all sorts of shit keeping us from the Internets....

But spare time is approaching soon, starting with tomorrow. We promise to start sucking less ass.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Don't ask for vinegar at a Hagerstown Suns game

Next time you’re at a Hagerstown Suns game, you should probably just ask for ketchup on your fries, opposed to, say, vinegar.

We aren’t big on putting vinegar on our chips like some are (Brits, namely), but Stephen Parrotte and Brian L. Marquiss were intent on it April 24 of 2003 when they were attending a Suns game at Municipal Stadium -- a Class A affiliate of the Nationals.

Turns out the concession stand didn’t have vinegar, but was stock full of oven cleaner which they received on their fries instead.

The Hagerstown men claimed they suffered serious, permanent injuries to their mouths, throats and digestive tracts from ingesting sodium hydroxide that a Hagerstown Suns concessions worker poured from an unmarked plastic jug.

We’ve mistaken an “unmarked plastic jug” for vinegar on a number of occasions. It can happen to anyone at any time. You really should mark your plastic jugs; let this be a lesson to you.

The dousing was inadvertent, thankfully, but a lawsuit was filed nevertheless. And sure enough, the plaintiffs won! The ruling came down Monday, but terms of the settlement weren’t released.

We sort of hope a lifetime supply of vinegar-scented oven cleaner was part of the deal.


-Adam Landres-Schnur

Getting a tooth stuck in your head is more common than you may think

Frankly, we’re a little disappointed rugby has yet to catch on in the states the way soccer has. (That is to say, we wish it existed here so we could very loosely follow it and give a collective sigh when our team moves to Houston. See: Earthquakes, San Jose.)

Our rugby days were short; numbered after a hard fall as a kid during summer camp one day. But we find it hard not to like a sport where brawny men wrap their arms around each other and rock back and forth (they call this a “scrum,” no?) only to be followed by spine-bending, bone-crushing hits.

And sometimes hits that leave a tooth in your head without you even knowing it.
Ben Czislowski was playing for Brisbane team Wynnum during the April 1 incident involving Tweed Heads forward Matt Austin. He had a head wound stitched up afterward, the Australian Associated Press reported Tuesday.

Czislowski later suffered an eye infection and complained of lethargy and shooting pains in his head.

Then last week, his doctor found a tooth embedded in Czislowski’s head.

Seems plausible, if you ask us. How Austin didn't notice a missing tooth raises some concern, but we can just write that off as rugby players being rugby players.

We have an inkling the tooth will be available on eBay shortly.


-Adam Landres-Schnur

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Book Review: Frank Deford's 'The Entitled'

We were sent legendary sportswriter Frank Deford's latest novel, "The Entitled," to review, and two and a half months later (we read at a third-grade level...not really true. It's more like a grad-school level. We're fucking great readers! Just awfully busy...), we're ready to go.

Good, good read. If you like sports, sex and some inside info on what it's like to live the life of a superstar, this book's for you. Buy your copy here.

What's the book about?
"The Entitled" is a tale of modern baseball that takes you deep inside America's game; inside a ball club and inside the mind of a defeated manager and a champion slugger. Deford's writing is authentic and emanates today's baseball.
"The Entitled" is right down our alley too. We like baseball, we like sex, we like swearing. This novel has it all.

One scene describes how the protagonist -- Cleveland Indians manager Howie Traveler -- finds it strange how he acknowledges his daughter's great tits.

There's also a part that has narration of how Traveler doesn't like to swear. Meanwhile, the paragraph is loaded with enough f-bombs to make this website read like a script from fucking Sesame Street.

The book's definitely worth a read. It's a fun summer book that will get you thinking baseball and perhaps wanting to jerk it to Traveler's daughter.

We're working on setting up an interview with Deford, so be on the lookout for that in the next few weeks. And while we're on the topic of good books, go buy our aunt's latest novel. If you don't, your penis is going to fall off.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The ArenaBowl is set!


It's finally here! Finally! After weeks (weeks? months?) of build-up, the big game is upon us. And our team is in it! Sabercats, bitch! They'll fucking kill your team and then kill them again. Mark Grieb is the Joe Montana of the Arena League and our receiver is cool too.

With ArenaBowl 21 (Roman numerals are for pussies) two weeks away in New Orleans, it's time for the media to start its orgy of coverage. And if it's anything like coverage fro the Super Bowl, we're in for a special treat -- in July, no less! The upcoming schedule looks something like this:

Today: A look at how both San Jose and Columbus got to the big game. And an in-depth look at how Arena Football differs from normal football.

Tuesday: An in-depth look at the contrasting styles the teams used to get to the big game. Columbus is a No. 6 seed and took the upset path, the Sabercats took no fucking prisoners.

Wednesday-Sunday: Analysis on Sabercats coach Darren Arbet being black and Destroyers coach Doug Kay being white.

Next Monday and Tuesday: Xs and...O shit, the Sabercats coach is black!

Next Wednesday: Predictions, position analysis, coaching edge. How the short field could be the factor.

Next Thursday: Human interest stories, focusing on how Coach Arbet's family is black.

Next Friday: New Orleans as the host city. Sites to see, parties to go to, food to eat. Jokes not to make.
Next Saturday: Celebrity predictions. Jimmy Kimmel likes San Jose in a rout!

Game day: Analyst predictions. Position by position breakdowns. Whose uniforms are cooler.