Yankees vs. Canadiens: A case study in hate

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The Yankees won their 27th Commissioner’s Trophy this fall. As an A’s fan, I am steaming hot mad. This seems to be the way of the MLB landscape where the top-moneyed teams buy up all the best free agents and those of us in small markets sit around and stew. Like this: I cannot express in enough words how completely awful it is that Alexander Emmanuel Rodriquez will receive an over-sized ring that he won’t wear next April. Stinks out loud it does.

Part of what makes the Yankees so awful or rather their fans so awful is that they’ve won now 27 World Series. They’ve been around since 1903 which makes them two years younger than the A’s franchise. (The A’s began in Philadelphia in 1901) They had “Murderer’s Row” and the “Bronx Zoo” and began poaching players from teams in full in the 1970’s. Some of it was other owners being cheap (Charlie Finley) and some of it was George Steinbrenner being a tyrant.

The latter is the leitmotif of the Yankees. Their infield includes the 252-million-dollar centaur, Mark Teixeria’s ugly mug, and Jeter. The pitching staff was created out of the ruins of the Indians and Blue Jays staffs (Sabathia and Burnett) and the rest of it is just old money.

By comparison, I offer the Montreal Canadiens. The most storied team in the history of the National Hockey, Les Canadiens have hoisted the Stanley Cup a total of 24 times since the inception of the NHL in 1918. Part of what made the Canadiens so dominant was that the NHL was a six-team league until 1967. In addition, there was a clause in the draft in the 60’s that allowed the Canadiens two picks in order to select French-Canadian born players.

Needless to say, the Canadiens won early and won often. Twice (the ’55-’56 season through the ’59-’60 season and ’75-’76 season through ’78-’79 season) the Habs won the Cup multiple times. These teams included a large collection of Hall of Fame players, coaches, and executives. The Canadiens are seen as the team to be against the NHL over. But the question is: Are they? I know that they were and are hated by Bruins fans. Ken Dryden’s great book The Game details how Dryden loved playing against the Bruins in the old Boston Garden because of the scope of the rivalry. I also know that the Habs are booed repeatedly by Leafs fans whenever they roll into Air Canada Centre.

The query that I have is: Who is more hated? Is it the Yankees with their entitled fan base, hyperventilating announcers, and disdain for long hair and beards? Or is it the Canadiens with the “bleu, blanc, et rouge” and the banners littering the rafters of the Bell Centre?

These guys could teach Joe Buck a thing or two

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I don’t know exactly when, but at some point in the not-too-distant future, baseball will lose a great man. Ernie Harwell -- the voice of the Tigers for 42 years -- will succumb to the cancer currently ailing him.

I have never met Mr. Harwell nor have I been to Comerica Park. I do, however, know what it’s like to lose the voice of your team.

Bill King was the voice I heard every time I listened to an A’s game as a child. When he died in 2005, I was saddened not only because the Bay Area had lost 40 years of broadcasting gold, but also because I felt like I hadn’t heard him enough. From the Holy Roller to Hatteberg winning the 20th in a row, Bill King was there.

I had the opportunity to meet Bill King -- albeit briefly -- in 2004 at Spring Training. My only regret -- as with his overall career -- was that I didn’t talk to him for longer.

I consider Bill King and Ernie Harwell cut out of the same cloth. Legends in their field that almost transcend their sport. I feel the loss of Bill King only when I hear a great moment in A’s past with him on the call. I can only imagine that Tigers fans have the same feeling while listening to games on the radio.

This is one of the many reasons why people hate the likes of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Okay, so there are at least a hundred thousand reasons, but I don’t feel like going over all of them. The best possible way to handle that situation is to give over all nationally televised baseball games to Jon Miller. Miller works Giants games Monday through Saturday and does ESPN Sunday night games. Oh, and he’s a fantastic broadcaster and I’m an A’s fan.

Frankly, I’m not sure there is such thing as a great or even good color commentator. More people tend to focus on play-by-play men like Bill King and Ernie Harwell.

These are men who set the standard for excellence in broadcasting carried out by someone like Jon Miller. They are treasures of the game and are honored as such by their communities and fans. And while I could go on an El-Dorado-sized rant about Bill King not being in the Baseball Hall of Fame, I will abstain. For now.

I would like to offer good thoughts to Ernie Harwell and all Tigers fans. As I said, I’ve never met Mr. Harwell but I hope to go to a Tigers game in person sometime soon. For those of you who may have grown up with a similarly stand-out voice, think a good thought for that person. Whether it be Foster Hewitt, the late Myra Cope or Johnny Most, or Ernie Harwell, treasure those moments when they helped teach you the game.

It's hard work being Tim McCarver

Being a catcher is hard work, man. Gotta be able to hit a nasty slider, handle a similar nasty slider and play at your best in the toughest situations.

For former catcher Tim McCarver, that was the easy part. Trying to broadcast a World Series is much more difficult.

Veteran Fox analyst Tim McCarver used to be a catcher. But, he suggests, his mike presents more challenges than foul tips. "It's a lot tougher to announce a World Series that it is to play in one," he says. "Playing in it, you can do something about it."

It's also tough work when you're not very smart. And, hey, forming complete sentences with verbs and nouns and adjectives is challenging for any grown up.

Not quoted in the story: Joe Buck.

[USA Today via Ben Maller]

5 reasons why the World Series sucks

Game 1 of the World Series is hours away and, with the exception of 2002, we will likely be watching something else.

Maybe it's the teams, the ample other sporting events going on or FOX's telecasts, but this time of year, we just sorta lose interest. It's kinda the same feeling Orioles fans have in May.

Have similar feelings? Thought so. Here are five reasons why the World Series sucks.

5. Weather


Today's forecast in New York: High of 54, low of 45, rain.
Saturday's forecast in Philadelphia: High of 63, low of 45, rain.

Fantastic. You're shoulder pads and goalposts away from a football game.

4. East Coast


More particular to 2009 than the World Series in general, but it seems that often we'll have two teams competing for a championship that nobody west of the Mississippi cares about. Not that we'd prefer a Dodgers-Angels World Series. Actually, that would be worse. The Giants and Royals would be better, thanks.

3. Fairweather fans


Oh, the guy in the next cubicle over has been, "A fan FOREVER," has he? Sure. Whatever. He also roots for the Gators, New England and the Lakers AND Celtics (because he has ties to both teams).

And don't think we're just talking about the Yankees.

The Phillies have won far more recently than the Yanks who are looking for their first ring since 2000. We've seen more Philadelphia hats in California than A's hats lately.

2. Celebrity sightings


Certainly worse than usual with two big-market teams, but we don't need to be reminded 10 times throughout the game that Kate Hudson is dating A-Rod. If we wanted to see Hudson, we'd rent You, Me and Dupree and proceed to gouge out our eyes with a mechanical pencil. Let's stick to the baseball, fellas, and leave the B-list celebrities to TMZ.

1. Joe Buck


Joe Buck arrives just in time to bring fun, humor and excitement to baseball. Except that he doesn't and he looks at little girls the wrong way. He saps all the fun and pleasure out of the Fall Classic and injects monotone and boredom.

And let's not let Tim McCarver off the hook. He was held back in Kindergarten. Twice.

Ted Williams saves Halloween

Never too early to start having Halloween parties. Damn, it'd be fun to celebrate Halloween in April. Who needs an excuse to dress up?

This wonderful costume -- Ted Williams' friggin head! -- comes to us from Unathletic Mag with a bounce pass from With Leather.

The whole cryogenic thing has never really made any sense, but nor has math, so who's to complain? If Williams comes back to life (cryogenic freezing brings people back to life, right? As zombies or something?) he'll come back as the first headless .400 hitter of the steroid era.

Ruth. Williams. Wait a second, Barry Bonds took steroids?

SI's Joe Posnanski wrote a column yesterday evaluating the best hitters to ever play the game. Pure hitter. No base-stealing. No five tool bullshit. Just hitting.

The list is pretty much what you'd expect and will create all sorts of debate that is completely moot because you don't compare apples and oranges, steroids and non-steroids and other things that are clichéd opposites.

Some notable current names: Ken Griffey Jr., Frank Thomas, Albert Pujols, Manny, Vlad, Todd Helton...the list goes on and features many current and recent players.

Though The Big Lead isn't so sure that Pujols, only in his ninth season, should be ranked so high on an all-time list.

And we're not sure why Barry Bonds isn't No. 1. Again, apples and oranges blah blah blah. But no player we have ever seen will change the way the game is played and Barry did that. Give the cream and a clear an assist, but steroids don't improve plate discipline.

Read the list. Get heated. And debate in the comments.

ENOUGH! Play the damn game already

Saturday: Dodgers beat Cardinals 5-1 to sweep series.
Sunday: Angels beat Red Sox 7-6 and Yankees beat Twins 4-1 to both sweep
Monday: Phillies beat Rockies 5-4 to win series in four.
Tuesday: Nothing happens
Wednesday: Nothing happens
Thursday: Game 1 of the NCLS; THE YANKEES AND ANGELS HAVE BEEN OFF FOR NEARLY A WEEK!
Friday: Game 1 of the ALCS. Oh, now you'd like to play baseball.

This isn't the freakin' NBA, man. Baseball players don't need four days off between games. They hardly even run. The real question, of course, is who does the extra rest give an advantage to? Which teams will the break mess up?

We'll see tomorrow. And then Friday. Fuck. Monday through Wednesday with nothing but the NHL is worse than King of the Hill reruns.

Hats off, TBS: you're just as bad as FOX

We were looking forward to the the first round of the playoffs NOT being on FOX; anything is better than Joe Buck.

While TBS is a nice change of pace, it isn't exactly taking advantage of the situation.

Tuesday, Chip Carey mistook a double play for a base hit (and we swear did something similar Wednesday! Anyone get audio?) and also didn't pay much attention to Brandon Inge's shirt being hit with the bases loaded in the 12th.

Then there's Craig Sager and his ridiculous suits. One writer puts it best: "A reporter’s job is to tell the story, not try to become part of it." We'd just say he looks like crayon.

And anybody feel us when we say that it sounds like Ron Darling constantly has glue in his mouth?

And now baseball matters for only eight, well, nine teams

There it is: the end of the 2009 regular MLB season.

One no-hitter, one perfect game and a season dominated by big-spending teams and the lack of competitive races.

Until now.

Gotta feel for Detroit -- if there's any city that could use a distraction... -- as they led Minnesota by 5.5 games on Sept. 14. Should be a fun atmosphere Tuesday in the Metrodome and it seems they just can't get rid of that building!

Funny, too, on the last day of the season five games were decided in extra innings. Washington, which couldn't finish the season soon enough, capped things off with a 15-inning win over Atlanta.

As far as the playoffs go, watch out for the National League. The Dodgers, which have home-field throughout, have gotta be all sorts of worried as their rotation is anything but stable and the Cardinals will try to throw Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter four times in a five-game series.

The Yankees don't seem all that dominant in the AL and who knows which Sabathia will show up in the postseason? And how many times have the Angels and Red Sox met in the playoffs recently? This is becoming a tradition.

Since the Giants are done -- a 16-game turnaround from a dreadful 2008 season ain't bad -- we'll probably check out and resort to TV sitcoms and Netflix. And once Joe Buck and Tim McCarver take over the airwaves, we'll be more interested in mid-week college football games than meaningful playoff games.

But there's baseball for 2009 for all but eight teams. Some nice sense of closure Sunday. Here's to some fun playoffs and the Dodgers and Red Sox losing in the first round!

The Richmond Giants

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

No, not Richmond, Calif. but Richmond, Va., which starting in 2010 will be the home of the San Francisco Giants' Double-A team. This is of specific interest to me as my mother grew up in Richmond, Va. at a time when the Richmond Virginians or Virginia Vee’s were the Triple-A team of the New York Yankees. The Vee’s left in 1964, however, so the team I saw was the Richmond Braves. Visiting my Grandfather in Richmond, I have a few occasions to see the Braves at “The Diamond.” Sadly the Braves were relocated to Gwinnett, Ga. this season.

The city of Richmond has since been looking for another team to replace the Braves. Part of the problem is that “The Diamond” was not exactly the most modern facility. I’m not sure how necessary this is but considering the fact that the only other minor league ballpark I’ve been to is Raley Field (home of the Sacramento Rivercats), I can’t say for certain. It (“The Diamond) had a very college baseball feel to some extent though Richmond is not a giant sports hub. It is a wonderful city that doubles a quality college town (Virginia Commonwealth University, University of Richmond, and Virginia Union among others) and was the birthplace of Arthur Ashe, Moses Malone, and Bruce Smith.

The former home of the Giants Double-A team was Norwich, Conn. I have never been to Connecticut but like most people I know it for ESPN, the Whalers, and UConn. I also know that it was never the seat of the Confederacy during the Civil War. Yes, Richmond was the capitol of the Confederate States and has a rather large statue in honor of General Richard E. Lee. It’s not gaudy but it’s there in “the Fan” section of Richmond along with a statue of Arthur Ashe.

Richmond has come quite a long way in the 144 years since the Civil War ended and is a very nice place to visit. It is about an hour south of Charlottesville where the Cavaliers are having an up and down football season. William and Mary?! Oh my. The scuttlebutt is that “the Diamond” will be refurbished for the Giants but considering the money they have tied up in Dave Roberts, Randy Winn, and Edgar Renteria, it may take a lot of votes and public funds. And we all know how quickly Pac Bell/SBC/AT&T was voted on.

In the meantime, the artist formerly known as the Connecticut Defenders will be rechristened the “Richmond Defenders” or something equally snappy. Maybe the Richmond Rusty the Robots or the Richmond Crazy Crabs.

When you break it down, you want to hurt Brian Sabean that much more

Two "big" mid-season trades for the Giants: Ryan Garko for pitcher Scott Barnes and Freddy Sanchez for pitcher Tim Alderson.

At the time of the trades the Giants were eight over .500. Entering Wednesday, they were 11 over. That has nothing to do with either of these acquisitions.

Garko: Hitting .233 with 2 HRs and 12 RBI as a Giant. Barnes hasn't made it to the Bigs, but is still responsible, somehow, for three Indian wins.

Sanchez: Since joining the Giants is hitting .283 with 1 HR, 1 double, 2 walks and 7 RBI. He's played in 25 of 52 games and will require offseason surgery. Alderson, one of the Giants' top prospects and a former first-round pick, hasn't made it up either, but will push Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter for the NL Cy Young Award this year.

Sanchez will likely be the Giants' starting second baseman in 2010, but will be coming off surgery. Garko might be selling used cars.

Hated the trades at the time. Still hate them. Singles hitters who can't take a walk are characteristics of everyone else in the FUCKING LINEUP! Go get a fucking power hitter or hoard your pitchers and you'll have the best rotation in baseball!

We'll talk when the Giants go get Matt Holliday and Adrian Gonzalez. And Albert Pujols, Hanley Ramirez, David Wright and anybody else capable of hitting a home run or moving a runner over with less than two outs.

Holding the ball ransom for...1 MILLION dollars

Some of the best fans we know are A's fans. They're knowledgeable, educated and root for the team the right way.

The rest of the Oakland fanbase? Not so bright. Generalization? Absolutely. But our experience with them hasn't been great.

This one fan certainly isn't giving the A's fanbase a good name.

Outfielder Matt Carson does not have the ball from his first big-league home run - the fan who caught it Monday refused to give it up unless he was paid for it.

The A's usually trade a signed bat for a milestone baseball, sometimes throwing in a few hats or a shirt, but they will not pay for returned balls.

"I only want money," the fan told clubhouse personnel before leaving.

"He wanted a lot, too," said Carson, who like others heard that the demand was $10,000, although that could not be confirmed.

Hey, tough economy. Anything to get a buck. A Matt Carson-signed bat would've been fucking sweet, though.

[San Francisco Chronicle via Ben Maller]

Wait, what the fuck? Joe Saunders is a lefty?

We've had Joe Saunders and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers on our fantasy for the last two years. That's perhaps the first question:

1. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

The second question would be:

2. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

We'd like you to know that we're in eighth place (out of 10 teams) in our league, meaning we're fucking awesomer than two other team. Joe Saunders, and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers, is responsible for that.

All this time, though, we thought he was a slightly taller, less fat version of Kevin Appier who knew better than to play for Kansas City. Turns out we were wrong on all accounts.

It seems that he's about equally as tall and fat as Kevin Appier but HE'S LEFT FUCKING HANDED! How could this have possibly slipped through the cracks of our baseball wisdom.

Call us bad baseball brainiacs. Or National League fans.

A voice from above

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

When the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum opened its turnstiles to East Bay baseball fans, there were two voices booming loudly. In the broadcast booth, it was Monty Moore detailing the exploits of the likes of Jim “Catfish” Hunter throwing a perfect game and “helping his own cause” by getting three RBI. A few rooms over, a bushy-haired man sat booming the names to the fans below. That man: Roy Steele.

Dubbed “The Voice of God” by Jon Miller, Steele has been the voice of the Oakland Athletics since 1968. He is the West Coast version of the Yankees Bob Sheppard. Like Sheppard, however, Steele is no longer able to work the Coliseum’s Public Address System.

As a young A’s fan in the late '80s, I can distinctly remember the names of Mark McGwire and Dave Henderson echoing through the Coliseum. It always highlighted the experience of sitting in the stands at the Coliseum. Not to mention the fact that A’s were consistently contending for the Commissioner’s Trophy (World Series Trophy) each year. I have never had the opportunity to meet Roy Steele but I would like very much do.

The reason for this is simple: I met Bill King in 2004 during Spring Training. This is the first and only time I’ve met an announcer in any sport. Because I was a bit out of the loop sports wise, my lauding of Bill King did not resonate the way it should. It also hurt his cause that I wasn’t hearing him broadcast Warriors or Raiders games when I was a kid.

Roy Steele, on the other hand, has been a constant voice I have heard throughout my childhood. I like Dick Callahan -- the current voice of the Coliseum and the Cal Bears -- well enough. He is a jovial sort and does a good job. The problem is that he is the unenviable position of following Roy Steele.

The same is true of Vince Cotroneo who was hired by the A’s after Bill King’s untimely passing in 2005. I can only think of one situation in which the man following a legend did so without a “bump in the road”: Harry Kalas.

In addition to having been the voice of the Phillies since 1971, Kalas became the full-time voice of NFL films after John Facenda passed in 1984. Facenda created many of the great voice over moments in the history of NFL films. For Bay Area purposes, one of his greatest was “The Autumn Wind is a Raider.” The combination of the musical score and Facenda’s voice is what Hawaiians call a “chicken skin” moment.

This only one moment in a sea of other, slower transitions from one voice to another. Like many things, I just miss “The Voice of God” as it hearkens back to a simpler time when Dave Henderson’s name boomed through the stands.

Getting reunited with the stirrup sock

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

One of the great phrases of all-time was whoever first referred to the NFL as the “No Fun League.” The fact that there are “uniform police” in the NFL borders on the fully ridiculous. One of the best examples of this was Jon Kitna getting fined by the NFL because he wasn’t wearing a Bengals hat during his post game press conference. Never mind that the hat was orange, it was more that it was religious. That is a different argument for a different time. What bothers me is not the NFL and its “uniform police.” What pisses me off is the lack of a “uniform police” in Major League Baseball.

I don’t know who first started wearing the uniform pants all the way to the shoe tops but has to stop. I could argue that this is a safety issue because people like Manny Ramirez look like he’s going to trip over himself. The issue is the disappearance of the stirrup sock. What is the stirrup sock you ask? It is generally a solid color sock worn over a “sanitary sock.” The A’s, for example, wore a green stirrup sock over a gold sanitary sock. The Cardinals wear the “barber pole” socks favored by Brendan Ryan and others. Most of the stirrup socks, however, were a simple solid color.

I realize that the authoritarian nature of league officials is bad for sports. No one wants to have people telling Jon Kitna what hat to wear or Wayne Gretzky how to tape his stick. What is at stake here is the definition of the word “uniform.” As I have heard one Adam Carolla yell on a few occasions, it is about “uniformity” or “sameness.”

I want people to wear stirrup socks because it is a safety issue. Take the aforementioned Manny Ramirez. The way he wears his uniform makes it look as though it is at least two sizes two big. This is compounded by the fact that the cuffs of his pant hang low over the back of his cleats. I can’t remember what Mr. Ramirez’s contract is worth, but I doubt Frank McCourt, Ned Colletti, or Joe Torre would like to see him blow out his ACL because he tripped over his pants.

On a selfish level, the stirrup sock look is a classic look that further makes each team unique. From the Kelly green and Fort Knox gold of the A’s to the Oriole orange, stirrup socks were an extra reminder of the team’s colors. Frankly, my only regret is that the Giants used to wear black stirrup sock but white and not orange sanitary socks.

There is hope on the horizon. A’s rookie pitcher Josh Outman donned the traditional A’s stirrup socks and showcased them to the general sporting public until he was shelved by surgery on his pitching elbow. I know one person can’t reverse a trend, so if Manny Ramirez wouldn’t mind tripping while rounding first, “That’d be great.”

Foul Ball Etiquette

It's not easy getting a foul ball. Some people go to hundreds of games and leave with nothing but a lighter wallet. If you're lucky enough to be in foul-ball range, here's some proper etiquette to make sure you don't get jumped in the parking lot.

6a. Put down your fucking beer if you're serious about getting a ball.


There are three beers in that picture, two of which will surely spill on someone who won't get the ball. Put the beer down, put on your glove and act like a professional.

6b. Bring a glove -- if you don't, get the fuck out of the way.

Like seriously, bring a glove. People will think you're a true fan and not some corporate schmuck who is giving downtown ballparks a bad name.

5. Don't steal the ball from the kid when the umpire tosses it in the stands.


That poor girl doesn't stand a chance at getting the ball. If you're making a leaping grab on an Albert Pujols liner, fine. But when the ump casually tosses the ball to the crowd in between innings, let the little kid have the glory. Baseball is for the kids, after all.

4. If you chase a ball down the aisle in section 406 during a day game at Dolphin Stadium, do not pat yourself on the back.


I could get a foul ball in the nosebleeds at Marlins game while simultaneously jerking off, online shopping and making a peanut butter sandwich. If you happen to get an easy one, sit right back down and enjoy the rest of the game.

3. If you make a good catch, don't jump up and down like an idiot; act like you've been there before.

You've brought your glove, are in position and then Matt Kemp rips one in your vicinity and you leap and get it! Great catch, dude, but you didn't help the home team win. Enjoy the applause as you happily sit down without making a scene.

2. When do you have to give the ball to a kid?


Tough question. Let's decipher this from a few angles:

If you're at the game with your kid:

ALWAYS give the ball to your kid. Wanna pay for years of therapy down the road? Fuck. No. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! Give it to your kid.

If you don't have kids, but there's a kid sitting close by:

1. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! It's yours. Keep it, frame it and send a text to your GF who won't give two fucks that you caught a foul ball.

2. The ball bounces off three people, rolls down the aisle and it accidentally lands in your hand? Your call. But karma says give it to the kid. If not, a flat tire's coming your way.

3. The ball bounces off the kid's glove right in front of you, rolls down the aisle and accidentally lands in your hand? No-brainer. Give it to the kid.

If it's Adults-Only Night and there is no kid anywhere in the stadium.

Doesn't matter the circumstances. Give it to your girlfriend. You might actually get laid.

1. Don't pull a Bartman.


If you reach into the field of play,

1. Leave the stadium immediately
2. Find the nearest train tracks
3. Wait
4. Keep waiting
5. Stare the train down
6. Move at the last minute.
7. (If a repeat offender) don't move at the last minute.

Any omissions in the comments, please.

Hey, Paul Byrd's back in the bigs! And he'll clean toilets if he has to!

A big welcome back to pitcher Paul Byrd and his super-cool windup. Byrd, who hadn't pitched since last September, fired six scoreless innings for Boston in yesterday's win.

And after the game, he reminded us why people missed Paul Byrd (we don't think people actually missed Paul Byrd. But maybe some did. We did. Paul Byrd is our favorite pitcher in the history of pitchers. That's probably an overstatement but we're writing this Sunday night and we think there's a woodpecker inside our head. A really pissed-off woodpecker who's pecking like we just boinked his daughter):

''I'm just so excited to be back. I want a World Series ring,'' he said. ''Hopefully I can help this team get there. I'll clean toilets if I have to, and I told them that.''

Fantastic. He'll clean toilets and pitch (full audio here). Take him up on that. He'd probably do a lousy job with the toilet rim, but Comet's a fucking miracle worker.

Cool. Paul Byrd. Toilets. We're gonna go sleep for 14 hours now and pork Mr. Woodpecker's daughter. We'll be more coherent tomorrow. Promise.

This guys looks like Joe Montana. But probably isn't. But maybe is! Nah, that's not Joe Montana.

This is what happens when the Giants have three hits through seven and two thirds.

What's the better way to win a baseball game?

The Rockies beat the Dodgers 5-4 in 10 innings last night after blowing a 4-2 9th-inning lead. Manny Ramirez hit a two-out, two-strike single to tie the game in the 9th, and then Troy Tulowitzki singled with the bases full to knock in the winning run an inning later.

Also: Colorado is 18 games over .500. That's the best record in the history of the franchise. Ever. We find that surprising.

Also No. 2: The Rockies are never going to lose again.

Those are the facts of the game. Now we ask you this hypothetical question: If you were a Rockies fan last night, would you have preferred A. the game end in nine, perhaps with a routine grounder to second, or B. the way it did, with a dramatic walk-off hit?

The case for A: Colorado played a solid game through eight innings, so much so that it had a two-run lead for the 9th. Get three quick, easy outs and the Rocks get a satisfying win and save the bullpen (that had pitched a ton in a 14-inning affair the night before).

The case against A: No heroics. A good, solid win might not stick with the team the way a walk-off does, which could build momentum for the next day's game.

The case for B: A walk-off win is the most exciting, dramatic way to win a game. A team can build on the momentum from that leading to a better series.

The case against B: A blown save can negate a good outing from a starter and nullify a well-played game up to that point. There's nothing more frustrating than giving up a lead in the 9th. Extra innings mean more pitches thrown, more fly balls shagged, etc. A longer game can tax players and hurt the team in the upcoming games.

Our vote goes to A. We're all about a clean, well-played game that ends with no suspense. A 4-2 win with a 1-2-3 9th is nearly a perfect game in our book. We wouldn't have been that excited about last night's Rockies win despite the walk-off dramatics. A blown save followed with an extra-inning win is stress on us and taxed energy on the team that we don't want.

Maybe we're wrong on this. Your opinion, please.

This'll make you punch a hole through your motherfucking TV. And your garage door. And then we'll go ahead and break some more shit and kill a kitten

Sure, go ahead and walk Dexter Fowler to lead off the bottom of the 14th in a three-run game AFTER HE'S FOULED A BALL OFF HIS FUCKING KNEECAP AND CAN'T WALK AND SURE AS FUCK DOESN'T WANT TO SWING THE MOTHERFUCKING BAT.

Sure, go ahead and walk pitcher Adam Eaton, who hasn't had an at-bat all fucking season, WITH THE BASES FUCKING LOADED. ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL? THROW THE FUCKING BALL UNDERHAND IF YOU HAVE TO!

This is the worst game in the history of baseball and the history of organized sport. No need to play the rest of the season. Everyone on the Giants should be fired. They can field a team of monkeys against Arizona tonight. The Rockies are going to the playoffs and the Giants are going to hell.

Don't talk to us until football starts.