An interview with Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods returned to the golf course Wednesday as he began the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona. He had been absent for eight months after having major knee surgery. His ethnicity remains a mystery.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Mr. Tiger.
Woods: OK.

TBP: Does anyone ever call you Mr. Tiger?
Woods: Not really.

TBP: Do you think if you ever starred in a porno you'd call yourself Tiger Woody?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you go by Tiger because Eldrick is a fucking weird name?
Woods: No.

TBP: Modern-day medicine, while wonderful, can still be slow. Don't you think it would have been better if they fixed you like they did that guy who was in a liquid tank in Starship Troopers?
Woods: I never saw that movie.

TBP: Were you afraid they were going to botch the surgery?
Woods: Not really.
TBP: What if they did?
Woods: They didn't.

TBP: Did you go to a Jewish hospital?
Woods: Yes.

TBP: Your Wikipedia page says you are one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African American, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch. Don't you think that's a little far-fetched?
Woods: No.

TBP: Do you know Hines Ward?
Woods: No.
TBP: Are you related?
Woods: No.

TBP: Prostitution is a huge industry in Thailand. Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: I was born in California.
TBP: Was your mother a hooker?
Woods: No.

TBP: I would have sex with your wife. Do you think she would have married you if you weren't rich and famous?
Woods: I'd like to think that even if...
TBP: Be honest.
Woods: I am.

TBP: Does Elin like anal?
Woods: That's' none of your business.
TBP: Do you ever role play and dress up as the Hamburglar while she dresses up as Grimace?
Woods: No.

TBP: Are you flattered that men masturbate to pictures of your wife like all the time?
Woods: A little.

TBP: You're a Buddhist. Were you an oppressive dictator in your previous life?
Woods: No.

TBP: On a scale of one to 10, how much do you want to kill Phil Mickelson?
Woods: I don't want to kill him.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Tiger. Good luck in your return.
Woods: All right.

Hot chick wins something, somewhere...

...And that's apparently a big deal. Because now people will completely forget that Natalie Gulbis is a babe and recognize her strictly for her golf skills.

So goes the first two sentences in this AP story:

Natalie Gulbis finally can be known for winning, too.

Famous mostly for her looks through five-plus seasons on tour, Gulbis broke through Sunday, winning her first LPGA Tour title blah blah blah.

We choose not to acknowledge golf and to especially acknowledge hot chicks. So here's to Natalie Gulbis being nothing more than a hot chick who handles a nine-iron. Sha-wing.

And here are some more pictures of Gulbis to erase any thought of golf from your mind.

(The stuff you could give two shits about: Gulbis won her first LPGA Tour title at the Evian Masters, beating some un-hot broad on the first hole of a playoff. Gulbis had a final round 70. Afterwards she may or may not have masturbated).