Tiger Woods' new home is big, ugly

Tiger Woods has lots of money, little architecture experience and a wife who is hot. That last part doesn't have much to do with anything. But Woods is spending lots of money to build what appears to be a greenhouse. Or a motel.

Is there any wonder that golfer Tiger Woods had everybody working on his new ocean-to-Intracoastal homestead on Jupiter Island sign a confidentiality agreement? I mean, look at this place! It's a cross between a discount motel and a beachside nursing home! But hey, from what I've been told, Woods' Swedish missus, Elin Nordegren, has been calling the shots on this one. Woods in 2006 bought four adjacent properties on the tony island for a Martin County record $44.5 million. The then tore down the existing homes, including a classic-looking manse.

Missing: an indoor mini-golf course.


[Page 2 Live via Ben Maller]

Square up the shoulders, drive through the ball carrier...

And a fantastic tackle! Helmet sticker for that one.

While these uniforms look nothing alike, we imagine this will be the example cited the next time both teams want to wear dark jerseys.

Note the reaction at the 32-second mark. Fantastic stuff. Truly fantastic!

[Deadspin via Hot Clicks]

Cockfighting, rain in Seattle

Seasonal Affect Disorder is big in Seattle; the rain, cold and gray adds up and causes legitimate unhappiness. A man busted for a cockfighting ring has nothing to do with that.

A South Seattle man accused of raising roosters for an alleged cockfighting ring has been charged.

According to the statement of probable cause, several of the seized roosters had alterations to their body, including wattles, combs and earlobes removed, and one or both of he spurs cut. These alterations are "consistent with those made on birds trained and used in cockfighting," investigators said.

Also found at the home were knives, sparring muffs, tools, medical supplies, iron-enriched vitamins and supplements -- all supplies often used by those who organize or participate in cockfighting rings. Along with the paraphernalia, officers found a dismembered chicken foot "that appeared to be used for practice in applying the knifes," the statement said.

Um, better than dogs? Let the Michael Vick jokes begin. (Seriously, though, there is nothing funny about cockfighting. That's pretty fucked up. Wonder who won?)

A Rabbi, ejection and Madison Square Garden; somehow Isiah Thomas not involved

Preseason game between the Knicks and Maccabi Tel Aviv. The Tel Aviv coach gets t'ed up twice: immediate ejection. But he was enjoying New York, his team was playing well and he just didn't want to leave. So, fuck it! He didn't.

The New York Knicks' 106-91 victory over the Euroleague team featured a bizarre delay in the third quarter when the visiting coach refused to leave after he was ejected.

The game was halted about 8 minutes when Pini Gershon continued to linger near Maccabi's bench -- a delay that included a rabbi trying to intervene by asking the NBA's replacement referees calling the game to allow Gershon to stay.

Rabbi's do it all. Perform a Bar Mitzvah, preside over a marriage, give a coach a get-out-of-jail-free card. Now if only they can start delivering wins.

Who needs Monster.com when you have Red River Shootout tickets?

We've all been there: recent college grads, ready to take on the world, only to realize that college taught you how to drink, cram and use the fuck out of your hi-liter. And not much in the way of how to find a job.

So when this creative Oklahoma grad got his hand on some Red River Shootout tickets, he knew he had some leverage.

TRADE: My OU/Texas Tickets for a job…... Tickets are on the Oklahoma side. Great seats valued at approximately $600!!! Game is at the Cotton Bowl October 17, 2009 at 11:00am.

What I want is new job/career… So my offer to you is…. If I land a position with my desired pay/benefits by October 16, as a direct result of your assistance or referral, my tickets to the Red River Shootout will be yours for $1 as a thank you. I am hoping someone will appreciate my creativity and give me a shot. I am confident I will not disappoint. If you would like to know more about who I am before considering my offer, see my brief bio/resume below.

Actual resume is available if you present a valid offer. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This guy will be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by the time he's 30. Bold move buddy. Best of luck...

Meanwhile, we, ugh, have season tickets to the San Francisco Giants. Club Level, behind home plate...

[Via Hot Clicks]

Why Pasta Pomodoro totally sucks at being a restaurant

Hey kids, JMC here to tell you a cautionary tale: don't go to fucking Pasta fucking Pomodoro.

A few weeks back it was my girlfriend's birthday. She wasn't too happy about it either. You know, getting older can kinda make people grumpy. So the day was pretty much doomed to begin with because when my girlfriend is unhappy it makes the grim reaper look like a kitten and going to war in Iraq sound pretty fun.

We spent most of the day hungover having been to a pretty great wedding the night before, and never ended up doing much. I kept asking her (for weeks ahead of time) what she wanted to do and she never came up with anything. So finally here we are on the big day and we're having breakfast wraps at Starbucks and sitting on the couch most of the day. I took the day off work for this?

So dinner time rolls around and of course she hasn't decided where to go and doesn't want me to take her out to a nice restaurant because she's not feeling that great and is unhappy so why waste a nice dinner? Fuck me with a blunt object. Next thing I know she decides we're going to Pasta Pomodoro because she has a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert.

I fucking hate Pasta Pomodoro. The food is only okay, the service is mediocre, and the ambiance is nothing to write home about. And then it costs 40 bucks. But that's where we're going because she for some reason likes it. It must be the bread. The bread and that dipping sauce are actually pretty bomb.

So we drive out to PP (I'm calling it that from now on because it's less typing), and get a table. Luckily there was no wait. If there was a wait I probably would have jumped in front of a car. We sit down, eat the bread (best part of the night) and peruse the menu. We choose our entrees and then pick the polenta for our free appetizer. The waitress isn't nearly cute enough to get away with being as annoying as she is but manages to apparently take our order correctly. Of course I think we were sitting there for like five minutes before we had waters. Fucking PP. So we're sitting there and not really talking about anything and finally the food comes, except they fucked up and the polenta doesn't come out first. It is an appetizer, it is supposed to keep us from eating our napkins while we wait for the real food, it should be out there first. PP sucks.

They bring the polenta and the main course at the same time, or maybe the polenta was after the main course, either way it was fucked up. I'm at this point ready to go on Yelp and give this shit-hole zero stars or however you rank shit on Yelp. So my dinner is fine but of course there's something wrong with hers. She, in an effort to always make life more difficult, of course asked for her shit to be prepared in some special way, extra creamy sauce or something. And they gave her regular creamy sauce. She fucking sends it back. So we start eating the polenta and my food. My food is fine, but I could probably make pasta that's just as good at home for 12 cents. We try the polenta. It's bland and not very good but fine. The girlfriend decides there's something wrong with it and it's awful and horrible and can't be right. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this polenta except for the fact that it's polenta from PP and PP pretty much sucks so of course the polenta is going to be mediocre. But she's convinced there's something wrong with it and fucking sends it back. They offer to make it again and she declines. Her food comes back and this time it's right. She then eats two thirds of her dinner and decides to take the rest home.

So the waitress acts like a ditz, sort of apologizes for fucking up our whole dinner, and then sends the manager over. She also is not cute enough. She offers us free dessert in place of the crappy appetizer. The girlfriend declines. She then asks the manager to take something off the bill, and the manager says her entree will be free. Great, we can get the fuck out of this shitty restaurant. But wait, where's the leftover pasta? The waitress has taken it away instead of bringing a box. My girlfriend is on the verge of tears. I am ready to find a steak knife and tear open my abdomen. The waitress says she must have thrown it out, but she'll make us a new entree. Then she goes in the back and comes back out with the leftovers in a box. Its a miracle! She didn't throw it out after all. She probably just took it out of the garbage. And then spit in it. And got Karl with a K to jerk off into it. And then Karl with a K spit in it too.

So I pay the bill, which at this point is like 10 bucks since its just for one entree, score, and we get the fuck out. Great fucking birthday. Fuck you Pasta Pomodoro.

We really want to make jokes about this, but internal bleeding of the testicle is no laughing matter

Be grateful you woke up this morning and your junk was intact and working properly. Because Adrian Beltre's won't be for some time.

Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre injured his testicle last night after a groundball took a bad hop and hit him in the groin area. No, he does not wear a protective cup.

There was some tearing of the testicle and apparently is some internal bleeding in there. The team is going to wait a bit to see whether he requires surgery. If the surgery was to take place, he would need a month's recovery time. If there's no surgery, he'd need about 10 days to two weeks.

TEARING?!?! INTERNAL BLEEDING!?!? Testicles aren't supposed to absorb that kind of punishment. Gentle cupping and stroking is all the treatment they need.

"You're outta here!" No, ALL of you

Give prep umpire Don Briggs some credit, the man knows how to take control of a precarious situation. During a high school game last week in West Burlington, Iowa, the crowd became unruly after a disputed play at the plate. So he did what any high school ump would do: He ejected the entire crowd.

We'll let the AP explain:

An umpire emptied the stands at a high school baseball game, ejecting the entire crowd of more than 100 fans for being unruly.

Fucking love the AP. So concise.

Briggs then called the police and convened with the school's superintendent, both coaches and the other umps, and after a 40-minute delay it was agreed the fans could return, under the condition that any negative comments made could result in ejection and a disorderly conduct charge.

Sounds reasonable, sure. Thing is, neither the superintendent nor the cops saw any bad behavior by the fans whatsoever. So perhaps Briggs was overreacting just slightly.

Iowa sounds so damned fun, doesn't it!? And hey, West Burlington won, 12-11. So everyone went home happy.

Meet Eri Yoshida, the 17-year-old Japanese professional baseball player who throws a knuckleball (not very well) and is sorta cute (but not really)

That smiling mug to the right is of 17-year-old Eri Yoshida, Japan's first female professional baseball player. She plays for the Cruise 9's of the four-team Kansai Independent League where she took a loss this weekend while struggling to command her sidearmed knuckle ball.

THERE'S A 17-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE GIRL WHO PLAYS PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL AND THROWS A KNUCKLEBALL?!?! SIDEARM!?!? THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME!!! BUT SHE SORTA SUCKS. AND SHE'S ONLY FIVE FEET. THAT'S OK, THOUGH. SHE'S A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL PLAYING PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL IN JAPAN AND THROWS A SIDEARM KNUCKLEBALL!! WE ARE IN FUCKING LOVE WITH ERI YOSHIDA!! THIS GIRL IS SOOOOO COOL!!!

But she probably likes Hello Kitty. That sucks.

Ducks go duck-hunting. IRONY!

It's the offseason, they're coming off an 8-23 season and, jeez, freshmen will be freshmen. It's just how things go for the Oregon Ducks.

But when three Oregon freshmen basketball players decided that a fun activity might be to go hunting...for fucking Ducks, one can only help but chuckle.

Oregon put out this release, short on specifics, on Tuesday regarding Ernie Kent’s punishment for the Ducks who shot at ducks in Alton Baker Park. We’re pursuing more details, but this is it for now. Meanwhile, the three are due in Eugene Municipal Court on Friday.

This would still probably be funny if these guys were on, say, Oregon State, instead of Oregon. Kids shooting at Ducks is inherently funny, yet bad. Tsk, tsk. But Ducks shooting ducks. Fantastic.

A-Rod likes his women in lingerie

Nice little tidbit from Page Six about our little steroid-hip-surgery friend and his taste for lingerie and strippers, though the strippers don't directly have anything to do with this post.

Alex Rodriguez knows how to treat the various women in his life: "He's been going into Victoria's Secret for the last seven months and buying $1,000 gift cards, sometimes five or six at a time. He must be giving them out like candy."

But to who? Or is it whom? Either way.

A-Rod and Cynthia have been divorced since late September, meaning he's been buying some presents for other women since then. Madonna? That stripper friend of his? Jeter?

The way we read that quote, we infer that the "five or six at a time" line means he's got an entourage of pussy that he's covering up with the finest lace and cotton on the lingerie market.

[NY Post via Ben Maller]

Naked bike riding is good for the Earth

The World Naked Bike Ride kicked off this weekend in Australia and South Africa with many people taking off their clothes and riding bikes which sounds sort of like this porno we once saw that didn't involve bicycles.

Thousands of bike riders are shedding their clothes in the hopes that they can get us all to stop and think about the negative effects that cars (and the pollution they create) have on people and the planet.

The economy currently has many negative effects on the world, too, so to rectify that, Tuesday is go-to-work naked day. (Good day to work at Hooters, bad day to work at a boys-only Catholic school).

Naturally, the WNBR has a frequently asked questions page ranging from the practical, "Won't it hurt my genitals?" to the missing-the-point, "What should I wear?"

The WNBR is going on in the Southern Hemisphere right now but will be hitting New York and LA in mid June. Get your bicycles and genitals ready!

Mowwage...Mowwage is wot bwings us together

Hall of Famer Ernie Banks is perhaps the greatest Cub ever and has arguably the best baseball quote in history.

Now he's on his way to getting certified to wed people -- the true Cubbie way.

Legendary Cubbie Ernie Banks was being very foxy loxy while huddling at Harry Caray's eatery last week with former White Sox slugger Ron Kittle, who has a license to marry people.

The kicker: Banks wanted to know how to get certified -- so he could perform wedding ceremonies at Wrigley Field!

This came from Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed who isn't a male sportswriter but rather an aging female columnist who looks like Gary Busey.

This post's headline? The Princess Bride, of course.

[Source: Ben Maller]

You land one plane...

Fun tidbit out of Milwaukee. But first a quick tangent:

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact, it was originally an Algonquin term meaning "the good land."

Ah yes, the good land.

Anyway, one of the pilots who miraculously landed that airplane in the Hudson is getting honored the best way baseball fans know how:

Jeff Skiles, the first officer of US Airways flight 1549 that made an emergency landing in the Hudson River on Jan. 15, will throw out the first pitch at Miller Park for the Milwaukee Brewers' home opener on Friday, April 10.

“Jeff Skiles is a great representative of the state of Wisconsin,” said Rick Schlesinger, the team's executive vice president for business operations. “We are honored to have Jeff throw out the first pitch on Opening Day.”

A Wisconsin native, Skiles has flown for US Airways for 23 years. Skiles, 49, graduated from the University of Wisconsin in 1984 and majored in geology and geophysics.

So that's what you do with a degree in Geology.

The Brewers getting Skiles to throw out the first pitch is a major splash. (Get it?! Get it?!) Not like the White Sox were able to get a big-name person on Opening Day.

Former Central Michigan women's basketball player sues coach for not being a lesbian

There are stories in the sports world that make you pause, scratch your head, maybe your balls too and say, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?"

This one might go beyond all of those. This story out of Mount Pleasant, Mich. is fun for all ages, all ethnicities and all sexualities. OK, maybe not all sexualities.

Central Michigan and its women's basketball coach are being sued by a former player, who claims her heterosexuality was a factor in losing a scholarship after two seasons.

Brooke Heike said she fell out of favor with Sue Guevara immediately after the coach was hired in 2007.

Heike said Guevara told her she wore too much makeup and was not the coach's "type." That meant she wasn't a lesbian, according to a lawsuit filed last week in federal court in Bay City.

We remind you that this is women's hoops, not rugby or field hockey. Straight people need their rights, too, dammit!

Oh. Right. This seems backwards.

Red Sox movie to become official movie of the commonwealth?

There are bad decisions and horrible ones. This seems to fall somewhere in the middle.

Massachusetts Rep. William Brownsberger hasn't seen "Fever Pitch," but that hasn't stopped him from making a pitch to have the 2005 Red Sox flick starring Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon named the official movie of the commonwealth.

All right, Bill. Can we call you Bill? Go see "Fever Pitch." If you then decide to make it an official anything, we'll be shocked.

Jimmy Fallon would be better off writing and Drew Barrymore used to ride the short bus. So to pair them in a romantic comedy around the Red Sox seems like a pretty solid idea. It's about as good of an idea as making a coming-of-age comedy about a peanut butter sandwich. (Jack Black would play the peanut butter, Dane Cook the jelly. Naturally).

[Boston Herald via Ben Maller].

Hey, at least Dad cares

Maybe Dad isn't going to all the games, helping with homework or paying child support. But, damn, he's sure willing to break the law to help his son get better at sports by giving him the juice.

GILBERTVILLE, Iowa (AP) -- A Mason City man, Todd Gerleman, has been arrested for giving his teenage son anabolic steroids to motivate him about sports.

Authorities say the investigation began after Gerleman's 14-year-old son assaulted his mother at her Gilbertville home on Nov. 19. Officers who responded to the home found a syringe and 105 pills in the boy's bedroom.

See. It's not like steroids have negative side affects such as aggression, liver damage and smaller testicles.

But, hey, thanks Dad. All we ever got was good advice, financial support and loving care.

Mark Sanchez is, like, really good

(Click for larger view)

We all know that USC's offense can be pretty potent and that Notre Dame could give up 30+ points to many Pop Warner teams. But USC quarterback Mark Sanchez, according to ESPN GameCast, had a really big night throwing the football.

And Sanchez made plays when they counted. On a crucial 3rd and 8 early in the game, Sanchez connected with Damien Williams for, oh, 2.7 miles. They must've sent Williams on a Go route.

The strange thing -- not the 4,813-yard completion --was that it was an out-0f-bounds touchdown. Truly brilliant. When things are going well...

[Tug job: Dr. Saturday]

Rabbi wins date with Oksana Baiul and her penis

A New York rabbi won ice skater Oksana Baiul at an auction and will likely try to have sex with her, which sounds sort of like prostitution.

What's a date with ice skating queen Oksana Baiul worth? To an Upper West Side rabbi, $2,500. At the other night's Spicerack Fashion Show, host Ray Ellin auctioned off a dinner date with the Ukrainian, who was celebrating her 31st birthday. The winning bidder, a 40-something rabbi, said, "Well, I'm single, it's for charity, and she seems like a nice Jewish girl. I guess I'm the luckiest guy in my congregation."

That's exactly what the rabbi is looking for: a nice Jewish girl. Or some hot, steamy, expensive sex. Take that, celibacy! Who wouldn't want to bump uglies with this hot, sultry...

Wait a sec. Oksana Baiul looks like a man. Like what the fuck? Didn't she used to be hot? She looks like she got steamrolled by an ugly machine. And then she was beaten with a series of blunt objects. And then maybe she suffered some scarring. And maybe she's an amputee. And she might have a penis.

[NY Post via Ben Maller]

Texas Tech basketball scores 167 points; Harrell throws 11 TDs

This is a real college basketball score in a regulation 40-minute game, played on a regulation-sized court with five players on each side who breathe oxygen and put on their pants one leg at a time:

Texas Tech 167, East Central, 116

Forty minute game. Five players a side. No quarterbacks and wide receivers and seven-point plays.

East Central, for those of you not up on your East Central sports news, is the Tigers. They're from Ada, Oklahoma, which, as you'd expect, is in the east central part of the state. And they sound like a high school team in a Disney movie.

They're not and they gave up 167 points in a college basketball game with two baskets and one ball.