Wait, what the fuck? Joe Saunders is a lefty?

We've had Joe Saunders and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers on our fantasy for the last two years. That's perhaps the first question:

1. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

The second question would be:

2. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

We'd like you to know that we're in eighth place (out of 10 teams) in our league, meaning we're fucking awesomer than two other team. Joe Saunders, and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers, is responsible for that.

All this time, though, we thought he was a slightly taller, less fat version of Kevin Appier who knew better than to play for Kansas City. Turns out we were wrong on all accounts.

It seems that he's about equally as tall and fat as Kevin Appier but HE'S LEFT FUCKING HANDED! How could this have possibly slipped through the cracks of our baseball wisdom.

Call us bad baseball brainiacs. Or National League fans.

5 Fantasy Baseball players you want to bludgeon with, well, a baseball bat

Two fantasy posts in one week? What are we? Baseball Prospectus? Oh, heavens, no. We have far less credibility, money and stale writing. But yes, two fantasy posts in one week. That's what happens in May when you refuse to touch the NBA Playoffs.

Clearly our fantasy team sucks more dick than a pornstar, so one of these guys is naturally on our team; surprisingly not more. The top five guys who are ruining your fantasy team (stats through Monday):

5. Lance Berkman, OF, Houston, Average Pick 20.4:


Berkman fell to you in the third round and despite taking Grady Sizemore in the first round, you had to take a second outfielder because you went with the best player available. Instead, you have a .184 average, seven homers, and 16 RBI. But cool catch, dude.

4. Josh Hamilton, OF, Texas, Average Pick 9.9:


No alcohol or cocaine jokes here. The .242 average, two homers and 10 RBI are funny enough. More of a laughing matter: Hamilton missed the last two weeks with strained rib cage. (He'll be back any day now).

3. B.J. Upton, OF, Tampa Bay, Average Pick 17.1:


We could easily go the B.J. ain't getting any BJs with a .167 average, no homeruns and three RBI route, but instead we'll suggest he needs the extra BP and maybe a new set of batting gloves.

2. Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees, Average Pick 12.5:


New contract, new ballpark, new struggles. $180 million now buys a .198 average, seven homers and 17 RBI.

1. Jimmy Rollins, SS, Philadelphia, Average Pick 13.4:


If the umpire had Rollins on his fantasy team like we do, he'd call that pitch a strike. A .195 average, one homer and only one stolen base make Rollins the top bust of the early 2009 season. We spent a first-round pick on him; others did too. And now we want to beat him with a rosin bag.

Your praise, hate-filled disagreement and fantasy angst in the comments, please.

Why your fantasy team sucks

My fantasy team sucks. This isn't going to be a "My Fantasy Team Sucks" post. But my fantasy team fucking sucks. I just picked up Joel Hanrahan because he got a save Saturday and I feel like he might be the difference in me being a bad team and being a mediocre team. My team is that fucking dreadful right now that picking up Joel Hanrahan is warping my mind. I also fear dropping Andy Pettitte because Joel Hanrahan has warped my mind thinking that Andy Pettitte is still a good pitcher.

In the main three fantasy sports, you often have these moments -- much like picking up Joel Hanrahan and feeling good about it -- where you realize down the road that your team is just terrible. Like you can't believe that a knowledgeable sports fan like yourself could possibly draft and manage a team that is this bad. You've hit rock bottom and have become desperate.

To help us all rationalize with a good laugh, here's a list of desperate moves and characteristics of shitty fantasy teams that will put in perspective just how bad your fantasy team really is.

Fantasy Baseball:

-Having a middle reliever in one of your RP slots
-Carrying Tim Wakefield's catcher
-Juan Pierre
-Having an N/A on your roster in hopes he'll help you out later on. (Ed. note: I had Barry Bonds all of last season).
-Trying to trade for Manny Ramirez despite a lengthy suspension. Hey, bargain shopping!
-Juan Pierre
-Having more than one Washington National on your team (Ed. note: I have two).
-Drafting and refusing to drop Mark Prior thinking this is finally the year he gets back to his 2003 form.

Fantasy Football:

-Starting a QB on a bye because Brian Griese would get you negative points
-Playing a second tight end in your TE/WR slot
-Starting a fullback in one of your RB slots
-Drafting Brett Favre this season as a late-round steal
-Carrying two kickers or two defenses
-Thinking this is the year that Denver won't platoon running backs

Fantasy Basketball:

-Starting a backup center who gets blocks; Theo Ratliff was born for this.
-Having a FT% specialist
-For head-to-head leagues: Benching Kobe late in the week to try to win the Turnovers category.

Your characteristics of a shitty fantasy team in the comments, please.