Monday, May 11, 2009

Why your fantasy team sucks

My fantasy team sucks. This isn't going to be a "My Fantasy Team Sucks" post. But my fantasy team fucking sucks. I just picked up Joel Hanrahan because he got a save Saturday and I feel like he might be the difference in me being a bad team and being a mediocre team. My team is that fucking dreadful right now that picking up Joel Hanrahan is warping my mind. I also fear dropping Andy Pettitte because Joel Hanrahan has warped my mind thinking that Andy Pettitte is still a good pitcher.

In the main three fantasy sports, you often have these moments -- much like picking up Joel Hanrahan and feeling good about it -- where you realize down the road that your team is just terrible. Like you can't believe that a knowledgeable sports fan like yourself could possibly draft and manage a team that is this bad. You've hit rock bottom and have become desperate.

To help us all rationalize with a good laugh, here's a list of desperate moves and characteristics of shitty fantasy teams that will put in perspective just how bad your fantasy team really is.

Fantasy Baseball:

-Having a middle reliever in one of your RP slots
-Carrying Tim Wakefield's catcher
-Juan Pierre
-Having an N/A on your roster in hopes he'll help you out later on. (Ed. note: I had Barry Bonds all of last season).
-Trying to trade for Manny Ramirez despite a lengthy suspension. Hey, bargain shopping!
-Juan Pierre
-Having more than one Washington National on your team (Ed. note: I have two).
-Drafting and refusing to drop Mark Prior thinking this is finally the year he gets back to his 2003 form.

Fantasy Football:

-Starting a QB on a bye because Brian Griese would get you negative points
-Playing a second tight end in your TE/WR slot
-Starting a fullback in one of your RB slots
-Drafting Brett Favre this season as a late-round steal
-Carrying two kickers or two defenses
-Thinking this is the year that Denver won't platoon running backs

Fantasy Basketball:

-Starting a backup center who gets blocks; Theo Ratliff was born for this.
-Having a FT% specialist
-For head-to-head leagues: Benching Kobe late in the week to try to win the Turnovers category.

Your characteristics of a shitty fantasy team in the comments, please.


JMC said...

at least you get to play my awful team this week. You're already way ahead of me in the standings too...

GMoney said...

-Trusting Mike Shanahan at all with any position

-picking up Kyle Korver to improve your 3 pt%

-being the guy that owns Derek Jeter and doesn't realize that he's a bad fantasy player

-drafting guys like Jamie Moyer who go weeks without a strikeout

Mr. Cheekz said...

In what league do you count walks as a stat? Man up, and use OBP or OPS.