College Football teams we can all root against

We're filled with hate. We hate bland food, Gap commercials and many college football teams.

Not really sure why we dislike certain teams -- do we root against uniform, players or both? Probably both. While every college football fan hates their rival, most fans can come together for some community hate.

The top five teams that we all can root against every Saturday:

5. Ohio State


Whether it's Jim Tressel's ridiculous sweater vest, Brutus Buckeye's nonsense or Ohio State just giving us lousy championship games far too often, the Buckeyes are worth rooting against just so we don't have to see them an SEC team after the new year.

4. Alabama


Between Nick Saban being an asshole and a Golden Retriever being able to successfully play QB for the Tide, there's nothing likable about this team. Except the numbers on the helmet. That's pretty cool.

3. Florida


Urban Meyer + Tim Tebow + two National Championships in three years (and maybe more) = a lot of hostility from everyone else.

2. USC


It's always been a running joke that LA still has a professional football team and they wear red and gold. We've actually sorta liked a lot of the players that have come through SC and we don't really have any problems with Pete Carroll. Yet when you win seven straight Pac-10 titles, go to seven BCS bowl games in a row and finish in the top five seven straight years, you're going to have a very big X on your back. And what's up with Will Ferrell and Snoop Dogg? Go make Old School 2 already and stay away from the football field.

1. Notre Dame


We really think our biggest problem with the Irish is that the BCS will do anything to get them into a major bowl game. They could be 10-2, with wins over the regular of Michigan State, Stanford, Navy, etc. and go to a premiere game when you leave the likes of Boise State, TCU and Utah out.

And when Brady Quinn is succeeded by Jimmy Clausen, you really just wanna sock Charlie Weis in the gut for recruiting such pompous pricks.

What teams do you root against? Share your hate in the comments...

The Most-Hated Current MLB Players

It's easy to hate. We hate certain players, certain teams and white rice in a burrito. (Looking at you, Chipotle). While every person has a different amount of hate for some people, universal hate is perhaps easier to categorize. For example, we hate Khalil Greene because he notoriously kills the Giants (and looks like he should've been in Point Break.) While in football everyone hates T.O. See the difference? Good.

But let's stick with that universal hate. Naturally, these forms of hate differ and people have their biases. Here's our list of the top five players who you wouldn't mind seeing get a flat tire or Swine Flu. Your list in the comments.

5. Manny Ramirez, Showboat/Lazy Guy, Dodgers


Feel like people didn't care much for Manny as a Red Sox. His work ethic has never been very good and he's relied on his talent and charisma to become a star. Nothing really wrong with that, but, well, fuck that. He's like that guy in your 12th-grade Calculus class who doesn't study for any test and then gets an A. Yeah, Manny is that guy and that guy can go eat a dick.

Oh, and he took 'roids. Nobody really thinks highly of that.

4. Captain Pussyman, Pussy Magnet/Fist-Pumper, Yankees


He's good-looking, rich and successful. He bangs A+ talent and probably turns down girls you'd happily stroke it to. That sucks. If he got a scar resembling the one of Seal that'd probably be best for everyone.

3. A.J. Pierzynski, Mega Asshole/Clubhouse Cancer, White Sox


This guy played a short time for the Giants where he was a clubhouse cancer and the wrong end of one of the most lopsided trades in recent memory (he got sent from the Twins for Joe Nathan and Francisco Liriano).

He's mean, he's got a bad attitude and he's probably a republican. No redeeming qualities here.

2. A-Rod, Cheater (with women and needles), Yankees

He's done steroids, women who aren't his wife and might have herpes. Also seen as a sellout when he left Seattle for $252 million to play for Texas. Seen again as a sellout when he left Texas to play for the Yankees. Also rumored to have fooled around with Madonna which just makes everyone a little uncomfortable.

1. Jonathan Papelbon, Douche Munchkin/Animal Killer/Responsible for Michael Jackson's death, Red Sox


A picture's worth a thousand words.

Fuck you, you cum-guzzling media whore. Go jump in front of a fucking truck.

Brett Favre, pictured, is pretending to be upset about pretending to retire for probably the 84th time.

Brett Favre is worse than Pete Rose. He's worse than Michael Phelps. He's worse than Barry Bonds. He's worse than Michael Vick Chris Henry.

Go eat a field of cock you piece of rat shit. I hate you the way Subway hates Quiznos; the way dogs hate cats; the way husbands hate their wives.

Thank you for not being relevant during the football season. This way we can focus on real, actual football while you keep your soap-opera bullshit where the fuck it belongs.

Mount Davis really isn't cool and it sucks and it's awful

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I hate Mount Davis. Not in the “sports hate/I don’t really hate this” kind of way. I flat out HATE Mount Davis.

I was born an A’s fan in 1987 when I went with my preschool playground and sat in the right-field bleachers watching A’s baseball. This was one of the purest experiences of baseball: sitting on metallic or wooden benches elbow-to-elbow with your fellow fans in the warm afternoon sun. This is what makes Wrigley the greatest party alive and makes me envious every time I watch a 1:20 CST Cubs game on WGN. Sauced up Cubs fans sitting on ancient wooden benches surrounded by a basket with ivy below them.

The Oakland version of this was metallic bleachers with a combination of ice plants and the Oakland hills in the background. My childhood is built around memories of this Oakland Alameda Coliseum. And in 1996, with one swift and petulant move, Al Davis and his silver jumpsuit squashed it.

It was in that year that the once Oakland Raiders (1960-1981) cut ties with the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum and returned to Oakland. The caveat was this: the Coliseum needed more seats because the triumphant return of the Raiders demanded the now infamous “Personal Seat Licenses.” Bear in mind that these were not the Raiders of Kenny Stabler, Fred Biletnikoff, Dave Casper, or Cliff Branch. I can’t even tell you who was on the 1996 Oakland Raiders. I’m not sure George Atkinson or Greg Poppa could. Nevertheless, Al had to have an extra two decks of seats and pull-out bleachers.

Since 1996, the best season the Raiders had was 2002 when they went to the Super Bowl and lost to Chucky Gruden and the Bucs. Since 1996, I have had to stare at two decks of seats primarily empty each night at the Coliseum. The only time I saw a giant crowd that filled these seats was an A’s-Giants tilt in 2004 (I believe) when they had 55,000 and change. A’s attendance hasn’t been stellar since and in general isn’t for a variety. I could harp on Schott and Hoffman or Billy Beane’s trading prowess, or even “the tarps.” I can’t speak with great expertise on these subjects but I can say this: the Coliseum changed when the Raiders moved back.

A prime example occurred a month or so ago when MLB network showed the 1989 ALCS. There, in all its glory, was the Oakland Alameda Coliseum as I remembered it. Green grass, ice plants, metallic bleachers, and views of the Oakland hills all in the afternoon sun. As I watched the game, which I didn’t remember because A) I was six at the time and B) I was in school and not at the game, I got nostalgic and angry. I wanted my Coliseum. I wanted the metallic bleachers, the Oakland hills, and the ice plants. Sure, I wanted Rickey in left, Hendu in center, and even Jose “Juiced” Cancesco in right.

We can argue forever about what to do about the A’s stadium issue. As someone who hopes to one day take his son to the Coliseum, either demolish the Mountain or give me a ballpark in the old vision of diamond-shaped stands and a completely open outfield bleachers. Please.

Sports Hate

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I have always been cautious to say that I “hate” a team or a player. Hate -- I have always thought -- was the singular domain of people or things you truly despised: illegal wars, Republicans, the cast of The Hills, that kind of thing. That being said, reading a recent column by Bill Simmons, I came across the phrase “sports hate.” I felt this phrase allowed me the opportunity to properly classify all the disgusts I’ve ever had with a team, player or group of fans.

I could list out each and every one of these and I would like to think that I would go on forever, but I will try to confine it to one general area: Los Angeles. As a Bay Area native, I have had an almost inborn “sports hate” of Los Angeles. When I was five years old, I watched Kirk Gibson and the Los Angeles Dodgers beat the “Bash Brothers” and the 1988 Oakland A’s. Yes, I know that Canseco and McGwire juiced and I’m still angry. My “sports hate” lay dormant in terms of Los Angeles until the “Los Angeles California Angels of Orange County near the 55 and the 5” and the Oakland A’s became rivals starting in 2002.

My “sports hate” for the “Los Angeles California Angels of Orange County near the 55 and the 5” crystallized for me every time I watched Francisco Rodriguez pitch. I “sport hated” every gesticulation he made so much that I not only relished beating him but took to referring to him as a “petulant child.” Any A’s fan who remembers Jason Kendall racing home after Rodriguez got squeezed on a curveball on a Wednesday afternoon at the Coliseum knows what I talking about and is smiling. The other particulars are John Lackey and Darin Erstad but I’ll spare them -- for now.

I’ll end with a fresh wound: the Anaheim Ducks and their fans. I am not an old school San Jose Sharks fan. I don’t remember them coming into the league in 1991 or that they played at the Cow Palace. My early hockey knowledge starts with seeing the back of Toronto Maple Leaf enforcer Wendel Clark’s jersey with a blue “17” and the name “Clark” on the back. In the past year plus, however, I have jumped in with both feet. Watching Game 6 of the Western Conference semifinals last year only bolstered this enjoyment. This year, I watched almost every Sharks game and was fully fired up to watch the Sharks dismantle the Ducks. Instead, I watched as Ducks “fans” celebrated goals in the deciding Game 6. As I watched, I seethed with “sports hate.” I refused to believe these people were hockey fans or that they could name the “original 6.” (Toronto, Montreal, Boston, Detroit, Chicago, and the New York Rangers).

This, then is the LA sports “fan” a front-running bunch who know little to nothing about the details. BEAT LA! (And share your sports-hate, ugh, hate in the comments).

You fucked a girl waaaay out of your league, you got a promotion and your fantasy is fucking killing; yet two hours of traffic erased all of that

On my way back from the gym I have to take this major, two-lane surface street that has more fucking traffic signals than I have pubic hairs. One of the lights is at a major intersection and I swear if you hit the light right as it's turning red you can get through an entire Guns N' Roses song before the light turns green. And not one of their short, shitty songs. I'm talking about one of their fucking ballads, like "November Rain" or the vastly underrated "Estranged."

No car was directly in front of me as I was approaching this intersection yesterday. I saw that handy "it's safe to cross the street and you won't get hit by a car but you better not take your fucking time if someone's trying to make a right turn" timer counting down, which is great for timing traffic lights. The timer was at four and I was totally gonna make it. Then some fuck in Subaru -- they're always in a fucking Subaru -- cuts me off, drives through the light and I'm stuck with eight minutes of G&R.

If there's anything that can instantly change my mood, it's missing all of the lights on this street or being stuck in traffic. I know you're going, "Blah blah blah just another jackass that hates traffic. EVERYBODY HATES TRAFFIC YOU HATE-FILLED ASSHOLE!" but think about how much traffic really sucks. There is no silver lining to traffic. There is no upside. No potential. (Not that I'm excited about the draft or anything).

Remember that scene from Falling Down where Michael Douglas is sitting in his car on a hot day, a fly buzzing in the car, beads of sweat on his forehead and he drives like 10 feet in 20 minutes then fucking loses it, abandons his car on the freeway and proceeds to kill a bunch of people? That movie was pretty awesome. But traffic -- Michael Douglas was also in the movie Traffic -- turns a normal man into a killing machine! TRAFFIC IS THAT FUCKING AWFUL!

Your hate-filled traffic stories encouraged in the comments. Please don't pull a Michael Douglas. That wouldn't be very good at all.

Aw fack

Go fack yahself Bahltimawh. And fack you Mahami. Fackin' queehs.

Aw fack it. At least we gawt the Sahwks.

The NFL has so much money. Like what the fuck? Like Pro Bowlers get even more money?! Are you fucking serious?! Fuck.

The Pro Bowl is bullshit anyway -- though it doesn't need to be -- and it's a meaningless game that's more flawed than the people who allowed "Norbit" to be made.

And while a free trip to Hawaii isn't enough, the players on the winning team each receive $40,000. Are you fucking serious?! Because multi-million dollar contracts don't cut it, hey, take a free trip to Hawaii, play just hard enough to scratch out a win, and we'll give you 40 grand for the hassle. Sincerely, The NFL.

Fuck. That's a lot of money. Even if you lose, you get 20k. That could buy a shit load of tacos at Jack in the Box.

And with a $40,000 bonus, just winning the Pro Bowl gives these NFLers more money in three hours than the following professionals make in a year:

-High school teachers
-Journalists
-Nurses
-Bloggers
-Government officials

We suppose the NFL throwing around money is no surprise, but this seems a bit excessive. And in addition to his 40 g's, Pro Bowl MVP Adrian Peterson was awarded a car. If we saw that vehicle, we'd key the shit out of it.

If Philip Rivers died a famous movie death...

Don't read too much in to that headline. We do not want Philip Rivers to die a tragic, gruesome movie death. Frankly you could insert any athlete/sport figure's name who you dislike for Rivers'.

It's just Rivers is sorta in people's minds and he's really a cock-fuck who can go fuck himself. But, we must reiterate for you literal readers out there: we do not want bad things to happen to Rivers beside multiple interceptions and abstinence. This is just a fun way to talk about some awful things that could fictitiously happen to him in a fictitious movie world.

So here's a list! Everyone loves lists. The top 10 ways to die a famous movie death...

10. Alan Rickman falls from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard.


There's nothing like a long fall for Mr. Rivers. And who better to throw his ass out of a window? John McClane. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. You, Philip, are the motherfucker.

9. Jon Voight gets eaten by an Anaconda in Anaconda.


Makes sense that Rivers, a giant dickbag, gets fucked up by an animal that is often used to describe a gigantic penis. Go eat a dick, Phil. Or, in this case, vice versa.

8. John Travolta gets shot while taking a shit in Pulp Fiction.


Rivers is probably like one of those rich guys in that Family Guy episode who claim his bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls. Except this time, you get pumped full of led while taking your pleasant-smelling dump.

7. Elijah Wood gets his limbs cut off in Sin City.


Wood's character in this surprisingly good movie was annoying as hell and the first thing we said when we saw it was, "it'd be cool if this guy gets his limbs sawed off." Low and behold... But hey, it'd cut down on Rivers interception numbers.

6. Jaws explodes in Jaws.


Jaws was a badass. He probably pulled tons of fish pussy. And he went out epically. Rivers doesn't deserve this hero's fall, but getting your shit blown to eight million pieces is savage.

5. Dennis Hopper gets decapitated in Speed.


Yikes. This is like the one cool thing Keanu Reeves ever did. Phil's IQ seems pretty equivalent to Keanu's -- "if this bus slows down, we are all going to die" -- so a wrestling match on top of a speeding train would be pretty entertaining.

4. Steve Buscemi gets axed up and put through a wood chipper in Fargo.


This would make it hard to taunt fans...

3. Bad guy's face melts off in Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.


This is one of the scariest scenes in cinema. Holy crap this freaked us out when we were 22. Man, imagine seeing this as a kid. Scary as hell. But Rivers sorta resembles our wide-mouthed friend in the photo above, so his face melting would be the obvious next step.

2. Guy gets curbed in American History X.


This is actually pretty fucked up. Yeah, this wouldn't be funny to joke about.

1. Guy gets heart ripped out in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.


Rivers either doesn't have a heart or it's black and covered in ice. So to call upon the bad guy from Temple of Doom seems appropriate. Pull that shit out and set it on fire. Not like Rivers needs any more fire in him, though.

We're sure we've left some good ones off the list. Yours please in the comments.

Patriots cross the line; and other cheap thoughts without much thought

Bill Belichick and the Patriots pushed us further than we've been pushed in a while. We can't remember the last time a game with no direct ties to our rooting interests bothered us so much. Sure, there were some fantasy football implications (which, lately, has been the cause of instant anger), but this time it was beyond that.

The Pats, late in a rout, were showing no signs of sportsmanship, no signs of remorse, no signs of fucking humanity. They were disrespecting a good team with a better coach. They saw the line, laughed, and crossed it by a fucking mile.

The Pats shouldn't have had Brady in at the start of the fourth quarter. Up 38-0, they certainly shouldn't have had him passing. Then, on fourth and one, you kick the fucking field goal. And once you convert said fourth down they shouldn't have been attempting in the first place, do not keep passing. Fucking ridiculous.

New England then went for it again on fourth down, up 45-0. Forty five to fucking nothing! Call the Mercy Rule or something. And even with Brady out, the Pats were still throwing the ball. We don't give a fuck if they wanted to give the backup work. Run the ball up the middle for three plays and then punt the ball. Anything else is bullshit. Motherfucking, ass-raping bullshit.

In college, where running up the score actually matters for something, you won't see coaches passing up by 40 points. Those collegiate coaches certainly wouldn't go for it on fourth down.

We kept watching, glued to the TV expecting something big to happen. New England's antics were the type that would result in the 'Skins starting a brawl. Seriously. We were waiting for a cheap shot, late hit, helmet-to-helmet. Something. We were curious if Gibbs would still have enough class to shake Belichick's hand after the game. (He did, quickly).

You know -- you just fucking know -- that those cock-sucking Boston fans were rooting for the Pats to run it up too. They wanted 100. There probably wasn't one person in the state of Massachusetts who was thinking that Belichick was taking this one too far.

The statement was made by halftime. When the game was really out of hand late in the third, put in the backups, call dives, off-tackles and fucking QB kneels.

We're very disappointed, and that's not a common emotion of ours. Usually it's as simple as happy, angry or horny. But this went too far. The Patriots used to be a classy organization. Now they're callous assholes who couldn't tell sportsmanship from arrogance.

Fuck you Mr. Belichick. You should be ashamed. May you get hit by a car. Scratch that. Bus. A big fucking bus.

(Here's an article by our former colleague Les Carpenter, now with the Washington Post [Registration required, but do it. It takes 30 seconds and it's worth it]. It hints at what we feel, though most of the players and Gibbs gave the quotes you'd expect, and blamed themselves more than anything).

Meanwhile...

-The lady pictured is British hottie Keely Hazell. After watching the National Football League from London, it's clear that there is only one attractive person in all of England.

-Tony Siragusa's meat of the day: salami.

-Be honest. You thought Cleo Lemon was white.

-Two teams heading in the right direction: Saints and Chargers. Looks like natural disasters can have their positive effects, after all.

-Did David Carr start hanging out in San Francisco's Castro District? That long hair and glove has Lance Bass wet.

-Shannon Sharpe said 11 words clearly during halftime off the Colts-Panthers game. Last week: nine.

-That fucking obnoxious FOX robot? Really Terry Bradshaw.

-Oh, the 49ers have seemingly forgot how to play football. Young Alex Smith and David Carr would be a cute couple.

-With the Pats up by 600, we're still at Gillette Stadium. And while Jacksonville-Tampa is the only legit game going and it's on CBS, you'd think that FOX would at least mention that there is competitive football being played Sunday.

-Vinny Testaverde joke of the day (no, not his stats or us foolishly starting him in one fantasy league): Testaverde hurt, Panthers turn to "Western" medicine.

-At a dinner party next week, when Bob Griese is asked how his son is, he'll reply, "what son?"

-Willie Parker, after multiple 100-yard-no-TD games, has decided that scoring is cool too and got in the endzone. Elsewhere, man walks on moon.

-Were the Brits booing the Giants taking a knee or Eli Manning throwing for 58 yards?

-Seen the movie Smoking Aces? The day a hit is put out for Brady or Belichick the same way it is for Buddy Israel, rain drops will turn to fucking jelly beans.

-We didn't see pictures from the Minnesota-Philly game, but word has it that Kelly Holcomb was playing, so we'll just assume an Eagles win and 78 carries for Adrian Peterson.

Fuck Boston, Part Deux

By request from readers John and Josh...


Fuck the Red Sox.

Game 2 can go eat an asshole. We don't care that Curt Schilling still plays baseball or that Matt Holiday got caught leaning. Sox fans can wipe their pansy-ass smiles off their faces and learn how to fucking talk right.

Fuck Boston College.

Was Doug Fluke-ie playing QB for the Eagles Thursday? This is not good for the purity of college football. Or maybe it is. You know there'll be hell to pay if BC and Ohio State are playing for a National Championship. Meanwhile, No. 32 loves the cock.

Fuck onside kicks

Fuck spelling "calendar" wrong.

Fuck Ben Affleck

Fuck the River Dance

Fuck chowder

Fuck Samuel Adams Boston lager

Fuck those alcoholics who order Sam Adams in the commercial.

Fuck Haaar-vad

Fuck Fleet Bank

Fuck KG

Fuck Bunker Hill

Fuck Aerosmith

Fuck Boston

Fuck the Red Sox.

Enough of their shit. Really. At this point, the Sox are just as bad as the Yankees. Their payroll is second in the Majors and is nearly $100 mil more than that of the Rockies. So -- and stick with us here -- wouldn't a Colorado victory in the World Series be 100 million times more valuable than a Sox win?

Fuck the Patriots.

Go after Brady's fucking knees already. And can't Belichick show some class? Running it up against the hapless Dolphins? Pfft. He'd be the type of high school coach who drops 80 points on that pathetic team which starts all underclassmen and then call his own kids pussies after the game for having to punt twice.

Fuck Boston College.

Beating Georgia Tech is not beating someone. If the Eagles somehow sneak in to the BCS title game, we're gonna have to hire Frank Costello to whack Matt Ryan before kickoff.

Fuck tea.

Fuck the Bean Pot.

Fuck Bill Simmons.

Fuck phony accents.

Fuck Thomas M. Menino. (Don't know who he is? Look it up.)

Fuck the Celtics.

Fuck CITGO.

Fuck Fever Pitch.

And, somehow, we think Johnny Damon must be to blame for all of this.

And please, feel free to leave your own hate in the comments. Get it all out, people. It's therapeutic. Really.

Teams we can all root against

It doesn't matter what city they're in, what sport they play, or what uniforms they wear. Certain teams fucking suck. And there are a lot of teams out there who, we believe, everyone can collectively hate.

So we put together a list -- organized by sport -- of some teams that we think we can all root against together.

Call us out in the comments if we're way off. And, of course, leave your thoughts on the teams you personally hate (think: geographical reasons). Our list of teams we hate will lead things off.

Let the hate begin...

MLB:

Red Sox - Most obnoxious fans, evah. Fack you, ya facking queers.
Yankees - Like we need a reason.

NFL:

Patriots - See Red Sox comment. And Brady's a cockweasel.
Cowboys - You just know the owner of America's Team was once a card-carrying member of the KKK.

NBA:

Lakers - Yeah, ugh, Kobe raped somebody.

College football:

Notre Dame - Who's on your side now, bitch?
Alabama - Really it's just Nick Saban people hate. He's a cunt.

College basketball:

Duke - A few reasons: Laettner. Hurley. Battier. Redick. Coach K.
North Carolina - Powder blue is a fucking girl's color.

All right, folks. Spew your hate in the comments...