Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

What have we here? The Cardinals won?! On the road?! Against the Rams?! Strange, indeed. Arizona beat St. Louis 34-20, keeping Green's ass cool for another week.

The win couldn't have been the work of Edgerrin James, who's at the top of our list of "people single-handedly fucking our fantasy team." While James had a decent game yardage wise, it was his counterpart, Marcel Shipp, who was scoring on (and probably off) the field.

And thanks to Marcel, Green's proverbial ship is still afloat.

Green, who was pushed all the way to the brink last weekend, getting a Queen Level Ranking, has settled down this week with the nice win. He's moving in the right direction as he gets the Princess Level Ranking this time around.

But Green is no Princess Leia. Leia is at the top of the Princess hierarchy as the sexy bitch has every guy rocking with that get-up she wore when chillin' with Jabba the Hutt. He's more of a Princess Padme, who's rigid and falls in love with the Dark Side.

While Green's sitting pretty (or prettier) this week, he's not out of the woods yet.

In other news: The Eagles beat the Panthers 27-24 Monday, as Philadelphia QB Jeff Garcia outed Carolina's defense.

4 comments:

JMC said...

Padme was the Queen. Actually, Padme was the Queen in disguise. When she was the Queen her name was Amidala. Other than that, though, great analogy!

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

shit, knew i'd fuck that up.

JMC said...

you can always count on me for nerd-related information

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