Monday, August 31, 2009

Hey, Paul Byrd's back in the bigs! And he'll clean toilets if he has to!


A big welcome back to pitcher Paul Byrd and his super-cool windup. Byrd, who hadn't pitched since last September, fired six scoreless innings for Boston in yesterday's win.

And after the game, he reminded us why people missed Paul Byrd (we don't think people actually missed Paul Byrd. But maybe some did. We did. Paul Byrd is our favorite pitcher in the history of pitchers. That's probably an overstatement but we're writing this Sunday night and we think there's a woodpecker inside our head. A really pissed-off woodpecker who's pecking like we just boinked his daughter):
''I'm just so excited to be back. I want a World Series ring,'' he said. ''Hopefully I can help this team get there. I'll clean toilets if I have to, and I told them that.''

Morning Headlines: Chula Vista wins Little League World Series

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[California wins LLWS].

-Victory parade scheduled in San Diego after Chula Vista wins Little League title

-Chinese-Taipei=Taiwan=LLWS loss

-Vice President cheers Little Leaguers; Obama a no-show

-CA slugs way to championship; celebrate with Chuck E. Cheese pizza party

It's your one chance a year to talk dirty about little boys. Don't waste it!

Friday, August 28, 2009

It's almost college football time! But until then...

We're a week away from the first full Saturday of games! That means tailgates, the Spread Option and sorority girls making football jerseys sexy again.

We'll get into college football here during the week and Friday we'll be kicking off what three people have said is the best college football column in the blogosphere. That might be misquoted. And it might have been two people.

So sit back, enjoy the Dog Days of Summer, enjoy the insanely hot Lauren and have a fucking fantastic weekend. Fall starts next week and that means the best sports season of the year. Gear up!

'Hartford...? The Whale...? They only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.'


The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I am a fan of every Kevin Smith movie except Jersey Girl. To be fair though, Kevin Smith isn’t a fan of Jersey Girl and he directed it. One of Kevin Smith’s fine films is Mallrats, the first acting turn of My Name is Earl’s Jason Lee. During the movie, Jason Lee utters the following line: “Breakfast’s come and go Rene. Now Hartford? The Whale? Hey, they only beat Vancouver once maybe twice in a lifetime.”

The Whale to which Jason Lee refers is not Shamu nor Moby Dick but the Hartford Whalers Hockey Club. Added into the NHL from the WHL in 1979, the Whalers were the lone professional sports franchise in the state of Connecticut. For 18 years, they existed mainly as a franchise with a cool logo and their own theme song. Then came the year 1997 and the Whalers were taken away from Hartford. I do not remember this well as a young sports fan in California. I generally focused on football and baseball with a casual interest in basketball.

Seeing Mallrats introduced me to “The Whale” and in turn that Gordie Howe finished his illustrious career wearing a Whalers sweater. I also learned that the Hartford Whalers had become the Carolina Hurricanes. This annoys me as sports purist because I think of hockey as a sport played primarily in the 13 Canadian provinces and the upper Midwestern and New England United States. Proof of this can be found in the NCAA hockey teams routinely in the “Frozen Four.” Find me a UCLA, a “U-Dub” on that list and I’ll be very surprised.

This is a part of the larger question of the NHL being in far too many “Sunshine States” and the “Make it seven” campaign headed by Jim Balsillie from Research in Motion Ltd. I support M. Balsillie’s efforts and frankly think there should be eight teams in Canada again.

Then again, the city of Hartford threw a parade when “The Whale” made the playoffs one year. Made the playoffs! Toronto wouldn’t have people marching down Yonge Street and they haven’t won the Cup since 1967!

On the flipside, there was a recent New York Times article about fans in Hartford who still go out to the Hartford Civic Center wearing Whalers sweaters to see the local minor league team. Furthermore, a quick viewing of a University of Connecticut men’s basketball game will reveal Whalers banners still hanging from the rafters.

Put on the old 45 of “Brass Bonanza” Whalers fan. Maybe one day Gary Bettman will retire and someone smarter will bring back “The Whale.” Then Rene and Brodie can go to breakfast.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Why Pasta Pomodoro totally sucks at being a restaurant

Hey kids, JMC here to tell you a cautionary tale: don't go to fucking Pasta fucking Pomodoro.

A few weeks back it was my girlfriend's birthday. She wasn't too happy about it either. You know, getting older can kinda make people grumpy. So the day was pretty much doomed to begin with because when my girlfriend is unhappy it makes the grim reaper look like a kitten and going to war in Iraq sound pretty fun.

We spent most of the day hungover having been to a pretty great wedding the night before, and never ended up doing much. I kept asking her (for weeks ahead of time) what she wanted to do and she never came up with anything. So finally here we are on the big day and we're having breakfast wraps at Starbucks and sitting on the couch most of the day. I took the day off work for this?

So dinner time rolls around and of course she hasn't decided where to go and doesn't want me to take her out to a nice restaurant because she's not feeling that great and is unhappy so why waste a nice dinner? Fuck me with a blunt object. Next thing I know she decides we're going to Pasta Pomodoro because she has a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert.

I fucking hate Pasta Pomodoro. The food is only okay, the service is mediocre, and the ambiance is nothing to write home about. And then it costs 40 bucks. But that's where we're going because she for some reason likes it. It must be the bread. The bread and that dipping sauce are actually pretty bomb.

So we drive out to PP (I'm calling it that from now on because it's less typing), and get a table. Luckily there was no wait. If there was a wait I probably would have jumped in front of a car. We sit down, eat the bread (best part of the night) and peruse the menu. We choose our entrees and then pick the polenta for our free appetizer. The waitress isn't nearly cute enough to get away with being as annoying as she is but manages to apparently take our order correctly. Of course I think we were sitting there for like five minutes before we had waters. Fucking PP. So we're sitting there and not really talking about anything and finally the food comes, except they fucked up and the polenta doesn't come out first. It is an appetizer, it is supposed to keep us from eating our napkins while we wait for the real food, it should be out there first. PP sucks.

They bring the polenta and the main course at the same time, or maybe the polenta was after the main course, either way it was fucked up. I'm at this point ready to go on Yelp and give this shit-hole zero stars or however you rank shit on Yelp. So my dinner is fine but of course there's something wrong with hers. She, in an effort to always make life more difficult, of course asked for her shit to be prepared in some special way, extra creamy sauce or something. And they gave her regular creamy sauce. She fucking sends it back. So we start eating the polenta and my food. My food is fine, but I could probably make pasta that's just as good at home for 12 cents. We try the polenta. It's bland and not very good but fine. The girlfriend decides there's something wrong with it and it's awful and horrible and can't be right. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this polenta except for the fact that it's polenta from PP and PP pretty much sucks so of course the polenta is going to be mediocre. But she's convinced there's something wrong with it and fucking sends it back. They offer to make it again and she declines. Her food comes back and this time it's right. She then eats two thirds of her dinner and decides to take the rest home.

So the waitress acts like a ditz, sort of apologizes for fucking up our whole dinner, and then sends the manager over. She also is not cute enough. She offers us free dessert in place of the crappy appetizer. The girlfriend declines. She then asks the manager to take something off the bill, and the manager says her entree will be free. Great, we can get the fuck out of this shitty restaurant. But wait, where's the leftover pasta? The waitress has taken it away instead of bringing a box. My girlfriend is on the verge of tears. I am ready to find a steak knife and tear open my abdomen. The waitress says she must have thrown it out, but she'll make us a new entree. Then she goes in the back and comes back out with the leftovers in a box. Its a miracle! She didn't throw it out after all. She probably just took it out of the garbage. And then spit in it. And got Karl with a K to jerk off into it. And then Karl with a K spit in it too.

So I pay the bill, which at this point is like 10 bucks since its just for one entree, score, and we get the fuck out. Great fucking birthday. Fuck you Pasta Pomodoro.

This guys looks like Joe Montana. But probably isn't. But maybe is! Nah, that's not Joe Montana.


This is what happens when the Giants have three hits through seven and two thirds.

It's high and outside: strike 2 for the Giants

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

The infield of my youth was the 1989 World Champion Oakland Athletics featuring Mark David McGwire at first, Mike Gallego at second, Walt Weiss at short, and Carney Lansford at third. I still hold these men in high regard save McGwire who cannot be shown on film or in still photographs from his rookie year until the mid-90’s because of “the juice.” This will not be an article about the 1989 Oakland Athletics infield. It is instead about Carney Lansford and hitting.

Lansford is currently the hitting coach for the San Francisco Giants. One of the Giants bright young stars is Pablo Sandoval, a free-swinging 22-year old from Venezuela. Most of the Venezuelan major leaguers I can think of are not free swingers. People like Magglio Ordonez and Omar Vizquel are fairly patient hitters. Marco Scutaro is leading the Blue Jays in walks and ranks high in the AL lead for runs scored. Sandoval, on the other hand, is a disciple of the “You don’t walk off the island” mantra common to the Dominican Republic.

Highlighted in a recent Sports Illustrated column by Lee Jenkins, Sandoval was in A-ball with a cousin of Vladimir Guerrero. Whether or not Guerrero had a direct influence on Sandoval is not certain. What is certain is that Sandoval, like Guerrero will swing at anything close to the plate. This is much to the chagrin of Lansford who is quoted as saying, “We don’t have a lot of what I call ‘professional hitters.’”

Lansford does not stop Sandoval from free swinging but I’m guessing he is probably trying to curtail it. Lansford was himself a long time Major Leaguer playing for the Angels, Red Sox, and A’s. During his time in “the Nation,” Lansford re-worked his swing so that he could bang doubles off the Green Monster. Playing the original Coliseum, he became a gap-to-gap hitter with some pop and a masterful ability to cover the vast foul territory down the left field line.

As you can imagine, I am in the Carney Lansford camp all the way. It really isn’t even bad that Sandoval is a free swinger. What is the problem is that the Giants seem to have allowed free swinging to become the order of the day. As someone who remembers tales of Will Clark having 20-10 vision and dominating the 1989 NLCS, I can’t figure out the change. People harp on the Giants for not having a lot of power hitters since the departure of one Barry Lamar Bonds. I’m no studier of the Giants for the following reasons: I’m an A’s fan and I’m not being paid to follow the Giants.

Consequently, I cannot say for certain that all the Giants hitters are free swingers like Sandoval. What I do know is that if they are, it is not likely that they’ll go far in the playoffs.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

What's the better way to win a baseball game?


The Rockies beat the Dodgers 5-4 in 10 innings last night after blowing a 4-2 9th-inning lead. Manny Ramirez hit a two-out, two-strike single to tie the game in the 9th, and then Troy Tulowitzki singled with the bases full to knock in the winning run an inning later.

Also: Colorado is 18 games over .500. That's the best record in the history of the franchise. Ever. We find that surprising.

Also No. 2: The Rockies are never going to lose again.

Those are the facts of the game. Now we ask you this hypothetical question: If you were a Rockies fan last night, would you have preferred A. the game end in nine, perhaps with a routine grounder to second, or B. the way it did, with a dramatic walk-off hit?

The case for A: Colorado played a solid game through eight innings, so much so that it had a two-run lead for the 9th. Get three quick, easy outs and the Rocks get a satisfying win and save the bullpen (that had pitched a ton in a 14-inning affair the night before).

The case against A: No heroics. A good, solid win might not stick with the team the way a walk-off does, which could build momentum for the next day's game.

The case for B: A walk-off win is the most exciting, dramatic way to win a game. A team can build on the momentum from that leading to a better series.

The case against B: A blown save can negate a good outing from a starter and nullify a well-played game up to that point. There's nothing more frustrating than giving up a lead in the 9th. Extra innings mean more pitches thrown, more fly balls shagged, etc. A longer game can tax players and hurt the team in the upcoming games.

Our vote goes to A. We're all about a clean, well-played game that ends with no suspense. A 4-2 win with a 1-2-3 9th is nearly a perfect game in our book. We wouldn't have been that excited about last night's Rockies win despite the walk-off dramatics. A blown save followed with an extra-inning win is stress on us and taxed energy on the team that we don't want.

Maybe we're wrong on this. Your opinion, please.

This is a fantastic photo


Zack Greinke struck out 15 last night. Now his name is Zackkkkkkkkkkkkkkk (good thing he doesn't spell it with an "h".)

Dude can pitch.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

This'll make you punch a hole through your motherfucking TV. And your garage door. And then we'll go ahead and break some more shit and kill a kitten

Sure, go ahead and walk Dexter Fowler to lead off the bottom of the 14th in a three-run game AFTER HE'S FOULED A BALL OFF HIS FUCKING KNEECAP AND CAN'T WALK AND SURE AS FUCK DOESN'T WANT TO SWING THE MOTHERFUCKING BAT.

Sure, go ahead and walk pitcher Adam Eaton, who hasn't had an at-bat all fucking season, WITH THE BASES FUCKING LOADED. ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL? THROW THE FUCKING BALL UNDERHAND IF YOU HAVE TO!

This is the worst game in the history of baseball and the history of organized sport. No need to play the rest of the season. Everyone on the Giants should be fired. They can field a team of monkeys against Arizona tonight. The Rockies are going to the playoffs and the Giants are going to hell.

Don't talk to us until football starts.

'Have a good night,' Cliff Lee and puberty


The saying, "Have a good night," is really starting to piss me off. Friend of mine say it, I say it and just about everyone says it. But when you're getting out of a cab at 2 a.m. and your friend who's going to the next stop says, "Have a good night," that fucking pisses me off.

I'm going to go inside, brush my teeth and undress. Let me tell you, there is nothing exciting about brushing your teeth. I'm not about to brush my teeth and magically get a blowjob at the same time to ensure I have a "good night."

"See ya later" is way underrated.

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Cliff Lee has turned our fantasy team from "mind-fuckingly bad" to "really fucking bad" in just a month. Since his trade to Philly, Lee is 5-0 with a 0.68 ERA in five starts. He also might be running for mayor.

Um, Cy Young? Both Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain haven't picked up wins in about a month, Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright could split votes and Jason Marquis doesn't have the record or ERA to be a real factor.

The chances that Cliff Lee win the award are slim. Unlike the MVP, the Cy Young usually translates to the best numbers rather than the most valuable pitcher. Edge goes to Carpenter if we're going on numbers.

But Lee has turned Philly from a playoff team to World-Series contender. Again. The Phillies are easily the front-runner in the NL right now. Fuck the city of Philadelphia. Fuck brotherly love. And fuck the Liberty Bell.

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Drank some rum and cokes this weekend. Sophomoric drink, but tasty nonetheless. If we're at a bar, we tend to order beer or vodka tonics if we're going the liquor route.

If you're ordering a well drink, what are you going with? No more Greyhounds for us. Last time we drank those we puked all over ourselves and got kicked out of a bar.

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It's strange to see kids run the course of puberty during the life of a TV show.

First, a word about puberty: everyone hits it, it's part of life, yet puberty ravages kids in a major way. There is nothing good about a kid going through puberty. Acne, squeaky voice, socially awkward. Just a horrible phase. These kids have so much going on -- school, friends, dances -- and then puberty just tears a hole in a them.

In Weeds Shane was a cute little kid from Seasons 1-4 and then Season 5 comes along and we're now looking at Awkward Shane who you want to hit over the head with a vacuum cleaner. Not really a little kid anymore. Same shit happened to Walt on Lost, but Lost sorta wrote off Walt because that storyline just wasn't really going anywhere.

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Speaking of puberty, how 'bout the Little League World Series? Yes, puberty ravages the International Pool, too.

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More frustrating: a baseball team that can't hit or a baseball team that can't pitch? We've been watching the Giants all season, so we'd probably go with the former. They get a leadoff double and then watch three batters come to the plate who can't even advance him to third. That just makes you want to harm a small animal.

Though a team that can't pitch is prone to losing streaks. A team that can't hit or pitch is called the Washington Nationals.

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Here's reason No. 5,421 why not to live with your girlfriend: Rachel Getting Married gets on your Netflix queue.

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Hot chick? Here ya go. (Sorta, kinda SFW).

Les Expos


The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I had a one-point thought of writing about a few teams I consider in the have-not column in Major League Baseball: the Orioles, Royals, Pirates, Blue Jays, Reds, Padres, and Mariners were all on such a list. I wrote out in my head what why I thought they fit into this category. In the end, however, I couldn’t make a cogent piece, so I scrapped it. There was, of course, a team that I left off this list and that may be the ultimate “have not” team: Les Expos de Montreal.

Born at Jarry Parc en Montreal, Quebec in 1969, Les Expos were the first Major League Baseball team born outside of the United States. From the start, unfortunately, they were second class citizens to the Les Canadiens de Montreal. Having already won 14 Coupe de Stanley prior to the birth of Les Expos, les Canadiens were and are the face of pro sports in Montreal.

The two best examples of Les Expos have not status are the following: the number of good players traded away and honoring Maurice Richard. Most people know about Les Expos trading players away. During the late eighties and early nineties, all the following players left Montreal: Andre Dawson, Dennis Martinez, Randy Johnson, Orlando Cabrera, Vladimir Guerrero, Andres Galarraga, Larry Walker, and Moises Alou. The only person to be traded to Les Expos was Pedro Martinez and that was only for three years and pre-Activator.

The other example is not meant as a dig at the late, great Maurice “the Rocket” Richard. The man started a riot for crying out loud! Inadvertently of course, it involved him losing the scoring title because he was suspended by Commissioner Campbell. The example is this: when Maurice Richard passed away in 2000, not only was there a public funeral at the Molson Centre but Les Expos wore a patch with Richard’s No. 9 on it. I can’t think of another time where this has happened anywhere.

Phil Rizzuto passed away died in 2007 and the Yankees wore No. 10 patches. I don’t remember seeing Henrik Lundqvist with a pinstriped “10” on his helmet. The only other cities where I could see this happening are Toronto, Detroit, and Chicago and only if it’s Darryl Sittler, Gordie Howe, or Bobby Hull.

Alas, les Expos are now the Washington Nationals (when the clubhouse manager sews on the letters correctly) and stinking out the joint. At one point, they were on pace to match and possibly eclipse the lowly 1962 New York Mets who lost 120 games.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Plax gets good advice from his prison consultant

Prison life is tough. Especially when you shoot yourself first. But there are people for everything. So Plaxico Burress hired a prison consultant, to, ya know, consult. His advice below...

Plaxico,

Prison is tough. It's hard on you mentally, physically and emotionally. But it's all about how you deal with it. Be strong. Be tough. Be you.

From the get go, you need to make your presence felt. Go kick someone's ass. And not in a soft way like hitting a guy from behind. Instead, turn a fork into a shiv and go shank the leader of one of the gangs.

Once you fuck someone up, you'll get a posse. Don't fucking turn on your posse. Friends equal power in the clink, so use it. If you feel like turning on your group, don't. Didn't you see American History X? Edward Norton publicly humiliated his pals and then they fucked him in the ass figuratively and literally. Don't get fucked in the ass. You'll walk funny and not be able to shit right for a week.

Money is also power. Sell something. Not autographs or signing sessions. That's bullshit behind bars. People might like you because you play football but until you're slinging cigarettes, drugs or weapons, you won't go anywhere.

Another option is to fly under the radar. It's good in theory, but so is communism. You're in the NFL and people know who you are. And subtlety isn't exactly your strong point since you got caught in the first place by SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING LEG.

Keep to yourself, don't shower alone and take advantage of any porn they point your way. Otherwise sit, reflect and maybe write a book. And make some new friends. You won't have many when you get out.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Reason #3,237 why we love Nate Robinson

We went to college with hoopster Nate Robinson and grew to love his highlight-reel plays, fraternizing skills and Big-Man-on-Campus stature. Dude was a huge stud and he made sure you knew it.

So when he tried to get out of a driving ticket by telling the cop, "Well, I'm Nate Robinson from the Knicks," we weren't at all surprised.
Knick star Nate Robinson blasted rap music and got belligerent with a cop who stopped his SUV, then tried to use his hoop-player status to avoid being arrested.

Robinson, 25, was pulled over in The Bronx Tuesday for driving with an unfastened seat belt. Sources said he cranked up a rap song when the cop walked off to check his license, and then sang along when the officer returned.
The cop responded to these antics by saying, "Ok, Nate Robinson from the Knicks, you're under arrest."

Fantastic.

Robinson didn't actually spend time in the joint, but had he, we have zero doubt that he would have talked his way out of having a shower buddy.

Kevin Huber with the hold, Ochocinco with the kick, and the Bengals lead 7-3. Wait, WHAT?!?!

As it turns out, Chad Ochocinco is a receiver and a placekicker. Or so he was in last night's preseason game, anyway. And it proved to be the game winner in a 7-6 victory over New England!
Cincinnati's all-time leader in catches and yards receiving connected [on an extra point] after the Bengals first-half touchdown as coach Marvin Lewis held out Shayne Graham as a precaution because of a groin injury. Ochocinco also kicked off to start the second half.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

10 gym personalities that piss you off


Going to the gym sucks. It's hot, smelly and you have to interact with people who make you want to throw Brett Favre out of a fucking airplane. Sometimes you see a hot chick and then you have a fantastic workout and better jerk off session later, but often you don't see a hot chick and instead you see these 10 common gym personalities that piss you off.

10. The Space Cadet

You pick up the 80s to go sit down for some dumbbell bench press but The Space Cadet is blocking the aisle while bobbing his head to what's likely The White Stripes or some other shitty band that would make you want to bob your head while at a fucking gym.

9.. The Profuse Sweater

Gross, wet and doesn't wipe down the equipment after use, The Profuse Sweater is entirely responsible for the spread of athlete's foot, the common cold and SARS.

8. The Chit-Chatters

We're at a gym to either a.) boost our ego; b.) improve our body image to help us get laid; c.) boost our ego, confidence and body image to help us get laid. We're not there to FUCKING TALK. And we don't want to hear you talk either. Save the conversation for Starbucks and pop in your headphones and leave us the fuck alone.

7. The Dumbbell Misplacer

Oh, so you want to do your bicep curls with the 30s in the back of the gym away from the dumbbell rack? Sure thing, bud. Now you're done and too tired to bring the weights back to the rack? Oh, it's cool, I'll just search around for them for five minutes while losing the bench I wanted to The Hog (below). But glad you got your curls in. Now go choke on a dick.

6. The Stinker

You're going hard on a set of tricep extensions while the 60-year-old dude in the bike shorts and over-sized t-shirt walks through and smells like the entire canine family died in his armpits. Simultaneously. Old Spice, Sure and Right Guard all will do the trick, fella.

5. The Grunter

Loud, annoying and sounds like he's giving birth to a helicopter, The Grunter will make any quiet gym sound like a rock concert. Whether it's shoulder press, back rows or squats, you'll know when The Grunter is in your gym. You'll probably, in fact, be able to hear him from down the street.

4. The Faux Tough Guy

Wears a cut off shirt, looks like an asshole, has a tattoo on his left shoulder that he got when he was 18 to impress a girlfriend, yet when he goes in for the bench press, he looks around to make sure people are watching and then loads up the bar with 10s on each side. Fuck you, phony.

3. The Real Tough Guy

Wears a cut off shirt, looks like an asshole, has a tattoo on his left shoulder that he got when he was 18 to impress a girlfriend, yet when he goes in for the bench press, he looks around to make sure people are watching and then loads up the bar with three 45s on each side. Fuck you, you incredibly strong man who probably nails hot girls all the time.

2. The Hog

The Hog will lengthen your workout by a good 5-10 minutes. This person stays on cable machine doing pull-ups, chest exercises, shoulder extensions (one cable for each arm. Hey, turning your body around is tough!). The Hog exists on the aerobic machines, too. Wrapping up on the Elliptical? "Absolutely," says The Hog. "It'll just be a minute." Twenty-five minutes later you're ready to turn the preacher bar into a blunt weapon.

1. The Near Hot Chick

A woman's on the treadmill in front of you -- tight pants, tank top, long pony tail...AND SHE'S 49 with a gut and wrinkles you could probably go surfing on. So much for that post-workout jerk.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

John David Booty would like to say fuck you very much to Brett Favre


We won't dive into the whole Favre-is-completely-ruining-his-reputation in this post; we'll leave that for the comments and Morning Headlines.

Aside from fans like us who are just disgusted by his prima donna bullshit, the only person who really has a right to be pissed is John David Booty.

Not only did Booty lose his No. 4, HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO GET CUT! Fuck. That. What a shitty day. So much for the third-stringer, now you're wearing No. 9 and could soon be a free agent.

So while Brett Favre's egotistical ass is getting a fat two-year contract, another mid-20s-something will likely be out of work.

Canadian pitchers are as healthy as a diseased hooker

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

Allow me to preface this missive with the following statement: I heart Canada. I grew up watching “You Can’t Do That on Television”, “Kids in the Hall” and re-runs of “SCTV.” I own not only “Strange Brew” on DVD but have the soundtrack on vinyl. Much of this is courtesy of my Dad who was not Canadian but rather Hawaiian-Chinese. I also believe that the toughest sport this side of rugby is hockey. I am of the opinion that hockey players are the toughest, more rugged, and yet nicest guys on the planet. Expect say Sean Avery or Patrick Roy who are red asses. I am also a fan of Canadian baseball players. It slightly bothers me that professional pinch-hitter and former Athletic Matt Stairs is no longer a Blue Jay even though he’s from Fredericton, New Brunswick and not Toronto. I worry, however, about Canadian pitchers.

This was born out a short conversation I was having with a woman sitting behind me at the A’s-Yankees game Monday night. It was a 1-2 count to Melky Cabrera, I believe, and the conversation lasted under a minute. The point was that former A’s pitcher Rich “Vandal of Style” Harden was injury prone. I always took up for Rich when he wore green and gold even though he was on the DL quite a bit. There are, however, other Canadian pitchers out there. Harden’s current team, the Cubs, has Ryan Dempster (Gibsons, B.C.) who was on the DL this year because he injured himself jumping over the railing of the Cubs dugout. Erik Bedard (Navan, Ont.) just had exploratory shoulder surgery and has been a disaster since being traded to the Mariners.

The last two examples are Jeff Francis of the Rockies and Scott Richmond of the Blue Jays. Francis has been on the DL and will probably be out for the whole year. Richmond was on the DL from July 1st to July 28th and then went out and lost to the A’s on August 1st. The question is simple: Why?

Matt Stairs has been a journeyman to be sure but he’s active, Jason Bay has stayed off the DL most of the season for the Sox, Russell Martin has been consistently behind the plate for the Dodgers, and Justin Morneau hasn’t missed much this year if at all.

Now all these men are position players and most of them don’t play every day but pitchers only pitch every five days. Hockey players, on the other hand, roll in shifts that last maybe a minute thirty max. Not every player is a bruiser in the style of a Jody Shelley or a George Parros whose main job title is “fighter.” And they don’t get injured as often as a Rich “Vandal of Style” Harden. Maybe they didn’t play enough backyard hockey growing up. Maybe Gerry Cheevers talk to these guys. Couldn’t hurt, seeing as he used to paint scars on his mask where the puck hit him...IN THE FUCKING FACE.

Morning Headlines: Favre signs with Minnesota


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Favre signs with Vikes].

-Former Packer inks two-year deal

-Childress: 'Tarvaris can take this team all the way'

-Bears thought to be top in competitive NFC North

Your Favre headlines in the comments.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

What kind of question is that?

In Peter King's most-recent Monday Morning Quarterback, he fires this gem off at Peyton Manning:
"Jim Johnson died of melanoma. You're pretty fair-skinned. You take precautions against skin cancer?''
Wait. WHAT?! We've worked as a sportswriter. We went to school to learn how to be a reporter. We learned all about open- and close-ended questions. We learned about nut grafs. We learned about how to report in crisis situations.

Nowhere, not once, did it mention asking some one who's perfectly healthy a completely off-the-wall question about somebody who recently died.

Drew at KSK responds nicely: “Hey Peyton, Derrick Thomas died in a car accident. Do you buckle your seat belt, or will you too end up a giant red pile of sinew on the side of the highway?”

All right, future sportswriters of America: to get a job at SI, ask somebody the strangest fucking question you can think of. And talk about your travel itinerary.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Reno: The Biggest Little Mistake in the World


What happens in Reno stays in Vegas.

Saturday we headed up to a Reno for a night of gambling, drinking, titties and vomit. It's an annual trip where we head up with a large group of guys and girls and have one mission: win a hundred million dollars while getting so unbelievably wasted you'd get a DUI for driving two days later.

Our game is blackjack and blackjack is the devil's game. Even if you play by basic strategy you're going to lose the second payment on your mortgage. I had one hand that made me want to go all Rae Carruth on the dealer.

Dealer showed a five up and I had two sevens. Split those motherfuckers and on the first I get an ace and the second I get another seven. Split those fuckers, too. I then get a face card and an eight and stayed. Dealer flips over his down card and shows paint. With 15 he hits and gets an ace. 16. Then this ass goblin hits and pulls a five. 21. I was ready to commit seppuku with a roulette wheel.

Meanwhile, everyone was really drunk and the girls had dresses on and shit and looked good and the single guys and the single girls did exactly what single guys and single girls should do in Reno.

Elsewhere, we went to the worst strip club/ cabaret in the biggest little whorehouse in the world. Cover was $10 and then we get put in a MOTHERFUCKING WAITING ROOM. A fucking waiting room. Then the waitress comes by and asks what I wanted to drink. Already down four hundred thousand dollars I asked for tap water. They say they only have bottled water and kindly mention there's a two-drink minimum. What is this shit? A fucking comedy club? We left before my $7 bottle of water came and before the bouncer could come turn me into part of the road.

No one actually puked but two dudes who came with us didn't go to sleep and were still drinking beer at 9:30 Sunday morning. Fantastic.

It was a good trip. I think I'm still drunk.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Go ahead, Tony, take the call. We aren't on deadline or anything

If there's one thing we can say about Tony LaRussa, it's that he's a family man. During Wednesday's post-game press conference, the St. Louis manager got a call from an out-of-town family member and did what any baseball man would do: He answered it in front of all the reporters. So much for privacy.



Whoa, iPhone! Fancy schmancy!

We really want to make jokes about this, but internal bleeding of the testicle is no laughing matter


Be grateful you woke up this morning and your junk was intact and working properly. Because Adrian Beltre's won't be for some time.
Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre injured his testicle last night after a groundball took a bad hop and hit him in the groin area. No, he does not wear a protective cup.

There was some tearing of the testicle and apparently is some internal bleeding in there. The team is going to wait a bit to see whether he requires surgery. If the surgery was to take place, he would need a month's recovery time. If there's no surgery, he'd need about 10 days to two weeks.

TEARING?!?! INTERNAL BLEEDING!?!? Testicles aren't supposed to absorb that kind of punishment. Gentle cupping and stroking is all the treatment they need.

And they tore it down


The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

They are many a fine building, ballpark, and stadium in the world of sports. Wrigley Field is a Mecca of good times, Old-Style beer, and Harry Caray’s oversized sunglasses. Fenway Park is the home of screaming matches, narrow seats, obstructed views, and the song Sweet Caroline. There is even Joe Louis Arena where octopi are hurled onto the ice and Stevie Y used to rule.

And then there are those places lost to history. The most recent of these was Tiger Stadium, formerly at the corner of Michigan and Trumball in Detroit. As a kid, I can remember watching the commemorative video covering the 1988 A’s season. In it, there is footage of Tiger Stadium with Bill King narrating about the A’s prowess. I used to watch that and be amazed by Tiger Stadium. Yes, it was cramped, hitting a ball out to center required being Cecil Fielder or Reggie Jackson, and the bullpens weren’t great. It doesn’t matter. The bulk of the Tiger’s history was written there. The 1968 World Series was won there. The 1984 World Series was there. Mark Fidrych talked to the dirt at Tiger Stadium. It was great and the wrecking ball keeps taking it away.

In basketball, there was Boston Gardens. A place with uneven parquet floors, Red Auerbach’s cigar smoke, Johnny Most’s voice, and Boston sports fans. DJ’s lay up, Bird being Bird (take that Manny), and Havlicek. And now there is the TD Bank North Gardens and it isn’t the same. Sure, there’s “The Big Ticket”, “The Truth”, “Jesus Shuttlesworth”, and “Big Baby.” Forget it, doesn’t have the same cache.

I would go into the numerous football stadiums that have been torn down but the truth is that it is more about teams being ripped from fan bases. Cleveland losing the Browns, Baltimore losing the Colts, and Houston losing the Oilers. The only great stadium in football is Lambeau Field and it still stands -- for now.

We come now to hockey. Hockey too has its history of poor relocations but for the purposes of this blurb, I’ll stick to buildings. The building in question is the Maple Leaf Gardens. The hub of Leafs hockey from 1931-1999, it saw Lord Stanley held aloft 11 times. It had multi-colored seats, a live band and an organ, and Bill Barilko. Who was Bill Barilko you ask? Well, a Leafs hall of famer, Barilko scored an overtime winner in 1951 to win the Cup against the Canadiens. Oh, and “Canada’s house band”, Kinston, ON own Tragically Hip immortalized him in their song “Fifty Mission Cap.” Toronto, of course, is the home of the Canadian Hockey Hall of Fame. Yet even this building, even in Toronto, home of the Leaf, even there they tore down this gem.

Why does it happen? People shame young athletes for not knowing their history. Yet with sports it seems to be bigger and better. Maybe sometimes, but definitely not always.

Morning Headlines: Michael Vick signs with Eagles


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!


Yesterday's winner: John with this juicy nugget: "Samardzija strikes out on 3 pitches in only at bat, has 0 receiving yards."

[Vick signs with Philadelphia].

-Second-year option key to Vick's deal with Eagles

-McNabb: "This is Michael Vick's team"

-Kolb to fight for No. 2 QB job with former Falcon

Vick's back in the league! Some Vick banter in the comments, please.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

And there's a lazy fly to center...WHOA, BEER!!!!!!

It takes exceptional concentration to catch a fly ball while being dumped with beer, much the way being fellated while watching "The Office" does (we don't advise this if you care about your wang).

But Shane Victorino did it last night. Helluva catch. Cheers. (heyo!).

That's seriously fucked, though, and the culprit should be blacklisted from Wrigley. If, you know, they ever find him.

Morning Headlines: Pedro returns to the mound


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Phillies-Cubs box score].

-Phils rally late to get Martinez first win of 2009

-Fukudome's 1-for-4 day can't lift Cubs past Pedro, Phillies

-Hello, Cy-Young! Chan Ho Park tosses three perfect innings in rout

Your Pedro headlines in the comments.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Cracking down on jaywalking is the first step to cleaning up the nasty streets of Seattle, which aren't really nasty and they're totally fine


Look both ways before you cross the street in Seattle because there might be a cop there waiting to bust you for jaywalking.

That's what happened to White Sox GM Kenny Williams who didn't cross at a crosswalk and is a bad, immoral person because of it, except he's not because all he did was jaywalk, which is like getting in trouble in school for not raising your hand.
Williams was ticketed Monday for jaywalking outside Safeco Field for illegally crossing a street away from a crosswalk, the Associated Press reported. Williams was on his cell phone after exiting a cab and was on his way into the stadium when a traffic-control officer nabbed him and wrote a $56 ticket. Williams tried to tell the officer people in Chicago cross streets anywhere. He said the officer told him, not in Seattle.
They're really cracking down on jaywalking in Seattle. Have been for years. Our sophomore year at UW, there was a mini riot in the Greek System where like some cars were flipped and maybe set on fire and because of that the Seattle police responded by cracking down on jaywalking. It didn't really make sense, but the police felt better about things and people were more careful when crossing the street and frankly the world was a better place for it.

[Chicago Tribune via Ben Maller]

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Jerry Stackhouse plays lazy defense and a hyped college recruit can dunk while getting fouled. Now let's talk about how THIS ISN'T FUCKING IMPORTANT

This is becoming an annoying trend this summer: Pro basketball players are getting dunked on by college kids in SUMMER LEAGUE GAMES THAT DON'T MEAN A MOTHERFUCKING THING and the media and world respond like this is the wildest thing to happen to sports since the forward pass (which, by the way, WAS AWESOME!).

First it was LeBron, and a few days ago it was Jerry Stackhouse. Here's the video so you can see Stackhouse's inspired defensive effort (slide to the hole, Jerry!) on the nifty moves of Kentucky recruit John Wall.



After seeing the video, our thought process went like this in this order:

1. No. 1 on White just broke his ankles. What a move!
2. John Wall is about to be very good.
3. Kentucky is about to be very good.
4. John Wall would probably be a very good pro player.
5. Jerry Stackhouse plays shoddy defense.
6. The Spicy Italian sandwich from Subway is pretty salty.
7. Wonder who the other guys in this game are.
8. Wonder why someone's filming a summer league game.
9. Jerry Stackhouse sorta got dunked on. We guess. Sorta. But he really just fouled him and Wall threw it down anyway.
10. John Wall is about to be very good.

Holy fucking shit, world, THIS IS NOT THAT COOL. If the old NBA eligibility rules were in place, Wall would be playing in the NBA next year. And when one NBA player dunks on the side of another NBA player it makes the highlights. Might be a Top Play. But it doesn't become a VIRAL FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO.

Or maybe we are just totally uncool and have no idea what's cool. Probably why we like Chamomile tea and Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

There is no possible way Audrina Patridge would ever actually eat a cheeseburger. Well she might, but then, you know...

Happy Tuesday you knuckleheads. This is Audrina Patridge and that's a Carl's Jr. Teriyaki Burger. We can think of a couple other things we'd let Audrina lick off her fingers. Zing!



But in all seriousness, we would do some really sick and twisted things to this babe. Wow!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Hey, FOX and ESPN, fuck you. We don't care about the Yankees and Red Sox.

FOX Saturday, ESPN Sunday, all over the major sports websites since Thursday, we're getting Yankees-Red Sox shoved down our throats like the girls on milfslikeitbig.com.

There's still this sentiment among major media outlets that people outside of the Northeast actually care about this rivalry. Yes, it's the greatest rivalry in baseball, but frankly people in San Diego, following National League baseball, really don't care much about what's going on at the top of the AL East.

We're used to ESPN hammering home any sort of rivalry. We'll get Duke-Carolina every time they play. "ESPN on ABC" or whatever the fuck they call it -- it's still channel 7, ESPN is still channel 38; it's fucking ABC you cocksmokers -- will carry any of the major college football rivalries. The NBA doesn't really have any good rivalries because the NBA is a very good product.

The key difference, of course, is that the Yankees and Red Sox play 18 MOTHERFUCKING TIMES! We can go a day without having to hear about this. The Yankees are 5.5 games up, the Red Sox are flailing (wahoo!) and there are over 50 games left of the regular season. Tonight's game just isn't as important as the Cubs-Rockies or Angels-Rangers, which should be getting some ESPN love.

But, hey, thanks for telling us what we're supposed to like. Heaven knows we can't make choices for ourselves.

This can't be real, right?



Holy shit bukkake! That's amazing!

The hottest team in baseball: the Washington Nationals


Hey, the Nats have won eight straight! Strong work, Washington! Still, they're 32 games under .500. So, as math tells us, they were recently 40 under. Not good. The Washington Nationals are not a very good baseball team. But eight straight!

They've taken care of Pittsburgh, Florida and most recently Arizona. Next up: the Braves.

Washington now knows its role: spoiler. (Or doormat. Probably doormat. Who are we kidding? The Washington Nationals are not a very good baseball team. But eight straight!)

Friday, August 07, 2009

Fantastic. Michael Crabtree and his entourage are fucking nuts.

Michael Crabtree and his "advisers" are holding out for lots of money and threatening to sit out this year and re-enter the 2010 draft. Arnaz Battle, meanwhile, is still a starting receiver. Here's how the negotiations are going:

Niners Camp: Hi, Michael, how are you?

Crabtree Brigade: Not good man.

Niners Camp: We know you want big bucks. How does No. 10 money sound?

Crabtree Brigade: It sounds like Eminem doing an Earth, Wind and Fire cover.

Niners Camp: What?

Crabtree Brigade: Doesn't sound good. I want more than Heyward-Bey.

Niners Camp: What pick was he?

Crabtree Brigade: Seven.

Niners Camp: And you were, what? Ten. How 'bout No. 10 money?

Crabtree Brigade: But I'm better than Darrius.

Niners Camp: We know! That's why we picked you. But we can only give you No. 10 money.

Crabtree Brigade: But I was projected to go higher than him. In mocks. In one mock, I was the top pick. I want No. 1 money.

Niners Camp: How 'bout No. 10 money?

Crabtree Brigade: We'll hold out.

Niners Camp: We'll give you $15 million over five years.

Crabtree Brigade: What's Darrius getting?

Niners Camp: It doesn't matter. FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS!!!

Crabtree Brigade: What did Stafford get?

Niners Camp: How about instead of giving you No. 10 money, we give you something a little bit lower than No. 9 money and higher than No. 11 money.

Crabtree Brigade: Maybe.

Niners Camp: Then it's settl...

Crabtree Brigade: WAIT! You tricked me. I'm not going for No. 10 money.

Niners Camp: What if we give you top-five money, but then you have to give some back?

Crabtree Brigade: No.

Niners Camp: How about No. 10 money and we'll get one of the Gold Rush to blow you after every home game?

Crabtree Brigade: No. Maybe.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Best Judd Apatow movie?

Saw Funny People Tuesday. Entertaining. Not very funny. But entertaining and makes you want to be a movie star so you can nail two different girls in the span of an hour.

Funny People had nice balance of cock jokes, sincere moments and realistic conversations. A tad too many awkward parts where you cringe. And maybe not enough nudity. Or cock jokes. But there were definitely cock jokes.

Got us thinking about all the Judd Apatow flicks and their place in comedy lore. If we would rank his films (that we've seen), here's how it'd look:

6. Pineapple Express
5. Funny People
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
3. 40-year-old Virgin
2. Knocked Up
1. Superbad

Wow. Superbad was fucking epic. We should watch that again. And start writing more cock jokes.

Your list in the comments, please.

What the hell happened to the Pirates?


The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I once rooted for Barry Lamar Bonds. Sounds weird, huh? Allow me to explain. The year was 1992 and the Atlanta Braves were back in the playoffs after losing the World Series in seven games to the Twins. That’s right, the Twins. The Braves opponent in the 1992 NLCS? The Pittsburgh Pirates complete with Andy Van Slyke, Bobby Bonilla, Doug Drabek, and two young guys named Barry Bonds and Tim Wakefield. Seriously. I can recall that I rooted for the Pirates because they were underdogs and I like rooting for underdogs. That and the A’s had lost the ALCS to the Blue Jays. Clear in my head is the memory of Barry Bonds trying to throw out Sid Bream at home and believing he was out. He was, by the way, very much safe. This would not matter so much as the Braves went on to lose to Ed Sprague and the Blue Jays. Oh well.

The point of this is not to laud the once mighty Blue Jays and their excellent uniforms. What we are dealing with here is the once mighty Pittsburgh Pirates baseball club. The Pirates came into being way back in 1887 and have one the World Series five times in their history. This year, for example, is the thirtieth anniversary of the “We Are Family” Pirates headed by Alameda-native Willie Stargell. This wouldn’t be so bad if 1979 was the last time the Pirates had won the World Series.

The current version of the Pirates will not win the World Series this year. Yesterday, they traded off their double play combination in Freddy Sanchez to the Giants and Jack Wilson to the Mariners. ESPN did something interesting yesterday when they laid out the 2003 Pirates lineup. Not a one player was still on the team and two thirds of the outfield is in Boston and Atlanta, respectively.

I have no rational explanation for the Pirates misery. The Marlins have won the World Series twice for crying out loud. The goddamn Devil Rays were in the World Series. Yeah, that’s right, Devil Rays.

The only possible hope for the Pirates is for MLB to introduce a salary minimum like the NBA and NHL that forces teams to spend a certain amount but not above the already established salary cap. That or transfer ownership to one of the other current Pittsburgh sports team owners. I’m not sure how much either the Rooney’s or Sir Mario Lemieux know about baseball but it’s got to be better than what the Pirates have now.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

The Most-Hated Current MLB Players

It's easy to hate. We hate certain players, certain teams and white rice in a burrito. (Looking at you, Chipotle). While every person has a different amount of hate for some people, universal hate is perhaps easier to categorize. For example, we hate Khalil Greene because he notoriously kills the Giants (and looks like he should've been in Point Break.) While in football everyone hates T.O. See the difference? Good.

But let's stick with that universal hate. Naturally, these forms of hate differ and people have their biases. Here's our list of the top five players who you wouldn't mind seeing get a flat tire or Swine Flu. Your list in the comments.

5. Manny Ramirez, Showboat/Lazy Guy, Dodgers


Feel like people didn't care much for Manny as a Red Sox. His work ethic has never been very good and he's relied on his talent and charisma to become a star. Nothing really wrong with that, but, well, fuck that. He's like that guy in your 12th-grade Calculus class who doesn't study for any test and then gets an A. Yeah, Manny is that guy and that guy can go eat a dick.

Oh, and he took 'roids. Nobody really thinks highly of that.

4. Captain Pussyman, Pussy Magnet/Fist-Pumper, Yankees


He's good-looking, rich and successful. He bangs A+ talent and probably turns down girls you'd happily stroke it to. That sucks. If he got a scar resembling the one of Seal that'd probably be best for everyone.

3. A.J. Pierzynski, Mega Asshole/Clubhouse Cancer, White Sox


This guy played a short time for the Giants where he was a clubhouse cancer and the wrong end of one of the most lopsided trades in recent memory (he got sent from the Twins for Joe Nathan and Francisco Liriano).

He's mean, he's got a bad attitude and he's probably a republican. No redeeming qualities here.

2. A-Rod, Cheater (with women and needles), Yankees

He's done steroids, women who aren't his wife and might have herpes. Also seen as a sellout when he left Seattle for $252 million to play for Texas. Seen again as a sellout when he left Texas to play for the Yankees. Also rumored to have fooled around with Madonna which just makes everyone a little uncomfortable.

1. Jonathan Papelbon, Douche Munchkin/Animal Killer/Responsible for Michael Jackson's death, Red Sox


A picture's worth a thousand words.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Common ways to piss off your significant other

It's hard work being a sports fan. We have to watch TV, know all the players' names and sound educated when giving an out-of-towner a scouting report on Travis Ishikawa (whose Achilles heel is swinging at the curve at his back foot).

But sports, too, are fun. Sometimes. When you live in Boston or go to the University of Florida. But also when you can spend 12 hours on the couch Saturday in October and watch endless college football while the only conversation you have with your significant other includes the key words "beer," "nachos," or "more."

We've been fighting with our girlfriend for the last two and half years. (Not actually. We've only been dating for two. HEY-O!) Much of it stems from not having enough time to give her all the attention she very much deserves. A lot of it is because we watch the Giants struggle to pound out four hits for three hours. Priorities.

So, what are your most common reasons for fighting with the missus? Your domestic problems (and ways to deal with them) in the comments, please.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Somehow, Stuart Scott is to blame for this

This is very funny. Like very funny. Probably not good that it happened. But VERY funny!

David Ortiz got linked to steroids, left 9 on base and probably contracted herpes...all in one weekend!


Not a good year for David Ortiz.

He's hitting .227 with 15 HRs and 60 RBIs -- not so bad, actually. He'd be the best hitter on the Giants. -- and the Red Sox are chasing the hated Yankees in the AL East, blah blah blah. He also got linked to steroids late last week, which is interesting in a non-interesting--duh-if-I-hear-about-steroids-one-more-time-I'm-going-to-throw-my-roommate-out-the-window kind of way.

So bad season, steroids, bad nickname. Then Sunday, the Red Sox beat the Ravens 18-10 and Boston pounds out 23 hits.

Ortiz? 0-5 with NINE left on base. As in seven, eight, NINE!!! That's the entire team. David Ortiz left Jacoby Ellsbury, Dustin Pedroia, Victor Martinez, Kevin Youkilis, David Ortiz (just go with it), J.D. Drew, Mike Lowell, Josh Reddick and Jed Lowrie on base. (Josh Reddick?)

David Ortiz hates driving in runs. NINE LEFT ON BASE! NOT GOOD!