Monday, August 24, 2009

Plax gets good advice from his prison consultant

Prison life is tough. Especially when you shoot yourself first. But there are people for everything. So Plaxico Burress hired a prison consultant, to, ya know, consult. His advice below...

Plaxico,

Prison is tough. It's hard on you mentally, physically and emotionally. But it's all about how you deal with it. Be strong. Be tough. Be you.

From the get go, you need to make your presence felt. Go kick someone's ass. And not in a soft way like hitting a guy from behind. Instead, turn a fork into a shiv and go shank the leader of one of the gangs.

Once you fuck someone up, you'll get a posse. Don't fucking turn on your posse. Friends equal power in the clink, so use it. If you feel like turning on your group, don't. Didn't you see American History X? Edward Norton publicly humiliated his pals and then they fucked him in the ass figuratively and literally. Don't get fucked in the ass. You'll walk funny and not be able to shit right for a week.

Money is also power. Sell something. Not autographs or signing sessions. That's bullshit behind bars. People might like you because you play football but until you're slinging cigarettes, drugs or weapons, you won't go anywhere.

Another option is to fly under the radar. It's good in theory, but so is communism. You're in the NFL and people know who you are. And subtlety isn't exactly your strong point since you got caught in the first place by SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FUCKING LEG.

Keep to yourself, don't shower alone and take advantage of any porn they point your way. Otherwise sit, reflect and maybe write a book. And make some new friends. You won't have many when you get out.

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