Thursday, August 20, 2009
10 gym personalities that piss you off
Going to the gym sucks. It's hot, smelly and you have to interact with people who make you want to throw Brett Favre out of a fucking airplane. Sometimes you see a hot chick and then you have a fantastic workout and better jerk off session later, but often you don't see a hot chick and instead you see these 10 common gym personalities that piss you off.
10. The Space Cadet
You pick up the 80s to go sit down for some dumbbell bench press but The Space Cadet is blocking the aisle while bobbing his head to what's likely The White Stripes or some other shitty band that would make you want to bob your head while at a fucking gym.
9.. The Profuse Sweater
Gross, wet and doesn't wipe down the equipment after use, The Profuse Sweater is entirely responsible for the spread of athlete's foot, the common cold and SARS.
8. The Chit-Chatters
We're at a gym to either a.) boost our ego; b.) improve our body image to help us get laid; c.) boost our ego, confidence and body image to help us get laid. We're not there to FUCKING TALK. And we don't want to hear you talk either. Save the conversation for Starbucks and pop in your headphones and leave us the fuck alone.
7. The Dumbbell Misplacer
Oh, so you want to do your bicep curls with the 30s in the back of the gym away from the dumbbell rack? Sure thing, bud. Now you're done and too tired to bring the weights back to the rack? Oh, it's cool, I'll just search around for them for five minutes while losing the bench I wanted to The Hog (below). But glad you got your curls in. Now go choke on a dick.
6. The Stinker
You're going hard on a set of tricep extensions while the 60-year-old dude in the bike shorts and over-sized t-shirt walks through and smells like the entire canine family died in his armpits. Simultaneously. Old Spice, Sure and Right Guard all will do the trick, fella.
5. The Grunter
Loud, annoying and sounds like he's giving birth to a helicopter, The Grunter will make any quiet gym sound like a rock concert. Whether it's shoulder press, back rows or squats, you'll know when The Grunter is in your gym. You'll probably, in fact, be able to hear him from down the street.
4. The Faux Tough Guy
Wears a cut off shirt, looks like an asshole, has a tattoo on his left shoulder that he got when he was 18 to impress a girlfriend, yet when he goes in for the bench press, he looks around to make sure people are watching and then loads up the bar with 10s on each side. Fuck you, phony.
3. The Real Tough Guy
Wears a cut off shirt, looks like an asshole, has a tattoo on his left shoulder that he got when he was 18 to impress a girlfriend, yet when he goes in for the bench press, he looks around to make sure people are watching and then loads up the bar with three 45s on each side. Fuck you, you incredibly strong man who probably nails hot girls all the time.
2. The Hog
The Hog will lengthen your workout by a good 5-10 minutes. This person stays on cable machine doing pull-ups, chest exercises, shoulder extensions (one cable for each arm. Hey, turning your body around is tough!). The Hog exists on the aerobic machines, too. Wrapping up on the Elliptical? "Absolutely," says The Hog. "It'll just be a minute." Twenty-five minutes later you're ready to turn the preacher bar into a blunt weapon.
1. The Near Hot Chick
A woman's on the treadmill in front of you -- tight pants, tank top, long pony tail...AND SHE'S 49 with a gut and wrinkles you could probably go surfing on. So much for that post-workout jerk.