Excuse us while we go swallow a grenade

How's this for a fun sports weekend:

• Stanford 34, Washington 14
• Oregon 42, Cal 3
• Cubs 3, Giants 0; Cubs 6, Giants 2 -- all but formally eliminated the Giants from the playoff race.
  
• Minnesota 27, San Francisco 24 -- If that didn't put the icing on the fucking cake for an atrocious sports weekend, we've never had icing. Or cake.

Wow, looks like we're going to take up knitting, cooking or anything else that doesn't involve a motherfucking ball.

Can't remember much worse of a sports weekend. It's times like these where there is nothing fun about sports; it serves only as a recreational activity to tear out your heart with an ice cream scoop.

So forgive us if we aren't all smiles this week. We'll probably lock ourselves in a closet and dedicate our life to perfecting the French Knot.

Jumping on the U-Dub bandwagon isn't that easy

For how great the Huskies' win was Saturday -- and don't get me wrong, it was fucking great --there was a part of me that was hesitant to be fully excited and jump on the Huskies-to-the-Rose-Bowl bandwagon.

I have a few theories why I pulled back from fully embracing a huge upset, a huge win, and didn't celebrate by eating a bottle of tequila.

1. I wasn't there.

Haven't lived in Seattle for over a year, have been out of school for over three and wasn't in the raucous Husky Stadium to feel the excitement.

When you watch a game on TV it takes something away. You're not invested the same way you are when you spend time amongst the fans and scenery of an actual ballgame.

So watching, nearly 1,000 miles away, I couldn't hop on board as easily as I would've liked.

2. USC wasn't at it's fullest.

The Trojans were missing their starting QB, their likely overall best player in safety Taylor Mays and Pete Carroll may or may not have actually been there. LA Times columnist Bill Plaschke had some choice words.

3. I'm scared to jump on board.

Call me a bad fan, but I think that by getting sucked in to another on-the-fence-good team (read: 2009 San Francisco Giants) I'm setting myself up for the fall.

With losing comes apathy. Of course with winning comes elation, but unless we're in Florida or Pennsylvania, no one's doing much winning.

When you've lost 15 in a row, No. 16 doesn't sting. But when you win five in a row, are on the cusp of a good bowl game, that first loss after the wins feels like salt in every fucking wound.

When the Giants lose 100 games, I'm checked out by No. 85. Fairweather? Perhaps. But, ask any woman in my life, I'm far easier to deal with when they lose on a daily basis opposed to when they rip out my fucking heart.

I'm excited about these Huskies. Hell, I went to school there for that football program. But I'm not ready to "give up sports for good this time," after a gut-wrencher to Stanford.

The Dawgs get to 9-1? Let's talk.

[Photo: The Seattle Times]

Reason #3,237 why we love Nate Robinson

We went to college with hoopster Nate Robinson and grew to love his highlight-reel plays, fraternizing skills and Big-Man-on-Campus stature. Dude was a huge stud and he made sure you knew it.

So when he tried to get out of a driving ticket by telling the cop, "Well, I'm Nate Robinson from the Knicks," we weren't at all surprised.

Knick star Nate Robinson blasted rap music and got belligerent with a cop who stopped his SUV, then tried to use his hoop-player status to avoid being arrested.

Robinson, 25, was pulled over in The Bronx Tuesday for driving with an unfastened seat belt. Sources said he cranked up a rap song when the cop walked off to check his license, and then sang along when the officer returned.

The cop responded to these antics by saying, "Ok, Nate Robinson from the Knicks, you're under arrest."

Fantastic.

Robinson didn't actually spend time in the joint, but had he, we have zero doubt that he would have talked his way out of having a shower buddy.

No, no, no, yes, no, maybe two Long Islands, no, no, yes, three LIs, maybe but probably not

That's your National Champion Washington Huskies softball team on a beach surrounded by palm trees; so either they aren't in Seattle or they are in front of a green screen. Probably not in Seattle.

Uncoached dug up some pictures of your National Champion Washington Huskies and showed them in and out of their softball uniforms.

I used to have some classes with some of the softball players and they were pretty cute. They also needed assistance in Geology 100 and, boy, was I happy to help.

Her: What is this we're looking at?
Me: A rock.
Her: Is that why they call this Rocks for Jocks?
Me: That may be part of the reason, yeah.

I don't have much else to write. Here's another picture.


Your National Champion Washington Huskies softball team looks better in this picture. One girl is like totally licking that other girl's ear. And the one in the back right wants to do me. I think I know that guy. He was probably a Pike. If you flip your fucking bill up you were probably a Pike. The girl in the back left is saving herself for marriage but boy are guys going to test that.

Here's another picture.


Here is your National Champion Washington Huskies wearing party clothes. That's a nice apartment. Well furnished. Clean carpet. Good light. That poster is a cliché at this point but it doesn't erase the fact that this is a nice place to live.

The Washington Huskies won the National Championship in softball. I went to Washington.

(There are more pictures here. Hot Clicks was the only reason I knew about this post).

Montana to, ugh, hmm...TOUCHDOWN HUSKIES!

Who said 0-12 isn't a good recruiting tool? Fuck that, says, Nick Montana, who's daddy used to throw touchdowns and bang plenty of road beef.

Pictured throwing a football prior to nap time, the baby-faced Montana gave a verbal commitment to Washington where Steve Sarkisian will turn Montana into the next Matt Leinart or Mark Sanchez; he even has the similar 'N Sync look.

The last name doesn't automatically make Montana good, though he was ranked as the No. 13 QB by Scout.com. Even if he starts as a freshman in two years, Montana might see the remnants of a winless team. Devin Aguilar and Jermaine Kearse aren't exactly Rice and Taylor.

Bow Down, motherfuckers

Ah, the joy of winning a National Championship. Today the grass is greener, the sun warmer and the Washington football team didn't go 0-12 last season.

The UW softball team made us proud, sweeping top-seeded Florida and winning its first softball title.

Naturally, ESPN fucked up that above headline, suggesting that this was U-Dub's first national championship in any sport. It isn't.

The women's volleyball team won the title in 2005 and UW captured the NCAA football championship in 1991 behind guys named Mark Brunell and Steve Emtman, who you may or may not have heard of.

So today we are all champions. Bow down to Washington...

And the answer we were looking for is: 'Who is Isaiah Thomas?'

Isaiah Williams: Maryland footballer, child actor, 8-year-old drummer.

Isaiah Thomas: Washington basketball player.

The most brutal losses you've ever endured

We've been there, too, fellas. We've been there, too.

It had been a while -- one of the best parts about rooting for shitty teams -- but Saturday we experienced an "Ikea Game."

What's an "Ikea Game?"

n. A game which results in so much anger, frustration and disappointment that it causes one to destroy anything and everything in their living room, leading to a trip to Ikea.

Alternate names: "Game that makes you want to tear your fucking heart out and feed it to Jeffrey Dahmer," "I fucking hate sports," "Kill me now."

You might have heard that Cal beat Washington in triple OT. Oh, it was a good game, you say? Well stick a rake up your ass, you fucking asshole. There was nothing good about that game.

For an objective fan? Great game, right? WRONG! This game sucked for everyone. Even Cal fans should hate this game because Washington fucking lost and the whole world should mourn a UW loss. The people who enjoyed this game are the same people that believe genocide, famine and disease are good things; that Hitler was a motivator; and that "The White Stripes" are a good band.

Here's a perfect rubric on how to piss away a game:

-Regulation: Give up a 10-point lead with 6:04 left by trying to nurse the clock.

-2nd OT: With Huskies leading 77-74, Washington's Justin Dentmon misses the second of two free-throw tries with nine seconds to go. Cal's Patrick Christopher misses a long three-point try, but D.J. Seeley gets the rebound and is fouled by UW's Isaiah Thomas while making the putback with one second left. Seeley hits the free-throw try. Game goes to 3rd OT.

-3rd OT: With Huskies leading 85-83, Cal's Theo Robertson hits driving jumper, gets fouled and converts the three-point play with 15 seconds remaining. Dentmon misses a jumper with five seconds remaining.

To make matters worse, we followed this game on ESPN.com's GameCast. Didn't see a minute of it. Just saw numbers change on a computer screen. Numbers that made our apartment look like it was hit by a motherfucking tornado.

Yet, this was nothing in the grand scheme of our miserable existence as a sports fan. We've seen horrible collapses like this in much bigger settings -- playoff, World Series and March Madness games. This early-season bullshit doesn't even compare. Imagine us when the games really mattered; two words: Shit. Show.

But we want to hear about the worst games you've had to suffer through as a fan. 'Cause, hey, misery loves company.

Let's all have a good cry in the comments.

0-12. Oh my...

Photo courtesy of SFGate

Rock bottom.

It was a fitting end to a season many Husky fans will try to suppress. Cal 48, Washington 7. Jahvid Best 311 rushing yards, Washington 104.

The Dawgs become the first 0-12 team in Pac-10 history and the first winless Pac-10 team since Oregon State in 1980. Washington, of course, won the 2001 Rose Bowl; how quickly they have fallen.

What's next for Ty Willingham? Gonna take a year-long vacation, touring America's best golf courses? Coordinator job somewhere? The New Mexico State head-coaching position? (Who'd want an 0-12 coach?!)

Steve Sarkisian has officially been named the next UW coach. The keys are yours, man. Please don't crash.

There's no R you fucking asshole

Those of you who watched the Washington Huskies fire up brick after brick against the defending champion Jayhawks also heard Bobby Knight repeatedly refer to the Dawgs as WaRshington. The WaRshington Huskies.

"It's been a long night for the WaRshington Huskies."
"Brockman's having a tough not on the block for WaRshington."
"Romar's going to have to get WaRshington back on the free throw line."

It's WASH-ington you cocksmoker. Go throw a chair and see a speech therapist, you old bastard.

'Woohoo'

Cool hat.

You -- yeah, you -- can play quarterback for Washington State

High school football hero? Wanna impress that Tri-Delt you've been trying to nail? Feel the need to prove yourself to your militaristic father who's still pissed you chose choir over football in high school?

We got the answer for you: Try out to be the Washington State backup quarterback!

The need to cull a quarterback from the nearly 25,000 students became urgent because WSU lost starters Gary Rogers and Kevin Lopina to injury. Redshirt freshman Marshall Lobbestael, who began the season third on the depth chart, has started the past two games, and freshman J.T. Levenseller and redshirt freshman Dan Wagner are listed as backups.

It's good that first-year Cougs coach Paul Wulff is attributing the need to find a backup QB to multiple injuries opposed to, say, a 1-4 record with losses of 66-3 and 63-14.

Denial, they say, is the first step.

Drew Bledsoe can go fuck himself

Sorry. That headline is the Huskies in us talking. Still...

Drew Bledsoe, we don't salute you. Sure, you had a long and somewhat distinguished NFL career. Sure, you made it to the big game twice. Sure, you threw for like a shit-load of yards. But let's not forget the most important thing: you went to Wazzu. And got sacked like 800,000 times.

Fucker.

Now that Drew's retired, we can look back with some perspective on his career. Let's see. He lost his job to such great passers as Tony Romo and J.P. Losman. He lost a Superbowl and then watched another one wearing a headset. On the other hand, he's in the top 15 all time in passing yards, completions, and TD passes. Not bad for someone who's prone to Cougin' it.

Drew, we won't miss you. And please, for the love of God and Washington apples, make this your final decision. The last thing we need is another Brett Favre around here.