Monday, August 17, 2009

Reno: The Biggest Little Mistake in the World

What happens in Reno stays in Vegas.

Saturday we headed up to a Reno for a night of gambling, drinking, titties and vomit. It's an annual trip where we head up with a large group of guys and girls and have one mission: win a hundred million dollars while getting so unbelievably wasted you'd get a DUI for driving two days later.

Our game is blackjack and blackjack is the devil's game. Even if you play by basic strategy you're going to lose the second payment on your mortgage. I had one hand that made me want to go all Rae Carruth on the dealer.

Dealer showed a five up and I had two sevens. Split those motherfuckers and on the first I get an ace and the second I get another seven. Split those fuckers, too. I then get a face card and an eight and stayed. Dealer flips over his down card and shows paint. With 15 he hits and gets an ace. 16. Then this ass goblin hits and pulls a five. 21. I was ready to commit seppuku with a roulette wheel.

Meanwhile, everyone was really drunk and the girls had dresses on and shit and looked good and the single guys and the single girls did exactly what single guys and single girls should do in Reno.

Elsewhere, we went to the worst strip club/ cabaret in the biggest little whorehouse in the world. Cover was $10 and then we get put in a MOTHERFUCKING WAITING ROOM. A fucking waiting room. Then the waitress comes by and asks what I wanted to drink. Already down four hundred thousand dollars I asked for tap water. They say they only have bottled water and kindly mention there's a two-drink minimum. What is this shit? A fucking comedy club? We left before my $7 bottle of water came and before the bouncer could come turn me into part of the road.

No one actually puked but two dudes who came with us didn't go to sleep and were still drinking beer at 9:30 Sunday morning. Fantastic.

It was a good trip. I think I'm still drunk.


Vicki said...

I've spoken to a few people recently who all think the same thing about Reno.

JMC said...

I fucking love Reno. Great trip this year, can't wait for the next one.

GMoney said...

I notice that you left out the part where you got railroaded by Terry the rollerskating gay guy.

matt lipner said...

(and yes, gmoney, it was pride weekend in reno). next year i want to be one of the two guys who are still drinking at 9:30 the next day. this year i'll have to settle for the fact that my wife just clowned me because the glass of wine i had with dinner tonight (monday night) almost made me puke.

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