Excuse us while we go swallow a grenade

How's this for a fun sports weekend:

• Stanford 34, Washington 14
• Oregon 42, Cal 3
• Cubs 3, Giants 0; Cubs 6, Giants 2 -- all but formally eliminated the Giants from the playoff race.
  
• Minnesota 27, San Francisco 24 -- If that didn't put the icing on the fucking cake for an atrocious sports weekend, we've never had icing. Or cake.

Wow, looks like we're going to take up knitting, cooking or anything else that doesn't involve a motherfucking ball.

Can't remember much worse of a sports weekend. It's times like these where there is nothing fun about sports; it serves only as a recreational activity to tear out your heart with an ice cream scoop.

So forgive us if we aren't all smiles this week. We'll probably lock ourselves in a closet and dedicate our life to perfecting the French Knot.

We've been there too, buddy

Head in hands, on the brink of tears, wanting to punch a hole through a brick wall...just a day in the life of a tormented sports fan.

After Clemson's near comeback against Georgia Tech on Sept. 10, this Tigers fan didn't take the loss well.



Don't worry, friend. They put Virginia on the schedule for a reason.

Worse Week-1 loss: Bengals or Bills?

The first game of the season has the potential to be the best day of the year for bad teams: It is likely the only time they won't have a losing record.

So for the Cincinnati Bengals and Buffalo Bills, two teams not expected to be competitive in 2009, Week 1 had the potential to be so uplifting that it could've altered the fate of their seasons. Both had commanding leads in the waning minutes. A 1-0 record within reach.

Then...disaster.

First this:



Then this:



BOTH. SEASONS. ARE. OVER.

That's probably a given. Those are unfathomable losses. But which is worse?

The Case for Cincinnati: The Bengals had a one-point lead with .28 seconds left after scoring a go-ahead touchdown and had Denver backed up inside the 15. And then they gave up one of the flukiest plays we've seen in a long while, which essentially ended the game. Cincinnati didn't even get a real shot to counter Denver's score.

The Case for Buffalo: They had the preseason Super Bowl favorite all-but beat. Up 24-13 with 5:32 to go, all the Bills had to do was not fuck things up. Then they fucked things up. After giving up a late score, Leodis McKelvin fielded the ensuing kickoff, didn't kneel it despite receiving the kick on his back foot in the end zone, then fought for extra yards which resulted in a fumble. The Pats recovered and did what the Pats do when they recover fumbles with about a minute left: They scored the fucking touchdown and won the game.

We don't have a good answer on this. Cincinnati's loss is clearly worse, but Denver is supposed to be worse than they are, so really, they should've had the game wrapped up earlier. Buffalo had a win on the road against the best team in football and gave the game away.

Help us decide, football fans. Your pick in the comments.

This'll make you punch a hole through your motherfucking TV. And your garage door. And then we'll go ahead and break some more shit and kill a kitten

Sure, go ahead and walk Dexter Fowler to lead off the bottom of the 14th in a three-run game AFTER HE'S FOULED A BALL OFF HIS FUCKING KNEECAP AND CAN'T WALK AND SURE AS FUCK DOESN'T WANT TO SWING THE MOTHERFUCKING BAT.

Sure, go ahead and walk pitcher Adam Eaton, who hasn't had an at-bat all fucking season, WITH THE BASES FUCKING LOADED. ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL? THROW THE FUCKING BALL UNDERHAND IF YOU HAVE TO!

This is the worst game in the history of baseball and the history of organized sport. No need to play the rest of the season. Everyone on the Giants should be fired. They can field a team of monkeys against Arizona tonight. The Rockies are going to the playoffs and the Giants are going to hell.

Don't talk to us until football starts.

If we were A's fans, we'd be shopping for new furniture today

Sunday was a bad day to like the A's. Like whiskey/pistol bad. Like "Ikea Game" bad.

The line score above tells most of the story -- a blown save in the ninth, a really freakin' awful blown save in the 13th and a loss to the division-leading Mariners (what?!?!) in the rubber game of a three-game series.

Making matters worse, they played 15 innings, taxing the bullpen (Gio Gonzalez threw 108 pitches in five innings of relief) and forcing their starter from Friday night, Dana Eveland, to throw two days later (taking the loss Sunday after getting bombed in Game 1).

And, for the second time this weekend, Jose Lopez was the hero. Jose Lopez. A hero. Oil and water. The Mariners have a lineup that rivals only the Giants in futility and here comes Jose Lopez to get two walk-off hits in three days. That's stick-your-hand-in-a-fucking-blender frustrating.

The silver lining here is that Bay Area Ikeas should see some nice business today. Gooooooooo Economy!