Pre-gaming: Moving, 'Revenge,' and Aggie Punch

Moving fucking grinds my gears. Boxes, packing tape and storage really suck.

I had to move this week. It fucking grinded my gears. I already said that. Fuck you. I moved this week. And you didn't.

Carrying a 40-inch TV by yourself? Not fun. Having to move a sofa bed down three flights of stairs? I'd rather be covered in paper cuts and then go swim in the ocean. Trying to fit a queen-sized bed in a car? I will toss salad before doing that again.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING CLEAN!

Just when you think you're done -- the boxes are all out. Hooray! -- you're scrubbing the walls, dusting the shit out of the window blinds and cleaning the motherfucking fridge. You know how gross my fridge was? My girlfriend spilled Gatorade in there and then kept the contents of an entire farm in there for like three months. LETTUCE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BLACK!

Then, after you've become a professional cleaner, you expect to get your hefty deposit back. Oh? You still have to hire a cleaning service? FUCK YOU WITH HEDGE CLIPPERS.

So the moral of the story? Watch college football this weekend. (And don't ever leave your home.)

Who will be moving and shaking this week?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means: "It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Game on. All times Eastern.

None. Fuck this.

No. 19 Nebraska at No. 13 Virginia Tech, 3:30, ABC.

Hard-nosed, defensive-oriented, grind it out...all euphemisms for BORING FUCKING FOOTBALL. If the Beamer Ballers can score two TDs, they'll probably win. Virginia Tech 14, Nebraska 13.

No. 18 Utah at Oregon, 3:30, ESPN.

Don't sleep on Oregon. Bad showing in Boise, but this Oregon team is loaded with talent. Now that they're unranked, be weary of those mighty Ducks. Oregon 38, Utah 35.

Texas Tech at No. 2 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Taylor Potts could throw for 821 yards and the Red Raiders would still lose by two touchdowns.

"Texas has one word in mind: Revenge." (Guarantee that's Brent Musburger's open!) Texas 42, Texas Tech 28. (Potts throws for 821 yards in the loss).

No. 17 Cincinnati at Oregon State, 6:45 p.m., TV?

Big, big week for the Pac-10. The Quizz show is going to be televised in Big East country. Oregon State 24, Cincinnati 21.

Florida State at No. 7 BYU, 7 p.m., TV?

Tennessee at No. 1 Florida, 12:3o p.m., CBS.

Florida's going to run up the score in this one. Lane Kiffin's gonna start watching what he says in the offseason. Florida 54, Tennessee 26.

No. 23 Georgia at Arkansas, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Michigan State at Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Aggie Punch


2 shots Gold tequila (Cuervo)
1 splash Lime juice
6 oz Apple-cranberry juice

Combine ingredients and stir. Best served over ice and in a clear glass.

In honor of Texas A&M, UC Davis and any other Aggies out there, this one's for you.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Florida State


Ah, the Tomahawk. A bit cliché at this point, but a nice subtlety on the helmet. Very good, FSU. Now about that 19-9 win over Jacksonville State...

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Wisconsin Badgers


The girl on the right looks like Elisha Cuthbert in a "I'm 19, shaved and just blew a Sigma Chi in the bathroom kind of way."

(Photo via Big 10 Poon).

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"oqa˚π∑q119Pkn!#&" (Win the battle in the trenches).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Southern Miss (-15) over Virginia. UVA is this year's Washington State. Until the 'Hoos can beat William & Mary, I'm picking against them.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-1

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

USC Defense

The only thing that matters in this league is scoring. Points allowed, turnovers forced, sacks...they don't mean shit. You can shutout a team, force 26 turnovers and sack the QB 418 times and you still won't get any points. But give up 63 points, force no turnovers and don't even once hurry the quarterback, yet score two TDs, you have the Defense of the Motherfucking Year.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

20-25, 270 yards, 3 TD. Against the 14th-ranked team. Until Tebow and McCoy start playing real universities, this Harris thing might have legs.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia. This isn't going well at all. Let the students wear the shirt and tie. The sea of orange isn't working.
2. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. This "internship" is nearing it's end.
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State. Five days of golf a week might start sounding good for the 79-year-old Bowden.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Notre Dame's Victory March


South Bend would prefer to be hearing this a little more often.

Babe of the Week:

Carin Ashley


Yes! Yes! Yes!

Full gallery here. I would love to be that robe.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better?! Make Week 3 your bitch.

P.S. I totally scraped Zach

Wait, what the fuck? Joe Saunders is a lefty?

We've had Joe Saunders and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers on our fantasy for the last two years. That's perhaps the first question:

1. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

The second question would be:

2. Why do you have Joe Saunders on your fantasy team?

We'd like you to know that we're in eighth place (out of 10 teams) in our league, meaning we're fucking awesomer than two other team. Joe Saunders, and his mid-four ERA and low strikeout numbers, is responsible for that.

All this time, though, we thought he was a slightly taller, less fat version of Kevin Appier who knew better than to play for Kansas City. Turns out we were wrong on all accounts.

It seems that he's about equally as tall and fat as Kevin Appier but HE'S LEFT FUCKING HANDED! How could this have possibly slipped through the cracks of our baseball wisdom.

Call us bad baseball brainiacs. Or National League fans.

Some one drew a dick on Leodic McKelvin's lawn

Scary when professional athletes' homes are the subject of vandalism and draws into question privacy issues as well as the line between a fan and a fucking idiot.

After Buffalo's fucking terrible loss Monday to those assholes from Boston, in which McKelvin couldn't hold onto the football, some one thought he should be reminded of it by defacing his lawn.

An artist's rendering is below:


Instead the vandal drew a penis and not a spaceship.

In South America you get killed for something like this. So some graffiti ain't exactly life-threatening, but it does draw into question the privacy of the players and all that bullshit that you can read on a website that is more politically correct.

Drawing penises is funny, as evident in Superbad, so maybe the vandal was Jonah Hill or some one else fascinated with drawing dicks. Regardless, McKelvin's privacy was violated, he needs to protect his family and he needs to learn how to fucking accept a touchback.

A voice from above

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

When the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum opened its turnstiles to East Bay baseball fans, there were two voices booming loudly. In the broadcast booth, it was Monty Moore detailing the exploits of the likes of Jim “Catfish” Hunter throwing a perfect game and “helping his own cause” by getting three RBI. A few rooms over, a bushy-haired man sat booming the names to the fans below. That man: Roy Steele.

Dubbed “The Voice of God” by Jon Miller, Steele has been the voice of the Oakland Athletics since 1968. He is the West Coast version of the Yankees Bob Sheppard. Like Sheppard, however, Steele is no longer able to work the Coliseum’s Public Address System.

As a young A’s fan in the late '80s, I can distinctly remember the names of Mark McGwire and Dave Henderson echoing through the Coliseum. It always highlighted the experience of sitting in the stands at the Coliseum. Not to mention the fact that A’s were consistently contending for the Commissioner’s Trophy (World Series Trophy) each year. I have never had the opportunity to meet Roy Steele but I would like very much do.

The reason for this is simple: I met Bill King in 2004 during Spring Training. This is the first and only time I’ve met an announcer in any sport. Because I was a bit out of the loop sports wise, my lauding of Bill King did not resonate the way it should. It also hurt his cause that I wasn’t hearing him broadcast Warriors or Raiders games when I was a kid.

Roy Steele, on the other hand, has been a constant voice I have heard throughout my childhood. I like Dick Callahan -- the current voice of the Coliseum and the Cal Bears -- well enough. He is a jovial sort and does a good job. The problem is that he is the unenviable position of following Roy Steele.

The same is true of Vince Cotroneo who was hired by the A’s after Bill King’s untimely passing in 2005. I can only think of one situation in which the man following a legend did so without a “bump in the road”: Harry Kalas.

In addition to having been the voice of the Phillies since 1971, Kalas became the full-time voice of NFL films after John Facenda passed in 1984. Facenda created many of the great voice over moments in the history of NFL films. For Bay Area purposes, one of his greatest was “The Autumn Wind is a Raider.” The combination of the musical score and Facenda’s voice is what Hawaiians call a “chicken skin” moment.

This only one moment in a sea of other, slower transitions from one voice to another. Like many things, I just miss “The Voice of God” as it hearkens back to a simpler time when Dave Henderson’s name boomed through the stands.

Worse Week-1 loss: Bengals or Bills?

The first game of the season has the potential to be the best day of the year for bad teams: It is likely the only time they won't have a losing record.

So for the Cincinnati Bengals and Buffalo Bills, two teams not expected to be competitive in 2009, Week 1 had the potential to be so uplifting that it could've altered the fate of their seasons. Both had commanding leads in the waning minutes. A 1-0 record within reach.

Then...disaster.

First this:



Then this:



BOTH. SEASONS. ARE. OVER.

That's probably a given. Those are unfathomable losses. But which is worse?

The Case for Cincinnati: The Bengals had a one-point lead with .28 seconds left after scoring a go-ahead touchdown and had Denver backed up inside the 15. And then they gave up one of the flukiest plays we've seen in a long while, which essentially ended the game. Cincinnati didn't even get a real shot to counter Denver's score.

The Case for Buffalo: They had the preseason Super Bowl favorite all-but beat. Up 24-13 with 5:32 to go, all the Bills had to do was not fuck things up. Then they fucked things up. After giving up a late score, Leodis McKelvin fielded the ensuing kickoff, didn't kneel it despite receiving the kick on his back foot in the end zone, then fought for extra yards which resulted in a fumble. The Pats recovered and did what the Pats do when they recover fumbles with about a minute left: They scored the fucking touchdown and won the game.

We don't have a good answer on this. Cincinnati's loss is clearly worse, but Denver is supposed to be worse than they are, so really, they should've had the game wrapped up earlier. Buffalo had a win on the road against the best team in football and gave the game away.

Help us decide, football fans. Your pick in the comments.

Morning Headlines: Patriots 25, Bills 24

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Patriots-Bills box score].

-Big second quarter lifts Pats past Bills

-Dazzling debuts: Owens in Buffalo, Taylor in New England

-Jauron looking forward to home opener against Tampa Bay

Leodis McKelvin!!!! HOLD ON TO THE FUCKING BALL!

Talk some MNF in the comments.

Reason 2,193 why Gus Johnson is fucking awesome

Really not a good way to start the season for Cincy. That kinda sucks. And the Bengals were going to be very bad anyway, so this isn't good. The Bengals could be the '08 Lions. This is not good at all. Why doesn't this happen to New England? We suppose the answer to that would be that the Pats would be leading by more than a point at home against the lowly Broncos. But, eesh, what a horrible way to lose. LOVE Johnson's call, though.

Ohio State-USC GameDay photos

Our friends friends Busted Coverage were in Columbus for USC's win over Ohio State Saturday. The Buckeyes' play was underwhelming, as expected, but we'll tip our cap to the OSU students for creativity.

Pre-Gaming: O U are fucked

If you root for Oregon (UO) or Oklahoma (OU) -- funny how acronyms work -- you've probably got reacquainted with your pal Jack Daniels and your other buddies Smith & Wesson this week.

Really about as shitty as an opening game can be. Which, though, was worse?

The case for Oregon: Loses one of its best players for the year (LeGarrette Blount), the offense looks average at best and "image" is now more of a concern than fixing the spread option.

The case for Oklahoma: Now has an uphill battle getting back to the BCS title game (will need to win out and probably get help) and isn't exactly sure how long Sam Bradford will be sidelined.

Also, very bad, were the weekends for Blount and Bradford. Bradford, a virtual lock to be the top pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, sees his elite draft status possibly in limbo and can kiss a second Heisman goodbye.

Blount now might not be running on Sundays and can kiss the 2009 season goodbye. But Blount does have one good thing going for him. Orson of EDSBS fame puts it best:

He’s as completely suspended as Byron Hout was completely bitchmade by Blount’s sucker punch. Unsportsmanlike? Oh, certainly. Dirty? Completely, yes, but shit, would you so much as step on Blount’s shadow without his permission now? Somewhere he and Ron Artest are walking through a suburban mall right now punching people in the face randomly and talking about how awesome smoothies are.

Smoothies are the fucking balls.

Whose season will get ruined this week?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means: "It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Let's do this! All times Eastern.

No. 3 USC at No. 8 Ohio State, 8 p.m., ESPN

The Big 10, year after year, pretends to have an elite team just for them to be exposed by better teams from better conferences when it counts. Look at Ohio State the last, shit, 10 years. The Big 10 has lost its last six Rose Bowls and hasn't won one in nine years. I would put money on a mid-tier SEC team dropping the best Big 10 squad at a neutral site.

So despite the Buckeyes being at home, despite Terrell Pryor being similar to Vince Young and despite Jim Tressel's sweater vest, there is no valid reason why anyone should think that Ohio State can win this game. USC 38, Ohio State 14.

None. Fuck.

No. 18 Notre Dame at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC:

I think that if somehow these teams were both equally embarrassed, at the same time, by each other, on the same day (tough task), the sun would shine brighter on Sunday. Notre Dame 28, Michigan 24.

UCLA at Tennessee, 4 p.m., ESPN.

Lane Kiffin's a douchebag. Rick Neuheisel's a douchebag. Something's gotta give. Tennessee 41, UCLA 30.

Stanford at Wake Forest, noon, Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Fisting in a Mexican Prison


1 oz 1800 Tequila
2 oz cranberry juice
1 splash fresh lime juice

Shake the tequila, cranberry juice and the lime juice in a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Strain into a salt-rimmed cocktail glass with a lime wedge, and serve.

This awesomely-named drink doesn't look the part, but should be perfect for girlie-girls and UCLA fans. Drink these in honor of those sodomized.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Michigan


These are new, yes? I can't decide if I like them or not but I don't think I do and I don't like Michigan. So fuck you, Rich Rodriguez.

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Clemson Tigers


South Carolina can fly any flag it likes as long as it has girls like this! (Not really, though. That's a pretty backwards state).

(Photo via ACC Poon)

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Jkl˚a&ˆ©p2a,lk1{?q" (The fourth quarter's ours).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Army over Duke (pick). Duke couldn't beat it's fucking basketball team. Give me the Cadets Black Knights without points on the board.

Whoa, whoa. Who the fuck are the Black Knights? What happened to the Cadets? You can't just change your fucking mascot when you've been around since fucking 1802.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-0

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

LeGarrette Blount, RB, Oregon

Think about the fantasy implications before you go off and get all assault-y, bro. This is the equivalent to Adrian Peterson tearing his ACL in Week 1 except if he was still in college and cold cocked a bitch.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

Jacory Harris is going to win this award. He's the next Gino Torretta.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Greg Robinson, Syracuse. Greg Paulus won't save you, man.
2. Al Groh, Virginia. Love the crew-neck sweatshirt. Don't love losing to William & Mary.
3. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. Beat Michigan and people will stop talking about your job security and instead recollect your weight-loss surgery.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Florida's The Orange and the Blue



I'm getting really fucking sick of hearing this tune in BCS games. Someone take out Tebow's legs already.

Babe of the Week:

Nichole Jackson


Hi there, Nichole with an H. Nice to meet you. I like college football and sex. Do you wanna have sex and watch college football?

Full gallery here. Jergens recommended.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better?! Here's to some good games!

TBP Fantasy Smackdown

Well folks, the NFL season is finally upon us and as luck would have it Zach and myself, contributor JMC, are already matched up in our fantasy league for Week 1. Zach already whined about his team, and now we get to see the first team he'll lose to. Take a look at the matchup and make your predictions in the comments. Full disclosure: I had the 1st pick (and hence, the 20th), while Zach had the 5th and 16th, and so on.

Getting reunited with the stirrup sock

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

One of the great phrases of all-time was whoever first referred to the NFL as the “No Fun League.” The fact that there are “uniform police” in the NFL borders on the fully ridiculous. One of the best examples of this was Jon Kitna getting fined by the NFL because he wasn’t wearing a Bengals hat during his post game press conference. Never mind that the hat was orange, it was more that it was religious. That is a different argument for a different time. What bothers me is not the NFL and its “uniform police.” What pisses me off is the lack of a “uniform police” in Major League Baseball.

I don’t know who first started wearing the uniform pants all the way to the shoe tops but has to stop. I could argue that this is a safety issue because people like Manny Ramirez look like he’s going to trip over himself. The issue is the disappearance of the stirrup sock. What is the stirrup sock you ask? It is generally a solid color sock worn over a “sanitary sock.” The A’s, for example, wore a green stirrup sock over a gold sanitary sock. The Cardinals wear the “barber pole” socks favored by Brendan Ryan and others. Most of the stirrup socks, however, were a simple solid color.

I realize that the authoritarian nature of league officials is bad for sports. No one wants to have people telling Jon Kitna what hat to wear or Wayne Gretzky how to tape his stick. What is at stake here is the definition of the word “uniform.” As I have heard one Adam Carolla yell on a few occasions, it is about “uniformity” or “sameness.”

I want people to wear stirrup socks because it is a safety issue. Take the aforementioned Manny Ramirez. The way he wears his uniform makes it look as though it is at least two sizes two big. This is compounded by the fact that the cuffs of his pant hang low over the back of his cleats. I can’t remember what Mr. Ramirez’s contract is worth, but I doubt Frank McCourt, Ned Colletti, or Joe Torre would like to see him blow out his ACL because he tripped over his pants.

On a selfish level, the stirrup sock look is a classic look that further makes each team unique. From the Kelly green and Fort Knox gold of the A’s to the Oriole orange, stirrup socks were an extra reminder of the team’s colors. Frankly, my only regret is that the Giants used to wear black stirrup sock but white and not orange sanitary socks.

There is hope on the horizon. A’s rookie pitcher Josh Outman donned the traditional A’s stirrup socks and showcased them to the general sporting public until he was shelved by surgery on his pitching elbow. I know one person can’t reverse a trend, so if Manny Ramirez wouldn’t mind tripping while rounding first, “That’d be great.”

Foul Ball Etiquette

It's not easy getting a foul ball. Some people go to hundreds of games and leave with nothing but a lighter wallet. If you're lucky enough to be in foul-ball range, here's some proper etiquette to make sure you don't get jumped in the parking lot.

6a. Put down your fucking beer if you're serious about getting a ball.


There are three beers in that picture, two of which will surely spill on someone who won't get the ball. Put the beer down, put on your glove and act like a professional.

6b. Bring a glove -- if you don't, get the fuck out of the way.

Like seriously, bring a glove. People will think you're a true fan and not some corporate schmuck who is giving downtown ballparks a bad name.

5. Don't steal the ball from the kid when the umpire tosses it in the stands.


That poor girl doesn't stand a chance at getting the ball. If you're making a leaping grab on an Albert Pujols liner, fine. But when the ump casually tosses the ball to the crowd in between innings, let the little kid have the glory. Baseball is for the kids, after all.

4. If you chase a ball down the aisle in section 406 during a day game at Dolphin Stadium, do not pat yourself on the back.


I could get a foul ball in the nosebleeds at Marlins game while simultaneously jerking off, online shopping and making a peanut butter sandwich. If you happen to get an easy one, sit right back down and enjoy the rest of the game.

3. If you make a good catch, don't jump up and down like an idiot; act like you've been there before.

You've brought your glove, are in position and then Matt Kemp rips one in your vicinity and you leap and get it! Great catch, dude, but you didn't help the home team win. Enjoy the applause as you happily sit down without making a scene.

2. When do you have to give the ball to a kid?


Tough question. Let's decipher this from a few angles:

If you're at the game with your kid:

ALWAYS give the ball to your kid. Wanna pay for years of therapy down the road? Fuck. No. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! Give it to your kid.

If you don't have kids, but there's a kid sitting close by:

1. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! It's yours. Keep it, frame it and send a text to your GF who won't give two fucks that you caught a foul ball.

2. The ball bounces off three people, rolls down the aisle and it accidentally lands in your hand? Your call. But karma says give it to the kid. If not, a flat tire's coming your way.

3. The ball bounces off the kid's glove right in front of you, rolls down the aisle and accidentally lands in your hand? No-brainer. Give it to the kid.

If it's Adults-Only Night and there is no kid anywhere in the stadium.

Doesn't matter the circumstances. Give it to your girlfriend. You might actually get laid.

1. Don't pull a Bartman.


If you reach into the field of play,

1. Leave the stadium immediately
2. Find the nearest train tracks
3. Wait
4. Keep waiting
5. Stare the train down
6. Move at the last minute.
7. (If a repeat offender) don't move at the last minute.

Any omissions in the comments, please.

A shot at jail by strangling Tila Tequila

We're not quite sure who Tila Tequila is and why she does what she does, but Shawne Merriman probably shouldn't be banging her (she probably has an entire village of insects down there, bro) and he probably shouldn't have tried to strangle her despite her being fucking obnoxious.

She's not even really hot. She weighs like 89 pounds, so there could be advantages to that. She's the type you could probably bang upside down against a palm tree while a family of four watched. But, wait, what? WHO THE FUCK IS TILA TEQUILA? It shows she had a lot of friends on MySpace. We have like 140 friends on Twitter. And we want nothing to do with Merriman and his assault-hawk.

The changing landscape of fantasy football

It was the late 90s (early 200s?) where the first round of most fantasy football drafts saw quarterback after quarterback go.

Then things switched the last few years, with the emphasis on running backs. Popular draft strategies in our leagues the last few years would take running backs with your top three picks.

Now things have changed again because NFL coaches want to do everything possible to fuck you in a fantasy league. Oh, you're going to get Donald Brown involved? Fantastic. Fuck you with a lead a pipe.

And, maybe it's just us, but there aren't as many really good players as there used to be. Marshall Faulk, Priest Holmes, Daunte Culpepper...these guys were STUDS! Now we have decent NFL players elevated to elite fantasy status because they're in the right system. Matt Forte is not that good of a player. Neither is Chris Johnson.

Now, because of the shared backfields and lack of great talent, you have the top receivers going in the first round of some drafts. Seems weird drafting a guy who theoretically could go a full game without touching the ball. And everyone says to avoid QBs in the early rounds, maybe because there is such depth. But Matt Schaub is not going to win you much of anything.

Fuck all of this. WE HATE OUR TEAM. IT IS FUCKING TERRIBLE. (We'd masturbate to our bench, though! Beanie Wells, Michael Jenkins, Matt Schaub, Donald Brown, Steve Smith NYG and Glen Coffee). We should've drafted a kicker, defense and tight end with our first three picks. Instead you can figure out what we did by looking at the above graphic.

How'd we do? Marshall Faulk wasn't eligible to pick. Bummer.

Morning Headlines: Miami 38, Florida State 34

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Miami-FSU box score].

-Javarris James leads ground attack for 'Canes

-Big 4th leads to 'easy' win for Miami

-Bowden: 'The missed extra point killed us'

Fun Opening Weekend of football. Your Florida-football headlines in the comments.

Happy Labor Day

Mindi would like to wish you a happy Labor Day and would suggest that you wash your car today while simultaneously masturbating six times.

See you tomorrow.

Jac of All Ne...BOOBS!

Remember Would you do... cheerleader Jaclyn? She competed in the WYD Round 3 tournament and made it to the Final Four before being ousted by eventual champion Meghan.

It looks like Jaclyn, who, turns out, has a last name, has parlayed her Would you do... fame into a Web show for the Nets. Below is one of the episodes. You can thank reader Frigidevil for the jerk material. Happy Friday fuckers!

Advice for Pacman as he heads north

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

So the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have a new defensive back in one Adam “Pacman” Jones. Now Adam is a Georgia native who went to college at West Virginia. It snows on occasion in West “Fuckin” Virginia and in Morgantown, in specific. But this is “The Great White North” and the province that brought us Monty Hall. With that in mind, here are a few quick tips for Adam.

1. Winnipeg is located in Manitoba which is one of Canada’s 13 provinces.

2. The Canadian equivalent of the dollar is called a loonie and is a coin. You cannot “Make it Rain” with coins.

3. When people in Winnipeg refer to the “Jets”, they will not make any reference to Ken O’Brien.

4. DO NOT BADMOUTH WAYNE GRETZKY!!!

5. Yes, that is curling on TV.

6. Canadians are generally a friendly people but making fun of hockey is not advised.

7. Canadians also play rugby quite a bit. If you thought Hines Ward hit hard, try getting in a scrum.

8. The man with the loud suits on CBC at 8:00EST on Saturdays during hockey season is not, I repeat not, Howard Cosell or Craig Sager.

9. Make sure you have many warm coats/anoraks.

10. The head of the Canadian government is Prime Minister Steven Harper.

11. DO NOT BADMOUTH JOHN CANDY!!!

12. Canadian beer is stronger than beer “in the States.”

13. There are three downs in the CFL.

14. The field is 150 yards long and 65 yards wide.

15. The Grey Cup, much like its hockey counterpart the Stanley Cup, is larger and weighty. Should you and the Blue Bombers win one, make sure to lift with your knees.

Bonne chance, Monsieur Jones. While you are in Winnipeg, please remember that you are representing the United States to a small extent. As someone who likes Canada quite a bit, I would appreciate it if I didn’t hear that you and Link Gaetz are having a boxing match.

Pre-Gaming: Welcome back

Welcome back, you sexy bitch of a college football season. I've missed you. Come here. Give Daddy a little kiss. No, not there...

Whew. College fucking football! Back. The beginning. This is the point of the year when we have the most college football available. Fan-fucking-tastic.

With college football infiltrating our homes once again, The Big Picture is your Pre-Gaming home every Friday through Bowl Season. (Though we're running it Thursday this week because there's a big fucking Northwest bukkake fest tonight!)

I did this for PlayboyU.com last season, however with Hef only splurging for Viagra and new tits for his girlfriends, The Big Picture is your exclusive home for Pre-Gaming. (Read: I'm not getting paid to write this anymore. Fuck! But at least I got a Cyber Club Pass out of the deal!) You'll notice the Playboy theme of the column, which will stay the same because college football fans also like tits. Hey, it was either Bunnies or helmet stickers, so you're welcome very much.

Welcome back if you've been here before, if not, welcome, and let's get this shit started right! Some fun Week 1 match ups that I'll dissect without real insight and rather with cock jokes and swear words. College football is back, baby! I'm excited. Are you?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means: "It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Opening Week. FUCK and YES! All times Eastern.

No. 5 Alabama vs. No. 7 Virginia Tech, in Atlanta, 8 p.m., ABC

This will have the feel of a Sugar Bowl, except it's only September, the ACC doesn't often play in the Sugar Bowl and this game is being played in Atlanta.

Nonetheless, big-time feel from Week 1. Last year Alabama used Week 1 to make a statement by crushing another ACC foe, then No. 9 Clemson, while Va. Tech was shocked by East Carolina. Winner of this game is an instant National Championship contender. The loser? I have a feeling, if this game gets ugly, that they'll lose five games and fire some coordinators.

I couldn't tell you much about these teams except John Parker Wilson's ancestors probably were slave owners (and he's no longer at 'Bama) and the Hokies' Darren Evans has a boo-boo that a Band-Aid won't fix. It's going to be physical, rough and there will probably be 27 punts. BUT PRIMETIME BABY! Alabama 17, Virginia Tech 13.

No. 13 Georgia at No. 9 Oklahoma State, 3:30 p.m., ABC:

Remember when Georgia was the preseason No. 1 last year and they weren't very good because everyone thought Matthew Stafford was really good but he threw a five-yard slant about 40 yards down field? Yeah, last year didn't work out so well. But the last time the Bulldogs had to replace a strong starting backfield was 2005 and nobody thought UGA would be good and then they won the SEC, which you have to be good to do.

Stillwater will be rocking, but the SEC is knocking. (Fuck me sideways for writing that). Georgia 28, Oklahoma St. 24

No. 16 Oregon at No. 14 Boise State, Thursday, 10:15 p.m., ESPN:

Check it out: you can create your own Oregon uniform combination. That's pretty fun. You could play there for like five minutes. I liked the all white. The wings, though, are a big fucking mistake.

I once interviewed Broncos QB Kellen Moore when he was in high school. He was very polite but was a terrible quote. Oregon 42, Boise State 30.

No. 3 Oklahoma vs. No. 20 BYU, in Dallas, 7 p.m., ESPN.

Miami at No. 18 Florida State, Monday, 8 p.m., ABC:

This rivalry is missing a brawl. Like a big one. When FSU and The U meet I feel like it's all talk, but no follow through. Fuck that. Follow through. I'm certainly looking your way, Miami, to start this. Florida State 24, Miami 14.

No. 11 LSU at Washington, 10:15 p.m., ESPN.

This is probably the only time winless-in-'08 UW will be able to get in this column, so love for the Alma mater is necessary. Washington 274, LSU -6.

Colorado State at Colorado, Sunday, 7 p.m., No TV?. Shouldn't this rivalry have a name? Oh. It does. The Rocky Mountain Showdown? Yeah. That makes sense. Colorado 17, Colorado State 10.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Gin and Tonic


2 oz. gin
5 oz tonic water
1 lime wedge

Pour the gin and the tonic water into a highball glass almost filled with ice cubes. Stir well. Garnish with the lime wedge.

I recommend using either Tanq or Bombay. Beefeater is for 70-year-olds and people with fucked up accents.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Ohio State


One of the classics, this helmet must look empty if you suck. If you look closely, the sticker sorta resembles a pot leaf. Coincidence? Ask Maurice Clarett.

Hot Student Section of the Week:

LSU Tigers


Will she be in Seattle, Saturday? It looks like she has some friends, too.

(Photo via Poon of the SEC)

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"ƒ©Axpo?&π,aQ" (Take the crowd out of the game).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Nevada at Notre Dame (-14.5). Notre Dame, unfortunately, is going to be "back" this year which upsets just about anyone outside of South Bend and Catholicism. But the Irish should be good. Nevada not so much. The Wolfpack don't still have Nick Fazekas, do they?

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 0-0

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Pete Carroll, coach, USC

I play in a Pac-10-only fantasy league. I might as well burn a 10-dollar bill. But it gives me reason to root for Arizona State's kicker.

And now Carroll can't give me consistency at running back, so rather than draft a stud, I'm stuck with a second-stringer who will probably get hurt by the second quarter of Saturday's game.

Stop platooning, you fucking asshole.

Heisman Watch:

1. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
2. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
3. Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma

These will be the only three guys that matter all year. This order will probably change on a weekly basis. Nod to Tebow because he's the best player on the best team. He still probably hasn't had sex.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

USC's Tribute to Troy



Dun dun dun dun...

(Fight On, meanwhile, is for pussies and, seemingly, anytime USC runs an offensive play).

Babe of the Week:

Hillary Fisher


Wow! That hands-over-the-boobs things is so hot and so frustrating at the same time. Just slide them down, darling. Your hips are nice to hold onto too.

Full gallery here. Tissues not included.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better! May all of your teams be National Championship contenders after Week 1. Enjoy the games!

Not sexy: the girl who thinks she knows sports, but doesn't

Some guys are into a girl who loves sports. She'll watch the ballgame with you, talk strategy with you over Grilled Salmon and Pilaf and bang you while wearing a football jersey.

I am not one of those guys. Hearing a chick talk about sports is about as much of a turnoff as unshaven armpits after a trip to the gym.

And it doesn't stem from the, "A girl should be girlie and talk about shopping and makeup and Rachel Getting Married" argument. It more comes from the fact that I have a hard time telling a girl she's fucking wrong.

I was talking to one of my girlfriend's friends the other night. The Giants game was on and I was watching closely. The friend then starts saying how frustrating it is when the Giants keep giving up so many runs and the offense better keep up this offensive output if they want to compete in the AL West. And it's a good thing Sandoval's been pitching well lately.

BITCH, YOU ARE WRONG! (I smiled and nodded my head).

It's nice that a girl wants to keep up, but dammit, I know far too much about sports to be talking to a girl about it. (Eeesh, did I just go there).

In all fairness, there are women who know sports well and can talk a good game. I've never met this woman, but I'm sure she exists outside of REM sleep.

The girls I know -- even the ones dubbed "sports fans" -- just can't keep up, though. And I don't expect them to. I've wasted more days, years and living-room furniture over sports than I care to think about. Girls just don't have that sorta time. They have to paint their toenails and shit.

I'm an asshole and I have no idea how to talk to girls. That's already established. But I really don't know how to talk to a girl about sports. Because it's frustrating for me to hear about UNC's historic football program, how Brett Favre will do good things this year for the Packers and how maybe this will be the Royals' year.

Sweetheart, this won't be the Royals' year. Why don't you go watch The Notebook and make some crab cakes?

[I'm never going to have sex again.]

Jeez, Erin Andrews, get off your high horse

Did you know that Erin Andrews hasn't been on TV since her "incident" where she was hardly visible through blurry lines, yet was naked and then the Internet pounced and thus there was an "incident?" She hasn't. Cause and effect, too. That seems a bit unnecessary.

Yet Andrews recently went on Oprah to talk about this horrible incident where she was hardly visible through blurry lines and will try to put this behind her.

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that having secretly videotaped nude footage of her distributed on the Internet was a "nightmare."

Scary. Like that dream where you're falling. Or being chased. Or where you have to pull the trigger to shoot the bad guy but you don't have the strength to pull the trigger because you're in REM sleep. Or the dream where you're naked in public...Oh. Hmm.

Andrews also tells Winfrey she "opened up the computer [and] could feel my heart pounding."

Who knows who may have seen the video of her as she was hardly visible through blurry lines? What if her dad saw it? Oh no!

Andrews will be working on air Thursday night for the first time since the video became widespread news. She'll be the sideline reporter for ESPN's broadcast of South Carolina at North Carolina State.

Ooh, South Carolina vs. NC State. Could be OK. What will Spurrier have up his leave? NC State hasn't been good in a while. Who are we kidding? This game isn't going to be very good at all. Probably will try to get in some Netflix instead. Or maybe read a book. Reading books is way underrated, yet we feel people -- including us -- don't do it enough. There are some very good books out there. We should check them out. But the ones Oprah suggests are bullshit. Don't listen to her.

Anyways, Andrews has every right to file lawsuits and do legal stuff with lawyers and courts and Judge Judy, but it's over, you could hardly make out a boob, and nobody really cares anymore. Shouldn't we be making a bigger deal out of the fact that you're dating David Wright? Conflict of interest, man.

[Unrelated: We were sent some awesome sports keychains from Wholesale Keychains. They were awesome in a keychain kind of way. Whatever that means.]

Matt Ryan has a symmetrical face, is handsome

Matt Ryan, pictured with eyes and ears on both side of his face, is said to be the most handsome NFL quarterback according to one of those studies that studies things that nobody really cares about.

According to researchers, his face is almost perfectly symmetrical -- a trait that shows a strong correlation to a person's perceived attractiveness. While the average person's face is somewhere around 90% symmetrical, Mr. Ryan scored a 99.8%, which puts him in elite territory.

Matt Ryan likely does just fine for himself; he's an NFL quarterback, took a team to the playoffs in his rookie year, and, gosh, what symmetry!

The list's top 10 is below and Tom Brady is eighth, Tony Romo is No. 23 and Matt Leinart isn't mentioned. Those guys all do pretty well when it comes to symmetrical women.

The Falcons are thought to compete in the NFC Sou...FUCK! Look at that symmetry! We'll be back in a while.



[WSJ via Ben Maller]