Pre-gaming: Wild Wild West

Welcome to the Pac-10, the only conference that actually matters this season.

With things all but settled in all of the major conferences (and pretty much have been for weeks), we turn our attention to out own backyard where all hell has broken loose and we'll see the first non-USC BCS team since the Joey Harrington Years.

My former colleague, Bud Withers of The Seattle Times, breaks it down for you nicely, including the six-team-doomsday-scenario. This time of year, by the way, I FUCKING LOVE DOOMSDAY scenarios.

It's always fun and dandy until someone gets left out, and then they settle for the Holiday Bowl or Sun Bowl, which neither is a holiday or has a sunny outlook. Seriously, Stanford has had a great year, yet if things break wrong, the Cardinal could play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Seriously, the Armed Forces Bowl.

With a weak slate of games this week, the Pac-10 is really the the only thing that matters. What's gonna get shaken up this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Chattanooga, 'Bama.

None. Zero. Zilch. Thanks for scheduling Florida International, Gators.

No. 11 Oregon at Arizona, 8 p.m., ABC: Arizona has three losses. One came in a close game at then-good Iowa. The second came on a fluke interception against Washington. The third happened when the driving 'Cats made a bad penalty (only one forward pass per play, Nick Foles) and ultimately lost another close game. So Arizona is really 9-0 and in the BCS Title hunt.

Oh, and the winner of this game has the inside track to the Rose Bowl. Nothing on the line, though. Oregon 38, Arizona 31.

No. 10 Ohio State at Michigan, noon, ABC: It's not that this is a good game or anything, but rivalries are rivalries and this is one of the better ones. Ohio State will continue to play not to lose (until they realize that method is no good when they get slaughtered in Pasadena in January), while Michigan will play not to get Rich Rodriguez fired which could certainly happen if the Wolverines continue to play like the Raiders. Ohio State 6, Michigan 2.

No. 8 LSU at Mississippi, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
No. 16 Wisconsin at Northwestern, 3:30 p.m., Big 10 Network.
Oklahoma at Texas Tech, 12:30 p.m., TV?
Kansas at No. 3 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Cuba Libre


2 oz. light rum
Juice of 1/2 lime
Coke

Pour lime juice into a highball glass over ice cubes. Add rum, fill with cola, stir, and serve.

I knew a guy once who ordered one of these and I think the bartender kicked his ass. Dude, this is a RUM AND COKE WITH A FUCKING LIME WEDGE! Call it what it is.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"ajo@90løkL®Ac∞0#µ˜0a˚m.Aoaq" (Go out there and hit someone).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon State (-31.5) over Washington State. Time to start picking against WSU every week. Gotta get that Bet It Hard record healthy.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 4-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Anyone on Washington State

It's hard work playing offensive football, but the object is to get the football from one end of the field to the other without giving the ball to the other team. Back to the basics, Cougs.

Heisman Watch:

1. Wrath
2. Greed
3. Envy
4. Gluttony

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado
5. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame
6. Rich Rodriguez, Michigan
7. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Florida's The Orange and the Blue

Fuck, how many more times are we going to hear this song? I'd say at least 20 just in the first quarter of the SEC Championship game.

Babe of the Week:

Jaime

Nice car...

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-gaming: The Miserable Life of the Collegiate Kicker

No one aspires to be a place kicker. You don't hear of kids who want to be kickers. Not even the kids who are always kicking balls want to be kickers. Everyone wants to be a quarterback, wide receiver or running back. NOBODY WANTS TO BE A FUCKING KICKER!

The kids who like kicking things play soccer only to learn later that nobody likes soccer. Even then they don't want to be kickers.

But every team needs a kicker and that's why you see guys on the sidelines with frosted tips and faux hawks.

And, fittingly, the kicker is either set up to be the goat or the hero. It's either hitting the game-winner or missing as time expires and you have reactions like the guy above. And then, at practice on Monday when you go to high-five the All-America linebacker, he tells you to go fuck yourself because you're just the kicker. (Frankly, had you hit the game-winner, you'd probably get the same reaction).

Agh, the kicker. At least the average guy can do it.

Who's going to be making -- or missing -- game-winners this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 16 Utah at No. 4 TCU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get feelings about games from time to time and I really feel that this one is going to be fucking epic. I get wood for the Mountain West and if TCU wins this game, you seriously have to start considering them for the BCS Title game. Fuck Texas. They haven't beaten anyone. Get the popcorn and 24-pack. This one should be fun. TCU 20, Utah 17.

No. 10 Iowa at No. 11 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: I would have made this a four-bunny game if I didn't hate the Big 10 so fucking much. Ohio State 30, Iowa 17.

No. 25 West Virginia at No. 5 Cincinnati, Friday, 8 p.m., ESPN 2: Bill Stewart would be a fantastic grandfather. He just seems to friendly that he'll be happy to put you on his lap and read you Goodnight Moon. He is quite the opposite of former Mountaineers coach Rich Rodriguez who fell more in line with the abusive uncle. Cincinnati 31, West Virginia 21.

Stanford at No. 9 USC, 3:30 p.m., FSN?: Jim Harbaugh could get his players to go rob a bank. He's that good. USC 16, Stanford 14.

No 1. Florida at South Carolina, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I think the story line for this game is going to revolve around how two experienced quarterbacks lead their respective teams. Nothing about the coaches. Florida 24, South Carolina 18.

Notre Dame at No. 12 Pittsburgh, 8 p.m., ABC: Any chance you have to watch the Irish lose is a day where the sun shines brighter. Pitt 28, Notre Dame 27.

Tennessee at Mississippi, noon, CBS.
Texas Tech at No. 19 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Simpler Times Lager


1. Any beer called "Simpler Times" is a winner in my book.
2. This beer is 6.2%. That's nearly malted.
3. This is the Trader Joe's equivalent of Budweiser.
4. TJ's is awesome. They are like the cool new kid of grocery stores and they always have cute girls working there. And have fucking great chicken andouille sausage for $4.
5. This beer is A LOT better than Bud, in that it has actual taste and is made from actual ingredients and not just water and excessive advertising.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"wmπnl˜µnz!90;¬am¶˚-1mx-1!er0-#%lQkl" (Don't stop until you hear the whistle).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-12.5) over Duke. Let's not forget that while Duke is not the same awful, horrible, disgustingly bad Duke team this season, the Ramblin' Wreck is capable of rushing for 500 yards.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-7

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

C.J. Gable, RB, USC

Now this just doesn't make sense: Gable comes into the season as the Trojans' most-experienced rusher and then Stafon Johnson gets hurt clearing the way for more carries. Nonetheless, C.J., you have played in nine games and have 16 fucking carries! Touch the ball already!

Heisman Watch:

1. Darwinism
2. The guy who gets his heart ripped out in Temple of Doom. At least the guy had heart. ZING!
3. Tiramisu
4. Pearl Jam's Ten

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Mark Richt, Georgia?
4. Al Groh, Virginia

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Ole Miss' From Dixie With Love

It's probably a good thing that this song has been banned. "The South will rise again?" Jeez. This isn't 1850!

Babe of the Week:

Brianna

That bathing suit must be comfortable.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-Gaming: Where are all the good games?

It wasn't too long ago that we had weekends where there would be like 10 ranked teams playing one another. The M Zone, one of our favorite college football blogs (RIP), had a fun post one weekend in 2006 where there were seven games between two ranked teams.

Now it seems these types of weekends are obsolete. Not really sure why. Perhaps with the emergence of strong non-BCS teams, when conference foes meet, there aren't as many good games on paper.

Not too long ago, 98% of the rankings were teams from the Pac-10, ACC, Big East, SEC, Big 12 and Big 10. Now you have only 19 teams ranked from major conferences. That's actually still more than we expected -- maybe it's just lousy scheduling in that all the good games are just sort of spread out.

But we remember those days where running errands, going shopping or taking a day trip were completely out of the picture. But now, with usually only one or two decent games a weekend, we'll be hitting Crate&Barrel and wine country on the same day. (Not actually. That would be like sticking your penis in a blender).

Of course there are other good games besides the ones between two ranked teams. But when it comes to Pre-Gaming and other preview columns, it sure makes you think -- albeit for a second -- about going beyond at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Which games will provide pleasant surprises this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 9 LSU at No. 3 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I want to think this game will be epic -- one for the ages. Yet after watching Florida-LSU and Alabama-Ole Miss (the other "marquee" SEC games this season) I just don't see it happening. Rather I see Gary Danielson getting frustrated over the sloppy play and just being generally disappointed. Nonetheless, having Verne and Gary on the call -- and two top-10 teams -- makes this a must-watch. Alabama 3, LSU 2.

No. 16 Ohio State at No. 11 Penn State, 3:30 ABC: I thought there was some simple way where if Penn State wins this game, which it should, and then Ohio State beats Iowa next Saturday, that Penn State would earn the Big 10's Rose Bowl berth. I don't think that's remotely true.

Oh, right! That's it! If Ohio State wins out, which is no easy task (at Penn State, Iowa, at Michigan) the Buckeyes will go to the Rose Bowl.

Fuck. That's no better than Iowa really, except somehow I think Ohio State is good and won't take Iowa seriously when it struggles to beat Arkansas St. and Northern Iowa. Iowa is playing Penn State this week, right? I sorta lost track where this was going. Penn State 17, Ohio State/Iowa 14.

No. 8 Oregon at Stanford, 3:30 p.m., FSN? Versus? TV?: This could go one of two ways:

1. Jeremiah Masoli gets hurt à la Dennis Dixon in 2007 and the Ducks lose their remaining games and end up in the Sun Bowl where they surprisingly crush South Florida.

2. Oregon wins 398-6.

Oregon 398, Stanford 6.

Florida State at Clemson, 7:45 p.m., ESPN
UConn at No. 5 Cincinnati, 8 p.m., ABC
No. 24 Oklahoma at Nebraska, 8 p.m., ABC

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Sake Bomb


1 shot sake rice wine
1 glass beer

It's real easy. Drop the shot of Sake into a glass of beer and the just slam it.

Yeah, slam that fucker!

Nothing quite says college football like a nice Japanese rice wine. And chopsticks.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"jdljaoi˚kjkD330!u9økalπlkakknakjlakjl alkjlAWIkn#$909DAjhlmlk∆˙bzlkpπmƒ∂klhalaeknm kjhkldd8JK*&djalk1E#jn,;kqkj¬∆˜lkjoaxpo,dkjnndjkb?aija~nlkdi¬oçhwq djnlkoi)89u2A!inlk¥ilkadnlknoi Dapnq!jnk*720!knd@4%kn$pqmz1la" (Keep your head up).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Oregon (-7) over Stanford. Did the lines makers not see what the Ducks did to USC last week?! Oregon will be up 14 before the game starts.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-6

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jamere Holland, WR, Oregon

How do I keep making this same mistake? Starting wide receiver + potent offense = fantasy success. Call it the Wes Welker formula.

But not for Mr. Holland. Oh, no. This season: 10 catches, 138 yards, 1 TD. THIS IS ONE FUCKING GAME FOR A PLAYER! NOT EIGHT!

Oh, four. He must be hurt. Still. Karma's a bitch.

Heisman Watch:

1. McLovin
2. The shark from Deep Blue Sea
3. Salma Hayek in Desperado
4. 80s Pop Culture

If I actually had a vote, Houston's Case Keenum and the Vols' Eric Berry (first defender since Charles Woodson!) would be right there. Stewart Mandel also loves that dude from Nebraska whose name is hard to say. But it's more fun to suggest fictional characters might win it because that's how this year's true candidates (Tebow, McCoy) have been playing: like fiction. (YOU JUST GOT SERVED!)

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Mark Richt, Georgia?

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Nebraska's Mr. Touchdown, USA and the Nebraska March

Right out of The Music Man!

Babe of the Week:

Jamie

Pink is the new black.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-Gaming: Halloween Edition

Saturday is Halloween and it's college football, so they're essentially combining two great days which should make one cluster fuck of excellence.

This is where I could go all cliché on you and say, "Which teams have been wearing disguises all season," but that's bullshit and I'd rather talk about candy.

The fact that people just open their doors to strangers and give them delicious treats is one of the greatest concepts in the modern era.

It does still seem funny that when the door is opened -- and ideally there's a mid-4os middle-manager standing there dressed as a fucking astronaut -- the kids still say, "trick or treat." There is no trick. I'm waiting for that guy to say, "We don't have any candy, but here are 12 DOVES!"

Trick or treating is one of the best events there is. And I've done it so much -- pretty much up until college I would knock on doors -- I've become an expert on the candy that's given out. Here's how I'd rank them...

1. Specialty candy: Payday, 5th Avenue, Milky Way Midnight, Chocolate Skittles, Mint 3 Musketeers, Caramello, Reese's Fastbreak, etc. These candies are all spectacular and uncommon, making them Halloween gold.

2. Full-size bars.

More is better.

3. Solid fun-size bars: Snickers, Reese's, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Skittles, Starburst.

Yes. Good. No reason to go all original on us. Stick to the basics and you'll get some happy visitors.

4. Juice.

I used to trick 'r treat in an area that gave out apple juice. You would be going around swiftly, sometimes running in those hot costumes, and you would be previewing your pillowcase of goodness. You get fucking thirsty.

If you go to the juice house first, that's bad. They'll be cleaning up the egg, toilet paper and shaving cream the next morning. But go there later in the night, they're your fucking life saver...ooh, Life Savers!

5. Life Savers.

6. Smarties.

Highly underrated. The sour is just right and the chalk texture is perfect.

7. Hershey's Miniatures. Mr. Goodbar, Krackel, Special Dark.

Highly overrated. Some people love this. Not me. BORING! This is the Big 10 of Halloween candy.

8. Hard candies. Like the kind your grandparents have in their sitting room. (Who the fuck still has a sitting room?) The ones in the strawberry wrapper are especially disgusting.

9. Raisins. Raisins are not candy. Better hire a window washer to get that egg off, you health-conscious prick.

10. Pennies. I've gotten pennies on Halloween. Seriously. These people took the phrase, "Throw money at the problem," far too literally.

Who will be giving us a treat this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 5 USC at No. 10 Oregon, 8 p.m., ABC: This game used to be good for like 100 combined points and 900 yards. Now both the Trojans and Ducks play defense. Too bad. Perhaps it's our Pac-10 bias, but we'd love to see the winner get one of those SEC squads. We'd put our money on SC over Florida or 'Bama. Not Oregon. That's why we're going Trojans in this one. USC 21, Oregon 18.

No. 3 Texas at No. 14 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC: Colt McCoy might be the most underwhelming QB to have a 70 percent completion rate. Texas 34, Oklahoma State 24.

Georgia vs. No. 1 Florida at Jacksonville, 3:30 p.m., CBS:

The World's Largest Outdoor...

-Pukefest
-Open-air orgy
-Port A Potty
-Culmination of bad decisions
-AA meeting

Florida 40, Georgia 21.

No. 22 South Carolina at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Washington State vs. No. 23 Notre Dame at San Antonio, 7:30 p.m., NBC. This is by no means a one-bunny game. It'd be like a negative-six-bunny game if there were such a thing.

Why it's here: BECAUSE THE GAME IS IN FUCKING TEXAS! This makes as much sense as advanced calculus because why would a team from the the Northwest and a team from the Midwest meet for a low-profile showdown in southern Texas? Either the Irish schedule-makers were unsure about U.S. geography or they actually think they're expanding their global reach by playing in Mexico, despite San Antonio not being in Mexico and it's in Texas and Notre Dame is HOSTING Washington State in San Antonio, TEXAS! This is bizarre. Notre Dame 482, Washington State siete.

No. 25 Mississippi at Auburn, 12.21 p.m., Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Jager Bomb


1/2 can Red Bull
1 .5 oz Jagermeister

Pour red bull into a medium sized glass. Add a shot glass of Jagermeister, and chug.

A good drink for a tough defeat. Something about chugging uppers and downers seems like it should come with a side of EMT. And these are fucking gross. And will lead to bad decisions...

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"dWnoix®ykjpµ˜lk≈g&skJ!J#" (Don't give up the big play).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Notre Dame (-28) over Washington State. We just predicted that the Irish would win by 475 points. The 28 shouldn't be a problem again the hapless Cougs.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Nic Grigsby, RB, Arizona

The junior back is averaging 7.5 yards per carry and has five TDs on the year, yet has carried the ball a combined 22 times in the last four games! We know you like to throw the ball 328 times a game, Mike Stoops, but haven't you heard the football axiom: run to set up the pass?

Heisman Watch:

1. Borat
2. The barista from Friends they all wanted to bang
3. Alf
4. SEC referees

Nope. No one wants it, no one gets it.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Ron Zook, Illinois

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Washington's Bow Down to Washington



This legendary piece was written by Mozart, Beethoven, The Beatles and U2 (before they sucked). It is perfect for any mood, event or game and has been known to be an aphrodisiac. It also suffices as a lullaby, Hollywood theme song and elevator music.

It guarantees happiness and is said to help people successfully lose weight.

Babe of the Week:

Heather Rae

Slap a pair of bunny ears on and you'd have a "costume."

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-gaming: College Football is entertainment, after all. Let's go already!

Anyone else, we hate to say it, bored?

This (albeit young) college football season is just missing something.

Where's the BCS chaos?
Where's the epic Heisman race?
Where are the multiple top-5 matchups?

We have Florida, Alabama, Texas and everyone else. And, frankly, those three teams would get crushed by the 2008 Florida, Alabama and Texas.

It just seems that the overall college football landscape is down. And that happens. And that's fine. I understand that not every season can be littered with stars and top talent.

But where's the excitement?

I was on board with a few games last weekend -- Arkansas-Florida was fun; USC-ND got wild at the end; and there was a great finish to the Washington-Arizona State game if you like the feeling of 1,000 daggers covered with cobra venom thrust into your back.

Two weeks ago we had those SEC battles between Florida-LSU and Ole Miss-Alabama that rivaled Lost in Translation in terms of entertainment value. That's when I started to realize that I'm not having fun this college football season.

One of the reasons I so love Gary Danielson calling the (usually) 3:30 p.m. CBS game is because he calls the game as a fan with an analyst's knowledge. So when Florida and LSU were playing a boring, sloppy game, he seemed genuinely disappointed -- like he had been promised Saving Private Ryan and instead got The Thin Red Line.

So I, too, feel a little cheated. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CLASSICS ALREADY! It's only Week 8. Still plenty of time for some fireworks...

Who will be giving us a show this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None. Good weekend to go bury your head in a sandbox.

No. 8 TCU at No. 16 BYU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?: I get wood for the Mountain West. The Mountain West is to football as the Missouri Valley Conference was to mid-2000s basketball.

Mid-majors duking it out, playing in front of passionate fans -- some of which can't drink a Pepsi but sure love football! -- in packed stadiums in games that really matter.

Not a whole lot of talk about TCU as a BCS contender yet, but if the Frogs win this game, a mid-November home date with Utah could be the only thing in the way of TCU and a Orange-Bowl berth.

Boise State and TCU would scare BCS bigwigs, while making the college football fan -- and BCS haters -- very happy. Here's to the Horned Frogs and screwing the BCS! TCU 20, BYU 14.

Oregon State at No. 7 USC, 8 p.m., ABC:

Taylor Mays jokes are fun!

-Taylor Mays can slam a revolving door
-Taylor Mays is so fast he celebrates his birthday every 300 days.
-15 minutes saves Taylor Mays 20% on car insurance.
-Taylor Mays can find Carmen Sandiego.
-When Taylor Mays does math, 100 x 0 = 100.
-According to Mapquest, Taylor Mays can drive from LA to Paris in two hours -- with traffic!
-When it rains, Taylor Mays doesn't get wet.

USC 38, Oregon State 27.

No. 13 Penn State at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC: This should be exciting for people who enjoy pastels, vanilla ice cream and reading dictionaries." Penn State 10, Michigan 6.

No. 3 Texas at Missouri, 8 p.m., ABC.

South Florida at No. 20 Pittsburgh, 12 p.m., Gameplan.
Arkansas at Ole Miss 12:21 p.m., Gameplan.
Tenneseee at No. 2 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
Oklahoma at N0. 25 Kansas, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Auburn at No. 9 LSU, 7:30 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Zima


You're 99-percent guaranteed to get your ass kicked, but your team still has a 50-50 shot to win, unless you're North Texas.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"2?@9lamn1#50&AdloipacK" (Don't stop moving your feet).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-5.5) over Virginia. Don't let that 2-0 ACC record fool you. This is the same Virginia team that lost to William & Mary.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jeremiah Masoli, QB, Oregon

"Day-to-day" is the most frustrating thing a fan can hear. Either you're ready or you're not. It's fucking night and day, buddy. Either your knee is going to hold up or it's going to fall off like a leper. Don't leave us to this speculating business.

Heisman Watch:

1. Keyser Soze
2. Batman
3. Tyler Durden
4. That hot chick from American Pie.

Ha! Like you're winning the Heisman, Mark Ingram. Worst Heisman race I can remember. Can they just not give one out this year?

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Virginia Tech's Tech Triumph

Sorta sounds like something they played near the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Babe of the Week:

Mia Lai

She probably gets lai-d a lot. Bada ching!

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-Gaming: Fried Butter, Taylor Mays and how this year's Heisman race is as lame as the 69th Academy Awards

Fried butter: the reason why 2/3 of Americans are overweight

Fuck it. Grab some fried butter, a bacon cheeseburger on a doughnut "bun" and let's head straight to the games (and the bathroom).

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 20 Oklahoma at No. 3 Texas at Cotton Bowl, 12 p.m., ABC:

Strong advice from an emailer to Stewart Mandel's mailbag:

You've got to check out the heart-stopping fried food at the Texas State Fair just outside the stadium. My lunch at the fair today included a fried corn dog, fried Oreo, fried butter, fried yam, fried pickles, fried pork chips, fried ribs, fried cheesecake, fried shrimp, fried alligator, and the boring fried potato. Be a man, do the right thing.

That's a big lunch... Fried butter?! Fried cheesecake! The heart attack might be worth it.

Meanwhile this game is 9 a.m. on the West Coast. NO WONDER WE'RE FUCKING PISSED OFF! Everything is so neatly arranged for those East Coasters. But there's a little something called Friday Night. And often the plan does not involve waking up at 9 a.m. to watch an important football game. Poor planning.

Texas 28, Oklahoma 17.

No. 6 USC at No. 25 Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC:

For Taylor Mays, 2+2=5.
Taylor Mays is faster than the speed of light.
Taylor Mays can kill two stones with one bird.
If you have $5 and Taylor Mays has $5, Taylor Mays has more money than you.
Taylor Mays can believe it's not butter.
Taylor Mays won a hand of Hold 'Em with five aces.
Taylor Mays can divide by zero.
Taylor Mays watches 60 minutes in a half hour.

USC 38, Notre Dame 24.

No. 4 Virginia Tech at No. 19 Georgia Tech, 6 p.m., ESPN2

No. 22 South Carolina at No. 2 Alabama, 7:45 p.m., ESPN: Love or hate Steve Spurrier, you gotta admit that visor makes him more ready to play the back nine than coach a football team. Yet it somehow works. Some people call that "style." Alabama 31, South Carolina 10.

Texas Tech at No. 15 Nebraska, 3:30 p.m., ABC. Not so sure why "system quarterback" is such a dirty term. The Red Raiders' backup -- in his first career start! -- threw for 490 yards and seven touchdowns last week in a rout of Kansas State. Perhaps other teams should consider this "system." Texas Tech 38, Nebraska 35.

No. 11 Iowa at Wisconsin, 12 p.m., ESPN.

Missouri at No. 16 Oklahoma St., 9:15 p.m., ESPN2.
Arkansas at No. 1 Florida, 3:30 p.m., CBS.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tequila Shots


1 1/2 oz. tequila Lemon or lime wedge 1 pinch of salt Moisten the back of your hand below the index finger (usually by licking) and pour on the salt. Lick the salt off your hand. Drink the tequila. Quickly bite the lemon or lime wedge. Rinse and repeat.

Certain types of alcohol can set a mood:

When you're having a party at your house and your buddy and his girlfriend bring over a bottle of wine, you know that it's going to be low-key, boring night and you're going to resent your friend's GF because she's low-key and boring and makes him low-key and boring.

Tequila shots would be at the other end of the spectrum. Want to have a night that's going to be full of fun and bad decisions? Skip the lime and take another shot.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"J9opiøwµ#√5∆sA-1" (Every play counts).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Kansas (-10) over Colorado. The Buffs are fucking terrible. Meanwhile, Todd Reesing has been the KU quarterback since 1998.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-4

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Sean Canfield, QB, Oregon State

You play quarterback for fuck's sake! It's OK to throw a touchdown every once in a while.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati
3. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

This is the lamest Heisman race ever. The winner is going to win it because no one else did. It'll be like the year that the English Patient won Best Picture because none of the other movies were really any good.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Alabama's Go Bama

I don't like the Tide one bit, so hearing this song after every play is tiresome. But certainly catchy. This shit could be top-40!

Babe of the Week:

Candy Ace

Hi, how are ya? Is that your real name?

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-Gaming: Cupcake anyone?

The script is so simple for the top teams in the preseason rankings: play an entire bakery full of cupcakes before conference play, squeak out some close wins, maybe lose a close game on the road, win some more games, win the conference championship, go to National Championship.

That's basically it for Florida and Texas this year. Charleston Southern, Troy, Florida International, Louisiana Monroe, UTEP, Central Florida all have something in common: they're from the South. (AND THEY ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE!)

These games were scheduled years ago, well before Florida and Texas knew they'd be the unanimous 1-2 in every poll, which makes it that much worse. Preparing for a championship years out by feasting on the weak.

Then you have Oklahoma, who scheduled tough games against BYU and Miami, and it led to an already-disappointing season.

And it's this kind of shit that only reinforces the notion that teams like Florida and Texas should play high-school talent until they get to conference play. After the smooth sailing, the strength of their respective conferences can carry them to college-football bliss in early January.

It's hard to blame the schedule makers because, hey, it's working! Florida and Texas will be meeting Jan. 7 in Pasadena unless Tim Tebow becomes a leper and Colt McCoy gets Mono.

So, instead, let's blame Urban Meyer and Mack Brown. I don't like you and I have no good reason for it. I don't care. Jerks.

And now Florida will play another football team with actual players and coaches and uniforms. And they'll probably do what Florida does and beat them soundly. Florida is a VERY good team. But it would be fun to see the Gators play four or five of these marquee games rather than one or two.

How will the rest of Saturday's big games turn out?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 1 Florida at No. 4 LSU, 8 p.m., CBS: Some fun facts about Florida QB John Brantley:

Major: Humanities and Letters (what???)
Astrological sign: Pisces
Awards: 2006 Gatorade Player of the Year
Career starts: 0
Favorite food: Kung Pao chicken, Fruit by the Foot
Favorite Music: Tupac, OutKast, 'Lil Bow Wow
Favorite TV Shows: The Hills, Disaster Date, College Football Live
Favorite Quote: "Fuck it, let's play football" - John Brantley

Florida 30, LSU 12.

No. 3 Alabama at No. 20 Mississippi, 3:30 p.m., CBS: Have you ever been to Alabama or Mississippi? I have not. Can't say that Jackson is a tourist trap. But it's like a whole different world down there, from what I hear. I bet the nightlife in Mobile is to fucking die for. Alabama 21, Mississippi 10.

Wisconsin at No. 9 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC: Wisconsin has got to be the most boring team to ever be 5-0. The Badgers are also the most boring team to ever wear the color red. They are the most boring team to score over 28 points in all of their games. They are the most boring team to ever play on a 100-yard field. They are the most boring team to put their pants on one leg at a time. They are the most boring team to give 110 percent. They are the most boring team to give it their all. They are the most boring team to go out there and execute. They are the most boring team [enter football cliché here].

I have a feeling that this game is going to be very entertaining. Ohio State 28, Wisconsin 19.

Michigan at No. 12 Iowa, 8 p.m., ABC: So Iowa plays real well against the better teams (Penn State) and plays down to the lesser teams (Arkansas State). So the real question: Why is Rich Rodriguez such a fucking asshole? Iowa 17, Michigan 14.

No. 22 Georgia Tech at Florida State, 8 p.m., ESPN2.

Georgia at Tennessee, 12:20 p.m., Gameplan. Dear ESPN, I don't like the Big 10 and nobody else does either. I would rather watch Georgia play Tennessee than Purdue play Minnesota. Thank you! Sincerely, Everybody. Georgia 24, Tennessee 16.

Stanford at Oregon State, 7 p.m., Versus? FSN?
Baylor at No. 19 Oklahoma, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Boston College at No. 5 Virginia Tech, noon, Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Mimosa


1 bottle champagne
1 bottle orange juice

Fill a champagne flute 3/4 full. Top with orange juice. Stir.

It's not only a brunch drink. Try it with grapefruit juice instead of orange to knock your socks off. Or spike it with some vodka and you have a Screwmosa. Let's not forget that champagne is the drink of royalty. And the carbonation helps you get drunk faster. Learned that in an Alcohol Awareness seminar.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"oiAo"ƒj@4n˚l∑jg´h ˚hgk≈zlkop*6jh∫lj (Give 110 percent).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Auburn (-2.5) over Arkansas. The Razorbacks gave up 51 points to Georgia. The same Georgia team that scored a 23 combined points in its two losses.

Look for undefeated Auburn to keep that offense rolling.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-3

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford

Enough of you and your boyish good looks. Play somebody with a defensive line and we'll talk.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati
3. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

We welcome Irish QB Jimmy Clausen to the Heisman discussion with fists raised and cocked...nobody likes you, Jimmy. Just wanted you to know that.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State
3. Lane Kiffin, Tennessee
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado
5. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Oklahoma's Boomer Sooner


Great name, good trumpeting, yet a little Revolutionary-War-esque.

Babe of the Week:

Laura Michelle Prestin

Well, hello there.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-Gaming: Tailgate traditions

Tailgating is the crux of college football. Xs and Os? Only for the diehards. Marching bands? Only for the band geeks. Pep rallies? Only for Joe Paterno.

Tailgating is for everyone. Find one college student who doesn't like to eat and drink outside of Utah. It'll be like finding diversity in a J. Crew catalog.

I haven't been to nearly enough tailgates. Or enough that I can remember. UW's were fine -- they mainly consisted of drinking at a house, walking the 15 minutes down to the stadium, hi-fiving some alumni and maybe getting some smoked salmon. Let me tell you, smoked salmon would beat just about any other smoked food in a fistfight. Smoked andouille sausage is pretty fucking good. Smoked meat is good. But smoked salmon is like giving your taste buds a New Year's Eve party.

Cal has a cool tailgate tradition. No smoked salmon -- at Cal there are often other things being smoked. Hey-o! (That was the gratuitous Berkeley hippie joke.) All the frats, which are conveniently located RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET FROM THE STADIUM! -- seriously, the architect who did the layout loved football and fraternizing -- open their doors to anyone and give away FREE BEER AND FOOD!

A 10-year-old wearing a Stanford shirt could get a beer and a burger. And the point isn't that the alcohol is free flowing and there is no regard for age and safety, but rather that they just open their doors to anyone. That's pretty fucking cool. Wanna hang out on a Saturday afternoon? Grab a group of friends and go over to Sigma Nu. Under 21 and need to find a party? Go Pike's the place for you. Have a Superbad scenario where you need to score some booze in order to, well, score? Go to the Beta house and steal their beer. (That might get you into some trouble. Stealing is bad. So is underage drinking. Tsk, tsk.)

When I was like 14 I went to Baton Rouge and had an SEC-style tailgate at LSU. It was a 7 p.m. game and we wanted to really feel the atmosphere, so we met up for a tailgate around 10 a.m. to really capture the scene. WE WERE FOUR HOURS FUCKING LATE! There are no clocks in SEC country. You can start drinking at 6 a.m. on College-Football-Saturday and you get funny looks if you AREN'T! And the gumbo. Sweet Mother Teresa the gumbo is unfuckingbelievable. I thought smoked salmon was the fucking balls. Homemade gumbo at a tailgate is like eating little spoonfuls of happiness.

I haven't seen too many other pre-game traditions and tailgates. What does your school do? If I were to go on a road trip, what tailgates do I need to go to? Sell me on your tailgate in the comments.

Where will you be tailgating Saturday? The couch is not a horrible option...

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 8 Oklahoma at No. 17 Miami, 8 p.m., ABC: There are a lot of questions surrounding this game. How's Bob Stoops' golf game? Does Randy Shannon ever make a joke? How many Mosses have played for The U? Those are really the only questions that matter.

Edit: The above was written Wednesday but I thought it was funny, so I left it. Sam Bradford isn't going to start. Landry Jones is. Landry looks like laundry but doesn't have a U. Oklahoma 35, Miami 21.

No. 4 LSU at No. 18 Georgia, 3:30 p.m., CBS: LSU being the fourth-ranked team is in some way similar to NCIS being the No. 4 show in the country. Neither LSU nor NCIS is very good, but right now there isn't much else that is very good, so by default, they are both in the top five of their various rankings. The No. 18 show is The Big Bang Theory, which, like Georgia, hits and misses. Something tells me that Georgia isn't going to miss this week. Georgia 31, LSU 27.

No. 7 USC at No. 24 Cal, 8 p.m., ABC: Two weeks ago this was the biggest Pac-10 game of the last 8,000 years. It still might be. Though that Stanford-Arizona game on Oct. 17 could be epic. USC 38, Cal 17.

Auburn at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Oregon State at Arizona State, 7 p.m., Versus? FSN?: The Rodgers bros do it all. Everybody else? Dead weight. Oregon State 24, Arizona State 13.

Washington at Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC. I've had enough of that Leprechaun and his devious ways. Harry the Husky isn't people-friendly. Watch out, man. This dog can bite. Washington 328, Notre Dame -6.

UCLA at Stanford, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

No. 15 Penn State at Illinois, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Dirt Cheap Beer


Hey, it's always a lot of fun with Dirt Cheap Beer. That doesn't really seem like the most responsible slogan, but gosh, if I want to have fun, I now know where to go.

"THE BEER FOR AN ECONOMIC DOWNTURN" would have been more timely.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"r;ms;l[wø˚©dkaoKo√;a" (Protect the football).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

South Florida (-6.5) over Syracuse. I've lost this the last three weeks, which isn't good. [public service announcement] It also serves as a good reminder that gambling is very risky, illegal and a possible cause of cancer in Utah. [/public service announcement].

So now we actually have to analyze these spreads and it looks like the 4-0 Bulls, coming off a win over Florida State in Tallahassee, are only a small favorite over the Greg Paulus's. Take the Bulls in what looks like a no-brainer.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-3

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Stafon Johnson, RB, USC

What? He hasn't broken 70 yards rushing all season.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati

So long Jacory Harris. Was nice while it lasted. Hello Tony Pike, the best player on the best team that nobody is talking about. (I think that was once an SI headline).

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State
3. Charlie Weiss, Notre Dame
4. Lane Kiffin, Tennessee
5. Dan Hawkins, Colorado

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Stanford's All Right Now



Jeez, they played this enough last week against Washington.

Babe of the Week:

Vanessa Raia.

Work casual at its finest.

Full gallery here.

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!

Pre-Gaming: Your top announcers

Announcers can fuck up a telecast. Just ask anyone about Joe Buck. If he was a college football guy, I'd probably have clawed at my ears with a stapler remover already. It's a good thing he just ruins the MLB playoffs and stays far the fuck away from college football.

On the flip side, there are broadcast teams that are the fucking Mozart of the college game. They bring knowledge, insight and excitement to any game. Who are these wonderful, wonderful human beings? Glad you asked.

1. Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy "The Wolf" Wolfson, CBS.

Doesn't hurt that this team gets a solid SEC game each week, but by golly, they could make Vanderbilt at Mississippi State sound like the most important game in college football since the Taft administration.

Lundquist calls it beautifully, Danielson gives accurate, no-nonense insight and The Wolf looks good while giving you insightful updates like Tim Tebow is an effective football player.

2. Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, ESPN.

I would pay for Ron Franklin to read me Goodnight Moon. He's soothing, sophisticated and a wonderful story teller. Goodnight Moon fucking rules.

3. Mike Patrick, Craig James, Heather Cox.

I'm a big Mike Patrick fan. He gets really excited when there's a two-yard run on 1st and 10, but so be it. Call him the opposite of Buck, I'd take Patrick any day.

4. Brad Nessler, Todd Blackledge, Erin Andrews.

Nessler and Blackledge are fine in the booth and Andrews gives sideline reports that give adolescent boys boners in 100 words or less.

5. Chris Fowler, Craig James, Jesse Palmer, Erin Andrews.

Fowler's pretty good. Wasn't Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor? That show is fucking rigged.

What broadcasts will you be watching Saturday?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."

Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 9 Miami at No. 11 Virginia Tech, 3:30 p.m., ABC: It's probably a good thing that a four-bunny ACC game no longer involves Wake Forest and Clemson. When the conference stole from the Big East, these are the kind of match ups they had in mind.

While on the topic of Wake Forest, did you know Riley Skinner's still in school? He's been there since Tim Duncan was a fucking sophomore! Graduate already! This isn't Van Wilder! Miami 27, Virginia Tech 19.

Texas Tech at No. 17 Houston, 9:15 p.m., ESPN 2: D-fense. D-fense. D-fense.. Texas Tech 427, Houston 426.

Arkansas at No. 3 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS: Holy shit the sundresses are gonna be good. Nothing like hot, southern girls in skimpy sundresses on a college football Saturday. The South is an amazing place. Alabama 42, Arkansas 28.

Iowa at No. 5 Penn State, 8 p.m., ABC: Can't the Big 10 just simulate the rest of the season so they can fast forward to getting their ass kicked by USC in the Rose Bowl? An early season game between Iowa and Penn State will engage about six people who know what an ocean looks like. Penn State 20, Iowa 13.

Fresno State at No. 14 Cincinnati, 12 p.m., Gameplan.

Arizona State at No. 21 Georgia, 7 p.m., ESPNU: The percentage of unattractive girls between the ages of 18-30 at this game is going to be -2%. Georgia 34, Arizona State 24.

Notre Dame at Purdue, 8 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tucker Death Mix


750 ml Everclear
32 oz Gatorade (lemon lime)
2 cans Red Bull

Pour all ingredients into a jug, and serve into highball glasses. Or drink out of a Camelbak.

A Tucker-Max original, this will convince you that even Duke can win. (And it'll probably make you throw up on a police officer.)

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Georgia


Give a dawg a bone...

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Florida Gators

They grow 'em big in Florida. The lineman. Yes, the offensive linemen in Florida are big.

(Photos via Poon of the SEC).

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"i¬9ƒul∑r7~" (Don't go out there and think, just play).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

USC (-45) over Washington State. Fuck this, I'm picking against Washington State every week.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-2

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Rob Gronkowski, TE, Arizona

OUT FOR THE SEASON?!?! Did I call your mother a whore? Why do this to me? You and LaDainian Tomlinson can go eat a pile of shit together.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

If Harris lights up a good Va Tech defense, let's just give him the award right now.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia. It's only a matter of time, right? Right?!
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State. Maybe you aren't doing well because your last name's spelled all sorts of wrong.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Ohio State's Fight the Team



A little too peppy, but classic nonetheless. Cool name.

Babe of the Week:

Jessica Barton

Yowzers! Sand is the best form of bikini.

Full gallery here. Thank me later.

College football, booze and girls. What could be better?! Week 4: get reckless!