Advice for Pacman as he heads north

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

So the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have a new defensive back in one Adam “Pacman” Jones. Now Adam is a Georgia native who went to college at West Virginia. It snows on occasion in West “Fuckin” Virginia and in Morgantown, in specific. But this is “The Great White North” and the province that brought us Monty Hall. With that in mind, here are a few quick tips for Adam.

1. Winnipeg is located in Manitoba which is one of Canada’s 13 provinces.

2. The Canadian equivalent of the dollar is called a loonie and is a coin. You cannot “Make it Rain” with coins.

3. When people in Winnipeg refer to the “Jets”, they will not make any reference to Ken O’Brien.

4. DO NOT BADMOUTH WAYNE GRETZKY!!!

5. Yes, that is curling on TV.

6. Canadians are generally a friendly people but making fun of hockey is not advised.

7. Canadians also play rugby quite a bit. If you thought Hines Ward hit hard, try getting in a scrum.

8. The man with the loud suits on CBC at 8:00EST on Saturdays during hockey season is not, I repeat not, Howard Cosell or Craig Sager.

9. Make sure you have many warm coats/anoraks.

10. The head of the Canadian government is Prime Minister Steven Harper.

11. DO NOT BADMOUTH JOHN CANDY!!!

12. Canadian beer is stronger than beer “in the States.”

13. There are three downs in the CFL.

14. The field is 150 yards long and 65 yards wide.

15. The Grey Cup, much like its hockey counterpart the Stanley Cup, is larger and weighty. Should you and the Blue Bombers win one, make sure to lift with your knees.

Bonne chance, Monsieur Jones. While you are in Winnipeg, please remember that you are representing the United States to a small extent. As someone who likes Canada quite a bit, I would appreciate it if I didn’t hear that you and Link Gaetz are having a boxing match.

Adam Jones to "Make it Rain" for charity

Adam "Pacman" Jones is infamous for making it rain in the strip clubs. Now that old grumpy-pants Goodell won't let him play that way anymore, he's decided to take matters into his own hands, and Make it Rain for charity.

Roger Goodell has not officially reinstated Jones, although he's being allowed to practice after his trade to the Dallas Cowboys. As part of his court sentencing for his various offenses, and in an attempt to appease Goodell, he's decided not only to donate money to charity, but to start his own.

Staying true to himself, Jones has started the Make it Rain foundation, an organization that provides money for cloud-seeding over drought ravaged areas of North Texas. In a somewhat ironic turn of events, he hired 4 "dancers" from Diamond's Cabaret in Dallas to participate in an introductory press conference.

The Make it Rain Foundation will use silver iodide dispersed by a plane bearing Make it Rain, Dallas Cowboys, and Diamond's Cabaret logos to create ice crystals that will induce rain. Drought conditions have caused major problems for the agriculture industry in Texas in recent months.