Morning Headlines: LSU wins College World Series

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Tuesday's winner: HM with this from the U.S. Open: "Extra 40 pounds not enough to make Duval a winner"

[Tigers win College World Series].

-LSU shuts down Texas in early innings, holds on late for win

-Tigers pour it on with runs in eighth and ninth

-Ruffin's dominant 2/3 inning of relief can't lift 'Horns

Spit your CWS knowledge in the comments.

Mark Cuban doesn't really like blogs anymore, OK?

Once thought a pioneer -- he's a billionaire NBA owner and he blogs! He's just like us! -- Mark Cuban is sorta not cool with blogs anymore and no one else should be, either, because Mark Cuban said so, dammit.

Has anyone noticed that its impossible to trust a single word uttered about coaching changes, the draft, trades and even celebration parties these days?

Unfortunately, ESPN and local newspapers, radio and TV media have become the patsies of bloggers. If some random blogger reports that “he has heard that a trade of Joe for John is being discussed”, then the traditional media, as they have told me many times “is requested by their editor to run it down and see if its real.” It's almost like a sad joke. How do you make an ESPN reporter jump? Make up something and put it on your blog. Somewhere a bunch of sports bloggers are playing a drinking game. Chug if the other guys made up trade rumor makes the ESPN crawl.

How to stop it? ESPN.com puts up a page of blacklisted blogs and websites who’s posts they wont comment on or report on in any way. It will create a short term surge of traffic for those sites, but then they will go away as the proprietors of the sites realize that being discredited is not a good thing.

Whew! We thought we were only ones playing that drinking game.

(Blog Maverick via Ben Maller via The Philadelphia Inquirer).

The Orioles lost 6-6...wait....WHAT?

Hey, nice win for the Fish. Wait...WHAT???

This is what happens when someone at Yahoo! Sports either has some fun or accidentally fucks up (we're leaning towards the fuck up, unfortunately).

Hey, when things are going bad...

(Florida actually won 7-6 in 12. Maybe.)

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Fruit in the middle of a birthday cake.

Raspberry cake is red because it's from the devil

Fruit has its time and place. Like in a salad or in sorbet form. But when I have cake, I want fucking butter and lard and cream and chocolate and sometimes vanilla and lots of fucking colored frosting. No part of me wants to even think about fruit.

Cake is perhaps the best desert of them all. I fucking love cake. I used to celebrate my half birthday because it meant my parents getting me a second cake a year. And not that fancy shit with like white chocolate and marzipan. I want my fucking cake covered in rainbow frosting. No. Rainbow frosting is not gay. Or maybe it is. I don't care. It brings me to a happy place, so fuck you.

Care Bears cake is also awesome and totally not gay

Talk about ruining something that's great. Putting fruit in the middle of a birthday cake is like raisins in oatmeal cookies, a shemale in a porno, having to wear a condom during head.

I've been having a lot of cake lately because I fucking love cake and cake fucking loves me. I've celebrated a lot of birthdays in the last two weeks and three of the four cakes I've eaten lately had fruit in them.

One was this huge, white-frosting number from Costco. It looked pretty bomb with all sorts of colored frosting and shit, but then I cut in and I'm slapped across the face with a hand of deceit and betrayal. I didn't do anything to that cake. Why did it have to do something to me?

So fuck you, fruit-filled cake. May you be poisoned by your worthless product.

And that, people, is what really grinds my gears.

Going on the field is underwhelming

Had the chance several weeks back to watch batting practice on the field in Oakland. Of course, we were only invited on the field for about the last 15-20 minutes, and it was while the visiting Diamondbacks were in the cage. Some thoughts about watching from the field:

-It's not that cool to go on the field when the only place you get to stand is the warning track right in front of the backstop.

-The foul territory at the Oakland Coliseum is bigger than Zach's porn collection.

-The most interesting part is getting to see the trajectory of the ball off the bat and the movement it takes when hooking or slicing. It also makes you realize just how far it is when they hit one out.

-The group of guys hitting was Eric Byrnes and a bunch of bums. Unless of course those bums were really good players that I just didn't recognize. Byrnes is pretty much a bum himself.

-There were a lot of Arizona fans on the field with us. They pretty much all looked like douche-bags. You know, D'Bags. One of them was a woman who I later noticed was wearing a jersey that said FTNSSFRK or something like that on the nameplate. I suppose that indicates that she likes fitness. Real cool. I thought about getting Zach a Giants jersey with the same name on back.

-There's really nothing like grass on a baseball field. Can I get some in my yard please?

-Overall I was pretty underwhelmed by the experience. Next time I want to shag flies.

Now for some more pictures:

Morning Headlines: Lucas Glover wins U.S. Open

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Glover wins U.S. Open].

-Glover's strong final round (+3) paves way to "easy" win.

-Woods' late push not enough

Your rare chance to talk golf in the comments.

Sports Fans We Love to Love

A while back our pals at Seattle Sportsnet made a fantastic list of the sports fans we love to hate and then followed it up with part two. While hate is normally in our blood, the sun is shining, the halter tops are out and summer has officially begun; those things put us in a happy place. So rather than discussing the common sports fans we hate, we thought we'd put out there the ones we love.

8. The Teacher


Characteristics: New father or grandfather; accompanied by young child; khakis, dress shirt and home team's cap; even demeanor; patience; probably looks and sounds like Peter Falk from The Princess Bride.

Love 'em because: Everyone needs a good teacher. This fan is there explaining the game to the fan of the future. The Teacher will put up with the silly questions and find pleasure in bonding with youth over a sporting event.

7. The Radio Listener


Characteristics: Middle-aged; hat is covered with pins; unshaven; headphones purchased in early 90s.

Love 'em because: The Radio Listener does not want to hear your bullshit. The Radio Listener does not want to hear the little boy ask his parents for another fucking malt. The Radio Listener does not want to hear that obnoxious heckler who has made it very clear that the pitcher is a bum.

The Radio Listener cares about the game and only about the game. In tune with the broadcast, this fan wants Xs and Os from the experts and that's it.

6. The Loyalist


Characteristics: Patient; happy-go-lucky; has solo season ticket; never leaves the game early; likes to make conversation with those around.

Love 'em because: The Loyalist will wait out the two-hour rain delay in Washington just to see the Nats lose 9-3 to the Marlins. Rain, repeated losing, family...nothing gets between The Loyalist and his team. The stadium is his home and he's just happy to be there.

5. The Rally Starter

Characteristics: Loud; confident; decked out in the team's apparel; makes friends with those around him; won high-school championship.

Love 'em because: The Rally Starter is a guy you love on your side and hate when he's against you. Kinda like Jonathan Papelbon. Or anyone on the Red Sox, really.

He'll be the optimistic one when you're down by six with a minute left and the other team at the free throw line; or when losing by two possessions entering the fourth quarter; or when you're trailing by two entering the bottom of the ninth. He's not naïve, just confident. With the support of The Rally Starter, "loss" is not in the vocabulary.

4. The Scorekeeper

Characteristics: Old, tattered hat of the home team; hunched shoulders; chewed-on pen; scorebook; pack rat.

Love 'em because: The Scorekeeper is dedicated. Plain and simple. Not the type to cheer wildly for the 450-foot shot, but rather keeps to himself and records the homer in the scorebook. Wondering what the No. 3 hitter did in his second at-bat? Go make friends with The Scorekeeper.

3. Nervous, Worst-Case-Scenario Guy Who Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play/Possession.


Characteristics: Medium build; little-to-no team apparel; sweaty palms; looks physically uncomfortable; very quiet; used to heartbreak.

Love 'em because: Nervous, Worst-Case-Scenario Guy Who Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play/Possession really fucking cares. Like a lot. This is your true fan. This is the fan that has seen the home team blow a 20-point halftime lead. This is the fan that has seen the closer give up three runs in the top of the ninth in the playoffs. This is the fan that has seen the onside kick recovered by the opponent. But this is the fan that keeps coming back.

Devoted, passionate and sincere, Nervous, Worst-Case-Scenario Guy Who Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play/Possession is as die-hard as they come.

2. The Purist

Characteristics: Wearing sport apparel but not of any particular team; pensive; happy to chit-chat but comfortable in silence; looking for ample opportunities to clap.

Love 'em because: The Purist is there strictly for the love of the game.

The Purist will applaud a good play by the opposing team, give a standing ovation to an opposing pitcher who just threw a complete-game shutout and nod their head at a well-designed play.

The Purist may root for a certain team, but as long as the game is being played the way it's meant to be played, that's all that really matters.

1. The Hot Chick


Characteristics: Heavy make-up; high heels; club wear; guy on her arm; drink in hand; has absolutely no idea what type of sporting event she is actually at.

Love 'em because: Sports are so great because they often can be amazing without T and A. Yet when the two cross paths, good things often happen. We've all been to that 5-2 snoozefest in the summer, yet when you have The Hot Chick in the row in front of you, cleavage, legs and maybe a thong shot can keep you plenty entertained while your favorite team makes you feel stupid for spending $50 to see a dud of a game.

Thoughts, disagreements and other fans we love to love in the comments, please.

Alonzo Mourning's wife is going to be on some TV Sh...BOOBS!

Bravo's Real Housewives series, which focuses on women who don't do laundry, dishes or their husbands, is coming to Miami where its cast will include six hookers and a tranny.

Cable’s Bravo is working on a Real Housewives of Miami project. No real surprise here since there’s after all a version of the alleged reality series in just about every area of the country. More surprising, however, are some names on the tentative casting list obtained by the Miami Herald: former Palm Beach County resident Leah Black, star drag-queen Elaine Lancaster; former club owner Ingrid Cesares; Tracy Mourning, wife of former Miami Heat star Alonzo Mourning.

Tracy's housewife duties included making Chicken Cacciatore and many trips to the doctor's office. She is also a philanthro...LOOK AT THOSE TITTIES! WHOA! YOU COULD MOTORBOAT THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE!

[Palm Beach Post via Ben Maller]

Stats Inc., Sabrmetrics, et al

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

Perhaps it is because I strayed from the A’s in the early nineties. Maybe it’s because I waited for six years after the publication of Moneyball before I began reading it. I don’t think that’s it.

I offer the following commercial slogan from the aforementioned nineties: “Squeeze the fun out of it!” Such was the command of General Mills’ sugary drink “squeeze-it.” Such is how I feel reading about the rise of Bill James and his sabrmetrics. I have never met Mr. James nor have I read any of his publications. What I have gleaned, however, is that Mr. James appears to be over analyzing the sport of baseball.

To be fair, I am just as much a fan of a good stat as anyone else. Bob Gibson’s 1.12 ERA for the entire 1968 season is unconscious. Johnny Van Der Meer pitching back-to-back no-hitters is ridiculous. So to is Brooks Robinson winning 16 gold gloves throughout his illustrious career. These are all stats to be true. What is lost about these men is that they have and had incredible immeasurable talent. Bob Gibson is 74 years old and last pitched for the Cardinals in 1975. I’m convinced he could get guys out today if umpires would let him establish the inside corners. Brooks Robinson was so dominant at third that often is the time I have heard Ray Fosse talk about hitting during BP and saying “Nice play Brooks” whenever a ball was hit toward third.

I understand that fantasy baseball is a burgeoning money making industry that creates more interest in the game for those who would otherwise gamble. I also realize that it creates an entire wing of ESPN with Matthew Berry at the helm. That’s dandy but that’s not me. I have been asked a few times why I don’t play fantasy baseball and I offer that I don’t want to root against guys on my team. Such is not the full nature of Sabrmetrics or Stats Inc.

Sabrmetrics is a system of compiling stats and creating OPS as a way of noting that bunting and stealing bases is bad. It also completely de-values defense because you can stat defense. You can use your eyes though and I can tell when someone makes a good or bad play. Coaches the league over chart these things to know how to position outfielders. Eric Chavez gave his first gold glove to then A’s third base coach Ron Washington because he valued his teaching so much. Yet somehow, the idea of defense can’t be stated and thus doesn’t matter as much.

The mantra is “defense wins championships.” While I used to roll my eyes whenever I heard Rick Barry say it on KNBR, it is true. Look at the 2006 Detroit Tigers in the World Series. Each game, a pitcher on the Tigers had an error. Even Kenny Rogers whose errors are usually limited to Texas area cameramen. They lost to Tony LaRussa and the Cardinals in five games.

Above all this, I’m trying to watch the game. There is something pure about green grass, sunshine, and white uniforms. That’s baseball. The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, and someone making the difficult look routine. What devalues baseball in the eyes of some fans is the appeal to the casual fan. What’s also a fact is that there are more statistics around baseball than during the election. Then again, that would make Nate Silver’s ability to predict poll results all the more understandable.

So: yay stats or boo stats? Your feelings in the comments.

Fuck You, Seagull

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Oh don't get me started, Seagull. Wrigley Field is not the motherfucking beach. There is no sand here. There is no water here. There are no women frolicking in bikinis begging to be ravaged by any species of males.

This is a baseball stadium, Seagull. Reed Johnson does not want you all up in his shit. Speaking of shit, do not shit on Reed Johnson. He only likes that when he's been drinking.

The thing is, Seagull, you can't come alone. Can't leave home without your friends, can you? It's all about strength in numbers for you birds. You need your entire entourage to validate that you're an asshole.

But the game's up, Seagull. You're down by six with two outs in the ninth. There's a high fly to center and BAM! You lose, Seagull.

(Photo: The Cubdom)

Americans care more about pets than people

Torture some dogs, go to jail for 19 months; hit and kill a person while driving drunk, spend 30 days in the clink and get probation.

Seems like the gap between Michael Vick's dog slaying sentence and that of Donte' Stallworth's DUI manslaughter is rather wide.

After all, they were just dogs he slaughtered (cue the torch-carrying mob) while an innocent 59-year-old man was hit by a drunk driver.

On the surface, it'd seem Stallworth's crime was far more severe, but the sentences would indicate otherwise. We think there are two key reasons for that:

1. Stallworth's was a horrible, unthinkable accident that we wouldn't wish on anyone (how the hell do you live with that?). But he took complete accountability for his mistake. He handled the situation in as responsible a way as he could -- he cooperated with the police, didn't flee the scene after the accident and apologized profusely. As awful as a tragedy as this is, there's sympathy for apology.

Vick tortured dogs. And didn't seem to think twice about it or feel any remorse for doing it. In many ways, it seemed he enjoyed it. And he certainly wasn't sorry about it.

2. Money. The family of the victim in the Stallworth case wanted their nightmare to end. A settlement helped do that. Vick wasn't afforded the same luxury; there's no number of doggy bones that could bring Buster back (bad joke. Sorry. But fuck you for not laughing. Jerk.).

Maybe we're completely wrong on this (tell us if we are), but this seems like a pretty concrete example of how people have the willingness to forgive if responsibility is taken (this is a good thing. Steroid users, do take note).

And that people fucking love animals. Kill animals and you're all sorts of screwed. Accidentally kill a pedestrian on the other hand while breaking the law...

Morning Headlines: Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Sosa took 'roids].

-Baseball world stunned by Sosa's failed drug test

-Steroid accusations could cost Sosa first-ballot Hall of Fame honor

-Sosa: "But I was clean in '98"

Have at it, 'roiders.

What Really Grinds My Gears

Hello there. This is your weird uncle G$ from The Money Shot filling in for Zach today while he molds the minds and assholes of America’s youth. I realize that I have big, Jewish shoes to fill but I think that I can satisfy you deviants and Picturephiles. If you are unfamiliar with me, and you shouldn’t be since I’ve been commenting here since the Crimean War, you know that my little sausage fingers dispense hate at epic proportions. In fact, I’m going to use my guest post on one of Zach’s features that he really, really needs to bring back. Cue the Peter Griffin photo, because it’s time for another edition of “What Really Grinds My Gears”.

You know what really grinds my gears? Renaissance fairs. Why don’t you fucking people get with the program already? Trekkies and comic book guys and Harry Potter idiots — they all get bad raps for being friendless and dickless geeks. But the fact is, no group of people are as pathetic as those that participate in renaissance fairs.

My general hatred for these people began during my freshmen year of college when I was awaken from a peaceful drunken pass-out at 1 p.m. by some strange noises outside of my dorm room. Yep, two assholes were trying to joust each other in the attached field. There were onlookers dressed in all of their homoerotic fineries cheering these assholes on. At the time, it was the gayest thing that I had ever seen and probably still has not been topped to this day. Since I was up, I decided to head over to the dining hall for a greasy mess to help ease my Milwaukee’s Best sweats (we’ve all been there). I had an encounter with the fat black lady dispensing the food that day that went something like this:

G$: Give me some of that chicken salad please.

FBL (fat black lady): Oh, we’re out of that. Those strange people ate it all.

G$: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. It’s the only reason that I got out of bed, dammit!

FBL: Why you so angry???

G$: Whatever, just give me 26 grilled cheeses and some chocolate milk.

So not only did these queerbaits wake me up with their fagfest, but they also ate my fucking lunch. And not just a normal lunch, either, but the always delicious hangover lunch. But that shit happened eight fucking years ago. I’ve gotten over it, finally. But the other week, I’m watching the underrated “Dinner: Impossible” on Food Network and there they are again. Robert Irvine must cook a meal for a renaissance fair using only ingredients and methodology that was used in the 16^th century.

Sure, he completes the mission even with all of the pussies and skidmarks passing by and asking him questions in British accents so bad that it makes Don Cheadle’s in Ocean’s 11 seem passable. Of course, the job would not be considered a success unless “the king” of the fair approved. Yeah, the king. You mean the guy who spends his weekdays either selling used cars, working as a middle school guidance counselor or mopping up semen at the adult video store by the airport? That guy? That guy is the king of you all? Fuck that shit.

And not to go all Jerry Seinfeld here, but what’s the deal with the robes, anyway? The only people that wear robes are Hugh Hefner, Greg Oden and assholes.

Was the renaissance period so great that it warrants people re-enacting it? Am I missing something here. Wasn’t there a plague back then? Why do complete wastes of life want to recreate this time period using their own fucked up assumptions for what life was like back then? Well, I will tell you what life was like back then...shitty. Do you know why nothing from back then is still being utilized today? Because it sucked.

Get a fucking life, you asshats. How about actually contributing to the progression of TODAY’S society. And, of course, by “progression”, I mean “killing yourself and other fairies that you hang out with in some type of Jonestown Massacre”. Or you can swallow your lance. However you want to kill yourself, as long as it gets done, I’m cool with that.

Just think about it for a minute...other than Cowboys fans, is there another group of people that contribute less to the world than those that participate in renaissance fairs?

I’m G$ and that’s what really grinds my gears.

Fuck You, Pig

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Well this is new, Pig.

What? The days of rolling in mud and smelling like rotten asshole are over? Is this the 21st Century pig? It's now white-sand beaches, crystal-clear water and fucking wave runners?

Don't bring Andrei Kirilenko into this, Pig. He didn't do anything to you. He's just trying to enjoy his vacation and then you came along to rain on the parade. If you're trying to sneak into the paparazzi shot, you think you could have at least put on some make-up or gotten your fat ass out of the FUCKING WAY.

Get off my beach, Pig, and go crawling back to Old McDonald. If you think the Big Bad Wolf was bad you haven't seen shit yet.

(Photo: Deadspin)

"You're outta here!" No, ALL of you

Give prep umpire Don Briggs some credit, the man knows how to take control of a precarious situation. During a high school game last week in West Burlington, Iowa, the crowd became unruly after a disputed play at the plate. So he did what any high school ump would do: He ejected the entire crowd.

We'll let the AP explain:

An umpire emptied the stands at a high school baseball game, ejecting the entire crowd of more than 100 fans for being unruly.

Fucking love the AP. So concise.

Briggs then called the police and convened with the school's superintendent, both coaches and the other umps, and after a 40-minute delay it was agreed the fans could return, under the condition that any negative comments made could result in ejection and a disorderly conduct charge.

Sounds reasonable, sure. Thing is, neither the superintendent nor the cops saw any bad behavior by the fans whatsoever. So perhaps Briggs was overreacting just slightly.

Iowa sounds so damned fun, doesn't it!? And hey, West Burlington won, 12-11. So everyone went home happy.

Meet Eri Yoshida, the 17-year-old Japanese professional baseball player who throws a knuckleball (not very well) and is sorta cute (but not really)

That smiling mug to the right is of 17-year-old Eri Yoshida, Japan's first female professional baseball player. She plays for the Cruise 9's of the four-team Kansai Independent League where she took a loss this weekend while struggling to command her sidearmed knuckle ball.

THERE'S A 17-YEAR-OLD JAPANESE GIRL WHO PLAYS PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL AND THROWS A KNUCKLEBALL?!?! SIDEARM!?!? THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME!!! BUT SHE SORTA SUCKS. AND SHE'S ONLY FIVE FEET. THAT'S OK, THOUGH. SHE'S A 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL PLAYING PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL IN JAPAN AND THROWS A SIDEARM KNUCKLEBALL!! WE ARE IN FUCKING LOVE WITH ERI YOSHIDA!! THIS GIRL IS SOOOOO COOL!!!

But she probably likes Hello Kitty. That sucks.

Morning Headlines: Los Angeles 99, Orlando 86

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Lakers win NBA Championship].

-Farmar lifts Lakers to 15th title

-Van Gundy: "It wasn't our year"

-Orlando can't hold first-quarter lead, loses Game 5

Talk NBA for the last time this season in the comments.

Housekeeping

Hi, how are ya? Ready for the weekend? Watch the Finals game last night? Light some candles and sit down with a bottle of Jergens and surfthechannelx.com? Juiced about Game 7 tonight? Didn't know there was a Game 7 tonight? Gonna spend time getting to know Theresa better?

So we're entering that point of the year where we have zero time for much of anything. Various camping trips, 10-hour work days and plenty of socializing consumes the June-August stretch. But fear not, we'll have regular contributor Adam, super commenter and editor of the kick-ass The Money Shot, GMoney, and guest-writer David Kamoe filling in Monday through Thursday.

We'll be with you Friday and then, more or less, the rest of the summer. We'll really try not to suck, because then we lose readers, advertisers and money, which, well, sucks. But if things get slow, you know why. Feel free to call us out on it though.

Have fun with the guest posters this week. Chop it up in the comments and we'll see you kiddos Friday.

Fuck You, Deer

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Comfy? So you think you can just turn the 18th into your fucking nap zone, do ya, Deer? Well golf may be slow but it sure isn't reason to sit down and relax.

Maybe you're just an obstacle. Sand trap, pond, BIG FUCKING DEER ANTLERS. But it's not your job to play spoiler, Deer. You're meant for eating people's gardens, causing car accidents and starring in motherfucking cartoons. Leave the golf to the professionals, Deer, or Bambi might have an unfortunate "accident."

FOUL, you fucking idiots

How many game-tying threes in the final 10 seconds will it take before coaches realize that YOU CAN FUCKING FOUL! IT'S RIGHT THERE IN THE RULEBOOK! IF YOU MAKE CONTACT WITH THE OPPOSING PLAYER, HE GETS TO SHOOT TWO -- AS IN ONE FUCKING TWO -- FREE THROWS. You can breathe on a guy in the NBA and get called for a foul. Yet, when the game's on the line, let's let 'em take a three! Fuck, five minutes of extra basketball never hurt anyone.

If I'm an Orlando fan, I'm pulling a Tanya Harding on Stan Van Gundy's fucking kneecaps. What a devastating loss. (But strong free throw shooting by Dwight Howard at least kept the Magic in the game.)

Montana to, ugh, hmm...TOUCHDOWN HUSKIES!

Who said 0-12 isn't a good recruiting tool? Fuck that, says, Nick Montana, who's daddy used to throw touchdowns and bang plenty of road beef.

Pictured throwing a football prior to nap time, the baby-faced Montana gave a verbal commitment to Washington where Steve Sarkisian will turn Montana into the next Matt Leinart or Mark Sanchez; he even has the similar 'N Sync look.

The last name doesn't automatically make Montana good, though he was ranked as the No. 13 QB by Scout.com. Even if he starts as a freshman in two years, Montana might see the remnants of a winless team. Devin Aguilar and Jermaine Kearse aren't exactly Rice and Taylor.

Kobe Bryant went to middle school, still kind of an asshole

Sole Collector dug up some of Kobe Bryant's middle school yearbook photos. Fitting as many schools are finishing today or tomorrow. And the NBA Finals are still trucking along. Ultra timely.

Of note, Bryant was tall, wore No. 24, participated in choir and may have liked girls.

NBA Player introductions are total cheese

We here at The Big Picture have a long-established distaste for the NBA so imagine my own surprise when I found myself watching the beginning of last night's NBA Finals Game 3. I tuned in just in time to see the Magic's player introductions. I forgot how, aside from the BCS, these introductions might be the worst thing in sports. Bizarre mascots and cheerleaders descending from the rafters on wires, crazy lights flashing all over, highlight videos, the list goes on. It's one thing to do it for the finals, but we all know this kind of nonsense happens before most regular season games as well. Yet another reason to tune out the NBA.

Will Stephen Strasburg be the next Bryan Bullington?

Stephen Strasburg, the first pick in yesterday's MLB Draft, and Bryan Bullington have four things in common:

1. They are No. 1 overall picks
2. They are pitchers
3. They played collegiate ball for non-powerhouse schools (San Diego State and Ball State, respectively)
4. They have bad baseball names. Stephen Strasburg sounds like an investment banker, Bryan Bullington is in pharmaceutical sales.

Other than that, Strasburg hopes his career in no way parallels that of Bullington's, the top pick in the 2002 Draft, by Pittsburgh. In parts of four major league seasons with three teams, Bullington has not recorded a win and has appeared in just 13 games. This season, with Toronto, has been his best. He's logged six innings, allowing two runs.

The Pirates picked Bullington in part because of his signability. Other players in the Draft -- B.J. Upton, Prince Fielder -- would have commanded more money.

True, maybe, but it's impossible to look past the other pitchers the Pirates passed up, all of whom have gone on to far more successful careers: Adam Loewen (No. 4), Zack Greinke (No. 6), Jeff Francis (No. 9), Joe Saunders (No. 12), Scott Kazmir (No. 15), Cole Hamels (No. 17), Jeremy Guthrie (No. 22), Joe Blanton (No. 24), Matt Cain (No. 25).

Quick aside: Holy fucking shit was the 2002 Draft stacked with pitchers! Now back to the rest of the column.

This, of course, is not to slight Bullington or the Pirates, it's just another case study in how unpredictable the MLB Draft can be.

Which brings us to Strasburg. The flame-throwing righty is being billed as a "sure thing," a "can't-miss" prospect. We can't be so sure. How the power pitcher's game will translate to the big leagues is hard to tell. He'll spend a couple years in the minors, facing hitters far better than he did with the Aztecs. And he's with the Nationals. The weight that organization will put on him could prove damning.

So, yeah, will Strasburg be the next Bullington? Maybe. And Matt Hobgood (pick No. 6) will be the next Cole Hamels.

Morning Headlines: Tim Floyd resigns

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Floyd quits as USC coach].

-Former Bulls coach steps down after "successful" season

-Floyd: 'It was time'

-Early NBA Draft entries not affected by coaching decision

Your coaching controversy headlines in the comments, please.

Movie Talk: Best movies you've seen lately

This might become a regular summer post: movie talk.

Like seriously, there is nothing going on that's related to sports and involves either humor or boobs. Check around the Web a little bit. The most interesting thing I read today involved a way to get porn passwords from a bot or something like that. I tried for 30 seconds before stopping in fear of my computer exploding. (If you have any porn passwords -- Brazzers, Naughty American, RealityKings -- we'll trade you a shoutout for endless jerk material. Send your passwords here. You'll be heavily thanked).

So let's talk about movies. Today's question: Name the best movie(s) you've seen in the last few months. Can either be on video or in the theater.

Feel like we haven't seen a very good movie in a while. We have high standards, yes, but it's been a while since like seeing a GREAT movie. Here's what we've seen/re-seen lately that does stand out:

-I Love You, Man
-Role Models
-Memento
-Big Fish -- I fucking love this movie. I have no idea why. I don't usually like those fable-like movies and Tim Burton is fucking weirdo who probably killed insects as a child. But this movie gets me every time. If you're in the mood for a good cry, check it out.
-Taken

Give us some Netflix material in the comments, please. PLEASE!

Clubs, breathalyzers and Clear and Present Danger

Saturday was Example 1,024 that I have no idea how to talk to girls.

I was out with some buddies at this club and I was DDing. They're all getting tossed and I'm the awkward guy with his hands stuffed in his pockets looking slightly annoyed.

My buddies have lost inhibition, so are naturally talking to the hot girl with the fakies and also the overweight chicks with the prison tats.

I'm clearly interested in the idea of actually talking to the hottie with the fakies. I don't actually wanna talk to her (I was told later that she said she was from Richmond, Calif., despite saying that she was from the South Bay. Richmond is in the East Bay and a good hour from anything slightly resembling the South Bay.) but I want to know that I could talk to her.

But I had no idea how to initiate the conversation. Making me think, I need some sort of gimmick that serves as a conversation starter.

For example, in I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, the author has one of those store-bought breathalyzers so you know how drunk you are before you're facing a breathalyzer in a far worse situation. He basically gets wasted while checking his BAC after every drink. He naturally gets the whole bar involved and then throws up all over himself. Had he cut himself off, he would have totally gotten laid.

Other ideas for good ice breakers include going waaaay overdressed (like nice suit and tie) to a dive bar, pretending to be foreign, actually being foreign, pretending to be new to the city. Your ice breakers highly encouraged for everyone's sake in the comments.

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Meanwhile, there was one chick Saturday who was beyond smoking hot. She was like Eva Longoria with sexy piercings and tattoos and probably got paid to dance naked at one point in time. While in line for the bathroom, she comes over and asks what nationality my brother and I are. I think that was her way of saying she wanted to fuck me. Yeah, she definitely wanted to fuck me.

I told her that I was whatever she wanted me to be and she laughed and I came a little. But then what looks like the club manager (or owner) comes and opens like a secret door and she follows him in. I then say to her, "What's going on back there?"

She responds: "Wouldn't you like to know?"

I don't like hypothetical questions. Well, I would like to know. That's why I asked the fucking question.

There is no doubt that she blew him. He looked like a relative of Tony Soprano. With a big chain necklace. Sometimes I hate this world.

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Feel like I say this every year: the NCAA Baseball Tournament is the best tournament that nobody talks about. There's no Fresno State this year, but nonetheless, always a fun tourney. Tune in to the CWS as we'll surely be talking about it in the coming weeks.

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I think I've said this before, but Clear and Present Danger is on every single day. (AMC yesterday. Probably USA the day before. Probably TNT the day before that. FX tomorrow.) There's no other way to explain it. Easily the most showed movie in the history of cinema and television. Solid movie though.

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I was proposed this question over the weekend: name one TV series where the show's first season wasn't the best season. I came up with Arrested Development. Saved By the Bell, maybe, because Kelly Kapowski gets older and her tits get bigger.

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Anybody still watching the NBA Finals? In five years, "The Orlando Magic," will be the answer to the very difficult trivia question, "Who did the Lakers sweep in the 2009 Finals?"

FUCK LA! FUCK THE NBA! What's it going to take for people to realize that this is a very flawed, uninteresting league? C'mon, who's with us?! REVOLUTION!

The English translation would be Tony Bastard

File this into the "unfortunate name" category: Meet Antonio Bastardo, a 23-year-old starting pitcher for the reigning World Champion Phillies.

He had a solid first start and followed up with a solid outing against the Dodgers Sunday night, improving to 2-0 with a 2.45 ERA.

Aw, who are we kidding?! This kid probably took more shit than you can imagine in grade school.

An athlete's worst possible day

Yesterday in Major League Baseball saw two of the worst possible days an athlete can have. Toronto's Alex Rios went 0-5 with five strikeouts in a loss to Los Angeles of Anaheim and Detroit's Dontrelle Willis pitched 21/3 innings of no-hit ball but gave up five earned runs on five walks and a hit batsman (the reliever promptly gave up a hit to knock in the inherited runners), and took the loss.

Two thoughts:

1. Rios' day is about as bad a day as possible for a hitter. The only thing that could've made it worse was if he had stranded a bunch of runners in the process (he left on just two) or grounded in to some double plays. But 0-5 with 5 Ks is just horrible.

Willis' day should probably be classified as unusual or frustrating rather than bad. Five runs in 21/3 is far from a pitcher's worst possible outing.

2. How do the worst days in other major sports stack up to these? The football equivalent would likely be a quarterback producing numbers like 6-19, 74 yards, 0 TDs, 4 INTs (read: a typical Sunday for the current 49er starter), or 22 carries, 41 yards, 0 TD, 2 fumbles for a running back.

The closest in basketball would be an off-night for a shooter -- 0-13 FG, 2 points, and so on.

So is Rios' day as bad as it gets? Do share.

Fuck You, Squirrel

What? You thought you'd get away with it, Squirrel?

You may be cute. Fans may think your act is adorable. But I know who you are, Squirrel. You're trouble with a capital FUCK YOU! Think you can do an army crawl into left field and not be detected. "Oooh, there's Shin-Soo Choo, better go into camouflage mode." You may be able to outrun the police and baseball players, but you won't get by me, you sneaky bastard.

It's all fun and games for you isn't, Squirrel? You eat your acorns, dance on telephone wires and interrupt baseball games. But life isn't always like that, you naïve fuck. There are real-life worries out there that you seem to have no regard for. Get back to me when you're balancing 60-hour work weeks, soccer practice and a mortgage.

A giant on the Giants now among giants

Lowercase "giants" are figurative, uppercase one is literal. Thanks for asking.

Congrats to Randy Johnson on win No. 300. That's one hell of an accomplishment.

It happened against the organization that drafted him, no less, in front of 16,787 fans on a rainy afternoon in Washington. Tip of the hat to the fans there for supporting Johnson and the Giants on this day. The Nats aren't going anywhere; this gave the fans something to cheer about and they seized the opportunity.

And to all those experts who suggest no one will never win 300 again: That's a fucking bogus statement. It probably won't happen to any pitcher pitching in the majors today, but it could -- should, even -- happen again. This era of low pitch and inning counts will likely change at some point with medical advancements and the such. So when pitchers are throwing every third or fourth day, there's no telling what will happen.

Nothing's impossible, that's all. And nicely done, you tall, tall man.

An interview with Carlos Beltrán

A producer on the Mets' SNY broadcast crew was recently put in isolation with a possible case of swine flu. Carlos Beltrán had missed three-straight games with a stomach ailment. Enter the New York media and connect the dots.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Carlos.
Carlos: Sure.

TBP: We're sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
Carlos: I wasn't diagnosed with anything.

TBP: People can recover from swine flu.
Carlos: I don't have swine flu.

TBP: How are you feeling?
Carlos: Much better, thanks.

TBP: That's too bad. Have you told your family?
Carlos: Told them what?
TBP: About your case of swine flu.
Carlos: I don't have swine flu.

TBP: How has your life changed these last few days?
Carlos: It hasn't really changed.

TBP: How's John (Maine) doing? Has he broken the news?
Carlos: What news?
TBP: About him also being infected.
Carlos: He isn't infected with anything.

TBP: You've only hit six homers this season. Is it because of the swine flu?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Is it tough when none of the guys talk to you and treat you like you're invisible?
Carlos: Nobody's doing that.

TBP: Did you hear about the McLouth trade?
Carlos: Yeah, it's a big pickup for Atla...
TBP: Are you jealous that he's healthy and you have swine flu?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Are you afraid that fans in Pittsburgh will chant, "SWINE FLU. SWINE FLU," if you play today?
Carlos: No.
TBP: Oh, and what's Jerry Manuel thinking trying to play you today? That's ridiculous! A guy in your condition can't play baseball!
Carlos: I can play fine.

TBP: Did you ever see that movie Outbreak?
Carlos: No.
TBP: That shit's fucked up. Really scary. Do you see parallels to your situation?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Rene Russo is a total MILF! I would totally do things to her.
Carlos: OK.
TBP: She's 55! That's super un-sexy, but she's really hot. How bad do you wanna fuck her?
Carlos: I'm not sure.
TBP: Do you think you can pass swine flu by fucking?
Carlos: I don't know.

TBP: You used to play for the Royals.
Carlos: That was a great way to start my career.
TBP: Do you ever think that if you still played in Kansas City you probably wouldn't have gotten swine flu?
Carlos: I never thought that.

TBP: The guy who drafted you in my fantasy league is trying to trade you. Do you think he's a doctor?
Carlos: I don't know.
TBP: He's not.

TBP: I know a guy who always roots against you. Why do you think that is?
Carlos: I'm not sure. Sometimes success leads to hostility.
TBP: Or maybe he's just racist.

TBP: Well, jeez, get better soon man.
Carlos: I'm fine.
TBP: OK, thanks for taking the time.
Carlos: All right.

SI.com redesigns, a nation rejoices

SI.com, following ESPN's front-page overhaul from a while back, has decided it too should revamp the look, as evident in the nifty before-and-after shot above.

Looks fine, clean, simple. Necessary? Absolutely not. We feel that everybody hates change the way that a person hates black licorice. Sometimes the best move in response to the competitor is the move you don't make.

Your thoughts? Like it? Hate it? Didn't notice? More interested in removing that ingrown hair on your neck? Leave it all in the comments if you give two shits.

Bow Down, motherfuckers

Ah, the joy of winning a National Championship. Today the grass is greener, the sun warmer and the Washington football team didn't go 0-12 last season.

The UW softball team made us proud, sweeping top-seeded Florida and winning its first softball title.

Naturally, ESPN fucked up that above headline, suggesting that this was U-Dub's first national championship in any sport. It isn't.

The women's volleyball team won the title in 2005 and UW captured the NCAA football championship in 1991 behind guys named Mark Brunell and Steve Emtman, who you may or may not have heard of.

So today we are all champions. Bow down to Washington...

Pick the Perp Contest Results

Fun times at picktheperp.com. We had two winners -- see, that shit is hard! -- who could successfully identify the criminal.

Big ups go out to Sean Falese and Bobby Hundley for getting three in a row. Neither of them wanted the porn links. We're surprised, too.

Dennis Rodman is going to televised rehab, so basically he's just on TV

Dennis Rodman in rehab is about as much fun as virgin margaritas, but VH1 seems to think the former NBA star -- and current reality television star (star?) -- makes for good TV. The Worm will be on the Season 3 of Celebrity Rehab on VH1.

Dennis Rodman will be on the third season of Celebrity Rehab.

See? Blockquote. That means it's real.

Rodman has also been on reality shows like The Celebrity Mole, U.K. Celebrity Big Brother, and Celebrity Apprentice. All of those shows have clever titles.

Clearly being a retired NBA player with an alcohol problem is tough work. Not easy to rebound (pun!)...that's why celebrities and reality television make such a depressing pair.

In non-depressing news, Rodman was briefly married to Carmen Electra. They probably had sex. A lot. There is nothing remotely unfortunate about that.

Pick the Perp Contest

Go to Pick the Perp. It is hilarious, awful, and surprisingly difficult all at the same time. If you get three in a row, we'll give you the normal choice of prizes: guest post, link to your site, porn links. Send us a screengrab of the top right of the page where it says, "Best Streak," to verify that you know your police lineups. Reach us at zachls5@gmail.com. Good luck, detectives.

Morning Headlines: Florida State 37, Ohio State 6

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: SSReporters (again!) with this from Texas' 25-inning win over Boston College: BC eager to play Army in next game.

[Florida State-Ohio State box score].

-Buckeyes pound out 13 hits in loss

-Second-inning rally paces FSU to Super Regionals

-Seminoles overcome two errors, 'spotty' pitching, to advance

Your college baseball blowout headlines encouraged in the comments.

Miserable Sports Cities

Just when something good was about to happen to Cleveland, a city that's been waiting for nearly 50 years for something good to happen, along comes Dwight Howard, raining threes and punishing defense to remind Cleveland natives that "good" and "sports" in the same sentence just aren't meant to be.

But Cleveland isn't the only city that's hurting. Here's a look at the top five most miserable sports cities. As always, omissions, thoughts and disagreements welcome in the comments.

5. Atlanta

Hard to consider Atlanta as miserable seeing as the Braves won 14-straight division titles starting in 1991. Yet, they only won one World Series in that span ('95) and have had mediocre attendance since, despite their regular-season success.

Aside from the Hawk's 1958 championship (which actually occurred while in St. Louis), Atlanta's success has been scattered and inconsistent. The Dirty Bird was fun while it last, though.

4. San Diego

Neither the Chargers or Padres have won a Super Bowl or World Series, respectively, though the Chargers did win an AFL title in 1963.

Of the four pro teams to have called San Diego home (the Rockets and Clippers used to play there), none have an overall winning record in the city. This futility has led to the term San Diego sports curse. Nobody really refers to the San Diego sports as a curse because we don't think anybody really cares. Great weather and nice beaches can really go a long way...

3. Buffalo

It's been 44 years since Buffalo has been a championship city. Sure, the Bills tried really, really hard in the 90s, but lost four-straight Super Bowls, which must be some sort of record.

The Sabres have had success, yet have only made it to the Stanley Cup Finals twice, most recently in 1999 losing to the Stars in six.

Pro baseball and basketball isn't really a big deal up there. But Niagara Falls is pretty neat.

2. Seattle

The Emerald City's last professional championship was 30 years ago by a team that no longer plays there (the Sonics). Of course the Seattle Storm captured a WNBA crown in 2004, but nobody really seems to notice that.

The Seahawks made the 2006 Super Bowl and have been a playoff team for much of the decade, yet its history is built on losing.

The Mariners won a record 116 games in 2001, yet remain one of few teams to never reach the World Series.

The Washington Huskies football team captured a co-National Championship with Miami in 1991, but are in the midst of five straight losing seasons and went 0-12 last year which we still can't believe actually happened.

1. Cleveland

The Browns won the NFL Championship in 1964 and that's about all the city's got. Of course Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore in '96 (where the Ravens later won a championship to add to the pain) and the city was without an NFL team for three years. Now they have Brady Quinn. Take that any way you want.

The Indians made the World Series in 1997, yet lost to the Marlins and have the second longest World Series drought behind the Cubs. They're more known for their controversial mascot than anything else.

The Cavs made the NBA Finals in 2007, only to be swept. This latest disappointment will lead to off-season speculation of LeBron James' future in Cleveland. If he leaves, Cleveland could become a ghost town.

Best things a girl can say

Saw this thread on some message board and it was pretty funny. What's the best thing you can hear out of a girl's mouth?

Some of ours:

-Don't worry, it's not yours
-I got my period
-I just broke up with my boyfriend
-Is it cool if you don't wear a condom tonight?

Yours, please, in the comments.

Morning Headlines: Texas 3, Boston College 2 F/25

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Texas-BC box score].

-Eagles' run in bottom of the sixth forces extra innings

-'Horns overcome three errors for 'important' win

-Austin Wood throws 169 pitches in middle relief

Your college baseball marathon comments welcomed.