Monday, June 22, 2009

Sports Fans We Love to Love

A while back our pals at Seattle Sportsnet made a fantastic list of the sports fans we love to hate and then followed it up with part two. While hate is normally in our blood, the sun is shining, the halter tops are out and summer has officially begun; those things put us in a happy place. So rather than discussing the common sports fans we hate, we thought we'd put out there the ones we love.

8. The Teacher

Characteristics: New father or grandfather; accompanied by young child; khakis, dress shirt and home team's cap; even demeanor; patience; probably looks and sounds like Peter Falk from The Princess Bride.

Love 'em because: Everyone needs a good teacher. This fan is there explaining the game to the fan of the future. The Teacher will put up with the silly questions and find pleasure in bonding with youth over a sporting event.

7. The Radio Listener

Characteristics: Middle-aged; hat is covered with pins; unshaven; headphones purchased in early 90s.

Love 'em because: The Radio Listener does not want to hear your bullshit. The Radio Listener does not want to hear the little boy ask his parents for another fucking malt. The Radio Listener does not want to hear that obnoxious heckler who has made it very clear that the pitcher is a bum.

The Radio Listener cares about the game and only about the game. In tune with the broadcast, this fan wants Xs and Os from the experts and that's it.

6. The Loyalist

Characteristics: Patient; happy-go-lucky; has solo season ticket; never leaves the game early; likes to make conversation with those around.

Love 'em because: The Loyalist will wait out the two-hour rain delay in Washington just to see the Nats lose 9-3 to the Marlins. Rain, repeated losing, family...nothing gets between The Loyalist and his team. The stadium is his home and he's just happy to be there.

5. The Rally Starter

Characteristics: Loud; confident; decked out in the team's apparel; makes friends with those around him; won high-school championship.

Love 'em because: The Rally Starter is a guy you love on your side and hate when he's against you. Kinda like Jonathan Papelbon. Or anyone on the Red Sox, really.

He'll be the optimistic one when you're down by six with a minute left and the other team at the free throw line; or when losing by two possessions entering the fourth quarter; or when you're trailing by two entering the bottom of the ninth. He's not naïve, just confident. With the support of The Rally Starter, "loss" is not in the vocabulary.

4. The Scorekeeper

Characteristics: Old, tattered hat of the home team; hunched shoulders; chewed-on pen; scorebook; pack rat.

Love 'em because: The Scorekeeper is dedicated. Plain and simple. Not the type to cheer wildly for the 450-foot shot, but rather keeps to himself and records the homer in the scorebook. Wondering what the No. 3 hitter did in his second at-bat? Go make friends with The Scorekeeper.

3. Nervous, Worst-Case-Scenario Guy Who Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play/Possession.

Characteristics: Medium build; little-to-no team apparel; sweaty palms; looks physically uncomfortable; very quiet; used to heartbreak.

Love 'em because: Nervous, Worst-Case-Scenario Guy Who Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play/Possession really fucking cares. Like a lot. This is your true fan. This is the fan that has seen the home team blow a 20-point halftime lead. This is the fan that has seen the closer give up three runs in the top of the ninth in the playoffs. This is the fan that has seen the onside kick recovered by the opponent. But this is the fan that keeps coming back.

Devoted, passionate and sincere, Nervous, Worst-Case-Scenario Guy Who Lives and Dies with Every Pitch/Play/Possession is as die-hard as they come.

2. The Purist

Characteristics: Wearing sport apparel but not of any particular team; pensive; happy to chit-chat but comfortable in silence; looking for ample opportunities to clap.

Love 'em because: The Purist is there strictly for the love of the game.

The Purist will applaud a good play by the opposing team, give a standing ovation to an opposing pitcher who just threw a complete-game shutout and nod their head at a well-designed play.

The Purist may root for a certain team, but as long as the game is being played the way it's meant to be played, that's all that really matters.

1. The Hot Chick

Characteristics: Heavy make-up; high heels; club wear; guy on her arm; drink in hand; has absolutely no idea what type of sporting event she is actually at.

Love 'em because: Sports are so great because they often can be amazing without T and A. Yet when the two cross paths, good things often happen. We've all been to that 5-2 snoozefest in the summer, yet when you have The Hot Chick in the row in front of you, cleavage, legs and maybe a thong shot can keep you plenty entertained while your favorite team makes you feel stupid for spending $50 to see a dud of a game.

Thoughts, disagreements and other fans we love to love in the comments, please.


rstiles said...

Hot chicks = WHORES!!!!

GMoney said...

I disagree that we love the radio listener. I fucking hate that guy.

HM said...

In MN the "hot chicks" are all Twins fans. I am eagerly awaiting some July outdoor baseball next year.

I am part scorekeeper and part purist. I like your categories. I have never understood how someone can be a rally starter -- that is just so intellectually dishonest. But they do exist.

Bazooka Jones said...

I'd have to make Hot Chicks Who Know the Game #1 and the described Hot Chicks #1a.

I love the girl at the park that's fucking hot, wearing my team's kids size jersey (cap optional), and shows her knowledge of the game by applauding a nasty slider or a great bunt instead of just cheering with everyone else on the home run.

Anonymous said...

Worst case scenrio guy should be shot...he is not loved. I've had Detroit Pistons season tickets for years and one of the worst seasons I had as a ticket holder was when one of these ass clowns sat behind me most of the year. The Pistons would lose the opening tip and give up a basket and he would start saying...."Game is over...we're losing" It was 2-0 in a basketball game. Most people hadn't gotten to their seats yet and this asshole is saying the game is over. Best moment of the year was when his two snot nosed punk kids who were 10-12 years old were going for the t-shirts that were dropping from above on parachutes, the hot chick fan behind them grapped it and the two kids smacked together, fell down and started crying...that was priceless.

Anonymous said...

I love the guy who gives you the score backwards ... 7-14, or 3-5.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous - "Worst case scenrio guy should be shot...he is not loved"

Actually, the whiner that everyone hates is not the true worst-case scenario guy as described in the article. That guy is quiet. Your guy is a nattering nabob of negativism who spreads his bad vibes to everyone.

Anonymous said...

Jen Sterger? Really??? At least pick a legitimately hot girl for the #1 spot.

Anonymous said...

Finally, some BABES! We want more!

Frigidevil said...

Bazooka Jones you are 100% right. Average girl + sports knowledge = hot girl. Hot girl + sports knowledge is mind boggling. Anyone who disagrees, try having a real argument about sports with a hot chick. And while it may cause some problems, dating a rival fan is nothing short of awesome. Which reminds me of the greatest commercial of all time

Anonymous said...

I love the Bruins video...but I think dating a hot chick within the division should be allowed. Because when dating a chick who loves sports you have to bet on games....and those bets all have to involve some sort of sexual favors so dating a rival is great fun and everybody wins!!!

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