Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The All-Bad Tournament Team

This year's tourney has seen some great teams and players play like bad teams and bad players. Really, it has. Guys who have total talent just have been sucking much like Billy Packer. So we thought we'd compile a team of dudes who, well, kinda had a shitty tournament.

J.J. Re(small)dick, G, Duke - Small dick Redick shot 3-18 and scored a mere 11 points in Duke's loss to LSU in the Sweet 16. And he cried. Perhaps he was the "Big Baby" against LSU.

Gerry McNamara, G, Syracuse - Looks like the Little Engine that Could ran out of steam. After propelling the Orange ("men" was dropped from the name for obvious racial and political reasons...but don't worry, they're still a bunch of bigots) to a thrilling Big East Conference title, McNamara scored 2 points, had 3 turnovers and didn't make a field goal in the Orange's opening round loss to Texas A&M.

Tyler Hansbrough, F, North Carolina - The super freshman, who sort of resembles this guy, had a whopping 10 points on 5-13 shooting in a second-round loss to perennial power, George Mason.

Rudy Gay, F, UConn - Possibly the first overall pick in the upcoming NBA Draft, Gay must start showing up for games. While his body appears on the court, his mind is in fucking outer space hanging out with Tyler Hansbrough's look-alike. Gay's disappearance is a big reason UConn diarreheaed in D.C.

Joakim Noah, F/C, Florida - Actually, Noah has had an outstanding tourney and, if Florida wins it all, will be a huge reason why they do
. He's just too fucking weird not to put on this team. Look at this picture and then convince yourself that Noah had no ties to Jim Jones and The People's Temple. If Noah offers you Gatorade (or Kool-Aid if they serve that shit on the team bench) run for the fucking hills!

Jim Calhoun, Coach/Butt-weasel, UConn - Calhoun may just be the worst motivator in the history of the game. To have a team loaded with future NBA players lose to an 11-seed (no matter how good GMU is) is absolutely unacceptable. They wouldn't have even had the chance to blow it against Mason if Rashad Anderson doesn't pull a rabbit out of his ass and take UW to overtime. And Calhoun was bitching about the pod system because GMU was virtually at home. Maybe if you coached, dickhead, the home game wouldn't have mattered.

This post was brought to you by Joakim Noah's hair.

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