If we were A's fans, we'd be shopping for new furniture today

Sunday was a bad day to like the A's. Like whiskey/pistol bad. Like "Ikea Game" bad.

The line score above tells most of the story -- a blown save in the ninth, a really freakin' awful blown save in the 13th and a loss to the division-leading Mariners (what?!?!) in the rubber game of a three-game series.

Making matters worse, they played 15 innings, taxing the bullpen (Gio Gonzalez threw 108 pitches in five innings of relief) and forcing their starter from Friday night, Dana Eveland, to throw two days later (taking the loss Sunday after getting bombed in Game 1).

And, for the second time this weekend, Jose Lopez was the hero. Jose Lopez. A hero. Oil and water. The Mariners have a lineup that rivals only the Giants in futility and here comes Jose Lopez to get two walk-off hits in three days. That's stick-your-hand-in-a-fucking-blender frustrating.

The silver lining here is that Bay Area Ikeas should see some nice business today. Gooooooooo Economy!

It's probably the beach balls and the wave: Dodgers a perfect 10-0 at Chavez Ravine

The Dodgers moved to 10-0 at home after completing a four-game sweep over San Diego yesterday. That's a franchise record or something, witnessed by 52,096. About 35,000 of those "fans" thought they were at the beach and the "beach" started in the top of the third and ended in the bottom of the seventh.

Also: The Dodgers have the worst fans in baseball. There, we said it. And fuck you for thinking we're saying that because we like the Giants and hate the fucking Dodgers and hate people who like the Dodgers or think they like the Dodgers or wear Dodgers hats or wear blue and live in L.A.

So fuck off, Dodger fans.

Love Dodger Dogs, though. Those are goooood. But we fucking hate Dodger fans who eat Dodger Dogs.

Hope it's a big one!

John Danks goes digging in between innings. Hope he washed his hands first.

What makes this picture even more precious is that look on his face. Hey, it gets boring sitting on the bench.

Morning Headlines: The Kentucky Derby

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Kentucky Derby recap].

-3-year-old wins Derby

-Mine That Bird a first-time Derby winner

-Derby Spokesman: Barbaro 'nowhere to be found'

Leave your Derby headlines in the comments.

More fun with Barry Zito's Twitter

While just about everyone was tweeting ("twittering" makes so much more sense) about the Bulls-Celtics continuation of The OT Series, our favorite $126 million man was talking about bath soap.

If he continues to pitch decently, though, we'll let him talk about burning incense and lighting aromatic candles to complement his "Lush" bath ball.

Elsewhere in Twitter news, you can follow us here. We talk about masturbation, fecal matter and occasionally sports. It will enrich your life.

It's also neat to be following professional athletes as well as professional porn actresses. Always gotta know what Stormy Daniels' fucking dog is up to.

Did D-Wade knock up Gabrielle Union?

Rumors floating about the NBA's leading scorer, Dwayne Wade, having knocked up hot chick (and wonderful actress in a hot, not very good actress kind of way) Gabrielle Union. Wade had two kids with soon-to-be ex-wife Siohvaughn, who is none too pleased about Wade making Baby No. 3 (hey, that's his jersey number!) with Union.

No wonder Miami Heat superstar Dwyane Wade seems distracted at times this playoff season.

Rumors that his paramour, actress Gabrielle Union, recently was or currently is expecting his lovechild have been dogging Wade – this, as he fights through a nasty divorce with his high school sweetheart.

While Union, 36, denied it on a black entertainment website – “I love my margaritas too much,” she said – I’m told Wade’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Siohvaughn, went ballistic when Wade, 26, told her about the new baby.

Union's 36?! Whoa. Clock's ticking.

Remember her in Bad Boys II? She was hot as all hell in that movie. And remember that dead chick with the great cans? Yeah, totally great cans (kinda NSFW).

[Page2Live]

I'll give you something to crank

This is what happens when you're a wildly successful receiver at a small-town school that likes football: you get song parodies about you to the tune of Soulja Boy.



The rapper's name is RyZe and he's from Lubbock, home of TTU, where correct spelling is apparently optional. His career is on the fast track much the same as Snoop, Biggie and Tupac. Ideally, so is Crabtree's. There's even an entire website dedicated to the song.

Crank that Crabtree sounds like something one would do alone at night with some Jergens. The song is surely going top-40.

Morning Headlines: Boston-Chicago Game 5

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Celtics-Bulls box score].

-Free throws (16-24) don't prove costly as Celtics beat Eastern Conference foe

-Gordon logs 51 minutes for Bulls in loss

-Rivers: 'Rajon Rondo is the heart and soul of this team'

Your playoff best in the comments.

53 wins, 117 points and a regular season to remember gets blown to smithereens in six games

Disastrous, horrendous, gut-wrenching would probably be the best ways to describe the San Jose Sharks' series loss to the Anaheim Ducks.

The Bay Area's best hope for anything resembling sports success, the Sharks took a 53-18-11 record into the playoffs and like they've done so many times, completely collapsed in the playoffs.

Goodnight you sweet creatures. May you not epically disappoint next season.

Reason No. 4,298 why the NBA is a fucking joke

This is a playoff game where the road team won by 58 points. Nothing about this is remotely right.

Draft-Day Diary

For the draft, I went up to Davis, Calif. with five other guys on Friday night. We cramped into a small, one-bedroom apartment. Nobody threw up inside. There was a lot of shitting. And beer. Here's how Saturday went down.

8:09 a.m.: Wake up with pounding headache despite Alka-Seltzering the night before. That shit doesn't work at all. And drinking wine, Sparks and Coors Light, and getting six hours of sleep after sharing the bed with another man leaves you with a headache. These are indisputable facts.
8:10: Feel the turd wrapped around my colon.
8:15: Do something about it.
8:31: Wished I hadn't. (This, by the way, is a horrible feeling. To feel worse after dropping dung is a bad way to start a day).
8:58: Everyone's up. Hard to tell if Sam slept at all. He got in bed hawking Brian Orakpo and he still is. Sam is alone in this sentiment.
9:01: With so many needs for the 49ers, I say that the only way that they can fuck this up is if Crabtree is available at No. 10 and they don't take him.
9:02: Think that in about five and a half hours the Niners will do exactly that.
9:26: Walk over to the Financial District. It's not really a financial district, but there's a Wells Fargo, Bank of America and Chase all on the same block. Davis is not New York City. But there is a Financial District. +1 Davis.
9:45: Order breakfast at Crepevine. Crepes are a stupid food that should be left to the French and stupid people. Good thing that this stupid food restaurant also had normal breakfast items like eggs and toast and other non-stupid food.
9:48: Realized that I fucking hate regular breakfast places, too. For example, Friday night before hitting the road, I made a five-egg scramble with Andouille sausage, bacon, cheese, onions and bell pepper. First off, Andouille is better than sex. I would eat Andouille sausage in my fucking Cheerios. Andouille turns vegetarians into carnivores. Andouille could kill Chuck Norris. Secondly, this cost me about 10 minutes and maybe $3. At Crepevine, I got some southwestern scramble with salsa, avocado and other things that aren't particularly native to the southwest yet is considered southwestern cuisine. It was fine, yet there were only two eggs, there was no meat and it cost about eight bucks. Grrrr.
9:49: Mind-fuck a few of the waitresses. College girls wearing tank tops and daisy dukes is a good way to earn a tip.
9:51: Sam will not shut up about Brian Orakpo.
10:35: Begin beer/munchies run at local supermarket. Note supermarket's ping-pong ball selection is in the beer aisle.
10:36: Also in beer aisle is a make-your-own-six-pack. This is AWESOME! They have a bunch of individual bottles of good beers -- nice selection, too -- and you can arrange your own variety pack for like $8.50. Solid supermarket.
11:00: Next door, Papa Murphy's has just opened so we go to get some take-'n'-bake for lunch.
11:11: Order two cheese pizzas. It took us 11 fucking minutes to settle on two cheese pizzas. Our pizza maker was somewhat amused by our general ineptitude.
11:36: Compose and erect a NFL Draft Big Board and rotate through the bathroom. You wouldn't believe the action this toilet saw over the course of 36 hours. We just torched the hell out of that thing.
12:40 p.m.: Twenty minutes to go. Time to pop the champagne and pore some grapefruit mimosas.
1:00: "The Detroit Lions are on the clock." jkdjfiohsiotheodnuhndklsjfhwiothewh!!!!!!!!!!!
1:01: (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
1:02: Love how Jets fans are booing the start of the draft. These guys would boo the birth of their sister's child. "Shoulda been a boy."
1:12: Discuss how Seattle and Jacksonville hold the keys to this draft.
1:22: Tyson Jackson!!!!! A late mover has us out of our seats.
1:34: Proven wrong about the 'Hawks and Jags. Jets move up! MAJOR TRADE! Jets fans seem pleased, yet still booing.
1:55: Oakland takes Heyward-Bey from out of left fucking field. Al Davis is absolutely insane. He masturbates to 40 times. Heyward-Bey!?!?! At No. 7?!?!?! This is Al Davis.
1:57: Realize that if Crabtree makes it past Jacksonville he could be a Niner! We nervously anticipate the upcoming pick.
2:10: Crabtree still on the board! This is incredible news. Green Bay isn't going to take a receiver!
2:18: Niners are on the clock. The pick has to be Crabtree. But it could be Michael Oher. They need line help. Sam is fighting for Orakpo. We're in accordance that the worst pick here would be Jeremy Maclin. They're gonna fuck this up.
2:23: They don't! CRABTREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:27: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:31: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:55: Eat our first Papa Murphy's cheese pizza. Had never tried Papa Murphy's until now and think we probably won't again. That's not to say it was bad, but the take-'n'-bake concept isn't one we find appealing. Why would I pay someone to make me a raw pizza when I could not only have someone DELIVER me a pizza but it would be FULLY COOKED!
3:13: The hiccups have overcome Jamie (JMC). Jamie takes a "nap" to try to get rid of them. This is not a nap. This is Jamie passing out.
4:25: Jamie is back! Up from his nap and re-charged, he grabs another drink. We strongly approve of this.
4:26: Hiccups are back.
4:32: Can't believe Maualuga is still on the board. If he ends up in Baltimore, Pittsburgh or New England, he's a sure-fire Hall of Famer.
4:58: Maualuga ends up in Cincinnati. His Hall of Fame bid is over before it even began.
6:27: Eat second of two cheese pizzas. There is nothing good about Papa Murphy and what he stands for.
6:49: Turn on "Desperado." Fast-forward to the scene where Salma shows her tits. Salma Hayek is so mind-fuckingly hot in that movie we nearly circle-jerked. She was that amazing. Holy shit. Unbelievable. Here's a NSFW pic that will easily make your Monday better.
7:14: Rotate through the shower. Everyone shits again. Someone might have jerked it in the shower thinking of Salma. Probably not.
8:16: All cleaned up, drinks mixed in water bottles for the walk, and we get ready to burn down Davis.
9:27: We're two beers down apiece and have moved on to Scotch at Uncle Vito's. Horrible name for a bar. But they had the Sharks game on. SHARKS!
10:08: Walk outside to grab the mixed drinks we had stashed in some bushes. (Totally classy). We dusted those off while discussing the movie, "A History of Violence." Solid movie. Loved William Hurt in it. Thing is, we couldn't remember in one of the movie's final scenes when protagonist Viggo Mortensen encounters his brother (Hurt) and Hurt calls him by his real name, not the alias he has been living by the last many years. For the life of us, we couldn't remember his fucking name. It was driving us nuts. Conveniently, there was a Blockbuster a block away from the bar; everything in Davis is a block away. So Adam runs over to Blockbuster, drunk, and comes out five minutes later yelling JOEY!
10:37: Think tequila shots are a good idea.
10:39: Realize that tequila shots probably weren't a good a idea.
11:45: End up at some dance club -- it's Davis, so the dance club is just a Thai restaurant/bar with a big dance floor -- because the single guys want to, "go chase some skirt."
12:58 a.m.: Two dudes go back to some girl's house. Neither gets laid. Jets fans are booing.
1:14: The Niners drafted Crabtree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:39: Walking back home, we stumble into two guitar-playing bums. We ask for "November Rain" and settle for "Knockin' on Heaven's Door."
1:52: End up at some corner mini-mart. Again, influenced by too much alcohol, think that Cup of Noodles, Pringles and beef jerky is a good idea. Alcohol is a helluva drug.
2:12: Turn on "Borat."
2:26: Make snooty comment about Cup of Noodles in Borat voice.
2:59: CRABTREE!!!
3:01: Asleep. (CRABTREE!!!!)

Rick Ankiel has a cool new 'stache

Latest pro athlete to make a curious facial-hair decision: Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel.

"I think it looks good," he said.

(He didn't really say that.)

But if it's a slump buster, we'll take it. Ankiel's our boy in the head-to-head fantasy league and he went 3-4, hit his first homer and drove in two runs Thursday. Who said superstition doesn't pay off?

Ankiel's new look is similar to the style Jason Giambi rocked last July. Take off that batting helmet, he sorta looks like Joe Pantoliano from Memento. Memento. Good movie.

Naturally, Twitter maniac Barry Zito had the scoop. Zito is now shirtless in his profile pic. Is a mustache to follow?

You fucked a girl waaaay out of your league, you got a promotion and your fantasy is fucking killing; yet two hours of traffic erased all of that

On my way back from the gym I have to take this major, two-lane surface street that has more fucking traffic signals than I have pubic hairs. One of the lights is at a major intersection and I swear if you hit the light right as it's turning red you can get through an entire Guns N' Roses song before the light turns green. And not one of their short, shitty songs. I'm talking about one of their fucking ballads, like "November Rain" or the vastly underrated "Estranged."

No car was directly in front of me as I was approaching this intersection yesterday. I saw that handy "it's safe to cross the street and you won't get hit by a car but you better not take your fucking time if someone's trying to make a right turn" timer counting down, which is great for timing traffic lights. The timer was at four and I was totally gonna make it. Then some fuck in Subaru -- they're always in a fucking Subaru -- cuts me off, drives through the light and I'm stuck with eight minutes of G&R.

If there's anything that can instantly change my mood, it's missing all of the lights on this street or being stuck in traffic. I know you're going, "Blah blah blah just another jackass that hates traffic. EVERYBODY HATES TRAFFIC YOU HATE-FILLED ASSHOLE!" but think about how much traffic really sucks. There is no silver lining to traffic. There is no upside. No potential. (Not that I'm excited about the draft or anything).

Remember that scene from Falling Down where Michael Douglas is sitting in his car on a hot day, a fly buzzing in the car, beads of sweat on his forehead and he drives like 10 feet in 20 minutes then fucking loses it, abandons his car on the freeway and proceeds to kill a bunch of people? That movie was pretty awesome. But traffic -- Michael Douglas was also in the movie Traffic -- turns a normal man into a killing machine! TRAFFIC IS THAT FUCKING AWFUL!

Your hate-filled traffic stories encouraged in the comments. Please don't pull a Michael Douglas. That wouldn't be very good at all.

That's what the excitement for Lindsay Soto was all about?

Remember Lindsay Soto? The FSN/Versus blonde, maybe fake-titted hottie that was crowned Would you do... champ? She's back in the news...

All I heard while listening to local Sports Radio yesterday morning was how hot she was during the Sharks/Ducks telecast. Callers and the show's hosts were saying how she overshadowed a good Sharks victory.

So, naturally, all we could think about for the rest of the day was coming home, finding good YouTube footage from Tuesday's game, and lighting some candles while Jergens and Kleenex kept us company.

After some digging, Deadspin gave us the video we were looking for.



THAT'S IT?! That's like high-school cleavage. I would rather masturbate to Baseball Tonight than that. People excited about that are people stuck in a sexless marriage who still haven't discovered that there's free porn on the Internet.

Jamie Foxx to play Iron Mike?

Why they haven't already made a big-screen production about Mike Tyson seems strange, but while details of an upcoming film are fuzzy, Tyson is certain who he wants to portray him.

If Mike Tyson has his way, he'll get Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx to tackle his life story in an upcoming cinematic version of his life. The boxer has been talking to the press about this plan for more than a year now, and he told MTV News that it's still very close to happening.

"It's gonna be [about me]," he told MTV News about the planned collaboration. "It's gonna be Jamie Foxx portraying me in a life story."

Mike Tyson wouldn't do too bad on the big-screen himself -- it's Mike friggin' Tyson! The guy is pure drama! With MTV maybe attached to this project, though, it's gonna somehow come out like Jackass.

Brad Pitt in no way resembles Billy Beane; nobody apparently resembles Rick Peterson except for Rick Peterson

Old news (not to us. To us it's new news, which we think is commonly referred to as "news"): they're making a "Moneyball" movie. Brad Pitt's inked to play the role of Billy Beane, while Steve Soderbergh of "Traffic" fame will direct. How they will turn this ground-breaking book into a film that's supposed to make money will be quite the challenge for the screenwriters.

Elsewhere, Rick Peterson will play himself in the film.

Rick Peterson, the former A's and Mets pitching coach, will play himself in Steve Soderbergh's movie version of "Moneyball." Soderbergh, who has directed "Sex, Lies and Videotape," "Erin Brockovich," "Traffic," and the "Ocean's Eleven" films, will cast Brad Pitt in the role of Billy Beane.

"Originally I was asked to be a technical adviser," said Peterson, "and after speaking with Mr. Soderbergh, he asked me if I'd play myself in the movie. I said, 'Sure, I'd love to.' I've spent a lot of time talking to him about pitching and what we said in pitching meetings during that time, etc., and he was very interested in that aspect of it. It's very exciting for all of us."

Joe Pesci with a mullet? Could work...

[Boston.com via Ben Maller]

4:20. HEY!!!!

Today is practically a national holiday for skaters, UC Santa Cruz students and Grateful Dead fans.

It's 4:20, which we've always thought was Earth Day, but has instead turned into a celebration of weed, getting high and finding that, "dope-ass spot" to light up.

Word has it that 4:20 actually originated in San Rafael, Calif., which is actually quite near us. Some high-schoolers used to toke up at 4:20 p.m. and then on April 20, they found sheer delight in the coincidence of smoking at 4:20 on 4/20, that there now is a day dedicated to being unproductive and killing brain cells. (Sounds like a typical Monday to us).

But 4:20 isn't just for the counter-culture. Today will be a big day for certain athletes, too.

Ricky Williams, who violated the NFL's substance-abuse policy four times, also fooled around with medicinal marijuana, which is much like regular marijuana except you need to make up an ailment to get it.

Michael Phelps was recently in the news for taking a bong rip, which subsequently cost him many of his endorsement deals.

Nate Newton, who anchored the Cowboys' offensive line in the mid-90s, was busted for carting 213 pounds of marijuana in November 2001. An average NFL player, meanwhile, weighs about 245 pounds.

Santonio Holmes, known best for his game-winning catch in Super Bowl XLIII and for taking naughty pictures of himself, was pulled over by police in October, 2008. The police found three "marijuana cigars," which is cop for "blunt," and he was given a slap on the wrist (and was out three blunts).

Then there's Mavericks guard/forward Josh Howard who, this time last year, went on Michael Irvin's ESPN radio show in Dallas and said that he likes to smoke weed in the offseason because it's his, "personal choice and personal opinion." He also said that it's no secret that other NBA players smoke pot. We could only imagine Irvin's face when hearing this. The former Cowboys star was busted for pot in 2005 and of course had run-ins with cocaine, which fortunately there is no day for.

Plenty of other athletes have and do smoke weed, too, and may be celebrating today. Maybe right now! Maybe they'd smoke you out, bro. Be careful out there, today, kiddos. Don't do anything stupid...like crack.

The post where I jinx the Giants pitchers

All the hype about San Francisco's starting pitching was accurate this weekend against Arizona.

Three Giants starters (Sanchez, Lincecum and Johnson) combined for 21.2 innings, 0 runs, 0 ER, 6 walks and 24 strikeouts. Because the Giants' hitting was also as bad as advertised, San Francisco was only able to take two out of three from the struggling D-Backs.

Each game in the series was 2-0, meaning there was a total of six runs in the series, less than half of what the Indians scored in the second inning Saturday.

Still, probably a good sign for the Giants, who throw Matt Cain -- the team's best starter thus far -- Tuesday against San Diego. Of course, though, the hitting is beyond awful and will force the starters to throw shutouts every game to win, even though a 0-0 tie is seeming increasingly possible with this team.

Morning Headlines: Orlando vs. Philadelphia

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Magic-Sixers box score].

-Sixers jump out to early lead, never look back

-Van Gundy: 'We started slow'

-Philly overcomes absence of Rush, captures Game 1

Your NBA best in the comments.

Morning Headlines: Madden Retires

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Madden retires].

-Former ABC broadcaster steps down

-Madden: 'The travel was killing me'

-Pat Summerall partner to call it quits

-Al Davis: 'We'll take a good, hard look at him'

Your best Maddenisms in the comments.